Tag: Cecily Strong

Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.]

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him]

[Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.]

[Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors]

[Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]

Secret Billionaire

Steve… Taran Killam

Stacy… Cecily Strong

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Gordon… Beck Bennett

Abit Bana Wilkin… Jim Carrey

Tony… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Secret Billionaire intro]

[Cut to the show]

Steve: Welcome back to Secret Billionaire. At the top of our show, we met Stacy. A waitress and aspiring pilot. Stacy, you came on Secret Billionaire because you’re looking for a man of wealth.

Stacy: That’s right, Steve. I want a life of luxury.

Steve: Well, tonight, we have four eligible bachelors, but here’s the twist, only one of them is an actual billionaire. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up Stace? I’m Mike. I’m an internet genius. Ha-ha!

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: Hi Stacy. I’m Gordon, heir to a massive chain of retail stores.

[Cut to Abit. He is very old and is on a wheelchair.]

Abit: And I’m Abit Bana Wilkin, senior member of Illuminati.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: And I’m Tony. Hip Hop mobile.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve: Well, Stacy, it’s time to get to know your bachelors. [Cut to Steve and Stacy] Keep in mind, only one of them is telling the truth.

Stacy: Okay, guys, I’m a good girl but I have a crazy side. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Oh, man! There’s like, so many. But I would have to go with the time that I bought out a whole movie theater just so I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, save some popcorn for me. Tony.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: Well, I once filled my entire hot tub with gold and $100 bills. Then I took a bling bath. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: It’s simple. In 1978, I rigged an election in Panama. As I had high stakes in a banana futures. Things got messy and the bastards made off of those sovereign, my left hand. But fortunately, I replaced it with one of my own creations. [Abit shows his robotic hand] This mechanic-tronic hand, strong enough to crush steel but soft enough for manual pleasure.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! The hand is cool.

Steve: I know. Really think about their answers, Stacy. Next question.

Stacy: Okay, guys. I love to travel. If we could go anywhere in the world, where would you take me?

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: That’s easy. I would take you in my own personal helicopter that I own to the city of love, Paris. Where we’ll have champagne on the bar at the top of the Eiffel tower.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, I love bars. Mike?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I would fly you to Japan just to get fresh sushi for dinner.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Um, amazing. Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I would take you to the wide open spaces of the upper Utah where hot air balloon will be waiting. I would have send in it alone and pleasure myself to completion. And observe my essence fall 3,000 feet and marvel at the majesty of mother earth as she accepts my seed for purchase. And after that, we would go to Applebees and eat among the dollars.

[Cut to Tony staring at Abit being surprised]

Tony: Okay. I’d take you to the Luxa.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Steve: [laughing] You have got your work cut out for you, Stacy.

Abit: Stacy, I brought you something. [Cut to Abit. He has a puppy in his hands.] This puppy is wearing an exact replica of a suit worn by the man in seat 3A in the Malaysian airliner that [showing his two fingers as quoting] “disappeared”. It serves as both a gift and a warning.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw! I love puppies. Okay, final question. Guys, I love the holidays. What do you do to feel jolly?

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I was alone and bored one Christmas. So, I rented out an airplane hanger and filled it with 250 men named Dennis and one name Brian. I watched from two way glass above just to see what they would do. Would the Dennisses even know? Soon they started introducing themselves. “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” And I watched Brian very carefully. Would he be frightened and disoriented? Fully immersed in a world out of his control? A world of Dennisses? Or would he become a sort of unofficial leader? For 10 hours they mingled, trying to make sense of it all. And I sat the whole time and wrapped the tension, gently sipping on a glass of octopus urine.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw, I love seafood.

Steve: Stacy, this is gonna be a tough decision, but the clues are out there. When we come back, it’s time for our one-on-one dates.

[Cut to everybody]

Abit: How much do you charge for your dignity? [Abit moves forward to Stacy on his wheelchair]

[cheers and applause]

Geoff’s Halloween Emporium

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Geoff Davies… Jim Carrey

[Starts with a clip of Geoff’s Halloween Emporium]

[Cut to Venessa and Cecily. They are chewing gum.]

Venessa: Halloween’s coming. The spookiest time of the year.

[An animated cartoon bat flies over them]

Cecily: Woah! Bat!

Venessa: Whoa!

