Tag: Cecily Strong

Sara Lee

Jake… Bowen Yang

Dylan… Harry Styles

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of Sara Lee building]

Dylan: You called me in?

[Cut to the office]

Jake: Hi there, Dylan, have a seat.

Cecily: Dillan, I was just telling Santino—

Jake: Oh, it’s Jake.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, I’m sorry. I was telling him about your work managing the company Instagram here at Sara Lee.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. And I love representing the brand. People love bread content.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: Yeah, that’s a actually why we brought you in today. Since we flagged some activity on the account that has been a little off message.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh. I don’t think so.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, for example, why did Sara Lee comment on this picture [Cut to the Instagram picture of Nick Jonas] of Nick Jonas saying, “Wreck me daddy”? And then comment a month later again with “Destroy me king.”

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh, I see what happened. I’ve been mixing up the Sara Lee Instagram with my personal Instagram account?

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Mm-hmm, we figured. And Sara Lee has also been obsessed with this random guy with only 200 followers.

Jake: For him, Sara Lee commented [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] with a few egg plants, water drops, a train and a ghost emoji.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And that’s a reference to—

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Getting railed to death. Yes.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: See, the worst part is this guy didn’t even like Sara Lee’s comment. And that’s really bad for the brand.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I didn’t notice.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, I think you did. Because three hours later [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] Sara Lee commented, “Shy no response?”

Jake: Again, really bad for the brand.

Cecily: If Nick Jonas won’t like Sara Lee’s comment, fine. But some random fashion twink?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. Sara Lee’s feelings were hurt by that. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, the other component to this is you’ve been captioning the company’s images with your own voice too.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: Here’s this one.

Cecily: So you should have written something like, [Cut to Cecily and Jake] “Sara Lee fact. Our Texas toast is part of delicious grilled cheese.”

Jake: But what Sara Lee actually captioned was, “Feeling really depressed after threesome. What was supposed to be a fantasy ended up more rejection. Must get rid of Toxic in community.”

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And were there typos in that?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I don’t think so. But Sara Lee wrote that at 4 in the morning while he was still on Poppers High.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And was that also the case for this photo of our cheesecake?

Jake: How about you read this one.

Dylan: “A little moody after being used. Why do guys freak out when I ask them to spit in my mouth? Need a real king that can handle. It’s 8 am and I have to go to hell job Sara Lee. Little in my head after another threesome.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: We think it would be healthy if Sara Lee stopped having threesomes.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I know. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: You keep telling us it’s okay, but it really, really isn’t.

Jake: Yeah, Dillan, I’m very disappointed. I passed down the Instagram to you because I thought it would be in good hands.

Cecily: Well, now that explains these posts from before Dylan started working here.

Jake: Oh! Oh, yes, I did write this, “Security downstairs stopped letting people into harness party at Sara Lee office. We have to do better. Must get rid of Toxic in the community.”

Cecily: Wow. Well, you’ve both done severe damage to Sara Lee’s image. So, this is your first warning.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Thank you. Full honesty, today Sara Lee DM’d Shawn Mendes saying “Check out my special holiday promotion.”

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: And what was that promotion?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: A picture of my open throat.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, second warning.

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe]

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

[Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody]

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony

Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium]

[Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “It’s my honor, I do this job for two reasons; one, I love my country, and two, belly rubs.”

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: I just wanted to ask, who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Are you my good little boy?

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “Seriously, with all due respect, I’m a trained military assassin, not some basic labradoodle.” That’s on you.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: You’re right, I apologize.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Dana Gram: “Apology accepted.” You, sir.

[Cut to Mikey in the audience]

Mikey: Yes, you were involved in a terrorist raid. Was that scary for you?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “A little, sure, but it could have been worse. The terrorists had guns and explosives but at least they don’t have vacuum cleaners.” Yes, you ma’am?

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: How does it feel to be getting all the credit for killing Baghdadi? Right.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “Honestly, it was team effort from day one. It’s been, “I sniff your ass, you sniff mine.”

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: And how has your life changed now that you’re a hero?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: What can I say? Honestly, I’m drowning in the bitches.” You ma’am.

