Tag: Cecily Strong

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular

Devin… Pete Davidson

Pastor Pat… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Drubbler… Jay Pharoah

Bethany Opsal… Aidy Bryant

Ryan Welty… Kyle Mooney

Colleen Chapin… Cecily Strong

[Cut to people going in the church]

Male voice: It’s Christmas and you know what that means. It’s time for you annual trip to church with your parents.

[rock music stars playing]

And you’re in luck coz this year, St. Joseph’s church is going full throttle. With our one night only, Christmas Mass Spectacular. We’ve got appearances by all your church favorites. Like, Devin. [Cut to Devin] The newly atheist teen who is making a point of not saying the prayers.

[Cut to Pastor Pat who is sleepy]

Pastor Pat who sings everything at constantly changing speeds.

[Cut to Pastor Pat singing in different speeds.]

Pastor Pat: [singing fast] For glory and honor’s is yours almighty father,
[singing slow] forever and ever

[Cut to Mr. Drubbler]

Male voice: And Mr. Drubbler, who is eager to say ‘Peace be with you’ while holding out the sweatiest hand you’ve ever seen.

[Mr. Drubbler gives his hand to shake]

Still not sold? Well, we got organist Linda Tayhoe. [Cut to Linda Tayhoe playing organ]

Watch her take 20 minutes to arrange her sheet music and still start on the wrong chord.

[Linda Tayhoe is playing organ all wrong]

[Cut to Bethany Opsal with the choir group.]

Plus, teen soloist, Bethany Opsal who is up there in the choir trying hard as hell.

Bethany Opsal: [singing]Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path

Male voice: Yeah! And don’t miss St. Joseph’s back to back liturgical readers. [Cut to Ryan Welty walking to the podium to speak] 12 year old Ryan Welty who really doesn’t wanna be doing this.

[Ryan Welty reads from the bible but it’s unintelligible because he’s speaking fast and unclear.]

[Cut to Colleen Chapin]

And 44 year old Colleen Chapin who really, really does.

Colleen Chapin: [liturgical reading] A reading from Paul to the Corinthians. Take, eat…

[Cut to an old man sleeping]

Male voice: Looking for even more fun? Check up the Sherman where you’ll hear the softest Pastor joke followed by the softest parishioner laugh.

[Cut to Pastor Pat]

Pastor Pat: The wise men had to follow the north star for three weeks. And back then, they didn’t have map quest.

[Cut to Beck in the church slightly laughing alone.]

Male voice: And who’s that over there? [Cut to Filipino ladies filling up the church seats] It’s rows and rows of little Filipino ladies you’ve never seen before. But they must live nearby because this is their church. Plus, here all 44 verses of “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” We’re not skipping the Latin verses this mass.

[Cut to people in church singing in Latino.]

[Cut to Leslie talking to a person next to her.]

Leslie: Ay, is this song still about Jesus?

[Cut to Pastor Pat shaking hands with everybody]

Male voice: And at the end of the service, stay and have your mind blown by watching Pastor Pat walk to his house. [Devin is watching Pastor Pat.] It’s connected to the church. Trying to catch a quick glimpse inside. Wow, it’s just a little table in there. So, this Christmas, come to St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular. It’s church but on a Thursday.

Right Side of the Bed with Martin Freeman

Corey Chisum… Taran Killam

Grace Chisum… Cecily Strong

Louis Dukes… Martin Freeman

Kyle Mooney

Emily Margine… Aidy Bryant

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV Atlanta intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WSB/TV Atlanta. Up next, it’s Right side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right side of the Bed video bumper]

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum on a sofa]

Corey Chisum: Good mid-morning, y’all.

Grace Chisum: Y’all, you’re watching Right side of the Bed. I’m Grace Chisum. And I’m here with my husband, the diva, himself.

Corey Chisum: Ah! Oh, please! I m Corey Chisum and she’s already trying to get on my nerves.

Grace Chisum: You just can handle it.

Corey Chisum: I handled you for about two hours straight last night, didn’t hear you complain.

Grace Chisum: Corey, get your mouth out of the gutter.

Corey Chisum: Well, excuse me, that’s where it lives.

Grace Chisum: Okay, whatever guys, we got some great guests today. Coming up later is local contractor Louis Dukes.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

He’s gonna show us some right tips winterizing our homes.

Corey Chisum: There he is. Hi, Louis. He’s little cutie. He promises that he is gonna cut our heating bill in half.

Grace Chisum: Well, if anyone could do it, Louis Dukes can do it. He’s the best.

