Tag: episode 17

Preparation H Advanced Gel

Jon Rudnitsky

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with two couples waiting for their table in a restaurant]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Please follow me. Your table is ready.

[As everyone walk towards the table, Ron stops.]

Kate: You coming?

Ron: I’ll be there in a second. You go on ahead.

Kate: Okay.

[Beck is looking Ron from behind]

Beck: Hey, man. Hurts to sit down?

Ron: Ah, yeah.

Beck: Burns?

Ron: Yeah.

Beck: You need to try this.

[Beck gives Ron a small package of gel]

It’s a Preparation H Advanced Gel for fast acting relief.

Ron: And this stuff works?

Beck: Yeah. It works.

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel offers maximum strength solutions fo all hemorrhoid symptoms. Don’t let pain stop you from being

[Cut to the two couple enjoying their meal at the table]

Ron: So I loosen my tie, and now I am dancing with the mother of the bride.

[Everyone laughs]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, man. Did that stuff I gave you help your butt?

Ron: Excuse me?

Beck: The hemorrhoid cream I gave you at the bar. Did it end up helping your butt?

Ron: [whispering] What are you doing?

Beck: Your butt was on fire when we met.

[Beck walks away]

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel. Because you’re on the move and in the groove.

[Cut to Ron and Kate dancing]

Kate: What’s got into you? I’ve never seen you dance before.

Ron: Well, you better get used to it coz I have a feeling I’m gonna be dancing a whole lot more from now on.

[Ron looks at the camera and winks]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you. You need any more ass cream?

[Ron’s friends stop dancing and are looking at Ron]

Ron: Dude, honestly get away from me.

Beck: I gave you a hot tip and you pretend like you don’t even know me? I saved your bacon, man! [Ron’s friends are looking at them and they are confused] Yeah Ron Head hemorrhoid problem, I do too. Bad. [Beck looks at the camera] That’s why I told Ron about Preparation H. [smiles]

Male voice: Preparation H, the re–

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, Ron, come with me. I gotta put more cream on.

Ron: What?

Beck: I need you to stand in front of the bathroom door. There’s no lock on the door and a girl just walked in on me laying down on the ground with her legs over my head creaming up.

Ron: I am not doing that.

Beck: You’re my best friend.

Male voice: Preparation H. Hemorrhoids fade, friends are forever.

[Beck pulls Ron to the toilet]

Beck: Come on. Stop crapping around.

 

Politics Nation- Voter I.D. Disaster

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

Cristie Jacobs… Sasheer Zamata

Charles Richards… Al Sharpton

[Starts with Al Sharpton in his set]

Al Sharpton: Good Sunday morning. I’m Reverend Al Sharpton. The New York primary is this Tuesday and states across the country has set up this voter ID laws. But it’s the real purpose to diss in french fries, people. Let’s talk about this.

[Cut to Politics Nation intro]

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Joining me now to talk about the new laws is a senior blogger for the Daily Kos, Craisty Jacobs.

[Cut to Christie Jacobs]

Christie Jacobs: Ah, hello Reverend. My name is Christie, not Craisty.

[Cut to split screen]

Al Sharpton: Not in my church. Now, is the real purpose of these ID laws to suplex– excuse me, suppress the minority vote?

Christie Jacobs: Absolutely. Why do they need IDs all of a sudden? Usually they just skip that step and say, “Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.” They say that these laws will stop fraud. Is voter fraud that big of a problem in this country?

Al Sharpton: Sure it is. I have mothers calling me all the time, saying “Help me Reverend Sharpton. My son is out there on the streets committing voter fraud.”

Christie Jacobs: Really?

Al Sharpton: No. But thank you for joining us, Craisty Jacobs.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Now on to the democratic primary. Despite Bernie Sanders win this week in Wisconsin, it’s not secret that Hillary Clinton is raising nits– excuse me, resonating more with black voters. Here to give us some insight is my personal statistical analyst, Mr. Charles Richards.

[Charles Richards walks in the set]

Charles Richards: Good morning Reverend, please don’t take this the wrong way but I expected you to be a little skinnier. I know you work really hard to lose all that weight. It’s a shame to see that you seem to have gained it back.

