Tag: Cecily Strong

Calvin Klein Ad part 3

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Model… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a model walking her baby on a stroller.]

[Justin Bieber is in the stroller and he opens the hood.]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl. You miss me? I just had a nappy, yo!

[Justin Bieber is running in his underwear]

[Justin Bieber tries to opens model’s pants too]

Model: No!

Justin Bieber: Believer baby!

My Kevin.

Male voice: Calvin.

Justin Bieber: Kevin.

Male voice: Calvins.

Justin Bieber: My Calvins.

[drums rolling]

[Ends with outro that says “#mycalvins Calvin Klein Jeans.”]

Calvin Klein Ad part 1

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Justin Bieber playing drums and 2 is posing as a model.]

[Cut to video bumper for “Justin Bieber for Calvin Klein”]

Justin Bieber: I’m a big boy now

[Justin Bieber starts playing the drums again]

[Justin Bieber and 2 are posing with Calvin Klein on]

Justin Bieber: This tattoo made me say, “Ou-wii”.

[Justin Bieber is trying to touch 2’s breasts but 2 keeps moving his hands away.]

Justin Bieber: I’m not supposed to drink but I do.

Justin Bieber: Yo! My peepee’s in there. My Calvins.

[ends with outro that says ‘#mycalvins’ and ‘Calvin Klein Jeans’.]

[cheers and applause]

Calvin Klein Ad part 1

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Model… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a model in her set not knowing what to do.]

[Justin Bieber wearing his undergarments silently walks to her and scares her.]

[drums rolling]

[Justin Bieber is flexing his Calvin Klein underwear, his muscles and his tattoos.]

Justin Bieber: Are my muscles cute?

[the model shakes her head no]

[Justin Bieber plays basketball with the model but she doesn’t want to play]

[Justin Bieber is riding a scooter]

Justin Bieber: Yo! All this underwear is making me tired.

My Calvins, close from my big wiener.

[Ends with outro that says “#mycalvins Calvin Klein Jeans”]

[Cut to Justin Bieber dribbling the ball, and then touching the models thighs.]

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.]

[Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing]

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

[music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.]

[the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio]

[Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.]

[Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?

 

Girlfriends Talk Show with Amy Adams and One Direction

Morgan… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Megan… Amy Adams

Dancer guys… One Direction

[Starts with Girlfriends talk show intro]

Female singing: Girlfriends talking about guys and stuff
Girlfriends talking about you guys and clothes
Girlfriends talk show.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Morgan and Cara at their set.]

Cara: Hi, I am Cara and this is how I do me.

Morgan: Yeah. And I am Morgan, and I do myself a few different ways.

Cara: Morgan, don’t say it like that. We’re BFFs.

Morgan: Yeah, Best Fabulous Females.

Cara: I haven’t seen Morgan in a while coz she has been really busy with the school dance team.

Morgan: Yeah. My involvement with the dance squad has basically taken over my life. It’s my passion. It’s totally eclipsed loom art.

Cara: Then you’re gonna love our surprise guest, Morgan. I invited captain of your dance squad. She’s gonna tell us how good you are.

Morgan: Oh, no. Ask me first. Always!

Cara: Please welcome Megan Carter Cosgro.

[Megan walks in a cheerleader outfit and sits beside Cara.]

[cheers and applause.]

Megan: Hi, Cara. Thanks for having me on your show. Morgan and I haven’t seen each other in a long, long time.

Cara: Why, isn’t she in your dance squad?

Megan: Well, that is a really interesting question. Is Morgan on my dance squad?

Morgan: Hmm, mother earth, please, take me away. Give me the powers of flight.

Megan: Um, do you wanna tell her the truth, Morgan? Coz, I’m known as the sweetie and I think the answer will embarrass you.

Cara: So, just say it Morgan.

Morgan: Very well. I am a fourth alternate. I basically just hang out and I wait for a disaster to happen to someone.

Cara: Awesome! First topic… Dance moves—

Morgan: [interrupting Cara] True life angel stories.

Cara: Dance moves.

Morgan: Oh, no.

Megan: Yeah, Morgan. Since you claim to be a part of the team, you must know all of the dances.

Morgan: Oh, this is a girl trap. I can feel it.

Megan: Let’s do, body pump 2,000.

[music playing]

[Morgan and Megan stand to dance.]

[Megan dances but Morgan is just shaking her body.]

