Heidi Gardner
Alex Moffatt
Jennifer Lopez
Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Kimmy … Chloe Fineman
[Starts with people in hardware store.]
Heidi: Oh, look, honey, this is so cute. It’s like a read hardware store. It’s like basic needs things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, babe, imagine me in these gloves. Look manly?
Heidi: It’d be so cute, huh? [Heidi and Speaker 2 walks to the store counter] Hi!
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: Hi there. How can we help you?
Heidi: Oh, my god, your tights are cute.
Kate: Oh, wow, you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. You hear that?
Jennifer: Yeah! She thinks these are tights. These are reinforced industrial leggings from tractor.
Cecily: Yeah, cute tights don’t matter when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, runnin’ through thorny brush like a tank.
Kate: Yeah. What matters is you don’t scratch your skunk.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Why would you be running through brush screaming?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: Well, to get away, you know?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: From what?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: I don’t know if you heard but you’re deep in Wisconsin’s bear country.
Kate: Yeah. We have a ton of black bears.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: I’m sorry. Aren’t they hibernating right now?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: Hah! Did you hear that?
Cecily: Yeah. That’s why they’re supposed to be doing. But so many city folks get houses out here and don’t secure their trash.
Kate: Yeah. We call them cidiots!.
Jennifer: These bears, they’re like my husband. He could be sawing logs in the lazy boy but as soon as I come in the door with my Mickey D’s quarter pounder, he’s wide awake ripping my bag apart and—ba dab a ba b,a he’s lovin’it.
Kate: So, what you need today?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Speaker 2: Well, we rented a house and we’re having some friends up and we just want to be prepared.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Cecily: So how many folks you having up?
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Like 15.
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Hey, you got to be careful on something. You don’t want that sucker up the wall.
Cecily: Yeah! you’re gonna need some bacteria kegs to keep that under control. Everybody doing their morning constitutional.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Um, I think our friends would probably just go to Starbucks.
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: Come here, come here.
[Kimmy runs in]
Why don’t you get them something. Cakes. We have the savings from our owns to put in.
Kimmy: On it!
[Kimmy runs away]
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2 confused.]
Speaker 2: Wow! Is that all of her hair?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Kate: Yeah. My girl!
Jennifer: It’s never been cut. She still has her baby hair on the end.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: So is Kimmy your daughter?
[Cut to the store keepers]
Jennifer: No, she’s nobody’s daughter. She came with the hardware store.
Cecily: Yeah, yeah. She’s just, you know, always been here.
Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, sometimes I hear her cursing and throwing things in the stock room. I’m assuming it’s a shadow from her past.
Cecily: Yeah, local paper wrote about how she was the Rapunzel of this hardware store.
[Kimmy runs in with something in her hand]
Kimmy: I found the septic cake.
Cecily: Okay. here you go. This should do you.
[Cut to Heidi and Speaker 2]
Heidi: Oh my god! Babe, what did I do with my keto bar?
Speaker 2: Oh! You know what? I think you left it outside because you don’t want anyone to think you eat.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Look!
[Cut to a bear outside the store.]
[Cut to everybody]
Jennifer: She left a snack bar out? Are you crazy? That bear woke up for it.
Kate: Oh, cidiots!
Cecily: He is supposed to be asleep.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Honey, look how stupid adorable he is.
Jennifer: Adorable? Get the bear repellant.
Kimmy: Getting it and got it.
Kate: Now go outside and spray that bear. It’s your turn.
Kimmy: I am on it.
Cecily: Yeah! Spray works good, right? But, that’s a pain in the tush.
[Kimmy walks to the bear to spray on it.]
Cecily: Uh-oh, can’s not working. Kimmy’s bear repellant must have a faulty part.
[Cut to the bear killing Kimmy.]
[Cut to everybody]
Kate: That bear is flinging Kimmy by her hair.
Cecily: There she goes. Throwing her like a Frisbee.
Jennifer: Yeah. Oh, she’s up. She’s up. Kimmy, get inside.
[Kimmy runs in. She doesn’t has her hair.]
Kimmy: I survived but I lost my hair.
Heidi: Oh, my god! Cute hair cut. I’m getting that.
Jennifer: No, I don’t go out there.
Speaker 2: Okay. Is she going to be okay?
Kate: No. NO, she’s dead for sure.
