Tag: Kate McKinnon

Dakota Johnson Monologue

Dakota Johnson

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Don Johnson

Melanie Griffith

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dakota Johnson.

[Dakota Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dakota Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. It is such an honor to be here hosting SNL.

[cheers and applause]

New York is so beautiful this time of year. Just kidding. For those of you who don’t know me, I am currently starring in Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey is based on the best selling novel that that made you wanna never touch your mother’s kindle again. Doing this movie has completely changed my life. Like, for instance, my dry cleaner won’t look me in the eyes anymore. And my dog walker gives me a little wink every time he takes a lease off the wall. It’s so great.

But this movie is a ton of fun and I’m really proud of it. And I don’t want to speak too soon but I have a funny feeling that at next year’s Oscars, it’s gonna be not anywhere. But who cares? Right? I mean, I don’t care about that. But, it’s already made like, $500 million and the fans really love it. And by fans, I mean very specific group of–

[Cut to Kyle in the audience.He is wearing kinky leather outfit.]

Kyle: Hey, hello. Hi, excuse me. Hi. I was wondering if I could ask you a question.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Oh, we’re not really doing questions, sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: What if I begged?

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Okay, alright. Quickly, what is it?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I was just wondering, who do you think will be the GOP front runner for 2016?

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: Oh, really? That’s not what I was expecting you to ask.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m just kidding. I wanted to ask if you’d sign my wife’s ball gag. Honey?

[Kate stands up from the audience. She has the ball gag in her mouth, and now she puts it out.]

Kate: Your movie has brought us a lot closer. Even the kids have noticed.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: That is so sweet. Great, okay. And now I understand why my parents will not be seeing my movie. You may not know this, but my parents are Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. [cheers and applause] And it’s actually really incredible that I am standing on this stage right now because in December of 1988, my mother stood in this exact spot and hosted SNL. [cheers and applause] And this is true. This is true. Right after the show, my father got down on one knee and he proposed to her for the second time. And exactly nine months later, I was born. [Someone in the audience claps once] So, I must have– Thanks for that. One clap. So, I must have been conceived that night after the show… or maybe even during the show. Isn’t that right, you guys?

[Cut to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith in the audience covering their faces trying to hide.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

What’s wrong? Are you embarrassed that I told that story?

[Cut to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith]

Don Johnson: No, no. We were just afraid you were gonna be naked.

[Cut to Dakota Johnson]

Dakota Johnson: We have got a great show for you tonight. Alabama Shakes are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Kyle and Kate walk to the stage to get Dakota Johnson’s autograph on ball gag]

Teacher Snow Day

Student… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with clip of snowstorm news.]

[Cut to a TV in school’s cafeteria]

School announcer: Attention students in Ridgement School district. The following schools are closed today. [Cut to clips of empty school] St. Joseph hill and North Academy. Students should not come to school. I repeat, you must stay at home because this snow day, this snow day is for teachers!

[the music video starts]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[rapping] That’s right it’s a teacher’s snow day
no kids, no books, full pay

Cecily: You think we’re home grading papers
but we using em’ to smoke them our favorites

Leslie: Kids want a day off? Get in line
behind overwork teachers get drunk on wine

Sasheer: Teacher’s lounge is a nasty club

Kyle: And the only extra credit is a rub and tug

[Teachers are partying in teacher’s lounge]

Kenan: Teachers snow day

Cecily: Zero F’s given this is blizzard living

Kate: This ain’t the breakfast club, we drill to die

[Cut to a student walking in the halls of school alone]

Bobby: Here’s my hall pass sucker!

Jay: We got the school on lock
we do a lots of chalk
and when I’m in the R-room
I don’t wear a smock

Sasheer: Mr. K and Mrs. P are having 50 shades sex

Student: Just like I learned in my biology text.

Kyle: Mr. Reed, I’m doctor death
then I’m up in my chem lab, cooking meth.

Student: Came to school by mistake
saw drugs and jugs
thought my teachers were bitches
but they’re hardcore thugs

Bobby: Teachers snow day! Coz our dreams are dead, yo!

