Category: 2016

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro]

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around]

[sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him]

[they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Office Hours

Mr. Buckley… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Buckley and Chad talking in the school office]

Mr. Buckley: You know, that’s alright. Um, I do think that is what they kind of intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore you and I…

Chad: Exist?

Mr. Buckley: Congratulations. You just used your first Cartesian Logic.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits.

Chad: Okay.

[Mr. Buckley and Chad shake their hands.]

[Mr. Buckley leans forward to kiss Chad]

Chad: No thanks.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, that was unbelievably inappropriate behavior Chad. I apologize. I just– I- I- I misread the moment.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I mistook your frequent visits here to mean something more.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

Mr. Buckley: No, it’s not your fault at all. Truth be told, I’m not being myself up late. [Stands and walks looking away] And this weekend, I’m getting married to a beautiful young lady.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Mr. Buckley: Yet, I feel nothing, Chad. Nothing!

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all part of daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girl from new port, become a professor and achieve 10 year by 40. God forbid! The great Lenard Buckley’s son should feel the love of another man!

[Mr. Buckley throws a globe away]

Chad: Another globe.

Mr. Buckley: I was drawn to you Chad because truth be told, I envy you. You’re a man who lives his life free from doubt and worry. I wanna be you Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: Oh, my word. This is so pathetic. Look at me. I’m a 28 year old professor’s assistant pouring my heart out to a sophomore student. Am I boring you?

Chad: Kind of.

Mr. Buckley: [looking at the ceiling] Argh! You can of course leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings. Though, I have to admit having an ear to bend makes a welcome–[door closing sound]

[Mr. Buckley looks around. Chad isn’t there.]

Chad?

[Mr. Buckley runs out of his office]

Chad? Chad?

[Chad is skating away. He turns around.]

Chad: Wad up?

Mr. Buckley: Would you mind just getting back here for a moment? There’s something else I wanted to say to you.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad skates towards Mr. Buckley’s office but he passes the door]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, you passed it.

Chad: Oh, my bad.

[Cut to Mr. Buckley and Chad getting in Mr. Buckley’s office]

Mr. Buckley: Chad, I hopefully can forget about my brief lack of self control today.

Chad: Okay.

Mr. Buckley: I truly hope that my actions haven’t tainted our friendship.

Chad: Ha-ha. Taint.

Mr. Buckley: And lastly Chad, I want to thank you because today you taught me. For a brief moment, I wasn’t spectator to my own life. I was living it.

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Mr. Buckley: You’re right, Chad. I should laugh more. Anyway, I’d appreciate if you kept what happened between us today a secret.

Chad: Okay.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Chad! What the hell? What’s taking so long?

Chad: Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me.

Mikey: Okay! Are you hungry?

Chad: Uh-huh.

[Chad and Mikey leave]

Mr. Buckley: You’re so right, Chad. I shouldn’t keep my secrets in the dark. Thank you Chad.

[looking at Chad and Mikey skating on the streets. Chad falls over the garbage.]

Mikey: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr. Buckley: Thank you.

Chad: Okay!

Meeting with Mr. Shaw

Benedict Cumberbatch

David Hoff… Beck Bennett

Dan Fletcher… Kenan Thompson

Carolina… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with David Hoff and Dan Fletcher having a meeting with Benedict]
Benedict: You must be the gentlemen from Mercy General.

David Hoff: I am David Hoff and this is Dan Fletcher.

Dan Fletcher: Yes. I’m sorry but we were under the impression that we would be meeting directly with Mr. Shaw.

Benedict: Mr. Shaw’s time is extremely valuable. If I deem your proposal worthwhile, I will involve him.

Dan Fletcher: Alright, well, as you know, a hospital has fallen on some hard times.

David Hoff: Frankly, we’re looking for someone who can make a sizable donation.

Benedict: Hm, philanthropy does give Mr. Shaw a kind of thrill. Very well. Carolina, could you ask Mr. Shaw to join us please? Now, whatever you do, do not mention his scar.