Corey Chisum: I hear you.

Louis Dukes: Um, am I still on camera?

Corey Chisum: Wave and smile

Louis Dukes: Wave and smile? Okay.

Corey Chisum: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, now that’s enough wave. Okay, Louis, we’re gonna check in with you later.

Grace Chisum: Bye, Louis. Boy, I can’t wait to hear those tips. Our bills so ding-dong high.

Corey Chisum: Well, our bill’s high coz you always got the fridge door open.

Grace Chisum: Now, Corey, don’t go there. I can talk about my weight, you cannot.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m the one who dresses you in the morning.

Grace Chisum: Oh, please.

Corey Chisum: I’m the one who has to zip up your slacks in the back.

Grace Chisum: Oh, my god.

Corey Chisum: Thank you.

Grace Chisum: Corey! Just looking at you makes me tired.

Corey Chisum: Ah!

Grace Chisum: Okay, guys, if you’re just joining us, later on we’ve got local contractor Louis Dukes with his winter tips.

[Cut to Louis Dukes chewing his nails]

Corey Chisum: Alright Louis. We caught him. We caught him off guard. That’s okay, Louis. I guess he’s just about the handiest man around.

Louis Dukes: Is it time now?

[Kyle comes in]

Kyle: No, we’re just on our way. You look great.]

[Kyle walks away]

[Louis Dukes is waving his one hand and holding a saw with his other hand.]

Corey Chisum: Oh, my goodness. Looks like he’s got a lot to show us, something with the saw. Oh, man, we can’t wait to talk to you a little bit later, Louis.

Grace Chisum: Okay, see you soon Louis.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Oh, man! Is it just me or he’s as cute as the cutest thing there could be?

Corey Chisum: Oh! Watch it, lady. You are all mine.

Grace Chisum: You know, I’m joking. I’m just pulling both of your legs.

Corey Chisum: Well, I’m gonna pull your hair while you pull something else on me.

Grace Chisum: Corey! You are a true hand on.

Corey Chisum: What? I’m just a red blooded American male like everybody else on the planet.

Grace Chisum: Okay. You’re acting like a tool. And tools are Louis’s thing.

[Cut to Louis Dukes]

There he is.

Louis Dukes: Are you kidding?

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on, dance!

[Kyle walks away]

[Louis Dukes starts dancing]

Corey Chisum: Wow, Louis, Louis, he gotta go! Oh, my goodness. That I’m so excited. Look, he’s dancing.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Grace Chisum: Wow, does he know how to tease a segment or what?

Corey Chisum: I wish you knew something about teasing.

Grace Chisum: Oh! Please! I am the one who likes foreplay.

Corey Chisum: Get real, miss thing. You just hop on it like a hog full of corncob.

Grace Chisum: You are out of control today. Okay guys, before we get to Louis, we got something kind of sad. We’re gonna be talking to our producer Emily Margine whose half brother was just this morning at 7 am executed by the side of Georgia.

[Cut to Emily Margine waving her hand]

Oh, she must be sad.

Corey Chisum: Yeah, she sure looks sad, don’t she?

[cut to sad Emily Margine and Louis Dukes dancing]

Oh, but look at Louis. He’s still dancing.

Louis Dukes: Am I supposed to be here right now?

Emily Margine: Why are you dancing?

Louis Dukes: He told me to.

[Cut to Corey Chisum and Grace Chisum]

Corey Chisum: What? That’s a phrase he told her.

Grace Chisum: Okay, someone’s trying to be a drama queen up in here.

Corey Chisum: Excuse me, Louis, that is my job.

Grace Chisum: That’s his.

Corey Chisum: It’s on my license plate. D-R-M-A-N-Q-N, Drama-qn.

Grace Chisum: Guys, you got a cigarette, coz we’ve got so many great guests. We got Louis Dukes, Sad producer Margine, and best of all, country sensation Keith Urban is here to show us how to winterize our home.

[Cut to Louis Dukes, Emily Margine and Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Your house is gonna be as warm as wallway’s patch.

Louis Dukes: Keith Urban is winterizing too? Why?

Kyle: Just dance.

[Louis Dukes start dancing]

Corey Chisum: We’ll be back. See you later.

Grace Chisum: I will see you guys.

Corey Chisum: Thanks Louis.

Peter Pan Live

Michael…Kyle Mooney

Windy… Kate McKinnon

Peter Pan… Cecily Strong

John… Beck Bennett

Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant

Captain Hook… James Franco

[Starts with Peter Pan intro]

Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.

[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]

Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.

Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?

[Cut to everybody.]

Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan!

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy!

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.

[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]

Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.

[Cut to the fairy]

Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.

[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.]

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.

[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]

Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.

[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]

Hit it boys.

[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]

Crew: Are you a scary pirate?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: And when we do all the singing

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.

Captain Hook: Yes!

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.

[music playing.]

[singing] I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know, if you know what I mean

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.

[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.]

[Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]

Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life!

[They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: Talkabell, you’re weird.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.

[The bat walks in]

Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?

Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all!

[The End]

Nicki Minaj’s Booty

Jeremy… Pete Davidson

Brain… James Franco

Mrs. Menzeneli… Cecily Strong

Song, Billy Zane… Taran Killam

Rhombus… Aidy Bryant

Dance… Kyle Mooney

Fresh Prince… Jay Pharoah

Nicki Minaj

Judge Lance Ito… Bobby Moynihan

Ashley Parker Angel… Beck Bennett

Home Alone… Kate McKinnon

Jurassic Park… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Jeremy on laptop]

Jeremy: Ah! What? I have to create a new password? I don’t want to do that. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to remember another new password! My brain is too full. My brain is too full. My brain is too full.

[Cut to Brain’s brain]

Brain: Alright. Alright, alright! All the information and memories in Jeremy’s brain, gather around. We need to make more room in here for some new stuff which means it time for a lot of you non-essentials to go. First up is, Jeremy second grade teacher Mrs. Menzeneli here.

[Mrs. Menzeneli walks in]

Mrs. Menzeneli: Yes, can I help you young man?

Brain: Ah! Yeah, I’m sorry Mrs. Menzeneli, but Jeremy does not need to remember your name anymore.

Mrs. Menzeneli: What? But I’ve been here for 20 years.

Brain: Only because one time you fell down hard in class that really affected him. But now it’s time to move on out. Okay? Bye-bye, Mrs. Menzeneli. Thanks.

[Mrs. Menzeneli walks away and falls down]

Brain: Okay. Next up, are all the words to Savage garden’s I want you still in here?

[Song slides in]

Song: You tell me. [starts singing the song ‘I want you’.]

Brain: Alright, a simple yes would have suffice. Time for you to go.

Song: But, [Song starts singing again]

Brain: Wrong! Wrong! You need to chicken cherry check yourself out of this brain.

Song: Huh! He used my lyrics against me!

[Song leaves]

[Rhombus walks in]

Rhombus: Um, excuse me brain dude. I would like to volunteer to leave.

Brain: And who are you?

Rhombus: Oh, I’m the word ‘Rhombus’. I have been here since 99, okay? Jeremy doesn’t know what I am or what I look like. He just knows the word. So, I’m gonna get the hell out of here and I’m gonna take the ‘Bye, bye, bye’ dance with me.

[Dance walks in and starts dancing]

[‘Bye, bye, bye’ by Nsync is playing]

Brain: Okay, bye, bye, bye. Okay.

[Rhombus and Dance are leaving]

What else can we lose?

[Fresh Prince walks in]

Fresh Prince: [rapping and dancing] What’s Philadelphia born and raised 

On a playground where I spent most of my days

Brain: Oh, yeah! Gotta leave! Go!

Fresh Prince: Oh, man! Come one! Jeremy uses me all the time. I kill the Karaoke. Yeah! Anyway, whatever host, smell you later.

[Fresh Prince leaves]

Brain: Okay, next up we have–

[Nicki Minaj walks in and starts rapping]

Nicki Minaj: Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was gettin’ some coins

Brain: You’re only gonna sing the first two lines?

Nicki Minaj: That’s all Jeremy knows.

Brain: Well, Nicki, I know you’re new here, but you gotta go.

Nicki Minaj: Hey, I mean, I don’t– don’t get mad at me. I don’t know why our boy watched the music video so many times.

[Nicki Minaj turns around and walks away]

Brain: Okay, out in the way back?

[Judge Lance Ito walks in]

Judge Lance Ito: Okay, it’s me, Judge Lance Ito.

Brain: From the OJ Simpson trial?

Judge Lance Ito: Yes, yes.

Brain: Okay, Judge Ito, you gotta pack it up and take that dog from that 90s production company with you.

[Cut to a black dog with a frisbee]

Voice: Sit, booboo, sit. Good dog.

[Cut to Brain. Ashley Parker Angel walks in.]

Brain: Okay.

Ashley Parker Angel: What about me? Should I go too?

Brain: Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town? God, this kid remembers the weirdest things. Yes, Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town, you gotta go too.

Ashley Parker Angel: That seems fair.