Al Sharpton: Well, frankly Charles, I like myself this way. People say I look younger. Now, black vote is crucial this election. And you’ve created an algo… rhythm to show our community it’s meaning.

Charles Richards: That’s right. My algorithm is called the black approval rating scale. Each candidate gets a number between one and 10 based on their standing in the black community.

Al Sharpton: Okay then, let’s start with Hillary Clinton.

Charles Richards: Secretary Clinton gets a 7.2 rating with black voters because her husband is Bill Clinton, who despite recent outburst is beloved in the African American community.

Al Sharpton: Oh, absolutely. Bill Clinton could walk into the BET awards after party, sit at Rihanna’s table and order a bowl of Mac & Cheese and everybody would say, “That seems right.” What about Bernie Sanders?

Charles Richards: Senator Sanders gets a score of 6.3. Yes, he was active in the civil rights movement, but for some reason he seems like the kind of person who still calls Mohammad Ali, Cassius.

Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Also, he’s from Vermont. It’s a beautiful state but never has a black person said, “Hey, I got time off this weekend. Anybody want to go to Vermont?” Let’s go over to the republican side. How about Ted Cruz?

Charles Richards: Senator Cruz gets a 2.1 on the black approval scale rating, because look at him. You just know he’s up to something.

Al Sharpton: Indeed. He’s a sneaky little mouse. And how about Donald Trump?

Charles Richards: Come on now.

Al Sharpton: Come on now.

Charles Richards: Come on now.

Al Sharpton: Come on now.

Charles Richards: Right now, Donald Trump has a black approval rating of -1,048. But that could go down.

Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Black people should never trust a white person who’s hair is more processed than their’s. And how is Obama doing?

Charles Richards: Not bad. His numbers continue to rise. He was at 16. But he just went up to 22. I don’t even know what he did.

Al Sharpton: Well either way, it’s phantom nominal.

Charles Richards: It’s pronounced ‘phenomenal’. What’s going on with you today, Al? You’re usually a very smart person.

Al Sharpton: I don’t know. I think all this weight fluctuation is messing with my brain. Let’s take a break. More with Charles when we return to Politics Nation.

Pogie Pepperoni’s

Charline… Leslie Jones

Reg… Beck Bennett

AC Santano… Kyle Mooney

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Ashlyn… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Charline showing Reg and AC Santano around Pogie Pepperoni’s]

Charline: Alright, so we got the soda machines right here. We got the big prizes, small prizes. You guys, we just need you to  initial and sign this in.

Reg: Oh, sure. Yeah.

AC Santano: You got it.

Reg: Absolutely.

Charline: And congratulations. You guys are officially members of the Pogie family.

Reg: Okay. So I just got hired at Pogie Pepperoni’s, the place that practically shaped my childhood.

AC Santano: Games, the best pizza in town, and some of the most coolest people I’ve ever met. Yeah, sounds like a normal job to me.

Reg: Yeah.

[Charline is looking confused]

Charline: I have a couple of more things for you here. [Charline passes them the employee shirts] Here’s your uniforms.

Reg: Okay. My very own Pogie shirt. Coz that’s normal.

AC Santano:I’m sorry, just to clarify. That’s Pogie Pepperoni on a skateboard about to go in one of his famous adventures.

Charline: Yeah, I mean, I guess so.

AC Santano: And I imagine we have to leave these here at work?

Charline: No. You can take them home, just wash them. Make sure they’re clean.

Reg: So we can actually wear these out? Meeting new people? Coz that’s not a huge game changer in my life.

AC Santano: I’m sorry. And how much will these be costing us?

Charline: They’re free man.

AC Santano: That’s normal. Okay.

Reg: Okay.

Charline: Actually, I forgot something. I’ll be back in a sec.

[Reg and AC Santano are smiling]

AC Santano: Don’t say anything.

Reg: Why would I say anything?

[AC Santano screaming at each other]

Reg and AC Santano: Dude! This is awesome.

Reg: We work at Pogie’s.

Reg and Reg: Oh!

Charline: What’s that?

AC Santano: Oh, nothing miss Charline.

Reg: Everything in order, miss Charline.

[Charline takes Reg and AC Santano to the game section. Reg and AC Santano are wearing the staff shirt.]