[Carolina brings Mr. Shaw in. Mr. Shaw is an eagle wearing a human suit.]

Mr. Shaw. How was your round of golf this morning? Well, that’s why they call it a dog lake, sir. I’m joking of course. [David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are shocked] Well, these gentlemen are from Mercy General. Gentlemen, the floor is your’s.

David Hoff: Yeah.

Dan Fletcher: I’m sorry but is this a joke?

Benedict: Does Mr. Shaw seem like the joking type?

David Hoff: So, should we ask him about the donation?

Benedict: Yes. Mr. Shaw is a little embarrassed to talk about money because, well, he’s on it.

Dan Fletcher: Okay. Well, we’re talking to various investors in the hopes of–

Benedict: [interrupting] I’m sorry. I need to stop you for a moment. Mr. Shaw would like to see your watch?

Dan Fletcher: Oh?

Benedict: He finds it quite shiny.

[Dan Fletcher opens his watch and hands it over to Benedict]

[Benedict shakes the watch in front of Mr. Shaw]

Yes, very shiny sir. Mr. Shaw brightly notes that when the light hits your watch, it reminds him of a fish glinsing in the stream. Ha-ha-ha. Woo, could it jump.

[Benedict gives Dan Fletcher’s back back]

Dan Fletcher: Um, I’m sorry but what are we doing here?

David Hoff: Yes, I’m afraid this is a complete waste of time.

Benedict: Really? A waste of time? But it wasn’t a waste of time when Dalai Lama spent his 16th birthday here, with Mr. Shaw. [Benedict shows pictures of celebrities with Mr. Shaw] Richard Ransom seemed very content a while away that afternoon. As the both Nelson Mandela and Howei Mandel. And of course there was that time that Mr. Shaw met Search Salman Rushdie. And was quite disappointed to find that this was one Salman (salmon) he couldn’t eat.

Dan Fletcher: Look, we need money for our hospital to help sick people.

Benedict: Interesting. Now we are getting somewhere. Quick conference. [whispering with Mr. Shaw] Very well sir, congratulations gentlemen.

Dan Fletcher: You’re serious? You’re going to donate to the hospital?

Benedict: $1.7 million in courtesy of this old softy. Sir, maybe they’ll after your donation name a wing after you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, no, I intended it as a joke sir. I meant no disrespect. No, that was not my intention at all. What subtext? Sir, you– you can’t mean that. After all I’ve given 27 years. I missed my daughter’s birth. Well, you can’t fire me sir, because I quit. Good luck with everything, gentlemen. I hope your hospital can fix a broken heart.

[David Hoff is crying]

David Hoff: So sad.

Dan Fletcher: Actually, cardiology is one of our specialties.

Benedict: I suppose I’ll collect my things. [Benedict walks pass the door and comes back with a football and

Gentlemen, good luck with your hospital. Mr. Shaw, it’s been a wild ride.

[Benedict walks out]

[David Hoff and Dan Fletcher are looking at the Mr. Shaw]

Dan Fletcher: So, do you write us the check? Or…

[Carolina walks in]

Carolina: Excuse me, Mr. Shaw will take his bath now. What’s that sir? Join you? Oh, Mr Shaw! [smiling]

[The End]

Koohl Toilet by Kohler

Leader… Mikey Day

Benedict Cumburbatch

[Starts with people walking in line like in jail]

Leader: My fellow conformists. [Cut to everyone sitting on the toilet bowls and Leader speaking on a big screen] There is only one approved way to sit on the toilet. It has been designed to make you look stupid and feel foolish. It is against regulation to look cool or feel confident on the toilet. This is the way it has always been and must always be.

[Cut to Benedict walking in wearing a black suit and sunglasses]

[Benedict pulls out a hammer. He is standing in front of a box.]

Benedict: No!

[everyone looks at Benedict]

Leader: What is the meaning of this? Go sit on your designated toilet and feel shamed.

