2019 Archives - Page 5 of 36 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Jennifer Lopez’s Unbelievable Year Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez!

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

[Jennifer Lopez walks in the door and to the stage]

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much. I love being in this city this time of the year because of the great New York holiday traditions. Like people lining up to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree, and New Yorkers gently shoving those same people out of the way so they can get to work, yeah. But Christmas is such an important time to me, because it really makes you look back at the past year. And think about all the things you’re thankful for. And some people are like, “That’s not Christmas. That’s thanksgiving.” To them I say, “No. Shut up.” Okay. Because this year I gotta be honest, I have been so blessed. First off, I got what every girl from the Bronx dreams of. Proposed to by a Yankee. I had the biggest movie opening I’ve ever had, that included a lap dance from Cardi B. I went on to a sold out tour. I slayed the MET GALA and that’s not a brag. A doctor diagnosed it on the spot as a fourth degree slay. I’m about to perform in the super bowl halftime show. And I walked the runway in Milan for the first time wearing a dress I wore 20 years ago. Some people said I look better now than I did then. I’m not bragging. That’s just—you know, gossip. What else? Oh, yeah. I had a big birthday. I turned 50.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Beck Bennett sitting with the audience]

Beck Bennett: Did she say she’s 50?

[Beck Bennett’s head blows up like a balloon]

[Cut to Jennifer Lopez]

Jennifer Lopez: Wow! That man’s head exploded. I’m sorry. But seriously, what I really want to say to everyone watching out there is that the best is yet to come. People try to write you off. It’s all BS. None of us have a shelf life. I mean, look at me. They tried to count me out so many times. But I’m still here. I’m like a little roach, you know. You think I’m gone for good, maybe you haven’t seen me in a few months, but then you go to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and boom, I’ve got an album. Do you want to sing a little song with me?

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]

You better watch out

you better not cry

you better not pout

I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

he’s making a list

checking it twice

gonna find out

who’s naughty or nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you’re sleeping

he knows when you’re awake

He knows if you’ve been bad or good

so be good for Goodness sake

you better watch out

you better not cry

you better not pout

I’m telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town \

Let me get some rockettes out here?

[rockettes come in and dance with Jennifer Lopez]

Come on! It ain’t Christmas without the rockettes. Whoo!

Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming to town

[music stops]

Merry Christmas! We’ve got an amazing show. DaBaby is here! So stick around. We’ll be right back.

NATO Cafeteria Cold Open

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Justin Trudeau… Jimmy Falon

Emmanuel Macron… Paul Rudd

Boris Johnson… James Corden

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Egils Levits… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Stront

[Starts with a narrator narrating]

Narrator: This week, during the NATO conference in London, foreign leaders were caught on a hot mic making fun of President Trump. This included Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, French President Emmanuel Macron and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who Trump had considered a friend. Some dismissed it as petty high school gossip, but you should have seen what happened in the NATO cafeteria.

[Cut to the NATO cafeteria]

Chloe: Oh, hey Denmark.

Heidi: Hey, Norway. NATO conference has been hella ride this year.

Chloe: Totally. So international and fun.

Heidi: Oh, my god. Look, it’s Trudeu and Macron. They’re so cool.

[Cut to Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron walking in with their lunch.]

[cheers and applause]

Emmanuel Macron: Bonjour!

Justin Trudeau: Hey, sorry.

[Cut to Heidi and Chloe]

Chloe: Oh, my god, wow. And I guess, Boris Johnson is hanging out with them now, too.

[Cut to Boris Johnson walking in and joining Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron]

[cheers and applause]

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha, rather!

Emmanuel Macron: Come on. Let’s get some lunch. Maybe even a little bit of wine because we are bad boys.

[They walk to a lunch table where a Romanian is sitting]

Justin Trudeau: [bullying] Romania, scram!

[Romanian leaves the table]

Romanian: Sorry. Hey, you guys. I love your economy.

Emmanuel Macron: Away, geek!

Boris Johnson: Yeah, why don’t you Brexit outta here, Dweeb? Ha-ha-ha.

