Tag: Cecily Strong

Cut for Time New Play

Kenan Thompson

Billy Bethwerk … Kyle Mooney

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Cecily Strong

Jameson … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Evolve Rehearsal Studios]

Kenan Thompson: All right. [Cut to the rehearsal] Welcome everybody to the first day of rehearsal for a Shout Unscreamed. [Cut to Kenan and Billy] The wonderful new play by the brilliant and prolific Billy Bethwerk.

Billy Bethwerk: Thank you. This one is very personal to me . I dropped it several times. But the main character wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept talking to my head in my dreams until she forced her way on to the page. I’m excited to share her with the world now, as it were.

Kenan Thompson: Okay. Are you done?

Billy Bethwerk: Um, yeah. For now.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: It is such a great play man. Roles like this don’t come on and get off. I could cry right now but I’m going to save it for acting.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, it’s really– it really is exquisite writing. It’s just so full and rich.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Yes, I just want to dive right in. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Phoebe Waller-Bridge] Because I think the world is hungry for this kind of art and while it not be a meal that will go down easy, it is an important and crucial meal.

Cecily Strong: Like breakfast, or really any of the three main ones.

[Laughter]

[Cut to Kenan and Billy]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Well, let’s begin, shall we? And again, it’s our first rehearsal. [Cut to everybody  standing up] So, let’s just get it on it’s feet and see how it feels. All right? Okay. Small suburban home in Nebraska, Emma Thirdy is at the sake. Her husband Tod, Thirdy’s white, and her sister Claire, Thirdy’s woman, watch from the doorway.

Jameson: Emma, please look at me. I know you’re mad at your sister but she’s here because she cares about you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: [Speaking with strong accent] Oh please, think clear. [indistinct] after my baby’s mother and husband’s wife.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks near Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Might I remind you your [indistinct] somebody had to keep carrying your baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]And you remind me that [indistinct] die.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]You wet yourself, girl.

[Cut to Kenan very confused]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, that was so good. I just want to ask some questions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, all these characters are from same place, right?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, you know, actually I’m glad this came up and I hate doing this as a fellow actor but he’s not doing a Nebraskan accent. And it’s supposed to be Nebraska, right?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is there a reason you’re not doing it? You saving us or something? Because to me personally would really help if we all sounded the same.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, everybody should sound the same. Like kind of closer to what Jameson is doing.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, I’m actually from Nebraska.

Cecily Strong: Really? [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] That sounds strange in my ear, but if that’s what you want.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: We’ll just match what he’s doing.

Cecily Strong: Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Great! All right. Claire pushes Tod aside and gets in Emma’s face.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] Emma, the one who call you [indistinct] murder, he was the judge. You even remember that day or you too high or meth?

Jameson: Hey, come on! The baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]Hey dirty, you bitch. [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] Emma, [indistinct] Claire scratches on the floor.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Are you crazy? She [indistinct] her.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, let’s stop.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What? Because it’s getting quite intense?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, no, no. That’s not why. You were both starting to reach the stage directions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Are you talking about the Italian in the brackets?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: The Italics? Yes. Yes. That’s what you don’t read.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: At all?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Not even in our heads?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: In your head is fine I guess. You know what? I’m still having a tiny issue with the accents.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Whose?

Cecily Strong: His?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Your’s.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh my god. You know what? I’m realizing, I think what we’ve done is we’ve confused Nebraska with Alaska because Nebraska is down here and Alaska is up here.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh! We could also just do like standard mid-west. Like, anybody got an extra long cigarette? Typical mid-west girl, I’m always dying for a smoke.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: That sounded a little Australian.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, no, no. That was mid-west.

[Cut to Billy and Kenan]

Billy Bethwerk: Oh my god, this is not going to work. Is this what they did in their audition?

Kenan Thompson: No. I did not make them audition ass. They are established actresses in the UK. British actors are having a moment right now and honestly they beige me. I think that we can salvage this.

Billy Bethwerk: How? We only have eight weeks.

[Cut to the show’s play board]

[Cut to the play]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] We all would be bitter off if you had died [indistinct].

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]There [indistinct] is finally [inaudible 00:04:33] .

[Jameson runs into the play]

Jameson: [Speaking in strong accent] What my dear? [indistinct] house on fire?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] [indistinct]

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders. 

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

Roadside Museum – SNL

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Joanne Batting … Cecily STrong

Reese … Woody Harrelson

Linette … Aidy Bryant

P Ryan … Mikey Day

Huntington Booth … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Sun’s Out Nevada intro]

Announcer: You’re tuned in to Sun’s Out Nevada. Thank you, guys.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Kyle Mooney in their set]

Heidi Gardner: Welcome back. Weather and traffic are just ahead. Spoiler alert – there’s neither.

