Category: 2016

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper]

[Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle]

[Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Election Week Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Hillary Clinton playing a piano]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Well I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,
the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya’

And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel so I tried to touch
I told the truth, I didn’t come to fool ya

And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the lord of song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Hillary Clinton looks at the camera]

I’m not giving up and neither should you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Election Night

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Dave Chapelle

Larry… Chris Rock

[Starts with a group of people watching the Election Night on TV]

Announcer: This is election night in America. [marking Tuesday AT 6 PM]

Vanessa: I can’t believe after all this, it’s gonna finally be over.

Beck: I don’t know. We’ll see. Trump’s already got lawyers to fight the results.

Aidy: Okay, don’t even joke about that. Or I will leave. [giggling]

Cecily: Guys, we’re about to have our first woman president. Like, this is gonna be a historic night.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, it might be a historic night but just don’t forget it’s a big country.

[Time marking 6:thirty PM]

Cecily: My friend at the Huffington Post said she wins by five points.

Vanessa: Oh, I don’t know, my friend at Slate says she’ll win by three.

Aidy: Oh, well, she’ll definitely win the electoral college, fur sure, but I guess there is like a nightmare scenario where he wins the popular vote.

[Dave looks nervous by that news]

Dave: Really? That’s the nightmare scenario, huh?

Beck: Because of shifting demographics, there might never be another republican president in this country.

Dave: Word? You’ve ever been around this country before?

[Time marking 7 PM]

Male voice: We project Kentucky will go to Donald Trump.

Beck: Yeah, well, of course he won Kentucky. I mean, that’s where all the racists are.

[Dave is looking at Beck]

Dave: All of them are in Kentucky?

Vanessa: You know, she got Vermont.

Dave: [screaming] Oh, shit! Vermont? Three electoral votes? Now that’s power grab.

[time marking 7:thirty PM]

Cecily: Okay, this says, “Florida is too close to call.”

Aidy: Okay, no, no, it says, “Too early to call.” There’s only % in.

Beck: You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Florida is going blue. To Latinos!

All (except Dave): To Latinos.

[Dave looks confused]

[Time marking 8 PM]

Beck: Well, of course he’s gonna win Ohio. We knew that. But if we can get Pennsylvania, Florida and North Carolina, we don’t even need Ohio.

Dave: Then, if the Indians scored four more runs, they would have won the world series too, dude.

Vanessa: I’m gonna grab a xanax from the bedroom.

Aidy: Okay, grab me 6.

Vanessa: Yeah, I’m just gonna bring the whole bottle. How’s that?

[Time marking 8:thirty PM]

Beck: Look, early returns are always going to be republican because republicans go to sleep early. It’s just a fact.

Vanessa: I just talked to my brother in law at CBS, he says Trump’s gonna win Florida.

Dave: Word, um, I guess the Latinos didn’t hear about your toast.

[Time marking 10 PM]

[Larry walks in]

Larry: Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Aidy: Larry, Trump might actually win.

Larry: I mean, of course. What re you talking about?

Dave: I tried to tell them there.

Cecily: What is happening? Why are women even voting for him?

Larry: Yeah, I don’t get you ladies. I mean, the country is 55% women. I mean, if the country was 55% black, we’d have tons of black presidents. Flavor Flav would be a president.

[Time marking 11 PM]

Vanessa: Okay, um, all she has to do is come back and win Wisconsin, come back and win Michigan, come back and win Pennsylvania.

Cecily: Some of the counties– The urban counties– they’re so– Black people vote late.

Larry: Yeah, let’s hope there’s 100,000 of us in Green Bay. Those brothers love the packers.

[Time marking 12 AM]

Beck: You never know, guys. Alaska is still out there.

Male voice: We’re now calling Alaska for Donald Trump.

Cecily: Oh my god! I think America is racist.

Dave: Oh… my… god! [acting surprised] You know, I remember my great grandfather told me something like that. But you know, he was like a slave, or something.

Aidy: I just– I can’t believe it. Like, why aren’t people turning out for Hillary the way they did for Barack Obama?

Larry: I mean, maybe because you’re replacing a charismatic 40 year old black guy with a 70 year old white woman. I mean, that’s like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Niel Patrick Harris.

[Time marking 2 AM]

Male voice: And Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States.

Dave: Hey, you guys were right. It’s a historic night. Don’t worry about, 8 years are gonna fly by.

Larry: Yeah, don’t worry. It’s gonna be all white.

