episode 17 Archives - Page 6 of 12 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Quarantine Delivery

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Ego Nwodim in her house]

Ego: Hey, guys. I’m back. And is it just me or is quarantine actually kind of fun? I am loving finding you brilliant ways to be resourceful while lockdown. So, if You don’t have disinfectant wipes or alcohol or bleach, how do you disinfect the packages that come in to your house from say, Amazon? I’ve got the perfect solution for you.

[wears surgical gloves]

We got gloves. And again, if you don’t have gloves, you can always wash your hands after following the steps in this video. In fact, even if you do have gloves, you should wash you hands. Then, your gloves are on, you wanna retrieve the package. [doorbell ringing] He’s out there and he’s covered in germs.

[showing the package] Got my Amazon package. I would tell you what’s in it but it’s none of your business. Then, after you have your gloves on, you’re gonna want packing tape. Just hang on to that, put it over to the side. You can actually use any kind of tape. Packing tape, I like how wide it is. It’s one of the wider tapes. I feel like duct tape would be as effective. So, if that’s what you got, use your duct tape. Then, you’re gonna want to take a writing implement, piece of paper, any piece of paper, kind of large is better, and write “This is trash!!!” Take your tape, stick it to your package and put it outside. You know, it could say anything. You know, it could say, “I don’t want this. It has germs on it.” Return to sender. Burn this! The whole thing is to get that box out of your house coz it’s covered in germs.

OJ Address

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a screen capture of someone using Twitter. There he sees OJ Simpson’s video and plays it.]

[Cut to OJ Simpson’s video. He is holding a golf stick in his hand. He is outside the door of a house.]

OJ Simpson: Hey, Twitter. It’s me, America’s dad, OJ Simpson. I just want to send a big shoutout to my man Lauren Michaels and the whole gang over at SNL for doing another SNL at home. I know y’all thought y’all only gonna do one, and then you realized you had to do another one. Trust me, I can relate. But I’m glad that y’all are doing it because everybody could use a good laugh these days. People are just too uptight and paranoid. You know, just the other day, I took my mask off in a grocery store for two seconds. And you would have thought that I had killed somebody. Some lady screamed at me. “Nobody wants you here. You shouldn’t be out.” Which I understand the point. I mean, at my age I am at risk for the virus. But she had to throw a damn coffee at my face. Boy, people make me so mad sometimes. I just– [breathes out and throws his golf stick away]

Anyway, so, now I’m following all the rules. You ain’t got to worry about the juice. I got my gloves, [showing golf gloves] that’s right. And I got my mask. [showing hockey mask] So, there’s no reason to hate me. Okay?

[horn honking]

Stranger: You’re a monster, OJ.

OJ Simpson: Hey, you know it, my friend. He must have saw my drive over on 14. As I was saying, don’t worry about the juice, alright? I’m gonna be fine. I mean, even if I did get corona, you know I’ll beat it. I can beat anything. Well, I might not want to go that far. I mean, just my luck. I get the corona and beat it, and then I get taken out later on down the line by a lesser more harmless disease that was mine in the first place and I was just taking it back! Boy, just thinking about getting stick makes me so mad I could just–

But anyway, remember to follow me on tiktok. Yeah, there’s fun little alibies of me goofing around. Ha-ha-ha. Alright, the juice is loose. And hey, Lauren, ease up on my boy Trump, man. He’s a good guy. Am I right?

Message from Gov. Whitmer

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message: “And now a message from Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.]

[Cut to Gretchen Whitmer at a park]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey, there. I’m Michigan governor, Cecily. It might surprise you to be hearing from me, some smoke shell mid-western governor nobody heard about till couple of weeks ago. But governors are kind of having a moment right now. And while all other govs get cool nicknames like, Daddy Cuomo and Gavin ‘Choke Me’ King. New some, Trump refers to me as ‘That woman from Michigan.’ But I’m not offended. Because I am proud to be from Michigan and t’hat woman’ is also what Trump calls his wife. [she drinks beer] Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m nursing all the bats. Because even though most freaking governors are laying down restrictions because of the virus, mine are somehow too far. Now, you may have heard about the protestors, say, gathered in the streets of our capital for Ted Nugent cast play last week. Look, people. It’s ‘live free or die,’ not ‘live free and die.’ And Trump advisor Steven Morris comparing these protestors to Rosa Parks. Yeah. If Rosa Parks was fighting for her right to get hit by a bus! Sorry, that’s little bats talking.

But I support all Americans and Michiganders freedom of speech. So, if you got to protest, here are some tips on how to do it safely. Number one, stay home. I promise you can call me a bitch from the safety of your couch. It’s called Twitter! So, if you messed it outside, maintain proper social distancing. That means six feet apart at all times. So, if the tip of your AK-47 can touch the tip of your buddy’s AK, back up. And please, wear face masks. But not a joker mask. And not a clown mask. Absolutely no masks that come with the hard.

Now, like you, I have heard the rumors that I’m on the shortlist to be Joe Biden’s vice president. The VPs veep. Because if it’s gonna be a woman, it might as well be bat woman. But my sole priority is my home state because we’re not out of the woods. We never will be. We live at Michigan. And to anyone that stand in the way of the health and safety of my constituents, I’ll remind you, the Michigan is a mitten, right? [showing her palm] And this is where I live. [showing her middle finger.]

Oh, damn, they’re throwing dog crap at my car. [yelling] Knock it off! I’ll throw it back! I did it last time too. You know I will.

Melissa Seals the Deal

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Melissa talking to his date at her apartment door.]

