Tag: episode 17

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Barbara Walters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: ABC is denying that Barbara Walters wants to replace Rosie O’Donnell with Monica Lewinsky on ‘The View’. Said an ABC spokesman, “We have not had contractual relations with that woman. Maybe an old remit, but that doesn’t count.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a shape-shifting metal at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers in China have developed shape-shifting liquid metal machines, while researchers here in the US have developed a breakfast sandwich with [Picture changes to a Taco Bell Hash Brow] the hash browns on the inside. So, good luck with your real life version of a dude from the Terminator, China! We’ll be here in America eating Tacos for breakfast.

[Picture changes to candies, flowers and a calendar marked on April-5]

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. So, to all you Christians out there, happy Easter. And to the Jews, nice try!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid smoking cigarette and Indonesian flag on right top corner.]

Michael Che: You just started a holy war. The parents of a 6 year old Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking say that he is cut down to 5 cigarettes a day. That’s very impressive considering how stressed he has been at the sneaker factory.

[Picture changes to a brothel house]

Nevada’s  fame Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel is searching for a quality control tester who will be paid to have sex with prostitutes and rate their performance. The prostitutes will be graded from a scale from “F” to “Don’t F”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pregnant woman and Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Brooklyn gave birth in the back of an Uber car on the way to the hospital. This according to a zero-star review from the next passenger.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Hello everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

President Obama announced that a deal has been reached with Iran on their nuclear program that would leave sanctions and prevent the country from making a nuclear weapon. Because nuclear weapon should only be enhanced of responsible nations like, Britain, or France, [Picture changes to Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless.] or a country run by a Bond villain. [Picture changes to Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman] Or Dennis Rodman’s booty call. [Picture changes to a map of China] Or these human enthusiasts. Or the one country that’s actually used them. [Picture changes to map of USA.] Ay, it was only twice! It’s important to know that this deal is not a treaty and won’t be put onto writing until June. But when it comes to preventing nuclear holocaust, the last thing I wanna hear is, [pointing to his head] Don’t worry. I got it all up here.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of USA flag and Israel flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There’s concern in Washington that the nuclear deal with Iran is gong to hurt relations between the US and Israel. But our relationship is going to be fine. The US and Israel is like buddy cops in an action movie. [Picture changes to a photo of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover from the movie Lethal Weapon.] We were forced to be partners. We have very different methods of keeping the peace, and we blow up a ton of stuff in the process. Oh yeah, [Picture changes to Danny Glover and Barack Obama] and one of us is getting too old for this. And yes, [Picture changes to Mel Gibson and Benjamin Netanyahi] I am aware that Benjamin Netanyahu would probably be pretty upset that in this analogy he is Mel Gibson. But he definitely wouldn’t be as upset as Mel Gibson.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

Despite Hillary Clinton’s claims that she used her personal email while Secretary of State to avoid carrying more than one device. A new report shows that she emailed with her iPad in addition to her Blackberry. Even more alarming, her email signature was “Sent fro my Benghazi cover up device.”

[Picture changes to Robert Menendez]

New Jersey senator Robert Menendez was indicted this week on federal corruption charges. It’s no surprise considering that a senator taking a bribe [Picture chnges to seal logo of State of New Jersey] is the New Jersey state seal.

[Cut to Michael Che. Thre’s a picture

Michael Che: For the first time in nearly 20 years, Tyga Woods is not ranked in the list of the top 100 golfers in the world. This according to a recent toast, “An all white country club.”

Wallace Advertising

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Steve… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Mr. Wallace… Michael Keaton

[Starts with four people in the office of Wallace Advertising.]

Cecily: FYI folks, our CEO Mr. Wallace is going to be sitting in today.

Leslie: Mr. Wallace, why?

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Oh, he just said he wanna be more hands on in the creative process.

Steve: As long as he keeps hands off my lunch, I’ll be happy.

[everyone laughing]

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I just hope he keeps his hands off my lunch.

