Tag: Cecily Strong

Music Box | Season 44 Episode 21

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emily

Storekeeper… Paul Rudd

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people in an antiques store]
Cecily Strong: What a beautiful antiques store.

Kyle Mooney: Honey, look at this old sign. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney] It says, ‘I only drink on days that start with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

Cecily Strong: That’s hilarious. We probably don’t need that since you’re not drinking anymore.

Kyle Mooney: Oh, right.

Cecily Strong: You do remember that conversation?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. Hey, look what Emily found.

[Cut to everybody]

Emily: Look!

Cecily Strong: Oh! [Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] Look, it’s a music box with a ballerina on top. You know, my grandmother had one of these.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Oh, that’s a wonderful choice. [Store keeper walks to them] They don’t make them like that anymore. And very affordable.

Cecily Strong: Our daughter just started ballet lessons.

Kyle Mooney: She’s not very good.

Cecily Strong: $60? I don’t know.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Wind the bottom and she’ll dance for you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney]

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, wow. Don’t you wish you could dance like that, sweetie?

Cecily Strong: The song is so pretty. Do you know the name of it?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Of course. It’s ‘Fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: ‘Fancy party’? I don’t know that.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Sure you do. It’s a famous old beautiful song. Wind it again and let’s see if I remember the words.

[Cut to everybody]

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: It started, the fancy party’s finally getting started

nothing can go wrong, owe wait, I farted,

I farted, now my whole world will never be the same.

[Cut to everybody]

And that’s ‘fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: Hang on. The song ‘Fancy Party’ is about a ballerina having gas at a party?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: That’s right. And the catastrophic effect it has on her life, relationships and dancing career.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: That’s not real.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Sure it is. Your grandmother probably sang it to you while you went to sleep. Wind it again, you’ll remember.

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom]

[music playing]

[Cut to the storekeeper]

I beefed one,

they hired me for dancing, then I beefed one

it was oh, [Cut to everybody] so very long and not a brief one

because I beefed one

Now this whole fancy party knows my name

Cecily Strong: Wait I do know this.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Storekeeper]

Cecily Strong and Storekeeper: I gave them quite a scare

when I jumped up in the air

and out a fruity rooty came

Storekeeper: I knew you knew it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: I’m sorry if you’re eating

but my tights just took a beating

Everybody: And now I fear I’ll never dance again

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I farted.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Hello.

Kenan Thompson: I was just passing by and heard ‘Fancy party”.

Everybody: Did you hear the news how I done farted?

Now the party has sadly been departed

because I farted

That’s just how it goes.

Kyle Mooney: Wow.

Cecily Strong: That’s good.

Storekeeper: Memories.

Kyle Mooney: I’m glad you didn’t sing, honey. You would have messed it up.

Emily: Sing it again.

Cecily Strong: Let’s do it.

[Cecily Strong breaks the music box trying to wind it]

oh! No! Did I break it?

Storekeeper: What have you done?

Kyle Mooney: Honey, what have you done?

Cecily Strong: It wasn’t one of a kind, was it? Surely there are more.

[Everybody are staring at Cecily Strong]

Please, please.

[Cut to Kenan coming up front to camera]

Kenan Thompson: And that’s The Twilight Zone.

Don’t Stop Me Now | Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 21

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant… Sarah Sanders

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]

Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]

Donald Trump: hank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing the democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride, America, because tonight, well,

[music playing]

Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time.

[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]

Melania Trump: He feels alive.

Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!

[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]

Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy

Melania Trump and Mike Pence:  So don’t stop him now

Everybody: Don’t stop him

cause he’s having a good time

having a good time

[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]

Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society

you can’t subpoena him

he’s gonna obstruct

Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns

He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you

Donald Trump: I’m burning every page

picking every fight

Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice

cause he listen to the Fox News guys

Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having such a good time

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!

Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

you wanna huge distraction

[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]

Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

We don’t wanna stop at all.

[Clarence Thomas comes in]

Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the votes now

women are screwed

[Clarence Thomas leaves]

Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no

All men are still in control

Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now

Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones

and he lives in a big glass house

He cheated on every spouse

Mike Pence: I want to make a chik-fil-a man out of you

[Rudy Giuliani joins]

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall.

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it

[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]

Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah

Donald Trump: One tweet at a time.

Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys

that’s why most of them are serving time

Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you

[music stops]

Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys.

Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too.

Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead.

[music playing]

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music

it’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight

[music stops]

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]

Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction.

[music playing]

So, don’t stop me now

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: we’re having such a good time

Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us

we’re having a good time

we don’t want to stop at all

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies.

[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine.

Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America.

[Cut to Everybody]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

A Journey Through Time | Season 44 Episode 21

Dr. Markowitz… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Handly … Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Dex … Paul Rudd

Miss Rafferty … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Markowitztalking in a meeting]

Dr. Markowitz: Thank you all for coming. I’m Dr. Markowitzwith NASA and this is Dr. Handly with the institute for temporal anomalies.

