Tag: Season 40

Zombie Apocalypse High School

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Dunken… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Cecily Strong

Harry Miller… Jim Carrey

Ben… Pete Davidson

[Starts with a clip of destroyed houses. The screen reads “Powder Springs, Georgia. Kenan0 days after the zombie apocalypse.”]

Kenan: Hey, you think this buried Kater hall?
Beck: It better.

[Cut to the four survivors]

This is the last safe place in town.

Dunken: Never thought I’d be so happy to be stuck at school.

Megan: Shut up, Dunken.

Dunken: Whatever, Megan!

Kenan: Hey, somebody’s coming.

Beck: Who’s out there?

[Cut to everybody. Harry Miller is standing with a baseball bat and a cushion tied on on arm.]

Harry Miller: Hey there, neighbor. My name’s Harry Miller, seeking refuge. You went to school with my boy, Ben.

Megan: Oh, yeah! Ben Miller. I had science with him.

Beck: You ain’t been bit, right?

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Do I look like I’ve been bit, y’all? Could a zombie do this? A-B-C-D-E-F-G– and the rest?

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Very impressive. Clear path for him boys.

[Cut to Harry Miller]

Harry Miller: Ben, come on now. Come on boy.

[Harry Miller has Ben who is a zombie on a rod leash. He is hitting him with the baseball bat.]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Uh, Ben’s a zombie, dude!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Ben? That’s bananas.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Now, look at him. It’s not bananas at all.

Megan: He’s acting all sparling.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What? Anyone can tell this boy suffers from classic case of ADHD.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Ay! He’s trying to say flesh. And that is a zombie word.

Dunken: Yeah! Plus, if he’s not a zombie then why am I like, super scared of him?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Oh, I get it. Y’all don’t want him in there because you think he different. Well, you know what? He is different. He likes art, he reads books that challenge him. That’s why we can’t come in, right?

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: [putting on some lip gloss] He’s right, y’all. We shouldn’t not let Ben in just because he is a bookworm.

Dunken: Where did you even get the lip gloss, Megan?

Megan: I looted it from Sephora.

Beck: Ah! Dude, Ben’s eating a hand.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Ben is eating a hand.]

Harry Miller: [Hitting Ben with the bat] Hey, put that down.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket hiding from the other four survivors]

Here, I tell you what. For now, just take this. Eat it.

[Ben eats it]

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: Oh! You just fed him brain. I saw it.

Kenan: Come on! Why wasting our time, man? He’s a zombie. You’re not. I mean, this is just straight up stupid?

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: What does he have to do to get in there? Put on a show? I mean, he does impressions. Do one Ben.

[Cut to Ben. He’s just screaming like a zombie.]

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: I’ll give you a hint. Talks real slow. Stares at you with dead eyes. It’s Brian Williams.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Megan: Oh, my god! That is good, right?

Beck: Watch out!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben. Another zombie tries to attack Harry Miller but Ben stops him]

[Cut to Ben and another zombie. They talk in zombie language then bite each other’s flesh.]

[Cut to Harry Miller, Ben and the other zombie. The other zombie leaves.]

Harry Miller: That’s my boy. Bossing around with his pals.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: Why are you keeping this up? Your son speaks to zombies.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Well, I speak a few words Spanish, that don’t make me a Mexican.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Beck: You know what? Last chance, dude! You can come in but your zombie son can’t.

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben.]

Harry Miller: Alright. Guess I’m busted. He is a zombie.

[Cut to the four survivors]

Kenan: We know!

[Cut to Harry Miller and Ben]

Harry Miller: Let me just say goodbye to my boy. Will You? Now Ben.

[The zombie is growling and Harry Miller is beating him with the baseball bat]

Now, you listen here Ben. You gotta be your own man Ben. Ben, you gotta be your own man, make an ashed dead girl a happy, happy dead girl. Marry her, fall in love. Have a baby and eat it. Here.

[Harry Miller gives Ben something out of his pocket]

I want you to have this. It’s the last little bit of brain your mama had.

[Ben eats it]

Now you go on and be the zombie [crying] that I know you can be. Well, I guess one more hug wouldn’t hurt. Come here.

[When Harry Miller tries to hug Ben, he bites him on the shoulder.]

