Tag: Kate McKinnon

Soap Opera Reunion

Nancy… Aidy Bryant

Winnie Mayhood… Kate McKinnon

Rodney Soddet… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Tucson… Sasheer Zamata

Maggie Margaret Bond… Venessa Bayer

Debbie Frost… Cecily Strong

Martin… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Nancy Che in her set]

Announcer: We now return to Nancy with your host Nancy Chase.

Nancy: Okay, guys. Yes, we are back. And for all you fans of the long running soap opera Fairwood Manor, this segment is for you. Because for the first time in almost 10 years, we have reunited the original cast. Exciting right. So, let’s bring them out. [cheers and applause] Please welcome Winnie Mayhood.

[Winnie Mayhood walks in]

Rodney Soddet

[Rodney Soddet walks in]

Elizabeth Tucson

[Elizabeth Tucson walks in]

And last but never the least, Maggie Margaret Bond.

[Maggie Margaret Bond walks in. Background sound changes to a funny sound when she walks in.]

Alright, it is so great to have you all here.

Rodney Soddet: Very lovely to be here.

Winnie Mayhood: Wonderful.

Elizabeth Tucson: Thank you so much.

Maggie Margaret Bond: You know, it is super. But guys, did anyone notice that my play on music sounded a little different?

Elizabeth Tucson: What do you mean?

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh, I just mean that everyone had beautiful sweeping music and mine just seemed a little more like a choice.

Rodney Soddet: Oh, here she goes again.

Winnie Mayhood: I didn’t notice.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Well, whatever. Maybe it was just me. It’s so wonderful to see everyone again.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Okay now, you guys, I have another surprise. Over the coarse of the show, her character Nicki successfully killed herself more than 15 times.

[Cut to the guests]

Elizabeth Tucson: What? Debbie’s here? Oh, my god!

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Please welcome, Debbie Frost.

[Debbie Frost walks in]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh my goodness, it’s Debbie. Debbie, I haven’t seen you in ages.

[Maggie Margaret Bond stands up and goes to hug Debbie Frost. The same funny sound starts playing.]

Okay, now, I know that that’s not in my head. My walking music is different than everyone else’s.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I guess. You know, I’m not hearing but let’s bring out sound director Martin. I bet he can help us here. Can we get Martin out here?

[Martin walks in]

Martin: Ay, everybody. It’s a great show so far.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Hi, Martin. Um, I’m just curious. Do you think that you could play the same pretty music for all of us? Because I’m starting to feel singled out. You know, in a bad way.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t speak English.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond getting confused.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: What?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Actually, I speak it. I just don’t understand it. Again, I’m sorry.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, um, that doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to Nancy and Martin]

Nancy: Well, it is true. Actually, Martin learned just enough English to be able to do his job.

Martin: Thank you for clearing that up for me. Yeah, it’s crazy though. Yes.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, alright, fine. Okay, here is my issue. Just watch what happens when they walk and then when I walk.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Maggie, drop it. Your music is fine.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Can you just walk around please?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, beautiful music.

[Cut to everybody. Rodney Soddet starts walking. The background music is beautiful.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Now, watch what happens when I walk.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, music I picked for her.

[Cut to everybody. Maggie Margaret Bond starts walking. Funny music starts playing.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: This is what I’m talking about. Do you see? [Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond] I’m starting to take this personally, okay? Like, the dumpy music means that I’m dumpy or something.

Martin: Hey! [Cut to Nancy and Martin] Hey! Listen, I don’t understand English. Can you please respect that? [Martin turns to Nancy] Why can’t she respect that?

Nancy: I wish I knew.

Martin: No! You and me both. I mean… Listen, excuse me guys. I have to get back to work, okay? [Martin speaking to the mic] Cue, Martin’s exit music.

[Party music is playing. Martin starts dancing in the middle of the stage and then leaves.]

