Tag: episode 17

Aidy Bryant’s Childhood Journal

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her house.]

Aidy: I recently found a bunch of my real old journals and they’re such a good window to our past. So, I figured let’s see what’s inside.

[Cut to Aidy’s Real Journals video bumper]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

This first one is my actual real journal from second grade.  “I hope I licke my new school.” Sad face with tears. And that’s a classic dumb ass trying to emote word for herself but also unable to write or read.

Let’s see, what else here? Hah! Oh! Look at that. That looks like a turd flying above the ocean.

Oh, this is kind of the 90s iguana cover and there’s a “Glamour on the go” nail fire keychain that’s attached in case while I’m writing, I wanna look gorgeous. Which of course is always the case. Over the course of history, many journals have become sort of a great record of time and hardship. You know, what are these memoirs, what are these journals? They’re always a list of cool stuff. Things such as tamacatchis, kooshlings, TV, phones, shoping or shopping if you will. And so, there’s a focus on being a consumer. But there’s also Rosie O’Donell who got a special page noting her as “My role model” for the summer and at the bottom, I’ve made sure if there are any questions, I’m answering it with “Okay.”

At this point, I was nine years old and what are nine year olds in love with? Horses? No. Pop stars? No. The answer is turtles. Okay? And I love turtles so much. But not enough to learn how to spell the word. And so, I doubled hard on “Turtels.” “Turtels, turtels, turtels.” But at the bottom here, I’ve made an important note and it’s coming from a speech bubble from noone. “But I won’t eat them!” So, don’t think I was gonna eat my turtles, guys.

I still write often and you know, pretty much from 14 to 28, these are all just about how horny and sad I am. When are we gonna be able to get the hell out of our houses? I can’t keep looking back at the past and I have nothing inside of here that is the future. I don’t know what to say anymore. Help. Help.

I’m doing fine and I hope to see you real soon.

Weekend Update- Mark Zuckerberg on Cambridge Analytica

Colin Jost

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next week, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will testify before congress about Facebook’s alleged mishandling millions of users’ data. Here to comment, is Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello, Colin. Begin eye contact. [looks at Colin Jost] Two, three, and away. [looks at the camera] Nailed it.

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Wow. That was great, Mark. Thanks for being here. You know, a lot of people now are calling on you to resign from Facebook. Are you gonna step down?

Mark Zuckerberg: No way, homie.  Because according to our datasets, I don’t have to and you can’t make me. But I do recognize that Facebook has mishandled our user’s private data. And tonight, I’d like to apologize to 87 million of you. One by one. I’m sorry, Ethan Cooper of Van Nuys, California for disclosing that you frequently visit your ex girlfriend’s photo album titled Cancun 2010, specially one photo for average of 2.3 minutes.

Colin Jost: See, I think that’s the kind of info people don’t want out there. Like, why would anyone–

[Mark Zuckerberg pokes Colin Jost]

Mark Zuckerberg: Poke. Poke. Remember that feature? Poke. Poke. Ha-ha. It was flirting for cowards. Hey, remember? They made a movie about me. Yeah. It was called “Gladiator.” Hah! That’s a joke. Funny, huh Colin? Hah!

Colin Jost: Are you laughing or screaming?

Mark Zuckerberg: Absolutely, homie. Look, unlike my facial expression, Facebook is going to change.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So, users will be able to delete their data?

Mark Zuckerberg: Pfft, no.

Colin Jost: Not? Why not?

Mark Zuckerberg: Because it’s mine. You gave it to me. No backsies. And if you don’t like it, you can suck it. Hah! Hah! Hah! Hey, Colin, remember we were best friends at Harvard?

Colin Jost: No, we were not friends.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah. I remember. I was like, “I can’t steal Winklevoss’s idea.” And you were like, “Do it nerd. I dare you.”

Colin Jost: No, I did not say that.

Mark Zuckerberg: Anyway. I took your advice and now I’m rich. Dab! My point is, sure. Maybe Facebook sold out our democracy to Russian troll farms. My bad? But on the other hand, Farmville! To be honest, I feel great about Facebook’s future. I sleep easy at night upside down in my pressurized sleep egg. And sure, I still have all your photos, your memories, your unspoken thoughts and fears. But America, look me in my shark eyes when I say this, that on behalf of everyone at Facebook, I am sorry… opposite day. Hah! Hah! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Mark Zuckerberg, everyone.