[Romanian leaves]

Justin Trudeau: OMG. Is that supposed to be a joke bBris? You’re being so cringe right now.

Boris Johnson: Yeah, no. I know. It was dumb of me. I’m sorry guys.

Justin Trudeau: You’re always sorry. You just got to try keep up. That’s what it’s like to hang out with cool guys.

[Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau takes their combs out of their pockets and start combing their hair]

Boris Johnson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [He spits on his hands and fixes his hair with his hands]

Emmanuel Macron: Shh! Quiet! Look, it’s Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Emmanuel Macron: Did you see him speak for 45 minutes the other day? It was just supposed to be a photo.

Justin Trudeau: Well, if I looked like him, I’d try to distract the photographer, too.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, he’s not good looking like us three.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey, guys, is this seat taken?

Justin Trudeau: Sorry, actually, it is.

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, we would love to see you talk and chew at the same time, but we promised this to a friend.

Donald Trump: Well, I’m Boris’ friend. Right, Boris?

[Boris Johnson is looking away]

Boris Johnson: Don’t make this harder than it already is— I’m hanging out with these guys now.

Justin Trudeau: Why don’t you sit over there, Donald? With Latvia?

[Cut to Egils Levits sitting dumbly]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes. Latvia seems more your speed.

Donald Trump: Okay, well, let’s hang out later on then, okay?

Justin Trudeau: Oh, definitely. Yeah, hey, by the way, you look thin. Have you lost weight?

Donald Trump: Actually I’ve gained quite a bit.

Emmanuel Macron: Well, it does not show. You look good.

Boris Johnson: And that tie. What is it made of?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chinese chemicals. It is a clip-on, top and bottom.

[Cut to everybody]

Emmanuel Macron: Very cool. Well, Au Revior.

Justin Trudeau: Oh, my god! That guy’s a mess.

Emmanuel Macron: Did you hear him talk about climate change the other day? He said we need stronger toilets.

Emmanuel Macron: He’s like dumber than Boris.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. He is! Ha-ha! He’s dumber than me!

Emmanuel Macron: Quick, quick. Wave so he thinks we like him.

[Three of them wave at Donald Trump]

[Cut to Egils Levits and Donald Trump. Donald Trump is putting a lot of sugar on his drink.]

Donald Trump: [Talking to Egils Levits] These are my best friends. We run this place.

Eglis Levits: Oh, that’s nice. Hi, my name is Egils Levits but you can call me Egg. Would you like to try some of my pickled squid?

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That’s great Ted!

Eglis Levits: Okay, so this one time in Latvia, we fed the wolvering snaps, and he went nuts! Ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. I’m at the loser’s table. I can’t believe they made me sit with the foreign guy.

Eglis Levits: Hey, this is NATO. We’re all foreign.

Donald Trump: Okay, Fred, please, I’m trying to listen in here.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Justin Trudeau: So, Boris, Macron and I were talking. We think that you should throw a party. This weekend. At Buckingham palace.

Boris Johnson: Well, that’s, that’s the queen’s house.

Emmanuel Macron: Ah, do it, Boris! Unless, you’re not cool enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Did somebody say something about a party?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Oh! I don’t think your would want to go. You’d have to walk upstairs.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and the food is all high quality but small portions. It’s your nightmare.

Boris Johnson: Yeah. You like younger women. This party’s only got Macron’s wife. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Emmanuel Macron: What did you say?

Boris Johnson: Nothing. No, I’m just saying because your wife is older.

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha-ha! That’s good. I like when it’s mean but not about me. So, should I sit with you guys? Because this seat is still not taken.

Emmanuel Macron: No, it’s actually, it’s for someone else. Angela! Angela!

[Cut to Angela eating her meal]

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: We saved you a seat.

[Cut to Angela not believing]

Angela Merkel: Is this happening? I’m actually about to sit at the cool kids table? Okay. Just relax, Angela. Should I bring my flugelhorn? No, I must leave this behind. I must leave it all behind because I am cool now.