[Cut to everybody. No one laughs]

Oh, so you’re just gonna laugh at him but not laugh at me.

[Mr. Wallace walks in]

Mr. Wallace: Hey! How are you guys doing?

Cecily: Um, good Mr. Wallace. How are you?

Mr. Wallace: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Everything alright with you folks? I was getting too soft at that quarter office. I needed to get back down here where the action and greatest stuff happens. What do we got? What are we pitching?

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Um, it’s an ad for Labatto’s. The official cereal of the Labat Blue Brewing company.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace:  Great, great, great. Lay your smoke around me. Just right down the middle. Give it to me.

[Cut to everybody. Mr. Wallace starts using his nasal hair trimmer]

Beck: Sorry?

Mr. Wallace: This one’s a smoker. Right by me. Right down in the middle. Just was one by me. Come on! Right on my face! With me.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: Okay. So, this smoker is still in the rough stages. But we thought we open in our suburban kitchen, mama’s setting down two  bowls of Labatto’s on the table.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Good. Good.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: Uh, the dad comes in dressed for work and the son comes down also in a suit.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Ya.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The mom says, “Honey, what are you wearing?” He says, “I wanna go to work with daddy today.”

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: Yeah. And dad reaches down, tussle his son’s hair a little bit.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, and the mom’s got huge knockers. Go ahead!

Steve: Sure, sure. That can be part of it.

Mr. Wallace: No, no. It is part of it.

Steve: Sure. So, the mom has huge knockers.

Mr. Wallace: Good! Very good. Ya.

Steve: Exactly. And the kid says, “I want the same breakfast as daddy.”

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] No, no. You know what it is? [Cut to Mr. Wallace] he looks at knockers and he’s like, “I’ll have what he’s having.” [laughing] That’s very good. Really, that’s very good. What’s the hook though?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, well, okay, we thought maybe the mom would say, “If you keep keep eating your Labatto’s you can be like your dad.”

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, you cut to the kid and he put down his glasses and he goes right straight at the camera, he goes, “Whaaaat?” And the camera starts jiggling coz the cameraman is laughing. Go ahead.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Um, right. The camera jiggles. And the dad puts his arm around the mom, looks at the son, and he says–

Mr. Wallace: [interrupting] He says, “You keep eating that Labatto’s, you’re gonna pork this big old thing.” [laughs] [Cut to Mr. Wallace] And he points to the mom who looks to the camera. She goes, “Whaaaat?” The camera shoots straight up. Straight up. Coz cameraman had a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

He’s very good guy. He’s nice.

Steve: So, the camera’s just pointing at the ceiling?

Mr. Wallace: Yeah! Yeah, that’s great. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Then the kid leans into the shot. He looks down and he says, “Houston, we have a boner.” [laughs]

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Oh, my god! Mr. Wallace, your stomach is bleeding.

[Mr. Wallace’s stomach is bleeding all over his shirt.]

Mr. Wallace: Oh, shoot! Oh, god! [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Man! I’ve been flirting with his girl who got my bellybutton pierced. I think she might hit a vessel. Oh boy. Man, things we do for a piece of tail, huh Steve?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Steve: I guess so, sir. Yeah, don’t call me sir. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] That was my dad’s name. Call me Sir Sly. Now, who is another smoker at me?

[Cut to Cecily, Steve and Mr. Wallace]

Cecily: Okay, well, we have a pitch for a Spatz’s family brand ketchup.

Mr. Wallace: Great. What is it?

Cecily: Okay. We open on a backyard barbecue. Grandma is there with her famous special sauce.

Mr. Wallace: Good, good.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Beck: And then, someone put spats on her burger! Grand is–

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Steve: A bit set in her ways.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: So, grandma sees him put the ketchup on.

[Cut to Cecily and Steve]

Cecily: And she starts running over to him.

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah. She trips, falls down. Her face right on the grill. Her head gets on fire. And she’s screaming. Go ahead.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Um…

Steve: Uh, grandpa comes up. Put the fire out.