Kyle Mooney: And later, author Dav Pilkey joins us to chat about his new children’s book, “Captain Underpants: Rise of Hershey Squirt”. Excited to pick his brain.

Heidi Gardner: But first, time for “Jo on the Go” with our roving reporter Joanne Batting who live on interstate 15 with her yummiest scoop yet.

[Cut to Joanne Batting]

Joanne Batting: Thanks, guys. Well, in between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, a new attraction will offer road trippers a cheesy photo op. The world’s biggest Cheeto Museum has it’s grand opening today. And I am here now with the proud owners, the hotter family.

[Hotter family joins Joanne Batting]

Reese, Linette, and their son P Ryan. Congrats on your big day. Now Reese, you first had the idea for all this five years ago. How does it feel to look at that gigantic Cheeto today? Besides hungry.

[Reese laughing]

Reese: Well, you’re quick. That’s why you’re on TV and I own the Cheeto. Anyway, it’s a dream come true. It took a lot of work. And our entire savings to buy the Cheeto and build the museum. But today I think it’s safe to say it was worth it. Right, sweetheart?

Linette: Sure.

Joanne Batting: Lynette, are you as excited as your husband?

Linette: No.

Joanne Batting: Now, P. Ryan, I got to ask. How do you keep from eating this thing?

P Ryan: I actually get that question a lot. And I always say, you know, I wonder if they ask people who work at the Louvre if they want to eat the Mona Lisa. You know?

Joanne Batting: Well, no, because it’s a painting and not a giant Cheeto.

P Ryan: Right. Yeah. But it’s kind of the same thing.

Joanne Batting: It’s not. But later on, the Cheeto will be measured by this judge [Huntington Booth joins Joanne Batting] from the Guinness book of world records, Mr. Huntington Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Huntington Booth. And I must say this Cheeto is spectacular. I once saw a 40 foot hot dog that took my breath away. And I am getting a very similar feeling from Cheeto.

Joanne Batting: Exciting stuff. Okay, we’ll see you soon for the official measurement, Mr. Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Booth.

[Huntington Booth storms out]

Joanne Batting: Well, it’s almost 9 o’clock. Is it time to officially open the museum for the fist time?

Reese: It sure is. Oh, boy. Son, you want to turn on the fan?

P Ryan: Yes. All right. Fans are on, dad.

Reese: Ladies and germs, the world’s biggest Cheeto museum is officially open for business. God bless you, Cheeto. I love you. Whoo!

[The giant cheeto bursts out because it fell into the fan]

[The screen is smoky because of cheetos dust]

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Uh, a little hiccup over at the world’s biggest Cheeto museum.

Heidi Gardner: Everything okay there, Joe?

[Cut to Joanne and Hotter family]

Joanne Batting: Yeah, everyone’s okay. Except for the cheeto which fell into the fan. Well, we were supposed to take the Guinness world record measurement here. That still happening?

[Moving to Huntington Booth]

Huntington Booth: No.

Joanne Batting: Right! Well, not the best grand opening. How you doing Reese?

Reese: Bad.

Joanne Batting: Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of backup plan?

Reese: No, we were all in the Cheeto.

P Ryan: I just want to say that all new businesses go through growing pains and I actually think this Cheeto can be fixed.

Joanne Batting: Well, it can’t.

P Ryan: I still think people will come on down.

Joanne Batting: They will not. Now, Lynette, what’s next for you?

Linette: Divorce.

Joanne Batting: Makes sense. I would do the same. We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Sun’s Out Nevada outro]

Inside the Beltway – SNL

Denise Craw … Aidy Bryant

Walter Dale… Woody Harrelson

Connie Brasheres … Cecily Strong

Quincy Maddox … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Inside the Beltway intro]

[Cut to Denise Craw in her set]

Denise Craw: Good morning and welcome to Inside The Beltway where we look at what’s happening up in Washington. I’m Denise Craw. Joining me as always are [Cut to Walter Dale] Walter Dale from the Forth Worth Star. From the Dallas Morning News, [Cut to Connie Brasheres] Connie Brasheres. And the chair of [Cut to Quincy Maddox] African-American Studies at Rice University, Quincy Maddox. Wow, [Cut to everybody] it’s been a historic week as the house launched an impeachment inquiry into the president. [Cut to Denise Craw] It’s really shaking Washington up. Hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Waler Dale: It sure has. I’ve got to say, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s gratifying to see our system of checks and balances finally working the way it intended.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Hey.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: Quincy, come on. You have to admit there’s something about this Ukraine story.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s amazing. The American people seem to understand the gravity of it right away.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Yeah. I see that. But ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, I don’t know. It actually seems the president is in real trouble here.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Yeah, you know, Ukraine is likely to be one of many reasons cited in the articles of impeachment. I mean, this is not his first offense. Okay? I mean, remember what happened five months ago. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper]

