Tag: Cecily Strong

Anthony Coleman Takes Another Puppet Class

Alex… Taran Killam

George… Bobby Moynihan

Maryland… Cecily Strong

Anthony Peter Coman… Bill Hader

[Starts with a notice board.]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to puppetry for advanced students. [Cut to a puppet class] You all have some experience with puppets. [Cut to Alex] So, we’re gonna be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive. Um, my name is Alex [he puts up his puppet] and this guy is Wigglesby.

Wigglesby: And I’m a jolly old chap, aren’t I? Chum?

Alex: [laughing] You sure are. Now lets hear from you guys.

[Cut to George]

George: I’m George.

[George puts up his puppet]

Herman the Hippie: And I’m Herman the Hippie, wavy, gravy, man!

George: Look, I didn’t finish my puppet.

[Cut to Alex.]

Alex: You’ll have time. Alright? How about you?

[Cut to Maryland]

Maryland: I’m Maryland. This is the one thing I do each week for me. [she puts up her puppet]And This is old Mrs. Hooper.

Mrs. Hooper: I’m having a little trouble keeping up. What’s Google?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I can see, she’s a handful. [laughing] And you

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He’s wearing aviators and military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: [talks in deep voice seriously] My name is Anthony Peter Coman, private first class, operation urgent fury, recipient of the Purple Heart, pending, pending for the review.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Uh-huh. Okay. And your puppet’s name?

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He puts up his puppet. His puppet is also wearing aviators and a military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: Tony.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Okay. Let’s go ahead and hear from Tony.

Anthony Peter Coman: [Anthony Peter Coman looking at Tony] Go ahead, tell them.

Tony: It was a hot night in Grenada. The enemy was in the trees. the mud, everywhere. Sarge Sig called in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed. Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire. It was like a cook out. And we were the meet. I used my best friend as an umbrella.

Alex: Okay, alright! Wow! [Cut to Alex] Wow! Um, well actually, one thing I like to is start off with a little joke. You like jokes, don’t you Wigglesby?

Wigglesby: Not as much as I like tea and crambits.

Alex: You guys go ahead and give it a try.

[Cut to George]

Herman the Hippie: Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? They’re longer than my hair, man!

George: I swear, I have the hair at home.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: It’s alright. It’s completely fine. Alright? Do you have a joke for us Mrs. Hooper?

[Cut to Maryland]

Mrs. Hooper: My grand daughter sent me a little picture of a snowman. She calls it an emoji. I call it a waste of time.

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: If I had to use emojis to describe my time at Grenada, it would be palm tree, flame thrower, baby, flame thrower, mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.

Alex: Okay! Okay! [Cut to Alex] Tony, we’re telling jokes now.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Here’s a joke. God!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Um, alright. Actually, something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves. Like, Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: The opposite of me? Okay.

Tony: I was not charged with war crimes. My favorite game is not Russian Roulette. I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.

Alex: No, no! [Cut to Alex] I don’t think– I guess I mean like, even a different type of character. Different voice.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: Okay.

Tony: [In French accent.] My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume. Bonjour.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Yayy! Yes, that’s fun. Tell us about Jacqueline.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Jacqueline was my undercover identity. Ragen and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the general. It was a honey pot, a sex trap. I did what I had to do.

[Anthony Peter Coman takes smokes a cigarette but Tony breathes out the smoke.]

[Cut to Alex looking shocked]

Alex: Um, now when you’re building your puppet’s personality, you wanna think about who your audience will be. So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets.

[Cut to George]

George: Well, I know this might be a bit cliche, but I always dreamed of one day I would work on Sesame street.

Herman the Hippie: [singing] Can you tell me how to get–

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: [singing] How to get nightmares to stop.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, Anthony, enough! Okay? You need help.

[Cut to puppet Tony shaking. He’s listening voices saying ‘help, help, help’ from the war.]

[Cut to the past where two puppets are walking in the jungle.]

Washington: Thanks for the help, Anthony.

Anthony: No problem, Washington. While you’re with me, everything will be A– Stop!

[Cut to Washington’s leg triggering a mine and it exploding.]

Anthony: No!

[Cut to Washington in Anthony’s arm]

Washington: [coughing] Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already?

Anthony: Yeah, that’s snow. It’s not your damn stuffing. [screaming] Washington!

[Cut to puppet Tony holding Alex’s puppet in his hand]

Alex: Okay, let’s take five, sounds good?

[Everybody agrees]

Joan Rivers

Sasheer Zamata

Ms. Joan Rivers… Sarah Silverman

Richard Pryor… Jay Pharoah

Steve Jobs… Kyle Mooney

Elizabeth Taylor… Cecily Strong

Ben Franklin… Bobby Moynihan

Freddie Mercury… Adam Levine

Lucille Ball… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of the clouds.]