[singing] Coz all I want is you or nothing at all

Brain: Alright, alright, alright.

[Ashley Parker Angel leaves]

Let’s clear out some old movie quotes. That should open up a ton of space. Home Alone, you first. Out.

[Home Alone walks in]

Home Alone: I brought you girlfriend, wow!

[Home Alone walks out]

Brain: Jurassic Park, you too.

[Jurassic Park walks in]

Jurassic Park: He left us! He left us!

[Jurassic Park leaves]

Brain: Finally, Titanic. Hit the road.

[Billy Zane walks in]

Billy Zane: I always win Jack, one way or another.

Brain: Who remembers a Billy Zane line from Titanic? What a freak!

[Billy Zane leaves]

Alright, I think that’s everything. Jeremy should finally have room in here for that new password.

[Nicki Minaj walks in and starts rapping]

Nicki Minaj: [rapping] Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Brain: I thought I told you to leave, Nicki.

Nicki Minaj: I’m really stuck in here.

[Brain and Nicki Minaj start dancing to the song]

[rapping] Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money, he was gettin’ some coins

[Cut to Jeremy dancing while watching Nicki Minaj on his laptop.]

Magic Bridge

Aidy Bryant

John… Kyle Mooney

Troll… James Franco

Cathyann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of forest.]

Aidy: I think we’re lost.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Sorry, I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: Well, there’s a light over there on the other side of this bridge. So, let’s just head to that.

John: I said I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: I know, I’m not mad at you./

John: I’m not that guy!

Aidy: Okay, let’s just cross the bridge.

John: Exactly what I was saying.

[As Aidy and John are crossing the bridge. The smoke appears and the voice is speaking.]

Voice: Step left, step left, step right, step right

[Troll appears]

who dares to cross this troll bridge tonight?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god! It’s a troll.

John: Look man, what are you gonna do to us?

[Cut to Troll]

Troll: Well, I’ll let you pass of course, if you pass my test. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Let me handle this. I bet he wants us to answer a riddle.

[Cut to everybody. Cathyann comes out from under the bridge.]

Cathyann: Oh, no. That’s not true. That’s not true. That’s something he used to do.

Troll: Cathyann, I’m pretty sure you promised to stay under the bridge. Let me do my thing.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. It’s another troll.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Are you for real? That’s just the rudest thing you could say. No, I’m not a troll. I’m a woman like you, or me, or Michelle Robama.

Troll: [whispering] Cathyann, you are my BFF. But you can just stay in your lane. [talking in manly voice] Sorry, folks. Back to me. Rawr!

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: If she’s not a troll, why is she here?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: It’s complicated. But, Cathyann had an issue with her landlord. It got messy. And I said, “Why are you even dealing with that stuff, Cathyann?”

Cathyann: Yeah! My landlord lied on me because she is a C-U-N-Thursday! But this troll saved my life. At lease my sanity.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Mr. Troll and Cathyann, can we just please just solve the riddle so we can cross?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Not so fast! Riddles are fun but something’s a miss, to cross my bridge I require a kiss. [laughing]

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: A what?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: No, guys, he used to do riddles. But with the internet, you just Google the answer. So, it’s no fun.

Troll: I love riddles. Stupid Google. Anyway…

Cathyann: Yeah! So, now, you have to give him a kiss. And I’m not talking about the friend zone kiss. I’m talking like romantic boyfriend girlfriend type of stuff, okay? So, who is first?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Wait, so we have to kiss you to cross the bridge?

John: I’ll kiss you, but you’re not kissing her. She’s my fiance.

Aidy: Why don’t you kiss your friend Cathyann if you wanna kiss somebody so bad.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Oh! No, no, no, no. That duck don’t quack that way! She and I are like brother and sister.

Cathyann: Oh, yeah, coz I can’t even see my real brother no more coz they tried to get the money second [unintelligible], and I told the judge he only had two of red wine and that was it. The judge care nothing on me until the real C-U-N-Tuesday. Oh, but Bill Cosby can walk free, yeah right! Don’t you see problem in that? Hello!

Troll: Okay, okay. Cathyann, you’re getting yourself wormed up. I know, yeah, she starting to [unintelligible], so not worth it.

Cathyann: Okay, do it right coz it’s not about me. That’s about one of you need to kiss my troll.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Hey, I told you, you can have me but not my fiance.

Aidy: John, stop telling everyone I’m your fiance until I say a definite yes.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Ooh! Racky romance. I can definitely relate to that guy coz my boyfriend and I are long distant. He trying to be a rapper but he lives in San Diego until I can get out there and live with him. Oh man, I’m gonna get me a tan.