Beck: Grandma heads towards–

Mr. Wallace: Yeah, yeah, trips and falls faced on the grill this time, catches fire again. Go ahead.

Beck: And then grandpa…

Mr. Wallace: Pulls down his glasses. Go oh.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: And says, “Whaaaat?”

[Cut to Mr. Wallace being confused.]

Mr. Wallace: Explain!

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: I just..

[Cut to Mr. Wallace]

Mr. Wallace: No, no, no, no. You know what it is? Grandpa says, “You’re a little baby!” And then grandma pops up. By this time her whole old lady face is burnt right off. And now, she’s got a smoking hot babe face. And then, of course, the huge knockers we didn’t notice before. Everyone pulls down their sunglasses and are like, “Houston, we have another boner.” Go on!

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: The camera starts shaking.

Mr. Wallace: Exactly. [Cut to Mr. Wallace] Exactly. The cameraman is dying laughing. The camera flips around, we finally see the cameraman. He’s cool and fun than all of them. He thinks it’s about– Think about that guy, he’s the coolest one of all of em’. All of em’!

[Cut to everybody]

That’s good. Oh god! Jesus!

[Mr. Wallace’s shirt is all soaked in blood]

Everybody: Oh!

Mr. Wallace: Oh, man! This thing is getting worse. Okay, well, you guys keep working. I’ma– I’m gonna go to the hospital.

[ends]

[cheers and applause]

Smart Home

Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?

Prom Queen

Norman Ostroburg… Michael Keaton

Pete Davidson

Eddie… Mike O’Brien

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

Rich… Bobby Moyninah

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a teacher teaching students in a classroom]

Norman: So, goal here would be to make the imaginary numbers less intimidating. Let’s move on to–

[Cut to Pete and Eddie]

Pete: Hey, man! You’re going to prom?

Eddie: Of course. Looking to win my 6th consecutive Prom King.

Pete: Dude, you gotta graduate.

Eddie: Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna be Prom King and whoever I choose to take is gonna be Prom Queen.

Pete: So, you think you could anyone to prom and they’ll be queen? Just because they went with you?

Eddie: Basically.

Pete: Yeah, I don’t know.

Eddie: 200 bucks. Name anyone in the school.

Pete: Anyone?

Eddie: Anyone.

[Cut to Kate playing with her pencil in her mouth. Pete and Eddie are behind her.]

Pete: Um, that girl. [pointing at Kate]

Eddie: What Mr. Ostroburg?

Pete: [looking funny] Yes!

Eddie: It’s too hard, man! The guy’s a dork.

Pete: If you don’t think you can do it, pay up now.

[bell rings]

[Cut to Norman reading his notes. The students are leaving. Eddie approaches Norman]

Eddie: Mr. Ostroburg?

Norman: Ya.

Eddie: Holy crap, some of the stuff you were saying today, it’s real as hell.

Norman: Please, Eddie, don’t cay crap nor hell, alright?

Eddie: Alright. Um, I didn’t really get some of the stuff about imaginary numbers.

Norman: Well, if you’re free during 7th grade, we could go over then.

Eddie: Not. I could come over house after school.

Norman: Ah, well, sure. I suppose that’ll be alright.

Eddie: Right? Great! Alright.

[Kate is looking at Norman]

Kate: My next class is in here.

Norman: Okay.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie in Norman’s house.]

Norman: Here you go.

Eddie: That’s B. I think I’m starting to actually get a little bit of this stuff.

Norman: Oh! You’re a smart kid, Ed.

Eddie: I’ve got a great teacher.

Norman: Thank you. Alright, let’s get back.

[Cut to Venessa walking in with a wine glass.]

Venessa: Well, it’s 7:Eddie0. So, I’m gonna turn in. Don’t stay up too late.

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Norman: Yeah, got it. Goodnight.

[Cut to Venessa. She just walks looking at them.]

[Cut to Norman and Eddie]

Eddie: Um, can I try something?