Sasheer: Attention everyone. [Cut to celestial stage. Sasheer is standing in the middle.] I have some big news. [Cut to Sasheer] We’ve just received the word that one of the greats has joined us here on this celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of heaven, please welcome Ms. Joan Rivers.

[Cut to the celestial stage. Everyone is clapping.]

[Ms. Joan Rivers walks in to the middle]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you. Oh, hello, hello, hello, hello. Heaven, are you serious? I guess maybe I should be here. I’m practically a virgin. Last time someone was inside me, it was Malissa. [Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor and Steve Jobs] You know what I’m talking about, uh! Oh! my old friend, Richard Pryor.

[Cut to Richard Pryor]

Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don’t hold nothing back, y’all know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers and Richard Pryor]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants. I don’t wanna say Richard fooled around. But the longest relationship we ever had was with multiple sclerosis. [Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing] Oh! Grow up!

[Cut to Richard Pryor]

Richard Pryor: God damn! Okay, y’all laughing at that? Huh? Y’all can kiss ass.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here. Steve Jobs is here. [Cut to Steve Jobs] Uh! [Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers] Steve, I hope you are forced to buy a new and better casket every six months so you can see how we feel, am I right?

So many beautiful people are here. My gorgeous friend Elizabeth Taylor. [Cut to Elizabeth Taylor] What a legend. You look so young Liz. [cut to Ms. Joan Rivers] Thank god, Liz. Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Everybody.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing.]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Look at there. I’m killing with Ben Franklin over here.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing.]

[Cut to everybody]

Hey, Ben! Where did you get that outfit? Forever SasheerFreddie MercuryMs. Joan RiversSasheer? Oh, come on! Ben loves me. Hey, Ben! Something tells me that those bifocals aren’t the only thing bi about you.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing hard.]

Ben Franklin: I don’t know what that means.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you Freddie Mercury. [Cut to Freddie Mercury on his yellow flashy jacket.] You’re so skinny with that hugs mustache. You look like

a gay broom.

Freddie Mercury: You know, wonderful, darling. Wonderful! Mama-mia, mama-mia.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you serious? You’re so gay, even your teeth aren’t straight.

[Cut to Ben Franklin laughing hard.]

Ben Franklin: I still don’t understand.

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: So many greats here. So many. Lucille Ball, you’re comedy legend.

[Cut to Lucille Ball]

Lucille Ball: And?

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory, wasn’t Lucy hilarious in that? Stuffing chocolate in mouth. You stuff more chocolate down your throat than the Kardashians. It’s just–

[Cut to everybody. Everyone is laughing.]

Oh! Grow up! Grow up!

[Cut to Lucille Ball]

Lucille Ball: Well, I knew what’s –[stops speaking]

[Cut to Ms. Joan Rivers]

Ms. Joan Rivers: Listen, people. Comedy is here to make us laugh and to deal with things. So, open the gates. Let me in here. And let’s get this show started. So, thank you. You’re wonderful. Good night.

[Cut to everybody clapping]

Forgotten Television Gems

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Miss Mondre… Cecily Strong

Monica… Sarah Silverman

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Rosa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon. I’m Reese De’What. Welcome to the Forgotten TV Gems. Today, we look back at the short lived soap opera “Supported Women”. The first serial drama to break away from the soap opera cliche of Katty, backstabbing female character. And instead of present women as nurturing and empathetic. Audiences tuned in and whatever the opposite of droves is. Why did they not tune in? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she did today. And I said, “I don’t know. Sit your ass into the car.” Worst anniversary ever.

Let’s watch a scene from a “Supportive Women” now.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Two women are standing in office.]
Miss Mondre: Monica, you’ve made quite an impression in the short time you’ve been here.

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Thank you Ms. Mondre. I enjoy the work that I do.

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Well, if you’re not careful, you’ll work yourself to death. Say, did I just hear a knock at the door?

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica. Monica looks away at the door while Miss Mondre puts something in Monica’s glass of water.]

Monica: Well, I don’t think so.

Miss Mondre: Oh, my mistake. Well, here you go. [Miss Mondre gives the glass of water to Monica]

[Monica takes the glass and drinks the water]

Monica: This isn’t just water, is it?

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Not quite. And the effects should be kicking in right about now.

[Cut to Monica choking]

Monica: I feel, [chokes again] better!

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Yeah, it’s emergency because I noticed you were coughing earlier.

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica]

Monica: Thank you. That is so sweet.

Miss Mondre: Well, you’re welcome.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Miss Mondre looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Isn’t that weird? Women being nice and not hurtful to each other. Audiences clearly would have rather seen that white boss lady grabbed that other girl by her weave and jack-smack her across the lobby and into the break room. And that is a review quote from Variety magazine. The big one. The one that comes out on the weekends that recaps everything.