Troll: No! No! Cathyann, don’t talk about leaving. That makes me so sad.

Cathyann: Well, enjoy me while you can. Am I right, you guys?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Right, right. Let’s just do the stupid kiss.

[Cut to everybody. John and Troll walk on the bridge.]

Troll: The pact is made, the magic begun, just one kiss and we are done.

John: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

[John and Cathyann kiss]

[Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Wow! Go John! Go John! Look at him go. You earned that bridge, John.

[Cut to Aidy, John and Troll. John and Troll are still kissing.]

Aidy: John, enough. Enough! And yes, I will marry you my brave boy.

[Cut to John and Troll. John looks at Aidy, turns around and then start kissing Troll again.]

[Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Troll, you must be happy now, huh? It’s supposed to be, but I’ll do it, they just walk a different way.

[Cut to John and Troll]

Troll: Well, task is completed. You are having fun. You two are GTG, good to go.

[Cut to everybody. Aidy and John cross the bridge.]

Cathyann: See you later, guys.

[Aidy and John leave]

Troll: Oh! I’m gonna miss that woman I just kissed.

Cathyann: What? You gotta get your eyes checked. That was not no woman. That were a man and a woman and you kissed a man one.

Troll: Oh! It’s official, huh? I’m bisexual.

Cathyann: Oh, come on! Let’s go under that bridge and laugh.

Weekend Update Charles Manson

Colin Jost

Charles Manson… Taran Killam

Star Burton… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Imprisoned cult leader Charles Manson has reportedly found love and will soon be wed to his 26 year old girlfriend. Here to profess their love are Charles Manson and his bride to be, Star Burton.

[Charles Manson and Star Burton slide in]

Star Burton: Thanks for giving us a chance to tell our story, Colin.

Charles Manson: I can see you up there, man! I can see you. Jesus Christ wears a mask but you’re naked little mouse.

Star Burton: Charlie, what did I say?

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Charles Manson: Use your inside voice.

Star Burton: And?

Charles Manson: Don’t try to melt people’s face off with my mind. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so excited, Colin. I mean, I love this woman. I’m over the moon and love and I just want to kill the world about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton[

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Charles Manson: Tell the world. Tell the world about it.

Colin Jost: Star, when did you first realize you had feelings for Mr. Manson?

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: Um, it didn’t take long. That manly beard, his winning smile, the way his empty black eyes dart around like hagfish in a bucket.

Charles Manson: Aw!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Don’t. Don’t. I have to say, Star. A lot of people are disturbed that you could fall in love with such a notorious criminal.

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: Ouf! Notorious criminal? Charlie is a victim. I mean, whoever heard of getting a life sentence for income tax evasion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

[Charles Manson is silent]

Colin Jost: Wait, did he tell you he was–

Charles Manson: [interrupting making noises] [whispers to Colin Jost] Don’t blow this for me, man!

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: People just don’t understand what we have together. Charlie and I are soulmates. We finish each other’s sentences–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Spider penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Doesn’t seem like you were on a same page there.

Star Burton: Are you kidding? [Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton] He is the ying to my–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Something flash.

Star Burton: We are just– We’re like peanut butter and–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Chaos. Look, Colin. We don’t expect you’d understand. What we’re trying to say is, love is crazy.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

And nobody understands crazy better than me. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Charles Manson kisses Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Charles Manson and Star Burton, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Night Murmurs

Aurora… Cecily Strong

Tawna… Cameron Diaz

Latouch… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a romantic music and Aurora sitting on a sofa in a night gown.]

Aurora: Hi, I’m Aurora. What are you doing right now? Are you all by yourself? Don’t be that.

[Cut to Tawna in a night gown.]

Tawna: Call the Night Murmurs chatline. I’m Tawna and I’m waiting to talk to you. I’m not even going to go to the bathroom until this phone rings. And I really need to go.

[Cut to Latouch in a night gown with a yellow telephone.]

Latouch: I’m Latouch. We’re real local girls who can’t wait to talk to guys like you. Guys who are strong, confident and out for anything.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: Us girls at Night Murmurs will do anything to make you happy. And maybe once you get to know us, you’d be open to doing, I don’t know, some pretty giant favors for us.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: What kind of favors?