Dr. Handly: We’re obviously very interested in your story as you were the first three people to have experienced a verified time travel event.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Cecily Strong: This is bananas. I mean, we were just three buds watching TV and now, we’re quantum pioneers.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Now please tell us how this time portal appeared.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Well, I got a free one month trial to the Showtime channel. We was watching Ray Donovan, and I’m a fan, I’m a sucker for conflicted heroes, good person, bad deeds, that dichotomy is very rich to me.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Yes, wonderful sir. But if you could focus on the time travel.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Dex: Uh, right, yeah, well, me and her, we was on the couch when this glowing majestic gateway appeared and we drifted into it and we found ourselves in a gorgeous city made entirely of crystal or something.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, and we were welcomed by a group of people made up for just all the races of the world and they said, “We are the council of humanity, this is the future.” It was so beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: And you, miss Rafferty?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Miss Rafferty:  Yeah, a little different for me. I must have been on the wrong side of the portal or something, because I wasn’t so much welcomed to the future as I was violently sucked a million years into the past. I went to caveman times, man. Got yanked so hard, my sweats and my sneaks stayed in the present. So I land ass up face down in the mud with my cooter and tooter on full display. And I’m thinking, “Last time I was in this position, I got kicked out of Woodstock 99.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: And were there people there to welcome you as well?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: ‘People’ is such a strong word. You know on the evolution chart where you see how the monkeys became human? These guys hadn’t hit the halfway mark yet.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Let’s focus on what happened in the future.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: Well, the Council of Humanity showed us their city.

Dex: Yeah, it was beautiful. I would have wept but I was all cried out from watching ‘Nurse Jackie’ on showtime.

Cecily Strong: It’s probably enough of Showtime stuff Dex.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: You know, these two are walking around Wakanda, meanwhile, where I’m at, it’s the rise of the planet of the apes. [Cut to Miss Rafferty] Because all 50 of these hairy naked monkey people are swarming at me and they start rubbing me with their butts. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on the business end of 50 balloon knots, but it ain’t exactly a Tuscan sunset.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Perhaps this was some sort of primitive religious ritual?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Buddy, god had no part in this. They were marking me with their scent. And these guys weren’t exactly zestfully clean. They zebra striped my T-shirt so much, I looked like a foot locker employee. But hey, it’s never easy making new friends, right?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Noted. And what happened next in the future?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Dex]

Cecily Strong: We was taken to this place called the Oculus and inside was all these gateways to other solar systems.

Dex: Yeah, yeah. And in each one was a planet they had colonized. I couldn’t believe I was chosen to witness this.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Well, I too was chosen. Chosen by the alpha female to be her new girlfriend. She comes at me like a silverback, right? Ragdolls me. And look, I really ain’t into ladies but if nothing else is open, I’ll eat at a taco bell. You smell what I’m saying?

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz:  Yes, I think I do.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: Right, all right. So anyway, this gal wants to bond, right?

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Dex and Miss Rafferty]

[Miss Rafferty stand up and goes behind Dex]

Do you mind, Dex? She climbs on my back, right, she starts picking at me, looking for stuff to eat. [Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.] And unfortunately she’s finding a buffet. So, I guess the snack got her in the mood because then she starts like grinding into my head. Trying to mate with my hair, I guess. She’s using my face for like a handhold. Then she goes back to eating, climbs around the front and sees my ear, which I guess she thinks is some kind of vending machine because she’s just—[Miss Rafferty starts licking and sucking Dex’s ear] She’s candling but there ain’t no wax. Okay. Then for the grand finale she reaches down, she pops a finger up her keester like it’s her second date or something. And I’m like, “Hey, curious Georgina, last person to try that never saw his wedding ring again.”

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Yes. Thank you for that.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty and Dex.]

Miss Rafferty: No problem. And thank you, Dex.

Dex: Your jeans rug burned my neck.

Miss Rafferty: Oh yeah? Poor you, I got bushed, smushed by a cave woman. You’ll live.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: Now, how were you all brought back to the present?

Cecily Strong: Umm, well, the portal opened up beside us and the council said, “When fear is replaced by trust, your world will begin to change.” Then we were home.

Dex: Yeah. It was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Right up there with getting that email that said you’ve been selected for a free month of the Showtime channel.

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: See, that’s piss in my porridge because when I dove in the portal to get home, still pantsless, mind you, I landed downward dog in a grand Hyatt bar room with my Casino with my bean burrito right up in Barry Levine’s face.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Handly: Who is Barry Levine?

[Cut to Miss Rafferty]

Miss Rafferty: A young man who’s never going to forget his Bar Mitzvah. That’s who.

[Cut to Dr. Markowitzand Dr. Handly]

Dr. Markowitz: All right. We would like to take you all for a medical exam.

[Cut to everybody]

Miss Rafferty: Hey, it might be a problem. I got a zero health insurance]

Beauty and the Beast | Season 44 Episode 20

Mrs. Potts… Emma Thompson

Beauty… Cecily Strong

Beast… Beck Bennett

Dumbbell…Kyle Mooney

Swing Weight… Kenan Thompson

Barbell… Melissa Villaseñor

Chafe… Pete Davidson

Shake weight… Mikey Day

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: We now return to live action ‘Beauty and the Beast’, exclusively on the Disney channel and Growl, the hookup site for gay bears.

[Cut to a scene from Beauty and the Beast dancing and Mrs. Potts is singing.]

Mrs. Potts: Tale as old as time

true as it can be

barely even friends then somebody bends unexpectedly

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast holding hands and dancing slowly.]

Beauty: Just a little change

small to say the least

Beast: Both a little scared neither one prepared

[Cut to Beauty, Beast and Mrs. Potts]

Everybody: Beauty and the beast

Beast: Thank you, Mrs. Potts.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, it’s no trouble. I’m just happy to see you two growing closer.

[Cut to Beauty and the Beast]

Beauty: He’s not quite the beast I thought he was.

Beast: And you’re not too bad yourself. Listen, I’m going to hit the gym. You want to meet up for dinner later?

Beauty: Oh, you go to the gym?

Beast: Yeah. Yeah. I put a gym in the basement. Why do you think I’m so jacked?

Beauty: Because you’re a beast.

