Tag: Kenan Thompson

New Orleans Vacation | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Phil…Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dierdre… Heidi Gardner

Raynolds… James McAvoy

Beck Bennett

Waitress… Ego Nwodim

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]

Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.

Phil: Should we just call it a night?

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.

Dierdre: Hey.

[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]

Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.

John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.

[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]

Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.

Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.

Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. N’orleans, no.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum

Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Aidy: He just said he was from there.

Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.

Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.

[Cut to everyone]

John: Can we get the check?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.

Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Is that true Phil?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.

[Cut to everyone]

Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?

Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?

Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.

Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: Up? Straight up?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.

Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.

Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: A trash bag?

Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?

Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I lived there.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: Jumbo?

Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.

Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.

[Cut to everyone.]

Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave]

[A waitress walks]

Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?

Waitress: No.

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer]

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]

Rachel Brosnahan’s New Year’s Monologue | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with intro of SNL monologue]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Brosnahan.

[Rachel walks in the door to the stage]

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Thank you, thank you very much. You guys, I am so excited to be here. You may know me as “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on the TV show called “West World”. But if you haven’t seen “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”, it’s available on Amazon. Customers who like this bought a meat thermometer and D batteries. You guys, being here is insane. I am so thrilled to be hosting the first “Saturday Night Live” of the new year. [Cheers and applause] We can all agree that last year was not easy, but I for one am looking forward to having fun in 2019.

[Cecily Strong joins Rachel on the stage]

Cecily Strong: Yeah, this year is going to be great. I can feel it.

Rachel Brosnahan: Thanks Cecily. Happy new year.

Cecily Strong: Hey, Rachel. Same to you. Did you make a New Year’s resolution?

Rachel Brosnahan: Actually mine was to host SNL. I’m doing pretty well. What was your’s?

Cecily Strong: To find the killer [Cut to Cecily acting serious] and this year, I will.

[Cut to Cecily and Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re having fun this year.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun in 2019
let’s have fun
out here living the dream
Let’s have fun only smiles no frowns
Let’s have fun 2018 is shut down.♪

Rachel Brosnahan: Shut down.

Cecily Strong: Oh, the government shutdown.

Rachel Brosnahan: And thousands of government employees are not being paid.

Cecily Strong: Neither are we.

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Yes. Lauren told me I wasn’t getting paid this week.

Rachel Brosnahan: Maybe you should call your agent.

Cecily Strong: My who?

[Kenan Thompson joins Rachel and Cecily on the stage]

Kenan Thompson: What’s up? Happy new year! What we doing?

Rachel Brosnahan: What does it look like? We are having fun!

Cecily Strong: Yeah. So much fun.

Kenan Thompson:  Okay. Because I heard a lot of concerned whispering.

Cecily Strong: Nope, not from us.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun a brand new year
let’s have fun it’s a party in here♪
♪Let’s have fun and tonight we’re going to play
we’ll have fun like the ain’t no school today.

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, the teacher’s strike.

Rachel Brosnahan:  Yeah, what is going on with that?

Kenan Thompson: You know what? Teachers don’t get paid enough. Class sizes are too big.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is anything functioning? I mean, you guys,

Cecily Strong:  Brexit. Oh, yeah. Is Europe like over?

Kenan Thompson: You know, I never got to go. And now it’s like closed, I guess.

[Kyle Moony joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Kyle Mooney: What up squad? What are you guys talking about?

Rachel Brosnahan: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Rachel.

Rachel Brosnahan: Can you go back out, and bring out someone who can sing?

Kyle Mooney: Sure, [Kyle tries singing the line] Even though I actually can sing. Hey Aidy.

[Kyle leaves the stage]

[Aidy joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, what’s up my dude? I hear you’re having some fun.

Rachel Brosnahan: Yeah, you know it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun I’m giving out free hugs.
Let’s have fun and dancing to my new drug

Cecily Strong: Oh my, speaking of new drugs, have you heard of Krokodil?

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, Krokodil. That’s the Russian prison drug.

Kenan Thompson: Do not google it.

Cecily Strong: Oh, I just did it.

Rachel Brosnahan: I want to see. No! What is that?

Kenan Thompson: You melt.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is that bone?