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Well, I don’t know. Something secret and naughty. Like, maybe you can meet me in a parking lot and I can give you a mysterious package. But you have to promise never to open it. I just need you to hang on to it until things calm down a bit. And you do that for me? I know you can.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Call now. I wanna tell you all my secrets. My biggest one right now is that I lost a bet. So, now I have to get video taped while someone throws a 20 pound turkey at my back. That was a bad bet to make. Who knows what I’ll do next? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: I wanna guy who is spontaneous on dates and great at listening to instructions like, can you scare my grandma so bad that she runs away from a trailer that I wanna own? I’d love that. She definitely doesn’t appreciate that trailer as much as I would. Call now. And I’ll give you this clown mask. She hates clowns, even though she’s the number one clown. It will make her run. So, call. I wanna talk to you one to one.

[Cut to Tawna with a pink telephone]

Tawna: Girls are standing by to talk to you. Oh, yes. P.S. another thing about that package, as soon as you get it home it’s gotta go into the fridge. Call me.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Oh, hey! Do you think I’ll fall down when that frozen turkey hits me in the back? I hope so. Because they say, if it doesn’t look like it’s a hard enough hit, they get to throw another one at me. Call now.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Oh, yes. And on that package, it looks like it says ‘danger’, it really says ‘Dan gier’. Mr. Dan Gier owns the package. Isn’t that wild? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: And don’t be sad about my grandmother. She’s way too full of herself. She used to be a real model and lets me know about it every day. She calls me a night time phone slut. So, let’s chat bout how we can safely remove my slop grandmother from her trailer forever.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: I need to remember not to make bets. I get real cocky about being a Pepsi person, but when it comes down to it, I can’t tell the difference from Coke. I don’t know why I keep betting that I can. So, call me and lets talk.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Call us at Night Murmurs. You must be over 18 and under 6 inches. Bye!

[cheers and applause]

New Annie

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

White Annie… Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Ms. Hannigan… Cameron Diaz

Daddy Warbucks… Jamie Foxx

Black Annie… Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HBO First Look intro]

Male voice: And now, HBO First Look presents an exclusive clip from the all new Annie. Starring Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx.

[Cut to the movie clip. Cecily, Kate, White Annie and Aidy are cleaning a room and singing]

Everybody: It’s a hard knock life for us
It’s a hard knock life for us
instead of treated, we get tricked
they won’t buy us iPhone 6
that’s a modern twist.

[Ms. Hannigan walks in]

Ms. Hannigan: Hey, what is going on in here?

Everybody: Sorry Ms. Hannigan.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan]

Ms. Hannigan: What did I tell you girls about singing while you clean up.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate: That it won’t bring our parents back.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan]

Ms. Hannigan: That’s right. Now this place needs to be spick and span for a special visitor.

[doorbell rings]

Now, is too late. Quick! How do my boobs look?

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy: Banging, Ms. Hannigan.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Hannigan: Coming! [Ms. Hannigan goes to open the door. The girls go away]

[Daddy Warbucks enters the door]

Ms. Hannigan: Ooh! Hello!

Daddy Warbucks: Well, hello yourself. [cut to Daddy Warbucks] My name is Jamie Foxx. I mean Daddy Warbucks. And I’m here to meet that adorable little girl name Annie.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan and Daddy Warbucks. White Annie walks in]

White Annie: I’m right here, sir. Orphan Annie at your service.

Daddy Warbucks: No, no, no! I want the black Annie.

[Cut to White Annie]

White Annie: Oh, okay. Um, but I might get in trouble for this. [starts acting black] Yo, yo, yo! Wad up, playa?

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks]

Daddy Warbucks: No! Just please stop right now. I mean the all new black Annie. The one Ms. Hannigan sent me a photo of.

Black Annie: Alright, here I come.

[Cut to Black Annie walking in in a children outfit.]

What’s up? Annie in the house.

[Black Annie walks to Daddy Warbucks]

I was taking my pills and vitamins. You know, I gotta stay strong. You know what I’m saying?

Daddy Warbucks: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What the fazey? What the fizzle? I mean, who is this woman?

Black Annie: And who the hell is this sexy rich bastard?

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: Mr. Warbucks, this is Annie Shivau. We believe she is Haitian.

Black Annie: And I haven’t proved it yet, but I think my dad is Wyclef Jean. You know what I’m saying? And my mom is Bonnie Raitt.

Daddy Warbucks: How old are you?

Black Annie: 43 baby. But I can still go all night.

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Daddy Warbucks: And you’re still an orphan?

Black Annie: Man, I’m everything. I’m an orphan. I’m a veteran. I did a half a season in the WNBA.

[White Annie comes in]

White Annie: Oh, black Annie, you’ve lived quite a life.

Black Annie: White Annie, I will slap you right now.