Aidy: The only PTA here is my pretty toy ass

Student: Not gonna lie, this is awesome!

[Cut to teachers looking out the window]

Jay: Oh, damn! It’s principal Hefernin

Cecily: I’ve never seen him at a snow day.

Leslie: He’s been here like, 65 years.

[Cut to principal in his car nodding his head to the beat]

Principal: This was my damn day off it wasn’t part of the plan
but when I roll up to school in my minivan
there’s something all these motherf* better understand
the dress code is out, I’m not wearing pants

Bobby: Understand that you can chuck your bleep
he got that something too, teachers lining up like team

Principal: I got PA announcement for every class
except, the P is for Pu* and A is for ass

Leslie: What do I teach? I don’t even remember
hands off in the spring a wake of September

Jay: We reverse hibernate, we asleep on summer

Kyle: So, when it’s blizzard time, we in a promp [bleep]

Cecily: This is our choice, teachers move the earth!

Kenan: We on that sweet dessert

Jay: We teach the children, we teach them well

Kate: But when it snows outside, they can go to hell.

Bobby: Yeah! Teachers snow day! 2k15.  Forever!

Leslie: Kids trust us. We need this more than you!

Kenan: Teacher’s snow day. Shut it down!

[Cut to all the teachers passed out in the teacher’s lounge.]

[Cut to the student taking their pictures]

Student: Well, I’m definitely passing Chemistry now.

Miss Trash 2015

Dadonk Fonten… J.K. Simmons

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a clip of Cheetos Auditorium]

Male voice: Live form the Cheetos Auditorium, 20 minutes outside Vegas, it’s America’s favorite beauty pageant, ‘Miss Trash 2015’.

[Cut to the stage. Dadonk is the MC.]

Dadonk: It’s Miss Trash 2015. Hello and welcome. I’m your host Dadonk Fonten. This year we celebrated Miss American, Miss Universe, but tonight we crown the queen of the dump. The woman who is best at being the worst. So, without further due, let’s meet our contestants for Miss Trash 2015.

[Cut to Aidy dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

First up, it’s Miss Trash Delaware. She has never had a sip of water. Last week she tried to join ISIS but they said, “No, thanks.” And this is interesting. She is deaf… initely not wearing any underwear.

Aidy: Oh, Hi Dadonk. My talents are banging dudes and being rude, and if I win, the first thing I’m gonna do is lay the hell down for a year! Aha-ha-ha-ha.

Dadonk: Gorgeous. Next up, please welcome Miss Trash California.

[Cut to Cecily dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]

Her nickname in high school was Slime Bitch. She was once dragged behind a horse for 15 miles and she is the woman who fired shots outside Joe Biden’s house last week.

Cecily: Hi, Dadonk. I wanna be Miss Trash coz when I was young, I was boy like. And I’ve taken all that anger of resentment and let it make me insane. And my behavior’s really bad.

Dadonk: What a beautiful story. Our third finalist is Miss Trash New York.

[Cut to Kate dancing in to the stage. She is a bit well dressed than the ones before.]

She has graduated at doggie day care. Her friends describe her as Butter with Eyes. And you can’t see them but she currently has over 400 stitches.

Kate: Hi, Dadonk. I should be Miss Trash because I love to do charity. Last week, I cut my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. They used it to make three outdoor brooms.

Dadonk: Fantastic. And finally, Miss Trash Vermont.

[Cut to Venessa walking in nicely. She is wearing a nice dress and her hair is nicely done.]

She loves necklaces and her little dog, Harry.

Venessa: Um, I thought this was Miss America.

Dadonk: But, did you check the right box on the form? The boxes for Miss America and Miss Trash are very close. Almost looks like the same box, but they’re not.

Venessa: Oh, maybe I didn’t.

Dadonk: Too bad, now you’re trash. These women have been here all day, and believe it or not, they’ve already have complete makeovers.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa. Aidy, Cecily and Kate look untidy.]

We have the before pictures but the network won’t allow us to show them [Cut to Dadonk] because they’re the visual equivalent of the F word.