Here’s another scene from “Supportive Women.”

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Taran is holding Monica from the back in the office.]

Taran: I need you. Kiss me.

Monica: I can’t. You’re married to my best friend.

[Cut to Aidy walking in on them]

Aidy: What’s going on in here?

[Cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Your husband tried to kiss me but I said no.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And I believe you.

[cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re welcome, girlfriend.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Aidy looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut to Taran looking confused]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? Even that man in the scene comprehend the way these women were acting towards each other. Women are instinctively awful to each other. Yesterday, I saw a gal trip another gal and called her an old pig just because she had the same iPhone case. I think that’s what she said. It happened kind of, far away. Here’s one last very dramatic scene from “Supportive women.” Enjoy.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Monica has a gun in her hand.]

Monica: It’s all going to be better soon. Ha-ha-ha-ha. She won’t know what hit her.

[Cut to Rosa holding a mop]

Rosa: Miss, what are you doing in here?

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: [pointing a gun at Rosa] Don’t move, Rosa. Stay right where you are.

[Cut to Rosa being scared.]

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Because I have a gun I wanna give you. I know you live in a crappy neighborhood. I’d feel terrible if anything happened to you. You’re such a cool chic.

[Cut to Rosa smiling]

Rosa: Thank you. I’ll use that gun in my neighborhood for sure. What a considerate gift.

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it. Here.

[Monica mistakenly pulls the trigger and shoots Rosa]

[Monica holds Rosa]

Monica: Rosa, it was a mistake.

Rosa: I know that dummy. Don’t give it a second thought. You were just trying to be nice. Just all me an ambulance. I’ll be fine. You smell good.

Monica: Aw, gracious.

Rosa: Bienvenida.

[Rosa dies in Monica’s arms.]

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face]

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: That character died with a smile on her face. I do not know why. Do not ask me those things. This is not why I’m here. Not at this stage in the game. Thank you for watching Forgotten Television Gems. I have been Reese De’What. Good night.

 

Worst Vet Office Ever

Cecily Strong

Chris Prtt

Kate McKinnon

Mrs. Taylor… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Sentoro… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Thompson… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of animal hospital]

Cecily: Oh, my god! My hair is not doing what I wanted to do today.

[Cut to Cecily, Chris and Kate behind the counter.]

Chris: Me neither. My hair as dry as a little triscuit.

Kate: My hair is like soup on a plate. It just ain’t right.

Cecily: Okay, well, let’s get to work because if we don’t do it, it’s gonna do us.

Kate: Okay. Now, hand me my clipboard. Thank you. Mrs. Taylor?

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Oh that’s me.

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Now, you’re writing on your pet guinea pig, Mrs. Wonderful?

Chris: I can’t tell. I just love that name. And she has lived up to it Chris00%.

[Cut to Mrs. Taylor]

Mrs. Taylor: Thank you. Are they bringing her out now?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: They are ma’am. She will be out here in just a moment.

[Cut to Cecily and Mrs. Taylor]

Cecily: And we just want to let you know that when they do bring her out here, she will be dead.

Mrs. Taylor: What? Mrs. Wonderful is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yes, ma’am. But please don’t worry. She did go very slowly.

Mrs. Taylor: She was here for a toe-nail trim.

Kate: Oh, we know. And her nails look great!

Chris: But she is dead.

Cecily: Okay, so I’m just gonna need to sign these papers.

Mrs. Taylor: Okay, what are these papers for?

Chris: It just says that your guinea pig died and that you know that.

Cecily: Okay, so right here it says, do you know it? We’re gonna need you to print the English word, ‘Yes’.

Mrs. Taylor: Well, can I at least say goodbye.

Cecily: Well, look at you. Of course you can. Come here. [Cecily hugs Mrs. Taylor] Oh, my gosh!

[Chris hugs Mrs. Taylor]

Chris: I’ll miss you so much.

Kate: Bye, bye now.

Mrs. Taylor: I don’t believe this.

[Mrs. Taylor walks away]

Cecily: I really like her. She seemed like a new person.

[Mr. Sentoro walks in]

Mr. Sentoro: Excuse me, hi. I just came to check on my parrot.

Kate: Oh, hello. Are you Mr. Sentoro?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: Yes, thank you so much for taking her on such short notice.

[cut to Kate and Chris]

Chris: Well, your parrot has been a dream.

Kate: Were you the one who taught her how to say ‘Pizza, pizza’?

[Cut to Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: [laughing] I wish. No. She learned that from TV.

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Cute. Well, she’s been saying that all day long.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Cecily: She has. Pizza, pizza. Those were her last words.

Mr. Sentoro: What?