Mark Zuckerberg: Dab! I’m dabbing.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of series of stories in the news this week. But here with Weekend Update’s good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, Angel.

[Angel slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Hey, Angel, how are you?

Angel: [cracking voice] I’m doing my best.

Michael Che: Hey, you seem kind of upset.

Angel: Yeah, well, it’s the weekend. So, guess who’s gonna fight.

Michael Che: Your boyfriend?

Angel: Yeah. That’s right. Tommy is fighting.

Michael Che: Are you going?

Angel: No. I’m not going, okay? I will not be at that ring and I will not be at my house. But I will be at a house, and that house belongs to my sister because I’m taking my kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Okay, Angel. Let’s talk about some good news. Are you excited for the royal wedding?

Angel: Oh, god!

Michael Che: What did I say?

Angel: Oh, yeah. Make a Meghan Markle. You think you’re marrying a prince on a white horse? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Until my prince riding on a white stretcher, alright? Fairytale’s over. You know, I may buy most of my groceries at a gas station, but I’m a good mom to my kids. Mikey, Mickey, Pepper and my precious baby Keno.

Michael Che: You named your son Keno?

Angel: Daughter. So, if Meghan Markle decides to walk down that isle, I won’t be at that royal wedding.

Michael Che: Were you even invited?

Angel: Doesn’t matter coz I’m taking my kids to my sister’s. Did you hear? Did you hear me, Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah, I heard you.

Angel: Did Colin? Coz I want Colin in the loop.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m hearing everything you’re saying.

Michael Che: Hey, this is a fun story. So, this week a woman donated $1 million to Washington State Parks–

Angel: Oh! Washing State Parks. Yeah. Are you kidding me? You think just because you win a little prize money, suddenly everything’s gonna be okay? All the money in the world ain’t gonna change what’s coming to you. That’s right, global warming. And when climate change knocks you out, Washington State Parks, I’m not gonna be there. I’m gonna be at 555 Whiney Bulger way.

Michael Che: And that is–

Angel: My sister’s, alright? And I’d go to my brother’s but he is in prison and his wife’s a bitch.

Michael Che: Yeah. We should probably move on. Did you hear Roseanne is back?

Angel: Oh, what? What? I thought they retired that show in the 90s.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Angel: But now they’re gonna bring it back? And I’m supposed to believe that it’s different just coz Darlene’s got a gay son? No, I don’t need no fancy reboot, alright? I’m ride or die. I still watch “Fraiser” at VHS. Yeah.

Michael Che: Hey, Angel, I was just wondering. Where are your kids right now?

Angel: Oh, you sick Michael. At my sister’s.

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on New Security Measures in Parkland

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of kids wearing transparent bags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The students at Stoneman Douglas high school face new security precautions including rule requiring everyone to wear clear book bags. Is that supposed to keep guns out? Nobody comes to school with a gun and their books. When a mailman goes postal, he doesn’t also finish his route.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person spraining his ankle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the master’s tournament, golfer Tony Finau sprained his ankle while celebrating a hole in one. So, no, golfers are not athletes.

[Picture changes to Australian flag and a knife]

A man in Australia who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight ordered another drink with a knife still in his back. And then by law, he became the president of Australia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York city’s MTA had to suspend a subway train because someone smeared feces inside of a car. That sounds bad. But that’s also how amazing the subway system is in New York. You can see feces smeared inside and that still won’t be the last time you ride the subway. At most, you might switch cars. If you saw feces smeared anywhere else, you’d be like, “Well, I guess we don’t visit anymore.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whale at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that bow-head whales perform jazz-like improvisations when singing. Which explains why all the other whales hate them.

[Picture changes to a calendar and a bowl of noodles]

Wednesday was ramen noodle day but if you’re depressed enough, everyday is ramen noodle day.

Weekend Update on National Guard at Mexican Border

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of news articles at left top corner.]