Cara: Well, one of you wasn’t doing the dance and my gut says Morgan.

Morgan: I was just marking it. I’m saving it out for the show.

Megan: But you’re not in the show.

Morgan: Okay. Well, if four girls get hurt, I am in the show. So, you better take your chewable vitamins along with your bitch sandwich and then go ahead and sit on the sandwich as well.

Cara: Morgan! Chill out.

Megan: The real reason Morgan isn’t in the team is because she seizes up when any of the guy dancers are around.

Morgan: Not true.

Cara: Good! Coz they’re here.

Morgan: The guys?

Cara: Yeah. Please welcome Bret, Parker, Brandon, Brason and Scot.

[The guys walk in dancing wearing the matching outfit as Megan]

Bret: What’s up, Morgan?

Parker: Hello, Morgan.

Brandon: What’s up, girl?

Brason: Yo!

Scot: What’s up?

Brason: Long time no see, girl.

Scot: How’s your guinea pig?

[Cut to Morgan and Cara]

Morgan: I wana-ta-ta-yai-yai… [she can’t speak]

[Cut to everybody]

Megan: See?

Cara: Morgan, make a word.

Morgan: G-G-G-Gout!

Bret: Hey, Cara.

Cara: Hey.

Parker: Hello, Cara.

Cara: Hi.

Brandon: What’s up?

Cara: Hi.

Brason: What’s up?

Morgan: Wait, how did they all know you?

Cara: Oh, they’re all my ex-boyfriends. No hard feelings, right guys? People change, people move on, people grow.

Megan: Yeah, I heard you’re dating a cool older guy.

Cara: Yeah! My boyfriend’s older. He lives on a house boat now coz of water laws, coz he hates housing taxes. He says they’ll have to price taxes from his cold dead hands. I’ve never been on it. Every Sunday, I go to the dock and stand on a shrimp cage and eat a lobster roll while he watches from a tiny port hole. Sometimes I can see one eye looking at me. Other times just a mouth laughing. My boyfriend’s crazy!

Parker: As long as you’re happy…

Brandon: We happy!

Megan: Guys, you know what would make great TV? Us dancing.

Bret: Hey, Morgan. Can I have this dance with you?

Morgan: Oh, my god. I am blasting out of my pants right now.

Cara: Morgan, you didn’t mean to say that out loud I think.

Morgan: No, you are right. Cara, let the dancing begin.

[music playing]

[everybody are dancing, including Morgan]

[cheers and applause]

A Very Cuban Christmas

Gloria Estefan… Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Taran Killam

Hurley…Bobby Moynihan

Tony Montana… Kyle Mooney

Tony’s girlfriend… Amy Adams

Elian Gonzalez… Pete Davidson

Diana Nyad… Kate McKinnon

Cuba Gooding Jr. … Kenan Thompson

Rahul Castro… Fred Armisen

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with logos of NBC and CUBA VISION]

Male voice: The following is a joint podcast from NBC and CUBA VISION.

[Cut to ‘A Very Cuban Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: It’s a very Cuban Christmas with your very Cuban host, [Cut to Gloria Estefan and Pitbull] Gloria Estefan and Pitbull.

[cheers and applause]

Gloria Estefan: Alright! [speaks in Cuban language]

Pitbull: [speaks in Cuban language] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gloria Estefan: Tonight we celebrate the fact that Cuba and the United States have resumed diplomatic relations after 50 years.

Pitbull: Now, later on in the program, we welcome Cuban baseball legend, Jose Canseco who’s gonna show us how to reattach a finger after shooting off your own hand.

Gloria Estefan: That’s gonna be fun.

Pitbull: But first, a word from our sponsor.

Male voice: A Very Cuban Christmas is sponsored by [Cut to an old car] 1957 Chevy Bel Air. ‘It’s Our Newest Car’.

[Cut to Pitbull]

Pitbull: Okay, now obviously, Cuba is very excited about having American tourists. Gloria, don’t you have something to say about that?

Gloria Estefan: Oh, you know I do.

[music playing]

[Gloria Estefan walks in with two back up dancers.]

[singing] Come everybody, visit Cuba
spend all your money on cigars and scuba
so much better here than in a room-a
maybe give us one of your aromas please

[Cut to Hurley]

Hurley: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. Modern electronic sure are hard to come by here in Cuba. Hi, I’m Hurley from Lost. And yes, I am Cuban, dude. And so is our next guest. Scarface himself, Tony Montana.