[Cut to Chris and Kate]

Chris: Pizza, pizza. And then nothing.

[Cut to Cecily and Mr. Sentoro]

Mr. Sentoro: What do you mean?

Cecily: Your bird is dead and we need you to fill out this form.

Mr. Sentoro: How did she die?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: I’m afraid she was birdered!

Mr. Sentoro: What?

Chris: That is what happens when a bird is murdered.

Mr. Sentoro: This can’t be happening.

Cecily: I know. I am so sorry. Okay, so we just need you to sign this form. It says, “My pet was birdered and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Mr. Sentoro: This is the worst vet hospital I’ve ever been in.

Cecily: What? [Mr. Sentoro runs away] Well, I think he took that pretty good. Mr. Thompson, you waiting to see the doctor?

[Mr. Thompson walks in]

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. I think my turtle has a rash.

Chris: I can see it. Poor baby. Hey, I’m gonna take him to the doctor, okay?

[Chris takes the turtle away]

Cecily: I bet it won’t take long.

[Chris walks back in in with a hospital bed with Mr. Thompson’s turtle covered with a white cloth.]

Chris: Okay, we’re back, I just need you to identify the body.

[Cut to Mr. Thompson]

Mr. Thompson: What? My turtle is dead?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate: Well, hang on. Let me see. [Kate knocks the turtle shell] I knocked and nobody is home.

Cecily: So, I’m just gonna need you to sign this form. It says, “They bundled my turtle in a little blanket and they gave it to me and I left.”

Mr. Thompson: I can’t believe my turtle’s dead.

Chris: Oh, believe it. [Chris throws the white cloth away and starts shaking the turtle.] Here you go.

Mr. Thompson: This is inexcusable.

[Mr. Thompson takes the turtle from Chris]

Kate: Well, at least you know he wasn’t turtered. That’s when turtles get murdered.

Cecily: Well, we know that. Alright, y’all. You know what? I need a drink.

Kate: Me too.

Chris: Me too, three.

Cecily: Okay, you know, you are crazy.

[Cecily, Chris and Kate wear hats and walk out.]

Chris: I know.

He-Man and Lion-O

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

He-man… Chris Pratt

Lion-o… Taran Killam

Sister… Cecily Strong

She-ra… Ariana Grande

[Starts with a clip of blue house]

Kyle: A He-Man action figure? Just what I wanted. [Cut to the dining hall. Kyle and Mom are conversing.] Mom, this has been the best birthday ever. I almost don’t care that none of my classmates came to my party.

Mom: Aw! Well, [Cut to Mom] honey, growing up isn’t easy for anyone. At least, you have your toys.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, but my toys can’t talk. Or sing my songs with me.

We are friends, who dream of love

[cut to Mom bringing a cake to Kyle]

Mom: Oh! Honey, maybe don’t do the song. Okay? Here, why don’t you make your birthday wish and mama’s gonna go up stairs and take a nap, okay? Please don’t bother me sweetheart. Love you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I wish. I wish my toys were alive.

[Kyle blows the candle. The action figures come to life.]

[cheers and applause]

No way! My wish came true. Hi, He-man. I’m Danny.

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

He-man: Danny!

[Kyle points to Lion-o]

Kyle: And you’re Lion-o.

Lion-o: Okay.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: You’re alive!

He-man: Danny! [He-man hits the utensils with his sword]

Lion-o: What is alive?

Kyle: Careful!

Lion-o: Danny, tell us what alive is.

[He-man hits the table with his sword]

He-man: Danny! Stop!

Kyle: Um, I thought this would be a woody and buzz lightyear thing, like, where you guys would know your worlds [Cut to Kyle] and — You guys don’t know anything.

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: [pointing at Danny’s pants] Danny, what are those?
Kyle: These are pants.

Lion-o: Pants?

He-man: Pants? Danny!

Lion-o: Why don’t we have pants?

He-man: [pointing the cake with word] Pants?

Kyle: No, that’s cake.

Lion-o: Why is cake, Danny?

Kyle: You can eat it, see? [Kyle eats a piece of cake]

[Lion-o grabs the cake with his fist and eats]

Lion-o: I like cake.

He-man: Cake? [He-man takes some cake on his finger and eats it]

[Cut to Sister walking in]

Sister: Danny, mom is making me say Happy Birthday to you, so Happy Birthday, okay?

[Cut to He-man and Lion-o]

Lion-o: What was that?

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: That was just my sister.

He-man: I like sister. [He-man runs to the door and hits the door with his face. He doesn’t know how to open the door.]

[Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: I feel good when I see sister. Bring back sister, Danny.

Kyle: You guys are supposed to play with me.

[Cut to He-man]

He-man: [screaming] I want sister! [He-man punches a hole through the wall]

[Cut to Kyle, He-man and Lion-o]

Kyle: Don’t do that.

