Ted Cruz Rally: Season 44 Episode 2

Hype Woman…..Awkwafina

Hype Man…..Kenan Thompson

Ted Cruz…..Beck Bennett

[People cheering. Cut to people standing in a line and cheering.]

Voiceover: There’s something happening in Texas. [Cut to an article that says “Beto O’Rourke Rally Draws Record Numbers in Texas.]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] How ya’ll feeling today?

Kenan Thompson: How ya’ll feeling?

Voiceover: [Cut to internet article and crowd] The most closely watched race in America.

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] I said how ya’ll feeling today?

Kenan Thompson: Dallas!

Voiceover: [Cut to internet article] It is electric.

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina on a stage] Ya’ll like [inaudible 00:00:17] ? [Cut to crowd excited] Ya’ll like [Cut to Awkwafina on a stage. Cut to Kenan Thompson on a stage] [inaudible 00:00:20] ? [Cut to crowd excited. Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] Ya’ll like Ted Cruz?

Kenan Thompson: We are about to find out.

Sound Effect: TED CRUZ!

[Cut to Ted Cruz coming to the stage waving to the audience. Ted Cruz stands close to mic. Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson standing behind Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hi, I’m Ted Cruz. [Cut to audience covering their ears as they hear sound distortion. Cut to Ted Cruz speaking and Awkwafinad and Kenan Thompson standing behind him] Look when God whispered to me that I should run for Senate, he didn’t tell me it was going to be a popularity contest. [Cut to Ted Cruz speaking] But we are going to throw the coolest rally in town. [Cut to crowd clapping] Stop. Humor time. What do you call a Democrat in Texas? [Ted Cruz drops the mic, and he talks in the damaged mic] We call the Democrats in Texas…. [Cut to crowd watch at shock as the speaker explodes]

Awkwafina: You know, maybe Ted Cruz can’t sound cool [Cut to Awkwafina, Ted Cruz and Kenan Thompson on the stage] but I bet we can make him look cool.

Kenan Thompson: Who want to see Ted Cruz dunk a basketball? [Cut to Ted Cruz, Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson passing basketball. Ted Cruz tried to dribble the ball on the stage, but it doesn’t bounce. Cut to the bored crowd.]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina speaking with Ted Cruz and Kenan Thompson on the stage] We need to hit the emergency party button.

Kenan Thompson: Oh! [Cut to Ted Cruz going and pressing the party button. Cut to embarrassing wet confetti stuck together falls on the ground. Cut to Kenan Thompson moves towards the party button and presses it. The button then works. Ted Cruz is disappointed.]

Ted Cruz: Okay. [Ted Cruz jumps and tried to dab hard, but he hits his own nose.] Ouch. [Cut to Ted Cruz holding his nose]

Kenan Thompson: Ted’s nose is bleeding up here so [Cut to Ted Cruz, Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on the stage] why don’t we just wrap this up?

Awkwafina: Give it up one more time [Cut to Ted Cruz holding his nose and waving his hand] for Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: [The Ted Cruz backdrop falls]Your future senator.

Sound effect: Ted Cruz!

Brett Kavanaugh Post-Game Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 2

Don Lemon…..Kenan Thompson

Dana Bash….. Heidi Gardner

Senator Mitch McConnell…..Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham…..Kate McKinnon

Susan Collins…..Cecily Strong

Jeff Flake…..Pete Davidson

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Senator Chuck Schumer…..Alex Moffatt

[News starting. Cut to Don Lemon as a news reporter.]

Don Lemon: Good evening. I am Don Lemon. We’ve all just witnessed history as Judge Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate to become a justice of the Supreme Court. There have been protests in Washington and several cry breaks here at CNN. It’s a somber day for many Americans. We now go live to Dana Bash who is with Senate Republicans.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash as a news reporter with Senate Republicans.] Don, I’m here in the GOP locker room where the mood is nothing short of euphoric.

John Kennedy: Whoo! We’re going to Kavanaugh this tonight. Let’s Ralph till we Moo!

Dana Bash: Thank you, Senator Kennedy.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Quite the display Dana.

Dana Bash: That’s right Don. There are a lot of pacemakers being put to the test tonight. [Cut to Dana] And I see Mitch McConnell here. Mitch, how are you feeling?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, oh, that was awesome! Whoo!

