Tag: Season 40

Weekend Update Willie is Excited for Spring

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s finally spring. And I for one, have not been in the best spirits. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy spring time, everybody! It’s my favorite season. Sun is out. The birds are chirping. It’s so nice, I wouldn’t sleep in doors even if I could.

Michael Che: Well, you have to sleep in doors? I mean outdoors?

Willie: I’ll get to it, Michael. Also, I have to. Coz it’s like they always say, “You gave your money to a conman, Willie.”

Michael Che: That’s not cheering me up, Willie. I’m sorry.

Willie: Oh, come on, Michael! Spring time is the best time. Easter will be here soon. [Cut to Willie] Reminds of me when I was a little boy looking for chocolate eggs around the house. I can still hear my grandma saying, “Get out that damn litter box, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh, come on! Little cat doukie can’t hurt you.

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It can.

Willie: But it’s baseball season, Michael!

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Takes me back to when I was 6 years old. And my daddy took me down to Yankee stadium for my first ball game. I was so excited. He looked me and said, “Son, look at that in the field. That’s Micky Mantle. He’s sleeping with your mother and I’m gonna shoot him.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, man!

Willie: Oh, but that’s the point, Michael.

Michael Che: What is? How is that the point?

Willie: Spring is about new beginnings. A fresh start. Rebirth!

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know who loved spring? My old dog Lucias.

Michael Che: Oh no.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: I had let him off the lease and he just ran as far as he could. I can still hear his barking getting thinner and thinner as those wolves dragged him off into the woods. But it’s like they always say, “Wolves raped your dog again, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, so none of these memories bum you out?

Willie: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Spring time does make me feel a little lonely. I do miss my wife.

Michael Che: Oh, I’m sorry, man.

Willie: It’s my own fault. [Cut to Willie] I bet she’d still be with me today if I had just listened when she said, “Hit the brakes, Willie!” But, you know what, Michael? It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to never wanna drag race.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hey, man! If you ever get too lonely, you can always call me.

[Cut to Willie crying]
Willie: Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Coz it’s like I always say, “There ain’t no god!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: That’s me. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky on the Russian Economy

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Russian Ruble showed signs of bouncing back this week after a 15 month period economic strife brought on by International Sanctions. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is Olya-Olya, I’m starving.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you back Olya.

Olya: Thank you. It’s my pleasure. You know, ever since I have been on this SNL, I am like local celebrity in my village. Every where I go, I am hounded.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? You’re hounded? Right? By paparazzi?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No, no. By actual hounds. They chase me Colin. But don’t worry. I trick them by playing dead like this. [Olya poses like she’s dead.]

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’d be happy to be dead?

Olya: Oh, yes. Like all Russians, Colin, I have been planning my funeral since I was a little girl. [Cut to Olya] As I am buried, I will have them play the most popular funeral song in Russia. [Olya starts singing]

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Come on! Russia cannot be that awful.

Olya: Oh, yeah! You know district 12 in Hunger Games? It’s based on richest neighborhood in my village. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, you know what Fifty Shades of Grey is about? My teeth! Even Ebola would not come to Russia. It almost came and then it was like, “Not too easy.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know, Russia must be on some kind of financial upswing. This week they proposed building $1 trillion super highway from Siberia to Alaska.

Olya: Ricka-ricka-What? Russia is going to build $1 trillion road? Yeah, right! In your screams, Russia!

Colin Jost: No, no. I think you mean .in your dreams’.

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: What is dreams? Listen to me, Russia? We cannot build $1 trillion road. We have bigger fish to fry. Like, we have no fish to fry. We cannot spend this money because much like Kelly Rowland, we just don’t have it.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, Olya! That’s a pretty bad burn.

Olya: I have to burn people, Colin! For fun and for warmth.

Colin Jost: Well, I know it’s pretty cold here in New York city. You know, it’s tough, cold, raining.

Olya: Oh, Colin. You do not know cold. [Cut to Olya] I was born inside a frozen lake. My mother fell in and the shock of cold bopped me out. You know how babies cry when they first come out, Colin? Not me. I rolled my eyes, I said, “Well played, devil!” I have had frostbite ever since, Colin. This is why my toes are like One Direction, only four left. Also, mostly, hairy (Harry Styles).

