Tag: episode 17

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chadwick Boseman Monologue

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chadwick Boseman.

[Chadwick Boseman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chadwick Boseman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so happy to be hosting Saturday Night Live only two months after Black Panther came out. [cheers and applause] But it’s still before the Avengers, so we’re not completely late.

You know, it was actually kind of tough hosting because SNL has already done a bunch of sketches about Black Panther. So, there is really bad ideas left. The writers were like, “What about a talk show called ‘Wake Up Wakanda?’ Or a sketch where Black Panther has sex with Leslie Jones?” And that was Leslie Jones’ idea. So it’s tough and it’s not fair. I men Sterling K. Brown got to do a Black Panther sketch before me and he dies in the first scene of the movie. I would say spoiler alert, but again the movie has been out for two months people.

One weird thing I’ve experienced since the movie came out, it’s people asking if I wanna run for president. That’s because I play a world leader in the movie, they think I wanna be a leader of the free world, but who wants that job? Why would I go for being a serious actor to do in reality TV? [applause]

And there’s still some people who can’t grasp that it’s a superhero movie. They’re like, “You’re doing Black Panther all wrong. You should have beret and a black leather jacket.” I’m like, “Ay! Ay! That’s a different type of Black Panther, man.” And it’s not like I don’t know history. I portrayed Jackie Robinson, James Brown. [cheers and applause] And Thurgood Marshall. Basically every black historical figure except Rachel Dolazer, who coming to think of it, me playing a white woman pretending to play a black woman might not be a bad idea for Oscar. But somehow, Black Panther has become historical figure too. First black superhero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, we broke new ground. And I hope that maybe we’ve inspired the new generation of black actors and film makers–

[Kenan Thompson walks in wearing Panthro costume. The costume is very funny looking.]

Kenan Thompson: Wow! You broke new ground, huh? I’m not so sure about that. Ha-ha-ha.

Chadwick Boseman: Pahthro from Thundercats?

Kenan Thompson: [showing his nunchucks] Yeah, that’s right. You must be the Black Panther style superhero who has space age technology. Hmm, where have I heard that one before? Oh, right. From when it was me.

Chadwick Boseman: Alright. Alright. Panthro, Black Panther was created in 1966. Thundercats are from the 80s.

Kenan Thompson: No. Actually, Thundercats are from Thundera, the cat planet where cats lived in harmony until Mumra made it explode. Not that you care.

Chadwick Boseman: Panthro!

Kenan Thompson: Come on, dude. I know you guys are doing a sequel. Hook a brother up. It’s hard out there for a black space cat with a spiky suspenders.

Chadwick Boseman: Hey man, I gotta ask. Is this another one of the bad ideas that the writers had that I’m in right now?

Kenan Thompson: No. I actually heard that this was Kenan Thompson’s idea. And I’m told that he stands by it. 15 seasons, baby.

[Kenan Thompson winks and leaves the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chadwick Boseman: You know, I got a band behind me right now. [Talking like Lenny Kravitz] I can’t get off this stage without giving you just a little Lenny. I’m about to do my thing. Hit it!

[band playing music. Chadwick Boseman does the dance]

We got a great show for you tonight. Cardi B is here. So, stick around. We’re gonna be right back.

Black Jeopardy with Chadwick Boseman

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Rashad… Chris Redd

T’Challa… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show stage. There’s one host and three contestants.]

[cheers and applause]

Darnell: Yeah. Hi. Wad up? Wad up? Wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only Jeopardy where our prize is paid in installments. Alright, I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Today’s contestants Shanice.

Shanice: Hi.

Darnell: Rashad.

Rashad: What’s crackin?

Darnell: And, oh! This is so exciting. All the way from Wakanda, it’s T’Challa.

[cheers and applause]

T’Challa: Greetings Darnell. I am a big fan of this program.

Darnell: Well, this might be the blackest Black Jeopardy yet. Let’s take a look at that categories. Alright, we got “Grown ass”, “Ah Hell naw”, “Fid’na”, “Girl, bye”, “I ain’t got it”, and as always “White people.” Alright, Shanice, You are returning champ. You pick.

Shanice: Okay. Let’s go to “Aw hell naw” for $100.

Darnell: Okay, answer there. Your barber has a two hour wait, but there’s an empty chair up front.