Norman: Sure.

[Eddie takes Norman’s glasses off. Eddie looks at him nicely then puts the glasses back on him.]

Eddie: I just kind of thought that’d be something different. Um, are you going to prom?

Norman: Yeah, for Shepra.

Eddie: Oh, I was wondering if you’d want to go with me instead.

Norman: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Eddie: Yeah?

Norman: Yeah.

Eddie: Great. That’s awesome.

Norman: Okay. Great.

[Eddie leaves]

Eddie: I’ll pick you up at 6.

[Cut to the teachers in the staff room.

Aidy: Rich, that’s crazy. You have all the hot gossip.

Rich: Please, that is nothing. You wanna hear something real juicy?

Aidy: Yes!

Sasheer: Dish it!

Rich: Eddie Galavan is taking a loser to prom and he $200 that he could make him Prom Queen.

[Norman overhears their conversation and is shocked.]

Sasheer: Eddie’s gonna turn some loser into Prom Queen?

Rich: I mean, he’s gonna try.

Sasheer: I cannot wait to see this.

[Norman storms out of the staff room]

Aidy: What a loser!

[Cut to Norman and Venessa in their house.]

Venessa: Norman. It’s 7:30. Doesn’t the prom start at 7?

Norman: Yeah. Um, moving along with the weather, so I got Ted to shop around.

Venessa: Oh, well. I’m gonna to my Vicks vapor rub and go to bed.

[Venessa leaves]

[door bell ringing]

[Norman opens the door. It’s Eddie soaking wet in the rain.]

Eddie: Hey!

Norman: What do you want?

Eddie: Listen, hear me out. There was a bet, okay? It was a stupid, stupid bet. And I don’t even care about the money or any of that. Coz I accidentally… I accidentally fell in love.

Norman: Stay right here.

[Norman goes in and comes back dressed up for prom.]

[Cut to Norman getting back home with his Prom Queen crown]

[Cut to Eddie waving his hand bye to Norman]

[Eddie leaves]

Neurotology Music Video

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Taran Killm

Colin Jost

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Written: In Kate990, the Church of Neurotology  made the following music video. It has been updated based on new information about the church.

[Cut to the music video]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Reach out your hand and follow
I have a code, code to the key
the key to the secret, the secret of space
it’s Neurotology

Aidy: Religion and science intertwined
aliens live inside of your minds
a billion year contract we have signed
it all makes sense to me

Everybody: We’ll always believe this
we are invested, invested to death

[Subtitle says Aidy left Neurotology in 2004]

[Subtitle says Kate left Neurotology in twothousandseven]

[Subtitle says Kyle has become outspoken critic of Neurotology]

[Subtitle says 4 is the author of ‘Brainwashed: My hellish years in Neurotology.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We’re in this forever
never to leave until our last breath.
We are here, our path is real we are finally free
with Neurotology

Kate: Our gorgeous religion old and true,
started in 1982
I found it brings us endless life
coz he can never die

Aidy: Our brain machines can fix our minds
our brain machines can save man kind
each brain machine cost 20 grand
and that is fair and fine.

[Subtitle shows that the woman at left of Aidy is not allowed to see her family and the woman at her right was thrown off the boat.]

Everybody: We, we are the children
the children of Meepthorp,
the science is there

[Subtitle says a woman singing makes ten cents an hour as Neurotology janitor.]

[Subtitle says Colin blackmails gay actors.]

[Subtitle says Kenan left after googling ‘Neurotology’.]

[But they all are singing happily in the video]

We, we are a family, joined by the knowledge
the knowledge we share
We are life, we are life
We are proud to be a Neurotology
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe
Oh we, oh we do believe

[Subtitle says Taran  is a senior official of Neurotology, he has beat up everyone in this video, once drop-kicked a woman like a football]

[Subtitle says many people who are singing are missing.]