Cecily Strong: Yeah. that’s bone.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, we got to move. The breaks on the Krokodil. We have to stop focusing on this bad stuff. It’s making us crazy.

Rachel Brosnahan: You’re right, the world is full of great things. We have to remember that.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Babies with glasses and free ice cream
cancelling plans and when dogs have dreams

Cecily Strong: And Krokodil

Aidy Bryant: No.

Cecily Strong: Just to try it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun

Rachel Brosnahan: This is going to be a great new year and a great show. Guys, Greata Van Fleet is here. Stick around cause we will be right back.

Earthquake News Report | Season 44 Episode 10

Carol Kumdungeon… Kate McKinnon

Randall Fields… Mikey Day

Donald McRonald… Kenan Thompson

Mark Peanus… Kyle Mooney

Dr. Shayna Steele… Rachel Brosnahan

Firefighter… Pete Davidson

Nurse… Aidy Bryant

Julia N… Heidi Gardner

Dr. Donna Diddadog… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9, News at five intro]

Narrator: Action 9, news at five, Nor Cal’s number one choice for news.

[Cut to Carol in her news set]

Carol Kumdungeon: Good afternoon. Our top story, a 4.3 magnitude earthquake rattled Downtown Sacramento this morning, causing some structural damage. Our own Randall Fields is in Capital Plaza. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, besides the ground, what’s shaking over there?

Randall Fields: Well, lots, Carol. And given the severity of the situation, I found that earthquake pun in very poor taste. [Cut to Randall] I’m here at the social security administration building where a proportion of the second floor caved in, trapping several people who are in the legal change of name office below. I’m told the building was especially busy as due to the partial government shutdown, office hours have been limited. Joining me are two gentlemen [Donald and Mark join Randall] who were inside the building, waiting to change their names when the earthquake struck. Please, tell us who you are and what you remember.

Donald McRonald: Yeah, my name is Donald McRonald. And I’m trying to change my last name to Johnson, finally stop all the dumbass childish jokes, when everything just started shaking.

Mark Peanus: Yeah, I don’t even know how I got out. But I’m feeling—very lucky right now.

Randall Fields: And your name sir?

Mark Peanus: Mark Peanus.

Randall Fields: Oh my goodness.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, Im’ sorry. [Cut to Carol] I’m going to have to cut Mr. Peanus here, as we have an update from search and rescue officials at the scene.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a nurse and a firefighter]

Dr. Shayna Steele: I’m Dr. Shayna Steele, triage coordinator for family members. Worried about relatives who were in the change of name office. Here is a list of rescued individuals taken to St. Joseph’s memorial hospital. Lisa Simpson, Bill Kosbie, Mario Pardi, Ty Neadik, Morgan Mindy.

Firefighter: Nanu Nanu. Sorry.

Dr. Shayna Steele: The following people are at Sacramento general. Siblings Gary, Larry and Mary Potter. Tadd Kobell, Ivan Jerganov.

Nurse: You have? That was gross. And I am sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Dr. Shayna Steele: Pete Ophelia and Keith– um… how would you say that?

Firefighter: Ka’weaf. Keith Ka’weaf.

Dr. Shayna Steele: I should mention that we did not know Mr. Ka’weaf was inside so when he came out it was delightful surprise. We will update you as we learn more. Thank you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Okay. Thank you. Let’s check back in with Randall Fields. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, with this earthquake. Any idea who’s at fault?

Randall Fields: Again Carol. I find your earthquake jokes very inappropriate. [Cut to Randall] I am standing here with a civilian [Beck Bennett joins Randall] who helped get lots of folks out safely. Some are even calling him a hero. Mr. Alan Hitler.

Alan Hitler: Oh, please don’t say hero, and please don’t say my last name. Just use an initial.

Randall Fields: Well, [The name tag in the news sayd “A. Hitler, hailed as a hero”] based on your actions today, the only thing you share with the other Hitler is the last name.

Alan Hitler: And unfortunately, some DNA. He’s my great uncle. But everyone’s got that embarrassing relative, right?