Beast: Have you ever seen a buffalo before? They’re fat as hell. No, babe, I’ve got to hit the gym at least four times a week. Strive for five.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]
Dumbbell: What’s this part of the castle?

[Cut to Everybody]

Beast: Hey, what are you doing? Get out of here.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, you left the gym door unlocked, so we thought we’d come and find you.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god! The equipment in the gym came to life too?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beauty: And you’ve kept them locked in the basement for the past 10 years?

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Has it been 10 years? There are no clocks in the beast’s gym.

Swing weight: Yeah. Just posters of Britney Spears when she was 17.

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: Okay, okay. I think she’s now 18. And those were in the castle before I bought it. I left them up as a joke.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Swing weight: And you should hear the little affirmations the Beast whispers to himself. “Big boy going to get swole. Papa, got to get that juicy thigh meat.”

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No, no. I never talk about my thigh meat like that. I don’t.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Barbell: Let’s sing the workout song.

[cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: The workout song?

[Cut to Beauty and the beast]

Beast: No idea what that is.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight]

Dumbbell: Yes, you do. It’s your favorite.

[Music stars playing]

Dumbbell and Swing weight and Barbell: 

I’ll take you to the candy shop

I’ll let you lick the lollipop.

Beast: No, no, no. Stop. [Cut to Beauty and the Beast] Stop that. I’ve never heard that song before. Let me get you guys back downstairs. All right? Might even make the witch’s spell even worse.

[Mrs. Potts joins]

Mrs. Potts: You really are beast. And to think my son looks up to you.

Beauty: Your son chip?

Mrs. Potts: No, my other son, Chafe.

[Chafe joins]

Chafe: Hey, mom. Good to see you, Beast.

Beauty: A cup with fur? Oh, my god. You had sex with Mrs. Potts?

Beast: I was alone in castle for eight years. What the hell was I supposed to do?

Beauty: Not have sex with a magical teapot!

Beast: Yeah, but she’s got that sexy accent.

[Cut to Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Mrs. Potts: Wilbur, could you please not do this in front of Chafe?

Chafe: Ah, it’s cool. I’ve seen way worse stuff online. I’ve done the momo challenge like twice.

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: First of all, could we go back to Wilbur? Your real name is Wilbur?

Beast: Oh, yeah. ‘Cause Belle’s super cool, right? What’s your first name? Door?

Beauty: My first name’s Belle, you doofus. God, I can’t believe I fell for my kidnapper again.

[Cut to dumbbell, barbell and swing weight. Shake weight joins them.]
Shake weight: Did the evil beast let us out?

[Cut to Mrs. Potts]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, my god. What is that?

[Cut to Shake weight and swing weight]

Swing weight: Well, he’s a shake weight, isn’t he? The beast bought him eight years ago and he never used him.

Shake weight: Shake weight? Friend?

[Cut to Beauty, Beast, Mrs. Potts and Chafe]

Beauty: You guys all deserve each other. Good-bye, Wilbur.

[Beauty leaves]

Beast: Yeah? Well, your loss. I’ve still got two days left to break the curse. So I ain’t sweating it.

Mrs. Potts: Oh, that’s not good.

Beast: No, you’re going to be a teapot forever.

[Chafe leaves]

Mrs. Potts: Well, maybe that’s not bad.

[Cut to Swing weight]

Swing weight: Tale as gross as slime

[Cut to Beast and Mrs. Potts holding hands and dancing]

a thing you can’t unsee

Mrs. Potts: Barely even drunk

I brushed against his junk accidentally

[Cut to Everybody]

Barbell: how would they even mate

strange to say the least

Beast: Don goes in the spout

baby cup comes out

teapot and the beast

Continuity Errors | Season 44 Episode 20

Frank Parisi… Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Belle… Ego Nwodim

Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Matthew… Alex Moffat

Marriot… Cecily Strong 

Lady Grantham… Emma Thompson

Pizza guy… Chris Redd

[Start’s with a program’s intro]

[Cut to Frank in his set]


Frank Parisi: Hello. I’m Frank Parisi and welcome to Wait a Second, That Shouldn’t Be There. The show where we look at some of the biggest continuity errors in Hollywood history. You may have seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Where they accidentally included a shot of [Cut to a picture of Game of Thrones’ scene] Daenery’s sitting next to a modern Starbucks cup.

[Cut to Frank]

There has been even more glaring errors over the years that somehow went unnoticed. See if you can spot anything weird in this classic scene from the 2016 remake of “Roots”.

[Cut to a scene from Roots]

Kenan Thompson: You have to understand, Belle, this is just the way things are.

Belle: But it’s not how things have to be. We can change the present. And the future.

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a box of White Castle Crave case behind him]
Kenan Thompson: Girl, that kind of thinking is going to get you killed, Belle. You’ve got to let go of them silly dreams.

[Cut to Belle. She is holding a ‘Big Gulo’ smoothie cup in her hand.]

Belle: If we don’t have dreams, then we have nothing. You were the one that taught me that. [Belle slurps the smoothie]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: Did you notice the Slurpee? Somehow the editor did not. And somehow, no one caught these little booboos in 1998. “Shakespeare in love” either.

[Cut to a scene from Shakespeare in love]

Thomas: Well, there’s something I need you to know. Something I’ve kept from you.

[Cut to Mikey. Mikey takes Sun chips out and eats eats.]
Mikey Day: What is it, Thomas?

[Cut to Thomas]

Thomas: I’m actually not who I say I am. Would you like to see the real me? [Thomas turns around and opens his shirt]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: My stars. Thomas is a girl. Me thinks I have an idea for a new play. [Mikey opens his MacBook]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: You might ask how did they miss all those errors? Well, keep in mind, everyone was distracted because just off camera, Harvey Weinstein was masturbating into a plant. Check out this subtle screw-up from season two of ‘Downton Abbey’.