[Cut to Ego in the audience]

Ego: What do you feel about the so-called whistle-blower in the white house?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “I think we need to find out who the whistle-blower is because that sound is driving him crazy.” Next question, please. Wait, actually I’m going to have a sip of water, [The dog drinks water using a glass] I think you, ma’am.

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: I was just on dog twitter and reading some stories about you. Any of them true?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: He says, “Okay, I should come clean about something. Ten years ago at a Halloween party, I dressed up as a cat. I did not mean to appropriate feline culture or put on cat face. I also apologize for last Halloween when I dressed as a chocolate lab.”

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Okay, but what about the video of you that’s just come out?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “Oh, right, there’s a video of me barking at a black mailman, but I swear it wasn’t a bout race. Because I don’t see color. Literally I’m color-blind. Oh, and every day for the past years, I’ve humped someone’s leg without consent. For that I apologize.”

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: If I could throw in a silly question, who do you think won Halloween?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “To me, Heidi Klum always wins Halloween but this year I have to go with Kylie Jenner, she became Marilyn. And speaking of costumes, what is the janky fake medal that the president put on my neck, it has a picture of a paw on it. What the hell is that? You don’t give humans a medal with a foot on it.” “Anyway, that’s my time, god bless America. Scooter, if you’re watching, daddy loves you, now go to bed. And the same goes for Pickle, Rocket, Billy, Shamrock.”

[Kyllyanne Conway walks in]

Kyllyanne Conway: Thank you so much, Conan. We also have a human that was involved in the raid.

[Chris walks in and stand beside the doe]

Does anyone have any questions for him?

[Cut to the reporters who are silent and have no questions.]

[Cut to the stage]

Chris: Okay, thank you for your time.

Kyllyanne Conway: Yes, and thank you, all of you. Now this dog has to go meet president Trump and then he has to testify against presidents Trump. He was on the Ukraine call too. Mmm-kay, good night.

Elizabeth Warren Town Hall Cold Open

Hostess… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a hostess speaking on the stage]

Hostess: Hello, Iowa. Thanks for coming out today. Now let’s give a big, warm, Iowa welcome to the lady of the hour and the next president of the United States, maybe, senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cheers and applause]

[Elizabeth Warren walk in the stage and hugs the hostess.]

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! Woo! Yeah. Yeah. Hello. It is good to be here. Look at me, I am in my natural habitat. A public school on the weekend. And I just had the nature valley bar in the hallway so I’m jacked up and ready to pop off. First, I would like to pout one out to Beto O’Rourke for dropping out of the race. Thank you so much for running a great campaign and sticking around long enough to call me punitive. That was so bad ass. Let me now how death tastes, all right? And congratulations to Donald Trump for paying less taxes by moving to Florida, or as he calls it, bringing his talents to south beach. You know where I pay taxes? Every single state, out of principle. So Donald, don’t stand too close to an orange tree or someone might try to pick your head. I’m feeling stanky. Alright, we’re fighting. Who’s got a question? Who’s got a question?

[Cut to Cecily in the audeince]

Cecily: Hi, I work for Kamala Harris’ campaign. But I’m still undecided. I’d like to know, why did it take so long for you to release your plan to pay for medicare for all?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Thank you for bringing up health care, that is my desposito. You know, in the last few years. The number one reason families went bankrupt was because of health care costs, even the people who had insurance. It’s a tricky little corn maze. But when Bernie was talking medicare for all, everybody was like, “Oh, cool.” And then they turned to me and they were like, “Fix it, mom.” And I’ll do it, ‘cause that’s what moms do. With dad, you eat birthday cake for breakfast and then you go to six flags and then I hold your hand while you throw up in my purse. Daddy takes you to see “Boogie Nights” when you’re ten. I provide the long, tender follow up explanations about sex and whether Mark Wahlberg’s penis is a realistic length. It ain’t fun. But I will do it. And, next question. Thank you.