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, now if Russia’s that bad, Olya, I gotta ask, why don’t you move to America?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Are you flirting with Olya? Is that a banana in your pocket? If that’s a banana in our pocket, please give me banana.

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatsky, everyone!

Olya: One banana. One!

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: George Zimmerman who shot Trayvon Martin spoke out for the first time saying that he blames President Obama for insighting racial tensions that erupted after the shooting. At least he thinks it was Obama. It was pretty dark at the time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Instagram model at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent memo, American Apparel wants to stop using what they call, “Instagram Hoes” for their ads and instead hire professional models. But good news, they’re still make them up to look like [picture changes to a picture of American Apparel ad where model looks scared] they’ve been kidnapped by a human trafficker. Coz when I see ads for American Apparel, I don’t wanna buy clothes. I wanna see those women rescued by Liam Neeson.

[Picture changes to a casket]

Officials in England reburied remains the King Richard III, after his bones were discovered underneath a parking lot three years ago. So, this time everyone remember he’s buried in [picture changes to a parking spot C8] C8.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks takeaway cup at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After only 6 days, Starbucks canceled the controversial campaign in which Baristas would write the slogan ‘Race Together’ on cups to spark conversations about race relations. I don’t know how did they think that was gonna work. I mean, were we supposed to talk about race like we talk about sports? Hey, Colin, how about those blacks, huh? Can’t catch a break, am I right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, they’ve had a rough season. You know, I think the whites are gonna win it all again this year.

Michael Che: Ah! You’re a front runner. But you know who you really got to watch out for?

Colin Jost: The Mexicans, yeah!

Michael Che: I wasn’t gonna say that.

Colin Jost: Well–

Michael Che: [laughs] I was gonna say that.

Colin Jost: Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A candy store in Los Angeles has created a 440 pound peanut butter cup. It’s called [Picture changes to a rapper CeeLo] CeeLo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man napping on a couch.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that a 45 minute nap in the middle of the day can enhance a person’s memories. Memories like, “Oh, right! I’m an alcoholic.”

[Picture changes to ‘The Jinx’]

The finale of the HBO series ‘The Jinx’ aired last week about an alleged serial killer Robert Durst. And the series was great. But I was a little worried that the opening credits of the show might kind of glorify the idea about being a serial killer. I don’t know. Let’s take a quick look.

[Cut to the intro of the show where it’s showing assaults and dumping of dead bodies.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

So, they showed a photo of the real woman who disappeared, a woman he probably murdered, and then the singer goes, “Whooo!” Just like, “Yay, murder!” I mean you might as well just use this music instead.

[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “This is how we do it.”]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Or, you know, if you really want to, just go for with this one.

[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “Oops I did it again.”]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun and a bottle of juice at left top corner.]

I love that song. Just love that song. Louisiana police arrested a man for shooting his 18 year old son during an argument over orange juice. It’s considered the second worst crime that OJ is responsible for.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Indiana state and LGBTQ rainbow color.]

The governor of Indiana has signed a new law allowing businesses to turn away gay and lesbian customers saying it’s their part of their religious freedom. You’ll be able to tell which stores are supporting the new law, because they’ll have these helpful little signs. [Picture changes to a sign that says, “Going out of business!”]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

The head of the house committee investigated the Benghazi attacks said Friday that Hillary Clinton wiped her personal email server clean, permanently deleting all her emails. So, at least one Clinton has learned how to wipe something clean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colombian flag and a DEA badge.]

Michael Che: A new Justice Department report claims that the American DEA agents in Columbia participated in sex parties with prostitutes hired by drug cartels. In response to this incredibly irresponsible behavior, the agents have been promoted to Secret Service!

[Picture changes to Ted Cruz]

During senator Ted Cruz’s speech announcing his run for president, he repeatedly asked voters to imagine the country what it would look like with him as it’s leader. And he repeatedly asked voters to stop laughing. He was serious. He could win.