[Cut to a scene from Downton Abbey]

Matthew: Marriot, I want to stay by your side but the great war is upon us.

[Cut to Marriot. She is wearing a dinner napkin.]

Marriot: We’re all at war, Matthew. Not just the men fighting in the trenches.

[Cut to Matthew. He is wearing ‘2017’ goggles.]

Matthew: But I love you, Mary. Don’t you understand? [A woman clears her throat] Oh, lady Grantham, we didn’t hear you come in.

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is wearing a beats headphone.]
Lady Grantham: Yes. I can be very quiet. Unlike most people in this house.

[Cut to Matthew]

Matthew: People forgive me, my lady. Is there anything we can help you with?

[Cut to lady Grantham. She is also wearing a soda hat now.]

Lady Grantham: Well, in order to help you’d have to have a modicum of skill, wouldn’t one?

[Pizza delivery guy walks in]

Pizza guy: I’ve got a large mushroom pie for a name Maggie Smith.

Lady Grantham: Just call me Mags. I have a coupon.

Pizza guy: Oh, I’m sorry. That promotion is over. [Pizza guy leaves with the pie]

Lady Grantham: Son of a bitch.

[Cut to Frank]

Frank Parisi: I think that pizza guy’s a star. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll look at famous scene from Jurassic Park. There’s something you might have missed. Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Bad Girl Talk Show | Season 44 Episode 20

Tracy… Kate McKinnon

Sherman Cole… Kenan Thompson

Rae Rae… Ego Ngodim

Carla… Cecily Strong

Marcus… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Dr. Jill… Emma Thompson

[Starts with intro music of Tracy]

Tracy: All right. Welcome back to Tracy. [Cut to the host] On today’s show we’re talking millennials gone bad. Our first guest, Sherman Cole says his 17 year old daughter Rae Rae’s out of control.

[Cut to Tracy and Sherman]

Sherman, why don’t you tell us about your daughter?

Sherman Cole: Well, Tracy, [Cut to Sherman] my Rae Rae used to be so sweet. She was a straight-A student. The type of girl that couldn’t get enough of kidz bop.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: She sounds lovely.

[Cut to Sherman]

Sherman Cole: Then suddenly she started skipping class, talking back, cussing at strangers.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Oh, wow. Well, why don’t we get Rae Rae out here to explain her behavior? Rae Rae, come on out.

[Rae Rae walks in] [Audience booing] [There’s a tag in the screen that says ‘Rae Rae, wants to fight Taylor Swift’]

Rae Rae: Whatever! Whatever! Y’all don’t know me. Haters. Hate all you want. You don’t know me. Haters!

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby, please. [Sherman looks at Tracy] You see what I mean? The girl’s out of control.

Rae Rae: Don’t nobody in this audience [Cut to Rae Rae]know who I am or what I’m about. Y’all just mad because y’all booties smell like burnt bacon. You don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Let’s take some questions from the audience.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Hi, Rae Rae. My name’s Carla. I know you say we don’t know you.

[Cut to split screen of Carla at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: ‘Cause you don’t, bitch!

Carla: But something tells me you’re a gal who loves to learn.

Rae Rae: Okay, true.

Carla: But only when you feel you’re being challenged by a teacher or mentor you admire.

Rae Rae: You right.

Carla: Standardized tests aren’t your forte, but you work hard at them and excel.

Rae Rae: Yeah, that’s me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Yes. You know she got a 1450 on her pre SAT.

Rae Rae: Okay. So she knows one little thing about me. That doesn’t mean she knows me. [Cut to Rae Rae] And if I ever met Taylor Swift, I’m beating her ass.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: What’s your problem with Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: She’s the bitch.

[Cut to Tracy] [Audience booing]

Tracy: That’s wickedly insightful.

[Audience booing] [Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Y’all don’t know me. Don’t none of y’all know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Let’s go to the man with the fedora that’s way too small for his head.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Hey. Hi. My name is Marcus. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be you.

[Cut to split screen with Marcus at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: Thank you.

Marcus: But my guess is you’re a lot like me.

Rae Rae: Hell no!

Marcus: You know, the type of person who looks healthy but whose cardiovascular health is in shambles.

Rae Rae: Okay. So, we twins.

Marcus: Like you know exercise is important, but you have a hard time committing to it. And you tried corss-fit and loved it, but you left because it felt too culty.

[Audience clap]

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: That was pretty on point.

Rae Rae: No, no. Whatever. Whatever. That’s universal. And Marcus? Hey, Marcus? You just mad because your mama’s a hoe.

[Audience boonig]

Sherman Cole: Baby, that is not nice. Now, your mama was kind of a hoe too. These people just trying to help you.

Rae Rae: But they don’t know me.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Why don’t we hear from the lady with the bedazzled neck brace?

[Cut Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, it’s actually a thick choker. I just want to say this girl clearly loves Beyonce.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Who doesn’t?

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Okay. Well, in fairness, everybody loves Beyonce.

Heidi Gardner: But. But, but, but, she identifies more with Michele.

[Cut to split screen with Heidi at left and Rae Rae at right]

Rae Rae: I do.

Heidi Gardner: Because you know what it’s like to fall and get stepped on over by your friends.

[Rae Rae is going to cry]

Rae Rae: Damn, bitch. You just read me.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Baby girl, I did not know that you was out here struggling like that.

