Year: 2019

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]

Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.

[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]

[Cheers and applause]

Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.

Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.

Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.

Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]

Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.

Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The  president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.

Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?

Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well,  that sounds like a lot to me.

Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.

Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.

Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”

Nancy Pelosi: What?

Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]

Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay.

Chuck Schumer: You got us.

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.

Wedding Venue Ad | Season 44 Episode 13

Husband… Kate McKinnon

Wife… Aidy Bryant

Chef, Photographer and DJ… Don Cheadle

[Starts with video clips of dining hall]

Husband: Silks.

Wife: Satin.

Husband: Big drapes.

Wife: Crystal goblets.

Husband: Gold forks.

Wife: Everything shiny.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: Anything you want, we have at the Regal Promenade for Billions.

Wife: We’re located in Queens right across form where the taxis go to sleep.

Husband: Amazing wedding for your niece with braces.

Wife: She has a big princess dress with boobies on top? It’ll look perfect dragging a cross our driveway.

Husband: The roundest driveway in Queens. We have everything.

Wife: Dusty scone.

Husband: Windows.

Wife: Light bulbs and ceilings.

Husband: Loose outlet. You plug in your phone and they fall right out.

Wife: Chairing wearing a dress like a beautiful late lady.

Husband: The youngest valets you can imagine.

Wife:  They born 2005.

Husband: Everything we have, it has a carpet.

Wife: Bathroom carpet and kitchen carpet. Even chair feel like carpets.

Husband: Are you hungry? We can fix that.

Wife: Our world renowned chef can make your dinner.

[Cut to Chef]

Chef: The buttered sea shells. The rolls hard and big. The entrée, take on liquid potato covered in the squeakiest green beans you will ever bite in your life. Guaranteed to be kissed by a mouth.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: We got married at 12 years old.

Wife: Join us for a wedding. Corporate banquet. Real house wife fashion show.

Husband: If your brother’s going to get in fist fight out of christening please have it here.

Wife: With us, you’re where you will have it all.

Husband: Screaming 8-year-old in a tuxedo.

Wife: Dad with a wad of cash.

Husband: A free balloon stuck to the ceiling.

Wife: Pink soap that hates your hands. And don’t forget, our two guys at the door.

Husband: Just try to leave without paying. They are going to kill you.

Wife: Treasure your memories with photos.

Husband: They can buy our in house cameraman.

[Cut to Photographer]

Photographer: I will get the shot. I will be in your face. You will see sixth pictures of the ceremony, 200 of a specific bride’s maids. And one of myself, on mistake.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Wife: If you’re have your wedding here, we will both going to be there.

Husband: Standing in back on walkie-talkies, I yell at the staff.

Wife: And I’m going to slap my daughter in front of your family, free of charge.

Husband: For the police show up, we are church, okay?

Wife: And for dancing, we provide a DJ with exquisite light and sound equipment.

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: My lights are every color and everywhere. Guaranteed to blind and confuse your grandma. And I got mad songs. I got Shania Twain and Black Street Boys. And a cookie little Jewish songs for when they run around in a circle at the bar. That’s it.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: And listen, if it’s a gay wedding, we will probably giggle a little bit.

Wife: That’s the Regal Promenade Pavilion.

Husband and Wife: We make your wedding look like a wedding.

Roach-Ex | Season 44 Episode 13

Bill… Mikey Day

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Roach Don… Don Cheadie

Roach Kyle… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of a house][Cut to a family sitting in living room, Bill, his wife and his son]

Narrator: We are Roach-Ex now. [Doorbell rings] There’s nothing worse than unexpected [Bill opens the door] house guests. [Roach Don and Roach Kyle are outside the door]

Roach Don: Home sweet home.

[Roaches get in comfortably]

Narrator: Especially roaches.

Roach Kyle: Nice place!

[Cut to Bill outside his toilet]

[Roach Kyle comes out]

Narrator: They always make their presence felt.

Roach Kyle: Give it a minute.

[Cut to dark room]

Narrator: And once roaches move in—

[Bill turns on the light. The Roaches are making mess at the dining table.]

Roach Don: Hey, knock it off with the light, huh?