[Picture changes to Harry Reid]

Friday, senator Harry Reid said that he came to his decision to not run for re-election while he was recovering from his exercising accident. That’s right, an exercising accident. And definitely not roughed off by senate badass, [Picture changes to Mitch McConnell smoking wearing a leather jacket.] Mitch McConnell.

The Rock Obama Cold Open

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Tom Cotton… Kyle Mooney

John Boehner… Taran Killam

Ted Cruz… Bobby Moynihan

Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata

The Rock Obama… Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Agent… Beck Bennett

She Rock Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a meeting with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Gentlemen, um, thank you for coming. Now, the reason I asked you all here is because we only have until end of March to get something done in my list. And that’s hard to do when you, senator Cotton are sending letters to Iranian government behind my back?

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: Yes, I did. [Tom Cotton looks at John Boehner and Ted Cruz]

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Alright. Or, when you, speaker Boehner are inviting the prime minister of Israel to speak to congress without consulting with me?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: I did do it.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Or when you, senator Cruz call Mr. Netanyahu, an extraordinary leader and side with him against your own president?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, that’s just how I feel.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Now, look. I’m gonna try to not lost my temper. But what’s it gonna take for us to show a united front on this?

[Cut to John Boehner]

John Boehner: Well, not to be rude, Mr. President, but the only reason I invited prime minister Netanyahu is because I wanted to meet a world leader whose people actually respect him.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

Ted Cruz: Yeah, you know? [Cut to Ted Cruz] And I’m impressed he even came to visit considering how much your bad your situation in the middle east.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off]

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Tom Cotton: I’ve been in Wash in three months and I think I think I understand foreign policy better than you. And unrelated, I heard your file four bracket is totally busted.

[Cut to Barack Obama being pissed off. He starts screaming and grunting.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner and Ted Cruz. Michelle Obama walks in the office.]

Michelle Obama: Oh, my god! It’s happening.

[Cut to a worn shirt and shoes being torn]

[Cut to The Hulk version of Barack Obama.]

[Cut to Tom Cotton, John Boehner, Ted Cruz and Michelle Obama. They look shocked.]

John Boehner: What’s happening?

Michelle Obama: What’s happening is you made Barack Obama very angry. And when you make him angry, he turns into ‘The Rock Obama’. Well, anyway, I just wanted to remind you about dinner Barack. Gentlemen, good luck!

[Michelle Obama leaves]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]
Barack Obama: Now, um, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only larger and more violent. Now, where were we? You.

[Cut to John Boehner and The Rock Obama]

John Boehner: Me?

The Rock Obama: You invite Netanyahu without asking?

John Boehner: [scared] Um, I- I did. But–

[The Rock Obama carried John Boehner by his collar with one hand]

The Rock Obama: You like Israel?

John Boehner: Yes.

The Rock Obama: Oh, maybe you should go visit Israel.

[The Rock Obama throws John Boehner out of the window.]

You, Tom Cotton.

[Cut to Tom Cotton]

Come here.

[Tom Cotton walks to The Rock Obama.]

Tom Cotton: Okay.

[Cut to Tom Cotton and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: You write letter to Iran?

Tom Cotton: I did, yes.

The Rock Obama: You like writing letters?

Tom Cotton: I guess.

The Rock Obama: How you write letter when you have no hand?

[The Rock Obama pulls off Tom Cotton’s hand]

Tom Cotton: Oh! Oh, god!

The Rock Obama: Watch, this. Obama from downtown.

[The Rock Obama throws Tom Cotton’s hand into the bin like scoring in basketball.]

Break! Okay, you go now.

[Tom Cotton jumps out of the window himself.]

[Cut to Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama.]

You! Ted Cruz!

Ted Cruz: Alright.

The Rock Obama: Come, sit next to president.

[Ted Cruz sits near The Rock Obama]

Ted Cruz: Yes?

The Rock Obama: You shut down government? Very rude! The Rock Obama polite, so I ask, please, may I crush your head?

Ted Cruz: Oh, no!