Cecily: That’s scary. What’s even scarier are the low, low prices…

Venessa and Cecily: At Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

[lightning effect from the windown]

Venessa and Cecily: [acting scared] Ah!

Venessa: Geoff’s has been leading Halloween super store in the greater Appleton, Wisconsin area since 1997.

Cecily: Geoff’s is owned and operated by Appleton’s very own, Geoff Davies, who made hotlines couple of years ago when me must have rung with an old voodoo book and got himself possessed by a demon.

Venessa: But, even though his body was taken over by the demon Galadriel from hell, he’s still committed to running Wisconsin’s best Halloween super store.

[Geoff stand up behind Venessa and Cecily]

Geoff: [in demonic voice] Did you tell them about the glitter lashes?

Venessa: Yeah! We’re getting there, Geoff.

Cecily: We got glitter lashes, feather lashes.

Venessa: Glow lashes.

Geoff: Please, tell them about the glitter lashes.

Cecily: Geoff! I literally just said glitter lashes. Okay, thanks for paying attention, Geoff.

[Geoff holds Venessa’s mouth and pulls her near]

Geoff: Bear my spine.

Venessa: Geoff. Ew!

Geoff: Bear the dog, princess Kane.

Cecily: Okay, Geoff. Stop being gross. Don’t you have some merch to go mark down?

Venessa: Geez!

[Geoff shows the clipboard. It has the animation of going inside a fiery hole.]

Geoff: This is my home. You guys wanna come over?

Venessa: Okay, Geoff. We know you have access to hell. Big whoop!

Geoff: Do no forget to mention the sexy Hunger Games costumes.

Cecily: Geoff, we’re about to.

Venessa: Yeah, Geoff.

Geoff: [screams] Sexy Hunger Games.

Venessa: We’ve got the biggest selection of sexy Hunger Games costumes you could ask for. Sexy Katniss Everdeen. Sexy her sister.

Cecily: Sexy Woody Harrelson. Sexy Tracker Jacker.

[Geoff starts throwing up blood over Venessa and Cecily]

Venessa: Ew! Geoff. So, don’t walk, drive to Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

Cecily: And remember our slogan.

Geoff: Your lord will fall to the darkness inside me.

Venessa: Geoff!

Geoff: What? I thought we nailed it.

Ebola Press Conference

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Ron Klain… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moyniham

Aidy Bryant

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with C-SPAN intro]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, earlier today President Obama introduced Ebola czar Ron Klain who took questions on the latest developments in the Ebola crisis.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Well, thank you all for coming. As you know, just two days ago, another American, this time a doctor in New York was diagnosed with Ebola. Now, some people want to criticize the way our administration has handled this crisis. And it’s true, we made a few mistakes early on. But I assure you, it was nowhere near as bad as how we handled the ISIS situation. I mean, our very Secret Service mishaps, or the scandals of the IRS and the NSA. And I don’t know if you guys remember, but the Obamacare website had some pretty serious problems too. In fact, if you look at all the stuff that’s happened my second term, this whole Ebola thing is probably one of my greatest accomplishments.

Now, I’d like to introduce the man who will be managing this crisis moving forward. New Ebola czar, Ron Klain.

[Ron Klain walks in]

Ron Klain: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you. [applause] Thank you members of the press. I am really more of a behind the scene’s guy but I am excited to take your questions. Yes.

[Cut to the press.]

Cecily: Mr. Klain, you have no actual medical training or background with dealing with infectious disease, is that correct?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Um, yes. Yes, that is true. I am not a doctor. But, to be fair, I did service chief of staff to vice president Joe Biden. So, I do have some experience with the little something called food in mouth disease. [laughing]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It seems like that’s a joke disease. Just to confirm, no experience with actual medical diseases?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: No. Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: A lot of Americans still don’t understand why we have an issue to travel ban on flights on West Africa.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Okay, at this point, a travel ban on country is with Ebola would be an overreaction. If anything, we should be more afraid of the flu. It kills many more people every year.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: But 0.01% with the flu die from it. And with Ebola, it’s Aidy0%.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yes, yes, well we could all go throwing statistics around.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha. Such as?

[Cut to Ron Klain. He doesn’t know any statistic.]