Narrator: They make themselves right at home.

[Cut to Roach Don is between Bill and his wife watching TV]

Roach Don: Ha-ha! He won’t actually say anything.

[Cut to Roach Don puts his hand on Bill’s wife’s knee and Bill notices it]

Narrator: And before you know it, [Cut to Bill opens curtain to see Roach Don, his wife and his son getting along outside the house] they’re practically part of the family.

[Cut to Bill getting inside the house]

Because when it comes to roaches —

Bill: Hello?

Narrator: Let’s face it.

[Cut to Bill walking up stairs]

Bill:  Hun?

Narrator: What’s yours – is theirs. [Bill opens the bedroom door and finds his wife and Roach Don having sex]

[Cut to Bill meets Roach Don at the hall way]

Bill: You had sex with my wife.

Roach Don:  Somebody had to.

[Roach Don pats Bills shoulder and leaves]

[Cut to Bill’s wife in bed smoking a cigarette]

Bill: That’s not good.

[Cut to Roach Don, Bill’s wife and Bill’s son in TV room] [Bill walks in] Get out of my house!

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don: Oh, Bill, perfect timing. We’re running a little low on snacks, buddy.

[Bill takes out a Roach-Ex Plus spray]

[Cut to Bill’s wife]

Bill’s Wife: Bill? Bill, you’re drunk.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up!

[Cut to Roach Kyle. He sees the Roach-Ex Plus spray and hides away]

[Cut to Bill with his spray and a bottle of whiskey drinking]

Roach Don: Well, well, well. [Cut Roach Don walks to Bill] A big man’s got himself a can of Roach-Ex Plus. What are you going to do with it, Bill? Are you going to spray me?

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up.

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don:  Well, spray me, Bill. Go ahead, do it. [Bill’s hand is shivering] You know what, I’ll give you a little help. [Roach Don puts is head to the spray]

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: You’re crazy?

Roach Don: That’s right, I’m crazy, Bill. [Cut to Bill’s wife scared] Get me out of your house, you just got to push the nozzle. Do it.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I’ll do it.

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Do it, Bill. Spray me. Do it!

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I will!

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Ha-ha. You can’t do it, can you, Bill? You know why? Because you’re not a man. You’re nothing but  a—Ahh!

[Bill’s son sprayed the Roach-Ex Plus on Roach Don][Roach Don falls to the ground and starts to shiver, and slowly dies]

Bill’s Wife: No! No! No!

Narrator: So send roaches an eviction notice with Roach-Ex Plus roach killer. Roaches don’t stand a chance.

 

Weekend Update: This Is America Wins Song of the Year | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Childish Gambino at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Childish Gambino’s ‘This is America’ made history when it became the first rap song to win song of the year at the Grammy’s. If you’re wondering why it took so long for rap to win this award, it’s cause this is America.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Rubin Diaz at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: New York city council member and bounty hunter from the future Rubin Diaz has been criticized after saying that New York city council is controlled by the homosexual community, which is strange criticism coming form a guy who looks like all the villages put together. [The picture changes to an ambulance] New York city lawmakers have also proposed a new law that would change the sound of the emergency vehicle siren to resemble those used in Europe. That way when you can spend your ride in the ambulance pretending you have universal health care.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ryan Adams at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The FBI is investigating whether Ryan Adams committed crime by engaging in textually explicit communications with a 14 year old fan. Another example of a white musician doing something that [Picture changes to R. Kelly] a black musician did first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of five democratic centers at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Well, the —

Michael Che: I’ll stand by.

Colin Jost: Yes. Political experts note that the five democratic centers who have announced runs for president have not attacked each other yet because they’re friends. But that will change soon because one sassy bitch didn’t come here to [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] make friends. On Thursday, [Picture changes to Queens city and Amazon’s logo]  Amazon announced they were cancelling plans to open a second headquarters in Queens means losing 25,000 new jobs. Even if you hate Amazon and all is it stands for, 25,000 is a lot of jobs. That’s like all the jobs in Greece. And by the way, there are a lot worse companies in New York than Amazon. For example, [Picture changes to the logo of Trump Organization] the Trump Organization. That’s only created like five jobs. Though in fairness, they were for highly unskilled laborers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Last Call with Carson Daly’s cover photo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Carson Daly announced that he will be ending his show ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ after discovering that he was still on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katy Perry’s fashion shoe at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Katy Perry’s fashion line had discontinued a show after criticism that it resembled black face. But I don’t know, it doesn’t even really resemble a shoe. If anyone should be mad about this, it’s Mrs. Potato Head.