Well, the national guard has been deployed to the Mexican border. Our trade war with China keeps escalating. And a pornstar says she can give a detailed description of the president’s penis. And yes, I listed those stories from least to most disturbing.

President Trump deployed the national guard to the Mexican border even though the report showed illegal border crossings are at the lowest level since 1971. It’s all part of Trump’s philosophy. “If it ain’t broke, I’ll break it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So now, Trump is sending the national guard? Not even the army? This is such a Trump move. He promises a big beautiful wall and then the wall becomes a fence. And then the fence becomes the army. And then the army becomes the national guard. Pretty soon it’s just gonna be “Beware of dog” sign.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a tyre, blood pint and salt at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump administration has also published a list of Chinese exports that could be targeted for terrorist including salt, rubber and animal blood. Which are the exact ingredients in Monster energy drink.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Twitter logo]

President Trump defended his trade policies on Twitter saying this about our trade deficit with China. [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “When you’re already $500 billion down, you can’t lose!” [Cut to Colin Jost] What kind of degenerate gamble logic is that? It can always get worse, man.  If your plane loses an engine after take off, the pilot doesn’t say, “We’re still flying to Hawaii anyway coz when you’re already one engine down, you can’t lose.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of US flag, Chinese flag and drt nuts at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Among the US products facing higher tariffs with dry nuts, something Trump administration is very familiar with. Experts say that Trump’s new tariffs will directly hurt US manufacturers. But why would Donald Trump care about what experts say? Experts also said that he couldn’t win the presidency. And that eating four bags of McDonald’s a day will kill you. But somehow there he is healthy as a fat horse. I don’t think we want to get in trade war with China though. If Canal street has taught me anything, it’s that there is nothing we have that the Chinese can’t just make themselves. I mean, that’s where i get all my Fucci from. [Picturec hanges to fake Gucci bag]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fucci? this week shade queen Donald Trump also repeatedly attacked Amazon on twitter. If I were Amazon, I would just toll him right back. I’d just constantly send the White House copies of Fire and Fury and Stormy Daniels DVDs, or things Trump really hate like vegetables.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin]

Kremlin officials are also saying that during a call last month, president Trump invited Vladimir Putin to come visit him at the White House. Worse, when Trump hung up, he accidentally said, “Love you. Bye.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels lawyer claimed that CBS edited out a clip of Daniels’ 60 minutes interview in which she described the president’s genitalia. Good. Thank you. I don’t want that image burned in my brain. Stormy is like that person who goes, “Oh, this is so gross. Taste it.” No! I believe you. Stop trying to tell us what Donald Trump’s penis is like. If I wanted to know what a 70 year old’s penis look like, I’d go down to the NBC gym.

Warehouse Fire

Chief… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Cooper… Chris Redd

Daniels… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with firefighters working at a burning scene.]

Chief: Alright. What’s the situation?

Beck: We can’t get it out of control, sir. Our initial attack did nothing.

Chief: Alright. Let’s get these lines recharged and ready to hit it again. Is everybody out?

Cecily: Yeah. We made a complete sweep of the building. There is no one else in there.

Chief: Alright. Well then, let’s put this thing out. Cooper, you’re on master street. The rest of you back on. Let’s go.

Cooper: You got it, chief.

Chief: Hey, wait, wait. Daniels, where are you going?

Daniels: Home. It’s six. I said I have to leave at six.

Chief: For god’s sake, Daniels, you can’t go home. There’s a fire.

Daniels: I squirted it before anybody else did. I squirted it. And now it’s six and I have to go.

[others are squirting the water.]

Beck: Chief, we need more water incoming from the top.

Chief: Daniels, get on that ladder and do you job.

Daniels: My job was to squirt it and I did. Now, I’m getting out of my fireman outfit and I’m going home. It’s six.

Cooper: What happens at six?

Daniels: I prepare for tonight.

Chief: What’s the night?

Daniels: I’m keeping it vague on purpose, okay? Okay? Is that okay? Just know that it is very important to me. It is dream that is coming real tonight.

[blast]

Beck: The second floor just went down.

Chief: Ah! Come on, Daniels! Get in there.

Daniels: No, no, no. This is for me and I need this and I’m getting it. I will squirt twice as much water tomorrow on whatever you want.