Nancy: Alright, thanks Martin. Amazing job as always.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, I’m sorry Nancy, but I’ve basically had enough.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Oh, Maggie! So did we.

Elizabeth Tucson: Don’t be like that.

Maggie Margaret Bond: No! I don’t feel supported here. And I’m leaving.

[Cut to the stage. Maggie Margaret Bond stands and walks few steps and the funny music is playing. As she stopped walking, the music also stopped. With every step she takes, a funny sound plays.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Argh!

[Maggie Margaret Bond storms out of the stage with the funny sound.]

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I seriously don’t know what she’s talking about. That music sounds fine to me. We will be right back!

Martin Luther King Jr. Learns About the Country’s Equal Rights Progress

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Michael… Pete Davidson

Martin Luther King… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a mother checking on to her son.]

Mother: Michael, are you still up? It’s nearly midnight.

[Michael is using his laptop.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael, you haven’t finished your paper yet?

Michael: I’m sorry mom, I just don’t know what to write about Martin Luther King.

Mother: Well, focus up pal. It’s due tomorrow.

[Michael closes his laptop]

Michael: Man! I just need a little help.

Male voice: Michael! Michael!

[Michael looking around to see who is calling him.]

[Martin Luther King appears in front of him]

Michael: Wow, Martin Luther King?

Martin Luther King: Yeah!

Michael: I must be dreaming.

Martin Luther King: Hey, nothing wrong with dreaming. I heard you needed some help.

Michael: Yeah, I’m supposed to write a paper about your legacy but I don’t know what to say.

Martin Luther King: Oh, well, what do you know about me so far?

[Martin Luther King takes a seat beside Michael]

Michael: Well, you’re black, you’re a great leader and today you own a bunch of boulevards.

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh! Like in nice neighborhoods with gardens?

Michael: No. Kind of like where the Wu Tang Clan is from.

Martin Luther King: Okay. I guess we’re still climbing that mountain.

Michael: Oh, and on Monday, there’s this national holiday called Martin Luther King day.

Martin Luther King: Oh, wonderful. Is that a day when black and white Americans come together and reflect on the progress we’ve made?

Michael: Not really. It’s more like a day where my mom calls up work and says, “Do I have to come in today?” And they’re like, “Well, the offices are open but you don’t have to come in.” And my mom’s like, “Great! I won’t come in then.”

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh. Still climbing.

Michael: But the country made a lot of progress. We got a black president now.

Martin Luther King: Really?

Michael: Yeah. His name is Barack Obama.

Martin Luther King: It’s a Barck O what now?

Michael: Barack Obama.

Martin Luther King: I don’t know him. Sounds like a Kenyan Muslim.

Michael: No. He’s from Hawaii but he’s black. Well, half black. Like, his mother was white and his father was black.

Martin Luther King: Oh, so his parents are in jail?

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. People are fine with that now. I mean, you had a huge influence in this country.

Martin Luther King: Really?

Michael: Yeah. There’s a big movie that came out this week about you. It’s called Selma. And it looks great, like historical.

Martin Luther King: Well, I’d pay 50 cents to see that. I guess that will be nominated for a lot of Oscars, right?

Michael: Well…

Martin Luther King: Oh, that mountain is getting really high.

Michael: No, come on, man. Come on. What you did in Selma and stuff is still going on today. There were big protest about police violence just this year. Like, thousands of people.

Martin Luther King: Well, that’s good. And who led these protests? Who speaks for diversity today?

Michael: I don’t know. Maybe Michael Moore.

Martin Luther King: Michael Moore? Is he another black Hawaiian?

Michael: Oh, no. No. He’s from Seattle and he’s like the whitest dude on earth. The whitest.

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh. Mountain! And these protests. Did you join them? Like, are you part of the movement?

Michael: Oh, yeah, I definitely protested. It’s really easy now. You just take your phone here, right? Push this twitter button. Alright? Then type in #IAmFurguson or #We’reAllBlack or #Blessed. And then you’re done.