Michael Che: That was a good joke.

Colin Jost: Oh thank you. [Picture changes to a fire brigade and a box of Cheese It] A man was arrested after he locked his mother and brother in a house that set fire to it after getting in an argument with them about a box of Cheese Its, which I blame in their new slogan is ‘Cheese It, so good, you’ll murder your family’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airport at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The regional airport in South Carolina was shut down for several hours after a woman was found wandering the grounds almost completely naked. Except for her landing strip.

Extreme Baking Championship | Season 44 Episode 13

Show host… Alex Moffat

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Chantal… Leslie Jones

Jimmy…Don Cheadle

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Extreme Baking Championship intro]

Narrator: We not return to the Extreme Baking Championship on the food network.

[Cut to the show. The contestants are panicking.]

Show host: All right, bakers. I’m sorry to say this, [Cut to Show host] but time is up.

[Cut to Ralph and Sandy]

Ralph: My word!

[Cut to Jimmy and Chantal]

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Today’s extreme baking theme was cartoon confection and each of you had two hours to make cakes featuring beloved cartoon characters. Now it’s time to present your cakes to the judges. [Cut to Chantal, Show host and the judges] First up is home baker, Chantal.

Chantal: Hi, judges. I’m so excited.

Aidy Bryant: Hi, Chantal. Tell us what you made today, sweetie.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Well, my character was Olaf the Snowman from the movie ‘Frozen’. [Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept] My design uses a marshmallow structure to create a delicious 3D snow bank. Olaf is made from sponge cake and he skated on a frozen pond made of sponge sugar. [Cut to Chantal] Cold never bothered him anyway.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: It’s very ambitious. You did all that in two hours?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, ma’am. I did.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, let’s see it, Chantal.

[Cut to Chantal. She opens the cake box and her cake is terribly made.]

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow! Chantal, looks like you had some problems.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, I had some problems and I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: What went wrong?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I think my nerves got the best of me and also I’m bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, well let’s go ahead and taste your cake. [The judges taste the cake]

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Is it good?

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: No, it’s not. No.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I know. I did a bad job.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Thank you. All right. Now, next up is home baker and go-to-work dad, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Hey, judges. I want this so bad and I’m ready to compete.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: That’s great, Jimmy. Tell us what you did today.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, tickle me excited because my character was Tickle Me Elmo’s best friend, the Cookie Monster.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Weird way to get there, but okay. Okay.

[Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept]

Jimmy: I used vanilla sponge cake covered in blueberry royal icing and cookie’s about to hang ten on his brand new skateboard made of taffy. And is that a chocolate chip cookie road he is skating on? [Cut to Jimmy] The answer is, Frick, yes.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: Jimmy, that sounds incredible.

Aidy Bryant: Are you happy with how it turned out?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Yes, ma’am, I am.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: Well, let’s see it. Oh, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake box. Jimmy opens the box and the cake is terribly made.]

Jimmy: It’s bad. I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: What went wrong?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: You know, I think just me being here and everything I did while I was here.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: And you wrote the name Shawn on the cake. Who is Sean?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: I don’t know. I don’t know Sean. I don’t know why I wrote that.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Well, that’s too bad. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us what you made.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Hi, judges. My character was the undersea optimist, Spongebob. He came out so good. I’m just going to show you. [Sandy opens her cake box, and the cake looks great.] Okay. So, what do you think?

[Cut to Show host and the hosts]

Aidy Bryant: It’s fine.

Show host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? You are moving on?

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Afraid so, Sandy. Yeap. [Unknown voice says “Kill me!” The Show host looks around.] I’m sorry, hang on. Is that your cake, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake, his cake is speaking]

Jimmy’s Cake: I shouldn’t be— Kill me!

