Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Well it’s been one week since Trump became the presumptive nominee and so far so good. This week the Washington Post were released a recording of Donald Trump posing as a fake publicist named John Miller to brag about his business deals and a sexual conquest. Trump is denying that it’s him. Let’s listen to the tape.[Cut to the subtitles. The recording is playing.]
Recording: “He’s coming out to a, you know, a marriage and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially. He’s probably doing as well as anybody there is.”[Cut to Colin Jost]
Come on! That’s Trump. Exhibit a use of the word ‘tremendously’. There’s only two times I’ve ever heard the word ‘tremendously’. From Donald Trump and from recordings of Donald Trump.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: John Miller is such a lazy first thought made up name too, but that’s like what Trump does. Everything he says just sounds like he’s on the speed round of Family Fued. Give us a fake name. Um, John Miller. Foreign policy? Build a wall. Megan Kelly? Oh, it’s bleeding. KKK? Pass. You know, if only there was a way but Trump to prove that John Miller is an actual person. Oh, I know. How about you show us John Miller’s birth certificate. Don’t you got a guy that can do that?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And look, if Donald Trump truly believes that’s not his voice on the phone, then I think we might have a fight club situation. I mean, I know his rallies are fight club, but I think John Miller might be his Tyler Durden, which also explains Trump’s confidence because every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Brad Pitt.[Cut to Michael Che. There’ s picture of Donald Trump and a lice at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to a new poll, 54% of Americans prefer lice to Donald Trump. Which is weird because lice already dropped out. [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: But this week, Donald Trump was officially endorsed by Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle. You know, the best guys and the smartest guys.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at left top corner.]
Michael Che: Hillary Clinton said that a number of Republicans who don’t support Donald Trump have been reaching out to her. She didn’t say which Republicans, but I bet I can name at least one off the top of my Jeb. [Picture changes to Jeb Bush.]