[Angela sands and walks to them]

Well, maybe one strudel. Hey, so— What’s up, my dudes? Sorry, Donald, you Shnoogan, you loogan. Hello fello cool kids. Soybean tariffs, am I right?

Justin Trudeau: Hey, Angela, you know who might be coming to our party? Obama!

[Cut to Angela freaking out]

Angela Merkel: Barack!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and you like-like him? What? No. Obama? Eww, he’s like gross. I definitely did not draw his face on my body pillow or anything.

[Cut to everyone]

Justin Trudeau: And Donald, I heard someone likes you too.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Really, who?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Putin.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Boris, do the signs.

Boris Johnson: Oh!

[Boris Johnson stands and walks away]

[Cut to everybody]

Boris Johnson: Well, you know, you better get back to Latvia, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes. Okay, I’ll see you at the party later.

Justin Trudeau: Yeah, totally. It’s under the London Bridge.

[Donald Trump walks away. Boris Johnson stuck a message sign on Donald Trump’s back that says ‘Impeach Me!’]

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: It’s under the London Bridge, but you have to show up naked too.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Egils Levits]

Donald Trump: Okay. I’ll see you guys there. Thanks.

Eglis Levits: Hey, you know, those guys aren’t your friends. They’re mean.

Donald Trump: Well, they’re just kidding around. They love me.

[Donald Trump is shedding tears]

Eglis Levits: Are you crying?

Donald Trump: I just have a little cheeseburger in my eye.

Eglis Levits: You know, you guys really are jerks, okay? [Cut to everybody] You’re all two-faced, and I’m not getting impeached. It’s all a sham. Well, speaking of faces, I’ve heard you can’t get impeached if your hand is bigger than your face.

Donald Trump: Really?

[Donald Trump tried to compare his face and palm, but Justin Trudeau hits him on his face]

[everybody laughing]

Angela Merkel: What a nerd!

[everybody laughing]

[everybody stops moving as if the video is paused]

[Melania Trump walks in with a remote]

Melania Trump: Hello, I am Melania Trump. Bullying is a serious problem. Especially against president Trump. It’s not nice. He would never do it to you. So, please, European leaders, be best. Oh, and I’d also like to tell you about peloton. Are you a scared woman who is traveling inside the mansion? Why not imaging biking away from it all. On Peloton. Merry Christmas to me. Oh and—

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

PottyPM

Man… Kyle Mooney

Woman… Jennifer Lopez

[Starts with a man trying to sleep at night]

Man: Do you ever find yourself in this situation? It’s the middle of the night and you’ve to go to the bathroom. But it’s so cold. You’ré tired. And the toilet seems just too far away. Are you going to try hold in it for the rest of the night?

[The man is looking at the toilet and nodding]

Well, you don’t have to anymore.

[Cut to the man introducing the product]

Introducing, Potty PM. Now, you can do your business while staying nestled under your covers. And the only place you’ll be going is dreamland. Potty PM technology is so easy to use. Just clamp our patented discharge nozzle to your toilet seat. Walk the Potty PM hose back into the bedroom. Place your privates into the Potty PM feeder. Buckle up and tuck yourself in for a good night’s sleep. When it’s that time, all you have to do is let it flow. Potty PM, it’s that easy.

[A woman joins the man]

Woman: And how does it work for women?

Man: What’s that?

Woman: Is that also for women?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Good, ‘cause we have to go in the middle of the night, too. So how does it work?

[Cut to the man]

Man: You put the tube inside of your—

Woman: Inside?

[Cut to the man and woman]

Man: Isn’t there like a flap so you could like—

Woman: Excuse me?

Man: Is it the— clitoris?

Woman: What?

Man: The clitoris?

Woman: No, urine comes out of the urethra. You have one, too.

Man: Oh, yes, now I remember. Yes, the Potty PM for women would work, like, you, like, tie it. And then—because butt has nothing to do with it, right? Wait, how many holes does the girl have again?

Woman: You know what?> Maybe Potty PM is just something for guys.