We are all, we are one, we will always be
Neurotology

 

Michael Keaton Tribute Monologue

Michael Keaton

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much. Thanks. Thanks a lot. It’s so good to be back here. It’s been a long time since I’ve been hosting Saturday Night Live. The first time I hosted was way back in 1982.

[cheers and applause]

I know. It’s a long time. I know. That’s pretty crazy. A lot has happened to me since then. Let’s see. I had a baby. [cheers and applause] She’s 31. I also have a new girlfriend. She’s 28. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.

[Taran and Bobby walk in laughing]

Taran: Good one!

Bobby: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: Oh, that’s okay. You guys have been hanging out all week. You know, you can use my first name.

Bobby: Oh, okay. Thanks Batman.

Michael Keaton: No, no. Michael.

Bobby: Right. Michael. Look, we just wanted to say, it is really an honor to have you here.

Taran: Absolutely. Honestly, your movies are what made me wanna be an actor.

Michael Keaton: Oh, thank you very much. It’s so great.

Bobby: You’re welcome. We kind of have a favor to ask.

Michael Keaton: Right now?

Taran: Ya, ya, ya. It will only take a second. Music.

Michael Keaton: Music?

[background music playing]

Taran: [singing] I was 7 years old, when just like that [snaps his fingers]
my whole world was set of blaze by man dressed as a bat
now he’s here in front of me, it’s a dream come true
and I’d never forgive myself, Michael, if I didn’t ask you

Michael Keaton: Ask what?

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
come on up on the suit, we’ll be the villains at your pitan
it’s our real life fantasy, we don’t mean to be geeks

Michael Keaton: That’s too late.

Taran: But before you answer, you should know this

it was my birthday this week.

Michael Keaton: Oh, really? Well, happy birthday!

Taran: So you’ll do it?

Michael Keaton: No, no, no, no. I didn’t say that.

Taran: Okay. We understand. We don’t want to pressure you at all.

Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you.

[Jay walks in. He’s wearing half Batman and half Joker costume.]

Jay: Bat dance!

Bobby: No!

Taran: [yelling] Jay, he just said no. Dammit Jay!

Bobby: [yelling] You’re embarrassing us in front of our hero, Jay. [Jay leaves] My, sorry about that.

Michael Keaton: Yeah, that’s alright.

Bobby: Where were we?

[music playing]

Bobby: I was an awkward teen, had trouble fitting in
I saw a man up on the screen, and I was a weirdo, just like him
you were the ghost with the most, motherflipping Beetlejuice
now you’re the host of the most, and I just need one thing from you

Michael Keaton: Yeah, I bet I know what that is.

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?

Michael Keaton: Ay, someone bring Lorne.

Taran and Bobby: We can write a sand word and our bond will only deepen
Never seen that world, it’s a best gift you could give

Bobby: It would mean so much to my parents
coz I got only six weeks to live

Michael Keaton: Oh, man! Really?

Bobby: I mean, it’s just a guess I’ve made based on the choices I’ve made.

Michael Keaton: Ya, ya. Alright, look. This is gonna sound harsh but, I don’t know. Guys. Taran, you’re what? 30?

Taran: Yeah.

Michael Keaton: Bobby, you’re… 60?

Bobby: Yeah, sure. ;.

Michael Keaton: Yeah. So, what do you think we just really focus on making tonight really good?

Taran: You’re right. You’re right.

Bobby: Absolutely.

[Jay walks in dancing dressed as Harry Belafonte.]

Jay: Shake, shake, shake–

Taran: [yelling] Jay!

Bobby: [yelling] Why are you ruining this?

Taran: [yelling] We’re not doing that either, Jay.

Jay: [yelling] You guys told me to dress like this! Both of you!

[Jay leaves screaming]

Michael Keaton: Wow.

Bobby: He was Harry Belafonte.

Michael Keaton: Yeah, I got that. Look, guys, I’m sorry. It’s just not gonna happen.

Taran: Well, it kind of already did. Roll the tape?

[Cut to Taran and Bobby dressed as Joker and Penguin.]