[Benedict swings the hammer and hits the box open. There’s a black nice looking toilet bowl.

That toilet is different! What is that?

Benedict: the future!

[Money For Nothing by Dire Straits starts playing.]

[Benedict opens his pants and sits on the toilet bowl facing the opposite direction.

Leader: Impossible! No citizen can look cool while sitting on the toilet! This changes everything! [screaming] No!

[Leader is disconnected from the big screen]

Female voice: Introducing the Koohl Toilet by Kohler. A sweet reverse bowl toilet that you sit on the cool way. Backwards with your arms casually draped over the top. The craftsmanship you expect from Kohler coupled with revolutionary design that brings confidence into the bathroom.

[Benedict stands, wears his pants back on, flushes the toilet and lights a match. The light from his match stick reflects on a glass and lightens everyone in the room.]

Vanessa: Nothing will ever be the same.

Female voice: The Koohl Toilet by Kohler. Coming spring Benedict0Leader7. Already available in Japan.

Gemma and Ricky

Vanessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Ricky Diamonds… Benedict Cumberbatch

Jemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Vanessa and Jean having dinner at a nice restaurant]

Vanessa: Well, Jean, I have to hand it to you. Atlantic city isn’t all gross. I mean Bobby Flay Steak house? Fancy!

Jean: And? Bobby Flay is your celebrity hall pass.

Vanessa: Jean, you’re not supposed to know that.

Jean: Oh, I’m not judging. Mine is Miller Kunis as Meg from Family Guy.

Vanessa: Fair enough, Mr.

[Vanessa and Jean are hugging]

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma walk in. Ricky Diamonds is wearing leather jacket and has long black hair. Jemma is a very fancy girl.]

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god, Jean? Of course, my best bro Jean’s getting some hot public action.

Jean: Excuse me?

Ricky Diamonds: Jean, don’t be selfish. Tag your boy in.

Jemma: [strong accent] Babe, I’m not standing right here. I’m Jemma.

Jean: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

Ricky Diamonds: It’s me, Ricky Diamonds. We met in that male body acceptance workshop?

Jean: Oh, right.

Vanessa: Um, what’s a male body acceptance workshop?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh, I had to look at your husband’s junk and tell him what I found beautiful about it.

Jemma: And I’m Jemma.

Ricky Diamonds: Scoot over. We have to catch up.

Vanessa: Oh, you know, we’re just sort of doing like, a date night.

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma sit in the same booth.]

Ricky Diamonds: Ah! Then you’re gonna love it when you hear what I do. I am a rock n’ roll mentalist. That means I do like, magic to rock n’ roll music. And this is Jemma.

Jemma: I’m British.

Ricky Diamonds: How great is that accent? She sounds like a GPS. Go on. Do it.

Jemma: [acting like GPS] Recalculating. Recalculating.

Jean: Oh. Oh. So–

Ricky Diamonds: How did we meet?

Jemma: We met at the plastic surgeons. We were about to get our tits doen.

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Coz I need that good cleavage for my magic shows.

Vanessa: You do?

[Ricky Diamonds gets Vanessa’s hand and makes her feel his chest]

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah, look, here. Feel. Feels real, right? But it’s not. I paid for it. Now feel her’s. [Ricky Diamonds puts Vanessa’s hand on Jemma’s breasts] Feels real too, right?

Jemma: Mine’s not paid for yet. Still got to balance. So, I’m gonna have to give him back. So I’m thinking of doing like, kickstarter. Can I count on you? I need a little bit of help.

Jean: Well, I guess we could chip in a little bit.

Vanessa: Jean!

Ricky Diamonds: Hey, wanna see a trick?

Vanessa: Not really.

Jemma: Yeah, magic. Magic. Do a trick, babe.

Ricky Diamonds: It’s not a trick babe, it’s an illusion. [Ricky Diamonds pulls out a deck of cards] Okay, pick a card. [Vanessa starts following instructions] Any card. And put it back in the deck. Don’t show me. And put the deck in your mouth.