[Dave laughing]

Aidy: What about undocumented immigrants?

Dave: Oh, they’re not going nowhere. Come on! You act like everybody trying to pick their own strawberries.

Cecily: This is crazy. I mean, do you even know what it’s like to be a woman in this country where you can’t get ahead no matter what you do.

Dave: Oh, geez. I don’t know. I’ll put my thinking cap on for that one and get back to you.

Larry: Ha-ha. Now, come on, guys. Get some rest. You got a lot of big day. You got a big day of moping and writing on Facebook tomorrow.

Beck: God! This is the most shameful thing America has ever done.

[Dave and Larry look at each other and laugh out loud]

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, guys. You know, I know it’s been a long time. It’s been a lone time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was gonna win the election. I did suspect it. Seem like Hillary was going well in the polls and yet, I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full surprising as it used to be. And I think I speak for all black American when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America has done it. We’ve actually elected an internet troll as our president. The whites are furious. Never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since O.J. There’s a split screen with white people on both sides, [screaming] Ah!!!

Man, I’m not saying I’m enjoying it. I’m just saying I have never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon on television the other night. News say they did $1 million worth of damage. Every black person was watching there like, “Amateurs!” So, I’m staying out of it. I’m just gonna be like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out amongst themselves. Because for us, we’ve been here before. We’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with, man. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings, what do you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. Worse. The worst mass shootings in the history of United States. Pulse nightclub which they said ISIS did. And then turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. Look, I’ve been going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account and bump a few guys off to throw them off the trail.

I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not same as being an ISIS. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna have sex with a girl and right before I did it, I screamed out “Wutang.” That doesn’t mean I’m in the Wutang Clan. I’m just shouting Wutang out.

More shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the god damn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla in my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, “Shooting that gorilla was a toughest decision this department ever had make.” I said, “Well, you ’bout to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.”

Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that ‘black lives matter’? Now, I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took ‘you deserve a break today’. And I guess it’s kind of catchy coz everyone else is biting it. Even the police bite it. ‘Blue lives matter.’ Well, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that suit off, find a new job, coz I’ma tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. The next best thing, I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think coz, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like, Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed, you’d say, “I’m sorry, nigga. You can’t come with us. There’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta-ta.”

Donald Trump, he did it. He is our president. And I feel bad to say that I’m staying at a Trump hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I’ma tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning and cleans my room and I just… “Hey, good morning, housekeeping”, grab big handful of pussy. “Boss said it was okay.” Sorry about that, Lorne.

All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected. “That’s it, bro. I’m out. I’m leaving the country. You coming with us?” “Na, I’m good dawg. I’m gonna stay here and get this tax break and see how it works out.” Coz that’s how it’s being Dave Chappelle. First time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. Most unlikely thing happened ever. This black president came out of nowhere like, “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” [screaming] “Oh, nigga! I just got this money! I didn’t even think it was possible.”

Trump went to go see Obama last week. You see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out the meeting? Trump got stunned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. He probably came in there, [mimicking Donald Trump and Barack Obama] “Hi, how are you Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How are you feeling?” “Oh god! Got to tell you. This job looks like its gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard. I mean, at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’ma a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on, man! Relax. You haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s gonna be alright.”

I don’t know what he’s gonna do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone. Do you agree with this? [audience whooping] And thank god he lived to tell about it. He was the first black dude that ever heard of America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If someone threaten our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. He’ll be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In the bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back killing four people had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out “Chi-town” for some reason.

You know, before I go, I do wanna say one thing. This is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this. Coz they’re marching up in streets right now as we speak. A few weeks ago, I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years. And it was very exciting. And BET had sponsored the party. So, everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates. I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop. Well, the corner of the bus stop used to be where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was really, really beautiful night. And at the end of the night, everyone went at the west wing of the White House. And there was a huge party. And everybody in there was black except for Bradley Cooper for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge, the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House. And it did happen again as far as I know until Franklin D. Roosevelt was president. When Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flat from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a nigger in this house again.” I thought about that and I looked at that room and I saw all those black faces and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. And it made me feel hopeful, and it made me proud to be an American, and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck and I’m gonna give him a chance and we, the historically disenfranchised demand that he give us 1–2. Thank you very much.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, A Tribe Called Quest is in the building. Don’t go anywhere, we will be right back.

Why Is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Benedict Cumburbatch

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At five it’s ‘Gimme Gimme Da Money Please Please I Want Da Money Please’. But first, it’s time for America’s newest game show.