Martin Luther King: That’s how you protest?

Michael: Yeah!

Martin Luther King: Oh my god! That mountain is miles away.

Michael: No. Come on, Dr. King. You made a lot of progress. I’m a white kid, probably, in America and all my heroes are black. I mean they’re mostly rappers and NBA players but they’re still my heroes.

Martin Luther King: Well, that is progress I guess.

Michael: And look at it this way. You’ve got your own holiday and three white presidents share one.

Martin Luther King: Well, I do like that. But I’m afraid I haven’t helped you with your report.

Michael: Ah! Don’t worry. I’m just gonna go on Wikipedia and cut and paste the whole thing.

Martin Luther King: Ah! Very nice. And…

Michael and Martin Luther King: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Calvin Klein Ad part 3

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Model… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a model walking her baby on a stroller.]

[Justin Bieber is in the stroller and he opens the hood.]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl. You miss me? I just had a nappy, yo!

[Justin Bieber is running in his underwear]

[Justin Bieber tries to opens model’s pants too]

Model: No!

Justin Bieber: Believer baby!

My Kevin.

Male voice: Calvin.

Justin Bieber: Kevin.

Male voice: Calvins.

Justin Bieber: My Calvins.

[drums rolling]

[Ends with outro that says “#mycalvins Calvin Klein Jeans.”]

Calvin Klein Ad part 1

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Justin Bieber playing drums and 2 is posing as a model.]

[Cut to video bumper for “Justin Bieber for Calvin Klein”]

Justin Bieber: I’m a big boy now

[Justin Bieber starts playing the drums again]

[Justin Bieber and 2 are posing with Calvin Klein on]

Justin Bieber: This tattoo made me say, “Ou-wii”.

[Justin Bieber is trying to touch 2’s breasts but 2 keeps moving his hands away.]

Justin Bieber: I’m not supposed to drink but I do.

Justin Bieber: Yo! My peepee’s in there. My Calvins.

[ends with outro that says ‘#mycalvins’ and ‘Calvin Klein Jeans’.]

[cheers and applause]

Calvin Klein Ad part 1

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Model… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a model in her set not knowing what to do.]

[Justin Bieber wearing his undergarments silently walks to her and scares her.]

[drums rolling]

[Justin Bieber is flexing his Calvin Klein underwear, his muscles and his tattoos.]

Justin Bieber: Are my muscles cute?

[the model shakes her head no]

[Justin Bieber plays basketball with the model but she doesn’t want to play]

[Justin Bieber is riding a scooter]

Justin Bieber: Yo! All this underwear is making me tired.

My Calvins, close from my big wiener.

[Ends with outro that says “#mycalvins Calvin Klein Jeans”]

[Cut to Justin Bieber dribbling the ball, and then touching the models thighs.]

Whiskers R We with Amy Adams

Barbara Dudoo… Kate McKinnon

Ashley… Amy Adams

[Starts with Barbara and Ashley speaking for an ad.]

Barbara: Cat.

Ashley: A Cat is a treasure you hold with your heart.

Barbara: A Cat is a glass of champagne, but it’s a Cat.

Ashley: Cats have paws, claws and zero flaws.

Barbara: So come on down for a holiday cat giveaway, here at “Whiskers R’ We.” Hi, I’m Barbara Dudoo.

Ashley: And I’m Ashley, Barbara’s new girlfriend.

Barbara: Shh, cats don’t have to know our business.

Ashley: Many of these rescued cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: Lets meet some of our most eligible Cat-chlors, shall we?

[Barbara pulls up a kitten]

This is Harisa. She is a British short haired. So, she used the looter box.

[Barbara and Ashley laugh]

Cat puns are fun.

Ashley: You’re fun.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Moving right along. For those of you sex and the city fans [Barbara gets a big cat] we call her Samantha because she has a wicked sense of humor and she’s 55 years old.