[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa]

[singing] Look in her eyes, there’s nothing inside
it’s Miss Trash 2015

[Cut to Dadonk]

Dadonk: Alright, it’s time for the question and answer round. Miss Trash California, you’re up first.

[Cecily walks in. She is dancing.]

Your question is, what is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your life?

Cecily: Okay, that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. Just today, my gynecologist told me I was accepted to UTI. And I’m so excited, my crotches are on fire!

[Cecily leaves]

Dadonk: That’s wonderful. Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: What?

Dadonk: Your question is, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Aidy: Um, I guess if that’s your thing, coo-coo-coo. But for me, marriage is all about putting that paintus into puti. Final answer.

[Aidy leaves]

Dadonk: Stunning. Miss Trash Vermont.

[Venessa walks in]

Your question, what is your one regret?

Venessa: Um, I guess I mostly regret ever making eye contact with Miss Trash Delaware.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Yeah! You’re my mommy now!

[Aidy pulls Venessa away]

Dadonk: And finally Miss Trash New York.

[Kate walks in]

What is the one piece of advice that you would give to young girls?

Kate: I would tell them just believe in yourselves. That’s why I got this tattoo. [Kate shows her tattoo. It says ‘BUTT’.] It says ‘believe’ in Chinese.

Dadonk: It says ‘BUTT’ in english.

Kate: Thank you.

[Kate leaves]

Dadonk: What an incredible group. It’s time for a commercial break now, but when we come back, we will finally crown Miss Trash 2015. As always, winner will be sent to the hospital and runners-up will be sent to prison.

[the contestants walk behind Dadonk]

[singing] Who will be first?
the best of the worst
it’s Miss Trash 2015

Casablanca

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Rick… J.K. Simmons

Victor… Taran Killam

Ilsa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening. I am Reese De’What. Welcome to Cinema Classics. Tonight, we look at the recently unearthed alternate ending to the 1942 classic ‘Casablanca’, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. Why did they make this alternate ending? I do not know. This is not why I am here. If I were to guess, I would say that the director’s girlfriend said, “Hey, let’s try one my way.” But, I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. This morning, she asked me to guess what she wanted for her birthday. And I said, “I don’t know. Some common sense and a bra that doesn’t cut your back?” Worst post sex discussion ever. Let’s look at this alternate ending now where Rick risks everything to get Ilsa safely out of Casablanca and away from the Nazis. Here we go.

[Cut to the alternate ending. Two men and one woman are walking.]

Rick: Here you go, Louis. These are the exit visas. And if you don’t mind, why don’t you fill in the names. That will make it seem more official.

Victor: Certainly, Rick, you think of everything, don’t you?

Rick: And the names are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laslo.

[Victor walks away]

[Cut to Ilsa]

Ilsa: But, why my name, Richard?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa. Rick holds Ilsa’s hands.]

Rick: Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa: I don’t understand, Richard. What about you?

Rick: I’m going to stay here with him until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa: Oh, no Richard, no! No, Richard! No, no, no! No, Richard! Last night you said we’d be together forever.

Rick: Last night, we said a great many things. And it all boils down to this. You’re getting on that plane where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, Richard, no, no! Please, not without you. No, no. I’d face any danger to be with you.

Rick: Listen to me.

Ilsa: No!

Rick: You know what waits for you if you stay here? 9 chances out of 10, you’ll wind up in a concentration camp.

Ilsa: Concentration camp? Urgh! Okay, so, is that the plane? Is it ready for me to get on it?

Rick: Last night you asked me to do the thinking for the both of us. And since then, I’ve done a lot of it. You’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, I know. Thank you. If you let me go, I’ll do it. I’ll get right on it.

Rick: Listen to me now, if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll live to regret it.

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: Wow, you give me a lot to think about when I’m on that plane. Regrets, concentration camp, it’s a lot. [Asking people around] Do you think it’s refueled yet? Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Victor]

Victor: Come again?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa]

Ilsa: I said is the plane full, you fool! Do you need help? Is there a hole or something that I can help with?