Cecily: What is this thing you’re doing tonight? Just tell us.

Daniels: I said I don’t wanna say. But here’s a hint. It involves dogs and dolls.

Cooper: Wait. Dogs and dolls?

Daniels: Don’t worry about it. Just know that if everything goes great tonight, I won’t have to work here ever again.

Chief: Wait. Dogs and dolls are a money maker thing?

Daniels: Um, yeah. The investors told me I might be looking at billions of dollars by the end of June. My squirting days are numbered.

Beck: Hey, is it a line of gorgeous China baby dolls riding Lhasa Apsos?

Daniels: No. Maybe. Shut up. I’m getting out of here before you guess it.

[blast]

Chief: Come on. Just put out the fire, Daniels.

Daniels: Oh, my god. I will squirt exactly one more time and then I have to go.

Chief: Alright.

[Daniels pulls out the firehose, squirts water for few seconds and throws it away.]

Daniels: Okay, I did it.

Chief: Daniels, finish the job!

Daniels: I won’t. I won’t do it. This is how important these life sized dolls mean to me.

Cooper: Okay, okay, the life sized. That’s a clue.

Chief: Stop trying to guess his thing and squirt out and put out the fire, dammit!

Beck: Oh! I know what it is. They are life sized sex dolls with dog faces so that you can have sex with a dog person for once.

Cecily: What? Is that what it is? Like, sexy dolls with a puppy dog face?

Beck: Not puppy dogs. Handsome adult dogs.

Daniels: Oh, my god! No. They are life sized dolls that are identical to you. So when you leave home, your dog doesn’t know it. And you can talk to them using the dolls mouth using the CB radio.

Cooper: A CB radio? Not like an app through your phone?

Daniels: I don’t know. This is why I wanted to leave at six so I could iron everything before the presentation. Stop squashing my dreams.

Chief: Daniels. They already make a thing like that. Look, I have one in my truck with my dog Freckles right now.

[Cut to a dalmation sitting beside a life sized doll. But it looks nothing like a Chief. It doesn’t even look like a real person.]

Hey, Freckles. How is everything going in the truck?

Daniels: Wow. Looks exactly like it. I guess my priorities have been all wrong. So, what was that thing you said? Sex dolls with dog faces? I’m gonna switch and go with that.

[Daniels walks away]

Beck: Hey, Daniels, you’re walking into the fire.

Chief: It’s alright. Let him go.

Cooper: Really?

Chief: Yeah. Let him go.

Wakanda Forever

Chris Redd

Leslie Jones

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people getting out of movie theater after watching Black Panther.]

Chris: Man, third time seeing Black Panther and it just gets better every time.

Leslie: Like a fine black wine with abs.

Chris: Yo! Everybody in that movie has abs. I mean, the rhinos had abs.

Leslie: All I know is I would be in Wakanda forever.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: You guys talking about Black Panther, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Pete: That was hell’a dope.

Chris: It was, man. Ain’t it crazy?

Pete: Hell, yeah. Best movie in twentyeighteen. [doing the salute] Wakanda forever.

Leslie: Oh, no. I don’t like that.

Chris: No.

Pete: What? Am I doing it wrong?

Chris: No, man. I think– I think it’s that you’re doing it?

Leslie: Yeah. Something about watching you do that, it just didn’t sit right with me.

Pete: Oh. No, you don’t understand. I love Wakanda. [doing the salute again]

Chris: Ummm, see? Right? That bothers me. Why does that bother me?

Leslie: Like in a blackest part of my soul.

Chris: Right? I feel like this should be us.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Are you guys talking about Wakanda? Sweet. [doing the salute] Wakanda forever.

Chris and Leslie: Oh! No!

Chris: It’s like indigestion, but racially.

Leslie: Oh, I feel it right here. [pointing her heart] Right here.

Beck: What’s the problem? I mean, why won’t you let me love Black Panther?

Chris: No, no. I want you to love Black Panther. But Wakanda’s– you know what I’m saying?

[Chadwick walks in]

Chadwick: Y’all talking about Wakanda?

Chris: Yeah. You look like a woke ass brother to know.

Chadwick: Yeah. You know what it is.

