Tag: Kenan Thompson

Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Black History Presentation

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Ego Nwodim

Chris Redd

Kyle Moony

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Kenan and Leslie on SNL stage presenting]

Kenan Thompson: Since this is the first show during black history month, we wanted to take a moment to talk about some of the great African-American entertainers who have contributed to the legacy of “Saturday Night Live.”

Leslie Jones: From Garrett Morris to Eddie Murphy to Ellen Cleghorn and so many more. Representing black culture has always been a part of Saturday Nighe Live’s DNA.

[Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd join Kenan and Leslie]

Ego Nwodim: Whether is was Billy Preston’s musical performance in the first episode.

Chris Redd: Or Richard Pryor’s unforgettable job hosting in season one.

[Kyle Mooney joins everybody. Everybody is shocked he’s on the stage.]

Kyle Mooney: Saturday Night Live made it clear that good comedy is color blind.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, Kyle?

Kyle Mooney: Hey guys, I just wanted to lend my support.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle.

Leslie Jones: Thanks buddy.

Kenan Thompson: So, from all of us–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] I’m not saying that because it’s the month. I really meant it.

Leslie Jones: We know you do.

Kyle Mooney: If it was up to me this would be much earlier in the show. It sickens me that they buried it like this.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. We gotcha, bro. Thank you. So, to sum it up–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] Real quick, did you know African-American contributions to entertainment didn’t start with ‘Saturday Night Live’?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, we know.

Kyle Mooney: Actors like Sydney Poitier and Harry Belafonte changed the way people thought of movie stars. ‘To Sir, With Love’ was one of the best movies of the 60s. I haven’t seen that one TCM lately. Huh, I wonder why.

Kenan Thompson: Buddy, buddy, no, no!

[Kyle Mooney moves in front of everyone]

Kyle Mooney: You see, America was surprised to see a black leading man, but we always knew what we were capable of.

Leslie Jones: Did you say me? He said we?

Kyle Mooney: Chicago, 1922. Louis Armstrong joins Kind Oliver’s Creole jazz band and American toes haven’t stopped tapping since.

Chris Redd: Oh, he crazy.

[Beck Bennett joins everybody]

Beck Bennett: Oh Carl, what are you doing man?

Ego Nwodim: Thank you Beck. Please get your man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, of course Kyle, hearing you talk, you think all African-American trial blazers were male. Hattie McDaniel took home the Oscar for  for ‘Gone With the Wind’ In 1940. Any plans to mention that?

Kyle Mooney: Maybe after I mentioned Ella Gordon who started the first African-American school for dance in 1919.

Beck Bennett: Wow, overlook Katherine Dunham much?

Kyle Mooney: Lena Horne.

Beck Bennett: Nina Simone.

Kyle Mooney: Beverly Johnson.

Chris Redd: Okay, who’s Beverly Johnson?

Leslie Jones: Really? You’re going to help them.

Kenan Thompson: Guys, it really means the world to use that you googled all of those names.

Beck Bennett: And memorized them.

Leslie Jones: But it sounds like you learned all that stuff just to impress your black friends?

Beck Bennett: Oh my god, did you hear that?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, we have black friends. [Beck and Kyle leave with excitement]

Leslie Jones: Idiots.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle and second dummy.

Leslie Jones: Yes, thank you.

Kenan Thompson: But seriously, it’s an honor to stand on this day. Thanks to all the people who stood here before us. So happy black history month to everybody.

Leslie Jones: It’s going to be better tomorrow.

Kenan Thompson: Indeed.

Maurice | Season 44 Episode 8

Son… Chris Redd

Margaret… Leslie Jones

Maurice… Kenan Thompson

Daughter… Ego Nwodim

Christine… Halsey

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]

Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.

Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.

Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.

[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]

Daughter: A freelance mailman?

Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.

Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.

Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.

Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]

Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?

Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.

Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.

Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.

Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?

Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.

Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice. Kyle Mooney walks to Maurice.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.

Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.

Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Where do you even do this?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.

Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.

Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?

Maurice: The red one.

Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.

Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?

[Cut to Son]

Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: I could be on Ellen.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.

[Cut to Christine checking her phone]

Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.

Maurice: Oh my god.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?

Maurice: Red-velvet.