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. Look at me. Stop looking at the plane.

Ilsa: No, I know. I’m listening. I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me. Then next thing you know, I’m sitting in a CC. That’s short for concentration camp. Is that something anyone says?

Rick: Well, don’t think about that.

Ilsa: Well, you put it in my head and now all I can see is me behind bar while having to pick a child shoe.

Rick: Well, that’s not going to happen. You don’t have a child.

Ilsa: Oh, I know, Richard. But they might make me choose for somebody else. Nazis are weird like that.

Rick: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re stalling so you don’t have to get on that plane and leave me.

Ilsa: You tell yourself whatever you need to. I’ll wave at you through one of the little windows. It’ll be our thing. Okay.

[Ilsa tries to leave]

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Oh, Paris. Paris is the best. Such a cool place. Oh, look! The staircase just popped out of the plane and that’s where my little feet need to go.

Rick: I’ve got a job to do.

Ilsa: Yes, you do.

Rick: Where I’m going, you can’t follow.

Ilsa: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.

[Plane engine noise]

Oh, F words! F words! Do you hear that? That’s plane engine noises. Oh, I should go.

Rick: Ilsa.

Ilsa: What?

Rick: I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take too much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy love.

Ilsa: Oh, beans are crazy. Crazy beans.

Rick: Some day you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick! [takes a deep breath] Bye!

[Ilsa leaves]

Wishin’ Boot

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Blake Shelton

[Starts with Kate, Aidy and Blake in their set.]

[music playing]

Kate: Sometimes, stormed cloud seems dark. It feels like there’s no hope.

Aidy: But trust us. There’s something out there, watching over you.

Blake: All you gotta do is believe.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [singing] When I was 16 our farm burned down
daddy took the drinking all over town
I raised my brothers in old motel
went from living in heaven to starving in hell
and then one day I heard a knock at the door
opened it up and saw a boot on the floor

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
the little black boot that makes your dreams come true.
it was the wishin’ boot
I wished for the food
when you’re in need just believe
in the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: When I was young nobody taught me wrong from right
started stealing trucks by day and hooking by night
got nowhere fast in one horse town
shot the Johnny named riddler and they took me down
I was in jail facing 20 to life
till the warden said there’s a visitor who wants to say hi

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
it gave my bail and brought me a new suit
the boot could see
see the good in me
next day by dawn it was gone
it was the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: I was working in barn with my old dog Jake
when the wishin’ boot appeared and I thought, “This is a mistake”
I walked up to the boot say everything’s alright
then the boot pulled out a knife and threatened my life
this was not the wishin’ boot, it was a fake
and suddenly my good old dog began to change in shape

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the real wishin’ boot
the whole dang time that dog had been the boot
Oh, wishin’ boot,
beautiful and true
you’re so much more than a boot
your’e the wishin’ boot

Kate: A wishin’ boot is a boot and it’s there when you need it

Aidy: Don’t ask how it knows what it knows, just take what it gives you

Kate, Aidy and Blake: And never let it to
it’s a wishin’ boot
just believe it is true
it’s hope in the form of little old dirty boot
you’re the wishin’ boot
the boot is you
tell all your friends about the boot

Aidy: About the wishin’ boot.

Blake: About the wishin’ boot.

Kate: About the wishin’ boot.

We’re gonna make so much [bleep] money off this song.

[cheers and applause]

The Magician’s Heckler

Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a magic show. There are Magician, Kenan and Blake on the stage.]

Magician: No, sir. If you’ll kindly place your card back into the deck just like that. Don’t let me see. Give it a shuffle. And what I want you to do is tap the top card. Sir, is this your card? [Magician shows the card]

Kenan: Oh, my god! That is.

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is laughing but Blake]

Blake: Not real!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: And you, ma’am? Do you still have the card I gave you and have you put in your pocket.

[Aidy looks for a card in her pockets]

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Fake. It’s just a trick.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, it’s not in my pocket.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You messed up the trick. I told you it was fake.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Oh, I see. I see. No, it is not in your pocket because it’s now in his.