Ron Klain: I don’t have any with me at the moment but if you just give me some time, everything will be 100% cool as hell.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Mr. Klain, some have speculated you were brought in mainly to handle this from a political perspective. Even the midterm elections are in two weeks. Any comment on that?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yeah! Right now, I am not worried about winning elections. However, there are a few safety tips that people should know heading towards election day. For example, the Ebola virus actually flourishes in warmer clients– climates, excuse me. So, if you live in a southern state such as Louisiana, Arkansas or Kentucky, you actually may want to avoid any large public spaces like, say a polling booth. One exception however, is that we believe Latinos in red states may actually have immunity to Ebola. So, they’re good to go.

And now, finally, we wanted someone from New York to talk directly to you. So, we asked mayor De Blasio and governor Cuomo, but it turns out there was only one New York democrat willing to be seen with President Obama today.

[Al Sharpton walks in]

Al Sharpton: Hey, hey, hey. [cheers and applause] To save the day! Thank you Ron Klain, Ebola Czar. Okay, first off, yes, Ebola is in New York. But don’t worry about me, I’m immuned to all infectious diseases as even the tiniest particles cannot get past this mustache. And all you other New Yorkers shouldn’t worry either. People should go about their daily lives. And so should New York’s pigeons, rats and sewer monsters. Because if you worry that some parts of New York are contaminated, you’re wrong. All of New York is contaminated all the time.

I once got the clap by wearing short shorts through the port authority. Snap!

So, information. Be safe, brush your teeth and [shouting] live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Carrey Family Reunion

Jim Carrey

Waitress… Leslie Jones

Jay Carrey… Taran Killam

Persey Carrey… Jim Carrey

John Carrey… Beck Bennett

Rita Patt Carrey… Venessa Bayer

Cable Guy… Jay Pharoah

Aunt Kay… Cecily Strong

Cousin Wayne… Bobby Moynihan

Grandpa Lloyd… Jeff Daniels

[Starts with Carrey family reunion in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Here’s your drink Mr. Carrey.

Jim Carrey: Oh, spank you kindly.

Waitress: Enjoy the reunion. You know?

Jim Carrey: Can you really enjoy a reunion?

Waitress: [laughing] You are so crazy, Jim Carrey.

[Jay Carrey walks in]

Jay Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: Jay Carey! Oh, my gosh! Great to see you. When did you grow into a man?

Jay Carrey: Well, I started growing in high school and stopped. Right around here.

Jim Carrey: All righty then!

[cheers and applause]

Jay Carrey: Alrighty then! You remember when I came up with that?

Jim Carrey: I thought I came up with that.

Jay Carrey: [laughing] Agree to disagree. Well, in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

[Jay Carrey goes to his table. Persey Carrey comes in.]

Jim Carrey: Can I get another drink?

Persey Carrey: Hey, JIm!

Jim Carrey: Persey Carrey. How are you man? I heard you became and incredible skate boarder.

Persey Carrey: I like it a lot. Sounds familiar. But seriously, I am super into skateboarding. I grind rails, I do ollies, because I’m not a Lahoo-zaher!

Jim Carrey: Alrighty then!

Persey Carrey: Alrighty then!

[John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey walk in]

John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: John and Rita Patt Carrey. Oh, my god! Did you guys come all the way from Scarborough for this?

John Carrey: We did! It was a hell of a day trying to get this one out of the bed this morning.

Rita Patt Carrey: John, can I talk to you over here for a second please?

[Cut to John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey. Rita Patt Carrey is speaking like John Carrey and making it seem like her ass is speaking.]

Oh! So, I’m the difficult one?

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Guys! Guys! Please, let’s not fight. The Carreys are kind people. Let’s just all relax, have a beer and watch the game. I think the leads are on.

[Jim Carrey gets the remote but it’s not working.]

Huh! Looks like the cable’s out. Is there anybody who knows how to fix a cable here?

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: I’ll juice you up. Cable Guy!

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Eddie Taurus? Wow, great to see you. I thought people didn’t like the Cable Guy.

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: Well, you know, not at first. People thought I got paid too much. But I’m a real cold classic. Must be nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: It is. It is.

[Jay Carrey walks to Jim Carrey]

Oh, Jay! Hey! Good to see you. Is aunt Kay here?

Jay Carrey: Absolutely. She just got out of jail for our son.