Chris: Alright. So, right here we got a couple of white Black Panther fans.

Chadwick: Um-hmm. Always good to see you.

Beck: Of course.

Leslie: Yeah. But watch this. Hail Wakanda.

Pete and Beck: [doing the salute] Hail Wakanda.

Chadwick: Oh, yeah. I see what you mean.

Chris: Right? But wow, why don’t we like that, bro?

Chadwick: I believe I can explain. You see, the problem is that we as black people know that solute comes from Egyptian kings who were buried right hand over left to clutch the royal scepter.

Chris: Word. Word. Yeah, we all knew that.

Leslie: Yeah.

Chadwick: Salute is also the reminder that all white people are aliens who came to earth in a sleep pod.

Chris: Okay, thank you, brother. Thank you. [Chris pulling Chadwick away backwards]

Beck: We love the movie too. Why can’t we just do the salute?

Leslie: Because we know your history. You don’t give stuff back.

Pete: But there’s nothing wrong with it, you know? If you see superman, you do this. [raising his one hand with his fist closed] If you see spider-man you do this. [showing spider-man’s web shooting gesture] Wouldn’t this be the same? [showing Black Panther salute]

Leslie: I mean, I get the point. It’s cool that white boys want to do something that black superhero do.

Chris: I guess I have to agree, man. Every time I see a baseball game, I gotta do Tomahawk chop, and that feels very wrong.

Leslie: Very wrong.

Chadwick: We need to have a quick huddle.

[Chris, Leslie and Chadwick are whispering to each other]

Chris: [to Pete and Beck] Ay, yo. Could ya’ll do that Wakanda salute one more time?

[Pete and Beck do the salute]

See?

[they are whispering again]

Chadwick: Alright. Our social collect has cultivated a determination that Wakanda salute, it belongs to everyone. We’re all lucky to have you. But in exchange, you must give back dabbing.

Chris: Please. Yes.

[Pete and Beck start whispering to each other]

Beck: We’re not going to give up dabbing.

Pete: But yeah, you can have back Drake.

Chris: That’s dope. Drake’s dope.

Leslie: We’ll take Drake. We’ll take Drake.

[They all do Wakanda salute and get back to their way.]

[Kenan walks out]

Kenan: Alright! Whoo! You kids ready to go? Sorry. That bathroom line was really long. I thought I’d be in there forever. Wakanda forever. Right? You know what I’m saying?

Beck: Um. sorry stepdad. That gesture means something. You can’t just use it to salute that joke. Stay woke.

Kenan: What in the hell. Try to bond with you little sons of bitches and you ain’t gonna do it? I guess I can’t win. You know what? I will leave your mama. How you like that? [does the dab] Huh?

Nike Women’s Ad

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of women engaging in physical exercises and sports.]

[music playing]

Female voice: With Nike, women push it to the limit everyday.

[Melissa is practicing boxing on punching bag]

Melissa: Let’ just say, I roll with the punches.

Female voice: Because what you do is who you are.

Heidi: I’m a runner. I run.

Melissa: I’m a fighter. I fight.

[Aidy is sitting on a cough chilling]

Aidy: And I just sit the hell down and chill in these soft pants.

Female: Introducing the new Nike Pro-Chiller Leggings. Designed for endurance but used for what most women actually do in leggings. Setting up shop on their couch.

Kate: Coz let’s get real. Leggings can be pants, pajamas and a napkin.

Female: Nike Pro-Chiller Legging is advance enough to keep up with you wherever you go.

Heidi: The highest peak.

Melissa: The top of the podium.

Aidy: Couch. Bed. Other side of couch. Front door to receive delivery of one single bagel.

Female: With patented moisture wicking technology, 360 degrees of support and 190 degrees of hot lap.

Aidy: Coz I bring the heat. Leggings, blanket, laptop. Couch panini.

Kate: And I’m tired from my nap.

Heidi: I make my own rules.

Melissa: There are no rules.

Aidy: Except for Vanderpump rules. Hell, yeah.

Kate: Women can do anything they want. And I wanna do… Nothing!

Melissa: No fear.

Heidi: No limits.

Aidy: No bra, ever!