Riverdale | Season 44 Episode 12

Rick… Kenan Thompson

Betty… Halsey

Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor

Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson

Jug-head… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

[Starts with film shooting scene]

Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.

Betty: Got it.

Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.

Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.

Rick: And action!

[Betty and Jug-head start acting]

Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Betty: I love you.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.

Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor  on the gurney, are you all right?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yes, sure.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?

Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down]

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]

Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.

Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

[Corpse starts to shiver hard]

Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.

Rick: Stop it!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.

Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.

Rick: Why?

Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.

Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.

[Rick walks in]

Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]

Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.

Rick: No.

Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?

Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.

Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Fine. I give up.  Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!

[Clapperboard person joins]

Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]

Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.

Corpse: Avenge me!

Them Trumps: State of the Union | Season 44 Episode 12

Assistant… Halsey

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Levanka… Ego Nwodim

Darius Jr… Chris Redd

Malika… Leslie Jones

Police Officer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with assistant walking looking at a file at the parking lot]

Assistant: Sir, your approval numbers have never been lower. But this state of the union might be our best chance of turning things around. Now, the big question is can you persuade people who never liked you in the first place?

Darius Trump: I wouldn’t worry about any of that. [Cut to Darius at the dark. His face cannot be seen.] All I need is a mic and an audience and I’m good to go. They all love [Darius walks a step ahead. He is black Donald Trump.] Darius Trump.

[Cut to the intro of ‘Them Trump’]

Narrator: From the producers of Empire. It’s Them Trumps. The first show to ask the question, “What if Donald Trump was black?” Darius Trump. His wife, Malika. Darius Jr. and Lévanka. Together, they are Them Trumps.

[Cut to a running limousine]

Darius Jr.: Dad. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine] You think the state of the union speech is going to set the hater’s straight?

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant inside the limousine]

Darius Trump: Of course it is son. Now, come on, let’s get to the capitol so I can do what I do.

[Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine]

Levanka: But dad. What about about the new allegations? The taxpayer funded golf vacations with Puff Daddy, all the lawsuits that come out of Trump Perm Academy?

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: And they still asked about Russia dad.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Shh! Don’t nobody need to know about Russia. What happened between me and Russia is between me and Russia. That don’t concern them.

Malika: Well, [Cut to Malika] you better watch yourself. They’re saying Mueller is closing in and your house of cards is crashing down.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Why you trying to play me, huh? I know how to deal with Mueller. I keep the white boys on a leash. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka smiling] This is America. And even though I’m black–

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Assistant: Okay, we are getting pulled over.

Darius Trump: Oh, I knew that was coming.

[The video stops and plays credit list]

[Cut to outro of ‘Them Trumps’]

Narrator: On the next Them Trumps—

[Cut to Police Officer talking to Darius Trump from window of the limosine]

Police Officer: License please, sir.

Darius Trump: Man, I’m not even driving.

Police Officer: I’m not asking again. License, now.

[Darius Trump hands his license to the police officer]

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: Be cool, dad.

Malika: We don’t [Cut to Malika] need you getting locked up.

[Cut to Darius Trump]

Darius Trump: Ain’t nobody getting locked up. This is ridiculous. I’m the American President and he’s going to have to recognize the fact that even though I’m a black man—

Police Officer: Sir, step out of the car.

Darius Trump: Yes, here we go. [Darius opens the door and steps out of the limousine] Somebody record it for Worldstar.

[Video stops and plays credit list]

Meet The Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 12

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Eugene Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Peggy Noonal… Cecily Strong

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Matt Whitaker… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his news set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, and welcome to Meet the Press. I’m Chuck Todd and I’m still figuring out my whole look. As always, I’m joined by the leading journalists in the world. Pulitzer prize winning columnist for The Washington Post. Eugene Robinson.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Best selling author and colonist for the “Wall Street Journal,” Peggy Noonan.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: Hi Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And political strategist, author and former chair of the DNC, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Great to be here.

Chuck Todd: All right. Let’s start with what [Cut to everybody] everyone’s talking about and a new low for journalism, the ‘National Enquirer’ [Cut to Chuck Todd] was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. You are all highly respected journalists. So when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?