[Cut to Heidi and the bear taking a selfie]
[Cut to everybody inside]
Cecily: Okay, now, that’s new and different.
Tag: Cecily Strong
Ventriloquist
Announcer… Alex Moffat
Wally Culpepper… Will Farrell
Kenan Thompson
Cecily Strong
[Starts with an announcer at the stage of Hi-Hat lounge]
[applause]
Announcer: All right folks, we’re just getting warmed up tonight at the Hi-hat lounge . Please welcome to the stage Wally Culpepper and his little pal Chippy.
[Announcer leaves the stage. Wally Culpepper comes to the stage with his puppet.]
[applause]
Wally: Hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am indeed Wally Culpepper and this little stick of firewood is Chippy. Chippy, would you like to say “Hi” to all the lovely ladies and gentlemen tonight?[Chippy is the puppet]
Chippy: I sure would. When are they showing up?
Wally: Boy, Chippy, sounds like you might have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Chippy: I thought so, too. But your wife didn’t mind.
[Cut to audience laughing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Now, Chippy. That’s not very polite.
Chippy: You try being polite when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt.
[Cut to audience laughing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Chippy. This is a family show. Try to keep it G-rated.
Chippy: You try keeping it G-rated when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butty.
[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Okay. Okay. We get the point. So do you have any plans for the weekend, Chippy?
Chippy: You try having plans this weekend when you’ve got a man’s hand up your butt. I’m not trying to be funny. This man’s entire hand is up my butt.
[Cut to the audience confused and not laughing]
Kenan: Hey, man. Cut it out.
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: You see, Chippy, the audience doesn’t appreciate your high jinx.
Chippy: Don’t listen to him! You are witnessing a crime. And you are all complicit. Help! Help! This grown man has his entire hand up my butt!
[Cut to the audience]
Kenan: Hey, get your hand out the little man’s butt!
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: I’m sorry?
[Cut to the audience]
Cecily: He said get your hand out of his butt. He’s clearly not into this. Boo!
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: Ladies and gentlemen, please. It’s a puppet. It’s just part of the act. I set up a joke and have the puppet deliver a sassy comeback, okay? Watch. Hey, Chippy, tell them what you did last night.
Chippy: I spent hours hemorrahaging on the toilet, you monster. My insides are pulp.
[Cut to the audience]
Cecily: Was that the punch line? Honey, do something.
Kenan: You take your hand out of the puppet’s butt. You are killing him.
Chippy: Just let me go!
[audience booing]
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: All right, all right! Everybody cool it. I’ll take my hand out. All right? And I’ll show you how ridiculous you’re all acting. [Wally puts the puppet on the stool.] See? It’s just a puppet, okay? Now, can I go on with the show now please, sir?
[Cut to the audience]
Kenan: Chippy, you good man? [The puppet doesn’t speak] All right. I guess.
[Cut to Wally and Chippy]
Wally: All right. Thank you. Now, let’s have some fun. [Wally takes a jar of lubricant and puts it all over his hand. Then he puts his hand inside the puppet.]
Chippy: Ah! Ah! Ah! That never gets easier.
Wally: Not with you as a partner, it doesn’t. Hit it, Leon.
[music playing]
You say potato and I say potahto.
Chippy: My name is Lewis Maldanado. Someone please call my wife.
Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell
Cecily Strong
Mikey Day
Kyle Mooney
Heidi Gardner
[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]
Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.
[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]
[Cheers and applause]
Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!
Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.
Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.
Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.
[Cut to the reporters]
Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.
[Cut to the reporters]
Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.
[Cut to the reporters]
Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.
Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.
[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.
[Gordon Sondland walks in]
I’m holding everybody up, okay?
Gordon Sondland: No.
Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.
[Cut to the reporters]
Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”
[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]
Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?
Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.
Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.
Donald Trump: Thank you.
Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—
Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.
Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.
Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.
Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.
Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Party Song
Aidy Bryant
Mikey Day
Cecily Strong
Mr. B… Will Ferrell
Chloe Fineman
[Starts with Aidy at the door talking to her kids]
Aidy: Your dad and I will be back on Sunday. Remember, no parties.
Kids: We promise!
[horn honking]
Aidy: Damn it, Ronald. I’m coming.
[Cut to Jack and Cecily]
Both: It’s on!