[Kenan puts his hand in his pocket.]

Kenan: Oh, my! It’s right here.

[Everybody clapping]

That’s amazing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Give a hand to my two volunteers, please. [Kenan and Aidy leave the stage] Now, um, for my next trick–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Sir, can I ask you a question.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Um, I’m kind of in the middle of the show. But sure, what is it?

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: How in the hell did you do that?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Well, a magician never reveals his secrets.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, come on, man! We’re both adults.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Alright, you’re right. I’ll tell you. It was magic.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Real magic?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: That’s right. Now for my next trick, I’m gonna need several–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Make me rich.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: I’m sorry, what?

[Blake walks to the stage]

Oh, um, sir.

Blake: Use your powers and make me rich.

Magician: I can’t do that sir.

Blake: You can’t or you won’t?

Magician: Ha-ha-ha. Sir, if you’ll just have a seat.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Alright, this next trick, I’m gonna need two volunteers. How about you two? Come on, step up here. Sir, please if you’ll just step to the side.

[Beck and Kate walk to the stage to volunteer]

Great! Wow! That is a beautiful watch, my friend.

Beck: Oh, thank you. It’s an anniversary gift.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake ]Okay, now, um, [Magician gets a hat] what I need you to do is go ahead and place the watch inside this hat please.

[Beck puts his watch inside the hat]

Blake: Give me the power to know what women are thinking.

Magician: What? Now, I’m gonna–

Blake: So I can know what to say to them to get their tops off.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Please, sir. Go ahead. Hold this hat for me.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, the funny thing about time ladies and gentlemen, is that it flies.

[Magician mimics as he caught something. The he shows that the watch Beck had put in the hat is now in his wrist.]

[Magician opens the watch and gives it back to Beck]

Blake: Oh, my god! Make me rich, man!

Magician: Oh, come on dude! Now, ma’am, what I want you to do is go ahead and pick a card. [Magician places a deck of card in front of Kate]

Kate: Okay.

Blake: I wanna be able to slam dunk.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah, now I want you to write your address on the back of the card. Do not let me see.

Blake: Give me indestructible bones. Wolverine claws.

Magician: Buddy! Go ahead, place the card back in the deck.

Blake: I wanna be a black guy just for one day.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, you can all see that I am shuffling the cards.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] And, sir, what I want you to do is choose a second card.

Blake: Gun for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, don’t show it to me.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Well, go ahead. Obviously, look at it yourself.

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: And now show everybody else. [Beck is showing the card to the audience except Magician]

Blake: I want chicken nuggets with ranch.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Dude, he’s not a waiter. He’s not gonna get you chicken nuggets.

[Cut to the stage]

Blake: Activate guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah! You know what, guys! Let’s talk about this. Sir, [cut to Magician and Blake] okay, I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: Alright, I’m not gonna make you rich, okay?

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: Look, sir, I’m just trying to put on a show, make a couple of bucks.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: How are you not getting this? Please, I’m betting you. This is just a show.

Blake: Sir, I’m sorry. You’re right. Please continue.

[Cut to the stage]

Magician: Thank you. Finall, ha-ha-ha. Now, sir, [talking to Beck] have you memorized your card?

Beck: Yes.

Magician: Go ahead and place that card inside the hat.

Blake: Give me the power to go down on myself.

Magician: Alright, you want that? Fine! You have it! You have the power to go down on yourself. Congratulations.

Blake: You will not regret this! Yes! Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Blake goes to the backstage behind the curtains]

Magician: Um, ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. This has never happened before.

[Blake is making noise behind the curtains]

Blake: Activate going down on myself!

[Blake comes back to the stage]

It didn’t work, man! I did get a little bit closer, but not all the way. Could you just use a little bit more magic? I do believe in magic.

Magician: Alright.
Blake: I do.

Magician: Okay.

Blake: I do believe.

Magician: Magic isn’t real.

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I knew it! He’s a fake! I told you guys. Man, you guys are idiots. Ha-ha. He’s a fake!