[The Rock Obama is crushing Ted Cruz’s head]

[Cut to Michelle Obama walking in]

Michelle Obama: Barack, stop!

[cut to Michelle Obama, Ted Cruz and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Oh, just kidding. Me no crush his head. Just tear it off.

Ted Cruz: Oh-oh!

Michelle Obama: Senator, you better go.

Ted Cruz: Okay, bye-bye.

[Ted Cruz runs out]

[Agent walks in]

Agent: Excuse me Mr. President.

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Yes, agent.

[Cut to Agent]

Agent: I’m afraid we have another little oopsie due over at the secret service. Turns out there has been a mentally ill vagrant living in the White House garden for the last two months.

[Cut to Agent and Michelle Obama]

Michelle Obama: [yelling] Are you kidding me? My garden?
[Michelle Obama is screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Easy Michelle!

[Cut to Michelle Obama’s back. Her dress and shoes are being torn like The Hulk.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama screaming and grunting]

[Cut to The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Barack not only one. There’s also “She Rock Obama”

[Cut to Agent and She Rock Obama]

She Rock Obama: You try to protect us, but who will protect you?

[She Rock Obama pulls off Agent’s arm. Agent faints.]

[Cut to She Rock Obama and The Rock Obama]

The Rock Obama: Michelle, high-five! Ah! Being president is fun.

The Rock Obama and She Rock Obama: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Jungle

Shortlong… Pete Davidson

Dr. Bones… Dwayne Johnson

Ms. Reece… Kate McKinnon

Tribal man… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

[Starts with TNT Movie Night intro]

Male voice: You’re watching TNT Movie Night. And now, back to the 1983 classic, Escape from Jungle Island.

[Cut to three people in the jungle]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones! Look! The Forbidden Temple of lost souls.

Dr. Bones: Excellent work, Shortlong. And you were a very talented translator Mrs. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Actually, it’s Ms. Reece, Dr. Bones. [Ms. Reece is feeling Dr. Bones’s muscles] I hope we share many more adventures together.

Dr. Bones: Well, let’s keep it professional, Ms. Reece. We have to retreat the priceless Yulu-Yulu crystal and get off the jungle island. There’s gotta be a lever here. There’s always a lever.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Uma-Uma-Uma. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Shortlong’s neck.]

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Dr. Bones! Dr. Bones. I’ve been hit by a poisonous dart.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, no!

Shortlong: This is the end of the line for me, Dr. Bones. I’m a goner.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you still have a chance. I’ll suck the poison out.

[Dr. Bones is sucking Shortlong’s neck.]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, sweet kiss!

[Cut to Dr. Bones and Shortlong. Dr. Bones sucks the poison out of Shortlong’s neck. Shortlong survives.]

Dr. Bones: There. Feel better, Shortlong?

Shortlong: Dr. Bones. You saved my life.

Dr. Bones: Ah! Well, I’d do the same thing for all my friends.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Really? Oh, well. [Ms. Reece acts as she’s been hit by a dart on her lips] Oh, no. I’m hit too. Right on my soft lips. You both heard it. Oh!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: I don’t see a dart, Ms. Reece.

Ms. Reece: Ya, but you’re just a guy. Maybe Dr. Boner should look.

Dr. Bones: It was probably a mosquito.

[Cut to another tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Bali-bali-bali. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s chest.]

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Bones: Ah! I’m hit. I’m hit right in the chest.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, I’ll suck it out. Me!

[Cut to everybody]

Shortlong: No, no, no, no! Ms. Reece. Dr. Bones saved my life. Now, I must return the favor. It’s guy code.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, do you see the wound?

Shortlong: No.

[Dr. Bones is unbottoning his shirt.]

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: No.

Dr. Bones: How about now?

Shortlong: Ah! He hit you right on the nipple.

Dr. Bones: Oh! Quick! Shortlong!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, give me! Give me!

Dr. Bones: Suck the poison out with your mouth.

[Cut to Shortlong sucking on Dr. Bones’s nipple]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Wait! What if you blow into that nipple while I suck on the other one? Will that work? Let me try that, please?

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Already done.

