Prom Queen

Norman Ostroburg… Michael Keaton

Pete Davidson

Eddie… Mike O’Brien

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

Rich… Bobby Moyninah

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a teacher teaching students in a classroom]

Norman: So, goal here would be to make the imaginary numbers less intimidating. Let’s move on to–

[Cut to Pete and Eddie]

Pete: Hey, man! You’re going to prom?

Eddie: Of course. Looking to win my 6th consecutive Prom King.

Pete: Dude, you gotta graduate.

Eddie: Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna be Prom King and whoever I choose to take is gonna be Prom Queen.

Pete: So, you think you could anyone to prom and they’ll be queen? Just because they went with you?

Eddie: Basically.

Pete: Yeah, I don’t know.

Eddie: 200 bucks. Name anyone in the school.

Pete: Anyone?

Eddie: Anyone.

[Cut to Kate playing with her pencil in her mouth. Pete and Eddie are behind her.]

Pete: Um, that girl. [pointing at Kate]

Eddie: What Mr. Ostroburg?

Pete: [looking funny] Yes!

Eddie: It’s too hard, man! The guy’s a dork.

Pete: If you don’t think you can do it, pay up now.

[bell rings] [Cut to Norman reading his notes. The students are leaving. Eddie approaches Norman]

Eddie: Mr. Ostroburg?

Norman: Ya.

Eddie: Holy crap, some of the stuff you were saying today, it’s real as hell.

Norman: Please, Eddie, don’t cay crap nor hell, alright?

Eddie: Alright. Um, I didn’t really get some of the stuff about imaginary numbers.

Norman: Well, if you’re free during 7th grade, we could go over then.

Eddie: Not. I could come over house after school.

Norman: Ah, well, sure. I suppose that’ll be alright.

Eddie: Right? Great! Alright.

[Kate is looking at Norman]

Kate: My next class is in here.

Norman: Okay.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie in Norman’s house.]

Norman: Here you go.

Eddie: That’s B. I think I’m starting to actually get a little bit of this stuff.

Norman: Oh! You’re a smart kid, Ed.

Eddie: I’ve got a great teacher.

Norman: Thank you. Alright, let’s get back.

[Cut to Venessa walking in with a wine glass.]

Venessa: Well, it’s 7:Eddie0. So, I’m gonna turn in. Don’t stay up too late.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Norman: Yeah, got it. Goodnight.

[Cut to Venessa. She just walks looking at them.] [Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Eddie: Um, can I try something?

Norman: Sure.

[Eddie takes Norman’s glasses off. Eddie looks at him nicely then puts the glasses back on him.]

Eddie: I just kind of thought that’d be something different. Um, are you going to prom?

Norman: Yeah, for Shepra.

Eddie: Oh, I was wondering if you’d want to go with me instead.

Norman: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Eddie: Yeah?

Norman: Yeah.

Eddie: Great. That’s awesome.

Norman: Okay. Great.

[Eddie leaves]

Eddie: I’ll pick you up at 6.

[Cut to the teachers in the staff room.

Aidy: Rich, that’s crazy. You have all the hot gossip.

Rich: Please, that is nothing. You wanna hear something real juicy?

Aidy: Yes!

Sasheer: Dish it!

Rich: Eddie Galavan is taking a loser to prom and he $200 that he could make him Prom Queen.

[Norman overhears their conversation and is shocked.]

Sasheer: Eddie’s gonna turn some loser into Prom Queen?

Rich: I mean, he’s gonna try.

Sasheer: I cannot wait to see this.

[Norman storms out of the staff room]

Aidy: What a loser!

[Cut to Norman and Venessa in their house.]

Venessa: Norman. It’s 7:30. Doesn’t the prom start at 7?

Norman: Yeah. Um, moving along with the weather, so I got Ted to shop around.

Venessa: Oh, well. I’m gonna to my Vicks vapor rub and go to bed.