Vanessa: What?

Ricky Diamonds: Now Jean, can you confirm that this is a real gun?

[Ricky Diamonds passes a gun to Jean]

Jean: Yeah. It’s a real gun. And it’s fully loaded.

Vanessa: [with a deck of cards in her mouth] What? Am I going to get shot?

Jean: Oh, no, no. You’re not going to get shot. It’s a trick.

[Jemma puts a napkin on her head covering her face]

Jemma: Okay, so I’m gonna put a napkin on my head, right? I can’t see nothing. Alright, here we go. [Jemma points the gun forward] One, two–

Jean: No, no. You’re aiming at me. One foot to the left.

Vanessa: Hey!

Jemma: Okay.

Jean: It’s a trick, honey!

Jemma: Here we go.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Excuse me. You can’t have guns in here.

Jemma: No, it’s a magic trick.

[The waiter takes away the gun]

Waiter: Yeah, well, I have to take it up front.

Ricky Diamonds: But dude, I’m in a middle of illusion? Would you treat Chris Angel this way?

Waiter: Who?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god! What a dumb dork! You don’t know who Chris Angel is? Seriously, you’re a dumb dork, dude!

Jemma: Babe, should I take the napkin off my head now?

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Magic’s over. Sorry Jean, Jemma can shoot your wife outside.

Vanessa: Okay. You know, it’s been a long night. So we’re just–

Ricky Diamonds: No, wait. Don’t let that dork ruin my fun. My girl here is a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer.

Ricky Diamonds: Sing a song, babe.

Jemma: It’s called Magic. Give me a beat, babe.

[Ricky Diamonds starts tapping on the table]

[singing] DJ brought the magic last night
casting spells on the dance floor
hypnotize, mesmerize,
magic hat, I know of that
cast a spell, just as well
Harry Potter thinks he’s got a
five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!

Ricky Diamonds: Babe, if you were trying to get the whole table hard as rock, you succeeded. I know Jean’s hard. I can tell by how he’s squiggling in his seat.

Jean: What? Who is squiggling? Not me.

Vanessa: Hah! You are! You are re-arranging something.

Jean: Well, can’t you just be appreciative that it can still happen?

Vanessa: [smiling] I guess so.

Jemma: Aw, they’re in love again. All because of my song. Five, four, three, two, whoop!

She’s gone!

Criminal Mastermind

Alex Moffat

Slate… Beck Bennett

Jack… Benedict Cumberbatch

Cecily Strong

Ron… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two people getting inside a warehouse. There’s a bomb ticking sound.]

Alex: I hear it! Over here.

[Alex takes a sheet away and there’s a bomb]

Slate: Oh! How before this thing turns this place into the inside of cuisinart?

Alex: I don’t know.

[phone rings]

[Slate answers the phone]

Slate: Hello.

Male voice: Gals and boys come out to play, if the moon does shine as bright as day

Slate: Who is this?

[Cut to Jack speaking on the phone]

Jack: Hello, Slate. You may call me Jack. I’ll tell you a story about Jack and Nori and now my story has begun. I’ll tell you another about Jack’s brother and now my score is done. Would you like to play a game, Slate?

Slate: Do I have a choice?

Jack: Next to you is 600 grams of C4 explosive and I hold the detonator . If you want me to deactivate it, answer my query. Johnny’s mother had three children. One was April, one was May, as well the name of the other child only you can say. You have 60 seconds.

[Jack hangs up. Jack is with Cecily and Ron]

I gave them 60 seconds.

Cecily: It’s cool

[Jack, Cecily and Ron are waiting awkwardly]

Ron: Um, you guys have seen Stranger Things? It’s cool. I hear it’s actually based on true story.

Jack: Ron, I swear to god. If you mention–[phone ringing]

[answering the phone] Yes?