[buzzer sound]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “Aw hell naw, there’s a reason your chair is empty.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right it is. You can end up looking like The Weeknd. Alright, Rashad, the board is your’s.

Rashad: Let’s go with “Fid’na” for $200.

Darnell: Okay, the answer. They fid’na to take prayer out of school.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “They wonder why everybody pregnant?”

Darnell: Yes. Yes. Bad things happen when you kick Jesus out your house. That’s right. Alright, it’s your pick, Shanice.

Shanice: Let’s stick with “Fid’na” for $400.

Darnell: This is the reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Oh, T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To honor her as the as the foundation of the family.”

[audience laughing]

Darnell: Hmm, that’s really nice. It’s wrong. But it’s really nice. Anybody else? The reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Coz fid’na get a car and I don’t need all that on my credit.”

Darnell: I feel you. I feel you. Yeah, your grandma ain’t gonna need that good credit too much longer. Alright, Shanice, it’s your pick.

Shanice: Let’s go “I ain’t got it” for $200.

Darnell: Alright. The lady from Sallie Mae says your student loan is past due.

[buzzer]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “I ain’t got it because I died. You talking to a ghost.”

Darnell: Yeah. That’s right. That’s right. That’s right. Yeah. You can’t bill what’s not there, okay? Just ask Wesley Snipes. Ain’t that right, T’Challa?

T’Challa: I don’t know this one.

Darnell: That’s alright. You’ll get there. Alright, Rashad, it’s your pick.

Rashad: Am, let’s go with “Aw hell naw” for $400.

Darnell: Alright, the answer. The airline sys they wanna charge twenty-five dollars to check your bag.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Aw hell naw. Looks like I’m gonna fly to Jamaica with 50 pounds of suitcase in my lap.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right. That’s right. And I dare the stewardess to say something. That’s right. Let’s keep going.

Shanice: Let’s say with “Grown ass” for $600.

Darnell: Alright. You send your smart-ass child here ’cause she thinks she grown.

[buzzer]

T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To one of our free university where she can apply her intelligence. And perhaps one day become a great scientist.”

Darnell: Okay. Well, the answer were were looking for was, “Out my damn house.” But you know what? I’m gonna give it to you, T’Challa. Y’all must not have no mean streets in Wakanda. Alright, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: Very well. Let’s go to “Ah hell naw” for $800.

Darnell: Okay. The policeman says there’s been some robberies in your neighborhood and asks if you have any information.

T’Challa: What is, “Not only do I tell this man what I know, but I also assist him in tracking down the offender. After all, our ministers of law enforcement are only here to protect us.” Is this correct?

[Darnell makes funny face]

Darnell: I mean, it should be. But I’m thinking you haven’t spent much time in America. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy prize listing]

Male voice: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive Uesta Hold Margarine, personal plastic containers that used to hold margarine. “Put whatever you want in there.” And well done steaks. “If I see a speck of red, it’s going back. You better cook my food with well done steaks.” And by Sprite. “How did we become the black soda? We don’t know.” Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to the game stage]

Darnell: Ooh! I do love Sprite. Alright, T’Challa, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: I am ready. Let’s go to “White people” for $400.

[Darnell is making shocked faces.]

Darnell: Okay, let’s try it. Your friend Karen brings her potato salad to your cookout.

[buzzer]

Oh-oh. T’Challa.

T’Challa: I think I’m getting the hang of this. Before I answer, a few questions. This woman Karen, she’s caucasian, right?

Darnell: Yes.

T’Challa: And she has her own recipe for potato salad, right?

Darnell: Yeah.

T’Challa: Ah! I understand. It is noble that she would volunteer to cook for everyone. And although I have never had potato salad…

Darnell: Of course.

T’Challa: … I sense that this white woman does not season her food.

Darnell: That’s right.

T’Challa: And if she does, it is only with a tiny bit of salt and no paprika.

Darnell: No paprika. No.

T’Challa: And she will probably add something unnecessary like resins.

Darnell: I know, right?

T’Challa: So, something tells me that I should say–

Darnell: Say it.

T’Challa: “Aw hell naw Karen. Keep your bland ass potato to yourself.”

Darnell: [celebrating] Yes! Yes! Whoo! Oh, man! You got it, T’Challa.

T’Challa: In the face.

Darnell: Yeah. Black Panther, welcome to Black Jeopardy.

Female voice: How many square feet is that?

Male voice: For three bedrooms?