Man: That’s okay?

Woman: Yeah! It’s fine.

Man: Potty PM. It’s just for guys. And girls can sleep on the toilet.

Surprise Home Makeover

Becker Sheek… Kenan Thompson

Jacqueline Shat… Jennifer Lopez

Matt Shat… Mikey Day

Carpenter Steve… Beck Bennett

Designer Riley… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Surprise Home Makeover intro]

Announcer: HGTV’s Surprise Home Makeover, holiday edition. Ho, ho, yay!

[Cut to the show host]

Becker Sheek: Hey there, Becker Sheek here. Outside the home of Matt and Jacqueline Shats, a husband and wife who entered and won a surprise home makeover. Let’s go surprise them.

[Becker Sheek knocks the door]

[The door opens]

[Matt and Jacqueline Shats walks out]

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god, you’re Becker Sheek.

Becker Sheer: That’s right. In the flesh! I’m looking for Matt and Jacqueline because they’ve just won a home makeover.

Jacqueline Shat: What? Oh, my god! That’s me! I’m Jacqueline. Is your husband home?

Matt Shat: Yes.

Becker Sheer: Could you go get him, sir?

Jacqueline Shat: This is him. This is my husband.

Matt Shat: Hi, I’m Matt. Such a big fan, man.

Becker Sheer: This man is the man that you are married to?

Jacqueline Shat: Yes. I cannot believe that we won. My mind is blown right now.

Becker Sheer: Yes, that makes two of us. Just so I’m clear, you two are married.

Jacqueline Shat: Last time I checked.

Becker Sheer: Would you check again?

Jacqueline Shat: When I asked you to marry me, you said yes, right?

[Matt Shat giggles]

Becker Sheer: You asked him?

Matt Shat: Yes. And on the third time I finally said yes.

Becker Sheer: Third time? You know what, lets just go inside. How about we go inside. Come on folks.

[They all walk in the house]

Matt Shat: Oh my god.

Jacqueline Shat: This is crazy.

Matt Shat: I cannot believe this is happening to me. Like, I never get lucky like this.

Becker Sheer: Alright. I would say you get very lucky.

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, sorry about the mess. We weren’t expecting company Matt’s smurf stuff is everywhere.

Becker Sheer: He’s into smurfs! I’m sorry.

Matt Shat: I smurfing love them!

Becker Sheer: “Surprise home makeover.” Living up to it’s name today. Joining is now via satellite. From our workshop in Texas is one of our elves.

[Carpenter Steve appears on a small box at left bottom corner.]
Carpenter Steve: Hey, Matt and Jacqueline.

Matt Shat: Carpernter Steve!

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! We love Carpenter Steve! Hi!

Becker Sheer: Alright, Steve, tell us what you have planned for their renovation.

[Cut to Carpenter Steve]

Carpenter Steve: Well, Becker, I think accessibility is they key. We need to make it safe and easy for Jacqueline to get around the house since she’s visually impaired.

[Cut to the Shats and Carpenter Steve in split screens]

Jacqueline Shat: I’m not blind, Carpenter Steve.

Carpenter Steve: Oh, no? So what is it then? A green card thing?

Jacqueline Shat: Green card? No, no, we were both born here.

Matt Shat: Yes, you’re looking at two plain old born Americans.

Carpenter Steve: I just see one.

Carpenter Steve: What’s that?

[Becker Sheer interferes]

Becker Sheer: Okay. Why don’t we check back in with carpenter Steve a little later. Let’s talk about the biggest problem with your current house, storage.

Jacqueline Shat: Yes, we have no closet space. Matt, show them where you have to keep your roller blades.

Matt Shat: Oh, yeah! I have to keep my sports stuff here.

[Matt Shat tries to reach his roller blade on the top of the shelf. His tattoo on his lower back is showing.]

Becker Sheer: Okay, wait a minute. Oh, my god! America, Matt Shat has a “SMURF LIFE” tramp stamp. Oh, my god. It’s a full Smurf. What is wrong with you, man?