[Cut to Alex in the audience]

Alex: Hi, I’m an aspiring billionaire and current stay at home stepdad. You’re pulling ahead of Biden. How does your plan compare to his?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you. Thank you for your question. My plan compares favorably in that it exists. Nobody—Nobody asks Biden how to pay for stuff ‘cause his plans are so vague. Nobody asks how we’re going to pay for remember Obama. Biden—Biden doesn’t even know how to pay for stuff. He just puts down a $50 bill on the Amtrak dining car every few months. Okay, so here’s my plan. Take a look at this. Okay. So, first off, we’re going to cut military spending. So, immediately dead in the water. Two, Jeff Bezos will go from paying no tax to a tax. Mr. Bezos, the government is a little like Amazon Prime. To reap the benefits, you’ve got to pay an annual fee and that’s called taxes. And unlike you, we can’t just take it out on your debit care without warning. And third, okay? Banks, I’m going to tax the banks. Duh. What did you think I was going to do? Hold up a gas station? They’re going to pay for it and not one penny from the middle class. All we got to do is convince JP Morgan to operate like a nonprofit. Okay, next question. Next question.

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Hi, sorry, I have a follow-up ’cause I’m annoying. You said your plan would cost $20.5 trillion but other economists have said it could cost $34 trillion.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Okay, let me stop you right there. Now we’re talking trillions. So, when the numbers are this big, they’re just pretend. They ain’t no Scrooge McDuck Vault somewhere. You ready to get red pealed? Money doesn’t exist. It’s just a promise from a computer. You might as well say it was cost 13-non-jillion-over-12-detan. Alright, next!

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Sorry, senator, I’m going to see the math on that.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah? Okay. You want to see the math? I’ll show you. Look at this here. [Elizabeth Warren clips her board. There are statistical calculations on the board.] Do you understand this? I do. I can explain it to you but you would die. Okay, next question. Yeah, you.

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: Hi, I’m terrified of the doctor. And my husband is one. But that’s a separate problem. My question is, how are we going to get swing voters on board with the radical idea like universal health care?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Ooh, way to subtly ask if I’m electable. Careful, that’s my kink. Okay, see, look, you know why lobbyists are so against universal health care? They’re afraid you’re going to like it. ‘Cause it’s awesome. In “Footloose” they banned dancing. They didn’t ban broccoli. The bottom line is people are afraid of change. They only like their current insurance because they already know what it is, not ’cause it’s good. Something seems scary until you try ‘em out and find that they’re great. Like sushi, or butt stuff. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Hi, senator. My current insurance isn’t perfect. But with your plan, I’d have to give it up, and that makes me nervous.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You know what, I hear this from a lot of people. Let me help you understand. Your insurance is like a bad boyfriend. Girl, listen to me.

[Music starts playing]

You need to leave him. He’s draining you. You deserve better. Dump his ass.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: [Crying] I know. You’re right. I’m settling. But I’m just scared to leave because what if it’s the best I can get?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Girlfriend, how much is your deductible?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: $8,000. I don’t even have dental. [Crying] My teeth hurt so bad.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Listen to me, you beautiful bitch! Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to call him. You’re going to end it. And I’m going to come right over with an apple strudel and we’re going to post up on the couch and watch my favorite show which is somehow “Ballers.” And then one day, blue cross blue shield’s going to text you from the club saying, “Baby I miss you.” And you’re going to say, “New phone, who dis?” Okay, girlfriend, you’re going to be just fine. Do you believe that?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: So, do I have your vote?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: I don’t know. Pete Buttigieg seems nice.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, go to hell. And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Love at First Sight

Heidi Gardner

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

William… Chance the Rapper

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a clip of a very nice restaurant]

[Cut to thee ladies inside the restaurant]

Heidi Gardner: Come on, Jennifer. Cheer up. I hate to see you depressed.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. I know it’s not very 2019 to be down about a guy, but I still miss him.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, of course you do! You were together a long time.

[Cut to Jennifer]

Jennifer: Let’s just get more drinks and I’ll write down my address for when I pass out.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this night’s going to be bad.

Heidi Gardner: Actually, Jennifer, there’s a guy at the bar and he’s staring at you.