[Cut to Tony Montana]

Tony Montana: That’s right. Here I am and I brought my girlfriend too. You okay baby?

[Tony’s girlfriend walks in. She has cocaine all over her nose.]

Tony’s girlfriend: I’m way okay.

Tony Montana: Now, the best news is the embargo in Cuba has been lifted. Tell them what that means, baby.

Tony’s girlfriend: First, we get the money. Then we get the cellphone. Then we get the Walmart.

Tony Montana: That’s right. Now why don’t you say hello to my little friend? It’s Elian Gonzalez.

[Elian Gonzalez walks in]

He’s a grown up.

Elian Gonzalez: Hello everyone.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: You’re sort of a folk hero here in Cuba. You crossed the ocean to America in a boat back in 1999.

[Diana Nyad walks in a swimming costume]

Diana Nyad: Oh, that’s not a hero.

Gloria Estefan: Excuse me. Who are you?

Diana Nyad: I’m an American swimmer Diana Nyad. [Cut to Diana Nyad] Hey! You came to America in a boat? Oh! Big whoop! I swam the Cuba! 90 miles of open ocean you little bitch! It’s called America. Look it up. Oh!

[Cut to Gloria Estefan, Tony Montana, Tony’s girlfriend and Elian Gonzalez]

Gloria Estefan: Okay, let’s hear a word from our other sponsor.

[Cut to an old man holding a small teacup.]

Male voice: Tiny Cups of Coffee. You have just enough energy to sit in a folding chair outside of a bakery? Then get a Tiny Cup of Coffee.

[Cut to Cuba Gooding Jr.]

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Ha-ha. So fun. Hi, I am Cuba Gooding Jr. I’m not actually Cuban. But yeah, yeah. I’m pulling this for free. Let me introduce you to the man behind this entire agreement, Cuba’s de facto leader, Rahul Castro.

[Rahul Castro walks in]

Rahul Castro: Ola, welcome to Cuba. On behalf of myself and my brother Fidel, or should I say Papa Noel. That’s pretty fun. Also joining us live from his vacation in Hawaii is my new best friend and your socialist president, Barack Obama.

[Cut to split screen of Rahul Castro and Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hold on! Wait, did you say socialist?

Rahul Castro: And as part of our deal, all Cubans now have full access to Obamacare.

Barack Obama: Nope.

Rahul Castro: Which is not really great option if they want worse healthcare. Also, this is very exciting, all Cubans are now are about to be full Jewish citizens.

Barack Obama: No, that’s not accurate. Okay, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this–

[Barack Obama’s channel is disrupted.]

Rahul Castro: Looks like we lost him there. [Cut to Rahul Castro] Again, we only have one cellphone tower for 11 million people and it’s actually just a stack of all bicycles.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: Remember now, Cuba isn’t only about Christmas. In fact, if it’s anything like Miami, Cuba will soon be 80% Jewish. So to close the show, here’s Pitbull with his special Hanukkah song.

[Rahul Castro and Gloria Estefan leave the stage while Pitbull walks in with two ladies backup dancers.]

Pitbull: Ha-ha-ha-ha. This one’s for all my Jews out there celebrating Christmas. Dos, thres, Pitbull…

[music playing]

[rapping] swing your dreidel round and round
man who said is going down
eight nights line up the crow
Jews and Cuba are holy brown

Jews! You driving me crazy!

[Gloria Estefan and Rahul Castro walk in]

Gloria Estefan: Thanks for watching.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A 2014 study shows that despite the wealth of talented actresses in Hollywood, women still remain grossly unrepresented when it comes to major film roles. Here to give us her take, a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Heather: Hi, Colin. I’m Heather, from work. You probably haven’t noticed me because I wear glasses. But later I might take them off and you might notice me.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Thanks for coming. Um..

Heather: You’re welcome Jost. And I’m calling you by your last name coz I’m fun and crazy and surprising and hot, and a girl. Confusing, right? Welcome to my world. I sleep in New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, that’s good to know.

Heather: I’m just– I’m not one of those girls who just eats salads. I like burgers and wings and beer. I just have a body of a salad girl. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what are your thoughts on the lack of a well written female role in Hollywood?