Female voice: What a deal.

Darnell: Oh, well. The sound of white people shopping nearby for real estate means that the fun is over. So, let’s take a break. We’ll be right back with more Black Jeopardy.

Aidy B & Cardi B

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Cardi B

[Starts with Aidy, Kate and Cecily talking in SNL office]

Kate: Oh, my god. I can’t stop listening to Cardi B’s new album.

Cecily: Yes. It’s so good. I’m so excited she’s here.

Aidy: I’m obsessed.

Cecily: I love how assertive and bold she is. She just like, says whatever she’s thinking.

Aidy: I know. And I think I need to be more like Cardi B.

[Kyle and Beck walk in]

Kyle: Hey, what are you girls doing? Having girl time?

Beck: Yes. Should we come back?

Aidy: What did you say?

Beck: Oh, we just don’t want to interrupt your girl time.

Aidy: [speaking like Cardi B] Oh, well, why don’t you shut your hoe ass up? I’m sick of you hating ass hoes always got something slick to say. Just remember I’m a boss and you a worker you goofy bitch!

Kate: Aidy?

Aidy: Ah! Nah, hoe. [to Kyle and Beck] You need to watch your mouth. I’m from The Bronx. I don’t play that [bleep]. [to Kate and Cecily] Come on. [the girls walk out]

Kyle: Is Aidy actually from The Bronx?

Beck: She’s from North Central Phoenix.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy with Chris in costume room]

Chris: Hey, you talked to Chadwick yet? He’s super cool.

Aidy: No. I’m weirdly nervous to meet him.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Coz he’s the Black Panther and I loved the movie and he is very cool and I am very lame.

Chris: You are not lame. Come on

[Chadwick Boseman walks in]

Chadwick: What’s up, Chris?

Chris: What’s up? How do you feel? You good? You know Aidy Bryant, right?

Chadwick: Of course. Oh, my god. I’m a big fan of your’s.

Aidy: [talking like Cardi B] Yeah. I’m not afraid of you bitch.

Chadwick: What’s that?

Aidy: What? Errr! Ooh! Actually, I’m sure you’re used to all these other little bitches being afraid of you but I am not scared, okay? I’m a rider or die, bitch. You see that rock? [showing her engagement ring] Yeah, that actually means I give Conor that very good puddy, okay? I can picture so good that I be screaming my own name during sex. Oh, prrrr.

[Aidy walks out. Chadwick and Chris look at each other all confused.]

Chadwick: That’s how you let white girls talk to you around here?

Chris: Only Aidy B. I’m not proud of that.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy on the table trying to do the sexy dance like Cardi B. The staffs are looking at her.]

Kenan: Dude, what the hell is going on with Aidy?

Mikey: I think she’s empowered.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy walking out. A woman walks to her.]

Woman: Hey, Aidy. Could you do a quick shoutout for SNL’s instagram?

Aidy: Oh, yeah. Of course. [The woman hands over a phone to Aidy.] Okay, so what should I say?

Woman: Say something to the fans.

Aidy: Okay. [Aidy starts taking selfie video. She’s speaking like Cardi B.] Ah! Stop asking me about the show. The cast sucks, the writers are stupid, I [bleep] them all, they were boring. So, live from The Bronx, y’all can shut the [bleep] up.

[talking normally again] And then I– I’m sorry. Do I hit the send?

Woman: [shocked] Yeah. That was good.

Aidy: Yay!

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy in Cardi B’s changing room]

Aidy: Cardi, your music has changed my life. You’ve honestly inspired me to just say what’s on my mind. So, thank you.

Cardi B: You know, I do it for my fans.

Aidy: And I am a fan. But maybe also your best friend. We’re pretty much the same.

Cardi B: Um, can you please get me some water? [speaking softly] I’ma a little worried.

Aidy: Oh, sure. Unless you want me to stay.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: I have a lot of very short songs that I’ve written.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: [singing] Subs are good but I prefer pizza, honey.

Cardi B: Okay. Just go.

Aidy: Okay. But before I go, [showing her high heels] these is bloody shoes, coz they’re giving me the worst days of my life.

Cardi B: Just get the [bleep] out of here.

Aidy: Call me.

Cardi B: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Aidy walks out]

Aidy: Aidy B and Cardi B, best friends.