[Cut to Aunt Kay]

Aunt Kay: And let me tell ya something, I’m still pretty fired up about it.

[Cut to Jay Carrey and Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. She’s nuts. Speaking of fired up, how’s cousin Wayne? That guy is nuts. Where is he?

Jay Carrey: He’s out back on the deck.

Jim Carrey: What’s he doing?

[Cut to Cousin Wayne. He’s ‘The Mask’ character.]

Cousin Wayne: Smuffin!

[Cousin Wayne walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Wow! You look a little green. You should really quit smoking.

Cousin Wayne: Ooh! [showing a cigarette that’s in his hand] Somebody stop me! It’s party time. P-A-R-T-Why?
Jim Carrey: Because I– you gotta?

Cousin Wayne: Yeah! Because I gotta! That’s pretty much why.

Grandpa Lloyd: Watch yourself there you!

[Grandpa Lloyd walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Grandpa Lloyd. You never look better.

Grandpa Lloyd: Oh, boy! We’re proud of ya Jim boy. You’re probably having a blast with all them Hollywood movies.

Jim Carrey: Yeah, I guess. You know, it’s not all fun. Sometimes, you work with some real jerks. And if there’s a sequel, well, you’re kind of stuck with them.

Grandpa Lloyd: I bet no one’s ever said that about you.

Jim Carrey: Hey!

Grandpa Lloyd: Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world.?

Jim Carrey: I don’t think so.

[Grandpa Lloyd yells at Jim Carrey in his ears]

Okay, everyone. Hey! Gather around here. A group picture. And a toast to the greatest family that anyone could ever have. To the Carreys.

Everybody: To the Carreys.

Jim Carrey: Ready?

[Everyone poses for the picture. Character ‘The Riddler’ joins them]

Everybody: Alrighty then!

[picture snaps]

The Cat In The Hat and Linda

Linda… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cat in the hat… Bill Hader

Thing 2… Taran Killam

[Starts with a clip of a house at a raining night]

Linda: Why are you filled with dismay? [Cut to inside the house] You should go out and enjoy this fine day.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: It’s been raining, dear mother. As long as we’ve known.

Pete: We are bored, sweet mother. Bored to the bone.

Aidy: I want someone to play with. Someone who’s fun.

Pete: Perhaps, if we imagine, we’ll find the one.

[door knocking]

[Cut to everybody. Cat walks in the door.]

Cat: Hello, little kiddies. A-rada-tac-tac,

f you haven’t put it together, I’m the cat in the hat.

Linda: Cat, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Cat]

Cat: Linda? My god! You look good.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Mommy, what’s going on?

Aidy: You know the cat guy?

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Linda: Yes. No. I met him before.

Cat: Met? Well, that’s what we call it now?

Linda: Okay, I think maybe you should leave.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No, Mr. Cat, we don’t want you to go. Can you please stay and put on a fun show?

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Show? Yeah! Sure.

[Cat starts speaking funny]

I always appear when children are sad,

so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad?

[Cut to Cat. He starts questioning] Like, does he live here? Is he still here?

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: You know what? He’s at work. He is reliable. I don’t have to say a rhyme to make him come home.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Do some tricks!

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Wait, you want tricks. Yeah! Sure. You like juggling?

Pete: Yeah!

Cat: [speaking funnily] I can juggle with this.

I can juggle with fish

I can juggle with this

I can–

[Cat jumps and stops near a picture]

You cut me out of this picture? That makes sense, but it’s hard to see.

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: Yeah, um, maybe it’d be better if you’d just go.

[Cut to Cat, Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No!

Pete: He can’t leave.

Cat: They’re right. I literally can’t leave because they imagined me.

[Cut to everybody]

Linda: Great! Okay, so here we are!

Cat: No, no. Look, look, I didn’t plan on this.

[Cat goes near to Linda]

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

I mean– You got an eyelash.

[Cat picks Linda’s eyelashes]

Linda: Don’t, you just want to touch my face.

Cat: Yes, maybe. I am sorry.

[Linda starts crying]

Linda: I’m sorry. This is just really hard for me to see you.

Cat: Oh, hey! It’s hard for me too. Here, here, take this.

[Cat pulls handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. It’s a magic trick where the handkerchief doesn’t stop coming out.]

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Wow!

[Aidy and Pete start pulling the handkerchief.]