Rae Rae: Whatever, whatever. Everybody’s got a little Michelle in them.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Not me. I’m Beyonce to my core. Obviously we’ve got some deep rooted issues here. Why don’t we bring out our resident psychotherapist? She’s well versed in family conflicts because hers is falling apart. Please welcome Dr. Jill.

[Cut to everybody in stage. Dr. Jill joins them.]

Dr. Jill: Hi, Rae Rae. Full disclosure. I’m not actually a doctor. People just call me that because I play keyboards in a funk band.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t care what this woman has to say. I don’t know her.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: Well, actually you do know me because you swore at me in a Walmart parking lot.

Rae Rae: On Pico?

Dr. Jill: Yeah, that’s the one. I offered to help you with your anger issues. And we had a coffee and we became good friends.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: I don’t remember none of that.

[Cut to Dr. Jill.]

Dr. Jill: Yeah. We talked about your dad and how he smothered you.

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: I been smothering you? You could have just said something.

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill:

We cried together, actually, and you gave me the other half to your locket. Mine says ‘Sisters’.

[Cut to Rae Rae]

Rae Rae: Okay and mine says ‘For Life’. So? What’s your point?

[Cut to Dr. Jill]

Dr. Jill: My point is you still need to pay for the damages to my car. And since we’re here with your father I thought maybe—

[Cut to Sherman and Rae Rae]

Sherman Cole: Who, Me? No. I don’t know her.

Rae Rae: Yeah, he don’t know me.

Sherman Cole: Yeah, and we don’t know you.

Rae Rae: Yeah, lady, you don’t now us.

Sherman Cole: You don’t know us.

Rae Rae: You don’t know us. She don’t know us.

Sherman Cole: We don’t know you.

[Cut to Tracy]

Tracy: Wonderful. Maybe it’s time for a commercial break. And when we return we’ll talk to a woman who says she’s having pizza rat’s baby.

Meet the Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 20

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, I’m Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. [Cheers and applause] I hope you like my bangs. Something new I’m trying for the summer. With me today is the senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Overjoyed to be here.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator from Maine Susan Collins.

[Cut to Susan Collins]

Susan Collins: I’m here, and I have a lot to say. Unless someone else wants to speak.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And Senate Judiciary Chariman and the GOP’s latest badboy, Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsay Graham: I’m sorry, kids out there. But it is an f-ing honor, Chuck.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: Okay. This week President Trump has escalated his trade war with China. It’s estimated that this will coast the country $1.4 trillion in market value. Now, you all have opposed tariffs in the past. Do you all support the president’s Tariffs now some.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, Chuck, there’s a simple answer to that. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, but I’m asking you about China.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Yeah-huh. Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Let’s try Lindsey Graham. After opposing Tariffs for decades, why do you suddenly support them from president Trump?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  Chuck, listen. When you have a president who’s a financial genius and business Jesus like Donald Trump, you’ve just got to trust him. This man has lost 100 times more money than I’ve ever made.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: You’ve done a complete 180 on the president, even after calling him a jackass during the campaign?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Chuck, listen, I am a man of convictions and principles. Unless he can help me. And then it’s new Lindsey, who dis?

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, how does it make you feel to see the president just unilaterally doing what he wants?

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Chuck, I’ll be the first to admit that some of the things this administration is doing makes me want to shake my head vigorously and wag my finger once. Perhaps twice.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Which brings to us this week’s topic. What would it take for president Trump to lost your support? I’m going to give you guys some hypothetical scenarios and you tell me if any of them would be enough for the president to lose your support.

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Well, you just bring it on, Chuck, because if you think Susan Collins is a pushover, well, then you’ve got another–

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: All right, scenario one. Robert Mueller testifies before congress and says he believes Trump committed obstruction of justice. Do you still support him?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, we need a leader that’s willing to do what he’s got to do to win.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  That’s absolutely right. See, the best way to uphold the law is to be above it, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he says Trump colluded with the Russians?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Well, I’d have to write a strongly worded email and send it straight to my draft folder.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Next hypothetical. What if the president admits that he’s not as religious as he claims?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha. Well, if you don’t already know that, that’s kind of on you, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: He’s not even Christian. He’s Jewish.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Even better, that’s great for Isreal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: You know, I can think of another great man who was Jewish. Jesus Christ–

[Cut to everybody]

Susan Collins: [Interrupting] Sammy Davis Jr. What if you found out president Trump was a Muslim?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Muslim? Oh, just the thought of that makes me want to stress eat. [Takes a vegetable leaf out and takes a bite of it]

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. You listen, you wait just a minute, Chuck. What kind of Muslim are we talking about? Are we talking about like Dr. OZ?

[Cut to Chuck and Lindsey]

Chuck Todd:  I mean like Louis Farrakhan.

Lindsay Graham: But, do we still get those tax cuts?

Chuck Todd: You do.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. Well, then I guess it’s Salam Aleikhem brother president.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, next scenario. What if Donald Trump divorced his wife Melania?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Love can be a tricky thing.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And he leaves her for Stormy Daniels.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, that would actually make more sense because that’s a hot girl.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: How about Kathy Griffin?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Kooky redhead? I get it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he leaves her for Alexandria Ocasio Cortez?

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, no.

Lindsay Graham: That fool!

Susan Collins: That’s – No.

Chuck Todd: And he also pledges to love, honor and enact her green new deal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Now, that just crosses the line. There are some things you can’t forget.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So he would lose your support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: He would not.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: I would show up to the wedding but not before I mumbled a strong rebuke quietly into my lean cuisine.