[Venessa leaves] [door bell ringing] [Norman opens the door. It’s Eddie soaking wet in the rain.]

Eddie: Hey!

Norman: What do you want?

Eddie: Listen, hear me out. There was a bet, okay? It was a stupid, stupid bet. And I don’t even care about the money or any of that. Coz I accidentally… I accidentally fell in love.

Norman: Stay right here.

[Norman goes in and comes back dressed up for prom.] [Cut to Norman getting back home with his Prom Queen crown] [Cut to Eddie waving his hand bye to Norman] [Eddie leaves]

Neurotology Music Video

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Taran Killm

Colin Jost

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Written: In Kate990, the Church of Neurotology  made the following music video. It has been updated based on new information about the church.

[Cut to the music video] [music playing]

Kate: [singing] Reach out your hand and follow
I have a code, code to the key
the key to the secret, the secret of space
it’s Neurotology

Aidy: Religion and science intertwined
aliens live inside of your minds
a billion year contract we have signed
it all makes sense to me

Everybody: We’ll always believe this
we are invested, invested to death

[Subtitle says Aidy left Neurotology in 2004] [Subtitle says Kate left Neurotology in twothousandseven] [Subtitle says Kyle has become outspoken critic of Neurotology] [Subtitle says 4 is the author of ‘Brainwashed: My hellish years in Neurotology.] [But they all are singing happily in the video]

We’re in this forever
never to leave until our last breath.
We are here, our path is real we are finally free
with Neurotology

Kate: Our gorgeous religion old and true,
started in 1982
I found it brings us endless life
coz he can never die

Aidy: Our brain machines can fix our minds
our brain machines can save man kind
each brain machine cost 20 grand
and that is fair and fine.

[Subtitle shows that the woman at left of Aidy is not allowed to see her family and the woman at her right was thrown off the boat.]

Everybody: We, we are the children
the children of Meepthorp,
the science is there

[Subtitle says a woman singing makes ten cents an hour as Neurotology janitor.] [Subtitle says Colin blackmails gay actors.] [Subtitle says Kenan left after googling ‘Neurotology’.] [But they all are singing happily in the video]

We, we are a family, joined by the knowledge
the knowledge we share
We are life, we are life
We are proud to be a Neurotology
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe

[Subtitle says Taran  is a senior official of Neurotology, he has beat up everyone in this video, once drop-kicked a woman like a football] [Subtitle says many people who are singing are missing.]

We are all, we are one, we will always be


Michael Keaton Tribute Monologue

Michael Keaton

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much. Thanks. Thanks a lot. It’s so good to be back here. It’s been a long time since I’ve been hosting Saturday Night Live. The first time I hosted was way back in 1982.

[cheers and applause]

I know. It’s a long time. I know. That’s pretty crazy. A lot has happened to me since then. Let’s see. I had a baby. [cheers and applause] She’s 31. I also have a new girlfriend. She’s 28. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.

[Taran and Bobby walk in laughing]

Taran: Good one!

Bobby: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: Oh, that’s okay. You guys have been hanging out all week. You know, you can use my first name.

Bobby: Oh, okay. Thanks Batman.

Michael Keaton: No, no. Michael.

Bobby: Right. Michael. Look, we just wanted to say, it is really an honor to have you here.

Taran: Absolutely. Honestly, your movies are what made me wanna be an actor.

Michael Keaton: Oh, thank you very much. It’s so great.

Bobby: You’re welcome. We kind of have a favor to ask.

Michael Keaton: Right now?

Taran: Ya, ya, ya. It will only take a second. Music.

Michael Keaton: Music?

[background music playing]

Taran: [singing] I was 7 years old, when just like that [snaps his fingers] my whole world was set of blaze by man dressed as a bat
now he’s here in front of me, it’s a dream come true
and I’d never forgive myself, Michael, if I didn’t ask you

Michael Keaton: Ask what?