[Cut to Beck Bennett walking in the stage]

Beck Bennett: Hello everyone. I’m your host Beck Bennett. And welcome to my brand new game show where I try to get to the bottom of something that’s been throwing me for a loop all week. Let’s meet today’s contestants.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Um, hi. I am Vanessa Bayer and I’m here because you asked me to be.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Ah! That’s right. Contestant number two.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Hi. I’m Aidy Bryant and Beck, what is this exactly?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: You’ll see. Contestant number three.

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: Hello. I’m Benedict Cumberbatch and I don’t remember this sketch at dress rehearsal.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Great. Thank you all for being here. And now it’s time to play ‘Why is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?’

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: Oh, Beck!

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Yeah, yeah. That’s right. Every girl in the cast has been so horny for this dude all week. So, as a guy I’m just kind of trying to figure that out. Alright, let’s get 30 seconds on the clock. Vanessa, tell me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to the contestants]

Vanessa Bayer: Like, right now? In front of him?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Yes, please.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Okay. Well, it’s not like, his face per say. I mean it is. But it’s like– okay. It’s more like, um, the way his body and how he like– well– not his body body but like, this thing, when I see him, I just wanna like [screaming] “Uh!” and this just goes crazy.

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Time’s up. And that was not answered, Vanessa.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: You didn’t let me finish. And I was a very close–

Benedict Cumburbatch: [interrupting] Vanessa, no!

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Okay. Aidy, you’re up. Explain to me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, does my answer have to be in English?

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Why?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Because my feelings would be best described using a series of noises. Sort of like, ‘heh-heh-heh-, arrrrr, aoooh, god!’

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Are we looking at the same dude? What the frick! Okay, Benedict, you’re up. 30 seconds on the clock. Tell me, why is Benedict Cumberbatch hot?

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: What? Well, I mean, honestly I don’t know either. I mean, you know, some people say that I look a bit like hammer head shark.

Beck Bennett: Ha-ha. Yeah, yeah.

Benedict Cumburbatch: You know, a lizard man.

Beck Bennett: Also great.

Benedict Cumburbatch: And I sort of think I look a little bit like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.

Beck Bennett: [laughing] Totally, you do.

Benedict Cumburbatch: But I guess it doesn’t really matter because Glamour magazine named me one of the sexiest man alive. So…

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Alive? On the planet? What the… Oh! Oh! You know what? Wait. I think I figured it out. I just need to ask you a follow up question and I need to whisper it.

[Beck Bennett walks to Benedict Cumburbatch and whispers in his ears]

Benedict Cumburbatch: No, I guess average sized.

[whispers in his ears again]

Yeah, the balls too.

Beck Bennett: Dammit!

[buzzer sound]

Hmm, okay. It’s time for round two. I’m gonna put a photos of Benedict next to someone we would say a more classically handsome American man. And you tell me who is hotter. Vanessa, is Benedict the hot one?

[The game screen shows a photo of Benedict Cumberbatch laughing hard.]

Or… is it the smothering mystery man with the juicy, juicy pink lips?

[A picture of Beck Bennett himself slides in the screen]

Those lips look pretty juicy.

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer]

Vanessa Bayer: Um, it’s Benedict.

Beck Bennett: Okay, take your time.

Vanessa Bayer: I don’t want to. It’s Benedict.

[buzzer sound]

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Dammit Vanessa. Okay, Aidy, your turn. Who is hotter? Benedict, or this guy?

[The game screen shows Benedict Cumberbatch’s funny looking photo and Beck Bennett’s photo of showing his muscles.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, well, one guy is making kind of like a weird face. So, I’m gonna go with Benedict.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: What? But the other guy is the V. Look, he has got it.

[Cut to Benedict Cumburbatch]

Benedict Cumburbatch: No, listen, Beck. I know it’s not my turn but I would say out of those two photographs, you have the hotter one.

Beck Bennett: What?

Benedict Cumburbatch: Yeah. It’s goofy in mine and you’re in shape and you look very handsome in your’s. You know?

Beck Bennett: I do?

Benedict Cumburbatch: Yeah. I mean, you’ve got nice abs and your skin looks good and smooth and even. You’re also funny and charming. It’s super nice, until this sketch. But you know, I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you this week and I hope we could do it again.

[Cut to Beck Bennett all blushing]

Beck Bennett: Oh my god! Bennie! Wow, you are striking and charming. And when you look at me, I feel truly seen.