Chuck Todd: Okay, what if the president gave you’re your personal cell phone number to thousands of strangers who then harassed you and sent death threats causing you to get rid of your phone?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, Chuck, I do have to disqualify myself because back in 2015 the president actually did that to me.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Yeah, I know. I was just seeing if you remember. Okay. Let’s say Trump open hand slaps you in the face. What would you say then?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Hareder, daddy.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, you support Roe V. Wade.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Yes, I sure do. Yeah. \

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if the president declared that life begins not at conception but at erection?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Oh, please. I have been a vocal champion of women’s rights for over 30 years. That would be the most outrageous, ridiculous thing that I’d ever—I’m definitely voting for it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So, there’s absolutely nothing president Trump could do to lose you support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: No, no. I wouldn’t say that. Let’s say hypothetically, he got gay married.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Yeah. To the leader of ISIS.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: And they had matching diapers fashioned out of the original constitution.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: That may be—who are we kidding? We’ll always be ride or die bitches.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: I guess there’s nothing left to say but—Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

War Zone Reporter | Season 44 Episode 19

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Arthur Wentzel… Beck Bennett

Brian… Mikey Day

Lieutenant… Adam Sandler

[Starts with CNN news intro]

Narrator: This is a CNN special report.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set]

Brooke Baldwin: Chaos in Tripoli this afternoon as multiple militias fight for control of the city. [Arthur Wentzel joins Brooke] Brooke Baldwin joined by former CIA analyst Arthur Wentzel.

Arthur Wentzel: Hello.

Brooke Baldwin: All satellite and internet communications in the region have been cut off but we were able to connect with our reporter in Tripoli via phone. [Cut to split screen. Brooke and Arthur are on the left side, Brian is on the right side] Brian, can you hear me?

Brian: Yes, hello, I’m here at the Mirador hotel with other journalists taking refuge from the war zone outside. [Cut to Brian] I apologize about the picture quality. I’m using a social streaming app on my phone that is somehow able to get through. [Sound of a blast]

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you there?

Arthur Wentzel: Sounded like some sort of explosion.

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you okay? Y

[Cut to Brian streaming with a Snapchat filter]

Brian: Yes, I am okay. That was a mortar round. There is a lot of activity immediately outside of the hotel. Is everyone okay? I won’t lie. I’m very scared right now.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you using Snapchat to connect with us?

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter]

Brian: I think so. Is there an issue with the video? I cannot see my screen. It was shattered as we fled our press convoy. Can you see me?

[Cut to split screen. Brooke and Arthur are on the left side, Brian is on the right side]

Arthur Wentzel: Yes, we can, and you look like, I want to say, Simon’s girlfriend from Alvin and the Chipmunks. It’s dumb, but I’m smiling.

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter]

Brian: Again, I’m sorry, I cannot see my screen. [Sound of breaking] Someone is trying to get into my room.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, do you know who’s trying to get into your room?

Arthur Wentzel: And do you know if those filters free with the app or do you have to pay?

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter. Now, he is a birthday raccoon.]

Brian: Soldiers with guns have entered my room. I’m unarmed. I’m an American journalist. American!

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we seem to have lost the feed. We hope Brian is okay. Arthur, now as an expert in this region, what do you make of what we just saw?

Arthur Wentzel: Well, I believe that was a meerkat but it could have been a lemur. Either way, that’s the best one I’ve seen.

Brooke Baldwin: I’m being told the feed is back. Brian?

[Cut to Brian with Lieutenant.]

Brian: Yes, hello, this is a lieutenant in the people’s militia. He has agreed to speak with us.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Lieutenant, what is your organization fighting for?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a rainbow filter.]

Lieutenant: Freedom! Wait, I can see on the TV I look silly.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Yes, and we apologize. But lieutenant, if you gained power, would you promise to hold open elections?

[Cut to Lieutenant with another filter]

Lieutenant: Oh, my god, look how weird I am. [laughing] Can you imagine if I looked like this? Ha-ha-ha! I look like old-timey doctor who comes to your house with a bag.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Arthur Wentzel: Ha-ha-ha. I was going to say Ellis Island Immigrant but I see what you mean by old-timey doctor.

Brooke Baldwin: This is serious.

Arthur Wentzel: But he looks funny.

Brooke Baldwin: Lieutenant, if I may ask, who is in charge of your Militia?

[Cut to Lieutenant with another filter]

Lieutenant: Wait, wait. Our leader is here right now. Would you like to speak to her?

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Very much, yes, ma’am? Ma’am, are you there? Ma’am?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a girl filter]

Lieutenant: [In a woman’s voice] Hi, do you like my hair? Do you like my makeup?

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Arthur Wentzel: Hubba hubba.

[Cut to Lieutenant with a rabbit filter]

Lieutenant: I must go. But to the world I say this. Blood will never stop flowing until our people are free. Ha-ha! Funny dance! [Sound of explosion]

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Sounds like the fighting is close.

Arthur Wentzel: Yes, he’d better hop to it.

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you still there?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a hotdog filter]

Brian: Uh, yes. The fighting is in the hotel now. Soldiers are moving us to a new location. I’m unclear where I am going. Oh, my god, that’s a dead body. Kids, if you want to be a journalist, this is what it looks like. Brian Makins, live in Tripoli.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Stay safe, Brian. That was some brave reporting, plain and simple.

Arthur Wentzel: Not plain. He had mustard.

Brooke Baldwin: Go! Go! We’ll be right back. Out.