Taran: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Bobby: You dare throw out our plan?

Taran: Who do you think you are?

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa reading the script. A mask and a Batman suit is edited on him.]

[Cut to Taran and Bobby in a graveyard. Bobby dressed as Otho and Taran dressed Delia Deetz]

Taran: Otho, we’re trapped in this spooky place. We need to get out.

Bobby: Oh, Delia, I know just the thing.

Taran and Bobby: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

[Cut to 1 using his phone at the backstage of SNL. Beetlejuice clothes and hair are edited on him.]

[Cut to 1, Taran and Bobby on SNL monologue set]

Michael Keaton: Hey, yeah. That’s gotta be illegal.

Taran and Bobby: Right? Ha-ha-ha.

[singing] Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?

[Other members of SNL come in dancing wearing a Batman shirt.]

Michael Keaton: I need to get out of here.

Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?

Michael Keaton: [yelling] Alright!

[Cut to 1 zoomed into his face]

I’m Batman!

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Taran, 1 and Bobby]

And boys, it’s show time.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to everybody]

We have a great show. Carly Rae Jepsen is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Easter Hotline

Sasheer Zamata

Grandmother… Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones

Matthew… Kyle Mooney

David, Thomas… Taran Killam

Grandfather… Michael Keaton

[Starts with Sasheer talking]

Sasheer: It’s been a long lonely winter and you’re dying to connect with someone new. Well, we know the perfect woman ready to take you call. she can’t wait to talk. So this Easter, why not try calling?

[Cut to Grandmother]

Your grandmother. Your grandmother is standing by ready to talk all day long.

[phone ringing]

[Grandmother picks up the phone]

Grandmother: Hello.

[Cut to split screen of Matthew and Grandmother]

Matthew: Nana, it’s Matthew.

Grandmother: Who is this?

Matthew: It’s Matthew.

Grandmother: What is this for?

Matthew: For talking. It’s your grandson.

Grandmother: I can’t talk. I’m waiting for my grandson to call. Bye-bye.

[Grandmother hangs up the phone.]

Matthew: What?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. YOu didn’t know what was happening. So, call your grandmother today.

[Cut to another grandmother] Because she woke up at four:thirty to go to the pharmacy, and she is totally free. For you.

[phone ringing]

[Grandma picks up the phone]

[Cut to split screen of Grandma and David]

Grandma: Hello?

David: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, David, hi. David, did you get the birthday package I sent you?

David: Um, no I did not.

Grandma: Oh, shoot. I sent it to fortysix Aderson Drive, East Rutherford, New Jersey.

David: Well, that’s not my address grandma. I don’t know whose address that is.

Grandma: Okay. Well, they might be spoiled by the time they get to you. It’s fifty pears.

David: Why?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Um! That’s a lot of pears. So call your grandma tonight. It couldn’t be easier. Watch. [Sasheer dials a number]

[Cut to split screen of Sasheer and her grandmother.]

Hi grandma.

Sasheer’s grandma: Hello?

Sasheer: Hello.

Sasheer’s grandma: Do those jeans fit you baby? If they don’t fit you, you know you can ship them back to me and I could take them back.

Sasheer: They fit fine.

Sasheer’s grandma: I mean, I could go right back to KMart and get another pair if they dont–

Sasheer: They fit fine grandma. Thank you.

[Sasheer hangs up the phone.]

They don’t fit. In fact, look how bad they are.

[Cut to full body of Sasheer. The jeans have Micky and Minnie mouse printed on it.]

So call your grandmother and if you’re feeling really adventurous, why not talk to your grandfather? He is outside but he will come in just for you.

[Cut to Thomas talking to Grandpa on the phone]

Grandpa: Ay, there he is.

Thomas: Hi, Grams.

Grandpa: Hey, how’s your best friend Thomas?

Thomas: Um, he was my best friend in kindergarten grandpa.

Grandpa: I love him, Thomas. I love that kid. Does he still like trees?