Dr. Bones: Shortlong, you’re a true friend.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Are you sure you got all the poison? Someone should check to make sure–

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: Good idea, Ms. Reece.

[Shortlong sucks on Dr. Bones’s nipple again]

[Shortlong spits out]

There you go. I got it all.

Dr. Bones: Now, let’s open this door and retrieve that crystal.

[Cut to a tribal man in the bush]

Tribal man: Feti-feti-feti-feti. [Tribal man shoots Shortlong with a dart on Dr. Bones’s butt.]

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! He hit me in the rear!

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, damn! I got you.

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Shortlong: No, no, no, Ms. Reece. I’m close to Dr. Bone. By the time you get over here, the poison will enter his blood stream.

Dr. Bones: He’s right, Ms. Reece. I appreciate you trying to help. But it has to be Shortlong. He’s slightly closer and time is of the essence.

[Shortlong sucks poison out of Dr. Bones’s butt.]

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: I can hold his butt firmly for you, you know? So you can just focus on getting the poison out.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Oh, there’s so much poison Dr. Bones.

Dr. Bones: Don’t stop sucking Shortlong until it’s all out.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Um, we can take shifts. I go now, you go when I’m done tomorrow.

[Cut to Shortlong and Dr. Bones]

Shortlong: Already done. It was so hard to get a good seal. His skin is so tight!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: I owe you one, Shortlong.

[Cut to two tribal men]

Tribal men: Dali-dali-dali!

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Aim over here, and I’ll make you very rich men.

[Tribal men shoot Shortlong and Dr. Bones with a dart on their penis.]

[Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece]

Dr. Bones: Ah! We both were shot right between the legs.

[Cut to Ms. Reece]

Ms. Reece: Oh, no! And it all falls on me because only one can be saved. Oh, no! [Cut to Shortlong, Dr. Bones and Ms. Reece] Farewell brave Shortlong.

Dr. Bones: No! We can save each other. Shorlong, quick! Cartwheel up to me.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones are sucking on each other cartwheeling.]

Ms. Reece: Let me in there! Let me in there!

Dr. Bones: They’ll be out in 15 minutes.

[Shortlong and Dr. Bones leave and the tribal men come and take Ms. Reece away.]

Pepboys

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a video of Starbucks]

Female voice: Last week, Starbucks created the Race Together campaign, which encourage all the baristas across the country to start a dialog with their customers about race. It was a way to open minds and share thoughts. All over coffee. And we think Starbucks is on the right track.

[Cut to Pep Boys mechanics]

So, we at Pep Boys are starting a conversation too. This month, all Pep Boys mechanics are encouraged to start a dialog with you, the customer, about gender and sexual identity. As part of Pep Boys new Genderflect campaign.

[Cut to a Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Bobby: Listen, I should pull up whatever people wanna do. Like, if you were guy and you wanted to be a girl, that’s great. But me personally, I could never cut off my [bleep]

[The customer is confused and speechless]

Female voice: Because if we don’t talk about these issues, who will?

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Beck:  gotta question for you. You gay, right?

Colin: Yes, I am.

Beck: So, are you allowed to say, like, “That’s gay?”

Colin: I guess I can.

Beck: Oh, man! You are so lucky.

[Beck telling to his fellow staff at the counter] He get’s to say, “That’s gay!”

Kyle: Oh, so lucky.

Female voice: Our mechanics are ready to start a conversation with you about complex intersex issues.

[Cut to another Pep Boy staff talking to a customer]

Aidy: If you got both parts down there, then be proud. If I had both, I’d be doing myself all day long.

[Kate doesn’t want to listen]

Kate: Please go get my car.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: You know what my favorite show is? Ellen. That’s important because she used to be a man.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Jay: Yes, she did.

Kate: No, she didn’t.

Aidy: Yeah, she was a man.

Kate: Will you go get my car?

[cut to Aidy writing ‘Genderflect’ on a car’s windscreen.]

Female voice: Because Pep Boys knows that the only thing more important than your car is taking the time to genderfy.