[Music video starts]
Cecily: Whip out the phone starts sending texts
our parents are gone you know what happens next
Jack: Having a party should be cool
[door bell ringing]
Cecily: Who’s here?
Jack: The entire school
[everybody are getting in the house]
Jack: Everybody came the jocks and the geeks
popular girls the goths and the freaks
Cecily: Class clown crushing beer
Jack: He is losing
Cecily: Nerds playing beer pong
Jack: He is losing
Cecily: The quarterback’s here that’s hella lit
glad you came through
Alex: Party’s legit!
Cecily: Stoner kids rolling up a stick as blunt
Jack: Sitting on the couch is my AP English teacher?
[Cut to AP English teacher on the couch with a drink]
Cecily: Cause we’re having a pa-a-arty
hella fun
pa-a-arty
why’d your teacher come?
pa-a-arty
it’s kind of weird right?
party at my house tonight
party popping up that’s how it goes
Jack: through Mr. B’s looking at my family photos
nursing a beer as he tours my home
Mr. B: Hey Jack, was this taken in Rome?
Jack: Yo, sis, Mr. B came
Cecily: I know he did. Why is he here? He’s got a wife and a kid
Jack: Is he creeping on girls?
Cecily: No he’s being polite.
Jack: Then why the is he here?
Cecily: Just chill, all right?
he ain’t doing no harm don’t pay him attention
Jack: It’s just weird that he’s here watching Shawshank Redemption
Mr. B.: Andy Dufresne.
Jack: Midnight comes and the party’s still packed
cute Sophomore says–
Chloe: There you are Jack,
want to chill in your room? Party’s kind of loud
Jack: Mr. B’s with the vape rats
Mr. B.: Yeah, great cloud
Chloe: Show me your room
Jack: Yo, he’s drinking a bunch
Mr. B.: The cloud smells amazing
is that captain crunch?
Cecily: Mr. B’s having the time of his life
Jack: ‘Til he gets a call, must be his wife
Cecily: He ignores the call, stares off into space
twirls his wedding ring, black look on his face
Jack: He’s going through some stuff
Cecily: Mid life crisis?
Jack: Nah! Deeper than that.
Cecily: It’s none of our business
cause we’re having a pa-a-arty
giving into me
pa-a-arty
looking at himself
pa-a-arty
who have I become?
party at my house tonight
Jack: 3 am. Night’s coming to an end
Cecily: time to say good-bye to all our friends
Alex: Party was epic
Chris: Party’s the best
Chloe: Maybe check on Mr. B though
Jack: He hasn’t left?
[Cut to Mr. B. drinking on alone.]
heading home Mr. B?
Mr. B.: Hey there Zack
God I miss high school wish I could go back
Jack: Ha-ha, that’s cool.
Cecily: Can we call you a lyft?
Mr. B.: It goes by fast, cherish it.
Jack: Well, you should probably roll if you know what I mean
Mr. B.: I’d kill my own mother for a time machine
Cecily: Okay, well–
Mr. B.: Promise me guys you’ll just be alive.
While you’re young and alive.
Jack: Right.
Mr. B.: Sleep with everyone.
You’re only young once. Make it fun. [Mr. B. opens another can]
Cecily: Oh, you’re having one more?
Mr. B.: Yeah. [finishes the drink in one shot] Great party.
Jack: Hold up, Mr. B, are you good to drive?
Mr. B.: Not even close, but I got a ride.
[Mr. B. opens the door. His wife is outside.]
Mrs. B.: It is 3 in the morning, Richard.
Mr. B.: I’m sorry.
Mrs. B.: What is going on with you lately?
Mr. B.: I don’t know, okay?
Cecily: Party at my house tonight.
Cut for Time: Harry Styles Sketch
Aidy Bryant
Cecily Strong
Kate McKinnon
English Kevin… Will Ferrell
[Starts with SNL stage]
Announcer: Last week’s episode featured host and musical guest Harry Styles. As usual, there were several sketches cut for time, including one scene that was particularly heartbreaking because only Harry Styles could have played the part. Or so we thought. Will Ferrell, always competitive, said, “If Harry Styles can do it, so can I. After all, I was doing sketch comedy when Harry was just a fetus in his mom’s butt.” Thus, the sketch was rescued and given a second life. This… is that sketch.
[Cut to three girls talking in a school canteen]
Aidy: Hey, girlfriends. Did you hear about this new hottie boom-body who transferred to our school from England?