Oh, god! Oh, my god! That was just not really smart thing to–

[Harry Miller is also growling now. They walk to the four survivors]

[Cut to the four survivors. Harry Miller and Ben are trying to reach them]

Dunken: I’ll get the crossbows.

Megan: Get right, Dunken. You suck at shooting.

Dunken: Shut up, Megan!

[Ends with the clip of the destroyed house]

Weekend Update Romantic Comedy Expert

Daisy Rose… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Several major networks recently debut romantic comedy themed sitcoms including Selfie, A to Z and Marry Me. Here to comment is our romantic comedy expert, Daisy Rose.

[Daisy Rose slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Daisy Rose: Hi. I am sorry. Do you know how I can get to the Weekend Update desk? I am supposed to do a talk in romantic comedies and I am completely lost as per use.

Michael Che: This is the Weekend Update desk.

Daisy Rose: Oh, my god! I am officially an idiot. Let me just get my note cards here. And– Oh! I’m sorry. I just had such a stressful day and I went total cluts and I just– I spilled–

Michael Che: Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m Michael Che and it’s nice to meet you.

Daisy Rose: Well, I’d better get into my talk. This season’s new crop of romantic comedies bring not only the Ram, but also Cam.

Michael Che: That’s pretty clever.

Daisy Rose: [laughing] You know, it’s not that often that I meet a guy with a sense of humor. I guess, ever since my ex and I broke up, I don’t laugh a lot. And I don’t know, you … um, you make me laugh. Hi, I’m Daisy Rose.

Michael Che: I know, I just introduced you. Anyway, get it back to romantic–

Daisy Rose: Comedies? We’re finishing each other’s sentences

Michael Che: Kinda! So, as a romantic comedy expert, what do you think of these new shows?

Daisy Rose: What do I think? What do I think honestly?

[music playing]

I think that… um, that maybe I was meant to be here tonight. Because I was meant to meet you.

Michael Che: That is not why we actually brought you here.

Daisy Rose: It’s just that … and I think– you go first.
Michael Che: You’re the only one going. So, maybe get back to talking about romantic comedy.

Daisy Rose: Look, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s New York city and it’s 6 days before Halloween. So, do you wanna just go somewhere and talk?

Michael Che: Daisy, I can’t go anywhere now. I’m in a middle of Update.

Daisy Rose: You’re always in the middle of Update. Why not in the beginning of something? Stop reading the cue cards out there and start reading the ones in here. [putting her hand over her heart]

Michael Che: Okay, I met you 70 seconds ago.
Daisy Rose: Well, if I don’t leave now, I’ll miss my flight. And you’ll lose me forever.

Michael Che: Well, then you better go.

Daisy Rose: Hey, listen, if we’re not both married and… I don’t know. Daisy Rose5, Michael Che0 minutes, do you want to meet at our special place? You know, the place where we first met?

Michael Che: You mean, right here?

Daisy Rose: Yes. So, what do you say? Do want to take a chance on us?

Michael Che: Absolutely not.

Daisy Rose: You have me at ‘Absolutely’.

Michael Che: Daisy Rose, everyone.

[Daisy Rose acting shy]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle on Halloween

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And that means families will be out Trick or Treating. Here with his take on Halloween this year is drunk uncle.

[cheers and applause]

[Drunk Uncle slides in with his glass]

So, how are you drunk uncle?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, trick or treat! I’m sorry. 5th floor please.

Michael Che: No man! I’m the new Update anchor.

[Drunk Uncle is confused]

[Drunk Uncle slides his chair behind Michael Che and then to the side of Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: Yeah, this feels better. Oh! Trick or treat, smell my feet, kids used to volunteer to fight for their country.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! Be nice.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey! [Drunk Uncle puts a trash can’s cover on his head] Ouch! What’s my costume?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Oscar the grouch?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: No, I’m America because that’s where we are now, in the garbage.

[Drunk Uncle throws away the trash can cover.]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must be excited for Halloween? Right?

Drunk Uncle: More like Horrorwin. You know? I mean, like, “Oh! What are you going as little girl?” “Oh, I’m going as disappointing my father.” People don’t even trick or treat anymore, Colin. You know? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] When I was a kid, monsters were men. It was just ghost, goblin, Frankenstein, Dracula. Nowadays, it’s just, “Trick or treat! Can you put some goji berries in my drop box please?” Is this GoPro farm to table? NFL anywhere. If you can watch the NFL anywhere, then why can’t I watch it in the damn toilet, Linda?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, come on, drunk uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Fit bit. Fit bit. Fit bit. The only exercise I get is chasing those damn gypsies off my lawn.