Weekend Update- Cecilia Gimenez on Cristiano Ronaldo Bust

Colin Jost

Cecilia Giminez… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week an airport in Portugal unveiled a bust of their most famous soccer player Christiano Ronaldo who looks like this, [Cut to picture of Christiano Ronaldo] but the statue came out like this. [Picture changes to a bad statue of Christiano Ronaldo.] [Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Now, here to get her take is the artist that made Spain’s famous echo homo Jesus painting, Ms. Cecilia Giminez.

[Cecilia Giminez slides in]

Hello, Cecilia, welcome.

Cecilia Giminez: Well, star! Now, do not worry about the Ronaldo sculpture. People are going to love it.

Colin Jost: Really? Well, you know, people love your Jesus painting now. It has actually become a huge tourist attraction.

Cecilia Giminez: Yes. It has. It’s true, Colin. Jesus has blessed me. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez.][Cecilia Giminez shows a picture of his painting] At night he come to me, he look upon me with his kind dark snake eyes and he said, “You are blessed, Cecilia.” And I thanked Jesus for everything he has done and he said to me, “Hah!”

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s great. yeah. [Cecilia Giminez starts putting her face on the picture] Okay, Cecilia. It worked out for you. It worked out for you. Kind of. It worked out for you, right? So, maybe it could work out for the sculpture too.

Cecilia Giminez: Of course, Colin. Well, its’ a beautiful art.  Look at this. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] [Cecilia GiminezShowing a picture of bad Christiano Ronaldo sculpture.] Wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very special.

Cecilia Giminez: Wow! The first question any great sculpture must ask about his subject is ‘what would he look like if he had a stroke?’ But he had the stroke while saying ‘Cheese.’ You see? Look at his eyes. They love each other. They want to be together. They are like a little lesbian teenagers at a sleepover trying to push their beds together in the night. It’s perfect. Look at this. It’s like they take my beautiful Ronaldo face and they put it through a snap chat filter where all the features are twisted and sucked into the nose.

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you really fell like this looks anything like Ronaldo?

Cecilia Giminez: Of course it does. It’s perfect. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] It’s the spitting image of my Ronaldo and that’s why so many people spit on it. Look at the details. Look at this gorgeous smile. That’s a smile that says, “I got a fish in my mouth and I’m trying to keep it in there.” And just to show soccer is not just for boys, they make the neck out of a little vagina. It’s so beautiful.

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

It’s a beautiful detail.

Colin Jost: Yes, yes, I see how you might like this, but I feel like there are a lot of soccer fans out there who think it’s pretty bad.

Cecilia Giminez: Why? This is a perfect image of Ronaldo playing football. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] See how the artist captures his look right when the ball hit him in the face?

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, this sculpture is currently at an airport. Do you think people are gonna want to see this sculpture at an airport?

Cecilia Giminez: They’re gonna love it. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] See, when you travel, you tire. You feel so sad. You wanna see a friendly face. The face of a man who pets a bunny so much it dies. You know?

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great point.

Cecilia Giminez: [feeling Colin Jost’s biceps] Oh my god. Wow.

Colin Jost: Now, what is your next project? You know what you’re working on?

Cecilia Giminez: I’ve got a news, Colin. NBC has commissioned a statue for you out side and guess who they hired to do it?

Colin Jost: Who did they hire?

Cecilia Giminez: Me.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha. Wow. I could have guessed that. Yes. So you’re doing a statue of me?

Cecilia Giminez: I did. I already did it. Look at this.

[Cut to bad statue of Colin Jost’s face.]

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cecilia Giminez, everyone.

Cecilia Giminez: Thank you, Jesus.

Weekend Update on Woman’s Selfie Accident

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bridge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she not long has a good side.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: White House unveiled Melania Trump’s official portrait this week and it turns out she posed in front of same giant spider web that I did back in 5th grade. [Picture changes to baby Colin Jost.]

[Picture changes to People’s magazine]

Well, it’s official. Barry Manilow is gay.

Michael Che: Official? [laughing]

Colin Jost: This story was first reported in the comment section of his YouTube videos.

[Picture changes to a woman’s sillhoutte.]

An 28 year old woman in Romania has reported auctioned her virginity to a Hong Kong businessman for $2.5 million, which is the second worse thing someone has done for money this week. [Picture changes to Kylie Jenner’s picture from Pepsi ad.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of rhino and Ohio state at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials at Cleveland zoo have announced that one of the critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.