Melissa: Oh, man. I had the best time. Well, it’s getting late. Goodnight. Unless, you wanna come in for a little bit. [There’s no one. Melissa is just talking alone.] You do? Oh, cool. [Melissa opens the door] Lead the way.

[Melissa gets two glasses of wine and lights the fireplace. She then sits on the sofa alone.]

Can I get you anything else? Oh, sorry, I don’t have any cigars. I’ll add that to my shopping list. Do you like movies? Me too. Okay, favorite movie on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three. “Flubber.” Ah! I was totally going to say “American History X.” I swear. [starts blushing] Why are you looking at me like that? I’m only looking at you coz you’re looking at me. Stop it. I’m not the most beautiful girl in the United States. [smiling] Okay, I guess I am. [kisses the air] Ha-ha. Your tongue’s tiny. [starts kissing the air intimately.]

[Cut to Melissa in her bed. She’s wearing her gown.]

What? Your scars don’t bother me. I think it’s pretty cool you were attacked by a wolf. Wait, before we go any further, there’s something you should know. [whispering] You don’t have to be gentle with me.

[Cut to Melissa waking up in the morning]

Good morning, you tall drink of milk. Last night was crazy. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.

[Melissa walks into the bathroom. She looks at the commode.]

What the heck? Did you plug up my toilet? Oh, man! Get out of my house, you weirdo. And cut your toenails. My legs are all cut up.

[door shutting sound]

Oh, Meliss, you sure know how to pick em’.

Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.

FaceTime with Rudd

Paul Rudd

Mandy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Paul Rudd in his house Facetiming]

Paul Rudd: Hey, I’m just gonna Facetime with my cousin real quick. I haven’t seen her since we were kids and she’s just checking in with the family, wants to make sure everyone’s okay. [Facetime ringing] Oh, there she is. Hello?

Mandy: Hello? Little Pauley?

Paul Rudd: Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah, Mandy. Pretty Mandy.

Paul Rudd: It’s been a while.

Mandy: Yeah, it has. So, do you still go swimming?

Paul Rudd: Um, well, um, sometimes.

Mandy: I knew it. I knew you still swim. Yeah. Um, do you still do coloring?

Paul Rudd: Oh, not much coloring these days. No.

Mandy: That’s okay.

Paul Rudd: Are you okay? You seem a little– I don’t know. Forgive me for asking. Do you have coronavirus?

Mandy: No. Do you have coronavirus? Man, you different. You changed, little Pauley, you changed.

Paul Rudd: Well, I would imagine so. Yeah. I haven’t seen you since I was seven. I mean, I’m grown. I’ve got a wife. I’ve got a demanding job.

Mandy: That’s not what I heard. No. Because cousin David said all your jobs got shut down.

Paul Rudd: Oh, well, yeah. Everyone’s kind of did.

Mandy: No. No. I saw the movie Wonder Woman did with all the other celebrities where they sang the [singing ‘Imagine’] Imagine there’s some people

Paul Rudd: Oh, that wasn’t a movie. That was just a thing.

Mandy: So, you weren’t famous enough to be in there?

Paul Rudd: No. Apparently not. Hey, it’s not so bad, honestly. It’s kind of nice taking a bit of a break. Made some fun summer salads.

Mandy: Ooh, ratatouille.

Paul Rudd: Yeah. That’s–

Mandy: The movie sucks.

Paul Rudd: Ratatouille does? It’s a good movie.

Mandy: Speaking of movies, weren’t you nominated for Golden Globe award?

Paul Rudd: I was. Yeah. That was a real thrill.

Mandy: Yeah. But then whose name did they read? That’s the winner.

Paul Rudd: Ah! Not mine.

Mandy: No, they didn’t. They said, “The Golden Globes goes to Ramy Youssef.”

Paul Rudd: That kind of stuff doesn’t matter much to me.

Mandy: It will matter once Ramy Youssef is the new Ant-man. When he’s wearing your suit. Pretty soon, Ramy Youssef is gonna be the new You-ssef.

Paul Rudd: You don’t have to keep saying Ramy Youssef. I get it. What about you? You’ve won any awards lately?

Mandy: [showing a trophy] Last night, I won tic-tac-toe.

Paul Rudd: What’s ti-ta-to?

Mandy: A tic-tac-toe. Three x’s in a row.

Paul Rudd: Tic-tac=toe, got you.

Mandy: I played down at the bar and I got–

Paul Rudd: I don’t think you’re supposed to be going to bars.

Mandy: No one got corona at Jizzy’s. Plus I wore my gloves. [showing her biker gloves]

Paul Rudd: Those are fingerless gloves. I don’t know–

Mandy: Hey, you remember when we kissed?

Paul Rudd: You know what? I think I’m gonna jump off for a second.

Mandy: We kissed! And you started.

Paul Rudd: But it’s been so nice talking to you. Freezing up. Hold on.

[Paul Rudd hangs up]

Mandy: Where is he? I’ll call him back.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Brad Pitt

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from one of the lead members of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci speaking from home.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Good evening. I’m Dr. Anthony Fauci. First, I’d like to thank all the older women in America who have sent me supportive, inspiring and sometimes graphic emails. Now, there’s been a lot of misinformation out there about the virus. And yes, the president has taken some liberties with our guidelines. So, tonight, I would like to explain what the president was trying to say. And remember, let’s all try to keep an open mind.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at a podium]

Donald Trump: We had some– We had a great meeting today with a lot of the great companies and um, they gonna have vaccines I think relatively soon…

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Relatively soon is an interesting phrase. Relative to the entire history of earth, sure, the vaccine’s gonna come real fast. But if you were to tell a friend, “I’ll be over relatively soon,” and then showed up a year and half later, well, your friend may be relative pissed off.