Cecily: Wow, a hot English teen? Sign me up.
Kate: Sign me up as well. If he’s half as hot and teenage as you say he is, I’m going to be sliding right off this small chair.
Aidy: Oh, trust me. He is. His body is smooth and young like a baby seal, but with abs.
Cecily: But, can he sing? I need a boy who can sing.
Kate: Yeah, and if he sings, he better dance too.
Aidy: Girlfriends, you are in luck. He sings like an angel and he dances like the devil himself.
Kate: Oh-oh! Clean up on aisle my pants.
Aidy: Shh! Girlfriends, here he comes.
[music playing]
[English Kevin walks in]
English Kevin: Hello, hey. It’s me, the new kid.
[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: Oh, my god. He’s the ultimate dream machine.
Kate: You weren’t kidding about his body.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Who, me? Don’t look at me. I’m shy.
[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: I can’t believe he’s still in school and not modeling full time.
Kate: Wait, someone say something before I get pregnant just looking at him.
[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: Hey, what’s your name?
English Kevin: English Kevin. I’m from London. England that is.
Kate: I love exotic men.
Cecily: I know, his hot English accent is driving me crazy.
Aidy: Okay, quick, say, “Fancy a cup of tea my sweet.”
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Fancy a tea of sweet you cup?
[Cut to the three girls]
Kate: Wow, sexy and smart.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Um, this many.
[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: I think he means 17.
Kate: Wow, which means he’s legal. Okay, jackpot!
[Cut to English Kevin licking ice-cream]
English Kevin: Don’t look at me. Let me eat my soft, soft ice-cream.
[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: Ooh! Ooh! That’s good.
Aidy: Yeah, very hot! And good.
Kate: Is Gwyneth Paltrow operating a website in my pants? Because they’re full of goop.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Oops! Did I make a little mess?
[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: Um, and I love all his sexy tattoos. Tell us about them English Kevin.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: This one’s a dolphin which is a friendly shark. This one’s a horse with a sword on his head. These are extinct except in my dreams. And this is a Chinese character meaning tattoo.
[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: Wow, are we at a sea food restaurant? Because I’ve got a steamed clam.
Kate: English Kevin, will you do a cool skateboard trick for us?
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Um, I don’t think I should because English Kevin just had knee surgery. And his kids– I mean friends are worried about him.
[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: Ooh! Is that a text message from one of your thousands of girlfriends?
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Nope. That’s just a reminder for English Kevin to take his lip to talk.
[Cut to the three girls]
Kate: Then, sing us a song and do us a dance.
Cecily: Yeah, we know you have something prepared.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Yeah, sure. I’m just having a little trouble breathing because my hip clothes are so tight. But, here it goes. Two, three, four.
[Cut to everybody]
[dancing and singing horribly]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know, oh oh
You don’t know you’re beautiful
[English Kevin jumps and tears his pants]
Ah! My fashion jeans! Oh! F-ing S-word! You all see my D-word, and my B-spot!
[Cut to the three girls pretending they’re closing their eyes]
Aidy: Oh, but don’ worry. We won’t look.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Please, nobody look at my D-word. I brought it from England with me. And I call it Big-Ben.
[Cut to the three girls]
Aidy: Oh! Because it’s big like the clock tower?
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: No, because it’s pretty messed up like Ben Roethlisberger.
[Cut to the three girls]
Cecily: English Kevin, I think you’re gonna fit in just fine just around here.
[Cut to English Kevin]
English Kevin: Cheeky! But seriously, this is Will talking. I need help getting up and my thing is out.
Cut for Time: Date in Mexico
Chris Redd
Cecily Strong
Rosco… Will Farrell
Waiter… Bowen Yang
Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with a sea beach villa’s clip]
Chris: Honey, this has been a really special vacation. Thank you.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily having drinks at the restaurant]
Cecily: Aw, thanks. Not everyday my man graduates veterinarian school.
Chris: Well, I didn’t graduate. I’m just not going anymore.
Cecily: Still, something to celebrate.
[Waiters walks in with two drinks]
Waiter: Two Cocolatus.
Cecily: Oh, we didn’t order these.
Waiter: Compliments of the gentleman over there.
[Rosco is sitting alone at the next table]
Rosco: How are you folks this evening?