Slate: It’s Johnny. You said Johnny’s mother had three children, so the third child is Johnny himself.

Jack: Bravo, Slate. I can see killing you will be harder than I thought. But it seems you forgot about the case of ammonium nitrate I left in your car, outside the school!

Slate: You can’t do that. There’s kids in there.

Jack: They won’t be for long, unless you listen carefully because I’ll only say this once. There is a word, a wonderous word, six letters it contains, take one away from the word and twelve is what remains. You have 60 seconds. [hangs up the phone]

Pretty good, right?

Cecily: Can I ask you something? Don’t get mad. But, do you have to do the riddles?

Jack: What? If I don’t do the riddles, I’m just a common thief. You know, and we all like riddles. Right?

Cecily: No. Yes, people definitely like them. I don’t know if we need them.

Ron: What- What if there were like, pictures?

Jack: And what would that look like, Ron?

Ron: I don’t know. Or what if you had– what if you had to guess how much candy was in a jar?

Jack: Look, I don’t tell you how to do the chlorine. You don’t tell me that– [phone ringing]

[answering the phone] Yes.

Slate: Dozens. Plural. Take away the S and you have Dozen.

Jack: You have quite the ear, Slate. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [covers the phone] He got it! But he won’t get this one. [speaking on the phone] I knew you would be a worthy opponent but the game is not over.

[shutting sounds]

Slate: What was that?

Alex: The exists are locked.

Jack: I just locked every door in the warehouse. You have ten minutes to leave, or answer the following. If you please, I’m full of keys, but cannot open a door–

Slate: [interrupting] A piano.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Um, yea, yea. Very well then, I’ll always come but never arrive today–

Slate: [interrupting] Tomorrow. What is Tomorrow.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Correct. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Slate: Spongebob.

Jack: I give up the damn score!

Slate: But we were playing a game. This is fun! Give me another one!

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

Tilda Switon… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so, so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live on the last week of America as we know it. I know the political situation is really tense in America right now. So, you know, I tell you what we British do when the going gets tough and it feels like the whole world’s crashing down around you. We drink. We drink so much. But on the brighter note, this weekend is the opening of my movie, Doctor Strange. [cheers and applause] And you know what? It’s specially exciting because I get to play a lead in a major Hollywood film. And now more people maybe know my name but they don’t really know me. So, I thought I’d try this American past time. I believe it’s called bragging. Am I saying that right? Brag. So, indulge me for a moment and allow me to introduce myself. [Slow music starts playing. Leslie, Sasheer, Cecily and Melissa join him dancing in the stage]

Leslie: His name is Benedict.

Sasheer: That’s right.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. now let me tell you something quick and right and good.

Leslie: Give it to them, baby.

Benedict Cumberbatch: [singing] Oscar nominated, I’m the king of the screen
But the greatest swag of all is my CBE from a Queen

Ladies: What’s that?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Um, commander of the British Empire. It’s sort of like being a knight but a little lower. I got the certificate in the mails.

Ladies: That’s cool.

Leslie: You’re a knight to me, Benedict. I’m one of you Cumber-bitches..

Benedict Cumberbatch: Oh, yeah. And to be fair, I didn’t pick that name for my fans. I would prefer Cumber-people or Cumber-sums. But you know, they’re wonderful and devoted people. They write a whole lot of fan fiction about me on the internet. And let me tell you, it’s genuinely unsettling.

Ladies: Yes, it’s weird.

Leslie: Did you read my story? Sherlock Holmes in the case of the missing underwear?

Benedict Cumberbatch: No, I didn’t.

[singing] I don’t need to tell you, I know what you’re seeing
but every role I play is always some kind of genius

Ladies: He is smart.

Leslie: That’s right baby. Like, Sherlock Holmes.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Mr. Genius.

Leslie: Like Khan from Startrek

Benedict Cumberbatch: Evil genius.

Leslie: Alan Turning

Benedict Cumberbatch: Gay computer genius

Leslie: And Doctor Strange.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Genius wearing cloak.