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
come on up on the suit, we’ll be the villains at your pitan
it’s our real life fantasy, we don’t mean to be geeks

Michael Keaton: That’s too late.

Taran: But before you answer, you should know this

it was my birthday this week.

Michael Keaton: Oh, really? Well, happy birthday!

Taran: So you’ll do it?

Michael Keaton: No, no, no, no. I didn’t say that.

Taran: Okay. We understand. We don’t want to pressure you at all.

Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you.

[Jay walks in. He’s wearing half Batman and half Joker costume.]

Jay: Bat dance!

Bobby: No!

Taran: [yelling] Jay, he just said no. Dammit Jay!

Bobby: [yelling] You’re embarrassing us in front of our hero, Jay. [Jay leaves] My, sorry about that.

Michael Keaton: Yeah, that’s alright.

Bobby: Where were we?

[music playing]

Bobby: I was an awkward teen, had trouble fitting in
I saw a man up on the screen, and I was a weirdo, just like him
you were the ghost with the most, motherflipping Beetlejuice
now you’re the host of the most, and I just need one thing from you

Michael Keaton: Yeah, I bet I know what that is.

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?

Michael Keaton: Ay, someone bring Lorne.

Taran and Bobby: We can write a sand word and our bond will only deepen
Never seen that world, it’s a best gift you could give

Bobby: It would mean so much to my parents
coz I got only six weeks to live

Michael Keaton: Oh, man! Really?

Bobby: I mean, it’s just a guess I’ve made based on the choices I’ve made.

Michael Keaton: Ya, ya. Alright, look. This is gonna sound harsh but, I don’t know. Guys. Taran, you’re what? 30?

Taran: Yeah.

Michael Keaton: Bobby, you’re… 60?

Bobby: Yeah, sure. ;.

Michael Keaton: Yeah. So, what do you think we just really focus on making tonight really good?

Taran: You’re right. You’re right.

Bobby: Absolutely.

[Jay walks in dancing dressed as Harry Belafonte.]

Jay: Shake, shake, shake–

Taran: [yelling] Jay!

Bobby: [yelling] Why are you ruining this?

Taran: [yelling] We’re not doing that either, Jay.

Jay: [yelling] You guys told me to dress like this! Both of you!

[Jay leaves screaming]

Michael Keaton: Wow.

Bobby: He was Harry Belafonte.

Michael Keaton: Yeah, I got that. Look, guys, I’m sorry. It’s just not gonna happen.

Taran: Well, it kind of already did. Roll the tape?

[Cut to Taran and Bobby dressed as Joker and Penguin.]

Taran: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Bobby: You dare throw out our plan?

Taran: Who do you think you are?

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa reading the script. A mask and a Batman suit is edited on him.] [Cut to Taran and Bobby in a graveyard. Bobby dressed as Otho and Taran dressed Delia Deetz]

Taran: Otho, we’re trapped in this spooky place. We need to get out.

Bobby: Oh, Delia, I know just the thing.

Taran and Bobby: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

[Cut to 1 using his phone at the backstage of SNL. Beetlejuice clothes and hair are edited on him.] [Cut to 1, Taran and Bobby on SNL monologue set]

Michael Keaton: Hey, yeah. That’s gotta be illegal.

Taran and Bobby: Right? Ha-ha-ha.

[singing] Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?

[Other members of SNL come in dancing wearing a Batman shirt.]

Michael Keaton: I need to get out of here.

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?

Michael Keaton: [yelling] Alright!

[Cut to 1 zoomed into his face]

I’m Batman!

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Taran, 1 and Bobby]

And boys, it’s show time.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to everybody]

We have a great show. Carly Rae Jepsen is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Easter Hotline

Sasheer Zamata

Grandmother… Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones

Matthew… Kyle Mooney

David, Thomas… Taran Killam

Grandfather… Michael Keaton

[Starts with Sasheer talking]

Sasheer: It’s been a long lonely winter and you’re dying to connect with someone new. Well, we know the perfect woman ready to take you call. she can’t wait to talk. So this Easter, why not try calling?