[Cut to judges]

Ego Nwodim: What’s going on there, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, ma’am—[Jimmy’s cake pukes] I believe that my cake is such an abomination that it has maybe come to life.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Please destroy me! I feel nothing but pain!

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Well, that’s disgusting, but also pretty creative.

[Cut to Sandy and Jimmy]

Sandy: I’m sorry, are you seriously saying that cake is better than my cake?

Jimmy’s Cake: Umm, bitch!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Sandy, I’m not judge so I can say this. You are coming off as crazy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake. It can’t stop puking.]

Jimmy’s Cake: Grr, cookies!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Now, moving on to Ralph. What cartoon character did you choose?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My cartoon was Yoda, the Pesky Elf.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: That’s not a cartoon character and not an Elf, but let’s see it.

[Cut to Ralph. Ralph opens his cake box.]

[Ralph’s cake is Yoda holding a green stick. His cake is fine.]

Ralph: Okay.

Beck Bennett: Okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] Interesting. And what’s that he’s holding?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s his famous penis, of course.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow, we have a tough decision to make.

[Cut to contestants]

Sandy: No, you do not.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Send me hell where I belong! [Jimmy’s cake pukes again]

Jimmy: Shut up. Shut up.

Show host: No! all right. [Cut to Show host] We’ll be back with the judges’ decision right after this.

Bar Fight | Season 44 Episode 13

Nelson… Beck Bennett

Darla… Heidi Gardner

Rick… Mikey Day

Don Cheadle

[Starts with a clip of road side bar] [Cut to Don Cheadle drinking at the bar. Nelson and Rick come to the bar.]

Nelson: Hey Darla, how about two shots of Jack and one peek of that fine ass of yours. Please.

Darla: Keep dreaming, Nelson.

Nelson: What, I said please.

Rick: That you did, Nelson.

Nelson: All right. Cheers, to the open road—[Don Cheadle pushes Nelson’s elbow] Hey, man! What the hell? [Nelson pushes Don Cheadle] Y’all just made me spill my whiskey.

[Don Cheadle stands and prepares to fight]

Don Cheadle: You don’t want none of this man.

Nelson: Oh, I reckon I do.

Don Cheadle: Well, I guess we got some business then.

Nelson: All right.

[Cut to everybody in the bar]

Rick: Come on, y’all, clear some space. There’s gonna be a fight. [People are preparing, removing tables to make space for the fight]

Nelson: Put my fighting song on, Rick. I want something to listen to while I’m beating this ass.

Rick: You got it, brother. [Rock goes to jukebox and plays the song]

Don Cheadle: Come on, son. Take a swing.

Nelson: I’m fixin’ to.

Don Cheadle: Well, go on then.

Nelson: Ladies first. Come on!

[Music starts to play] [Don Cheadle is confused]

Don Cheadle: What is the song?

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson: I don’t know.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s very bright. It’s very fun. Is this your fighting song?

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: No, hey, rick, what’s up with this song, brother? Did do you a-26?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah. I’m sorry about that, I think I put on the wrong song.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Well, I’m good brother. I ain’t here to listen to music. I’m here to fight.

Don Cheadle: Guess that are makes two of us then.

[Nelson and Don are trying to fight, but it looks like they’re dancing to the music]

Nelson: Come on. What you waiting for?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s just don’t feel right with this sucking on a lollipop song on. I know you feel it, too.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle. They are actually dancing now.]

Nelson: Yeah, yeah, I do. Darla, can we change the song?

[Cut to Darla]

Darla: Yeah, we can’t skip it. Either drink or fight.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Well, I want to fight. It just don’t feel right with this song on.

Nelson: So what do we do? Wait it out?

Don Cheadle: Sounds like a plan, bitch!

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Ha, you like it.

Nelson: No, I don’t.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you do. You dancing to it.

[Cut to Rick dancing slowly]

Rick: Like, no, he ain’t. He’s just moving his body to the rhythm. Same as the rest of us.

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Don Cheadle: Yeah, that’s called dancing, dumbass.