Randall Fields: Kind of.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, [Cut to Carol] I am sorry. I hate to interrupt Mr. Hitler who we admire so much, but Dr. Steel has some new information.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a young boy]

Dr. Shayna Steele: Moments ago a search team rescued this young boy who came to the change of name office by himself and didn’t tell his parents because he thought they would be mad. Mom, dad, rest easy. Holden Tudiks is safe. And mind I add, he is a great kid. Holdin Tuiks has got us all laughing down here. [Firefighter walks behind them laughing and clapping]

[Cut to Randall and two women victims]

Randall Fields: What a relief for those parents as I am sure they love Holden Tudiks more than anything else in the world. I’m here with two more folks able to get out, thanks to Mr. Hitler. This is Julia and I am not going to say her last name as it sounds very close to the N word.

Julia N: Yes. I should just say that well, it is spelled the same way, it’s actually pronounced like cigar.

Dr. Donna Diddadog: Right, but then it would sound like he’s saying the N word with a British accent.

Randall Fields: I do agree. Sound advice from–

Carol Kumdungeon0: Dr. Donna Diddadog.

Randall Fields: Alright. More with Julia N and Dr. Donna Diddadog, after the break. Carol, back to you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Thank you Randall. Coming up, more on the Situation Downtown where the mayor is scheduled to speak. Stay with us, for Action 9 news, I’m Carol Kumdungeon.

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Ken Instagram | Season 44 Episode 10

Travis… Kenan Thompson

Deirdre… Cecily Strong

Michael… Pete Davidson

Victoria… Rachel Brosnahan

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a video clip of office building of Mattel]

Deirdre: Good morning, little Barbie interns. [Cut to intern meeting. The interns are sitting and Deirdre and Travis are briefing] Everyone have their morning iced whatevers and their doughy breakfast bready things?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That’s enough, Deirdre. Let’s get into it. There is a lot of work to be done. With the popularity of Barbie’s Instagram page, Barbie fans can connect with the brand more than ever before. But one question lingers. Deirdre?

Deirdre: Who is Ken? [Ken appears in the screen between Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Ken is style. Ken is the ideal boyfriend. Ken is Anglo. Ken is Wall Street. Ken is surf. Ken is sex, but only implied.

Deirdre: So today, we are launching the Instagram page for—

[Cut to interns, Michael, Victoria and Heidi]

Heidi and Victoria: Barbie.

Michael: Deirdre

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: For Ken, damn it.

Deirdre: Breathe Travis. What we need is for you to help us come up with the captions for his Instagram. [Cut to Deirdre and screen with Ken’s picture] So, here’s the first pick. [Cut to Ken’s picture. It looks like he’s looking at a black phone] What do you think Ken would say here?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: How about, ‘This wallet is black’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Oh, it’s not a wallet, it’s a cell phone.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Then why is he staring at it like it’s a wallet?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: He’s taking a selfie. He’s being young and cool.

Deirdre: Michael, what’s your caption for this?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: How about ‘Ken’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Ken? You think Ken would caption his picture? Just ‘Ken’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Right. How about’ Ken’s wallet’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: It’s not a wallet.

Deirdre: Travis just told you he’s taking a selfie.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Well, you can’t do that with a wallet.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Deirdre, help me weather my fury.

Deirdre: It’s okay. Moving on. What’s your caption? [Cut to Victoria] What would Ken say here?

Victoria: Every time I see a picture of myself, I wonder, who am I even for? A I an accessory for Barbie? No more important than her big plastic brush? You know,  I could destroy her with six little words. “I know what’s under the Jacuzzi.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Girl, now you listen to me. Ken has no intention of revealing barbie’s secrets for a profit. Ken is for money.

[Cut to Victoria]

Victoria: Ken is not doing it for the money.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Let’s try another picture.

[Cut to picture of Ken bringing Barbie a piece of cake. Barbie is sitting with her puppy.]

Heidi: Okay. New picture. New wallet. [Cut to Heidi] Me, that lady, and baby raccoon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That lady is Barbie and she would never own a pet raccoon. That is her Yorkie and Barbie is his whole world.

Deirdre: Yes, captions for Ken. Remember? All right, Michael?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: I got it. How about, ‘Ken is there’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Why would Ken say ‘Ken is there’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Because he is. He wants people to know where they could find him.

[Cut to Travis]

Deirdre: Victoria?