Heather: Since when are you interested in my thoughts? All you care about is pulling stunts like the one back there at the big meeting. You completely screwed up my presentation. One day, you’re gonna have to grow up.

Colin Jost: I feel like you’re confusing me with someone else.

Heather: Hey, what are you doing here? Get out of here! I’m chancing. I was almost in my bra and panties. So, annoying because I actually started liking you.

[Heather looks downwards and starts crying]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you crying?

Heather: Nice try.

Colin Jost: Look, I’m really sorry. I have zero idea what’s going on right now. But I did not mean to hurt your feelings.

Heather: Wow, you really have changed.

Colin Jost: I have.

Heather: Yeah, it’s all over your face. You know, when we started this conversation, I didn’t believe in you. But what you did back there, that really took balls. And I’m not going to river with Dave. I’m staying right here with you at the record store.

Colin Jost: What record store?

Heather: My sassy black friend Tracy said you were funny. Bitch didn’t lie.

[romantic music playing. Heather removes her glasses.]

Colin Jost: Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you there.

Heather: Yeah, it’s me. Heather from work. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Extremely. a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves]

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]

Sump’n Claus

Jay Phroah

Pete Davidson

Sump’n Claus… Kenan Thompson

Two girls… Cecily Strong, Sasheer Zamata

Sheila… Venessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Marcus… Martin Freeman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jay sitting on a couch when Pate walks in]

Jay: Hey, what’s up man? How was the concert?

Pate: It sucked. Me and my buddies got busted for drinking in the parking lot. Santa’s not bringing me anything this year.

Jay:  Ah! Don’t worry about it man! You always get a visit from Sump’n Claus.

Pate: Who’s that?

[Cut to Sump’n Claus book. The book opens.]

[Cut to Sump’n Claus walking with two women behind him]

[music playing]

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Yeah! Everybody get Sump’n
everybody getting Sump’n

Two women: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: [rapping] Was a girl name Sheila

[Cut to Sheila decorating her Christmas tree.]

had a meet with a man

[Cut to Kyle]

They were supposed to go to dinner

[Cut to Sheila and Kyle arguing]

but he had other plans
he said she was dominating
tried to take her diamond earrings
said that she was profiteering
soon he would be mis-appearing
she got mad, was on fire
took a knife inside his tyres
boom and boom, guns in fire
Santa said you no longer qualify-ya
But you know what I said?

[Cut to Sheila being sad, but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives her money.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

and I’m not talking about no toys

I give cash.

white envelope filled with 20s, sometimes 50s. Cash! And where am I getting this cash? Hey, man. We don’t need to talk about that.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Here’s a story about Marcus

[Cut to Marcus at his office]

He’s working for the man

[Cut to Beck yeeling at Marcus]

works super long hours
does everything he can
one day he had all he can handle
threw everything and caused a scandal
broke his computer in the shambles
the mess he made was quite substantial 

[Cut to Marcus attacking Beck and getting arrested]

He got fired, got arrested
cops throw out but we protested
Santa said, “Man, you’ve been rejected”
but you know what I say

[Marcus is leaving office with his stuffs but Sump’n Claus slides in and gives him an envelope filled with cash.]

Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

Oh, you sweating Santa being mad at you? What you thought y’all was friends? He sees you when you sleeping. That’s weird. I’ma tell you a secret. He hit somebody with that sleighs. Don’t like to talk about it.

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: Let me tell you my story
it was a long time ago
I used to work for Santa
up at the North Pole
one day I was working at my station
Mrs. Claus started a conversation
both of us felt a sweet sensation
so we agreed on recreation
brought me inside, made some coco
she served me something so loco
Santa walked in and said, “That’s a no no”
but you know what I said
Everybody’s getting Sump’n
Everybody’s getting Sump’n

[Cut to the girls singing and dancing]

The girls: Everybody’s been naughty
everybody’s got flaws
if you’ve been cross off Santa’s list
here come’s Sump’n Claus

Sump’n Claus: And I’m talking about everybody. Justin Bieber getting Sump’n. Paula Deen getting Sump’n. Donald Sterling getting Sump’n. Suge Knight getting Sump’n. Kevin Bacon is getting Sump’n.

Sasheer: What’s wrong with Kevin Bacon?

Sump’n Claus: Oh, nothing. He’s just my homie.

[Cut to everybody getting Sump’n and being happy.]

Go ahead, be naughty. I got you!

[music stops]