Matt Shat: I konw, I know. I’m embarrassed. I should have got papa smurf.

Becker Sheer: If I may ask, what do you do for living Jacqueline?

Jacqueline Shat: I do what Amalclooney does.

Becker Sheer: Oh, so human rights lawyer. And you, Matt?

Matt Shat: Um, right now, I have a lot of irons in the fire–

Becker Sheer: So, unemployed?

Matt Shat: Yes.

Becker Sheer: Yes, okay. If you’re just tuning in, I’m here with makeover winners Jacqueline, a human rights lawyer, bronze goddess and her husband by choice, Matt Shat, an unemployed smurf man.

Jacqueline Shat: I still can’t believe we won.

Matt Shat: It’s smurfing crazy!

Becker Sheer: Well, Shats, somebody special would like to say hello. Everyone’s favorite interior decorator, designer Riley!

[Designer Riley walks in with a reindeer nose]

Designer Riley: Hey, gang, how is it glowing?

Jacqueline Shat: Oh, my god! Designer Riley in my house right now.

Becker Sheer: Designer Riley, you’ve seen the Shat’s contest submission and I know you’ve got some ideas.

Designer Riley: We’ve got a real fixer upper on our hands here but I think we start with a different hair cut for sure.

Becker Sheer: Sorry, Riley, I meant the house.

Designer Riley: Oh, open concept, shiplap, the same stuff we always do.

Jacqueline Shat: Open concept. Kind of like our marriage.

Matt Shat: Oh, my god. Baby, come on! That’s private.

Becker Sheer: That’s it! That’s why you two are together. He lets you step out.

Jacqueline Shat: Me? Oh, no, never. But he’s got needs that I can’t always meet, you know? You can’t keep a stallion in the stable.

Designer Riley: I’m sorry. I have to do this. [Designer Riley feels Matt Shat’s penis] Nope, he’s totally average. Average?

Becker Sheer: Average? It’s average! Oh, no! I think I smell burnt toast, I think I might be having – a damn sure smurf. Sorry. We’ll be right back. What is wrong with you?

The Corporal

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jennifer Lopez

The corporal… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a show’s intro]

Announcer: Now we return to 1955. What do you figure is going on in that house?

[Cut to two women grooming each other]

Aidy: Well, sister, today is the day.

Kate: Yes. The corporal is coming for a visit to pick a wife.

Aidy: Yes. That’s right. He’s going to pick between us sisters, whoever is the most beautiful.

Kate: Well, we know he’ll take me because I’m the prettiest sister.

Aidy: No, I’m the prettiest sister.

[Third sister comes in]

Jennifer: Sisters. Did I miss the corporal?

Aidy and Kate: [yelling] No, get back in the room!

Jennifer: You’ll tell me when he’s here, right?

Aidy and Kate: Absolutely.

Jennifer: Well, I hope he likes me. Why do we keep all these mirrors covered? I wish I knew what I looked like.

Aidy: No, you don’t. You look like a toad.

Kate: Yes. Like a stinky man foot.

Aidy: Yes, look. We have a photograph of you.

[Aidy shows a horrible drawing of a stick-person]

Jennifer: Oh, that’s me?

Aidy: Yes, this is the best one we’ve got.

Kate: Yes, now go back upstairs.

Jennifer: You’re so good to me.

[Jennifer leaves]

Aidy: Seeing her for some reason, makes me want to put on a lot of make-up.

Kate: Me as well.

Aidy: Fine!

[Aidy and Kate walks to the mirror and starts putting on some makeup]

Kate: Here we are. I’ll put on some rouge to impress the corporal.

Aidy: Ah! Well, so will I. He’ll have no choice but to find me gorgeous.

Kate: Yes. Then I’ll put on more. I’ll be so pink he’ll have to make me his new wife.

Aidy: Well sister, you look stressed. Here, I made you a drink.

Kate: Why, that’s a cup of pills.

Aidy: Ah, so it is.

Kate: Oh, you just reminded me. Cartier sent a necklace for you. OH. Here, try this on. [It’s a rope people use for hanging to take their lives]

Aidy: Why, that’s a rope.