Ashley: She’s going through mano-paws. P-A-W-S.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

Barbara: We call this cat, Cat-Steven. Because he has a beautiful voice and because he recently converted into hardcore Islam.

[Ashley caresses Barbara’s cleavage.]

Ashley: Oops, you got a little hair right there.

Barbara: Oh, stop. Don’t fuss with that. I’m wearing falsies for the commercial. Come on.

[Barbara carries another kitten]

This is Toby. Toby is a textbook narcissist. He’s incredibly manipulative and deceitful but I guess I’m the dummy for giving him power of attorney.

Ashley: Toby goes for long walks at night and he won’t tell us where he has been.

Barbara: Last night, he came home wearing a wrist band from an Adam Lambert concert.

[Barbara brings in another big cat]

Whoops! Bobo is out of this world. By which I mean he is maybe definitely an alien. We found him in a glowing pit in the ground. If you’re watching this on his planet, please come and get him. We’re running out of methane and that’s all he likes to breathe.

[Ashley starts touching Barbara’s breasts]

Ashley: He’s still fun to pet though.

Barbara: Ashley! I think you know where the cat ends and my boobs begin. Thank you very much. Oh, my goodness. [Barbara carries another kitten] This is Don.

Ashley: This cat thinks he’s people and I’m not sure he’s wrong.

Barbara: It’s something in the eyes. And in the way he looks at me in the eyes and says, “Help me, Barbara. My name is Donald Berk. I am not a cat, I am a man. I am a man!”

So come on down to our holiday cat giveaway weekend. With cat prices starting as low as we give you $twenty.

Ashley: Why won’t you say you love them?

Barbara: I wrote it down. What to you want? Come on down!

[Cut to Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We holiday cat giveaway. See you there.

[cheers and applause]

Singing Sisters

Bartender… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Helen… Cecily Strong

Ileen… Kate McKinnon

Throbecca… Amy adams

[Starts with “A Magical Christmas” video bumper.]

[Cut to a bar. There is one bartenders and two customers at the bar booth.]

Bartender: Another round for you gentlemen?

Kyle: You know it. I gotta forget about a dang.

Bobby: Yeah, and I gotta forget about this haircut.

[Cut to three ladies walking in]

Helen: Well, it looks like your luck is picking up.

[Kyle turns around]

Kyle: Va-va-va-hoo!

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Hi, fellas! I am Helen.

Ileen: I am Ileen.

Throbecca: And I am Throbecca.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: That’s an interesting name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Helen? Thanks, I chose it myself.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Um, okay.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: So, are you bellas gonna fuy us a drink?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Don’t you mean, “Are you fellas gonna buy us a drink?”

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Buy you a drink? Nice try mister. What do we look like?

Helen: Yeah, mister. What do we look like? Do we look the way we’re supposed to?

Ileen: Yeah, we wanna know how we look to you.\

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You look like three dangs that could use a drink. What could we get ya?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: I’ll tell ya. You pick them and make us guess what they are.

Throbecca: If we guess, we have to find the nastiest piece of garbage and chew on it.

Helen: But we don’t have to swallow it, just chew. Okay? Promise?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’ll buy you drinks but you don’t have to chew on garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Well, we will if we get it wrong. That’s the deal.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want you to do that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Throbecca: Yeah, right. You say that now, then cut to me guessing my drink wrong and then… I’m chewing on a trash.

Helen: But remember, we’re not swallowing it. Just chewing.

Ileen: Sometimes there’s dead mice in there.

Helen: Say, where are the trash cans in here for when the time comes?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We’re not going to let you eat garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: Ha-ha. You’re funny. Now, excuse us. We’ve got a song to sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Throbecca: Be right back.

[the ladies go to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Wow, what is with these dangs?

Kyle: That’s just how women flirt these days.

[music playing]

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Dundy Sisters.

Ileen: Here we go.

Ladies: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

Helen: We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: Is that the whole show?

Kyle: They’re already done?