Cat: Here. Here. Here. Here.

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Take this.

[Cat gives Linda a handkerchief to wipe her tears.]

[Linda and Cat are about to kiss]

Aidy: [interrupting Linda and Cat] Mr. Cat, you wanna see me dance?

[Cut to everybody]

[Aidy starts dancing]

Cat: Yes, sure. Yes, go on.

[Aidy is dancing]

Hey, look at that. Yes, that’s great. [Cut to Linda and Cat] Great dance.

Linda: She got set from you.

Cat: Wait, is she my daughter?

[Thing 2 walks in the door]

Thing 2: Haidi-ho! My wife and children! Cat? Wow, um, what are you doing here?

Cat: Hey, Thing 2.

Thing 2: Actually, I go by Jonathing now.

Linda: Cat was just on his way out.

Thing 2: Oh! Good! That’s good! She picked me, cat!

Cat: I’ll go. I’ll go. I’m sorry. [Cut to everybody] I’ll go.

[Cut to Cat at the door]

Of all the places she let me go–

Thing 2: [yelling] You! Get out of here!

[Cat left.]

Kim Jong-Un Is Strong

Nurse… Cecily Strong

Kim Jong Un… Bobby Moynihan

General… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Qak-pun-ji… Beck Bennett

[Stars with a clip of Pyongyang, North Korea]

Nurse: Dear leader, [Cut to a nurse sitting beside Kim Jong Un] it has been five weeks since you’ve been seen in public. Your people yearn to set their eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un. Please, some are wondering if you’re still in charge.

Kim Jong Un: Fools! I am the one and only shining sun. I am your marshall. So, why do I hear these poisonous rumors? That I am diabetic? That I have the gout? ridiculous! That I have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me?

[Cut to three soldiers at right]

General: It is just, dear leader, we are worried.

[Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: Worried? About me? Well, let me tell you something, General.

[Kim Jong Un struggles to stand up]

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to the General, he’s making noises]

General! You of all people should never question me. Why did you go to South Korea when you knew I forbid this?

General: It was a diplomatic mission, sir. As part of the Asian games.

Kim Jong Un: What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian games when the world’s greatest athlete is standing right in front of you? I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.

[Cut to the soldiers at left]

Kyle: But sir, you’re limping.

[Cut to Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: What? Who said that?

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to Kyle, he is making noises]

I told you, I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan. This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me. We all know this.

[Cut to everybody. The soldiers and nodding their heads.]

Kyle: My apologies dear leader. It’s just, um, people think you’re out of tough.

Kim Jong Un: How can I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength. Perhaps a demonstration is in order.

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to right side, he is making noise]

Qak-pun-ji, I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

Qak-pun-ji: Dear leader, I could never.

Kim Jong Un: Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die!

[Qak-pun-ji punches Kim Jong Un on chest. Kim Jong Un doesn’t react at all.]

Now everyone turn around!

[The soldiers turn away from Kim Jong Un and then, Kim Jong Un starts grunting.]

That was in my heart! He punched me in the heart. What an animal! [Kim Jong Un takes long breath] Okay, turn back around. This is nonsense. I am strong as a dragon.

[Kim Jong Un turns around and tries to go back to his seat.]

Okay, forget it.

[He starts crawling as he can’t limp on stairs.]

[Nurse tries to get him up]

I am fine! [Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un] I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing]

Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing again]

Now, everybody turn around!

[As everyone turns away from Kim Jong Un, he screams in pain.]

[Nurse passes a packed juice to Kim Jong Un]

Oh, cranberry! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper]

[Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper]

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused]

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd]

[They start fighting]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen]

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them]

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.]

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.]

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.

Herb Welch Virginity Pledge Rally

Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam

Herb Welsh… Bill Hader

Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson

President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong

[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York

[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]

Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause]

[Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]

Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?

[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald

Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?

Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.

Herb Welsh: You got a kid?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.

Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.

Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.

[Cut to the split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!

Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?

Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.

Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.

Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.

Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

How many?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?

Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?

[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]

Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey!

[Cut to split screen]

Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.

Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.

Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.

Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

[President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]

President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.

[Cut to split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?

Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]

Hola, que pasa senorita?

[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]

President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.

[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.

Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian!

[Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.]

[Cut to Chuck Dawes]

Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.

[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]

Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.

Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]