[Cut to Jennifer. There is a guy behind Jennifer at the bar who is looking at her.]

Jennifer: He’s looking at me? That has to be a mistake.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: No, girl, he’s coming over here!

[Cut to everybody. William is walking towards Jennifer]

William: Hello. My name is William. I’m nice, but I’m also shy.

Jennifer: I’ve heard that before. Right, ladies?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, give him a chance. Jennifer.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I could tell you looked sad. Would you like to dance?

[Jennifer stands and holds William’s hands]

Jennifer: Do they have dancing here?

William: I don’t care. [They start dancing] If they don’t like it, they can kill us.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Hey, buddy, we don’t really have room for dancing here.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Well, we are going to dance. And if you don’t like it, I suggest you kill us.

Jennifer: Wow, I never met anyone so confident.

William: And I’ve never met anyone so beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Oh, my gosh! Did you hear that? He knows just what to say.

Heidi Gardner: I know. I mean even if he’s a psych, it’s nice to hear you’re pretty.

Ego Nwodim: I know, even from a crazy person, it’s 100.

Heidi Gardner: But he’s dressed well.

Ego Nwodim: He is dressed well. So cute.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Hey, do you believe in love at first sight?

Jennifer: I think I’m starting to. This is crazy.

William: What’s crazy is how you feel in my arms.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: I feel like I’m floating.

[Jennifer and William are literally floating in the middle of the restaurant]

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Hey, are they flying right now?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god. I wouldn’t call it flying, but it’s definitely a low hover.

[Cut to everybody]

Jennifer: Is this what true love is supposed to feel like?

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do you want to see if we can move around?

Jennifer: Sure. Lead the way.

William: Here we go.

[Cut to everybody. Jennifer and William start floating around over other’s tables and breaking things]

Ego Nwodim: Okay. Guys, be careful.

Heidi Gardner: You guys don’t have a lot of clearance.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, which makes me they’re not that much in love.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: Don’t listen to them. They’re just jealous of me.

Jennifer: And me, too.

William: Sure. Hey, have you ever had champagne?

Jennifer: No, what is it?

William: You’ll see. Let’s fly to the bar. Here we go!

[Jennifer and William fly to the bar. William takes his champagne out of the ice and drops the ice bucket from the bar]

William: This will do nicely.

Jennifer: I’ll get the glasses. [Jennifer flies to the bar and breaks a lot of glasses trying to fetch two glasses for them] I feel like I’m flying in the stars.

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: Uh, you’re not. You’re like three feet tops.

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

William: I don’t care. We’re in love. And with love, there are no rules!

[William does a flip in the air]

Jennifer: Yeah! We’re in love!

Bartender: All right. Looking right up your skirt, honey!

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Ego Nwodim: I am so happy for Jennifer. I just hope she doesn’t get hurt.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, you mean physically, right?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, with all the crashing and—

[Cut to Jennifer and William]

Jennifer: Guys, I don’t want this night to ever end.

[Waitress walks in]

Waitress: Who ordered a seafood platter?

[Jennifer and William try to get the food but mess up everything from the table.]

Waitress: Thank you. That was so easy to make.

Jennifer: This is the best night of my life. And we haven’t even kissed.

William: Let’s change that.

[Jennifer and William kiss. William starts floating down.]

Jennifer: Oh, wait. Wait, why are you sinking? Was my kiss weird?

William: Nah, it was good.

Jennifer: Well, then, come back up here where all the love is.

William: Please don’t pull my arm.

Jennifer: I want you up here with me.

William: Yeah, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Hey, this was fun.

[William leaves]

[Cut to the bartender]

Bartender: So do you want to close up or what?

Jennifer: Yeah, sure, let me—I’ll get my purse.

[Jennifer goes to her friends to get her purse]

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, don’t be sad.

Jennifer: You know, maybe I was meant to be alone.

Ego Nwodim: No, you’ll find someone else sooner or later.

Bartender: Hello. I think it’s going to be sooner.

[Cut to the bartender. He is floating.]

Jennifer: You!

Ego Nwodim: Jennifer, maybe not the bartender!

Jennifer: Just one way to find out. Kiss me!