Kate: Oh, silly me.

Aidy: Well, sister, you have some lipstick on your teeth. Here, I’ll get it for you. [Aidy points a gun at Kate]

Kate: That’s a shot gun. Oh, well, so it is. I thought it was a Q-tip.

[Cut to the third sister walking in]

Jennifer: Sisters! I heard a commotion. Has the corporal arrived?

Aidy and Kate: Get back in the room!

Jennifer: Please, can’t I stay? I’ve never seen a man. Can’t I have a peek?

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: What do you think?

Aidy: Well, we can’t have her barging in. Let’s keep her close but keep her hidden.

Kate: Right, right.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Sister, you can stay but you have to be a coat rack.

Jennifer: Well, of course. Because of how ugly I am. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll be a coat rack. Like this.

[Jennifer poses with her hands behind her head.]

Aidy and Kate: No, no.

Kate: That’s too ugly. Wroof! Is there a dog in here?

Aidy: Yeah, that won’t do. I know, we’ll put you in the bird cage.

Jennifer: Yes. Good idea. [Jennifer walks in the big bird’s cage herself] While I’m in here, I’ll make myself useful and polish the bars.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy and Kate: No. no. no.

Aidy: The corporal would hate that.

Kate: We can’t have her move.

Aidy: I know, it’s too damn hot when she moves.

Kate: Yes! Right.

Aidy: Let’s tie her to the bed.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Yes. Tie my hands above my head and make sure my feet are far apart so I can’t untie with my toes.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, you know what? Hearing that out loud, that sounds ugly.

Kate: Right, right. Maybe grunt a lot so he knows you’re a toad.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh, good idea. Good idea. [Jennifer starts moaning] Oh! Oh! OH! OH!

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Aidy: Okay, men hate that. And even I hate that a little bit.

Kate: She needs to be silent.

Jennifer: Good idea. [Cut to Jennifer] Maybe—maybe you should stuff a big sausage in my mouth.

[Cut to Aidy and Kate]

Kate: That feels like something.

Aidy: Yes. Sister, try to hide her is making it harder. You’re right. We need to take care of her.

Kate: Sister, listen, if you want to meet the corporal, you’ll need to know how to kiss.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Wait! Do you think he’d want to kiss me? A girl with a deadly shellfish allergy?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, that’s why you have to practice on this man. [Aidy gives Jennifer a lobster]

Jennifer: So, that’s what a man looks like?

Kate: Yes, They’re small, and they’re lobsters.

Jennifer: Okay. Hello. [Jennifer starts kissing the lobster] Oh, oh, no. It is making my lips swell. Oh, no, he’ll hate this.

[Jennifer is pouting]

Aidy: Okay. We have to shoot her.

[Kate takes a gun out shoots at Jennifer. It only cuts off her upper dress and the dress becomes strapless.]

Aidy and Kate: No!

Aidy: Now it’s strapless. And she’s gorgeous!

Kate: Yeah, but so are we. You know what? It’s still anybody’s game.

Aidy: Oh, who will he pick?

[Doorbell rings]

Aidy and Kate: The corporal!

[The corporal walks in and in no time he makeshis pick]

The corporal: [pointing at Jennifer] Her!

Them Trumps Rally

Alex Moffat

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Darius Junior… Chris Redd

L’evanka… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a man walking in]

Alex: Welcome to Pennsylvania, Mr. President. Thousands of your supporters have shown up. But the impeachment has the country on edge. So, you may have to be careful about what you say today.

[Cut to the Trumps]

Darius Trump: Careful? Please! They’ll be even more hyped because they all know Darius Trump.

[Cut to the show intro]

Narrator: From the producers of “Empire”, the first show to ask the question, “What if Donald Trump was black?” Darius Trump. Darius Jr. and Lavanka. Together, they are “Them Trumps.”

[Cut to Alex and the Trumps walking through the hallway]

Alex: The house of intelligence committee’s report has some serious accusations in it. The media says the tide is turning against you.