[Cut to a woman giving her speech]

Woman: We believe that no one above the law, including the president of the United States. And we believe that the president of the United States is engaged in a cover-up.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And there you have it. The full Mueller report is out, and it cites ten instances of obstruction. It’s really shaken Washington up, hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: It has. You know, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Qunicy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Okay. Wow, I forgot about that last part. But we all must acknowledge that the Mueller report is but one stain on an already tarnished presidency.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: I mean, there’s also the Genueflecting to murderous dictators.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Word.

Connie Brasheres: Calling white supremacists very fine people.

Quincy Maddox: Come on.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And lying about hush money to cover up an affair. For real? What an adult film star.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, damn!

Walter Dale: And this new story about Trump telling the Russians he didn’t care about election interference.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Well, if that’s true – ain’t nothing gonna happen.

Walter Dale: Quincy, please. This Ukraine episode is a clear a violation of the oath of office, and there are transcripts.

Quincy Maddox: Uh-oh. Here come the transcripts. Because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s reading.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: And keep in mind, impeachment gives congress more powers than they previously had. Adam Schiff says, and I quote, “The big club has been brought out”.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Adam “The Hammer” Schiff said that? Well, that’s all you had to say.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Quincy, you know how this works. It happened in Watergate. It can happen again. First they send out the subpoenas.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox listening to Walter eating popcorn]

Then there’s hearings. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy, stop.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: No, no, no. Tell me what’s next.

Walter Dale: Please put down the popcorn.

Quincy Maddox: Okay.

Walter Dale: Thank you. Now, and don’t forget about this whistle-blower who has agreed to testify before congress.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: A whistle-blower? Oh, he going to go missing.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: What?

Quincy Maddox: Nothing.

Walter Dale: Well, unlike you, I have faith in the process. The system might take a while, but it is working.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, it’s working. For Trump. ‘Cause ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Well, Mr. Maddox, in life sometimes people surprise us. Okay? And I think it’s possible that some republicans are about to have a moment of moral clarity.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, you do, do you? Now, let’s roll that clip from 2016.

Denise Craw: Okay. I’m the host.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper]

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] He’s a war hero ‘cause he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured. Okay? I hate to say. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] You ought to see this guy. “Oh, I don’t know what to say. Ah!” Grab them by the (beep). You can do anything.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Wow, just appalling. I don’t think I’ve heard any man talk like that.

[Cut to everybody]

Walter Dale: It’s revolting. It feels like a real turning point in the Trump candidacy.

Quincy Maddox: Mm-hmm. He gonna win.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: But I believe – I believe that the arc – I believe that the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Hear, hear.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: Well said, Denise.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Well said. Indeed, he gonna win again.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Go to commercial. Go to commercial.

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House]

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone]

[Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.]

[Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.

Downton Abbey Trailer – SNL

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man riding a motorcycle towards a castle.]

Mikey Day: Is this Downton Abbey?

Beck Bennett: Yes.

Mikey Day: A letter.

[Beck Bennett opens the letter and gets shocked]

Beck Bennett: Wow.

[Cut to Alex Moffat reading the letter]

Alex Moffat: The kind and queen are coming Downtown.

Cecily Strong: Here? But this is a castle.

Kate McKinnon: Well, we’ll never pull this off.

Narrator: The beloved television show is now a feature film. And it’s mostly cleaning.

Beck Bennett: We only have 80 servants. Butlers, underbutlers and valets. It’ll never get done in time.

Aidy Bryant: How long do we have?

Beck Bennett: A year and a half.

Narrator: Were the stakes in the show always this low? I guess they were.

Woman: Your hair is so modern.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Woman: Yes. “Exciting for the people who like the show”, raves the “Boston Globe”.

Bowen Yang: Miss, we found mud.

Cecily Strong: Where?

Bowen Yang: At the bottom of the lake.

Alex Moffat: Good. That’s where mud goes.

Narrator: “I absolutely love this film”, say all moms.

Cecily Strong: I need your help.

Beck Bennett: No–

Cecily Strong: Hah?

Beck Bennett: Problem.

Narrator: “So soothing I was on the back of my seat”.