[Cut to everybody. The ladies walk to Kyle and Bobby]

Throbecca: Well, what do you think of that?

Helen: Did you know it was us up there?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: What did we look like?

Throbecca: We were moving, right?

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: You looked great and here are your drinks.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle and Bobby are passing the ladies their drinks.]

Helen: Oh! Thank you. Time to guess. And don’t worry, I remember our deal. If I guess wrong, I get to yum yum garbage.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: You get to?

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: These are your rules, mister.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Bobby: We didn’t make up any rules.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ileen: And please distribute the garbage equally amongst us.

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: We don’t want to give you any garbage.

[Cut to the ladies]

Helen: Yeah, right! And don’t go anywhere. We have to do our next song.

[The ladies put their glasses on the bar booth and walk to the stage.]

[Cut to Kyle and Bobby]

Kyle: Are they really gonna chew on garbage?

Bobby: I don’t know. I think these girls are on something.

Kyle: She left her purse. Check it out.

Bobby: Alright.

[Bobby takes her purse and looks through it.]

Oh, yuck! It’s just filled with garbage in here.

Kyle: Oh, it stinks. What kind of dangs are these?

[Cut to the ladies on a sledge on stage.]

[music playing]

Ladies: [singing] It’s almost Christmas
the tings are really tinging
and bums are really bumming
for Christmas
where were you when Santa fell
ting ting ting

[the ladies ccme off the stage]

Ileen: Hey, where are you going?

Kyle: We’re out of here.

Bobby: Yeah, you dangs are a bunch of cuckoo birds.

[Kyle and Bobby leave]

Throbecca: Oh, look at that. Those bums took off.

[The ladies sit on the bar booth.]

Helen: This was not how this was supposed to go. What about our Christmas wish?

[midnight bell donging]

Bartender: Well, ladies, you hear that clock? I’m afraid you know the rules. Your Christmas wish is over. It’s time for you three to turn back into raccoons.

Throbecca: But we only got half our wish.

Ileen: We wanted to be singers and kiss on a man.

Bartender: Ha-ha. Well, maybe next year. Merry Christmas you raccoons.

[Bartender throws a spell on the ladies and they turn into raccoons.]

[the raccoons singing]

Raccoons: [singing]  boom-bong-bing
bing-bong-bong
tinga-linga-ling on Christmas song
ting and a dong and a ling in a dang
and a ding dong dang dang lang lang lang
just one ding and a ting and a ling
blueberry boom boom Santa Claus
as he hoops down the fire tube
as he hoops down the fire tube

[cheers and applause]

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio]

[Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.]

[Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?

 

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops]

[Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!

Amy Adams monologue with Kristen Wiig

Amy Adams

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Adams.

[Amy Adams walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so wonderful to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Christmas is the best time in New York. It is the best. And it has been so great having my four year old daughter here with me, and seeing it all through her eyes. And, if you have kids, you just have to go down to Time Square and meet Christmas Elmo. and if you’re lucky, he’s gonna take his head off and ask you for a cigarette.

But, no, honestly, this is my favorite time of year and just with all of the crazy stuff going on in the world lately, I just– I think we could use a little holiday cheer.

[piano playing]

So,

[singing] Haul out the holly;
Put up the tree before my spirit falls again.
Fill up the stocking,
I may be rushing things, but deck the halls again now.

[Kate McKinnon and Bobbly Moynihan join Amy Adams]

Amy Adams, Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan: For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,

[Kate McKinnon and Bobby Moynihan leaves. Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata come in]

Amy Adams, Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata:Candles in the window,
Carols at the spinet.
Yes, we need a little Christmas

[Taran Killam and Sasheer Zamata leave. Kenan Thompson comes in and throws snow over Amy Adams and himself.]

Amy Adams: Aw, thanks you guys.

[four men dressed like reindeers bring in Kristen Wiig carrying her horizontally in a line.]

Oh, my god! Kristen Wiig.