[Ends with CNN outro]

Family Feud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 19

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Thor… Alex Moffat

Thanos… Beck Bennett

Okoye… Ego Nwodim

Groot… Leslie Jones

Brienne… Kate McKinnon

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Melisandre… Cecily Strong

Bran… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with C-SPAN show intro]

Narrator: You’re watching C-SPAN. Normally we would have shown you footage from Attorney General William Barr’s congressional testimony but Barr decided not to show up. And then the democrats chose to do some light prop comedy with a bucket of chicken. The whole thing was so depressing that we’d rather focus on the two things all American’s can get behind. ‘Game Of Thrones’ and ‘Avengers’.

[Cut to Family Feud set]

Announcer: It’s Family Feud and here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Yes, indeed. All right. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. I am Steve of house mustache. Today we got ‘The Avengers’ versus ‘Game Of Thrones’. All right. Let’s start with the Avengers because this show is just like their movies. We’re gonna open with 45 minute of introductions. All right. First of, the sexiest man in the Renaissance fair, its Thor.

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: Good day, Steve. It’s good to be handsome. I’m a god and I’m from space.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you’re a scientologist? Okay, next, we got swole grimace is Thanos.

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: Yes. I want my big fancy glove. [Shows his gauntlet] Does it make me look pretty?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I don’t want to burst your bubble but I saw that thing on QVC. All right. Next, she a warrior from Wakanda. It’s okay-doky.

[Cut to Okoye]

Okoye: My name is Okoye. It is truly an honor to be here fighting an epic battle that is the feud of families.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Mm, mm, mm. Bald is beautiful. Girl, you make a good dog want to break it’s chain. All right. finally, who we got down there on the end there?

[Cut to Groot]

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: I feel like you can look at that poster and just know that’s wrong. All right, let’s go to the Game of Thrones side. I got to be honest, I didn’t see the last episode. I mean, I watched it but I couldn’t see it. You know it’s dark when you can’t even see the white people. All right. First up, lady Brienne of Tarth.

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: Actually, sir Brienne. I don’t if you saw, but I was recently knighted. Not that I care but it was like the highest honor of my life. I even allowed myself to smile.[Brienne smiles]

[Tormund Giantsbane joins Brienne]

Tormund Giantbane: Isn’t she a snack.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, damn. Who are you?

[Cut to Tormund Giantsbane]

Tormund Giantsbane: I’m Tormund Giantsbane. I killed a giant, crawled into bed with his wife and drank her milk. She thought I was a baby. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Okay, playa. I like the big girls too. All right. Next, we got a thousand year old witch, Melisandre.

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: Hello, Steve. This show is dark and full of terrors.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: You sound like my agent. Are you really a thousand years old? How come you look so good?

[Cut top Melisandre]

Melisandre: [Looks sideways] Maybe it’s magic. [Melisandre smiles][Bumper sound “maybe it’s Maybelline” plays]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: No, it’s definitely magic. Girl, you take that necklace off or you’re gonna turn into old lady. But I know how it is. I take off this shirt and I just pummel out into a poop emoji. And finally, every family got that weird brother. This is Bran.

[Cut to Bran]

Bran Stark: Hello, Steve. I have to go now. [Bran starts to use his warg power]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve Harvey: Woo, somebody got that good weed. All right. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Cut to everybody getting ready for the game]

[Brienne and Thos walks to the stage with Steve]

Brienne: Greetings.

Thor: Tarth, good on ya.

Steve Harvey: All right. Top six answers on the board. After ten years, both your franchises are coming to an end. Name something you might put on your bucket list. [Breinne presses the button] Brienne?

Brienne: I don’t need a lot, I’m a low maintenance girl. Armour, short hair– I don’t know. [Cut to Brienne] Jamie Lannister, one night, three hands, no rules. [Brienne smiles]

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Trying to creep with your freakin’ friends.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Okay, not up there. [Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor] Over to Thor. What’s on your bucket list. Playboy?

[Cut to Thor]

Thor: I must reforge the rainbow bridge, the shining city of Valhalla.

[Cut to Brienne, Steve and Thor]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me some kind of white nonsense.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Okay, all right.

[Steve walks to team Avengers]

Team Avengers, you’re on the board. Let’s go over to Thanos. What’s on your bucket list?

[Cut to Thanos]

Thanos: I’ve already collected all the infinity stones. So I guess all that’s left is get off the HGH.

[Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos]

Steve Harvey: I knew there was something going on. You got that Berry Bond’s chin. Show me too old to be that jacked.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not there. [Cut to Steve, Thor and Thanos] All right. Let’s go over Okra. What’s on your bucket list?

Okoye: Steve, [Cut to Okoye] it’s Okoye. I am a Dora Milaje warrior. But just one day I would like to put on a pair of sweatpants, eat a cheesy gordita crunch and watch eight hours of Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Beach Club’.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye]

Steve Harvey: Okay, then. Show me how Okra got her groove back.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, it’s not that either. [Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos and Okoye] All right. One strike left. Let’s go over here to the giving tree or whoever this is. Give me something on your bucket list.

[Cut to Groot[

Groot: Bitch, I’m Groot.

[Cut to Steve, Thor, Thanos, Okoye and Groot]

Steve Harvey: Just cause you say it don’t make it true. Show me middle aged lady in a Halloween costume.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Wrong answer’ buzzer plays.]

Oh, man, that’s three. [Steve Harvey walks to team Game of Thrones] All right, Game of Thrones. Your chance to steal. What’s on your bucket list? Give me some answers.

[Cut to Steve and team Game of Thrones]

Bran Stark: Move my face.

Melisandre: See my old boobies.

Tormund Giantsbane: Big girl.

Steve Harvey: All right. Brienne, what’s it gonna be, player?

[Cut to Brienne]

Brienne: They’re all noble answers but none are invincible. I do fear that the feud is lost.