Victoria: Somehow there is never [Cut to Victoria] a chair for me. The dog gets to sit and have a macaroon, but not Ken. Should I tell her I know what’s under the Jacuzzi? No, not yet. Save it for the big party right in the middle of her speech.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Listen to me, girl. There is nothing buried under Barbie’s Jacuzzi. I will tell you what’s going on in this picture. Ken bought a macaroon and she reached for her purse and Ken said “No, no, no, no. This is a date.” Then they gave each other a sweet dry kiss period!

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Easy Travis, let’s give this one more good try before we release you permanently. I’ll give you an example. [Cut to picture of Ken, Barbie and another girl] “Oh! Another great party at Barbie’s.”

[Cut to the interns]

Heidi: Oh okay. I got it. ‘I think it’s right behind me. I should tell the raccoon.’

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: I swear to god. If I were a cartoon right now my face would inflate till it popped like a balloon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Michael, please give us a good caption.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: We should invite Ken to the party.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Ken is right there.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Then who is taking the picture.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: I’m sorry. So you think he’s not at the party, but he is taking the picture?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yeah, he’s like that.

[Cut to the interns]

Victoria: Well, the party was last night. I interrupted her speech [Cut to Victoria] and said everyone follow me to the Jacuzzi. They gathered around and when they saw what was there, they were silent. Then they raised their glasses and cheered for Barbie. Later that night she turned to me in bed and asked, Ken whose name is written in pink all over these plastic walls? Is it Ken? I simply whispered, [Whispering] “No. It’s Barbie.” Then she said, “You are lucky I don’t put you outside with the raccoons.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Okay. Well, let’s schedule another meeting for Never-tober.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: I’m sorry, which day in Never-tober? I might have a thing.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: The 36th. We’ll see you there.

Tabitha | Season 44 Episode 8

Tabitha… Leslie Jones

Craig… Kenan Thompson

Lauren Hobbs… Rachel Brosnahan

Mary Butler… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Mikey Day

Steven… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tabitha show intro]

Narrator: It’s Tabitha.

[Cut to Tabitha in her set]

Tabitha: Welcome back. I have a big announcement. My book, [Tabitha takes her book out] “The Obedient Husband” just made the “New York Times” bestseller list. [Cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. This book has helped so many couples. I couldn’t have done it without my wonderful husband, Craig. Thank you baby.

[Cut to Craig sitting between the audience, quiet and smiling]

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig is a great husband, but like all of us, he is not perfect. Before I was on TV, I was a life coach and a dog trainer. And one thing we emphasized in both dogs and husbands was communication. Let your spouse know when he’s doing something that you don’t like. Like the other day, I was annoyed after coming back from the grocery store. Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. There’s a bag wrapper on the floor] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Okay, I just got home and I see a bag of rolls on the floor. [Craig is sitting on a sofa. He’s quiet and guilty] Craig? Craig? Did you eat all the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Craig shakes his head gesturing no. He doesn’t speak a word.] Craig? Craig, I just bought these, Craig. [Craig looks away] Did you eat them? Craig! Craig! Craig, did you eat the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Tabitha takes the wrapper near Craig’s face] Craig. Look at me, Craig!

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig knew that was bad, right, Craig? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] See, this is all outlining chapter 5, The Power of Shame. Craig, remember when you had that football party? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. Their house is a mess after a party] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Oh, my god, look at this! What a mess! Who did this? [Craig is standing at the corner facing the wall] Craig! Craig, did you do this? Oh, my god. Craig. Craig. Craig. Did you have a party? [Craig shakes his head no] Craig, did you have a party here? What’s that on your face, Craig? What’s that on your face? [Craig hides his face behind the plant] Is that cheese doodle dust? Is that cheese doodle dust? I can see it, Craig.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Craig knew I was disappointed. Now, this technique has worked for hundreds of women and I brought two of them here today. Please welcome Lauren Hobbs and Mary Butler.

[Cut to the stage. Lauren and Mary walk in.]

Thank you for being here and thank you for reading my book.

Lauren Hobbs: Oh my god. [Cut to Lauren and Mary] I loved the book. It has improved my relationships so much.