Cecily: Great, thank you. How are you?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I couldn’t be any freaking better. Woo, I’m in love.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Chris: Oh, that’s great.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: Yeah, she’s gonna meet me. Her name is Subina. She’s from Moldova.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh, cool. How did you meet?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: On a website, where you look for Moldavian women. I sent her flowers, it cost $800.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Wow, you must be well off.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: Well, I do what I can. It’s worth it when you’re in love. Like this trip to Mexico.
[A waitress walks in with a hugs lobster]
Waitress: Lobster for two.
Rosco: Yes, that’s for me and Subina. She’s my girlfriend from Moldova. And she’s meeting me here in Mexico.
Waitress: Oh, that’s great.
Rosco: Yeah, we’re in love. And that’s why I bought her a plane ticket from Moldova to Mexico to meet me. And I bought the lobster and caviar for dinner for two. It’s prepaid.
Waiter: Yeah, I saw that.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Well, she’s a very lucky lady.
Chris: Is she still up in the room, or?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: She’s coming from Moldova. She should be here any minute. It’s the first time we’ve ever met in person.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh! Hah!
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: You wanna see a picture of Subina?
[Cut to everybody]
Chris: Oh, sure.
[Rosco showing them her picture on his phone]
Rosco: What do you think? She’s beautiful, right?
Cecily: Well, lot of make up.
Chris: Very pretty.
Cecily: Never seen a phone screen that cracked!
Rosco: You wanna see one of just the bod?
Cecily: Oh, no.
Rosco: Check that out! Right? Right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. My mom says I make bad choices. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, right!
Cecily: Well, thanks for the drinks.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I’m in love, woo! [phone ringing] Oh, that’s Subina now. [talking on the phone] Hi, baby. What? What do you mean, baby? What are you saying? So, you’re not coming? Where are you now? Moldova? Well, I can buy you a new ticket. Baby! Baby! Ba-baby! Baby, no wait. Baby, don’t. Wait. [He looks at the phone and drops it on the table.]
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Are you okay?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: No, I’m not okay. I need a minute.
[Rosco walks out]
[Rosco screaming in anger]
[Rosco walks back]
Waitress: Is everything okay, sir?
[Cut to Rosco and waitress]
Rosco: Subina dumped me. My credit card bounced on her ticket and she dumped me.
Waitress: Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s really tough. So, do you still want the caviar service?
Rosco: Yeah, I paid for it.
Waitress: Well, I’m really sorry.
[Waitress walks away]
Rosco: I’m not well off.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: What’s that?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: You said earlier I must be well off. I’m not. I’m a shoe shiner. And I wash feet at a salon.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Chris: Oh! Okay.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I can’t even pay for this stupid lobster I’m eating. I borrowed the money from my mom to pay for this trip. And now Subina’s [eats the lobster] not even coming. Filth!
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh, you’re not supposed to eat the shell.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I don’t know that. I’ve never had lobster before. [coughs] I’m allergic. [Roscotakes out a woven panties] You two should have these. I bought them for Subina but useless now.
Cecily: Sorry, what is this?
Rosco: Candy panties for Subina, because she sweep like candy. And she wears panties.
[Cut to Chris]
Chris: I think we’re good.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: Then don’t think them of as panties. All right? Think of them as a regular dandy. I only wore them more than once.
[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: We’re only here for two nights, so.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I’m gonna Facetime Subina, okay? And convince her to come to Mexico. [phone ringing]
Subina: Hello
Rosco: Subina, it’s me Rosco. I’m your baby, remember?
Subina: I don’t know. You’re not sending me money anymore.
Rosco: I can send money. If I send money now, will you come to Mexico?
Subina: I don’t know.
Unknown male voice: Baby, come back to bed.
Subina: I’m working.
Rosco: That’s her brother.
Subina: I have to go. Good bye Roger.
Rosco: It’s Rosco. And should I wait for you or– ?
[Waitress walks in]
Waitress: Your caviar sir.
Rosco: Oh! It’s just fish! Get it away from me!
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Well, you know what? I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon because you seem like a real catch.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: No, there’s only Subina. [phone beeping] Oh! It’s Lily Anna. Another Moldavian woman. She just Venmo requested me $1,000. I’m in love again.