[Bartender and Jennifer kiss]

Both: We’re in love! We’re in love! [Bartender and Jennifer float higher and outside the window] We’re in love!

SoulCycle

Ego Nwodim

Mark… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Flint… Bowen Yang

Deacon… David Harbour

Trix… Heidi Gardner

Kyle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of SoulCycle outlet]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this is SoulCycle. You’ll love it.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

I go every lunch break.

Mark: Oh, so that’s where you run off to?

Ego Nwodim: Oh, pass.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Hey, guys, we are so psyched you’re here for this very special class. It’s SoulCycle instructor additions. Today you’ll be riding with multiple cyclists who are in the final stages of joining the SoulCycle family. Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: They’re auditions instructors?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. That’s why the class was free.

Mark: Who did I give $80 to?

Flint: What’s up, what’s up, SoulCycle White Harlem? My name is Flint, like the water. Let’s get those leg muscles going while I tell you what I’m about. I live life with no regrets. Abraham Lincoln died. It didn’t have to happen. Poor guy. If I’d been there I would have stopped it, but I wasn’t. Will you be? Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Is he suggesting we’ll save Lincoln somehow?

Ego Nwodim: The instructors only say things to try and inspire you. You’re supposed to move your legs, Mark.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Deacon]

Deacon: Dope, dope, dope, SoulCycle. My name is Deacon. And just a warning, I have an addiction to pushing myself and cocaine. Because I don’t believe in giving up. Check it. I was this close to playing a dead guy in the J. Lo in the movie ‘Hustler’ but I didn’t get it because they didn’t call me in for an audition, but when J. go Lo, I go high! Let’s ride.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Wow. Using Michelle Obama like that. What do you think?

Ego Nwodim: Mark, you’re sweating but you’re not moving. Pedal!

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: Hey, SoulCyclers. My name is Trix. Here’s my story. In highs school, I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too pretty. They called me model girl, or, “Hey, model.” But I wasn’t a model. Yet. And how do you think that made me feel?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Good?

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: We’re here to lift each other up. So turn to your neighbor and complement one part of their body. Be specific.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Toned back.

Ego Nwodim: I am not doing that.

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: And look at me now. My boyfriend is one of the Josh’s from “Million Dollar Listing.” Let’s ride!

[Cut to Deacon, Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Deacon: I am going to put a candle in front of the person I think is doing the worse.

Mark: Me?

Deacon: You have sad eyes, ma’am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Damn, they call me Kyle but I’m a girl we’re going to do a little core. Okay, three, two, one and funk the bike, funk the bike, funk the bike.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: I don’t want to be rude, but I can tell you you’re bad at sex.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that’s nor rude.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I didn’t always push myself like this you guys. I got kicked out of scientology because I was too lazy. Never again. Let’s ride.

[Clint walks in]

Flint: May I have this dance? This moment is so much more than us and our beautiful bodies. This morning I googled racism, and guess what? It bummed me out. And then I googled gay racism and that was even worse. You know what I did? I flushed my computer down the toilet, because I don’t need that negativity in my life! Let’s ride!

[Deacon walks in]

Deacon: Mind if I shine? Look, this was been my dream ever since acting was who hard. I put my life on hold last week when I lost my leg because a lumberjack thought it was a tree trunk but after believing hard enough, my leg grew back! Gandhi once said, two roads to versions of wood, I’ll take both. Let’s ride.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: Hi. Congratulations. You’re all-stars and you’re officially SoulCycle instructors!

Deacon: Whew.

Cecily Strong: No, no, no. Except for you. Your backpack was full of cocaine.

Deacon: Wow. You went through my bag?

Cecily Strong: Well, I guess we’re bot fired.

[Cheers and applause]

Sauce

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Nana… David Harbour

Marco… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three grandchildren visiting their grandparents]

Melissa: Nana, papa, we’re here.

Kyle: Where are they?

Cecily: Oh, my god. Nana’s sauce smells so good.