Nelson: At best I’m boppin’ around. Nothing more, nothing less.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, punk.

Nelson: What do you reckon this song’s about?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Oh, I think it’s about letting you fight it and not pushing it. That’s what the fella means when he says, “Sucking on your lollipop”.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Yeah, that’s what I reckon, too.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you are right. Your dumb as probably thought it was about candy.

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson:  Oh, I want to beat you down so bad. How much longer is this song? And also, what’s it called and who sings it?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: It’s called “Lollipop” it’s by Mika.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, don’t let me forget that, bud.

Rick: Looks like, building into a big finish. Good.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Time kick your ass. And is that “Mika” with a “K” or a “C-h”?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: That’s a ‘K’.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, here we go. Getting funky.

Don Cheadle: So much going on this song?

Nelson: Oh! Here’s that big finish. Here we go!

[Everybody in the bar start dancing with Nelson and Don Cheadle]

[Nelson and Don Cheadle are holding hands and dancing]

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

[The song finished. Everybody is cheering.]

[Don Cheadle suddenly punches Nelson]

Nelson: What the hell, man. I thought we were having fun?

Don Cheadle: Fun’s over, punk!

[Don Cheadle jumps on Nelson]

[Cut to the clip of road side bar]

Trump Press Conference Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 13

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

William Barr… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with press waiting for Donald Trump for his message]

Narrator: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking up to lectern]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. I’m here to declare a very urgent important national emergency. This is a big one so I don’t want to waste any time. That’s why first I would like to blow my own horn a little bit. I just had a great health exam. I’m still standing 6’7”, 185 pounds, shredded.

Also, we have another summit coming up in Hanoi with the North Korean leader, Chairman Kim, who by the way is very cool, misunderstood guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him next week. It is dinner for smugs as he calls.

Let’s cut to the chase folks. We need wall. Okay? We have tremendous amount of drugs flowing into this country from the southern border or the brown line as many people have asked me not to call it. That’s why we need wall. Because wall works. Wall makes safe. You don’t have to be smart to understand that, in fact it’s even easier to understand if you are not. You can see why I got to fake this national emergency run. I have to because I want to. It’s really simple.

We have a problem. Drugs are coming into this country through no wall. I asked President Xi if they had a drug problem in China. I’m not going to do the voice, but he said, “No, no, no. Me no like drugs. Me like death penalty.” It would have sounded better with the voice I think I must say. But imagine if we used the death penalty for nonviolent crimes here. You shot the [Hand gesturing as shooting guns] ‘bing-bing’ two in the back of the head. Just something to kick around.

I’m basically taking military money so I can have wall. I’m going to sign these papers for emergency and I will immediately be sued and it will not go in my favor and end up in the supreme court and call my buddy, Kavanaugh and I will say, “It’s under the pay of Donny”, and I’ll say “New phone, who dis?” And the Mueller report will be released, crumbling my house of cards and I can pled instantly and do a few months in the factory. And my personal hell of playing president will finally be over.

I should probably take a few soft ball questions right now. Who do we got here? Oh, NBC has their hand up, but they suck, so not them. ABC sucks too, but they have Agency Of Shield. We love the Shield though. So I guess I will start with you. Go ahead.

[Cut to press reporters. Cecily Strong is standing.]

Cecily Strong: Mr. President, do you feel like enough progress has been made in the talks with China to end the increase of tariffs by March 1st?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, you are asking the wrong guy. I friggin’ love tariffs. Not as much as wall, but I do love them. I know we will strike a big, big deal with China and no matter how awesome it is, it will be awesome. Chuck Schumer is going to say, and I will not do the voice, he will say something like “Oy Vay”. You know what? I’m going to do the voice. “Oy Vay, what do you mean, me suge that”. That’s just the kind of dirty, ugly, vicious  toilet bowl politics they wanted me to do. Yes you, where are you from?

[Cut to press reporters. Mikey Day is standing.]