[Blake leaves the stage]

Magician: I’m just joking ladies and gentlemen. Magic obviously is [he has a card in his palm. He tries to make it disappear but everybody could see the card thrown back.] very real.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Power to go down on myself!

[cheers and applause]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.]

[Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium]

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing]

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out]

[Cut to the media looking shocked]

[Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set]

[cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Farm Hunk

Ryan Coles… Blake shelton

Alissa… Cecily Strong

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Farm Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunky farmer, 25 beautiful ladies. Who will he take home to Iowa to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Farm Hunk.

[Cut to Ryan Coles]

Ryan Coles: There’s so many beautiful girls here, but tonight I have to send three of them home. Probably the 2 black girls plus one with the curly hair one. So, tonight I’m gonna spend some one on one time with each of them to help make my decision.

[Cut to Ryan Coles and Alissa sitting on a bench at park.]

Alissa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too.

Alissa: Just us, you know?

Ryan Coles: I do know. So, Alyssa, tell me about yourself. I mean, who is Alyssa?

Alissa: Oh, okay. Well, I live in Hollywood. I’m a pediatric nurse. I’ve also done some light porn.

Ryan Coles: Hmm. I love kids. And I’m horny. So, if we get married, would you be willing to move to Iowa?

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: My town is really ugly and stinky and far away from things.

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: And there’s no one there of your age to be friends with. It’s only old men.

Alissa: As long as you’re there.

Ryan Coles: I won’t be, for long stretches of time.

Alissa: I’d love that.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Alissa: Um, okay.

[Alissa leaves and Venessa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Bye!

Venessa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Venessa: Well, I’m from Hollywood. I’m a second grade teacher… in my pornos. And in real life, I’m a third grade teacher.

Ryan Coles: In Iowa, you can’t teach. There’s no schools in my town.

Venessa: I’d love that.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Venessa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Kate: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So,

tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m from Hollywood. And I’m a veteran … of the porn industry. I’ve served my country for like 200 times. I have a gift for you because I heard that you like Italian food.

Ryan Coles: I do, it’s really good.

Kate: [laughs] It’s funny! So, I brought you some spaghetti. Here. [Kate has spaghetti all over her hand. She puts the spaghetti on Ryan Coles’s palms.]

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a second please?

Kate: Yeah, sure.

Sasheer: Thank you.

[Kate leaves and Sasheer sits with Ryan Coles.]

I know we haven’t had a chance to talk yet, but when I die, I wanna be buried next to you.

Ryan Coles: Well, if I pick you, you’d have to move to Iowa. Would you be cool with never seeing another black person again?

Sasheer: I’d love that.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a second?

Sasheer: Sure.

[Sasheer leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

Ashley: Hi. Gosh, I’m glad we’re finally getting some sexy alone time coz I’m ready to– [crying] I’m sorry. My dad is dead. He died 10 years ago and I really miss him. Like, I’m not good. I’m really, really bad.

[Alissa walks in]

Alissa: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

Ashley: Yeah!

[Ashley leaves and Alissa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Alissa: I just want to say that I’m really falling for you. And, I don’t like a lot of people. I don’t like Mexicans. I don’t like Chinese. But I like you.

Ryan Coles: I feel the same way.

Alissa: I guess we’re soulmates.

[Kate walks in with a parrot.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Alissa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

I heard you like animals. So, I brought you a alive macaw. It’s like me. Unpredictable in a bad way.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

I’m Saryan. I wrote you a rap.

[rapping] My name is Ashley and I’m only fun

my n–

[crying] I’m sorry. My brain is sick. You’re gonna have to give me medicine everyday. And it has to be in cheese or I spit it out. Please pick me.

[Kate walks in with welding machine.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Ashley leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Um, I heard that you like welding. So, I thought maybe we could weld some metal together.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

So, tell me about you. Like, what kind of farmer are you? Do you make grass? Or do you like, make beans? Or– [crying] I’m sorry. I was kidnapped when I was little. It happened on the same day. Just because she did baby beauty pageants and I did baby weight lifting, nobody cared!