Lion-o: Give us more cake, Danny. [Lion-o hits the chair] Ah! I touched this [pointing at his underwear] to that part and it felt good. Why?

[Lion-o touches his underwear by himself]

I like it. I like this, Danny. Do this.

[He-man starts touching Lion-o’s underwear, then Lion-o starts touching He-man’s underwear.]

This feels good, Danny. This is good. Good like cake, but different good.

He-man: Oh! This is good.

Lion-o: I want this with the sister.

He-man: Yeah, with the sister.

Lion-o: Where is sister, Danny?

Kyle: Her room’s down the hall.

He-man: Down the hall. [He-man runs through the wall]

[Cut to Kyle and Lion-o]

Lion-o: Now, give me more cake.

Kyle: Hey, there might be some more in there.

[Lion-o pulls the fridge door out and trows it away.]

Lion-o: There is no cake, Danny.

[He-man runs in again]

He-man: Cake?

[Cut to Lion-o]

Lion-o: Did you find sister?

[cut to He-man]

He-man: I found other sister.

[She-ra runs in with a sword]

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Wow! She-ra, you’re alive too?

[cut to She-ra]

She-ra: I heard you guys were doing this!

[Cut to everybody. Everyone except Kyle is touching their underwear.]

Kyle: Can I have a birthday hug?

She-ra: I don’t like hugs. I like this.

[She-ra starts swinging her sword at the stuffs on the table. Then, He-man and Lion-o also start destroying other things.]

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Hey! What is going on in here?

Kyle: No, it’s not my fault, mom. I made a wish.

[Cut to Mom. He-man and Lion-o walk close to Mom]

Lion-o: Mom?

He-man: Hair!

Lion-o: I like mom.

He-man: I like mom too.

Mom: Oh, my sweet meats. Danny, you may have blown out the candle, but mama’s wish done come true. Do you two want to see our hot tub?

He-man: Hmm, hot tub?

Lion-o: Yes, mom! Hot tub. [Lion-o starts touching his underwear again] This feel good mom!

Mom: Oh, I know. And She-ra, come on! I know you’re a freak!

[Cut to everybody leaving but Kyle.]

Cialis Turnt

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Taran opening mirror cabinet and looking for medicine.

Male voice: You’ve dealt with your erectile dysfunction.

[Cut to Taran getting in the room]

Taran: Hi, I’m ready.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in bed]

Cecily Strong: That’s okay. Not tonight.

Male voice: But something’s still missing.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: What’s wrong?

[cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: You’re able to achieve an erection and that’s great. But I need more than that. I need you to get turned.

[drums rolling]

Male voice: Introducing new Cialis Turnt. The only pill that combats your erectile dysfunction [Taran takes the pill] while giving you that unbeatable hip-hop sensation of getting turned.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m about to love you like there’s a roller coaster in my penis.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: What?

[Cut to Taran jumping and dancing to a trap music.]

[song is saying “Everybody get turnt!”]

Male voice: And Cialis Turnt is isn’t just for me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: When I started taking anti depressants, I lost my sex drive. But that’s when I found Turnt. And now, I freak my man crisis.

[Aidy Bryant takes the pill]

[Aidy Bryant is jumping and dancing to the same music]

Male voice: Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sexual activity. [Cut to Taran dancing in a club] Then ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to get Turnt because that’s a whole another thing. If you’re turnt for more than 6 hours, congratulations, you’re not legally Lil’ Wayne. Cialis Turnt, there’s a lot of ecstasy in this.

Booty Rap

Vanessa Bayer

Alberta… Cecily Strong

Sheryl… Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Chris Pratt

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies sitting in a restaurant.]

Vanessa: I am so happy we came out tonight.

Alberta: Girl’s night.

Everybody: Woo!

Sheryl: Um, oh my god! Look at that guy. [Cut to four men on bar booth.]

Vanessa: Oh, he’s cute, Sheryl.

Sasheer: You should go talk to him.

Sheryl: Gosh, I could never. Like, what would I even say?

Alberta: Oh, come on! You’ve seen music videos and movies. You know how to flirt.

Sheryl: Gosh, you’re right Alberta. I’m gonna go.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Hi.

Todd: Hi.

Sheryl: I’m Sheryl. I don’t know how to do this. I’m nervous I guess.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

I’m hot, sticky, gooey and I’m ready to pop
po-put my gushy on your tushy and then spin on the top
with my big fat ass
you know you want it, it’s my big fat ass

Okay, bye.

[Sheryl runs to her friends.]

Was that okay? How was that?

Alberta: You seemed very horny and loud.

Sheryl: That’s good, right?

Vanessa: I think so.