Darius Trump: The media won’t make or break me. My people will always support me.

[Cut to Darius Junior]

Darius Junior: The media is all lies. That’s in my new book. [Darius Junior shows his book]

[Cut to L’evanka]

L’evanka: Come on, daddy. Don’t worry about the media. Your supporters didn’t even care when you wanted to have the G-7 summit at your presidential nightclub.

[Cut to everybody]

Darius Trump: I still think club DTF would have been the perfect spot. I mean, the ladies get in free. You can’t beat that, man.

Alex: Well, it is amazing how well they’ve been. These people don’t have a history of supporting a black candidate.

Darius Trump: Well, that’s because when they see me, they don’t see color, baby. I’m Darius Trump. I keep it real, man. They know me. I’m the one who’s making America swag again.

[Cut to the crowd hooting for Darius Trump]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.

[Cut to Darius Trump walking to the Podium.]

Darius Trump: Thank you, thank you. People, emancipation is under attack. They say assaulted the Ukraine. They say I abused my office. And you know what? Maybe I did. Because I will do whatever it takes to win this election. I will pat somebody on the head right on fifth avenue with my own gun if I have to. And I know you will always have my back even though I’m black.

[Crowd starts booing]

Okay, let’s warm up the cops.

[the show ends]

Narrator: On the next “Them Trumps.”

Alex: I don’t think we can make it out without any trouble.

Darius Trump: My man, please, I’m the president. I’m the most protected man in the world.

[Darius Trump walks out the door. People are trashing his car.]

Alex: Call an Uber?

Darius Trump: Yes!

Weekend Update: #1 Spotify Artist and Peloton Backlash

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Post Malone and a logo of Spotify at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that the most streamed artist of 2019 was Post Malone. He is replacing last year’s winner, Pre Malone.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a woman and Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peloton is being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a Peloton bike that her husband gave her. But at least they decided against using the slogan, “Peloton, you’d better keep it tighter than the baby sitter.”

[Michael Che laughing]

[the picture changes to a mannequin and a British flag]

The parents of a toddler in great Britain say he’s obsessed with a hair styling mannequin head and he’s carrying it everywhere. It’s an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they watch him be sentenced for multiple murders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a microwave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A dog in England started a house fire after he jumped on the counter and accidentally turned on the microwave. If it was such an accident, how come the microwave had a cat in it? A cute one.

[The picture changes to XFL logo]

The XFL has unveiled the new uniform for the upcoming season. At the same time, they’ll be shipping them directly to Haiti.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A german woman is under investigation after she was told to leave a tram for not having a ticket and she sprayed the worker with her breast milk. The worst part was the worker just stood there. Mouth wide open.

[Picture changes the another news article]

Police in North Carolina arrested man after he was discovered in Cole’s parking lot smoking marijuana naked in his car. And I’m willing to bet that car was a Lincoln. [Picture changes to Matthew McConaughey in driving seat]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of John Schnatter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s has filed for divorce because marriage is a lot like Papa John’s pizza. It only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk and alone.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Holiday Season

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday season has officially begun. Here in his own unique take on the holidays is Jules who sees things little differently.

[Jules slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jules: Good evening, Colin. Or should I say good-morrow?

Colin Jost: I think good evening is fine. Jules, are you enjoying the holiday season?

Jules: You could say that. But you see, [Cut to Jules] I celebrate the holidays a little differently. While other people leave out milk and cookies for Santa, I leave out CBD and a note that says “You are enough.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So do you like go home for the holidays?

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Well, I live in my dad’s pool house. But no. I’m not allowed in the main house anymore because of a cocaine misunderstanding. But Colin, you’re missing the real point of the holidays. Everyone talks about is Black Friday. But that must stop. The movie is just called Friday. We don’t call it Black Shrek.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait! You think that Shrek is black? \

Jules: His body, his choice, Collin. But you’re missing the point. [Cut to Jules] The holiday shouldn’t be about consumerism. It should be about can-userism. I can use everything around me and turn it into art, the last autumn’s leaf dandling on a tree branch. And old native-American woman on the subway who I take by the hand and say, “Stand up, dance for us like you once did on this land before my disgusting ancestors stole it from you.” She responded, “I’m Filipino”, and I said, “No, you’re free.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This is holiday related?