Leslie: Hey, Doctor Strange. I think I feel a lump. Can you feel it?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Leslie, once again, look, I’m not a real medical doctor. And that’s not a lump. That’s your full breast.

Leslie: Can I get a second opinion?

Benedict Cumberbatch: Maybe later.

[singing] Leading ladies love me and my co-stars are smitten
from Knightley to McAdams and a bald Tilda Switon.

[Bald Tilda Switon walks in behind Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: Hello Benedict.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Whoa! Tilda? How did you get here?

Tilda Switon: I opened a portal by doing this. [gesturing their hands like they do in Doctor Strange] I’m just kidding, I took an Uber pool.

Ladies: Uber pool.

Tilda Switon: Would you like to do a little rif with me?

Benedict Cumberbatch: I would be honored.

Wow-oo-wow–oo-wow, yeah, yeah

[Tilda Switon takes the mic from Benedict Cumberbatch]

Tilda Switon: [singing] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, what’s my name?

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, sing it nasty.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Now, say it like the queen.

Ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I’m a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Ladies: He’s a mother loving Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch: The mother loving Cumberbatch.

[music stops]

Well, we got a great show for you here tonight. Solange is here. So stick around and we will be right back. Thank you.

Bachelorette Party

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Grammy… Aidy Bryant

Heather… Cecily Strong

Brad… Mikey Day

Roy… Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with three ladies planning a surprise party]

Vanessa: Okay, Heather just texted, she and Grammy are outside. Everyone hide.

Kate: Okay. Okay.

[Everyone hides]

[Cut to Grammy and Heather getting in.]

Grammy: Oh, I’m just saying it was so cold in the restaurant that I ruined my dinner.

Heather: Okay, okay. Grammy, we are all so happy that you’re getting remarried at 83.

Grammy: Okay, Heather, why are you doing a speech at me in the dark?

Heather: I know you didn’t want a bachelorette party, so we had to make it a…

[ladies who were hiding come out]

All: Surprise!

[Grammy is shocked]

Kate: Ha-ha! Look at her. She had no idea. Ha-ha-ha.

[Grammy is still shocked]

Melissa: Hurry, hurry. Get her in the chair.

All: [hooting] In the chair! In the chair!

[Grammy slowly takes Heather to the chair. But Heather dies of shock but nobody notices it.]

Melissa: Alright, that’s better. Here we go. [putting a party-glasses and props on her]

Vanessa: Ha-ha-ha. Gentlemen! She is ready.

[Two young men dressed as construction workers walk in with a boombox.]

Brad: Hey, we’re from the construction company.

Roy: We have a delivery of some heavy wood.

Kate: Ha-ha! [pointing at Grammy] Ester is speechless. We finally found a way to shut her up.

Roy: Hey Brad, crank a tune.

Brad: Oh, yeah.

[Brad turns on a rock song and they start stripping for Grammy]

Heather: Alright!

[Brad and Roy throw their shirts on Grammy’s face. It’s stuck there.]

No, no, no. No hiding, Grammy. [Heather pulls the shirts off her face]

Brad: Hey! Should we get Grammy a fun sandwich, Roy?

Roy: Let’s do it.

[Heather and Melissa are so excited]

[Brad and Roy push Grammy’s head back and forth on their crotches.]

[Ladies are cheering]

Kate: Oh, biscuits! This is wild!

Vanessa: I know. Grammy, are you loving it?

[The gentlemen are twerking on Grammy’s face]

Brad: I think she worked up quite an apetite. Roy?

Roy: Yeah! Well, I’m hungry?

Brad: Let’s get her some dessert.

[Brad sprays creme on his belly and rubs it on Grammy’s face]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Roy starts to spray creme on Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Eat em all.

Brad: You want cherry on that bad boy?

Roy: Do it! You know I like cherry.

[Brad puts a cherry on top of creme that’s on Grammy’s mouth]

Brad: Woo. Yeah, get it.