Thomas: I don’t know, grandpa.

Grandpa: Ay, remember that time I walked in you two and you both had your penises out?

Thomas: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And why not spice things up by talking at the exact same time with him for the entire rest of the phone call?

[Cut to David talking to Grandpa on the phone]

David: So, how are–

Grandpa: So, what’s new?

David: Yeah. nothing–

Grandpa: I’m fine, you?

David: I’m good grandpa. I’m jus–

Grandpa: I’m fine, how are you?

David: How’s the house–

Grandpa: Ay, did you hear about David?

David: I’m David!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What a mess! So, this Easter, call your grandmother and your grandfather

[Cut to Grandma and Grandpa talking to David]

Grandpa: Tell David I got that shower radio.

Grandma: Your grandpa like, got a shower radio.

David: Oh, cool.

Grandpa: What did he say?

Grandma: He said that’s cool. Oh, my god. The geese are back. Hold on.

[Grandma passes the phone to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Hey, oh god. David, we gotta deal with the geese. Hold on.

[David leaves the phone hanging]

Grandma: Come on here!

Grandpa: I am here. Get off the rod.

Grandma: Go!

Grandpa: Why did these geese love these house?

David: Hello?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: So, take a deep breath and call your grandparents today. You know the number, because it hasn’t changed your entire life.

[cheers and applause]

Easter Candy

Michael Keaton

Portia… Kate McKinnon

Jordan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an Easter basket and a rabbit]

[Cut to Michael inside a house]

Michael: Oh, hi. [Michael pulls out an Easter basket] Well, it’s that time again, everybody. It’s Easter. Let’s see what’s in our Easter basket. Hmm… This… this is an Easter egg guys. I think it’s eggs. This… [Michael gets a stuffed rabbit] this is a blush bunny rabbit. I call him Glenny, after Glenn Close. Yesterday was good Friday. But this… [Michael shows a DVD of the TV show ‘Friday’] this is the best Friday. [Michael looks away] Hey, Portia, how’s it going over there?

[Cut to Michael and Portia. Portia is wearing bunny ears on her.]

Portia: Good.

Michael: What… what are you doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: I’m hiding eggs. [Portia takes an egg from the bucket and hits it on the wall.]

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: [giggling] How cute is she? The answer is, “Kind of.” And for our Jewish friends, [Michael gets a bread] this is unleavened bread. Which means, unlike Jesus, it doesn’t rise. Jesus one, bread nothing. [Michael throws away the bread.]

Oh, look here. [Michael gets the chocolate egg] This is a Cadbury egg. I gave these up for Lance last year. You know what they gave up this year? Cocaine… Almost.

Hey, Portia, what have you got over there?

[Cut to Portia holding a chick]

Portia: A child chicken.

[Cut to Michael and Portia]

Michael: Where did you find it?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Hmm, he found me. Online.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yikes! In here, oh yeah, this. [Michael gets a marshmallow]  Here’s marshmallow peep. I coughed this out whole this morning.

[looks nicely at the camera]

Something’s wrong with me. And these… [Michael gets the Jordan almonds] these are Jordan almonds. And, this is my friend Jordan.

[Jordan walks in]

He’s not an almond but he’s a nut. Show em’

[Jordan makes weird noises and leaves]

Yeah, told ya’! Hey, Portia, what’s your chic doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Um, I think he’s hungry. Eat your own nugget.

[Portia gives chicken nugget to a chic ]

[audience screaming ‘Aw!’]

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Wow. This kid has all the warning signs.

[Michael gets a small Santa]

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Santa. What’s this little turkey doing in here? Ha-ha-ha. We got work for you. Attention whore!

[Michael gets a stuffed monkey]

This is an Easter monkey. They say we descended from this. Yeah right! [Michael throws the stuffed monkey away]

And this is a chocolate bunny. [Michael gets the chocolate bunny] It’s actually hollow. Some people like the solid ones, but then, how are you gonna get your wiener in there?