Cut for Time: Cast List
Beth… Heidi Gardner
Caspar… Mikey Day
Pri… Cecily Strong
Myles… Kyle Mooney
Tyson… Beck Bennett
Aidy Bryant
Mr. Koneg… Will Farrell
Tabby… Ego Nwodim
Camdan… Bowen Yang
Trinity… Kenan Thompson
Tech director… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a bunch of actors waiting for the cast list]
Beth: Oh my god! I can’t wait any longer. I have to know if I’m the musical.
Caspar: I know. This is like, the latest Mr. Koneg ever posted the cast list. Like, last year, Gospel was up at like, 10.
Pri: You’re so good in Gospel.
Caspar: I know.
Myles: What if I just like, ran right through this door?
[everybody laughing]
Caspar: That’s hilarious. [Cut to Caspar and Pri] I hope I get to play Conorad Birdie.
Pri: Oh! You know you will. You’re the most talented male in the department.
[Cut to everybody]
Caspar: You really think so?[walking around]
Tyson: Oh, yes! I could never do what you’re doing right now.
Aidy: Okay, I just hope I get to play a person in this show, because I already played a dog in “Annie and the Dog”, and a foot in “The beauty and the beast.”
Pri: Yeah, but you’re so good at playing parts with no lines.
Aidy: Yeah!
[The director, Mr. Koneg, comes in. The actors stay quiet.]
Mr. Koneg: I see the sharks are circling boat.
[Cut to Beth]
Beth: Ha-ha-ha. So funny, Mr. Koneg.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Shut up Beth.
[Cut to the actors]
Pri: Mr. Koneg, is the cast list done?
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: [sigh] No. Just wanted to inform you all we will be using Hamilton casting rules for this show. So, any race for any part, unless of course, it strikes me as weird. Also, don’t read too much into this, but one senior girl is going to be very disappointed.
[Mr. Koneg looks at Beth and walks out.]
[Cut to the actors]
Beth: Oh my god! I knew it. Mr. Koneg hates me.
Aidy: Don’t be too loud, because I think he likes to watch us spin out through the masks in the door.
[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]
[Cut to the actors]
Caspar: Beth, if you don’t get a good part, I don’t even want to do the show. I mean, I have to do it to my senior show, and I’m definitely going to do it no matter what. But still, I’m sorry.
[Mr. Koneg comes in again.]
Mr. Koneg: Miles, would you kiss a girl with tongue if the role required it? I know your family is that difficult kind of Christian.
[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Um, I need to pray on that, see what god leads me to.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Tell god I need an answer now.
[Cut to Miles]
Miles: Well, then, yes sir.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Tell god, gracias. Pri and Tyson, stand next to each other.
[Pri and Tyson walk forward and stand next to each other]
Tyson: Is this good sir? Your hair looks great by the way.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Oh! You’re going to kiss my ass, at least tell me how it tastes.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Tyson: Sorry sir.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: You read like such virgins. Aren’t you dating? Have you not gone all the way?
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Pri: Um, no comments.
Tyson: We’re working up to it sir. We’re currently at her jeans on, my jeans and underwear off, my shirt off, her shirt and usually jacket on.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: So, you’re naked and she is fully clothed.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson nodding yes.]
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Your homework before home week is to bang each other’s brains out. And don’t know if you did it, by the way, you carry yourselves.
[Cut to Pri and Tyson]
Tyson: Absolutely.
Pri: Whatever it takes.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Camdan, can I see you stand like a mayor?
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: Oh, my god! The mayor has two lines. This is not happening. No!
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Camdan, mayor stands! Meme suspenders please!
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: [crying] No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Hmm, thank you. Tabby, do you want a leading role?
[Cut to Tabby]
Tabby: Um, I don’t know. I’ll carry either way.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: And that’s why you’ll get one. Caspar!
[Cut to Caspar]
Caspar: Yes, Mr. Koneg.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: Conorad Birdie is an Elvis type. Sing something like you’ve bedded one thousand women.
[Cut to Caspar]
Caspar: Yes!
[singing]
There goes the baker with his tray like always
[Cut to everybody]
Mr. Koneg: Stop! God! You’re talented.
[Cut to Beth smiling at Mr. Koneg]
[Cut to Mr. Koneg]
Mr. Koneg: By the way, the show is canceled.
[Mr. Koneg walks out again.]
Everybody: Aw! What? [Cut to the actors]
Aidy: Guys, no matter happens, we all did a great job.
[Cut to Mr. Koneg walking in with a list]
[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg is walking slowly. The actors are trying to look at the list. Mr. Koneg is going to put the list on the notice board.]
Mr. Koneg: Oopsie! I forgot some tape.
[Mr. Koneg walks out again with the list with him]
Everybody: Oh! No!
[Cut to Camdan]
Camdan: Guys, if I got the mayor role, I’ll probably get out of school.
[Cut to everybody. Mr. Koneg walks in with a list again.]
Mr. Koneg: [looking at Camdan] Mr. Mayor!
Everybody: Oh!
[Mr. Koneg sticks the list on the notice board.]
Mr. Koneg: Back up please!
Caspar: What are you doing?
Mr. Koneg: First it must be initiated by choreographer.
[Trinity walks in]
Everybody: Trinity!
Mr. Koneg: Shh!
[Cut to everybody. Trinity checks the list and walks towards the actors.]
Trinity: [looking at Beth] I’m sorry.
Everybody: No! Oh my god!
[The actors try to look at the list]
Mr. Koneg: [covering the list] Ah-ah-ah! Please! And our tech director.
[Cut to the tech director walks in and checks the list]
Tech Director: This is going to be a bitch to like, but I was promised new gel. So, um, stay tuned.
Mr. Koneg: Well, here is your meet.
[Mr. Koneg walks out. The actors rush to look at the list.]
Caspar: Oh, my god! He double cast it? We each only get to do one night?
Everybody: What? No!
[Cut to the mask on the door. Mr. Koneg is watching the actors through the mask’s eye holes.]
Mr. Koneg: Yes! Gorgeous sweet chaos!
2020 Democratic Debate
Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor
Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon
Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph
Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost
Bernie Sanders… Larry David
Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch
Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson
Cory Booker… Chris Redd
Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang
Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell
Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen
Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong
[Starts with MSNBC intro]
Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.
[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]
[Cheers and applause]
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?
[Cut to the people competing]
Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.
[Cut to Rachel Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.
[Cut to Kamala Harris]
Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.
[Cut to Kamala Harris]
Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.
[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]
Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?
[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]
Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.
[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]
[Cheers and applause]
Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?
[Cut to Joe Biden]
[Cheers and applause]
Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.
[Cut to Cory Booker]
Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.
[Cut to Andrew Yang]
Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: I have to do what?
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.
[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]
Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?
[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]
Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?
[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]
Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.
[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]
Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?
[Cut to Kamala Harris]
Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?
[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]
Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.
[Cut to Tom Steyer]
Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.
[Cut to Kamala Harris]
Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.
[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]
[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]
Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.
[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]
Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.
[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]
Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.
[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]
Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?
[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]
Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.
[Cheers and applause]
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?
[Cut to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?
[Cut to Kamala Harris]
Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]
[Cut to Rache Maddow]
Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.
[Cut to the speakers]
Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.
Baby Faye and Her Newsboys
Baby Faye… Cecily Strong
Harry Styles
Mikey Day
Beck Bennett
[Starts with Baby Faye and Her Newsboys intro]
Announcer: Presenting 10 year old sensation Baby Faye and her News Boys. Come and see the hit of the 1921 Vaudeville circuit. Get your tickets now for one nickel.
[Cut to another poster of the show]
Calling all the guys of 1931, yes, it’s 10 years later and these 20 years old are still playing 6. Tickets are going nowhere fast. Baby Faye and the News Guys.
[Cut to another poster of the show]
Extra, extra! It’s 1956 and Baby Faye has sold out—her dignity. Please welcome Baby Faye and the grown-up male news guys.
[Music starts playing]
[Cut to the show. The guys dancers are dancing on the stage.]
Everybody: Mister, mister!
Harry: Get a log of this headline
Mikey: Page!
Everybody: Mister, mister!
Beck: Did you hear the news yet? Baby Faye is ‘bout to hit the stage.
Mikey: Presenting!
Beck: In person!
Harry: That 5’8”.
Mikey: 45-year-old!
Harry: Unwed, full childless woman in toddler’s clothes.
[Music starts and drum rolls]
Beck: That 150-pound bundle of joy, Baby Faye!
[Baby Faye enters the stage]
Baby Faye: Hello, everyone. My name’s Baby Faye. What’s your name?
[Music starts playing]
The guys: La-la-la-la.
Baby Faye: No, no, no, no. Don’t go into the song. I’m obviously stuck in the G.D. splits.
Harry: Those aren’t the splits. I can see daybreak between your crotch and the floor.
Baby Faye: Shut up! Introduce me some more while I get up.
Mikey: Okay. Drum roll, please.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: Reintroducing the woman we’re looking at.
[Cut to Harry]
Harry: Heavy smoker and worrisome drinker.
[Cut to Mikey]
Mikey: She’s stuck in the jazz splits somehow. Probably due to her lifestyle.
[Cut to Harry]
Harry: She may sound slow, but she isn’t.
[Cut to Beck]
Beck: She binds her chest, thinking that’s the issue here.
[Cut to Harry]
Harry: They weren’t that big to begin with?
Baby Faye: Hey! [Cut to Baby Faye] Stop that’s not my intro.
[Cut to the guys]
Mikey: What do you expect? You made us vamp. Just sing.
[Cut to Baby Faye]
Baby Faye: All right, what is your name?
[Music starts playing]
[Cut to everybody dancing]
Let me make you happy
Let me put on a show
I can do some high kicks
Ow, Damnit! Oh, I pulled something!
Faye’s mom: Faye!
[Faye’s mom enters the stage]
Baby Faye: Mama!
[Cut to Faye’s mom]
Faye’s mom: No, no, no, no. There’s five people out there and they paid for a good show. You’re giving them the kind of hot junk you can find in the toilet.
[Cut to Baby Faye]
Baby Faye: Mama!
[Cut to Faye’s mom]
Faye’s mom: And you need to mind your breasts.
[Cut to Baby Faye and her mom]
Baby Faye: I binded them, mama!
Faye’s mom: It’s bound, you dummy!
Baby Faye: Mama! It’s my birthday.
Faye’s mom:I don’t care. [Cut to Faye’s mom] I don’t care. I need you to be a dependent a little bit longer. Mama needs that, now do your damn duet.
[Faye’s mom leaves]
[Music starts playing]
[Baby Faye and Harry are holding hands and dancing]
Baby Faye: How did this happen
I’m in love with a boy who’s five
Harry: Five, five, five, five!
and I’m in love with a girl who’s six,
Baby Faye: Six, six, six, six.
Both: What do we do with a love like this
[A half moon comes behind them]
I say we ride on a moonbeam
and dance our way back down
[Baby Faye sits on the half moon]
Lift me!
[Cut to Beck trying to lift the moon with a handle bar back stage]
Beck: Ugh, I can’t do it. I think my hernia popped out.
[Cut to Baby Faye]
Baby Faye: Dammit! Let’s just go to the big finish. Tap break, fellas. Hit it!
[Cut to Baby Faye, Mikey and Beck. They are tap dancing.]
[Faye’s mom enters the stage]
Faye’s mom: Don’t bother. I just went out there and there’s only four men in the audience and they’re all jackabating with girlie mags. I guess it’s something about doing it in public. Oh, well. Everything’s coming up, wrong.
[Faye’s mom falls off the stage]
[Cut to the show poster]
Announcer: Yes, they strip now. She just introduces them and then she leaves. That’s Show Biz!
Days of Our Impeachment Cold Open
Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat
Jim Jordan… Mikey Day
Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong
Bill Taylor
Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon
Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney
Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with an intro]
Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.
Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.
Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.
Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.
Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.
Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.
Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.
Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.
Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.
[Cut to the impeachment]
Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: It is.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound]
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]
Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints]
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look at the facts but no.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]
Bill Taylor: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?
[Cut to Bill Taylor]
Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.
[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]
Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again]
[Cut to Bill Taylor]
Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.
[Rudy Giuliani walks in]
Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?
Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?
Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.
Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.
Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.
[Cut to the show intro]
Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–
Unknown voice: Not so fast!
[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]
Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?
Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.
Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.
[Cut to everybody]
Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?
Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.
[Cut to the show intro]
Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’
[Cut to Bill Taylor]
Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.
Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?
Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.
[Cut to everybody]
Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]
Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?
Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]
Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.
Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?
Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.
Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound]
[Cut to everybody]
Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.
Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?
Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.
Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.
[Cut to the show intro]
Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.
[They kiss]
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.
[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]
Myles Garrett : Enough!
Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?
[Cut to Myles Garrett]
Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.
[Cut to Myles Garrett]
Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.
[Cut to Myles Garrett]
Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]
Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?
Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—
Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!