[Cut to Grandmother]

Your grandmother. Your grandmother is standing by ready to talk all day long.

[phone ringing] [Grandmother picks up the phone]

Grandmother: Hello.

[Cut to split screen of Matthew and Grandmother]

Matthew: Nana, it’s Matthew.

Grandmother: Who is this?

Matthew: It’s Matthew.

Grandmother: What is this for?

Matthew: For talking. It’s your grandson.

Grandmother: I can’t talk. I’m waiting for my grandson to call. Bye-bye.

[Grandmother hangs up the phone.]

Matthew: What?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. YOu didn’t know what was happening. So, call your grandmother today.

[Cut to another grandmother] Because she woke up at four:thirty to go to the pharmacy, and she is totally free. For you.

[phone ringing] [Grandma picks up the phone] [Cut to split screen of Grandma and David]

Grandma: Hello?

David: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, David, hi. David, did you get the birthday package I sent you?

David: Um, no I did not.

Grandma: Oh, shoot. I sent it to fortysix Aderson Drive, East Rutherford, New Jersey.

David: Well, that’s not my address grandma. I don’t know whose address that is.

Grandma: Okay. Well, they might be spoiled by the time they get to you. It’s fifty pears.

David: Why?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Um! That’s a lot of pears. So call your grandma tonight. It couldn’t be easier. Watch. [Sasheer dials a number] [Cut to split screen of Sasheer and her grandmother.]

Hi grandma.

Sasheer’s grandma: Hello?

Sasheer: Hello.

Sasheer’s grandma: Do those jeans fit you baby? If they don’t fit you, you know you can ship them back to me and I could take them back.

Sasheer: They fit fine.

Sasheer’s grandma: I mean, I could go right back to KMart and get another pair if they dont–

Sasheer: They fit fine grandma. Thank you.

[Sasheer hangs up the phone.]

They don’t fit. In fact, look how bad they are.

[Cut to full body of Sasheer. The jeans have Micky and Minnie mouse printed on it.]

So call your grandmother and if you’re feeling really adventurous, why not talk to your grandfather? He is outside but he will come in just for you.

[Cut to Thomas talking to Grandpa on the phone]

Grandpa: Ay, there he is.

Thomas: Hi, Grams.

Grandpa: Hey, how’s your best friend Thomas?

Thomas: Um, he was my best friend in kindergarten grandpa.

Grandpa: I love him, Thomas. I love that kid. Does he still like trees?

Thomas: I don’t know, grandpa.

Grandpa: Ay, remember that time I walked in you two and you both had your penises out?

Thomas: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And why not spice things up by talking at the exact same time with him for the entire rest of the phone call?

[Cut to David talking to Grandpa on the phone]

David: So, how are–

Grandpa: So, what’s new?

David: Yeah. nothing–

Grandpa: I’m fine, you?

David: I’m good grandpa. I’m jus–

Grandpa: I’m fine, how are you?

David: How’s the house–

Grandpa: Ay, did you hear about David?

David: I’m David!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What a mess! So, this Easter, call your grandmother and your grandfather

[Cut to Grandma and Grandpa talking to David]

Grandpa: Tell David I got that shower radio.

Grandma: Your grandpa like, got a shower radio.

David: Oh, cool.

Grandpa: What did he say?

Grandma: He said that’s cool. Oh, my god. The geese are back. Hold on.

[Grandma passes the phone to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Hey, oh god. David, we gotta deal with the geese. Hold on.

[David leaves the phone hanging]

Grandma: Come on here!

Grandpa: I am here. Get off the rod.

Grandma: Go!

Grandpa: Why did these geese love these house?

David: Hello?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: So, take a deep breath and call your grandparents today. You know the number, because it hasn’t changed your entire life.