[Cut to Nana and Marco entering the room]

Nana: Oh! Amore! Grandchildren. I never see you. You always in school. I’m so happy you’re here! [Nana hugs her grandchildren] Oh! Come in. Give your grandma a hug. I’m making sauce for you, ah? [Nana looks at Marco] Hey! Marco! What are you doing at the sauce spot? Stay away from my sauce.

[Cut to Marco looking at the sauce]

Marco: I just think it needs to be a little more thick. You know? You don’t want a runny sauce. It’ll run all over the noodles. The noodles go in the sauce.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: What do you put in there?

Marco: I put parmesan.

Nana: [Looking at her grandchildren] You see what I put up with? Huh?

[Cut to Marco]

Marco: She put up with that because she like the way I make love to her. Short and slow.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Kyle: Hey grandpa, good to see ya.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]
Nana: Oh, he joking but all the dirty stuff. Huh?

Marco: I’m not. I’m not. I can’t resist this woman. Her kiss is like a fine wine. The older she gets the better they taste.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Cecily: Yeah. We get it, that’s sweet to know.

Kyle: Is it? Yeah, it is.

Melissa: Anyway, you guys, the sauce smells great.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: Oh, thank you. I’ve been working on it all day.

Marco: It smell a little thin to me.

Nana: Marco! Get away from the sauce. Get your body away from the sauce!

Marco: Get my what away from the sauce?

Nana: I think you heard me. Your body.

[Cut to Marco]

Marco: Oh, you’re thinking about my body? Is that what you say? Then get ready for it because it’s crazy for you right now.

Nana: Oh, get off me, old man. The grandchildren, no! They’re going to see we all sex 24/7.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Cecily: No, we don’t think that. We don’t want to think that.

Kyle: Yeah. The sauce is maybe almost ready.

Melissa: Smells like it could almost be ready.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: Oh! You’re right. You’re right. You can tell when the sauce is ready by the smell in the air. Isn’t that right, Marco?

Marco: I think it could have been more thick. It look like a juice. That’s not sauce. That’s like a Hawaiian punch.

Nana: Oh! That’s my sauce you talk about. I have to smack you up side of back of the head. Don’t talk about my sauce.

Marco: You know what? Sometimes when you get angry at me, it makes my thing work again.

Nana: Oh, you like when I get angry ah, do you? That’s what Marco wants? What? You want me spank you? Yeah! You want me degrade you in front of the grandchildren?

Marco: You tell me. I wanted you to be in charge.

Nana: Oh!

[Cut to grandchildren]

Kyle: If the sauce isn’t ready, we can just go out. Us three, just go to get Italian out somewhere.

Melissa: Yeah. We could step out. Unless this is part of it for you which I would not like.

Cecily: Yeah. We could go out and eat. So we can come back and have a different time. Something unlike we’re having now.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: No. There’s so much sauce. It will go to waste. Marco, Marco, you upset the grandchildren with that spice around me.

Marco: Can you believe it? I date this woman for 54 years, she’s still turning me on like I’m a young boy. I’m ready to sew my seed and – get soiled, you know?

Nana: Hey Marco, just check the sauce.

Marco: Okay, I still think the sauce is too thin. Taste it. You’ll see. Right in the your mouth. Open your mouth. Come on. It’s not ready, my love.

Nana: Ah—oh, ah!

Marco: Give me a taste of that sauce.

Nana: Ah! We got to think about the kids! Oh, no!

Marco: I want you so bad.

Nana: Oh, Marco! Marco! Oh, no!

Marco: No. let’s get on the table.

Nana: Wow! Come on.

[Grandchildren run away]

Oh. Oh—Oh!

Marco: Okay. It doesn’t work anymore. I’m sorry.

[Cheers and applause]

Court Show

Judge Connie Schaumberg… Cecily Strong

Police… Chris Redd

Bandit… David Harbour

Mary Schmidt… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Dog Court’s intro]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Did another dog run off with your dog’s ball? Did another dog wiz on your dog’s head? Is a dog pushing it’s political beliefs onto your dog? Don’t take justice into your own hands. Take them to dog court with me. Judge Connie Schaumberg.