Sheryl: I just– I wish I knew what he was thinking.

[Cut to the men at the bar booth]

Beck: That girl’s so into you. Go back and talk to her.

Todd: Dude, you know me. I don’t know how.

Kyle: Just be confident, like all the guys you see, in that swag.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I’ll give it a shot.

[Todd walks to Sheryl]

Hi.

Sheryl: Hey!

Todd: Gosh! I’m so nervous.

Sheryl: Me too.

Todd: You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel like…

[Todd starts to rap]

dang, girl, I wanna bang that thing
bang, did you go insane?
Go to plow through your panties
like I’m running on diesel
when I open up my jeans
say “Pop goes the weasel”
Pop, pop, goes the weasel
pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel

Alright, bye.

[Todd walks back to his friends]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. Hey, did you just say, ‘Plow through your panties like I’m running on diesel?’

Todd: I guess so.

Bobby: What does that mean?

Todd: I guess, like, I’mma truck that speed through her panties.

Kyle: Wow, really great. Girls love that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I’d say, “Pop goes the weasel.”

Alberta: Very cool, Sheryl.

Sasheer: Go back over there and talk to him.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

Todd: So.. urgh! Tell me about yourself.

Sheryl: Okay. Well I went to Wesley and I double majored in women studies.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

And my big fat ass, ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass
oh, my god! Look at my ass
Look-look-look at my ass
ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass.

What about you? Like, what kind of girls you’re into? You know?

Todd: Um, I guess it’s tough. I guess I’d say I like girls who…

[Todd starts to rap]

drop the ass low, shut the hell up
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
free-free-free-free

You know, I mean, that kind of stuff.

Sheryl: Yeah, that sounds neat.

[Sheryl runs to her friends]

Guys, he said he like girls who shut the hell up.

Alberta: That’s not good, Sheryl. You’re a feminist.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kate]

Kate: But he also mentioned asses and you have one of those.

Vanessa: Am I the only one who thinks Sheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard?

[Cut to the ladies]

Sheryl: But honestly, like, what else do girls even say?

Sasheer: Talk about your family.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Sheryl walks to Todd]

So, I have one brother.

[Sheryl starts to rap]

He’s nine year’s Mikey and he looks like a Viking
he’s got some junker in his trunker so they say he look like me
because I got a big fat ass

[Alberta comes in]

Alberta: Chill! You’re back on the ass stuff again.

Sheryl: Okay.

[Alberta leaves]

Why don’t you tell me more about you?

Todd: [rapping] My name’s Todd and I like that bob
when I bounce that bubble on a curtain raw
when I put at them biscuits, clap them
we can smoke some crack
crack-crack-crack-crack everybody.

[Bobby comes in]

Bobby: Hey, Todd. You’re not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you?

Todd: Is that what I said?

Bobby: Yeah!

[Bobby walks away]

Sheryl: Listen, Todd. I just I want you to know that, um, I’m down to…

[Sheryl starts to rap]

flirt and slurp,
I know you like it when I flurt my wurp

Todd: What were those words?

Sheryl: I don’t know. I just like you a lot.

Todd: Ow, would you like to go on a date sometime?

Sheryl: Oh, ya. I’d love to. I’ll make sure I’ll bring my

[Sheryl starts to rap]

big fat ass
and I will pump it like a…

[all the ladies and gentlemen join by dancing]

Sheryl and Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Women in the Workplace: Dealing with Diversity

Donna Fingerneck… Cecily Strong

Jodi Cork… Kate McKinnon

D’Angelo… Vanessa Bayer

T Harrison… Chris Rock

Aidy Bryant

Todd…Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with intro of “Women in the Workplace”.]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork in their set]

Donna Fingerneck: Welcome. It’s me, Donna Fingerneck.

Jodi Cork: And as always, I’m Jodi Cork. Isn’t it hard being a woman in the workplace in the 1990s?

Donna Fingerneck: Sure can. That’s right. You’re watching. This video series. In previous lessons, you’ve learned how to dress for success, where to cry at work and excusing yourself from an important meeting.

Jodi Cork: Because you have to tinkle, or worse.

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck]

Donna Fingerneck: Today’s tape deals with diversity in the workplace. Have you ever gone to work and had a diverse person try to talk to you and you didn’t know where to look?

[Cut to Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Or have you ever accidentally offended a diverse person so much that you walked into a closet and stayed there the rest of the day? Even though every time someone got their coat, they saw you in there?

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jodi Cork: I have for sure.

Donna Fingerneck: And I did twice. So, I have more than once. Let’s watch this workplace simulation starring D’Angelo Tomae and T Harrison Cartel.

Jodi Cork: Will D’Angelo be able to work around T Harrison’s diversity?

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s view and see.

[Cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

D’Angelo: I wonder who they’ll hire to fill the boss position.