[cheers and applause]

Easter Candy

Michael Keaton

Portia… Kate McKinnon

Jordan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an Easter basket and a rabbit] [Cut to Michael inside a house]

Michael: Oh, hi. [Michael pulls out an Easter basket] Well, it’s that time again, everybody. It’s Easter. Let’s see what’s in our Easter basket. Hmm… This… this is an Easter egg guys. I think it’s eggs. This… [Michael gets a stuffed rabbit] this is a blush bunny rabbit. I call him Glenny, after Glenn Close. Yesterday was good Friday. But this… [Michael shows a DVD of the TV show ‘Friday’] this is the best Friday. [Michael looks away] Hey, Portia, how’s it going over there?

[Cut to Michael and Portia. Portia is wearing bunny ears on her.]

Portia: Good.

Michael: What… what are you doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: I’m hiding eggs. [Portia takes an egg from the bucket and hits it on the wall.] [Cut to Michael]

Michael: [giggling] How cute is she? The answer is, “Kind of.” And for our Jewish friends, [Michael gets a bread] this is unleavened bread. Which means, unlike Jesus, it doesn’t rise. Jesus one, bread nothing. [Michael throws away the bread.]

Oh, look here. [Michael gets the chocolate egg] This is a Cadbury egg. I gave these up for Lance last year. You know what they gave up this year? Cocaine… Almost.

Hey, Portia, what have you got over there?

[Cut to Portia holding a chick]

Portia: A child chicken.

[Cut to Michael and Portia]

Michael: Where did you find it?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Hmm, he found me. Online.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yikes! In here, oh yeah, this. [Michael gets a marshmallow]  Here’s marshmallow peep. I coughed this out whole this morning.

[looks nicely at the camera]

Something’s wrong with me. And these… [Michael gets the Jordan almonds] these are Jordan almonds. And, this is my friend Jordan.

[Jordan walks in]

He’s not an almond but he’s a nut. Show em’

[Jordan makes weird noises and leaves]

Yeah, told ya’! Hey, Portia, what’s your chic doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Um, I think he’s hungry. Eat your own nugget.

[Portia gives chicken nugget to a chic ] [audience screaming ‘Aw!’] [Cut to Michael]

Michael: Wow. This kid has all the warning signs.

[Michael gets a small Santa]

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Santa. What’s this little turkey doing in here? Ha-ha-ha. We got work for you. Attention whore!

[Michael gets a stuffed monkey]

This is an Easter monkey. They say we descended from this. Yeah right! [Michael throws the stuffed monkey away]

And this is a chocolate bunny. [Michael gets the chocolate bunny] It’s actually hollow. Some people like the solid ones, but then, how are you gonna get your wiener in there?

Oh, boy. Look at this. [someone gives Michael a cocktail] Egg salad cosmo. Yeah! Don’t mind if I do.

Happy Easter everybody. [Portia walks behind Michael] Happy Easter Portia.

Portia: Happy Easter Michael Keaton.

[Jordan comes in and makes weird sound again]


College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set] [cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand] [Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

CNN Newsroom

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Jacklyn Jackson… Sasheer Zamata

Jake McKinsey… Bobby Moynihan

Dan Leman… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with CNN Newsroom intro] [Cut to Brooke in her news set]

Brooke: Welcome back.I’m Brooke Baldwin and you’re watching the loose collection of daytime nonsense we call the CNN Newsroom. That means you’re either sitting in an airport or you’re at home flipping through the channels and you’ve had a small stroke. Today’s top story, as it’s been for the last 11 days, the Germanwings airplane that crashed in the French alps last week, joining us now from Lucerne, France is our own Jacklyn Jackson.

[Cut to Jacklyn]

Jacklyn: Good to be here Brooke.

[Cut to split screen of Brooke and Jacklyn]

Brooke: Jacklyn, can you tell us what exactly happened to that plane.