[Roy eats the cherry off of Grammy’s mouth]

Roy: Oh, my favorite flavor, her mouth.

Brad: Yeah!

Melissa: Hey boys, give us a taste.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Wooo!

[Brad and Roy start twerking on other ladies]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Ester! Ester! I’m still in your man over here. Look out.

Heather: Oh my god, look, Grammy’s so embarrassed that she’s trying to hide.

[Grammy us just slipping down from the chair. She falls on the floor. She is lying facing down.]

Kate: Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I have never seen anything like this.

[Brad and Roy rolls Grammy’s body over]

Heather: Grammy, get up. Just have fun.

Brad: Yes, stop hiding from us. We actually like her on the floor.

Roy: Yeah. She can be like, the spar for our full body workout.

Brad: Yeah.

[Brad and Roy do the workout on Grammy]

[Melissa and Heather are very excited]

Vanessa: Grammy, when Herman hears about this, you’re dead.

[Brad pulls Grammy up]

Brad: Come here, baby. Ooh! Up!

Kate: You know, I really love what your generation has done with this bachelorette party.

Brad: Oh my god! Ma’am? Ma’am?

Vanessa: What’s wrong?

Roy: Um, your grammy is like, our onethousandth customer.

Brad: Which means, she gets a free dance from the world series champion, Chicago Cubs.

[Three more gentlemen enter the room]

[cheers and applause]

Heather: Oh, my god! Those are the real Chicago Cubs!

Gentleman: What’s up, girls? Who wants to hear the Grammy slam?

Ross: Don’t worry Grandma, Grandpa Ross is gonna take good care of you.

Gentleman: It’s your lucky night, we’re about to pull a triple header.

Brad: Ooh! You heard the Cubs. Let’s play ball.

[music playing]

[All the gentlemen are stripping for Grammy]

Weekend Update on the Third Presidential Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, good evening everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Well, this Wednesday was the series finale of the American Horror Story Debates. This was the calmest of the three debates and also weirdly the most hostile. It was like a Connecticut Thanksgiving. Everyone was dressed up nice. They were polite for about 30 minutes, then your uncle had a drink, your aunt mentioned abortion, and your uncle threatened to burn the house down. But I can already tell, I’m gonna miss these debates. They were just such great television. And Donald Trump might be my favorite TV character of all time. He’s like Kramer, you know? His high energy, his plans are insane and it’s only a matter of time before he shouts the N word on stage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut some meat. At the debate, Hillary called Trump the most dangerous person to run for president in modern history. Yeah, but you still only polling in 5 points better than him. So, let’s not get too cocky. Trump’s campaign is literally a full diaper. And 40% of the country is like, “Ah! At least he’s not Hillary Clinton.” Maybe people would like Hillary more if she didn’t get rid of 33,000 emails like she was Lorraine Bracco flushing coke at the end of Goodfellas. Don’t pretend that that’s not suspicious. The only reason anybody would even have 33,000 emails is because they keep all their emails and getting rid of all of them in one time is like going to a Hoarder’s apartment and it’s suddenly empty and smells like bleach, and they’re like, “What 33,000 cats? I don’t know.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the debate, Trump said that the women accusing him of sexual assault are just looking for “their 10minutes of fame’. But the expression is of the 15 minutes of fame. Trump is so cheap, he is lowballing them on their minutes of fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump also restated that nobody respects women more than he does. Nobody? What about other women? What about Rupaul? Now, he respects women. That dude squeezes a size 12 foot in a pumps to leto just as a tribute everyday. Maybe Trump thinks nobody respects women more than him because all his closest friends are Mike Tyson, Roger Ailes and Gary Busey. Yeah, compared to them, Donald Trump is Tina Fey, I guess.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump also refused to say if he would accept the results of the election if he loses. And this is what he had to say.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Keep us in suspense. It’s like he is still hosting a reality show. And I’ll tell you, if I’m going to tear apart the fabric of our democracy, right after the break. Meanwhile, his running mate [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence disagreed and said he will accept the results of the election. Unless they’re gay. And of course, Trump keeps saying this whole time that the media is rigging the election against him. But why would the media rig against him? He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Who do you think they’d rather spend the next four years covering? [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] A grandma who loves secrets or a [Picture changes to Donald Trump] human airhorn who screams every thought in his head and can’t swing his arm without grabbing a lady’s ass?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Well. Trump may have a point. It does seem like virtually every media outlet is doing everything in their power to prevent Trump presidency. The media is acting like the sober girls at a bar making sure their country doesn’t go home with that scuzzy orange dude. They’re like, “America, no! Get in the car. We’re going home with Hillary.” And Trump is like, “Stop hating. Let her decide for herself.” It’s just weird for you to say the system is rigged now. I mean there were 43 white male presidents in a row, and now one black guy and maybe one woman, and now you’re sensing a pattern of unfairness? I don’t even feel comfortable arguing about this. An old white billionaire is on TV telling the world the system is rigged. And my black ass is arguing that it’s not. This just feels wrong. Our world is colliding. What will this lead to? How crazy would it be if Kolin Kaepernick is kneeling for the national anthem and Donald Trump is kneeling right next to him like, “Yeah, me too.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Cyber Security