Police: All rise. Welcome the honorable Judge Connie of the 110th and Amsterdam dog court.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay everyone, sit. Ah, sit. We got a lot on the docket today. Ah. You brought Miss Jesse to work?

Police: Yeah. Sorry, judge. It’s take your daughter to work day.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Oh no, it’s not. It’s in April, but you know what? That’s still cute. All right, first case.

[Cut to a man and a woman walks in with their dogs]

Police: This case number 328, Mary Schmidt vs. Bandit.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: State your case.

Bandit: All right, look. It’s very simple, your honor. All right? In my opinion, this woman and her dog, they are insane.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: No, Schitles and I are as sound as bells. His dog is however is a sociopath who will do anything for a cheap laugh. Look at the eyes, its totally dead.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Just tell me what happened.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: Simply put, I offered his dog my hand to sniff as is customary and his dog started jumping up on my body, biting both paws against my neck and pulling down my v-neck t-shirt revealing both of my bosoms.

[Cut to the dogs barking as the jury]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Order, order!

[Cut to the judge]

Courtroom, not a kennel!

[Cut to Bandit]

Bandit: Your honor, your honor, maybe you want to ask her why she came to the dog park with no bra.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I got one good bra and it was in the wash, your honor. You know hot it is.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, I do know how that goes. Yeah. [Cut to the judge] What evidence do you have to support your case?

[Cut to Mary Schmidt]

Mary Schmidt: I have 20 eyewitnesses and I wore the t-shirt here.

[Cut to the judge]
Judge Connie Schaumberg: You put the lipstick back in the holster. All right, I’m ready to roll. I order you to switch dogs. See how the other half lives.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit]

Mary Schmidt: What? Switch dogs.

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Do it!

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: There you go. All right. Good luck. Mine barks at poor people and only goes into a human toilet.

Bandit: And my dog has violent night tearers and screams like a human.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay. Well, let me tell you something. Whew. The dog court is a place for fun and tolerance. I should be so lucky to bring my dog—to the park, but I can’t because she’s crippled because I won’t let her walk. I don’t like – now – she rides around in a little football helmet. Okay? Think about that.

[Cut to Mary Schmidt and Bandit switching dogs]

Mary Schmidt: Wow! You’re right, your honor.

Bandit: I’m sorry, your honor.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Sketch artist, did you get everything? Okay. Looks not like me, but, yeah, you’re a dog.

[Cut to the break video]

Announcer: Coming up on the next dog court –

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Okay, tell me what’s what. Make it snappy.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Your honor, her dog is too big to be in the little dog park area.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]
Melissa Villaseñor: You don’t even have a dog. You’re a lookie-loo and everyone knows it.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Is that true sir? Get off it. Walking in the park seeing other people’s dogs?

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Is that a crime?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: No, it’s up to the jury. The verdict, please?

[Cut to the dogs as jury passing the verdict envelope]

[Cut to the judge receiving and opening the envelope]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Ooh, Yep, I knew it. Sorry to say the jury has sentenced you to death.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: What?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge Connie Schaumberg: Yeah, it seems extreme but this is dog court.

[Cut to Dog Court outro]

Kaylee, Crystal & Janetta

Mikey Day

Kaylee … Aidy Bryant

Janetta …Kate McKinnon

Crystal … Cecily Strong

Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Gerald … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

[Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]

Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.

Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.

[Cut to three ladies]

Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.

Crystal: Ex.

Kaylee: So, which one?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.

Janetta: Yeah.

[Cut to everyone]

Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?

Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.

Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Easy.

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Why, Janey girl?

Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: What you want on that cake?

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to everybody]

Jean: A threat?

[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]

Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.

Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.

[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]

Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.

Crystal: Yeah, me neither.

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Hey, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.]

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.

[Cut to the ladies]

Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.

Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.

[Cut to everybody]

Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.

[Other ladies are hooting for her]

[Cut to Jean and Gerald]

You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.

[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]

Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.

[Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]

Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.

[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]

But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.

[Janetta walks to Gerald]

Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Janetta and Gerald]

Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.

[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]

Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.

[Cut to everybody]

Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.

Crystal: That, we sure did.

Janetta: To sisterhood.

Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.

Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.

[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]