[Picture changes to

New research shows that the first 59% of people on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like, “Me and go straight for that butt.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Yahoo and Aol logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Yahoo and Aol will combine to form a new company because no one wants to die alone. [cheers and applause]

[Picture changes to manatees]

And Manatees. [One audience cheer hard] [Michael Che laughing] You own one? Manatees have recently been upgraded from endangered to merely threatened. So, for a limited time only, the McManatee is back. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Syria Missile Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. [Picture changes to missiles] In response to the Syrian regimes chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday spent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian air field. Coz when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses send. [Picture changes to send button of twitter.]

This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you are Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he is starting a real war with Assad [Picture changes to Assad] while he’s still bogged down in a twitter war with Schwarzenegger. [Picture changes to Arnold Schwarzenegger.] Remember? After Trump was elected and everyone saying, “Stop taking Trump literally. He’s not literally going to ban Muslins, Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.” All I’m saying is if I were Hillary Clinton right now, I’d start getting in prison shape.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Syrian and Russian flags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Now, I may be oversimplifying the details. The US has attacked Assad who, like us, is already at war with ISIS. But Assad is a close ally with Russia who Trump has said he wants to work with to defeat ISIS. Even though the biggest threat to ISIS is Assad who Trump just bombed. Now, in case you are having trouble following all that, here’s a reenactment of what I just described.

[Cut to old movie clip where three people are hitting each other]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Simple enough, right? Now, this attack comes as a surprise because just Monday, the President said he wanted nothing to do with the Syrian conflict. And by Thursday, he already attacked them. He’s handling conflict the way my mother handles family drama. At first, she’s like, “This ain’t none of my business. Y’all leave me out of this. Y’all grown.” Then three days later, she’s outside my ex girlfriend’s job in a track suit with a brick in one hand and her wig in the other.

Trump also broke protocol by not waiting for approval from congress. He didn’t even wait until he was home. He was still on vacation in Margaritaville or wherever he calls that place. And then he sent 60 missiles from Amazon Prime on a whim.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Xi Jinping.]

President Trump met with Chinese this week at his Mar a Lago Estate, and then when the two men stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear. If you mash them together, they would look exactly like Steven Segal. [Picture changes to Steven Segal]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Neal Gorsuch at left top corner.

Colin Jost: On Friday, the senate voted to confirm Supreme Court nominee Neal Gorsuch which made it extra awkward for Merrick Garland’s family when he pretended to come home after another long day at the Supreme Court. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

This week, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. [cheers]  And this time, he probably can blame the Jews.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner with the military at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House revealed that Jared Kushner has traveled to Iraq with the Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff. God! What a dork! Why is he wearing that vest? He’s dressed like Colin when he goes to buy weed with my guy without me.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was my first time. This photo represents what frustrates me most about this administration which is complete lack of self awareness. They are the worst thing that rich white guys can be, which is oblivious. [Picture changes to Jeff Sessions] Like, Jeff Sessions, the other day he’s accused of being racist. The first thing he did this week as Attorney General was to reduce oversight on police departments. Way to pick up on the general vibe of the country. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Then four days into sexual assault awareness month, Trump comes out of nowhere to defend the guy accused of sexual assault, [Picture changes to Bill O’Reilly] which I don’t think is how the month is traditionally celebrated. And now, while we’re on the verge of World War 3, Jared Kushner rolls on to a military base is his best yacht rock outfit. I mean, come on, you’re going to see generals, not Vampire Weekend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill O’Reilly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York Times has reported that Bill O’Reilly and FOX News paid out $13 million to five different women to settle the sexual harassment claims. $13 million to five women? The best case scenario, that mean’s you’re so bad with women that every time you’ve tried to flirt, it cost you $2.5 million. I’m bad with women too, but the most it ever cost me was a two-star rating on Uber Pool.