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The ongoing release of hacked emails by wikileaks has made cyber security a prominent issue in this election. Here to comment on this is our own Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Thank you Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It is great to have you, Leslie. Now, what do you think of all this email hacks.

Michael Che: Well, Colin, um, I was recently hacked myself.

Colin Jost: Really? I didn’t know that.

Michael Che: Yeah. All they did was release nude pics of me, which is nothing because I don’t know if y’all notice about me but I ain’t shy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I actually notice that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Of course you notice, honey bunches of Jost. I am very comfortable with who I am. [Cut to Michael Che] I am an open book. I keep my porn in a folder labelled ‘Porn’. If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask! Just ask! What I’m trying to say is, if you wanna hurt anybody these days, you gonna have to do way more than leak their nudes or call them names. You can’t embarrass me more than I have embarrassed myself. I know all the details, coz I was there. I was there in the third grade when I told this boy Johnny I liked him and he hit me in the back of my head with a rock. I was there when I had a fake wetting with El DeBarge in my bedroom. I was there when Prince was walking towards me smiling all happy to see me until he realized that I was not Chris Rock.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. Prince though you were Chris Rock?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. In the dark we look alike. Hot top, fair teeth. Anyway– [laughing] Colin, do you think some words in the internet can hurt me? [Cut to Michael Che] I once had a crazy bitch try to beat me with a shovel at a bus stop because I took her spot on the bench. Now, that’s a troll. Real trolls ain’t tapping on keyboards. They swing in shovels. Okay? And if I was good at computers, I wouldn’t wasting trolling on people. I would do something useful like, renew my driver’s license from home. I would hack into Tinder and delete all those other girl’s profiles so no matter where you swipe, you get me. You in Missouri? You gonna get me. You in the middle of the ocean? You gonna get me.

Matter of fact, if I was that good at computers, I would build a man. A perfect masculine robot man. Okay? Forget about West-World. I’m talking about Leslie World. Full of perfect robots with perfect penises.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, perfect penises?

Michael Che: Yeah. Like you, but bigger, Colin.

Colin Jost: I- I- I was in the middle of the ocean. So Leslie, you seem pretty unphased by all these online troll.

Michael Che: Colin, let me tell you something. [Cut to Michael Che] I have spent decades getting roasted by comedians. Black comedians, at that, okay? The guy that played the crackhead from the movie Friday has a whole hour on my feet. [Michael Che laughing] So trust me, at a certain point, you stop being embarrassed and start being you. And I have been me for 49 years because the only person who can act me is me. Alright? And my firewall is a crazy bitch with a shovel. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

Michael Che: Just ask!