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Okay, guys, I need you to set me down gently like we talked about. I need a lot of support on my back side. Yes, more support. More. Okay.

Amy, you guys are kidding, right? I mean that’s all the holiday cheer you guys have? Kenan throwing a handful of fake snow at the camera?

Kenan Thompson: Hey, I like how I did it.

[Kenan Thompson throws the snow again]

Amy Adams: Kristen. I am so, so happy to see you, but isn’t this the second time you crashed my monologue?

Kristen Wiig: I’m not crashing. I have just showed up uninvited. Oh, Amy, okay, your song was really great but we need to get a little more energy. You know, these people are Christmased out! You gotta give them some flash, you know. Some sizzle. You gotta give them like, [giving a pose] pow! And then you gotta give them like, [giving two more poses] pow, pow. Now, you try.

Amy Adams: [giving poses] Pow, pow.

Kristen Wiig: That’s pretty good! There you go. Um, can someone please give me my glitter microphone?

[Someone passes her the mic.]

Thank you Mariah Carey.

Amy Adams: That was Mariah Carey?

Kristen Wiig: Yes, but I really don’t wanna make this about her. This is about us.

Amy Adams: Well, I thought that this was about Christmas.

[drums rolling]

Kristen Wiig: [singing] Coz we need a lot of Christmas
right this very minute
the candles are on the randles
and sushi’s in a barrel
penguin in the oven

[Amy Adams stops Kristen Wiig]

Amy Adams: Those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the words are. That’s my point. It’s how you feel. It’s how you make people feel. Now, get in the Christmas spirit and dance with my Christmas song.

[four men dressed like reindeers come in and start dancing. Kristen Wiig leaves and Amy Adams starts dancing with the reindeers.]

[the reindeers carry Amy Adams on their shoulders.]

Amy Adams: Oh, wow! Oh, this is pretty good. [dancing] Oh, this is really good.

[the reindeers leave and Kristen Wiig walks in. Kristen Wiig has a hat that looks like top of Christmas tree.]

Kristen Wiig: Guys, we need a little music
need a little laughter

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: Need a little singing
riding through the rafter

[Kristen Wigg is trying to do legs split.]

Kristen Wiig: We need Christmas
We need Christmas

Amy Adams: Okay, stop! Stop! Just stop! Kristen Stop.

[Kristen Wiig is in pain]

Just stop. I really appreciate what you’re doing and that you’re trying to help me, but Christmas isn’t about all of this flashy stuff. It’s about family and friends and being together.

[piano playing]

[singing] We need a little Christmas

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, I want all the stuff.

Amy Adams: Right this very minute.

[Amy Adams removes Kristen Wiig’s Christmas tree hat.]

Kristen Wiig: No, not my hat.

Amy Adams: Candles in the window

Kristen Wiig: My shakers.

Amy Adams: Carols at the spinet.

[Amy Adams points at Kristen Wiig’s breasts and asks to give the cutlets to her.]

Come on!

Kristen Wiig: Argh!

[Kristen Wiig hands them over to Amy Adams]

Amy Adams: Oh, thee are hot! These are hot!

Kristen Wiig: Yeah, those are hot. But, you know what? You’re right.

Amy Adams and Kristen Wiig: We need a little Christmas
right this very minute

[drums rolling]

It hasn’t snowed a single flurry,
But Santa, dear, we’re in a hurry;

Amy Adams: Come on!

[Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, Taran Killam, Sasheer Zamata and Kenan Thompson join them]

Everybody: So climb down the chimney;
Put up the brightest string of lights I’ve ever seen.

[Dancers with Christmas outfit walk in and dance]
Slice up the fruitcake;
It’s time we hung some tinsel on that evergreen bough.
For we need a little Christmas
Right this very minute,
Need a little Christmas now

[confetti drop]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Adams: Thank you. We’ve got a great show. One Direction is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[music playing]

[cheers and applause]