Mary Butler: Mine, too. You’re amazing Tabatha.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: It’s not me. There are techniques that have worked for years for both husbands and dogs. Now Lauren, you have a boyfriend who just can’t grow up. He parties and stays out too late?

[Cut to Lauren Hobbs]

Lauren Hobbs: Well, I used to. Daniel and his friends would just go crazy, but with your techniques, they learn to respect my concerns. Look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Lauren’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of Daniel and Benjamin standing in the kitchen] [Lauren is talking to Daniel and Benjamin as if she’s talking to the dogs.]

Daniel, Benjamin, who drank too much and bought an Xbox on Amazon Prime? [Daniel and Benjamin keep quiet] Daniel. Benjamin. Well, I know it was somebody. Who bought it? [Benjamin raises and puts is hand on Daniel’s shoulder] Daniel, [Daniel looks down guilty] I’m very disappointed.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Great communication, Lauren.

Lauren Hobbs: OH well, and he has been careful with his online hopping ever since. Haven’t you, honey?

[Cut to Daniel in the audience. He’s nodding his head like a dog.]

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: But I hear he hasn’t stopped the party.

Lauren Hobbs: Well, no, but we are working on that. [Cut to Lauren] I actually had to resort to your advanced shaming technique where I made a sign and took a picture of him next to it.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Hmm, let’s see that. [Cut to picture of Daniel with a sigh board that says “I hide meat in the couch.” (impression of a dog)] I hide meat in the couch.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren Hobbs: Yeah, he kept drinking late at night then bingeing on slices deli ham. But I never found the meat in the couch after that.

[Cut toTabitha]

Tabitha: Wonderful. And Mary? Your husband was being a little too secretive.

[Cut to Mary]

Mary Butler: Yeah, he was Tabitha, but using your techniques, I think helped both of us. Look at this.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Mary’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of confronting Steven about his hidden family photograph] [Lauren is talking to Steven as if she’s talking to a dog.]

Steven, I found this picture in your sock drawer. Is this your other family? Steven! [Steven is scared and does not make an eye contact] Did you leave town on business and start a secret family? Steven! Did you do that? Steven! Is that your baby? Oh, Steven!

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Oh, my god!

Mary Butler: Don’t worry, Steven says [Cut to Mary] it was all a misunderstanding. It’s all about communication, right?

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: Girl, I think you need more than communication problems. When we come back, I’ll show you what Craig did to the vacuum.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Lauren Hobbs: He has been so bad!

Tabitha: So bad.

The Raunchiest Miss Rita | Season 44 Episode 10

Mrs. Maisel… Rachel Brosnahan

Rita May Johnson… Leslie Jones

Announcer… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Mr. William Cosby… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with the door of Gaslight Café]

Mrs. Maisel: First, we’re downtown now, [Cut to Mrs. Maisel. She is on the stage of a standup comedy show] so if you have underwear on, you are overdressed.

Narrator: If you liked The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel–

Mrs. Maisel: Have you heard a saying ‘walk a mile in a man’s shoes?’ Well, I put on a pair of my husband’s shoes and my god, were they comfortable. I get why men rule the world. No high heels. Well, that’s my time. I’m Mrs. Maisel. Thank you and good night.

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel walking towards the bar]

Narrator: Then get ready for a whole new perspective.

[Rita May Johnson walks up to Mrs. Maisel]

Rita May Johnson: Mrs. Maisel, that was so inspiring to see a woman go on stage and do stand up.

Mrs. Maisel: Who knows, maybe someday you will be up there. [Drinking her martini]

Rita May Johnson: No. Not me, What would I even talk about?

Mrs. Maisel: Just be honest and say what’s on your mind. In fact, what about doing a set tonight?

Rita May Johnson: Tonight?

[Cut to the announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Coming up next, we got—this can’t be right. She sweeps the floors here. Rita May Johnson.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Rita May Johnson walking up to the stage][She walks to the mic]

Rita May Johnson: Hi.

[Cut to the silent audience]

Mrs. Maisel: Remember, [Cut to Mrs. Meisel between the audience] just say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson feeling nervous on the stage]

Rita May Johnson: Now is it just me, [Cut to the audience listening patiently] or– does this bitch look like she has never sucked a—[Bleep].

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel surprised]

[Cut to audience, silence at first, then burst laughing]

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: —[Bleep].