Aidy Bryant: We’ll serve bread. Long breads. Butter. Chicken meat. Slurpers. Nibbles. Little bad cakes. Twice murdered pigs. And of course Chicago style deep dish pizza.

Narrator: “Feels like watching the sun set on white people as a whole”.

Woman: I’m happy.

Cecily Strong: Blimey.

Beck Bennett: Blimey.

Alex Moffat: Your majesties. Welcome to Downton Abbey.

Narrator: This has been an ad for ‘The Joker’. It’s not perfect but at least stuff happens. In theatres now.

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

[Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

[Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

[Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

[Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]

Weekend Update Jeanine Pirro on Her Fox News Suspension | Season 44 Episode 21

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Fox News host Jeanine Pirro has lost up to 20% of her advertisers since making controversial comments about a Muslim congresswoman. Here to comment is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to Jeaning Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, I’m judge Jeanine Pirro, and I just want to thank the brave sponsors who stuck with me despite the accusations by the radical Looney left.  To companies like Jeep I say thank you. And to Mitsubishi I say, Domo Arigato, Cobra Kai. Sorry Daniel-San, so wax off.

[Jeanine is showing kung-fu stances]

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: I just want to tell you. You don’t have to be so loud, I can hear you.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, no can do, bud.

[Cut to Jeanine]

20 years ago I yelled at a waiter because my cobb salad had a cranberry in it. And now I’m locked at this volume every day for the rest of my life.

[Cut to Jeaning and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, It’s rumored that Fox has only kept you on the air because Donald Trump personally called the network on your behalf.

[Cut to Jeanine]

Jeanine Pirro: Yes, that is because Donald Trump is a class act. He is the Michael Jordan of presidents and the Wesley Snipes of Taxes. He’s a win in the boardroom. And sometimes wizzes a little in bedroom.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]
Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I hate to ask this, but have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin, please! [Cut to Jeanine] I haven’t been drinking. [Jeaning takes out her Bloody Mary glass] I currently am drinking. I vow to enjoy a drink every time President Trump ignores a congressional subpoena. And let me tell, mama is a lizard.

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right, well, despite Trump’s stonewalling, it’s likely Robert Mueller will testify before congress.

[Jeanine spits all the Bloody Mary over Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin, look. That’s a terrible idea. The report is done. Senor Mueller has spoken and he said no Hablo collusion man.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m going to let you finish this next sip before I say this.

Jeanine Pirro: Okay.

Colin Jost: Okay. The democrats could make him testify if they start impeachment proceedings.

[Jeanine throws the Bloody Mary off the glass on Colin’s face]

Jeanine Pirro: What? Colin Jessica Jost, impeachment would be crazy. Okay? That is the last resort of the Loopy Loco left who hate this president and his stick mac daddy energy.

Colin Jost: What the hell are you talking about? I don’t think that’s the case because– and I’m glad that your drink is gone–

Jeanine Pirro: It’s Bloody Mary.

[Cut to Jeanine, Colin and Michael.]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your drink is gone.

[Michael gives Jeanine another glass of Bloody Mary]

Michael Che: I got an extra one.

Colin Jost: No! No! Why would you do that?

[Cut to Jeanine and Colin.]

Why would you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, thank you, Kenan. Wonderful. What a nice guy. Funny, too.

Colin Jost: So, I’m just going to ask this now. So, by ignoring the subpoenas, and I’m just going to hold your arm for this part, [Colin hold’s Jeanine’s hand] by ignoring the subpoenas, Trump might actually give democrats more reason to impeach.

[Jeanine throws the bloody Mary off the glass on her other hand on Colin’s face.]

Jeanine Pirro: What! No! No! Colin!

Colin Jost: I’m so wet. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman:  Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish]

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow]

[Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]

Ouija | Season 44 Episode 21

Dad… Paul Rudd

Christine… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.]

[Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]

Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.

Christine: Okay, bye, dad.

Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.

[Dad leaves the room]

Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.

[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]

Samantha:  Ooh, cool. Ouija board.

Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.

Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.

[Thunder sounds]

[Smoke begins to come out of nowhere]

[A demon comes out of the smoke]

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.

Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?

[The girls get shy]

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!

Samantha: Demon, thank you.

Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.

Girls: Pizza!

Aidy Bryant: Totally.

Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.

[Cut to everybody]

[Dad enters the room]

Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.

[Dad leaves]

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dads.

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

[Cut to the girls]

Samantha: What are you even talking about?

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–

Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.

[Bealthor leaves the room]

[Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]

Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?

[Cut to everybody]

[Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]

Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.

Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.

[Bealthor enters the room]

Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.

[Bealthor walks to the door]

Dad: Bealthor, wait.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

Bealthor: Really?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes!

Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?

Everybody: Me!