[Cut to Donna Brazile, she looks confused]

Donna Brazile: Excuse me?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I know, normally high minded journalists would not talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States. So, Jeff Bezos’ penis. [Cut to Peggy Noonan] What do you think it’s going to look like?

Peggy Noonan: I’m going to jump right in, Chuck. Now, when I hear billionaire’s penis, I immediately think small potatoes. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Small potatoes?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, your thoughts?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Well as a journalist, this is not something I thought I would have to cover. But as a human being, I’m naturally curious. Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a dot?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: My money is on Echo. Now, there are obviously major implications for the story beyond Jeff Bezos’s penis. It brings us back to blackmail and invasion of privacy and potentially even crimes committed by foreign agents. My question is, what do you think the coloration is like?

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Oh, my god, Chuck?

Peggy Noonan: I will take this one. I think it’s going to be [Cut to Peggy Noonan] splotchy, Chuck. A man his age, plus he’s a runner and it’s probably jangled around a lot down there over time. That’s going to lead to patchy sections.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: No, no. I completely disagree, Peggy. He’s a man of means, so I’m sure there are oils and precious minerals that can smooth and replenish that.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: What is happening right now.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, what do you think this says about our country in general?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s a disgraceful. It’s awful. I mean this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And what about when the pictures do come out?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes and send them to all my friends.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Now, obviously the mainstream media has a responsible to handle the story in a mature, adult manner. As you can see, from the New York post headline, [Chuck takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’ out] ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’. Eugene, what do you think of that?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s insane. You call yourself a respectable publication? I would have gone with your [Eugene takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Amazon package is on its way’ out] ‘Amazon package is on its way’. That’s you just me.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: That’s interesting see. I would have done [Peggy takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’ out] ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Did you guys make your own fake headlines?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: All right, let’s pivot away from penises for a moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Awe!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And focus on the state of the union. The president used the speech to champion his tax cuts and policy of deregulation. Here to explain further is the secretary of commerce, billionaire Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: Hello. I’m sorry. Before we started the producer put something in my ear and I have been hearing ghosts.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Wilbur, that’s just an earpiece so you can hear what we are seeing.

Wilbur Ross: But it sounded like you kept saying penis.

Chuck Todd: Yes, we were talking about the Jeff Bezos story.

Wilbur Ross: I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m not one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood.

Chuck Todd: Okay great. So, Mr. Ross, you are familiar with this story then?

Wilbur Ross: Yes, of course. I know what a dick pic is. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] When you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and say, “Let’s switch”, and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis. But choose carefully because if it’s too big, you will fall over.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Okay, my thanks to Mr. Ross. [Cut to Chuck Todd] Of course yesterday congressional testimony from acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker turned extremely contentious. Here with his side of the story is Matt Whitaker.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: Yeah, what?

Chuck Todd: Mr. Whitaker?

Matt Whitaker: Hurry up, Chuck. I don’t got a lot of time.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right]

Chuck Todd: Very true. You are almost done with your tenure in the Justice Department.

Matt Whitaker: Yes, that’s right. I was U.S. Attorney General for three months and soon I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer show.

Chuck Todd: Sir, the Justice Department investigates the claims that Jeff Bezos has made against the enquirer and the president.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: I don’t have a lot of Sympathy for Jeff Bezos. Every time I post a photo of myself it gets flagged as a dick pic.

Chuck Todd: Just to be clear, president Trump [Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right] ever directed you interfere in the Mueller investigation?

Matt Whitaker: Well, you know what, chuck? [Cut to Matt Whitaker] I’m going to say something I left out of my testimony. This is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump called me and whispered to me –

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I’m sorry to interrupt, but the Bezos pics have actually come out at this very moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Oh, Christmas in February!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Let’s stay on this topic for the entire show and live from New York, it’s a Saturday Night.

Valentine’s Song | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Carleen… Heidi Gardner

[Music video starts with Halsey, Aidy and Kate dancing in a fancy room]

Kate McKinnon: February 14th.

Aidy Bryant: The hottest Thursday of the year.