[White Annie leaves]

Daddy Warbucks: I’m a very rich man. And if I adopt you, I’m worried you might take my money.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: I promise Annie’s a very sweet girl.

Black Annie: Yeah! And I’m useful too.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: She’s great at making spreads for college football.
Black Annie: Damn straight!

Ms. Hannigan: She defended herself in court five times.

Black Annie: So, I’m basically a lawyer.

Ms. Hannigan: Oh! And she can palm a pumpkin.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie. Daddy Warbucks holds a pumpkin with her one fist]

Black Annie: Coz I got some big ass hand.

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie

Daddy Warbucks: Well, I’m not sure you’re the little orphan girl I’m looking for, Annie. But I am in need of a security guard.

[Daddy Warbucks puts his hand out for a handshake.]

Black Annie: For real, Daddy Warbucks? You will not regret this.

[Daddy Warbucks hugs Black Annie]

Daddy Warbucks: Oh, my back! Easy!

Black Annie: The only thing is, I need my money up front and I don’t work weekdays and I got three kids that you’ll probably gonna have to adopt too.

[Cut to the girls]

Cecily: The sun will come out

Kate: Tomorrow

The girls: Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: There’ll be sun

Daddy Warbucks: [yelling] Ay! [Cut to Daddy Warbucks] Why are you all trying to steal my moment? This is not about you orphan bitches. This about black Annie.

[rock music playing]

[Cut to everybody. Kenan walks in dancing and singing]

Kenan: Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Black Annie was in town, bam, bam
but not gonna be around, bam, bam
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!

Back Home Ballers

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

Cameron Diaz

[Starts with a van stopping in front of a house]

[Cut to the license plate, “New York GRGIRLS”]

[The door of the van opens, and the music video starts.]

Aidy: Your girls are back.

[Girls are coming out of the van one by one]

Kate: Kate

Cecily: Cecily

Sasheer: Sasheer

Vanessa: Vanessa

Leslie: Leslie

Cameron Diaz: Cameron

Aidy: And your Lil’ Baby Aidy

Kate: We’re home for thanksgiving y’all.

Cecily: And our parents are real happy to see us.

Vanessa: So, they’re gonna treat us like queens.

Aidy: This may be their house

Cameron Diaz: But for the next four days, we ’bout to run this bitch.

[drums rolling and music starts]

Kate: [rapping] Walk in the door hand my bag to the ballet
in case you’re wondering, it’s my daddy
head straight to the fridge like a boss yo’

[The fridge is full of groceries]

Hell yeah! My mom went to Cosco

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: [rapping] It ain’t my house but I’ll tear it up
get a plate real dirty, won’t clean it up
then I run to the washer laundry, game unlock
gonna do a whole lot for just one sock

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
If I want something, I just holla’
I do what I want and I get what I want
coz my parents miss their daughter

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] This whole damn house is a shrine to me
coz everybody here is obsessed with me.
my second grade’s drawings are framed like Picasso
If I say, “Mom, tacos”, my mom will make tacos

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: [rapping] We always see a movie but it can’t be us
so we settle on penguins or meet a guest car
and as a nice gesture, I bought all the tickets
Psyke! Not a chance. My dad friggin did it.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: [rapping] Mom needs help, I pretend to be napping
even though I could hear all that is happening
It sounds like she really needs help in the kitchen
but if she thinks I’m moving, then she must be trippin

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
and grandma says I look taller
they wait on me like I’m sick leave
that’s a light from back home, baller

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] Taking up the trash, all my neighbors spot me
they sworm around me like my own paparazzi
talking and stalking they can’t get enough of me
wondering, questioning, what’s going on with me

[Cut to a woman asking Aidy a question]

Woman: So, what’s going on with you?

Aidy: Um, the same. Okay, Jean, bye!

[Aidy walks away from the woman]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: [rapping] Once everyone’s in bed, I go insane
heroine, marijuana, crack, cocaine
are not what I wanna watch, cheese and chips
and so put on some very old, Chris White’s tricks

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [rapping] getting free wifi like a dope ass hoe
the password was seventeen Os
then bSasheerVanessaltng
then capital X, then 333
then 1458tdq
and 314 and w

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Hold up! Y’all don’t even know how pimp it is at my mom’s house. That bitch puts out so many bowls of things for me, it’s insane. I’m up to my ass in

[rapping] bowls, bowls, all type of bowls
chips and candies and she shell bowls
my mom’s got bowls for everything
flowers and nuts and everything
bowl on a toilet, bowl on a shelf,
bowl of m&ms, I can help myself
she puts out these bowls for me
and any bowl I like, I get for free

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
in pajamas that cost $Aidy0
tell my mother that I love her more than any friggin other
that’s a life from a back home baller

Cameron Diaz: Damn straight, y’all!