[right answer bells]

Yes! Yes! I get it. I get why he’s hot. I win my own game. Join me next week for my new game show… ‘Am I hotter Than Kyle Mooney?’

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Um, no. Kyle is my number one.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: What? Really?

Weekend Update The Voice

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, finally it’s a very special night here on Weekend Update because with us tonight are the winners of Weekend Update’s first ever, the Voice contest. Now, let’s meet those winners right now.

[Cut to Weekend Update’s The Voice video bumer]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che standing with four other gentlemen. The other gentlemen are facing backwards]

Michael Che: Now, why don’t you guys introduce yourselves to the audience and the viewers at home?

[First gentleman turns around]

Anthony: I’m Anthony Russo.

[Second gentleman turns around]

David: I’m David Ross.

[Third gentleman turns around]

Dexter: And I’m Dexter Fowler.

[Fourth gentleman turns around]

Bill: I’m Bill Murray.

Colin Jost: Okay. Aright. Alright, now– [audience won’t stop cheering] alright– alright– now– now– now– okay– guys, we have a contest. Guys, can you please put into words what it feels like to be named the first winners of Weekend Update’s The Voice contest?

Anthony: It’s unbelievable.

David: I can’t describe it.

Dexter: This is the best thing we’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: And now, I have to ask. You in the end, you look familiar. Did you use to work here?

Bill: I did.

Michael Che: I knew it. I knew it.

Bill: But that was so many life times ago. Right now, for me, it’s all about music.

Colin Jost: I see. And, um, what song is it that you’ll be performing.

Bill: it’s an original composition entitled ‘Go Cubs Go’.

Colin Jost: That sounds fantastic.

[many other join them]

Michael Che: Wait a second. Who are these guys?

Bill: They are back up singers. We didn’t know it was against the rules.

Colin Jost: We’ll overlook it. Take it away guys.

[Colin Jost and Michael Che leave and they start to perform]

[music playing]

Bill: Baseball season’s underway

Dexter: Well you better get ready for a brand new day

David: Hey Chicago, what do you say?

Anthony: The Cubs are gonna win today

All: They’re singing go Cubs go

go, cubs, go
hey, Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are gonna win today

Bill: They got the power, they got the speed

All: To be the best in the national league

Well, this is the year and the Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley field

We’re singing now, go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are World Champs today

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

All: Go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?

Weekend Update on the Final Days of the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Thank you for joining us. This is the last weekend update before the presidential election. Are you excited Michael?

Michael Che: Hello, no.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well…

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November 2016 at left top corner.]

The election is only three days away now. But remember, it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him. We thought this election was over two weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap [picture changes to a bag that has ’emails’ written on it] on our doorstep and ran away. They gave us no clue about all these emails and what they’re about. Hillary could be involved, or maybe not. It could be full treason or just a casual chat about yoga. We don’t know. The FBI basically sent us this emoji. [Picture changes to an expressionless emoji] What do we do with that?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that it will take the FBI well pass the election to get though all 650,000 emails, which just seems ridiculous to me. I mean, the fastest way to get through that emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days later when you ask where she wants to eat, she’s gonna be like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And of course, this all involves this idiot. [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Because a Weiner always pops up at the worst possible time. He had 650,000 emails in his computer, and that’s just the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on that old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboard.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It is fascinating to see the double standard. I mean, just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, “Why did I even throw those emails out?” That’s like giving up weed for job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. It doesn’t make sense.

You know what? If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and just hand them over to the FBI right now. Like, here you go. 31,000 hilarious emails about me grabbing Donald and calling Chinese people Ninja Turtles.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as first lady she would fight against bullying on social media, and we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Sad, fake and gay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump also received the endorsement of official newspaper of the KKK. What are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, “Now Earl, hear me out, but what if this time we endorse the white man?” Also, this is the first time I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper and I absolutely subscribed. I just want to see if there’s a sports section.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and fireworks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked election night fireworks display over the Hudson river. Either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded. Too real? She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night what they’re calling an Avenger line up, of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call me an Avengers, because it just makes us think about which Avenge Hillary is. And girl, you Hawk Eye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But no matter who wins this election, [patriotic music playing in the background] we can’t let political parties and media divide us, okay? We’re not different. We’re all the same. We have basic needs. We have the same basic wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we’ll never wear but we’ll never throw away. We all have that one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say “You too” when our daily guys says, “Hey, have a good show, man!” And then walk away mumbling to ourselves like, “Why am I so stupid?” Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion. It doesn’t matter. Because some day, we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a US flat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions, like serving McDonalds breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonalds breakfast all day. And I know, right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin that long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter. The Russian teenagers who hack into our voting machines.