T Harrison: They’ve already done it, and it’s me.

D’Angelo: Oh, no, no. That can’t be right. Let’s start over.

T Harrison: Well, we can’t. I’m here and that’s the way it is. Let’s have a good working relationship.

[T Harrison gives his hand to D’Angelo to shake]

D’Angelo: I don’t know your handshakes. But I’ll try.

[T Harrison does her signature shake with clapping, finger snapping and dancing]

T Harrison: I don’t like that. I’m going to my office to listen to Shawday and try to forget you.

[T Harrison leaves]

[Cut to D’Angelo]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Did you see D’Angela went wrong? She’s over compensating too much. That makes her seem like a nervous bigot.

Jodi Cork: Or more.

Donna Fingerneck: She should make him feel welcome and appreciated by resting his chin on his shoulder and paying him a compliment.

Jodi Cork: Watch now as D’Angela puts this diversity truck in reverse-city.

Donna Fingerneck: See if you can spot the compliments she tells.

[cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

T Harrison: These files have to be filed all the way. You think you can handle that?

D’Angelo: Yes, sir. But first, let me pay you a compliment.

T Harrison: All right, I would like that.

[D’Angelo gets behind T Harrison and puts her chin on T Harrison’s shoulder.]

D’Angelo: Here it is and I mean that. I honestly bet you’re big down there.

T Harrison: Hmm, down there?

D’Angelo: Below your waist band, where your water comes out.

T Harrison: I am big down there. But that’s a stereotype for my wife to deal with. You’re almost fired.

[cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, D’Angela. What a mess. She’s got he’s inks all over her face.

Jodi Cork: She needs to do major damage control and out-diverse him.

Donna Fingerneck: Show up in a wheel chair and tell her you’re a lesbian.

Jodi Cork: But be ready to go through with it, both of it.

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s see if D’Angela can turn her prejudice into preju-dat’s better!

[Cut to Aidy bring D’Angelo to the office on a wheel chair. T Harrison is watching.]

T Harrison: Wow, I didn’t know were a wheel chaired lesbian.

D’Angelo: Yes! For the rest of my life I think. Right honey?

Aidy: You know it.

[Cut to D’Angelo and Aidy kissing]

[Cut to D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy]

T Harrison: Wow. You’re even more diverse than me. You’re promoted.

[Todd walks in]

Todd: [in gay voice] Hey! That promotion was for me.

T Harrison: Sorry Todd.

D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Good job D’Angela and T Harrison. You really taught us something next level terrific.

[Jay walks in and stands behind Donna Fingerneck]

Jay: Hi, ladies.

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, we have to go. Our dates are here. We are biracial couple.

[Beck walks in and puts his hand on Jodi Cork’s shoulder.]

Beck: Hi, sweety!

Jodi Cork: And I don’t do that. Sorry.

Beck: Let’s all blow kisses.

[The couples kiss]

[Ends with an outro]

Chris Christie Defends the Quarantine of Kaci Hickox

Megan… Cecily Strong

Governor Ghris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Kaci Hickox… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Kelly File” intro]

[Cut to in Megan her set]

[cheers and applause]

Megan: Welcome back. Welcome back to The Kelly File. Later in the program undeniable proof that the historical figure Blacula was in fact white. But first, it was a long week for New Jersey governer Chris Christie. First she placed nurse Kaci Hickox in a quarantine even though she had no symptoms of ebola, then quickly reversed that decision when the White House and public opinion turned against him. Governer Christie joins us here today.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, what?

[laughter]

[Cut to Megan and Chris Christie]

Megan: Governor, what do you say to miss Hicoc’s claims that her quarantine was inhumane?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Well, with all due respect Megan, you need to shut the hell up. Miss Hicocs got a tent in a parking lot with her own porta party. In New Jersey, that’s called the luxury condo. Miss Hicocs also had access to the internet and some of the best take out food in Newark. I’m talking about places like Zuckerello’s bar and grill and Cookazella’s bakery and Cowzonum Porium down on roof Kaci Hickox5.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay. Governor, well the CDC called your quarantine rules draconian.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Look, my only job is to protect the people of New Jersey. And believe me, they need protection. Their immune systems are already under attack from tattoo infections and tainted well vodkas and jet fumes, by which I mean the stench of the New York jets.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Governor, now some are saying the White House pressured you into reversing your policy.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Come on, that’as a bunch of malarkey. Our policy has not changed. If you present symptoms, you will be quarantined. But, if I then get a call from president Barack Obama, the man who visited me, [getting emotional] for almost Kaci Hickox hours, dooring the worst of hurricane Sandy and stood with me on that beach, windbreaker to windbreaker, as we pointed to houses and said, “Wow, look at that one”, how do you say no to a man like that?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Well, speaking of presidents, isn’t your tough stance on ebola really about the fact you might soon be a candidate in Chris Christie0Megan6?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Megan, that’s a question for the American people. After 8 years of Barack Obama, do they want more of the same? Or is America ready for like, likable Kevin James type. You now? Like a laughable Jamoke from the old neighborhood.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Are you saying you’re running?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: No, but I will say this. Ram Paul and Jeff Bush would never have had the stones to do this quarantine thing. They were sitting on their daddy’s lap in congress while I was working my way through kindergarten as mall Santa Claus. Okay? And where am I? Over here. Hey, Ramd and Jebb, Christopher. [pecks kiss on hand] Now that’s a first name.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay, here now with her side of the story, the woman who lived through this quarantine, Kaci Hickox live via satellite in her home in Maine.