Ryan Coles: Okay, listen to me. I love how real you’re being right now. And I think I– I know that I’ve talked to everyone and I’ve made my decision.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Leslie pulls and throws Ashley away] Can I talk to him for a second?

You did not talk to me. I’m not going home tonight. It’s week 2, that’s when I go. I get that. But listen, if you ever in New York, give me a call and I’ll shuck your corn all night long.

Ryan Coles: Can I get your cell number?

Leslie: Just google Leslie Jones, SNL. It will all come up.

[cheers and applause]

Celebrity Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Adam Levine… Taran Killam

Pharell Williams… Jay Pharoan

Christina Aguilera… Cecily Strong

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

Nicki Minaj… Sasheer Zamata

Harry Connick Jr. … Beck Bennett

Steven Tyler… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the game stage of Family Feud]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud Celebrity Edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? It’s the first suit made by Hennessy. Yeah, they used to make fine cognacs. But thought that they give clothing a try. Yeah, it’s got a little pocket for a little 5 ouncer.

Okay, today we got celebrities from [Cut to the judges of The Voice] The Voice, taking on the team from [Cut to the judges of American Idol] American Idol.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

And leader of The Voice team is metrosexual lumberjack Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now, Blake, America knows you as a coach on The Voice. You ever tried singing yourself?

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Yes, Steve. I’ve sold like, 7 million Amazon on the radio all the time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Not in my neighborhood. Okay, next to Blake from the band Mark Maroon-5 is sexy, smothering, soprano scare crow, Adam Levine.

[Cut to Adam Levine]

Adam Levine: Hey! How you doing, Steve? Hope you check out my new album and my proactive commercial.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I would check out both, but I already went through puberty. And we also got fashion icon, Pharell. You looking good, playa!

[Cut to Pharell Williams]

Pharell Williams: Well, thank you. I got this hat from Smokey the Bear. All of you can prevent force fire, huh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I like you. any man who starts his day dressing from his hat down is okay with me. Then we got pop diva, Christina Alelera.

[Cut to Christina Aguilera]

Christina Aguilera: Hello, Steve. It’s an honor for this proud Latino woman.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Latino? Girl you Latino the same way Tacobell is Mexican food. And here in the American Idol team with a voice from god and hair from Jennifer Aniston, is a country singer, Keith Urban.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Steve, it’s lovely to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute. You’re Australian? Country music is supposed to be about living in the middle of nowhere and drinking beer, and starting fights. Okay, yeah, that’s Australia. And over here with her body turned up to 11, it’s Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I’m here to have fun, but I came to win!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Um, excuse me. I think this brass doll is possessed. Over here, he is the number one album seller of all time in Starbucks, it’s Harry Connick Jr.

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Thanks, Steve. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I like your music. Makes me feel like I’m in a white barber shop. And finally, one of the world’s greatest lady rockers, Ms. Stevey Knix.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: Come on, man! I’m Steven Tyler! [shouts somethings]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Steven Tyler? I don’t know, player! You look like a dream catcher came to life. Either way, let’s get two players up here.

[Cut to everybody. Blake Shelton and Keith Urban are walking to the buzzers.]

Keith Urban and Blake, look at this. You look like him if he ate one of those Super Mario Brother mushrooms. Blagaga-blgaga-blagaga. Now, how long has American Idol been on?

Keith Urban: About 12 years.

Steve Harvey: And what about The Voice?

Blake Shelton: 4 years, but we’re on our 17th season.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, NBC does run hell lot of that show. I see y’all on TV more than that Mutant-X Boogerman. Hilarious.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Okay, top 5 answers on the board. We asked 100 people. Name something you never ask a woman.

[Blake Shelton presses the buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: What did I do, Maranda?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Trouble just follows you, don’t it? Show me, ‘What did I do wrong?’

[Cut to the show screen. There is ‘What did I do wrong’ in the answers.]

Wow! [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] Man, I can’t believe that’s up there.

Blake Shelton: Well, I say it a lot.

Steve Harvey: Keith Uban?

Keith Urban: Alright.