Jules: My perfect holiday meal you asked?

Colin Jost: I didn’t.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: A table with one person of every ethnicity, white, gay, wheelchair. All seating together, eating nothing but conversation, ideas, delicious. Could you pass the philosophy? And I love seconds on social awareness. Yum, yum, yum, I’m so full… of hope.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s like your plan for Christmas?

Jules: Ah! Why are we even giving these holidays names Colin? [Cut to Jules] Instead of calling it ‘Halloween,’ why don’t we call it ‘A great day for women.’ And instead of ‘Easter,’ why not call it ‘Sister,’ and celebrate our Latina sisters?

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no. You got to get out of here.

Jules: Oh! I’m sorry, do you have a problem celebrating the Sister?

Colin Jost: God damn! Jules, I actually saw a bunch of cocaine in one of the dressing rooms backstage.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, dream powder. I have work to do.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Speaker 3: Jules everyone.

Jules: Santa, free your elf slaves.

Weekend Update Moving Forward with Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with ‘Weekend Update’ intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

This week, democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So, Trump was right. A lot of Americans will be saying Merry Christmas again. [The picture changes to Nancy Pelosi] After announcing articles impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates president Trump saying, “As a Catholic I don’t hate anyone.” As a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate. Yourself. Also, a Catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump. It would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, wine and a map of France at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned France that if it impose it’s attacks on US tech companies, the US will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I got to admit, it is pretty funny that all the Trump’s tariffs are based on lazy stereotypes. In it was Japan you would attack ninja stars. If it was Italy, spaghetti. God forbid it was a black country. He would probably tax those Popeye chicken sandwiches.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Donald Trump and Just Trudeau left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump called Justin Trudeau two-faced after the Canadian Prime Minister was caught making fun of Trump. And it is true, I’ve definitely seen Trudeau with at least one other face.

[Picture changes to an old picture of Justin Trudeau having black face]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Oh, you going out swinging! President Trump said he wants to get rid of water saving regulations for toilets.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking in a conference.]

Donald Trump: People are flushing ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: What people are flushing toilets 15 times? Besides you. You don’t even drink. You can’t blame whiskey. I don’t want to be gross, but if you’re up to double digit flushes, you might as well just grab it out the bowl and toss it out the window.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Devin Nunes, Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to at representative Devin Nunes, he spoke with Giuliani associate Lev Parnas on the phone for 8 minutes, which if true that would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T. That means that Giuliani, Devin Nunes and Lev Parnas were in constant contact during the whole Ukraine scheme. I’m just impressed these geniuses were able to up with a plan at all. Usually when people with their mental capacity team up, all they do is talk about different kinds of shrimp. [Picture changes to Tom Hanks nd Michael Jace]

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

And now, Rudy Giuliani has traveled to Ukraine to work on a documentary they think will undermine the democrats’ case for impeachment. Does he know how long it takes to make a documentary? Is there a voting on impeachment in like a week. I think when he says a documentary, he might just mean a tiktok.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of White House at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The white house issued new guidelines that requires people receiving food stamps to work at least 20 hours a week. Good, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are trying to take advantage of them? One time I saw a guy begging on a train, and I was about to give him money. And this lady immediately goes like, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” I don’t know. That smells like pretty real piss.

Weekend Update Nancy Pelosi Prays for Donald TrumpPrays for Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week, Nancy Pelosi was asked by a reporter if she hates president Trump. Here to comment, Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy Pelosi slides in]

Nancy Pelosi: Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi, Nancy. That journalist seem to really get under you skin with that question.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi]

Nancy Pelosi: You know, you never know who is self-identifying as a journalist these days. That word doesn’t mean what it used to. Thank you for the lively debate. Breitbart, Ryan Seacrest.