Kate: My Fitbit says I’m dead.

Female voice: The new Nike Pro-Chiller Legging.

Melissa: Because I can beat the odds.

Heidi: Because I can cross the finish line.

Aidy: Because I can’t just put my naked butt on the couch.

Medical Breakthrough

Dr. Connolly… Chadwick Boseman

Dr. Karen Price… Aidy Bryant

Sandra Matson… Kate McKinnon

Dave Matson… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

[Starts with Dr. Connolly and Dr. Karen Price at the podium speaking to the press. They’re both wearing aprons.]

Dr. Connolly: Thank you all for being here today. I’m Dr. Connolly, lead researcher for the fertility frontiers project. This is my brilliant supervisor Dr. Karen Price.

Dr. Karen Price: Hello.

Dr. Connolly: Nine months ago, we began working with a couple who had difficulty conceiving. But through a process, we created called ‘Paternal Embryonic Gestation’ and implanted artificial womb. Their dreams of pregnancy have come true. With one small difference. Please welcome Sandra Matson and her husband Dave Matson, history’s first pregnant man.

[Sandra and Dave walk in. Dave has pregnant belly.]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Matson, you just made history. Any comment?

Dave: Um, yeah. Anybody have olives and peanut butter? I’m having a really weird craving.

[The press laughs.]

In all seriousness, we feel so blessed that life found a way.

Sandra: Um-hmm. Now if we could only find a maternity store with a men’s section.

[everyone laughing]

Dr. Connolly: Now, we’ll open it up for questions. Yes.

Heidi: First, congratulations on this remarkable achievement. Dr. Connolly, how does the man give birth?

Dr. Connolly: Well, the plan has always been a scheduled C-section.

Dave: Two weeks from today.

Dr. Connolly: But the plan has changed.

Dave: It has?

Dr. Connolly: My team and I now believe that due to the fragility of the artificial womb, the baby must be delivered naturally through Mr. Watson’s urethra.

Dave: What?

Dr. Connolly: Who else has a question?

Dave: I do.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Chris: Hello, there. Just to be clear, the baby will come out of this man’s, um, now I’m sure there’s a classy way to say this but I’m going with pee hole?

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The elasticity of the skin and tissue in that area will stretch to accommodate the birth… hopefully.

Dave: Hopefully?

Dr. Karen Price: Yes. Picture a bowling ball going through a twizzler.

Dr. Connolly: With that said, we will be prepared for possible tuliping.

Heidi: I’m sorry, doctor. What is tuliping?

Dr. Karen Price: Oh, I can take this one. Yeah, the best way to describe it is with the Looney Tunes metaphor. So, if you recall when Bugs Bunny would put his finger in Elmer Fudd’s gun barrel? When Mr. Fudd pulled the trigger, the barrel would bush out. Peel back like tulip petals. Hence, tuliping.

Dave: Oh, my god. So, next question. Yes. The woman in the wrinkled skirt.

Cecily: Oh. That detail was unnecessary. Mr.s Madson, will you be present in the delivery room?

Sandra: Not anymore. No.

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The delivery room will be crowded. It will be all hands on the deck and few hands in deck, if you know what I mean.

Dave: No. I don’t know what you mean.

Cecily: And lastly, will Mr. Madson be given the same epidural drugs used on women?

Dr. Connolly: Oh, no.

Dave: Yeah. Stronger?

Dr. Connolly: Unfortunately, no epidural or pain numbing drugs can be used as Mr. Madson will need to push at full strength for the full 24 hour long birth.

Dave: 24? Can’t it go any faster?

Dr. Connolly: Not without significant risk of tuliping.
Dave: Stop saying tuliping. Stop.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Alex: Yes, first off, Mr. Madson, congratulations and I’m so sorry. Now, how long do you anticipate the recovery process will take?

Dave: Um, forever?

Heidi: I can’t believe no one’s asked yet. Boy or girl?

Sandra: It’s a girl. Which is good because we have a lot of girl names we like.

Dr. Connolly: Well, pick your top three because surprise, you’re having triplets. Mr. Madson, any parting words?

Dave: I mean, I’m worried about my penis.

Dr. Connolly: We all are. Thank you.

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!