Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson
Lisa G… Cecily Strong
Tod… Beck Bennett
Jason… Pete Davidson
Benedict…Russell Crowe[Starts with TV channel show schedule]
Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.[Cut to Match Finders intro] [Cut to Emerald]
Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Lisa: Hi, Emerald.
Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.
Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.
Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.[Cut to the bachelors]
Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.
Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.[Cut to Emerald]
Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.[Cut to Jason]
Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn![Cut to Emerald]
Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]
Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]
Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?[Cut to Tod]
Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?[Cut to Jason]
Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?[Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]
Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.[Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?[Cut to Emerald]
Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.[Cut to Tod]
Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves] [Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.[Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Emerald: That makes it worse.[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.[Cut to Jason]
Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.[Cut to Emerald]
Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh![Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]
Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.[Cut to Lisa]
Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?[Cut to the bachelors]
Tod: A bee in my hat.
Jason: Um, ghosts.
Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.
Emerald: Dont![Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.[Cut to Benedict]
Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]
Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?
Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.
Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.[The End]