Mikey Day: Playboy magazine.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sweet, sweet, sweet. Many nights in the Grot Oh, am I right?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. Numbers from your own border patrol say that illegal immigration is actually down.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, sit down. I don’t like that question. Sit down.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I didn’t ask my question yet.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, I just found out my campaign manager is going to die in prison, Okay? So, take it easy on me, will you?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m not going to sit until you answer m question.

Donald Trump: Sit down or I’m switching back to hustler. Look, before I take the question, I want to swerve way the heal out of my own way and point out that Attorney General William Barr, please stand up. [Cut to William Barr standing] Congratulations. This guy is going to do [Cut to Donald Trump] such a great job, but still he’s working for me, so I give him three months, tops. Dead man walking right there. [Cut to William Barr. He is scared] Next question. [Cut to Donald Trump]  Let’s do a girl one. You.

[Cut to press reporters. Heidi Gardner is standing.]

Heidi Gardner: Wow. Very cool In your remarks today, you said you were too new to politics earlier in your administration. Is that an admission that you are in fact just kind of winging it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Doll. I’m learning. Let’s not forget, technically this is my first real job, okay? I remember when Obama explained president to me in the oval office, and won’t do the voice because I lost a bunch of you with the Schumer Impersonation, but I thought Obama was joking. Had I known then what I know now, I would have told Putin to give the job to Hillary instead. Next question.

[Cut to press reporters. Kyle Mooney is standing.]

Kyle Mooney: Mr. President, Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, seriously man? How do you keep getting in this room. I would love to build a wall around Jim.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: There is numbers showing undocumented immigrants committing crimes at much lower numbers than native born Americans.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, Jim. Those numbers are faker than this emergency. Look folks, we need major immigration reform, translation, wall. Do you know that right now we have something called chain migration? It says any bad person or gangster or wisenheimer can come in this country with 27 or 47 or Barr, give me a number.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: 91?

Donald Trump: 91. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’m told as many as 91 of their family members. I’m talking ‘abuelas’ and ‘bebes’ unless you give me wall. Now iF that doesn’t scare the crap out of the old white people, I don’t know what will. Anyway, in conclusion, this is a total emergency. A five-alarm blaze, which means I need to go to Mar A Lago to play some golf. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Halsey Serves as Host, Musical Guest & More for SNL | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

[Starts with Halsey on set]

Halsey: I’m Halsey and this week I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

[Another Halsey dressed differently joins]

Halsey: I’m Halsey. I’m this week’s musical guest.

[Again, another Halsey dressed differently joins]

Halsey: I’m Halsey and I’m in charge of cue-cards.

[Again, another Halsey dressed differently joins]

Halsey: I’m Halsey and I’m catering at SNL this week. Everyone’s getting meat balls.

[Heidi Gardner joins]

Heidi Gardner: I’m Heidi Gardner but this week I’m Halsey.

[Again, another Halsey dressed differently joins]

Halsey: Halsey. Halsey’s assistant.

[Again, another Halsey dressed differently joins]

Halsey: I’m Halsey and this week on SNL, I’m writing a drunk poetry.

[Again, another Halsey dressed differently joins]

Halsey: I’m Halsey and I’m just here to have lunch with Kenan.

[Chris Redd walks in]

Everyone: Hey Chris.

Chris Redd: Hey, what’s up Halsey? What’s up Halsey? Halsey! What’s up Halsey? What’s up Halsey? What’s up Halsey? There’s a lot of ya’ll.

 

Halsey Is Pulling Double Duty on SNL | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Halsey and Aidy Bryant on SNL stage]

Halsey: Hey, I’m Halsey and I’m your host and musical guest this weekend at SNL.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, and I just smoked a cigarette for the first time, because who knows what’s going to happen?

Halsey: Is that why you were at the nurse this morning?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, because it hurt my lungs so bad.

[Retake]

Halsey: Hey, I’m Halsey and I’m your host and musical guest on SNL this week.

Aidy Bryant: So cool that you’re doing both.

Halsey: It’s crazy. Not many people get to do double duty.

Aidy Bryant: I know. Well, actually I’m doing sketches and the light board. Yeah.

Halsey: That’s great.

Aidy Bryant: It’s all right. They force me to do it.

Halsey: Oh!

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.]

[Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.