Dana Bash: Do you feel like this is a win you can be proud of?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, hell yeah Dana! Republicans read the mood of the country, and we could tell the people really wanted Kavanaugh. Everyone’s pumped from white men over 60 to white men over 70. We did it. We got the PJ and Squee.

Dana Bash: Put this victory in context.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it’s up there with Vietnam for sure. I mean this is historic.

John Kennedy: Uh, winning!

Dana Bash: And um, Lindsey- Lindsey Graham. Do you have a moment?

Lindsey Graham: All righ- Woo! How amazing is this, huh? We- we made a lot of women real worried today but I’m not getting pregnant, so I don’t care. Um, here. Take a- take a Kavanaugh world champion hat.

Dana Bash: Um, yeah, no! I’m not wearing that. Um, oh Lindsey, walk us through the final confirmation.

Lindsey Graham: Well, oh man! Well for a while we thought it was going to be tied and we were going to have to go with our closer mock pants. He was going to jog in to Metallica’s Enter the Sadman and start throwing votes at 100mph. But thank the male lord that was not necessary. Helped a lot. The democrat Joe Manchin scored in his own goal. That was dope. And well, we couldn’t have done it without Susan Collins. Susan, get over here.

Susan Collins: Do I attack again?

Lindsey Graham: No girl, no! No! But seriously, this was all Susan.

Susan Collins: Oh, please. The last thing I wanted was to make this about me. That’s why I told everyone to tune in at 3 PM so I could tell all my female supporters, “Psyche!”

Dana Bash: And you don’t think that Brett Kavanaugh did anything wrong?

Susan Collins: Listen, I think it’s important to believe women until it’s time to stop. But I also believe that you know, I’m a guy’s gal, okay? I can party with the big dogs and “Whoo!” You know? We’re going to have fun tonight.

John Kennedy: Whoo! That’s our girl. Our one girl.

Susan Collins: Yeah. Also now we’re going to party like it’s 2021, Susan Rice takes my seat.

Dana Bash: And Senator Jeff Flake was also reportedly on the fence until yesterday. Senator Flake?

Jeff Flake: Oh hey, yeah! Obviously, I was really sad about the whole process as you could tell from my resting bitch face. And I really considered all the testimony because this was such a–

Lindsey Graham: Got you! Oops!

Jeff Flake: You stinker!

Mitch McConnell: We all know who .you are. Flake the snake! You were never voting, no.

Jeff Flake: Okay. You got me. I stink.

Lindsey Graham: Seriously, this one is about the fans. They’ve been there for us all week cheering and screaming outside of our offices.

Dana Bash: I’m sorry. You think those were fans?

Lindsey Graham: Oh yeah, for sure. And I know that they agree with us because they’re shouting out me too.

Dana Bash: Okay. And I see that the Arizona prosecutor they hired is here as well.

Rachel Mitchell: Yeah. I sure am. I sure am. What’s up women? I hope I did you proud. I think I helped.

Dana Bash: And what’s next for you Rachel?

Rachel Mitchell: Oh well, I’m flying South West Airlines back to Arizona like a freaking champ.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Dana, I hate to interrupt you.

Dana Bash: No, please do. I need a break from this.

Don Lemon: Okay, well then let’s throw it over to Kate Bennett [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Kate Bennett at right.] who’s with the losing team Chuck Schumer.

Kate Bennett: Senator Schumer, [Cut to Kate Bennett interviewing Chuck Schumer.] what went wrong?

Chuck Schumer: Well, my doctor thinks it might be Sciatica.

Kate Bennett: No, I mean with the Kavanaugh vote?

Chuck Schumer: Oh, right. Yes, well the Dems lost in other one. Yes. This is what we do now. Um, look, we thought this time would be better than Anita hill hearing because Dr. Ford was white.  Um, but then it turned out Brett Kavanaugh was white too and you know, we were completely blind-sighted by that.

Kate Bennett: Understood. And I see Senator Joe Manson, the one Democrat yes vote is heading this way right now.

Chuck Schumer: Hey Joe, listen, no hard feelings.

Joe Manson: Nut job. Oh!

Kate Bennett: Dana, back to you.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash and Senate Republicans celebrating behind her.] Okay. Very cool chill energy here. Several of the senators also appear to be wearing goggles.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. These are for the Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.

Lindsey Graham: To celebrate Brett Kavanaugh, the naughty life of judges. All right, now listen everyone, let’s keep this corny male energy going to the mid-term.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!