Colin Jost: Those were costumes.

Drunk Uncle: They were like, “Oh! Trick or treat!” Well, guess what? We already got trick. It’s called Pearl Harbor.

Colin Jost: Alright. Drunk uncle, I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah! I got trapped in a corn maze. Oh! Excuse me. I’m sorry. A native American maze.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts singing, and then crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle. Are you crying?

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not a jack of lanterns. Oh yeah? So I don’t know how to commit murder [blabbering unintelligible words]. Okay? So I’m not a graveyard smash, okay? [blabbering unintelligible words] That’s not me.

Colin Jost: That’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey. You wanna hear a joke?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Drunk Uncle: What is black and white and red all over?

Colin Jost: A newspaper?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, no, that’s better. I was going to say something super racist. So, yeah. [Drunk Uncle starts singing]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everybody! For Weenend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning this week broke Brett Farve’s NFL record when he threw his 509th touchdown pass. Farve sent Manning a congratulatory text just as soon as he finished writing ‘good job’ on his penis.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a cake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A bakery in Texas has created a new dessert that is a pumpkin pie inside of a pumpkin spiced cake that is on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake and topped by an apple pie inside a cake. It’s what Texans are calling diet cake.

[Picture changes to a fish fossil]

According to a new study of fossils, the act of sex used by humans was pioneered by an ancient armored fish called placoderms about 385 million years ago. But it wasn’t perfected until last night by your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lay’s new wasabi ginger flavor at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: So aggressive. Such an aggressive serving. A nurse in New Jersey won a Lay’s potato chips contest by creating the new flavor of wasabi ginger, which sounds less like a chip flavor and more like something Joe Biden would accidentally call the Chinese ambassador.

[Picture changes to a coffee mug]

An Illinois woman has purchased 52 boxes of a pumpkin spice latte mix, which is enough to last an entire year. And no need to google it, she’s white.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a knuckle weapon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A school employee in Texas was arrested after he allegedly brought brass knuckles and a meth pipe to school. In his defense, he was planning on teaching someone a lesson.

[Picture changes to KFC fast food and Chinese flag]

A woman in China spent an entire week at a local KFC because she was depressed after breaking up with her boyfriend. A boyfriend who needless to say, dogged that bullet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Canceled sign on TLC “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: TLC has canceled the reality show ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ after it was reported that mama June is dating a convicted sex offender. Even though convicted sex offender is the show’s key demographic.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of New York city and Ebola virus at left top corner.]

Thursday, officials confirmed the first case of Ebola in New York. So, it’s official, New York city has all the diseases.

[Picture changes to New York city map]

According to reports, before the New York city doctor diagnosed with Ebola began showing symptoms, he went for a run, visited the high line, then took three different subways and went to a bowling alley in Brooklyn. This dude did more in a day with Ebola than I’ve done all month. I’m starting to think that he has not Ebola but more, he just like, drank a Red Bull. I’m just kidding. Red Bull is way worse for you.

[Picture changes to a bowling alley]

And now owners of the Brooklyn bowling alley where New York doctor with Ebola visited, are having the entire facility professionally cleaned. Thus, making it no longer technically a bowling alley.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s is a picture of US country and Ebola virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new phone poll, 45% of Americans are concerned that they’ll get Ebola. The other 55% wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get Ebola.

[Picture changes to a man with full protection suit on]

I’m sick of the Ebola panic. I mean, where I have I heard this before? It’s mostly white people afraid of it, but it’s killing mostly black people. Kind of like, black people. I’m not saying black people are like Ebola. I’m saying we’re treated the same. I mean nobody thinks about us till we show up in your neighborhood at your favorite bowling alley and go home with a few white girls. And then it’s, “Oh, we got to do something about this.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of basketball and a football at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report was released this week accusing UNC of more than Colin Jost8 years of academic fraud, involving more than 3,000 student athletes. UNC student athletes refuted the report calling it both, ungood and distrue.

Secret Billionaire

Steve… Taran Killam

Stacy… Cecily Strong

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Gordon… Beck Bennett

Abit Bana Wilkin… Jim Carrey

Tony… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Secret Billionaire intro]

[Cut to the show]

Steve: Welcome back to Secret Billionaire. At the top of our show, we met Stacy. A waitress and aspiring pilot. Stacy, you came on Secret Billionaire because you’re looking for a man of wealth.