Charline: Alright, here’s 20 tokens each. Y’all supposed to play the games so you’ll know about them.

Reg: Ah, excuse me. What was that last part?

Charline: Employees get tokens to play the games.

AC Santano: We’ll probably just have access to what? One, two games ups?

Charline: It doesn’t matter, dude. Play whatever you want.

Reg: Okay.

AC Santano: So, Frogie Frenzie, Rockers or Range, any of em’?

Reg: This sounds like normal work activities to me.

AC Santano: Yeah, that definitely happens at all the places we work at.

[mic speaker calling Charline]

Charline:  I gotta go deal with that.

Reg: Okay.

AC Santano: Oh, no problem.

[Reg and AC Santano are smiling]

Reg: Don’t say anything.

AC Santano: I’m not saying a single thing.

Reg and AC Santano: [To each other] Dude! This is awesome.

Reg: We’re rich.

AC Santano: Look at all these tokens.

[Reg and AC Santano walking around]

Reg: And this day officially can’t get any better.

[AC Santano slowly looks away and sees a person in Pogie costume walking towards them]

AC Santano: Please tell me that’s not who I think it is.

Reg: Um, Pogie is walking up to talk to us right now.

[The Pogie opens his Pogie head. it’s Nathan.]

Speaker Nathan: Hey, you must be the new Pogie recruits. I’m Nathan.

Reg: We are [pointing at himself] Reg and [pointing at AC Santano] AC Santano.

Speaker Nathan: Oh. I’ll try to remember that. Anyway, I got five minutes before this dumb ass three PM Pogie parade. I’ll see you both later.

[Nathan walks away]

Reg and AC Santano: See you Pogie.

Reg: Because I guess, we’re friends now.

AC Santano: Don’g freak out.

Reg: I’m not freaking out.

Reg and AC Santano: [to each other] Dude! This is awesome. We just met Pogie Pepperoni.

AC Santano: And he’s played by Nathan who seems like a really cool guy.

Reg and AC Santano: Ah!

Speaker Nathan: [from far away] Hey, are you guys cool?

Reg: Cool. Yeah, we’re cool.

Speaker Nathan: You don’t seem like it.

[Cut to Reg and AC Santano serving pizzas to the kids. Charline walks in with Ashlyn]

Charline: Reg. AC Santano.

Reg and AC Santano: Yes, miss Charline.

Charline: This is Ashlyn. The owner of Pogie Pepperoni’s.

[Reg and AC Santano’s head pop up and confetti is falling down]

[Cut to a tribute video that at the end says “Pogie’s remembers AC Santano & Reg, Employees from 2:45 PM to 3:06 PM]

Ninja Shanice Goodwin

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Sensei… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Vlad… Russell Crowe

Taran Killam

Gregor… Kenan Thompson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Shanice’s picture as a child]

Shanice: First they said, “Your’e too small.”

[Picture changes to Shanice as an adult]

Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You’ll never make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice wearing a ninja costume with a sword]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

[Cut to Shanice and Sensei. Sensei is wearing karate uniform and a black belt.]

Sensei: Shanice, the ambassador’s been kidnapped by the Russian mob. These are professional Shanice, bad dudes. All your training has come to this moment.

Shanice: Don’t worry sensei. I’m going to do some ninja stuff.

[Shanice walks away]

[Cut to Russian Mob headquarters]

[Four men have Vanessa tied up in a chair]

Vanessa: What are you going to do to me?

Vlad: Alas! We are Russians. it’s gets more easy we get the rules, you live. If they don’t listen, maybe Russians will have to do something… terrible.

Vanessa: I’m warning you. My father knows some very dangerous people.

Vlad: Very dangerous? She say very dangerous.

[The men laugh]

[Shanice comes behind them and leaves sommersaulting.]

[Cut to Taran and Gregor]

Taran: Gregor. Did you feel, [Gregor is coughing] you okay?

Gregor: No.

Taran: I felt it too. Something breeze.

Gregor: I don’t know. I didn’t feel nothing. I think maybe you have been drinking.

[Gregor gets hit by a suriken and falls down]

Ah!

Taran: Gregor!