Halsey: It’s a whole day about sex, romance and sexy romance.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: Happy Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Beck Bennett sitting on sofa, having romance]

Aidy Bryant: ♪ It’s 8 PM on Valentine’s day

My man got m flowers, got me lingerie

The door bell rings and I’m like what more

He shrugs at me and I run to get the door [Aidy Bryant goes to get the door]

It’s a card that says you’re my significant other

Oh no, no, to my beautiful daughter

Made me a card for mom, okay, wow,

Cause damn, damn, damn that’s not where I’m at right now

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you it’s a day for romance

I don’t want to think of you when getting in the pants

We’re about to pounce, money’s on the bed

And I’m grinding with him but now you’re in my head

And I’m bumpin’, I’m bangin’, I’m boning’

I’m about to bust through

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down and now she’s face timing you

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Halsey at her desk]

Halsey: I’m at my desk and I’m sexting my boo

Telling him the freaky deaky stuff we’re gonna do

He sends a pic of his full winnie

I hear a knock and it’s my female boss Carleen [Cut to Carleen with a teddy bear]

This is bad, I’m holding in my chair [Carleen gives the ear to Halsey]

Gotta shift gears because she’s handing me a big pink bear

And we’re not close, Carleen do less

A quick side hug then home and make a mess

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you you’re a very loose acquaintance

I don’t wanna think of you when you’re down there doin’ some maintenance

Give us crap gifts, well that’s your call

But tell me when did this day become a free-for-all

Your card says I love you and again Carleen you are my boss.

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down Carleen you handle the checks

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon handling things with her son]

Kate McKinnon: I don’t want to think of the card that my son bought me

Keep in mind when you hear this daddy can’t really read

It says baby I can’t wait for tonight

another sexy formation but it’s just not right.

And what do you think will happen tonight? We eat cake mama.

Halsey: Cake mama.

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t want to think of you. I just wanna curl my toes

When my dentist gives me a single rose

Sexy day meant for me and my lover

Why did I get this lotion from my brother

Aidy Bryant: I don’t do that Michael.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: The cards and the candies ‘cause I love you too

I love you but I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson delivering his message in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Valentine’s day is for lovers. They don’ want to hear from you. That’s what birthdays are for.

Air Traffic Control | Season 44 Episode 11

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner in cockpit]

Mikey Day: Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t fly this plane.

Heidi Gardner: I’ll go see if the pilot is conscious. [Heidi leaves the cockpit]

Mikey Day: Okay. Try to get someone on the radio. Hello, hello. May day. May day.

Kate McKinnon:  Hello.

Mikey Day: Yes, hello.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon in air traffic control room]

Kate McKinnon: Yes, this is Glasgow Air Traffic Control. Are you in distress?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Yes. I’m not a pilot. I am part of Klie Jenner’s brand integration team. We’re on a private jet going to London for Kylie event. We hit bad turbulence and our pilot got knocked unconscious. But Kylie’s not on board. Thank god.

[Cut to Kate Mckinnon]

Kate McKinnon:I don’t know who that is, but it shounds like you’re going to have to land that plane. I’ll put you in very good hands. This man is the best, he’ll get you down. Just do exactly as he says.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. I’m ready.

[Cut to James McAvoy in air traffic control room]

James McAvoy: All right. [James McAvoy speaks with heavy accent that it’s hard to understand] I know you’re coming off walley up there. I’m going to have to skating faster than –- okay?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I’m going to get you down, but here’s what I need you to do first. Okay. Deep breath.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I just want you to take a deep breath. In, out, in, out.

[Cut to Mikey Day. Heidi Gardner is in the cockpit again.]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: What did he say?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

Mikey Day: Deep breath. Right? And you need to stay calm?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: What are they saying?

Mikey Day: He says I need a stakub?

Heidi Gardner: Okay, maybe there’s one in the cabin.[Heidi leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Listen to me very carefully. On the wee panel of switches in front of you, there’s a —size of a — What do you call it? [Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon] American cookie?

Kate McKinnon: Oreo cookie.

James McAvoy: Oreo? No, Keebler. All right. There’s a thing of a size of an Oreo cookie. I thought it was a Keebler. What’s to do that —

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Say again?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: The brown — that looks like an Oreo cookie? Where’s it coming ?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I got broom doo-da.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: No, the color. Brown.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Oh, brown.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: What’s the brown dooda coming in at?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m so sorry your accent is very thick. Is it possible to not have it? Over? [Heidi Gardner and Kenan Thompson enter the cockpit] Theyr’e speaking Scottish. And it’s very hard .