Oh, boy. Look at this. [someone gives Michael a cocktail] Egg salad cosmo. Yeah! Don’t mind if I do.

Happy Easter everybody. [Portia walks behind Michael] Happy Easter Portia.

Portia: Happy Easter Michael Keaton.

[Jordan comes in and makes weird sound again]

 

College Basketball

Ernie Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kenny Smith… Jay Pharoan

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Mike Krzyzewski… Taran Killam

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Road to the Final Four intro]

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Ernie: Thank you for joining us on the CBS post game show. I’m Ernie Johnson here with Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley. Well, the teams are set. [Cut to Ernie] A big upset tonight as Wisconsin beats Kentucky and will play Duke for the man’s national championship. What an exciting performance by these student athletes, guys.

[Cut to all]

Kenny: Incredible.

Charles: Yeah. It really was. [Cut to Charles] I don’t even like college basketball. They just pay me to sit here for two weeks in March and keep talking until somebody hands me a sandwich.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: Well, some tough news after the game guys. As Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski announced, his team may have major setback. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Mike in a press conference]

Mike: Um, thank you all for being here. While we are thrilled to be competing for a national championship, I am sorry to report that one of our student athletes had an emergency. And our starting forward Jahlil Okafor will not play on Monday.

[Cut to the press being shocked.]

Kyle: Is he hurt?

Pete: Is he sick

Cecily: Did he tear an ACL?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Um, no. No. He has a big biology test on Tuesday. Real big. It’s a tough break but what are you gonna do?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wait, you’re gonna keep him out of the National Championship game because of a biology test?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Of course, I am. Guys, these are student athletes. Students. If they only came to college to play basketball, then we’d all look pretty silly.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Coach, millions of people will be watching. I mean, there are sponsors paying big money. Is this biology test really that important?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: It’s about more than the test, okay? It’s like I told all my players, college is the most important year of your life. Look, these guys get paid in education. And if we can’t give them that, it’s like they’re being robbed. It’s be as if Duke didn’t pay me my salary of $10 million this year. [laughing] I mean, insane! So right now. Jahlil is in the Buffalo Wildwing study tent quietly working on the paper.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: So, if Okafor isn’t playing, who will start?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Well, we still got Steve. Steve, you wanna come in here?

[Steve walks in with a basketball.]

Steve: Hey, what’s up? Yeah, let’s ball, am I right?

Mike: Steve is actually a walk on player. He is a 36 year old grad student.

Steve: Yeah. I went back to school to make my little girl proud.

Mike: Now, look. Is Steve better than Jahlil Okafor?

Steve: No.

Mike: Absolutely not.

Steve: No way.

Mike: Steve’s playing because he doesn’t have a test on Tuesday. That’s just how it works.

Steve: Yeah, we ballin’!

[Steve loses the ball from his hand]

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Ernie: Wow, tough break for Duke, specially for Jahlil Okafor.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean Okafor may feel bad today. But in the long run, it’s worth it. Remember, if he doesn’t take advantage of the college experience, he will just have to spend time the rest of his like a millionaire in NBA. That’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.

[Cut to Ernie]

Ernie: So, when you guys played, everyone cared this much about their studies?

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Oh, absolutely Ernie. There in my time in Auburn, all I thought about was homework. One game, I missed all these free throws because I couldn’t stop thinking about my science project. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how much baking soda to put in volcanos. And I majored in volcanos.

[Cut to Kenny]

Kenny: I mean in North Carolina, I studied all the time. Because I’d be damned if I was going to be the only one in the NBA who did not know the poetry of Emily Dickerson. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Charles]

Charles: Me too. Me too. College basketball, more than just a sport. It’s about tradition. It’s about values. It’s about a huge bet I made that Kentucky would at least cover this bread. Now I got to eat a basketball.

[Cut to Ernie, Kenny and Charles]

Come on, man!

Ernie: We’ll see how it all goes down on Monday right here. And…

Ernie, Kenny and Charles: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!