[Arya Stark joins]

Arya Stark: Not today. It’s I, Arya Stark.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Right on time again. What’s on your bucket list?

Arya Stark: Well, Steve, [Cut to Brienne and Arya] as the battle approaches and you stand to an endless night, there is but one thing a girl must do.

[Cut to Brienne, Arya and Steve]

Steve Harvey: Oh, say no more. I saw what you did in that episode. Show me, getting that booty.

[Cut to the game screen. ‘Right answer’ ring plays.]

Oh, number one answer, [Cut to Steve] all right. Let’s take a break. Stay tuned for a post credit scene where me and Black Panther sings the songs of Jodeci.

[Everybody joins]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The View: Jenny McCarthy on Vaccines – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Whoopi Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joy Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Megan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Jenny McCarthy… Emma Stone

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Let’s get ready to rumble.

[Cut to everybody in The View set]

Whoopi Goldberg: Hello, hello, hello. This is The View. [Cut to Whoopi] I’m Whoopi Goldberg and I’m as surprised as you that this show is a fit for me. Later we’ll be talking toes, why so nasty? But up first, today’s hot topics, President Trump tweeted that he is considering dumping illegal immigrants into sanctuary cities. Are these the type of policies we can look forward to now that Kirstjen Nielsen is out? [Cut to Whoopi and Abby] Abby Huntsman, we’ll start with you.

Abby Huntsman: [Cut to Abby] You want to start with me? Okay. Homeland Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen will always be known as the lady who puts kids in cages. And as a human mother, I don’t like that. But as a conservative daughter, I got to ask, why are we ignoring the weird ‘J’ in Kirstjen’s name? And what else is she hiding? Oops! Did I talk too long, Whoopi?

[Cut to Whoopi and Abby]

Whoopi Goldberg: You did good. You did good, baby.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Is it my turn? Oh, yeah. Hot tick alert. I don’t like Trump. Trump, Trump, what a chump. Trump, Trump, what a dump. Okay, look, it’s my 2000th show. At this point I get paid by the word.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Mr. Trump, what are you doing to families at the border? It is shameful. It is nasty. It is broccoli in the microwave. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see it because it is shameful. It is nasty. It is—oh, no. I got stuck in a loop. Sorry.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can I just say something as the princess of Arizona? There is a crisis at the border, and the border is right up in my Arizona, which was founded on sunburnt women selling turquoise jewelry, not rando Mexicans. And that’s not racist because my make up artist is gay.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Okay. This is the problem, you’re demonizing entire countries full of nice people.

[Cut to Joy and Megan]

Megan McCain: Okay, I did not say that.

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me talk?

Joy Behar: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me talk because it’s actually your job to listen to me.

[Cut to Joy. She is angry. The lights are focused on her][Dramatic music plays]

[Cut to Megal peeking at her]

[Cut to Abby looking at them with a pack of popcorn]

[Cut to Ana taking a video of them with her cell phone]

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, okay. Okay, stop it. [Cut to everybody] We not going to do this. This is the ‘The View’. We are five best friends with nothing in common.

Abby Huntsman: Okay. We need to reset. Everybody close your eyes. Now open them. Paul Rudd is 50. What?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: If Paul Rudd’s 50, I’m dead.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: Paul Rudd looks so young because he’s a good person. This is Paul Rudd at 50. [Cut to a picture of Paul Rudd] [Cut to Ana] And this is Steven Miller as a baby. [cut to picture of a baby body with Steven Miller’s face] [Cut to Ana] He will eat you from the inside.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Absolutely.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Our guest today is the vixen of anti-vax. Please welcome former ‘View’ co-host Jenny McCarthy.

[Cut to Jenny entering the stage from a door][Music playing]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, my god. [Jenny sits on her chair]

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: Welcome back, Jenny.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Oh, it’s good to be back, Whoop. Do you still do that thing where you kick each other under the table?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: No.

Jenny McCarthy: Ow. [Looks at Joy]

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: So, Jenny, you’ve been at the forefront of the anti-vaccination movement for years. But what was the tea on the mast singer? Did you know that the pineapple was Tommy Chong?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: No. I actually thought it was Barack Obama.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Ana Navarro: Okay. Back to the anti-vax thing.

Jenny McCarthy: Yes. [Cut to Jenny] I don’t believe in vaccinations. My doctor is Google. My science is twitter, and my religion is Donny Wahlberg.

[Cut to Ana and Megan]

Megan McCain: Amen, sister.

Jenny McCarthy: I mean [Cut to Jenny] these vaccinations are so unnecessary like the polio vaccine. How many people do you know with polio?

[Cut to Joy and Jenny]

Joy Behar: None, because we get vaccinated.

Jenny McCarthy: And that’s your opinion.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: But what about the measles outbreak? I mean you have to vaccinate your kids.

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: Well, I think reddit would disagree, and that’s why I’m organizing a rally against measles with all the people who aren’t vaccinated, hundreds of us in a big group, marching down the center of the city.

[Cut to Whoopi acting concerned]

Whoopi Goldberg: Okay. When exactly is that?

[Cut to Jenny]

Jenny McCarthy: That’s the weekend.

[Cut to Whoopi]

Whoopi Goldberg: I will be out of town.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: But what the left fails to understand is that vaccinations are a personal liberty issue.

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Okay. Great, let them go extinct.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can you let me talk?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan McCain: Well, can you let me finish?

[Cut to Joy]

Joy Behar: Can I punch you in the face?

[Cut to Whoopi water spraying them]

Whoopi Goldberg: No, no, no. We’ll be back. This is The View. No.

[Ends with an outro]