Stacy: That’s right, Steve. I want a life of luxury.

Steve: Well, tonight, we have four eligible bachelors, but here’s the twist, only one of them is an actual billionaire. Gentlemen, please introduce yourselves.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up Stace? I’m Mike. I’m an internet genius. Ha-ha!

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: Hi Stacy. I’m Gordon, heir to a massive chain of retail stores.

[Cut to Abit. He is very old and is on a wheelchair.]

Abit: And I’m Abit Bana Wilkin, senior member of Illuminati.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: And I’m Tony. Hip Hop mobile.

[Cut to everybody]

Steve: Well, Stacy, it’s time to get to know your bachelors. [Cut to Steve and Stacy] Keep in mind, only one of them is telling the truth.

Stacy: Okay, guys, I’m a good girl but I have a crazy side. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: Oh, man! There’s like, so many. But I would have to go with the time that I bought out a whole movie theater just so I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, save some popcorn for me. Tony.

[Cut to Tony]

Tony: Well, I once filled my entire hot tub with gold and $100 bills. Then I took a bling bath. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: It’s simple. In 1978, I rigged an election in Panama. As I had high stakes in a banana futures. Things got messy and the bastards made off of those sovereign, my left hand. But fortunately, I replaced it with one of my own creations. [Abit shows his robotic hand] This mechanic-tronic hand, strong enough to crush steel but soft enough for manual pleasure.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Ooh! The hand is cool.

Steve: I know. Really think about their answers, Stacy. Next question.

Stacy: Okay, guys. I love to travel. If we could go anywhere in the world, where would you take me?

[Cut to Gordon]

Gordon: That’s easy. I would take you in my own personal helicopter that I own to the city of love, Paris. Where we’ll have champagne on the bar at the top of the Eiffel tower.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Wow, I love bars. Mike?

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: I would fly you to Japan just to get fresh sushi for dinner.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Um, amazing. Abit.

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I would take you to the wide open spaces of the upper Utah where hot air balloon will be waiting. I would have send in it alone and pleasure myself to completion. And observe my essence fall 3,000 feet and marvel at the majesty of mother earth as she accepts my seed for purchase. And after that, we would go to Applebees and eat among the dollars.

[Cut to Tony staring at Abit being surprised]

Tony: Okay. I’d take you to the Luxa.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Steve: [laughing] You have got your work cut out for you, Stacy.

Abit: Stacy, I brought you something. [Cut to Abit. He has a puppy in his hands.] This puppy is wearing an exact replica of a suit worn by the man in seat 3A in the Malaysian airliner that [showing his two fingers as quoting] “disappeared”. It serves as both a gift and a warning.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw! I love puppies. Okay, final question. Guys, I love the holidays. What do you do to feel jolly?

[Cut to Abit]

Abit: I was alone and bored one Christmas. So, I rented out an airplane hanger and filled it with 250 men named Dennis and one name Brian. I watched from two way glass above just to see what they would do. Would the Dennisses even know? Soon they started introducing themselves. “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” “I am Dennis.” And I watched Brian very carefully. Would he be frightened and disoriented? Fully immersed in a world out of his control? A world of Dennisses? Or would he become a sort of unofficial leader? For 10 hours they mingled, trying to make sense of it all. And I sat the whole time and wrapped the tension, gently sipping on a glass of octopus urine.

[Cut to Steve and Stacy]

Stacy: Aw, I love seafood.

Steve: Stacy, this is gonna be a tough decision, but the clues are out there. When we come back, it’s time for our one-on-one dates.

[Cut to everybody]

Abit: How much do you charge for your dignity? [Abit moves forward to Stacy on his wheelchair]

[cheers and applause]

Monologue Jim Carrey as Helvis Sings About Pecan Pie

Jim Carrey

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Carrey.

[Jim Carry walks in and to the stage. He is wearing red funky clothes and he has horns on his head.]

[cheers and applause]

Jim Carrey: Thank you. Thank you. No, you might as well stop. It will never be enough. I am so excited to be here hosting the Halloween episode of Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah! Yes. I personally love Halloween. Everyone dresses up in crazy outfits and acts insane. It’s the one day of year that I actually blend in. For this Halloween, I’ve decided to be a bit of a hybrid. I call this ‘Helvis’. Now, we all know that Helvis went to heaven. That’s easy enough to prove. But while he was here, he did like to raise a little hell.