[Kenan sits on co-pilot’s seat]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let me handle this. I spent some time in Scotland so my ears are favorable to Scottish accent. This is Kylie’s branding director, let’s do this.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Good. Two is better than one. Tell me if you can –– goggles.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Nope. [Kenan stands and tries to leave]

Mikey Day: I need you. [Mikey doesn’t let Kenan go]

Kenan Thompson: Fine. Please tell me what I need to do.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

James McAvoy: You try.

Kate McKinnon: All right. Can you look out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Did I eat at Wendy’s? Never.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: All right, fine, I had Wendy’s last week. But don’t tell Kylie.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Let’s sit back man! We’re only going to get crack at this once. There’s a wee Jack on the dash. Can wee talk.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: No. [Kenan leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Oh, no. Oh, no. In the name of the wee man. Radar’s got you leaving Scottish Airspace. The connection is going crunchier than a bag of smashed chips.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay. We’re going to have to patch you over to Welsh Air Traffic Control. God speed to you guys.

[Cut to Mikey Day] [Heidi joins Mikey]

Heidi Gardner: What’s happening?

Mikey Day: I don’t know. I think we’re on our own.

Beck Bennett: Hello? Go for Wales Air Traffic Control.

Mikey Day: Maybe not. Good to hear your voice, Wales.

[Cut to Beck Bennett at his air traffic control room[

Beck Bennett: [Speaking foreign language]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: Just aim for water.

[Ends with video clip of flying airplane]

Charmin | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a clip of Plaza Mall]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant showing a commercial to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, and that was Charmin Toilet Paper [Cut to AidyBryant] Super Bowl commercial. Hut, hut, wipe. Now, my question for this focus group is, would the commercial you just saw make you want to go with Charmin?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[Kyle Mooney raises his hand]

Kyle Mooney: I just got to say, that commercial was incredible. I’m blown away.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, [Cut to Aidy Bryant] well we’re happy to hear that.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: So like, how’d you get them to do that?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Who?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Well, the bears, of course. Are they like actors or a real family?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, the bears aren’t real. They’re animated.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Ah, animated. Cause they’re animals. Makes sense to me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Anyone else have any thoughts?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[James McAvoy raises his hand]

James McAvoy: Yeah. I thought that the commercial was actually pretty good, [Cut to James McAvoy] but what about something like this? Bear wakes up after a night of raging, right? And bathroom is completely destroyed. Like Chernobyl. And bear’s like, if that’s on the walls, then what’s the deal with my ass? He checks it. It’s totally clean. Charmin’s done its job. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, wow! Very… Just very. Okay, but we aren’t looking for new commercial pitches, just your thoughts on the commercial you just saw. So yes, you sir?

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Well bravo, but perhaps one of the bears is an educated type. Leather bound book, such and so forth. Ladies panties steamed for him?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, we will think about that. Yes. You ma’am?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, couldn’t help but notice the bears were a family of whites?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, the bears aren’t white? They have no race. They’re bears.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: I know they’re white because I’m white. And it is my greatest shame. So chew on this. If I had it my way, I would have been born a wise old Asian man.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Well, how about checking this? Girl bear and boy bear are on date. And things are getting flirty under the table. And girl bear says, meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. She walks in there but the bean burrito that she just had starts destroying her, butt-wise. Alright. And then five minutes later, boy bear walks in, starts rocking her world like he’s got no idea that his lady just deuced it, because the booty is clean. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. She is speechless.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, not in 1 million years.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: I feel like that’s kind of naughty, and also how do you even get the bears to do that, I was thinking?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. The TV screen has a picture of a Charmin bear.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is an image from the commercial, so why don’t you tell me one word comes to mind? Just one word?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Privilege. White. Generational wealth. Cape cod.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Again, one word. Just one word.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay that’s actually very good.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy deuce. Came out clean like an angel. She doesn’t even need to wipe, but she still does as a victory lap, Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Well, I don’t know, honey, it’s yous guy’s bear.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Um, perhaps one of the bears is a captain in the new world, [Cut to Kenan Thompson] and he meets a young native woman, and he teachers her the gentle tongue, and in return she does the forbidden dance of her people. Ooh la, la, la. Ooh la, la, la.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Okay, no. My turn. Alright, bear sits down on a public toilet, right. And the automatic flush goes off while he’s still got his ass on the seat. Alright? So bear gets sucked down into the underworld. Full of pee pee and poo poo creatures. Hideouts things, right? And he has to fight his way back up into the surface world, because it’s his wedding right? And bear finally makes it out, runs to the alter, sees his wife, but check this, she’s one of them, a doo doo creature. Sick body though. They kiss. Charmin.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