Trump’s People

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: People of county, boy, do we have surprise for you tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes. He was on his way to Washington, but he decided to first stop andbe with the people who brought him there. Please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you. We all love Trump, don’t we? We do. We do. I had an amazing week, folks. I met with the leaders from China, Egypt and Jordan. Gorsuch was confirmed and the media is saying nice things and no one is talking about Russia. Wow, what a difference 59 tomahawk missiles can make. I just want to spend 20 minutes today with my people. Folks who don’t whisper, “Oh, god, what’s happening?” right after I leave the room. I know how hard it is for you. Thins have changed so much since I was growing up. For example, a lot of poverty is white now. Isn’t that crazy? Let me hear from you. You like that I bombed Syria? You right there.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I sure do, sir, but I wanted to talk about my job. I recently got laid off from coal mining plant.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I love coal. You guys have suffered terribly. Worse than anyone. And as president, I promise I am going to do everything I can to make sure you people work in coal for the rest of your lives. And your kids will work in coal and your grandkids. It’s going to be incredible.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Mr. President, thank you so much, but all we want are good jobs. They don’t have to be in coal.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sorry, hombre, it’s all coal. In Trump’s American, men work in two places. Coal mines and Goldman Sachs. Therefore, I’m cutting all jobs killing regulations. I’m proud to announce that as of today, your coal mines will have no regulations. None. It’s a free-for-all. How about you? are you glad that I bombed Syria?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, yeah. I guess so Mr. President. But I actually wanna talk about Obamacare. Since I signed up, my premiums have gone up and I have to drive 90 minutes to see a doctor. I know you tried your best to fix it but you just couldn’t.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You mean Paul Ryan couldn’t. I did everything I could. I made phone calls, I jumped into a truck and I posed for pictures. I went, “Honk! Honk!” But I won’t give up. I am talking with the freedom caucus and we are going to get rid of it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You’re going to get rid of my healthcare? Like, all of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All of it. Gone! After we are done, you will never have to drive to see a doctor again. How does that sound? That’s great, right? Isn’t that great?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well, I trust your judgement, sir. There must be some reason you are a billionaire.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? We think exactly alike, I say quietly to myself. Sometimes quietly to myself. All the time actually, there must be some reason I’m a billionaire. Who is next? How about you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi, sir. I want to talk about my wife who is addicted to pain killers.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Susan Rice? Put her in jail, right?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m not sure who that is. I work in union but my wife won’t move because she is in a federally sponsored drug rehab program an hour away.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrible. This is the exact problem I’m having. My wife doesn’t wanna move either. So, she lives 200miles away. It’s costing the federal government millions of dollars. It’s nuts. Am I right? But she says she loves her own bed. Wives can be crazy. Am I right? They can be crazy.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I feel you, sir. But like I was saying, my wife stays because of the federal rehab program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, don’t worry about that, okay? Coz, we’re gonna get rid of it.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: You’re getting rid of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes. Junking it. Junked! Now she can live wherever she wants. Did I make you feel better now?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m nor sure, but I voted for you and your are my president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? That’s why I came here. You stand by me no matter what. It’s like you found a finger in your chili and still eat the chili because you don’t know how much you love chili. It’s tremendous. Who else? How about you?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Thank you for coming. I guess I wanted to talk about my own child who is in an after school program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Junked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Great. I work two jobs for minimum wage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Minimum wage, gone. Gone.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Perfect. It’s just we can’t afford a new house because my mortgage is under water.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: We’re getting rid of that. We’re getting rid of that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: My mortgage?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Your house. Junked.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And we can’t even drink our own water because there is lead in it.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. We’re going to keep that. We’re going to keep that one. Are we cool? You still love Trump?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re my president!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, you’re blowing my mind. Okay, keep eating that finger chili. I think you can hear my helicopter right now. Remember that I’m one of you and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

The O’Reilly Factor with Donald Trump

Bill O’Reilly… Alec Baldwin

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Malia Zimmerman… Cecily Strong

[Starts with the O’Reilly Factor intro]

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]

Bill O’Reilly: Caution! You’re about to enter the no spin zone, ‘The Factor’, begins right now.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly in his set]

Hi, I’m Bill O’Reilly. I hope your’e having a terrific evening. The subject of tonight’s talking point’s memo is a scandal everyone’s talking about all week. A scandal no one thought I would have the guts to address head on, but the shocking allegations of abuse of power has been leveled against Obama.

Let’s bring in FOX News investigator reporter Laurie Dhue with an update. [pause] [listens to his ear-piece] What’s that? Laurie no longer works for the company? Did she get the check? Okay, fine.

I’m told we do have FOX News analyst Malia Zimmerman who is normally in studio, but is now reporting live via satellite from exactly 500 yards away. [Cut to Malia Zimmerman] Malia, great to have you.

Malia Zimmerman: Um-hmm.