[people howling at the back]

He also really loved peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But eventually, he came to an important realization.

[Acting like Elvis Presley]

Man cannot live on fried peanut butter and sandwiches alone. I mean,what about dessert?

[music stars playing and Jim Carrey starts singing and dancing]

Well it’s late at night and I’m a hungry man
we’ve been howling with the beat of band
and I kind of emptied down in my soul
jelly in my belly starts to rock n’ roll
Is that a red finer diner by the side of the road
I got to order something out of the mode
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie

Later at the house I’m gonna have some fun
turning up the TV with a loaded gun
Racked a bit karate and I get it right
working up my king size appetite
Is that a red thick thing to the store
I got to order what I have before,
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie

When I say jump, all of my dude
I can use a power like a voodoo
before the show in Honolulu
I said to crew, when I’m through
I’ll have a pecan pie

[Four SNL cast members join Jim Carrey as back up singers and dancers]

I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie
I’ll have a pecan pie

Next day at 3 I’ma coming around
climbing off the charts but I’m feeling down
gonna be painting out a lot of loots
all the eating get to making me a bigger suit
smoking little dubbies hit around and talk
then my blood sugar’s dropping like a rock
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie

[Other SNL cast members join Jim Carrey as back up singers and dancers]

I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie

[everybody on the stage are clapping while singing]

I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pecan pie
I need a pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa papa wants a pecan pie

That song made me hungry. Hey red, [Bobby Moynihan appears infront of Helvis] You’re gonna sit here all day with that stupid look in your face while I starve to death? Or you’re gonna up your ass and get me a pecan pie.

[Jim Carrey sings again]

I don’t want a cherry
No more ordinary

[Bobby Moynihan gets him a pie on a plate]

Hallelujah
Finally got a pecan pie!

[Jim Carrey eats the pie and spits it out.]

That’s a lemon pie, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Got you! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. [Bobby Moynihan leaves]

[music starts again]

Jim Carrey: We’ll be right back. Iggy Azalea is here. Helvis has left the building.

[cheers and applause]

Lincoln Ads

Jim Carrey

[Starts with a man driving a car. It’s a car commercial.]

Jim Carrey: Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward. And I don’t mean go back and reminisce or chase ghost. I mean, take a big step back. Like, go from winning an Oscar to doing a car commercial. My agent was like, “I could understand if you did this right after the Lincoln Lawyer, that would have made sense.” But you don’t Lincoln coz it makes sense. You do it coz you love it, or coz you’re an Uber driver. I feel safe in here, to drive around all night long. Contemplating the important questions alive, who am I? Why am I here? When I’m done rolling up this booger, should I eat it or throw it out the window? Feels good. Like a tiny little tennis ball. Ah there, little fella.

Why do I drive Lincoln? Why does anybody do anything? We’re just bugs on a rock and a void. We were a mistake. Life, earth, I believe it is each man’s duty to correct the mistake the nature made. Extinguish mankind like pathetic match that it is.

[Cut to the back seat. There is a boy and a girl.]

Son: Dad, are you okay?

[1 looks back]

Jim Carrey: I’m super good, bud.

[Cut to the kids]

Daughter: You’re going 5 miles an hour.

[Cut to 1]

Jim Carrey: Not bad for a Lincoln. [1 looks at the rear view mirror] Who’s kids are these? And how did they get on Lincoln?

Lincoln Ads 2

[Start with Kenan speaking in front of a house about insurance]

Kenan: You probably have deductible of $500 on your car insurance. Why shouldn’t you drink to drive safely? All state thinks it should. Down to nothing. Can you afford not to be in good– Oh my god!

[1 gets hit by a car]

[Cut to Jim Carrey driving the car. It’s the Lincoln car commercial. He is not wearing any shirt. His tie is on his forehead.]

Jim Carrey: They say that god made the moon. But, I don’t know. Maybe the moon made him. Or her.

[Cut to Kenan at 1’s car’s boot. The car is still moving.]

Kenan: Please, stop the car.

Jim Carrey: No, that’s freaking cool. Lincoln.

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]

[music playing]

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil