Tag: Cecily Strong

Holiday Baking Championship

Alex Moffat

Claudia… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Mitch… Eddie Murphy

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Holiday Baking Championship intro]

Announcer: We now return to the holiday baking championship.

[Cut to the show]

Host: All right, Bakers. It’s time to show your holiday creations to the judges. Today’s theme was Christmas past. You had to hours to make cakes based on childhood memories. First up is home baker, Claudia.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Hi judges, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Merry Christmas to you. Sweetie, why don’t you tell us what you made today.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: My cake is a tribute to my father who gave my daughter her favorite Christmas memory by taking her to see the movie Frozen. So my cake is beautiful Elsa made from peppermint sponge cake. And her hair do is made from over Host,000 braided strands of icing. And I’m not gonna ‘let it go’ because I want to win.

[Cut to Ego and Beck]

Ego: Wow. That sounds very ambitious. Let’s see your cake.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: With pleasure.

[Claudia reveals her cake. It looks horrible.]

Ego: Claudia!

Claudia: Yeah. Now that it’s in the light, I see that it’s bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Yeah, sweetie, it kind of looks like it has some kind of DNA problem.

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: I would love to say that’s intentional.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: Well, let’s taste it.

[the judges take a bite]

Beck: Oh, is there garlic in this?

[Cut to Claudia]

Claudia: Probably. At one point I blacked out and I started making pasta. Just forget it. It’s bad. I’m bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! That’s unfortunate. Next up is Mitch.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here. I want to say that you look so much more attractive in person.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Thanks. Who’s your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: My children have grown up in Napa. One of my favorite memory is playing video games on Christmas mornings. So cake is that speedy rascal Sonic the Hedgehog. It is made from royal icing and the shoes are made from hot cinnamon and the speed lines are red licorice.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Wow, really interesting flavor profile.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I only get one shot at this and I didn’t want to hedgehog my bets.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I love that you came to play. Let’s see it.

[Mitch reveals his cake. It looks horrible and its brown in color.]

Beck: Good god, Mitch.

Mitch: That’s bad. It’s gross. Real bad.

Ego: What went wrong?

Mitch: I think I just made a lot of bad choices. I mean in general in my life.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And why is it brown, Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: I don’t know. Why is anything brown?

[Cut o Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Land are those human teeth in its mouth?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s correct. The teeth are human.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, hopefully things went better for you.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: No complaints. My Christmas memory is watching Frosty with my grandma. And here he is, all come to life.

[Sandy reveals her cake. It looks really good.]

So what do you think?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: That’s frosty all right.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? Hang on. My cake is definitely better than his. I mean, look. It’s on fire!

[Cut to Mitch’s cake. Its literally on fire.]

Mitch: Is that true? I think it is trying to kill itself.

[the cake is speaking something]

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: I’m sorry, Mitch. What is that language it’s speaking?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: That’s some evil backwards devil talk. I believe I opened up a portal and I am so bad at baking.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Should we destroy it?

[Cut to Mitch’s cake speaking in old lady voice]

Mitch’s cake: No. Please don’t hurt me. I love you.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: What is that voice?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch: It is in your grandmother’s voice to trick and you drag you to hell.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: That’s very disturbing. At least you took risks.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Excuse me?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Next up is Ralph. What is your Christmas memory?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My favorite Christmas memory is Cinderella.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego: That doesn’t quite make sense but let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. The castle looks like penis.]

[Cut to the judges]

Beck: Okay. Festive but what are those things on the side?

[cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s her penis castle, of course. That’s where Cinderella goes when she’s tired from all the balls.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy: Well, we have another tough decision to make.

[Cut to Sandy and Mitch]

Sandy: That’s incorrect.

[Mitch’s cake speaks something]

Mitch: Thank you pal, we can still win this thing.

[Cut to Host]

Host: We’ll be back the judge’s decision right after this.

Cut for Time Aidy Bizzo & Lizzo

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with three colleagues conversing]

Aidy Bryant: It’s so cool that Lizzo was on the show this week.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: I know, she’s so confident.

Kate McKinnon: She embraces her raw sexual power.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We can do that?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, yeah! Lizzo does it because she knows she’s a Aidy Bryant00% that bitch.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah! Why can’t I be Aidy Bryant00% that bitch?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! You are.

Kate McKinnon: Ah! You just got to know it like Lizzo does.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah!

[Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney walks in]

Beck Bennett: Oh! You guys talking about Lizzo again? Why can’t we just talk about Rock N’ Roll?

Kyle Mooney: Be cool man!

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Aidy, I like your jacket.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Oh! You like this?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah! It’s cool. You look good.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

[music playing]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Yes, I damn do! And I can see that you want to taste, don’t you, bitch?

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Hah?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Coz’ you know it’s edible, it’s incredible, and you want to dip your whole damn chip in it.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Aidy, I–

Aidy Bryant: Shh! Be aware. I ain’t no snack at all. In fact baby, I’m the whole damn meal.

[Cut to  and Kate McKinnon]

Cecily Strong: Aidy! Are you feeling okay?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I’m feeling good as hell. Excuse me! [Walks out]

[Cut to Aidy Bizzo video bumper]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the changing room with Bowen Yang.]

Aidy Bryant: I can’t believe we’re doing this show with Eddie freakin’ Murphy hosting. I’m like, so nervous.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: You’re nervous? This is my only first season. At least he knows who you are.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: I don’t think that he does.

[Eddie Murphy walks in]

Eddie Murphy: Hey man! The TV in my dressing room is showing like, snow on all the paid channels.

Bowen Yang: Oh, Mr. Murphy! I’m not actually a maintenance man. It’s just my astronaut costume. But yeah, I can fix it.

[Eddie Murphy looks at Aidy Bryant]

Eddie Murphy: Wait a minute, Aidy! I was just telling Lorne how much I love you in sketches.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]
Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair] Sketches? Bitch I got my own show on Hulu.

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Say what?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I know you love this fat ass. It’s iconic.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: Aidy, you’re talking to a legend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: [flips her hair again] Well, even legends go to church. So, you need to get to god and you need to thank him for my beautiful fat ass.

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: Um, god, I know it’s been a while. But I just want to say thank you for that ass.

[Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant at the back stage]

Michael Che: So, Aidy. I don’t know if you saw this new script, [Michael Che walks towards Aidy Bryant] but now your head explodes.

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Uh-huh! [Aidy Bryant takes the script from Michael Che and throws it away]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Tell me though, when are you gonna let me smang it?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: It means I’m going to sit on your dick so hard that you die.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Aidy, you’re married.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Che, you know I don’t play tag, because I’ve been in it. So, why don’t you take my number and you can go ahead and consider those your last rides, because I’m about to destroy your thing to death.  Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Michael Che]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, by bitch.

[Aidy goes away on director’s seat]

[Cut to a video clip where Aidy Bryant posing to a song “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo.]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking on her colleague’s desk.]

Heidy Gardner: Oh, wow! [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner] She is really going hard.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant twerking]

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Heidy Gardner]

I guess Aidy is still Lizzo-ing, huh?

Chloe Fineman: I wonder how Lizzo feels about it.

[Cut to Lizzo laughing]

Aidy Bryant: Can I be honest about something?

Lizzo: Please bitch, you must.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Sometimes it’s really hard to have an earth shatteringly gorgeous ass. And I smanged Michael to death with it.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: May he smang in peace.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Do you ever feel like you’re only 90% that bitch?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: No. But maybe you’re burning the ass of both ins.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, totally. Is it me or are we best friends?

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Yeah! I mean I’m definitely your best friend. And, that’s great for you.

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, totally. [Cut to Aidy Bryant] So, I’ll leave you alone.

Lizzo: Yeah!

Aidy Bryant: Thank you so much. Bye.

[Cut to Lizzo]

Lizzo: Bye bitch!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant outside]

Aidy Bryant: Lizzo and Aidy, best friends!

North Pole News Report

Rick Sugarplum… Alex Moffat

Donnie Chestnut… Mikey Day

Kittle Diddles… Eddie Murphy

Chloe Fineman

Cecily Strong

[Starts with North Pole News intro]

Announcer: This is a North Pole News special report.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum in his news set.]

Good evening. I’m Rick Sugarplum. Breaking news tonight of an incident which led to a fire at Santa’s workshop in toy production, north. Our own, Donnie is live at the scene.

[Cut to split screen with Rick Sugarplum at left and Donnie Chestnut at right]

Donie, what’s going on and will it affect Christmas?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well, Rick, what we know is there was a fire caused by a knocked over licorice lamp as elves were fleeing the workshop. But no word yet as to what they were fleeing from. Still looking for answers here.

[Kittle Diddles comes in running]

Kittle Diddles: I saw the whole thing. I saw the whole thing walking down from the candy can depo. I saw the whole thing.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, tt looks like we have an eyewitness here. What’s your name sir?

Kittle Diddles: It doesn’t matter what my name is. I’ve seen what happened. A polar bear got into the workshop and started eating elves. I don’t know those elves and I don’t work with those elves are but those elves are gone.

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Hold on. Is this man saying a polar bear got inside the workshop?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Yes. I believe he is. But there is an electrified fence around the perimeter.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter about the electrified fence. The bear came right through fence and it looked just like Jurassic Park. it just ran through the fence. These bears are out there and they’re hungry because of global worming, and they smelled that fresh elf meat and wen’t crazy. The bears are coming for us, you all. Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Well, that’s some troubling news. Any word on who might have been injured?

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut]

Donnie Chestnut: Well no, official casualties have been confirmed.

[Kittle Diddles runs in again carrying one human leg in his hand]

Kittle Diddles: I can confirm them now. Look at this leg. I found this lying on the ground down there. They’re dead. Bears are popping elves in their mouths like skittles. Not even chewing. Swallowing elves whole. Party shoes and all! Ah!

[Cut to Rick Sugarplum]

Rick Sugarplum: Donnie, looks like this could be far worse than originally thought.

[Cut to Donnie Chestnut and Kittle Diddles]

Donnie Chestnut: Again, Rick, I don’t want to speculate as to how serious it is without official word.

Kittle Diddles: Let me break it down for you. I tell you how bad it is. [Kittle Diddles takes over the mic and goes towards Chloe] This teenage white elf girl ran out to me, a black elf in sweat pants and asked her to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is.

Chloe: My friends are still in there.

Kittle Diddles: Girl, they dead. Where’s Santa? That’s what I want to know. Santa supposed to be here and he’s no where to be found. Christmas is canceled.

Donnie Chestnut: No, it’s not. Please do not announce that, sir. Thanks for the info. What’s your name again in.

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay, well responses are already pouring in from the magical being community, The tooth ferry via Instagram moments ago. Wings heavy with despair this evening. Sending my thoughts and prayers to the North pole. Some moving words there.

Kittle Diddles: That bitch sounds crazy! We don’t need thoughts and prayers. How about some guns and ammunition? More bears are coming. And they’re eating. We’re up here. We’re defenseless and small and we’re adorable and we’re chew-able.

Donnie Chestnut: Okay. Thank you, sir. We’re good with you. Oh, Rick! [Cecily walks in] Here comes an elf who just emerged from the workshop. Mam!

Cecily: Santa knew. He knew that fence was old and he didn’t replace it because it cost Cecily,000 more gum drops then a wanted. Our pepper mint blood is one your hands.

Kittle Diddles: Listen to this sexy ass elf right here. When polar bear are in town, the fattest man in the north pole is nowhere to be found. He’s MIA, pretty convenient. Don’t you think? We’re just scratching at the surface of this thing. #Santanew.

Donnie Chestnut: Oh, don’t say things like that. Thank you very much. And what is your name again?

Kittle Diddles: It don’t matter what my name is. It don’t matter.

Donnie Chestnut: It does matter for our viewers, please.

Kittle Diddles: All right. My name is Kittle Diddles. I don’t like my name. That’s why I don’t like to say.

Donnie Chestnut: Well, thank you Kiddle Diddles. Wait! Rick, I think I hear something. I think it is singing.

Kittle Diddles: Hey, that ain’t no damn singing. That’s a bear!

Scarlett Johansson Holiday Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Tweezel… Aidy Bryant

Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[band is playing music]

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.

Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.

Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.

Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.

Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—

[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]

Well—what is this?

Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!

Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?

Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.

[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]

Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]

Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.

Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.

ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.

[Cut to 1]

Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.

[Beck Bennet walks in]

Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?

Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.

Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?

Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.

[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]

Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]

Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.

Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.

Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.

[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]

Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Scarlett.

Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—

[Colin Jost walks in]

Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.

Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?

Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.

Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.

Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.

Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.

[Michael Che leaves]

Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.

Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.

Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?

Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.

Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?

Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.

[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]

Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.

Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.

[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]

Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?

Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]

Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?

Nick Fury: Please, please.

Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.

Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.

Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.

Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!

Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.

Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.

Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage]
Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Office Apology

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Linda Pillard… Scarlett Johansson

Mikey Day

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Amanda… Cecily Strong

David… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man announcing in his office]

Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

[Cut to the employees applausing]

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Thank god.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

[Cut to the employees]

Everybody: Awe.

Janet: Not Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

[Linda Pillard and Charlie comes out]

Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, you think?

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.

Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you’re still a rude ass bitch. And that’s why you’re getting fired.

[all employees clap]

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, hey. All right. Let’s keep it clean.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.

David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

[Cut to the employees]

David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.

[the employees clap]

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.

David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

David:  Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What?

Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.

Janet: We all did. It was a partly.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.

Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.

Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.

Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

Linda Pillard: What? You’re disgusting.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Oh, just take compliment.

David: Yeah, he’s just being sweet.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I did go too far. Is that why I’m getting fired?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Actually, that has nothing to do with why you’re getting fired. HR says your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, you notice that.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Yeah. And you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, all right. So it did work.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Also a woman who identified herself as her wife spray painted cheater on the company van thinking it was yours.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Well, I guess what happens in DeKado comes back nine months later.

 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Cecily Strong

Santa Claus… Beck Bennett

Dad… Mikey Day

Mom… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a girl looking at her mother and Santa kissing]

[music playing]

Cecily: ♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
♪underneath the mistletoe last night
♪she didn’t see me creep downstairs to have a peak
♪she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

♪oh, what a laugh it would have been
♪if daddy had only seen
♪mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
♪turns out that kissing mom had Santa Claus

[Cut to Mikey watching Scarlett and Santa kissing]

♪underneath the mistletoe that night
♪I thought that he’d be mad
♪or just be kind of sad
♪but he just sat there watching them and only said,

Dad: Not bad.

Cecily: ♪By now, I can tell that Santa Claus

[Santa backing off from kissing]

♪regretted getting himself mixed up in this
♪he said that he should probably roll
♪but mommy said

Mom: No, wait, asshole!

Cecily: ♪He had done half the stuff that was in the posting on Craiglist
♪but Santa said they’d better pay in full
♪or he’d tell the friends what they did behind closed doors

[Mikey strangles the Santa]

♪I couldn’t believe my eyes
♪my mom and dad just killed some guy
♪then I realized the chokehold was just part of the script—
♪and then Santa stood up and thanked them both

♪and asked them if they were both satisfied
♪mom and dad said they had a blast
♪and gave him thousand cash
♪and walked him to his Nissan parked right outside

[Cut to Cecily laying in bed]

♪then I laid in bed thinking about
♪how much I really don’t know mom and dad
♪but the weirdest thing I think
♪isn’t my parents kink

♪it’s the fact that I sat watching them for as long as I have
♪oh, well, I guess we all need to have a thing
♪mine seems to be watching people private life
♪and at least now that I know
♪I can keep it under control
♪that my mommy kissed Santa Claus last night

Hot Tub Christmas

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

Big Jim… Niall Horan

[Starts with a clip of Radisson hotel]

Chris: Honey, come on. The coast is clear.

[Cut to Chris and Ego in a indoor pool]

Ego: Oh, my gosh! This is so crazy. The sign says it’s after hours for the hot tub

Chris: Yeah, well. It also says you can’t go in if you’ve had diarrhea in the past two weeks.

Ego: What are you implying, mister?

Chris: You know you did. Now, get in here rule breaker.

Ego: Okay, you are going to get us kicked out of the Radisson select.

[unknown laughter]

Ego: Honey what is that?

[Two women’s spirit appear]

Cecily: Hi, y’all.

Scarlett: Hi.

Chris: Are you spirits?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh, you mean like ghosts? Yeah.

Scarlett: Yeah, go ahead. Put your hand through my face.

[Cut to everybody. Ego tries tries to touch Scarlett]

Scarlett: Ah! I’m kidding.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Honey, I bet they’re gonna teach us some kind of Christmas lesson.

Chris: Yeah, like show us the error of our ways.

Ego: Like that classic Christmas story.

Chris: Oh yeah, what was it? Like the Muppet Christmas carol?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh gosh. I wish. I love Muppets.

Scarlett: No, we’re just two dead strippers that get to haunt this hot tub every Christmas.

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: You’re strippers?

Scarlett: We were.

Cecily: We’re dead now.

Scarlett: Yeah. We worked at Big Jim’s Jug, Rug and Tug Join across the street from the family chicken restaurant.

[cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: So, how did you two pass?

Ego: Honey, that’s rude.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: No, it’s okay. There’s a song about it.

[music playing]

It was Christmas at the strip club

Cecily: Back in Chris97Cecily

Both: Big Jim closed up early

so we could trim the stripper tree

Scarlett: We gathered all our pasties

and set them on each limb

Both: Then big Jim made his annual joke

about getting Christmas trim

Cecily: We took our Christmas Quaaludes

Scarlett: having fun just hanging round

Both: we said is it safe to swim on qualudes

there is only one way to find out

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Oh, it’s starting to sound like they did something dumb.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: So, we sneaked into this hot tub

Cecily: On this crystal Christmas night

Both: We said let’s do something funny

and have chicken fight

Cecily: I got on the bottom

Scarlett: And I got on the top.

[Spirit of Niall Horan appears]

Bim Jim: And I got up on both of them

while they both just shouted stop.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Who are you?

Bim Jim: I’m big Jim.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Big?

Scarlett: No, no. It’s a funny name.

Cecily: Yeah, like when you call a big fat guys, Tiny.

Ego: Okay, so you’re dead too?

Chris: Honey?

Bim Jim: I don’t mind it. It’s in the song.

Scarlett: Yeah, let’s get back to it.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Bim Jim: So, I sat on top of the chicken

but it felt like something was wrong

Then I noticed the girls went under

but they were down there far too long

Both: So we popped out of the water

to play a joke on Jim

All: But our forehead hit Jim’s forehead

and we all sunk down again

then we had a staring contest

underneath the hot tub foam

but we swallowed too much water

and now this hot tub is our forever home

Cecily: Did you get what happened in the song?

Scarlett: We drowned in.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: So the three of you drowned having staring contest?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Scarlett: Yeah. I guess so. We was just having a good time.

Cecily: That’s the meaning of friendship.

Bim Jim: And hey, isn’t friendship what Christmas is all about?

Scarlett: Hey, don’t y’all ever forget that.

[The clock bell rings]

Well, it’s almost midnight.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: What happens then?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Then it’s Christmas and we go back to hell.

Scarlett: Yeah, we only get the one night. Anyway, before we go—

All: [singing]

so here’s out Christmas lesson

the afterlife is long

but we all have to go so why not go with friends

and you’ll never be alone

[song ends]

Scarlett: Oh! And one more thing. That diarrhea you’re having right now, it’s because you’re pregnant.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Oh, honey.

Chris: You’re having diarrhea right now?

Ego: Yes, but we’re going to have a baby.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody]

All: Merry Christmas. Bye.

Ego: Oh! I guess they taught us something after all.

Chris: Did they?

Ego: We found out I’m pregnant.

Chris: I would like to get a real doctor to establish that, but hey, get over here. Merry Christmas. I love you.

Ego: I love you, too.

 

Another Translator

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with three scientists in their lab]

Kyle: On behalf of Inotech research, we’d like to welcome you back to the testing lab.

Mikey: We know our last presentation of X5 mind reading device was not exactly successful.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: No, it was not. It was bad.

Cecily: Very bad.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes, we are aware. Rest assured that all the glitches have been fixed. At last we’ll be able to accurately read the thoughts of common household pets.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Heard that before.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Now, today’s test subject is my own dog, Max.

[Cut to a pug with a device hat on his head]

So, with your permission let’s begin.

[Cut to everybody]

[The scientists are working on their devices]

Mikey: We have mind link.

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, can you hear me?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Woof, woof! Just kidding! It’s me, Max.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: How are you feeling?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Great.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Why is that Max?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Because Trump is getting impeached.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! That’s better.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Too bad it means he’s going to get reelected for sure. Good job, dummies!

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, no. Where did you hear that?

[Cut to Max]

Max: On fox news. Your parents let me watch when they baby sit me.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Oh, my god. That’s not true. There’s a mountain of evidence against trump.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And name one conservative whose mind has been changed by any of it. Oh, right. You don’t know any.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: I know conservatives. My cousin Tina.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, right. Tina, that you blocked on all social media accounts. You’re real close.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: All right, what is going on with that dog?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Nothing. He’s fine. Max, people have no reason to think that Trump is a good president.

[Cut to Max]

Max: [coughs] The economy. [coughs] Unemployment. [coughs] Stockmarket. Sorry, my Kennel cough is coming up.

[Cut to the scientists]

Mikey: Yikes! Burn!

Scarlett: Max, Trump is a crook.

[Cut to Max]

Max: No Doubt. But he’s playing a game the democrats don’t even know the rules to. And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen here but he’s winning.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max, you’re just a dog. You don’t even know what we are talking about. You eat your own poop.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And you ate pizza crust out of the garbage last night. She thought she was being good by throwing it away and ten minutes later she’s digging for it.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: We have no choice but to impeach. He’ll try to steal the next election.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Like you stole my testicles? I’m still mad about that. Here’s an actual experiment. Everyone say out loud the democratic hopeful they’re most excited about.

[The people are not sure of any candidate]

[Cut to Max]

Max: Yeah. Terrific. Can’t wait for November.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max. That’s enough. You’re just pretending you still like Trump because you’re too embarrassed to admit how awful he is.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, is Rachel Maddow in the room? Please, lecture me some more. It’s working.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Hey, Maddow is America’s sweetheart, you dumb pug.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Don’t you worry that history will look back on this moment and we’ll be embarrassed?

[Cut to Max]

Max: If you want to talk embarrassing history, let’s look at your web browser.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Both: Oh!

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: Max, you’re my best friend. I had no idea you felt like this.

Max: Well, you tend to do all the talking in the relationship.

Scarlett: No more Fox news. But I hear what you’re saying. Shake and  make up?

Max: Sure.

Scarlett: Well, that concludes our presentation. What did you think?

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Hated it.

Alex: Funding revoked.

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: No, please, wait, let’s try other test sub. Fire up the machine.

[Cut to a piglet]

Piglet: Tulsi Gabbard, 2020!

Scarlett: Dammit!

American Households Cold Open

Snowman… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Bowen Yang

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Heidy Gardner

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Greta Thunberg… Kate McKinnon

[starts with a cartoon picture of a snow man and the states map picture of the USA]

[Cut to the snowman]

Snowman: Well, well, well, it’s almost Christmas. And folks in America seem more divided than every. But if we listen in to some dinner conversations tonight, I bet we’d find out we have more in common than we realize. Now we can listen. I hacked into three nest home cams. Take a look.

[Cut to a home in San Francisco, California]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Cecily: I’m so happy everyone flew here for the holidays. And I’m even more happy that they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.
Melissa: Mom, come on. We said no politics tonight.

[Cut to Speaker 4 and Speaker 5]

Kyle: I don’t know what took them so long. Trump is a criminal.

Kevin: He violated the constitution. There has to be consequences.

[Cut to Speaker 3]

Melissa: Here we go.

[Cut to a home in Charleston, South Carolina]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Beck: Well, they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.

Mikey: Dad, stop.

Beck: I’m sorry, it’s a disgrace. What crime did he even commit?

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Heidi: I guess the crime of being an alpha male who actually gets things done.

Mikey: Okay!

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: The democrats lost the election. Now, they’re attempting a coup.

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Mikey: Alright, here we go.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

[Cut to a family having dinner]

Chris: Dad, come on. You’re going to rile everybody up.

Kenan: What? I’m just asking. Do you guys think “Bad Boys 3” is gonna be good or not? I mean, it’s got to be good. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence back together.

Ego: Yeah, but is Martin Lawrence still Martin Lawrence?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, you not too old to get a spanking! That’s Martin Lawrence you talking about.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I hate to say this, but can we please talk about politics, instead?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, you mean how Trump is definitely getting impeached and then definitely getting reelected? I’m good.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: I just don’t understand who on earth could vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Heidi: How could anyone not vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Who you think is gonna get voted off “The Masked Singer” next week? I think it’s the Fox.

Ego: You mean Wayne Brady?

Kenan: What? It’s obvious Jamie Foxx. Fox. Jamie Fox. It almost makes too much sense. I bet you Jamie Fox could beat Trump.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dad, Trump’s not gonna win. People aren’t gonna vote for him again.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What people? White people? If white people tell you, “I might not vote for Trump this time,” You know what that’s called right? A lie. Nobody was gonna vote for Trump in 2016 either, and then guess who did? Everybody. Now see, you got me all worked up. I need drink.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Well, I just need to say this, okay? If Obama did half the stuff Trump did, he would be in jail already.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: The fact is Obama did way worse stuff than Trump ever did and they didn’t impeach him.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Can you believe they didn’t kill Obama? I thought they was going to kill him for sure.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Mikey: Guys, maybe we should put on some Christmas music to help everybody relax?

Beck: Maybe you’re right.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Alexa, play “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Alexa, play the politically correct version of “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Alexa, play “Santa Claus is coming to town by Michael Jackson.”

Chris: Dad!

Kenan: All right, all right. Play “Santa Claus is coming to town” by the Jackson 5.

Chris: That’s better.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: I mean, I don’t like all the democratic candidates but, I’d take any of them over four more years of Trump.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: I don’t agree with everything Trump is doing, but he’s way better than any of those democrats.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: You know who I’m starting to like a lot? That Pete Buttigieg. [everybody laughing]

Ego: Okay, okay, dad, that’s a good one.

Chris: You should have seen your face.

Kenan: You should have seen your face.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Oh, my god. I just got a notification. I tweeted a photo of Trump’s head on the body of a Charmin bear, and he didn’t realize it was a joke and he retweeted it. [laughing]

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Oh, my god, I tweeted that Nancy Pelosi was a libtard commie and Trump retweeted it and he nominated me to be a federal judge.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Oh, my god! Cory Booker just retweeted me and nobody noticed.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: Hey, why don’t we all say a secular blessing of thanks. Kevin, you want to lead us?

Kevin: I’d love to. Dear gender neutral spirits.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Dear white original American Jesus—

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Dear historically correct black Jesus.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Thank you for no more kneeling in the NFL. That was very hard for me.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Thank you, lord, for the not one, not two, but three black quarterbacks who have beat Tom Brady this season. Colin Kaepernick, you move in mysterious ways.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Thank you for the super bowl halftime show and that’s it.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Everybody: A-women!

[Cut to the snow man]

Snowman: Now, those three families may seem different but you see, they have one important thing in common. They live in states where their votes don’t matter, because none of them live in the three states that will decide the election. They’ll debate the issues all year long, but then it all comes down to a thousand people in Wisconsin who won’t even think about the election until the morning of. And that’s the magic of electoral college.

[Greta Thunberg walks in]

Great Thunberg: My name is Greta Thunberg. And I also have a Christmas message. In ten years, this snowman won’t exist. Her home will be a puddle. Santa, reindeer, the north pole, all of it, gone. The ice caps will melt and the elves will drown.

Snowman: Greta!

Greta Thunberg: What? You said keep it light. So merry, maybe our last Christmas to all and Donald Trump, step to me and I will come at you like plastic straw comes at a turtle. I cannot believe I’m saying this to a 70 year old man, but grow up.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Barry’s Bootcamp

Ted… Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Amber… Bowen Yang

Patron… Jennifer Lopez

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Cora… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with few people stretching to work out]

Ted: So, this is Barry’s Bootcamp? Huh?

Ego: Yes. I come here all the time. It’s intense. But it’s fun.

Ted: Well, it’s an interesting first date.

Ego: Date? My mom is marrying your dad.

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: Okay. What’s good, Barry’s Bootcamp? Welcome to trainer audition. Today you will help decide who gets hired and who has to make the smoothies. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: We’re excited.

Ego: No, Ted. Be small.

[Cut to Amber working out]

Amber: Hey, hey, Barry’s Bootcamp, Ellis Island. My name is Amber. And I’m here because I’m not quick. OJ Simpson got caught because he gave up. Dumbass. All he had to do was keep driving. Like, I drive myself everyday to do better, be stronger and turn my penis into a bicep. Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Penis into a bicep? What is he talking about?

Ego: It’s boot camp. They’re trying to pump us up. Do the exercise.

[Cut to Patron working out]

Patron: My name is Patron and I am here to get your hatch snatched. When I was born, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk. My parents had to carry me everywhere. Pathetic. But I overcame all those obstacles and look at me today. Shredded, talking. You have to ask yourself, are you a ford? Or are you a Ferrari? I choose both. Vroom! Vroom! Let’s go.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: Where do you get those thingies?

Ego: You mean the weights? They’re next to you.

[Cut to Cecily working out]

Cecily: Pop on! Boot camp! I’m here to help you push yourselves. Just like I pushed my boyfriend to get a vasectomy. Now he only wears condom to be funny. Jealous? Come on. I want your blood, sweat, tears and little tooth.

[Cut to the people working out]

Ted: You know what? She was looking at me when she said tooth.

Ego: That’s because you are tooting, Ted? It’s thick, and there are no windows.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I think my sheer talent is enough to overcome them. Two years ago I was diagnosed as dyslexic. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out. Patrol walks in.]

Patron: It’s all about accountability, people. I’m going to hover by someone [Cut to Patrol staring at Ego] who’s being lazy as hell.

Ego: Me?

Patron: How do you think you get this way? I haven’t had a car since I was a baby.

[Cut to Beck working out]

Beck: Hello! I am beef! Let’s push through the pain. Have you ever been cheated on? It sucks. Just ask my girlfriend. I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Now, grab those kettle bells. Let’s go!

[Cut to the people working out]

Patron: Hop, oh god! Hop, oh god! Fupa in the air! and hop, oh god!

[Cut to Cora working]

Cora: Me now! My whole life, I want to be creative. Only one problem, I’m too stupid. But then I discovered Barry’s Bootcamp and I got toned and fit. And finally booked a role. That rule? Wife. My name? Cora. Let go.

[Amber walks in and Cora leaves]

Amber: Ding dong. Anybody home? Hey, I don’t let anything stop me. Just like my man Oscar Pistorius. No legs, no problem. He still murdered his girlfriend and a friend. Look, I’m all about results. Search results. I googled my dad every day. Where is he? Let’s go.

[Patrol walks in. Chloe leaves]

Patron: Let’s take it to the finish line. You can make your dreams come true. Mine did. The one where all my teeth fell out. A wise woman once said, “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You’d better work, bitch!” That woman? Mother Teresa. Let’s go.

[Chloe, Amber, Beck, Cecily and Cora join in.]

Chloe: We did it! Congratulations!

Amber: Wow, we’re all getting hired?

Chloe: No. We’re done. She’s getting hired and you’re Mr. Smoothie.

Amber: Yeah, that makes sense.