Narrator: It’s the Rauchiest Miss Rita. [Cut to video clip of the audience in the bar] A show that is a little less stylized and a little more in your face.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: I went to this lady’s house and I opened the drawer, 100 dildos! [everybody laughing] You know what I told her? You only got 99 now, because a bitch need one. [everybody laughing] [Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Rita may Johnson] You Mother–[Bleep]

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel and the announcer]

Mrs. Maisel: How long has she been on for?

Announcer: An hour and half.

Rita May Johnson: Is that the light? [Cut to Rita May Johnson] I ain’t never [Bleep] leaving.

[Cut to the scene of closing the bar]

Aidy: I gotta say that Rita’s got something.

Mrs. Maisel: You think so? What if she starts competing with me?

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: [Bleep][Bleep][Bleep]

[Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Maisel]

Aidy: Somehow, I don’t think there is much overlap. [Aidy leaves]

Mrs. Maisel: Also, what’s with the hat? Are you a Newzie?

[Cut to Rita May Johnson. She is smoking on the stage]

Narrator: With an even more exasperated, Tony Shalhoub.

[Cut to Papa and Mrs. Maisel]

Papa: This just isn’t how it’s done, Midge.

Mrs. Maisel: Papa, I’m good at this.

Papa: No, she is good at this.

[Papa points at Rita May Johnson on stage]

Rita May Johnson: This dude knows what I’m talking about, ain’t that right. Mother–[Blee]

[Papa is clapping out of laughter]

Narrator: Watch how Midge takes Rita under her wing.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson and Mrs. Maisel are talking, sitting on the booth of the bar]

Mrs. Maisel: Now, if you’re talking about core subjects, you may want to speak about them euphemistically.

Rita May Johnson: Okay. Okay. I got it.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson on stage]

Now we [Bleep] my ass. At least turn on the TV so I have something to watch.[Audience laughing]

[Cut to Rita May Johnson and Mrs. Maisel]

Mrs. Maisel: Oh, and you want to make sure to get the audience on your side.

Rita May Johnson: Right.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson on stage]

I bet your [Bleep] is so small – you [Bleep] on your nuts. [Audience laughing] She knows what I’m talking about.

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel laughing with the audience]

Narrator: From the creator of Gilmore Girls and some producers from Def Comedy Jam. The Raunchiest Miss Rita.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson leaving the stage and announcer is on mic]

Announcer: Rita May Johnson folks. This next comic is a lot more clean cut and wholesome. Welcome Mr. William Cosby.

[Mr. William Cosby walks on the stage]

Mr. William Cosby: Thank you.

Millennial Millions | Season 44 Episode 10

Host… Kenan Thompson

Carrie… Rachel Brosnahan

Dylan Knot… Pete Davidson

Milanie… Aidy Bryant

Parrot head boomer… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Millennial Millions intro]

Narrator: A mortgage, debt relief, health insurance are just cash. All these could be your’s today on Millennial Millions. Here’s your host, [Cut to stage with Dave, Carrie and Dylan] Dave Tulane.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Hello. Hello and welcome to Millennial Millions. We have got two young contestants [Cut to Carie and Dylan] here today. Carrie, why don’t you tell us about yourself.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Hey, Dave. I’m 26 years old and I love to get that health insurance because my company uses a lot of freelancers and we don’t get benefits.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, it’s tough to work at a start up. What’s the name of your company?

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Google.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Great, we have Dylan Knot. [Cut to Dylan] How are you Dylan?

Dylan: I’m doing great Dave. I’m 25. I have a masters from NYU and I’m an intern at Burger King.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, the corporate office?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: No.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, that’s rough. Well the good news is you Millennials can win lots of cash and prizes. Just don’t let it all get taken by our baby boomers. [Cut to the stage. We can see baby boomers at the backstage behind the wall because of back light] [Boomer sound] Yes, that’s right, behind the wall are several boomers just waiting to take that money for themselves. [Cut to Host] Our friend Milanie has a song about them. Come on out.

[Cut to the stage. Milanie comes out of the door]

Milanie: Well, good evening. [Cut to Milanie] Now, who are the boomers?