Steve Harvey: Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Well, something I say all the time is, “Who did your highlights?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Yeah! Yeah, I once got my mustache highlighted. [Cut to Steve Harvey] I looked like a black Captain Crunch.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Let’s see, ‘How did you get the lady hair?’

[Cut to the show board. There is ‘Do you dye your hair?’ in the answers.]

Close enough. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] American Idol, you got the point.

Keith Urban: Alright!

[Steve Harvey and Keith Urban walk to American Idol side.]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I get this all the time. I’m gonna say, “Is it real?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Don’t matter. Real or not, I’m smacking it. Show me, ‘Is it real?’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not on there.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Harry Connick Jr., what do you never ask a woman?

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Steve, there’s nothing that makes a lady hit the road faster that looking her in the eye and say, “Well, you know I’m not Michael Bublé, right?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: I hear you, player. I dated a woman for three years who thought that I was Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. Show me, ‘not who she thought I was.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.] Okay, last chance. Steven Tyler, something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: I’ll tell you what, baby. If you’re talking to a woman, never bring up age.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Her age?

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: No, my age. [screams]

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I see that. Show me, ‘too old to get figure.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ah, no!

[Steve Harvey walks to The Voice team]

Okay, The Voice team. You got a chance to steal.

[Cut to The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Who is prettier? You or me?

Pharell Williams: Wanna meet Robin Thicke?

Christina Aguilera: Why do you sound like Ooh-Ooh-Yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Blake, tell me something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Well, one question I see ladies get asked all the time and they really hate it is, ‘Are you Adam Levine?’

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, very good. You got me, Blake.

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Adam Levine]

Blake Shelton: Yeah, I did, pretty boy.

Adam Levine: Pretty? You really think I’m pretty?

Steve Harvey: What’s happening?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: Okay, here we go.

Adam Levine: Really?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Adam Levine: I think you’re very handsome.

[Blake Shelton and Adam Levine go below the table]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, wow! This is happening. That’s happening right now. This has been in the works for about three years. You know what? I’ma let these two work this out while I take a little bit of ‘me time’. [showing the bottle of Hennessy he had in his suit pocket.] Hennessy soup, y’all.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Mrs. Sartini

Colin Jost

Mrs. Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, 33% of homeowners don’t like their neighbors. Here with her tips on how to deal with difficult neighbors is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Mrs. Santini slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mrs. Santini: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. I like this chair. I will take this chair.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Santini: Okay, I won’t. [Mrs. Santini winks]

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, what would you say is your number one tip for dealing with annoying neighbors?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Okay, the best thing to do is to write a nice little note. Here is a sample of a very nice note. [Mrs. Santini takes a red paper out.] This one, I left for the family upstairs.

[Mrs. Santini reading the note] Dear elephant family in 6H. I am so sorry you is elephants. And every step you take ruin my life. Maybe floor of your apartment is a wack a mole machine and you go boom-boom-boom. Maybe you have a Jumanji in your apartment every night. Either way, this is very sad for you. So please, keep on breaking my ears and wreck my days and nights and my small business. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Mrs. Santini folds the paper and puts it away.]

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What is your small business?

Mrs. Santini: I make animal skeletons.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you make them? Out of what?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Animals.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

You know when Dunkin Donuts at the end of the day throws out all the leftovers. That office is the same.

Colin Jost: Okay, Mrs. Santini. Any other tips for dealing with neighbors?

Mrs. Santini: Yes, okay. [Cut to Mrs. Santini] My next door neighbors, they cook every night but they make big smell. It smells like when you earring hole is infected and wipe it and you go [smells the infection] . So, I write them a sweet note. [Mrs. Santini opens another paper] Dear Mario Batali of hot garbage. I am so sorry for all pots and pans are diapers and your favorite spice is a dookie. It’s so sad for you that every rat in the world come to die in your wall. So, don’t worry. Destroy my final days. It’s okay. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Frida, are these really your final days?

Mrs. Santini: For a Hulu+, yes. My free trial is.

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, everyone.

Mrs. Santini: 5H. 5H.