[Jon runs in]

Jon: Where did that come from?

[Shanice is sneaking behind them]

[Cut to everybody]

Vlad: Be still. Someone is among them. I can feel it. Show yourself!

[Shanice is pretending to be reading a newspaper behind them]

Everyone, be very quiet. Silence is their enemy.

[Shanice runs behind them and hits Jon with a bottle and walks away. Jon falls down.]

What was that?

Taran: I don’t know. I saw only blur.

Vanessa: You want to know what that was? I’ll tell you. I think there’s a ninja in here.

Vlad: Check the door.

[Taran walks goes to check the door and comes back]

I swear to you on my life, we will find this ninja and kill him. Where is he?

Taran: I don’t know, Vlad. I’ve looked everywhere.

[Taran is walking around. He is putting his hand on Shanice’s face as a support but has not seen her yet.]

There is no where it could be. It seems comprehensive.

Vanessa: I was right. Somewhere in this room, there’s definitely a ninja.

Taran: He’s almost like ghost. There is no–

[Shanice jumps in and breaks Taran’s neck]

Vlad: Show yourself. Fight me face to face or she dies.

[Shanice comes behind Vlad]

Shanice: I am the wind.

[Shanice runs away]

Vlad: You are the wind, yes. [Shanice brings in the ladder behind Vlad] I am stone. You see, I am Russian. And a Russian stone does not move. The Russian stone stays in place through thousands of winters. [Shanice is climbing the ladder] It does remain very solid.

[Shanice jumps and hits Vlad. Vlad falls down.]

[Shanice cuts the ropes tying Vanessa on the chair]

Vanessa: Oh, my goodness. You saved my life. Who are you?

[Cut to Shanice’s face.]

Shanice: Me? I’m a ninja. And a cashier from Cole’s.

[The End]

Match Finder

Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson

Lisa G… Cecily Strong

Tod… Beck Bennett

Jason… Pete Davidson

Benedict…Russell Crowe

[Starts with TV channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.

[Cut to Match Finders intro]

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Hi, Emerald.

Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.

Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.

Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.

Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn!

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.

[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]

Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]

Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.

[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]

Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves]

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That makes it worse.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]

Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod: A bee in my hat.

Jason: Um, ghosts.

Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.

Emerald: Dont!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?

Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.

Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears]

[visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves]

[A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away]

[Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves]

[Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing]

[As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

Hillary Clinton Addresses Her Losing Streak Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hillary Clinton message announcement.]

Male voice: And now, a message from Hillary Clinton following her recent string of losses.

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa]

Speaker 1: [laughing] Hello, America. It’s true, I have not been winning as of light. In fact, I have not won a state in almost three weeks because that was the plan. I didn’t wanna win those so I didn’t. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m not rattled. Like the old ones say, you win some, you — bleh! Excuse me. You lea– sorry. You win some, you lea– some. Close enough. Besides, who can remember how many states I’ve lost in a row? Is it two? Is it three?

[2 walks in]

Speaker 2: Hey, Mrs. Clinton. I’m here to fix seven holes in your wall.

[2 walks by]

Speaker 1: Come to think of it, it might be seven. And that’s fantastic. It humanizes me. I’m the underdog now. I’m this selection’s Rudy. And I like that. After all, I don’t want to be a big old B and win every single state. That’s no fun. But enough about the past. It’s time to look forward to the future. And right now, my focus is here in New York. God, I love being back in the fat apple, my home stage. Except for Illinois and Arkansas, but they  already voted for me so we cool, we cool. And gosh, New York has been cold this week, hasn’t it? In fact my head is getting a little chilly. I better put on my favorite hat that I’ve worn so many times over the years. [1 pulls out a NY cap and wears it] Here we go. That will keep me warm while I eat my favorite dinner, a classic New York city street hotdog. [1 pretends like she’s eating a hotdog] What a delicious bite that was. And for dessert, all you New Yorkers know that I am just nuts for Nuts. And later tonight, I’m gonna take in that hot new broadway show that’s got all of NYC a buzz, Chicago. But you know what my favorite part about New York is? The subway. I love to ride it. I am comfortable riding it. In fact, here’s me using it earlier today.