Kate: Love you, mom and dad. We out.

Aidy: See you in a month for Christmas. We doing this all again.

Match’d

Jerry Tremain… Woody Harrelson

Deseray… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with MTV video intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV, your DVR must be empty. Next up, it’s Match’d!

[Cut to Match’d show set.]

Jerry: Hello everyone, I’m your host Jerry Tremain and welcome to Match’d where one lucky girl gets to choose from these three guys.

[Cut to the guys]

[Cut to Jerry and

Today’s girl is Deseray. Deseray, why don’t you tell us about yourself?

Deseray: I’m horny as hell and here to fix that.

Jerry: Well, that’s one way to start. Let’s get right to it then. Deseray, what’s your first question?\

Deseray: Guy number one, I’m a nasty girl. What would you do to impress me.

Beck: Well, I’m a waiter. So, I know food. I would take you back to my house and show you my special ingredient. My penis.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Ooh! Sounds ya! Okay, guy number two.

Kyle: Well, I’m also a waiter. But I might as well be a roller coaster, coz I’ll give you the ride of your life and make you scream, from head to butt.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: I like that stuff. Guy number three?

Taran: I’m a waiter as well. But my thing’s about the library. We would go there and check out my doomy decimal system.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Those are some pretty sexual answers, guys.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Well, as far as I know, I’m the horniest guy I know, Jerry.

Kyle: And I’m even hornier, Jerry.

Taran: I’m so horny Jerry, I’m about to explode.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, well take this opportunity to learn a little bit more about Deseray. She is from Saint Louis, Messieurs.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Oh, yeah!

Taran: I’m horny.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: She’s 18 years old.

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: That’s so hot right now.

Beck: Yeah!

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: And she’s my daughter.

[Cut to the guys. They are silent.]

[audience laughing]

Kyle: What’s up?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, should we continue? Deseray.

Deseray: Okay, guy number one, just a second ago, you said you were the horniest guy you know.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No, ma’am. That’s not what I said.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: What’s the best way to turn you on?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Well, first, I would make sure you were fully clothed because I believe a girl’s– when she’s fully clothed, that’s when she’s the most sexy, sir. And then I would ask to meet your mother so that I could check the hand of the woman who brought you into this world.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Can’t shake hand to the ghost. Guy number two. What’s your idea of a sexy date?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, sir, I just want to start off by saying thank you for having me on your show, sir. That’s why I’m merely here after all. To learn about the game show industry and it all comes to together, sir. Like, were you always a game show host, sir?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: No, before this, I was active duty marine for 25 years. Now, answer the question.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. On our date, I would take Deseray to a war memorial, sir. Because it’s important to reflect on our fallen heroes. Especially since it was just Veterous day.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Veterous day?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. Veterous day, the day we celebrate our veterous.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Are you saying veterous?

Deseray: Okay, guy number three. You were told to bring me a fun little gift.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Pass!

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: No, you can’t pass. Show it to me in front of my dad

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh! Okay, I brought you panties … which belonged to my great grandmother. And I wanted you to have them because I believe in family, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Your grandmother owned crotch-less panties?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, sir, that hole is just because they’re very old, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Oh, yes. Guy number one, we had you write me a sexy poem before the show. Can I hear it now?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Would it be possible for me to make some revisions first, ma’am?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Just read it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [reading the poem] Roses are red, my balls are blue

why don’t you bend over, so I can see inside you

And so to clarify, my intention was to look all the way up inside her to her beautiful brain.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: That’s physically impossible.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yes, sir. Good feedback. Might I add, you’re doing a great job of keeping this moving.

[reminder sound]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, that sound means it’s part of the show called “The Moment Alone” where I go back stage and give you four a moment alone. See you in a bit.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry leaves the set.]

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Well, is that for real? He’s gone?

[Cut to Deseray]

Deseray: Yeah!

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Okay, I’m so horny for you. I’m the horniest guy here.

Beck: Not true, because I’m horny for you in front and back. Yes, please.

Kyle: I’m horny but a gentleman. And since you’re a lady, you can go down on me first.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry walks back in.]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Alright everyone. How was your moment alone?

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: Excellent sir. We mostly just let your daughter talk and we listened, sir. She is truly special, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: I agree. Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll all watch footage from their moment alone. We’ll be right back with more “Match’d”.