[Cut to split screen. Megan is at the left and Chris Christie is at the right.]

Kaci Hickox: Hey, Megan. By the way, that is Kaci with an ‘I’ as in “I don’t care if have ebola, I’m riding my damn bike.” Yeah!

Megan: So, What have you been doing since you broke quarantine?

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: I’m doing whatever I feel like. Took a dip in a public pool, ooh! I volunteered in a kissing booth. For Halloween, I handed out about a thousand m&m’s with my bare hands. There you go, there you go. [coughing] Kidding! Yeah!

[Cut to split screen.]

Megan: Okay, miss Hickox, many people think you’re being pretty cavalier about all this.

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: Yeah, that’s because many people are intimidated by a smart, strong woman who has lost her mind. I stoop up to ebola, Megan. I’m not be scared off by a governor who looks like a cartoon on a pizza box.

Chris Christie: Oh yeah! [Chris Christie walks near Kaci Hickox in Maine] You wanna say that to my face?

Kaci Hickox: What the hell are you doing here?

Chris Christie: I’m Chris Christie, I’m everywhere.

Kaci Hickox: Oh, I cannot wait to sue you.

Chris Christie: Oh, yeah? Well, get in line. It starts all the way back at the GW bridge and the traffic is very slow. [Chris Christie and Kaci Hickox start hitting each other] Come on! Come on, now!

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: A lot to think about on both sides. We’ll be back with more. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Swiftamine

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Chris Rock

Dr. David Doctor… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a woman jogging in a park]

Cecily: For years, I suffered from vertigo.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Out of nowhere I’d feel dizzy, disoriented and even nauseous.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dremamine helped my flashes upside. And I hadn’t had a flair up in years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Years.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Until recently.

[Cut to Cecily jogging]

Cecily: I was jogging listening to spotiy.

[Cut to Taran on his laptop]

Taran: Casually browsing iTunes.

[Cut to Chris driving his car]

Chris: Flipping through the radio.

Cecily: And I heard this new song that I loved.

Taran: I loved.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I looked to see who it was and that’s when the vertigo hit.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It was Taylor Swift.

Chris: Taylor Swift.

Taran: Taylor Swift. The whole room started spinnin.

Chris: I felt nauseous. I don’t like Taylor Swift. I know I don’t.

[Cut to the doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Yes, you do. You friggin lover. Hi, I’m neorologist Dr. David Doctor. Over that last one month, realizing you love Taylor Swift has become the leading cause of vertigo in adults. That’s why, now, there’s Swiftamine. The fast acting antihistamine tablet that’s pink and bubbly, just like Taylor herself.

[Cut to Kenan and his daughters]

Kenan: I took my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. I did not want to go. I do not get it. But as soon as the concert started, I was on the ground. My daughters say I was slurring the words. And those words were, “Girl can write a song.” They gave me Swiftamine.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I never got into Taylor Swift because in interview, she’s always like, “I’m Taylor Swift.” It’s like, no. Then the other day, I found myself humming ‘Shake it off’ and I got so dizzy, I fell into traffic. Thanks a lot, Taylor. Just kidding. You’re amazing.

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Medically speaking, Taylor Swift on set vertigo occurs when one of her songs forces your brain to fight your ears. Your frontal lobe says, “Oof, Taylor Swift. She’s always wearing, like, a Cecily9Kenan0’s bathing suit.” But your ear is saying, “Shut up. This is a perfect song. [Cut to Aidy dancing in a club.] Taylor Swift on set vertigo can strike anytime, any place.

[cut to Leslie in the club]

Leslie: Oh, man! This beat is banging. Who is it?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Taylor Swift.

Leslie: What?

Aidy: [in slow motion and heavy sound] Taylor Swift.

[Cut to Leslie getting triggered]

Leslie: I freaking love Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Swiftamine, for when you realize you love Taylor Swift.

[Leslie gets in dancing behind the doctor]

Leslie: Baby! She got me.