Weekend Update Church Lady

Colin Jost

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A Catholic church in San Diego has warned parishioners that they will go to hell if they vote for democrats. Here to comment on the state of the election, it’s Church Lady.

[Church Lady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Hi. Hello, Colin. thank you for having me on your little midnight show.

Colin Jost: It’s so nice to have you.

Church Lady: What delightful job you have.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Church Lady: Instead of resting up for church, you’re staying up late making naughty jokes about Anthony’s weiner. Not quite the path of Jesus, is it?

Colin Jost: Well, I think that Jesus appreciates a good joke, doesn’t he?

Church Lady: Jesus loves a good joke. So that would leave you out of the equation, wouldn’t it, Colin?

Colin Jost: I thought we had some fun jokes, you know? They were alright.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Colin Jost: Alright. So, what are your thoughts about this election?

Church Lady: Well, it’s a tough choice we have on Tuesday, don’t we, Colin? Do we vote for a bitter female android from the 90s? Or riverboat gambler with a big tummy and an orange head?

Colin Jost: So, you have not chosen a candidate yet?

Church Lady: Jesus is not on the ballet, Colin. I suppose he’s not part of your life either, is he? Because like everyone else in Hollywood, you’re a homosexual.

[audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Why are you laughing? I’m actually not gay.

[Church Lady giggling]

Church Lady: Your’e too good, dear Jost. Colin, really. Seriously, that is so funny. Stay there. Stay in the cover, Mr. Good.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Church Lady: Colin, by my count, there are only three celebrities left who aren’t homosexual. Jim Parsons, Niel Patrick Harris and wonderful Nathan Lane.

Colin Jost: Actually, all of them are gay. Yeah, that’s–

Church Lady: Oh! News flash.

Colin Jost: Why don’t we just focus on the election? Can we stay in election?

Church Lady: Yeah, let’s just stay real micro managed right now. Focus. Tuesday. Yes. Absolutely. Who are you gonna support, Colin?

Colin Jost: Me?

Church Lady: I suppose you’re gonna write in your favorite candidate… Satan!

Colin Jost: Well…

Church Lady: I surprised you, didn’t I? I just jumped at you. Don’t make me do it again.

Colin Jost: No. I’m not voting for Satan.

Church Lady: Oh! Well, well, well. You know, you’re just a late night comic with a belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I’m not drunk.

Church Lady: Yes, you are.

Colin Jost: Maybe a little buzz.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Smoking the pot now, are we? Sucking on the devil’s cigarette. That must be why you’re not the crispiest chip in the bag.

Colin Jost: Look, is there anything out there right now that you do like?

Church Lady: West World. Yes.

Colin Jost: You like– I love that show. I’m surprised you like it.

Church Lady: What’s not to like, Colin? A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood. Too soon?

[Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It just seems like everything in the world you think is just in such a bad state.

Church Lady: You know what? You know what? I never lost hope, Colin. And what a lovely country we have here. Sometimes I look around, I think to myself, “What a wonderful world.”

Colin Jost: Oh, no. You’re not gonna sing, are you?

[music playing]

[Cut to Church Lady]

Church Lady: [singing] I see skies are blue,
red roses too
I see them bloom
for me and you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself
what a wonderful world.

Colin Jost: Church Lady, everyone.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bear at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding. There were no survivors. [Picture changes to a syringe] A group of men were criticized for dropping out of a male birth control study because of side effects like headaches, mood swings and acne. See, this is why women should be in full control of all reproductive rights. Men are not going to take birth control because pregnancy just doesn’t affect our bodies. When a woman gets pregnant, she has to decide whether or not she wants a human being to grow inside of her. Meanwhile, I get nine months to decide whether to buy a stroller or a bus ticket. It’s usually stroller. Men wouldn’t care about side effects if it did something good for us. Like, Cialis could cause blindness and you still hear horny old blind dudes ratting around the streets looking for ass. And what women would even trust a dude that keep up with birth control? I mean, if a guy is responsible enough to keep up with his birth control, he wouldn’t need it coz he’d probably make a great father.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people on marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Something to think about. This Sunday is the New York city marathon. The marathon is a great chance for foreigners to practice running for their lives. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]