Bill O’Reilly: Malia, you spoke to former Obama Security Adviser Susan Rice and you told her I believe she illegally leaked the names of Trump’s people to the media. Correct?

Malia Zimmerman: Yes. And she denied it.

Bill O’Reilly: So, you asked her point blank and she said–?

Malia Zimmerman: No.

Bill O’Reilly: Okay. But when she said no, what was her vibe?

Malia Zimmerman: Her vibe?

Bill O’Reilly: Yeah. Like, when she said no, did her eyes say yes? Sometimes they do that.

Malia Zimmerman: No, they just said no.

Bill O’Reilly: Okay, but, was it a firm no or like–

Malia Zimmerman: Oh, man! [talking to her team] Can we do that think we talked about?

[Malia Zimmerman’s face is blurred]

Bill O’Reilly: Alright, terrific reporting, Malia.

Malia Zimmerman: [voice changed] Thanks for having me, Bill.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: We’re gonna take a quick break. [stays silent for a while] As you know, 60 of our sponsors have pulled ads from the program. No words as to why yet. We thank the following sponsors for sticking with us.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

Male voice: The O’Reilly Factor is brought to you by, Dog Cocaine. [Cut to picture of a dog sniffing cofaine] Turns out, you can teach dogs new tricks. And one of them is doing cocaine.

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro] And the O’Reilly Factor is also sponsored by [Cut to Eliquis tablet] prescription strength, Eliquis. it’s Cialis for horses! Get your horses boned up and see what happens! With Eliquis, the official horse aphrodisiac of ‘The Factor’. [Picture changes to poster of the movie ‘Chips’.] And finally, the movie Chips. Chips, Oops!

[Cut to ‘The Factor’ intro]

Bill O’Reilly: Very proud of all of our sponsors. Now this is hard for me to discuss, but I also have been in the news this week. Apparently, several women have come forward and accused me of offering them exciting opportunities here at FOX News. Beyond that, the details are a bit fuzzy, but one man brave enough to come to my defense. A man who is unimpeachable on all female issues, now is here tonight. People, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. Hello everyone. Good evening, Bill. It’s so wonderful to be here on the Factor. I’m a big fan.

Bill O’Reilly: I’m a big fan as well and it’s an honor to have you here. And can I just say Mr. President, you look even better on TV.

Donald Trump: I know. I do. I look fantastic and can I tell you something, I actually see a lot of myself in you, Bill.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Thank you, Mr. President. And thank you for coming to my defense last week even though no one asked you to. And you even went as far as saying “Bill O’Reilly did nothing wrong.”

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: That’s based upon?

Donald Trump: Hunch. Just a loose hunch.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: So, you are not familiar with the facts of the case?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, I’m more familiar with this case than, say, healthcare, but I didn’t really look into it much, no. I was too busy being super presidential by bombing a bunch of [bleep].

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I deeply appreciate your support on behalf of all women and I’d like thank you, Donald Trump, for promoting sexual assault awareness month.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right, Bill. It’s a subject near and dear to my hand.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: Well, thank you for stopping by ‘The Factor’, Mr. President. Keep up the good work.

[Cut to split screen of Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, is that a joke?

Bill O’Reilly: Excuse me.

Donald Trump: A lot of people have been saying, “Keep up the good work” but then I found it was a joke.

Bill O’Reilly: I was not making a joke, Mr. President. I promise.

Donald Trump: [sign] I’m back, baby.

[Cut to Bill O’Reilly]

Bill O’Reilly: [clearing throat] Don’t forget to check out my hit book, ‘Old School, Life in the Sane Lane.” It’s about having terrific great morals and values and couldn’t have  come at a better time. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Thanks for watching ‘The Factor’.

[The End]

The Lawyer

Vanessa Bayer

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.

Bailiff… Leslie Jones

Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson

Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat

Jury… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]

Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.

Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.

[Mr. Douglas stands]

Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.

Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]

Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?

Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.

Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.

Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?

Judge: Of course. Bailiff.

[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]

Bailiff:

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.

[Mr. Douglas walks forward]

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?

Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.

Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.

Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?

[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]

Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?

Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?

Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.

Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.

Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]

Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.

Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!

Mr. Douglas: No further questions.

Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.

Judge: Appalled or jealous?

Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.

Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.

Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–

Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!

Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.

Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.

[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]

Oh, both of you.

Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–

[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]

Female voice: Maybelline, New York.