[Cut to video clip of 1 in the subway]

The New York City subway is the best way to get around. [she is not familiar with how the metro card works.] I guess it’s been a while. This isn’t working, metro card. I’ll just go in the old fashioned way. [She climbs over] I’ll take a cab. Cab is the best way to get around.

[Cut back to 1 sitting on a sofa]

So see New Yorkers? I’m just like all of you. I never sleep. I’m in a hurry to get to work. When I’m running, I really hate it when a slow old jew gets in my way.

[alarm beeping]

Oh, there is my alarm. Time to turn my hat around. Here we go. Oh, god. I love those New York meats. So to all of my supporters here in New York, please remember to get out there next Tuesday and cast your vote for me. And to all of you young people in New York, let me say this. Funny is for nerds. I mean, who cares? Just leap in. I’m sure you’re all hungover from your templar parties anyway. And to Suzan Sarandon who said Trump might better for America than me, why don’t you take Tuesday to go driver off another cliff? Now listen, I know Bernie may be tempting some of you. He’s honest, she’s shouted as it is, and even a cute little bird landed on his podium that one time, that was politics for all day. But guess what? I’ve got a winged friend of my own.

[1 pulls out a raven from the back]

She is the three-eyed raven from the Game of Thrones. And her message is clear. If you don’t vote for me on April nineteenth, winter is coming. [1 throws the raven away] And finally everyone, I know this week, a pesky little you know what, said I wasn’t qualified to be president, but here’s the truth. I would be the strongest candidate to go up against Donald Trump face to face, or go up against Ted Cruz face to whatever it is you call that up there. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses]

[Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on The Walking Dead Season Finale (ft. Norman Reedus)

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Norman Reedus

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Over a 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama, The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler free recap of that big season 5 finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? So, now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?

Pete Davidson: It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I’m kind of like freaking out right now.

Colin Jost: You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it’s just a show.

Pete Davidson: Is it? Or is it a glimpse of our near future? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, yeah. We know. Because we have noses.

Pete Davidson: Ah! Then you see my problem. [Cut to Pete Davidson] The zombie apocalypse is coming and odds are I’m gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of day time or night time. So, this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours… for me to even notice what’s going on. I’ll be like, “Wow. Ms. Kar Michael from downstairs can’t keep her hands off me today. But hold up. Isn’t she like, 88? And hold up, didn’t she like used to have a jaw? And hey, remember jawbreakers? I love that candy. Candy, sugary sweet.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost. Colin Jost is clueless.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And then what happens?

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. That’s the problem. I’ll probably be wandering around in search of candy and I’ll stagger in to like, some survivor’s camp, and then they’re gonna shoot me, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, they’re not gonna shoot you.

Pete Davidson: When I’m high, it’s really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] My eyes are glazed and bloodshot. I’m sluggish. I’m hunched over and shuffling coz that’s how I walk normally.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know Pete, if you’re that worried about it, you could always just stop smoking pot.

Pete Davidson: I came to you for help, Colin. Alright? There’s a zombie apocalypse going on and you’re being a real ass.

Colin Jost: Well, I think you’re being kind of paranoid. And honestly, I have to ask, did you smoke a little before you came out here? Is that what happened?

Pete Davidson: [smiles] Maybe! Are you wearing three different kinds of hair product?

Colin Jost: Maybe. Listen, there’s nothing to worry about Pete. Okay? I’m sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie.

[Pete Davidson turns towards Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: Really? You sure?

Colin Jost: Yes, sure. I’m positive.

Pete Davidson: Coz I’m like, really worried about it. I hope not–

Colin Jost: Absolutely. I think you’re totally fine.

[Pete Davidson gets shot by an arrow.]

Pete Davidson: Ouch!

[Norman Reedus walks in]

Norman Reedus: Don’t worry, don’t worry! [talking to Colin] You gotta be careful buddy, he was about to go for your throat.

Colin Jost: No, no, no. Daryl Dixon, he’s not a zombie.

Norman Reedus: Really?

Colin Jost: Ya.

Norman Reedus: What about this complexion? Ain’t no living thing got that color. And he’s so slow moving. I’m confused.

Pete Davidson: It’s just good weed, man!