Jacklyn: Even better, I can show you using one of CNN’s animated reenactments. Now, apparently one of the pilots was locked out of the cockpit and couldn’t open the door which we believe looked something like this.

[Cut to a bad quality animation of knocking the door.]

Brooke: So, that’s what it would look like if someone couldn’t open a door?

Jacklyn: Correct.

[Cut to Brooke and Jacklyn]

Brooke: Amazing. Now, why did the pilot leave the cockpit in the first place?

Jacklyn: He was apparently going to the bathroom or [hand gesturing quote.] tinkling, which we believe might have looked something like this.

[Cut to a bad quality animation of a man using the toilet.]

Brooke: Okay. So, that’s the pilot going to the bathroom? If you will?

Jacklyn: Um-hmm.

Brooke: That’s extremely informative, Jacklyn. Thank you.

[Cut to Brooke an Jacklyn]

Jacklyn: Yeah. The real thanks goes to the animators who put this whole thing together. We were lucky to get the same team that did the Dire Straits Money For Nothing music video from 1985.

Brooke: Well, kudos to them.

[Cut to Brooke]

Now, we hate to admit this here at CNN, but there are other stories happening in the world. Joining us from Switzerland where the US has negotiated a deal with Iran on nuclear weapons, it’s Jake McKinsey.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake, what’s the latest on those negotiation?

Jake: Um, we couldn’t get any footage from the actual negotiations but once again, CNN has the next best thing.

[Cut to reenactment of the meeting using puppets.]

A collection of puppets that can reenact what we think negotiations were like.

Brooke: Incredible. So, this is basically what it looked like.

[The puppets are yelling at each other]

Jake: Yes, clearly a very heated debate on both sides.

Brooke: And the puppet with the larger hair?

Jake: Is Secretary of State, John Carey. Correct.

Brooke: Okay. [two puppets shake their hands] Oh! And this appears to be the moment the deal took place.

[the puppets are celebrating]

There’s a handshake and they’re celebrating.

Jake: Yeah. Lot of joyous moment. You know, these puppets are a great resources because again, these were closed door negotiations.

[Cut to Brooke and Jake]

Brooke: And what does that mean? Closed door?

Jake: Um, I believe it looks something like this.

[Cut to the bad quality animation of knocking the door Jacklyn used before.]

Brooke: Okay. A lot to think about. [Cut to Brooke] That’s the biggest story in foreign policy. But here in America, many are focused on this so called ‘religious freedom laws’, now being hotly contested in Indiana and Arkansas. We couldn’t get a CNN reporter in either of those states, but we might have something even better. A local performance art group has agreed to give us a general sense of what’s been happening in both those states.

[Cut to CNN Reenactment Dance Troupe. A chef is in the middle.] [A man and a woman wearing a shirt with ‘Gay’ written on it are rejected by the chef. They are showing this by dancing.]

So, as you can see, the customers who are in fact gay are approaching the store owner asking for goods and services and they’re being turned away. And I should say this again, this is not actual footage from Indiana. This is merely a highly accurate dramatization. Okay.

[Now, the chef, gay man and gay woman are dancing together.]

Well, now it appears they’ve lost the thread of the story entirely and they’re pretty much just dancing. So let’s go ahead and mix in some random commentary from our own Dan Leman.

[Dan appear at the bottom of the screen.]

Dan: Um, [his voice is auto-tuned] Black people need to pull up their pants. Bl-bl-bl-bl-black people need to pull up their pants- pull up their pants- pull up their pants.

Brooke: Hmm, that’s a nice touch. [Cut to Brooke] Great work all around by the CNN research team. Let’s take a quick break. When we return, has CNN obtained a video-tape that shows Hillary Clinton deleting her emails.

[Cut to a cat wearing a sweater and pearl necklace using a computer]

Close, but that’s actually not Hillary Clinton. It’s a cat.

[Cut to Brooke]

We’ll explain how, after this.

[Ends with outro]