[Everyone claps]

Kenan Thompson: Incredible man. Great job, dude.

James McAvoy: Thank you.

Kyle Mooney: That should be the commercial.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m going to go ahead, and cut this thing short because it’s been bad and very unhelpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: When do we get our free Charmins, because I needed it like yesterday.

[Ends with a clip of Plaza Mall]

I Love My Dog | Season 44 Episode 11

Mark… James McAvoy

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mark, Chris Redd, Pete Davidson, Kenan Thompson warming up for rap music]

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah

Love that girl, she stay loyal in these streets
coz soon as I pull up to the crib she getting keyed up

Pete Davidson: She my main girl I get home she get at me

hop up on my lap like welcome home, daddy

Chris Redd: I love her.  I don’t even got to fake it

and when she’s at home she loves being naked

Pete Davidson: She’s my best friend, She shows love and respect

That’s why she walk around with my name on her neck

All: I love my bitch, my bitch is my dog [Chris, Pete and Kenan standing with their dogs]

good dog, good dog, only dog that’s all.

Bow wow, my dog, good dog I talk to my dog

Bow wow, she cute she bald,

big dog, little dog, fat dog, skinny dog, roof.

Chris Redd: My cranium and feed my Pomeranian

she doodoo on my carpet I say No that is not where duty goes.

Woof Woo,f that’s the classic sound of my Pitt with my basset hound

If my dog was a dog, then I re-up with a mini Pekinese In tea cup

Pete Davidson:  I’m allergic to these bitches I touch ‘em and start itchin’

if I see it then I pet it get the drugs up out the kitchen

Woof Woff, Zyrtec and a Benadryl and a Claritin ‘cause it’s getting real

I like my dogs hype, hype, hypoallergenic

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: We love dogs out here! You think this is a [Bleep] game?

You say something about my dog, I will literally murder you in your face!

Chris Redd: Woah, woah. Hey, Mark, man. You the DJ. Chill, bro. Chill, the hell is wrong with Mark?

All: My dog she comes when I call

Bow wow, My dog, silly dog, new dog, old dog, black dog, gold dog

[Cut to Kenan riding ATV with his dog]

Kenan Thompson: My dog’s name is Bryce, she my little pookie pookie

she love a little hat [The dog is wearing a little hat] but she really love a cooking

Got her own Instagram @pookiespike3

Bow wow, some say I rescue her but she really rescued me

Aw, look at her little face. You is a little boo boo in the hat. You do got a little hat on, don’t you?

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: Respect this dog! Or I’ma shoot you dead! I got shooters in the streets.

Chris Redd: Yo, Mark, man, enough with the death threats, man. Chill, bro.

Pete Davidson: Something ‘bout dogs, Mark.

Kenan Thompson: I don’t like Mark.

Chris Redd: Mark crazy, bro.

Lady rapper: You boys done? I got something to say.

Puggin and thuggin yeah, that’s cool

but the kissing disgusting

Kenan Thompson: I’m kissing pookie right now.

Lady rapper: Yeah, but I’m wishin’ you wasn’t

matter fact, I’ma keep it 100

[Lady rapper carrying a rabbit]

dogs are okay, but I love me some bunnies

hop hop bunny, bunny, bunny hop hop

There’s a bunny on money hop hop

frankly I don’t give shh-TZU,

bunnies are better than dogs it’s true, it’s true

Kenan Thompson: Now you talkin’ crazy.

Mark: My dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny!

All: Dog, dog, dog, dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny hop bunny.

All: She closed it, she fall.

My best friend my dog

Lady rapper: Bunny, hop.