Norman Reedus: So, wait a minute. You telling me I just shot an ordinary person?

Colin Jost: Ya!

Norman Reedus: Huh! What about that dude in the elevator?

Colin Jost: Where in the elevator?

Norman Reedus: Never mind.

Pete Davidson: I’d just like to point out that there’s an arrow in my chest. And I feel no pain coz this weed is fire!

Norman Reedus: You’re gonna be fine, buddy! Come on, walk it off.

Pete Davidson: Ay, you’re the dude from The Boondock Saints!

Norman Reedus: And you’re the dude who’s gonna show me where that weed is. Come on!

Colin Jost: Yeah! Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus, everyone!

[Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus leave]

Weekend Update Jebidiah Atkinson Reviews Television Shows

Michael Che

Jebidia Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New seasons of the critically acclaimed series Mad Men and the Game of Thrones will begin soon. And many are saying we are in a golden age of television. Here with his reviews of some of these hit shows is a man who has been around longer than TV itself, 1860s newspaper critic, Jebidia Atkinson.

[Jebidia Atkinson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jebidia Atkinson: Thank you Michael, for that [sarcastically] enthusiastic introduction. So good to be back.

Michael Che: So, Jebidia, have you been keeping up with all these big TV shows?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I have, Michael. And as always, you’ll find my reviews to be perfectly moderate and totally rational.

Michael Che: You know, I was worried about that.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

Jebidia Atkinson: [clears throat] [yellng] All TV is excument. Mad Men, the most likeable character in this show is cigarettes. Hey AMC, if I wanted to know what life is like in the 1960s, I’d move to Indiana. Oh! I’ve been around a long time, it’s never been a great state.

Game of Thrones, oh great! A softcore porn with 100 hours of back story. At least in porn, you know how it’s gonna finish. Oh, and George R. R. Martin, you better hurry up and write those books, because from the look of you, winter is coming.

And House of Cards. The only thing lazier than the writing is Kevin Spacey’s attempt to solve the accent. Uh! And when he makes those turns to camera, I haven’t witnesses shots that jarring since the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, Jebidia. You were at the even that started World War I?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I was, Michael. But I prefer the sequel.

Michael Che: Come on! Jebi–

Jebidia Atkinson: Oh, what? World War II wasn’t a better war?

Michael Che: That’s pretty harsh, man! There must be some shows that you do like.

Jebidia Atkinson: [yelling] I haven’t liked any television ever! [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] It’s been 80 years of mind-poisoning rrrefuse, and I’ve rrrrreviewed it all! Herrrrre. Refuse from the archives.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m listening.

Jebidia Atkinson: Thanks. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] I want your full attention, Michael. The West Wing, the best lines on that show are the ones that went up Sorkin’s nose. Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.]

Good distance on that one.

Cheers, where everybody knows your name, from the AA meetings. Next!

Oh, and Lost! Sure it started out good, but I haven’t seen a final season that bad since Joe Paterno’s.

Oh! Oh! Oh! If you don’t like that joke, just do as Joe did in “Turn A Blind Eye”.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on! You don’t like anything on TV? What about like a classic comedy? Like Seinfeld?

Jebidia Atkinson: Ah! Seinfeld. I’d rather watch Michael Richards do stand up at the Apollo. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] That’s right. I haven’t forgiven him yet. Hey Kramer, I can say an N word too… Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.] Keep that for souvenir.

Saturday Night Live. The same tired characters repeating the same tired catch phrases. Next!

The Honeymooners. A greedy depiction of a bus driver from the slums who abuses his wife. It’s a comedy? [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che] And who is the genius who said, “Oh, this is great. Let’s turn it into a cartoon, set it in the stone age when women had it even harder time?”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

And now, we come to the worst television show of all time, I Love Lucy. But I don’t think I should do this joke after the audience rioted over the Paterno joke.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know what? I don’t think you should–

Jebidia Atkinson: [interrupting and yelling] Well, I’m going to, Michael! It’s my thing.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

I Love Lucy. Hey, Lucy, you got some explaining to do like why you’d stay married to a man who rafted over from Cuba just to crush your dreams? They should have called this show, “I Love Lucy’s Ability To Get Me A Green Card.”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jebidia Atkinson, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.