Well, their parents came home from World War II
and had a lot of sex and had a lot of kids
and kids grew up in a prosperous time
where America was the only Super Power left.
Then they played all the music and did all the drugs
and had all the sex and they all went to college
and got all the jobs and made all the money
and bought all the houses and they won’t ever die.
They’re the boomers!

[Cut to the stage. Everyone applauding] [Milanie leaves]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Thank you, Melanie. I hope that sums it up. Carrie, give us a start.

[Cut to Carrie. She’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Carrie: Okay. Here we go. Come on, health insurance! And stop.

Host: Okay. You got social security.

Carrie: Wow, awesome. Free money when I’m old.

[Boomer sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, well, not if boomer takes it all first. Who do we got? [Cut to the stage. Parrot head boomer comes out of the door dancing] [Cut to Parrot Head Boomer dancing and drinking her cocktail] Okay, it’s the parrot head boomer. That’s right. She worked as a banker for 30 stable years and then got an $8 million severance and moved to Key West. [Cut to Host] Now Carrie, this boomer is going to complain for 30 seconds. Make it that whole time without interrupting and the social security is yours.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Okay. That sounds easy.

[Cut to Host]

Host: It sounds easy, but I know how you Millennials love anything that challenges your world view. 30 seconds on the clock. And go!

[Cut to split screen. Parrot head boomer at the left and Carrie at the right]

Parrot Head Boomer: You young people have it so easy and you sit around eating avocado toast watching movies on your phone. I never had that. I had to work. I mean $8 million is not what it used to be. So of course I’m taking the social security–

Carrie: I’m sorry. I can’t. You are taking the social security. Bitch, you are rich! [Buzzer sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, sorry, Carrie. You didn’t keep your cool.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: It feels so unfair.

Host: Well, [Cut to Host] maybe you can tweet about it. That will solve everything. [Host laughs] My goodness. I’m just playing. I’m Gen-X. I sit on the sidelines and watch the world burn. Devin, you’re up.

[Cut to Dylan. He’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Dylan: Great, let’s do this. Come on, mortgage. And stop.

Host: Okay. Debt relief. [Cut to Host] Now Dylan, this prize can pay off your college loans up to $100,000.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Awesome. That will cover like half.

[Boomer sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh but wait! I think a boomer wants some of that money. Who’s there? [Cut to the stage. Collector boomer comes out of the door dancing and gesturing as playing guitar] Okay, [Cut to collector boomer] it’s the collector boomer. His finished his latter years of wiring everything he wanted in his youth. He owns six vintage cars and a wall of guitars. [Cut to the Host] But somehow he’s only an orthodontist.

[Cut to Collector Boomer]

Collector Boomer: Now this is music!

[Cut to the Host]

Host: Okay Dylan. We will give you the debt relief if you listen to our collector boomer without interrupting. Start this clock and go.

[Cut to split screen. Collector boomer at the left and Dylan at the right]

Collector Boomer: It’s crazy. I’d love to retire and free up a job for younger person. We’ve got the house in Jersey. There are house out on the cape which is a tax nightmare and this Scottsdale place. I mean it’s too much. What am I supposed to do.

Dylan: Sell one! Nobody needs that many houses! [Dylan leaves the show] [Buzzers sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! Too bad. Looks like Dylan left in a Millennial submit. I guess he had to find a safe space. [Host laughs] Again, I am Gen-X. I just sit back and do nothing like a referee at Wrestle Mania. Okay, Carrie, it’s your lucky day. That means you get to play for the boomer birth right bonanza. That’s right. That’s a full time job, a starter home, no student debt and we will throw in the social security. In other words, you will get everything the boomers got just for being born at the right time.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Great. That hurts to hear.

[Cut to Host]

Host: But, to win it you have to spend 30 seconds getting a life advice from the toughest boomer of all. [Cut to the stage with Host and Carrie] [Boomer Sound] Your dad!

[The door opens. Dad comes out of the door.]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Host: All right. We have to take a break. [Cut to Host] But dad, give us a taste of what you are going to tell her.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I was going to explain that I don’t have student loans because I worked my way  through college—

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Yeah, right dad, because college cost $300 back then.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, don’t just start without me now. This is going to be good. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to outro of the show]

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]