[Cut to Kyle talking to a customer]

Kyle: I think my cousin’s kid got born wrong. Well, not wrong, you know? Coz that’s the thing, you know? It’s not wrong if it’s right the hip.

Sasheer: Uh-huh! Okay.

Kyle: Anyway. Your car is totaled.

Sasheer: What?

Female voice: Pep Boys.

Male voice: Or girls, or that third kind where you’re both.

[Cut to Aidy and Jay hugging Kate]

Kate: So, do I need new break pads or?

New Disney Movie

Pete Davidson

Bambi… Dwayne Johnson

Thumper… Taran Killam

Flower, Ludacris … Jay Pharoah

Faline… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Disney movie teasers.]

Male voice: Walt Disney has brought the magic back by turning your favorite animated classics into live action. And in 2016, Disney brings you the biggest remake yet.

[Cut to Pete pinning a sign on a wood. The sign says ‘Hunting Season’.]

[A car stops behind him. Bambi walks out of the car.]

Pete: Who the hell are you?

[Cut to Bambi. He has big ears and is smoking.]

Bambi: I’m Bambi.

[Bambi starts shooting guns]

Male voice: From the duet of Furious 7, comes a new Disney Classic on Over Drive. Bambi. Starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Bambi.

[Bambi visits his mom’s graveyard]

Bambi: When I was a boy, they took away my mother.

[Cut to a deer hung on a wall]

[Cut to a boy screaming “Mommy”]

Now, it’s time for them to pay. Deerly!

[Cut to Thumper walking in. He has rabbit ears too.]

Male voice: Vin Diesel as Thumper.

[Cut to Bambi and Thumper]

Bambi: Why do they call you Thumper?

Thumper: Coz I’m always thumping.

Bambi: You’re always what?

Thumper: I’m always thumping.

Bambi: Yeah, yeah! It’s always something, huh?

Thumper: No. I’m always normal.

[Cut to Flower]

Male voice: Tyrese Gibson as Flower.

Flower: I smell bad, but I look good. Wow!

[Cut to Faline running and shooting.]

Male voice: And Michelle Rodriguez as Faline, AKA, the girl Bambi.

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline planning]

Bambi: They call themselves Tanglewood. They’re a hunting club. They kill for sport. Like it or not, we’re part of the game. Me, you and all our forest friends.

Thumper: I ain’t got friends. I got a herd.

Faline: It’s a suicide mission.

Bambi: Well, if we’re going out, we’re going out together.

Thumper: One last ride.

Flower: Whoow!

[A butter flies by and sits on Bambi’s nose]

[Cut to Bambi, Thumper, Flower and Faline walking with the guns going for the mission.]

[Cut to Bambi enters Tanglewood. There are two men sitting on sofas.]

Bambi: What’s the matter? Never seen a deer in the headlights?

[There is crossfire between the Tanglewood men and the animals]

Kyle: Where are they?

Bobby: When you see them, give me a sign.

[Cut to Bambi]

Bambi: Here’s the sign. Deer crossing mother-[bleep] [Bambi jumps and shoots]

Male voice: Bambi! Featuring the new single from Ludacris, “Wham, Bam, Bambi.”

[Cut to Ludacris music video]

Ludacris: [rapping] Wham, Bam, Bambi… Luda!

Male voice: Disney, Bambi. Get bucked, June 2016.

Interrogation Room

Barn… Venessa Bayer

Mr. Lanly… Taran Killam

Dunwudy… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a guy in a interrogation room.]

Barn: Mr. Lanly. I am agent Barn. This is agent Dunwudy. So, we’ve certainly been busy haven’t we?

Mr. Lanly: I want my lawyer.

Barn: We’ll get to that.

Mr. Lanly: Where is my lawyer?

Dunwudy: Cool out, hot ball!

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: First, let me just review your organization’s accomplishments. Drug trafficking, illegal arms dealing. Should I keep reading?

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: I don’t know anything.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly and Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: That is a lie so big that it could fit in a box that could hold a million hats.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Now, as fascinating as you are Mr. Lanly, we’re far more interested in your boss Eddie Coldoron.

Mr. Lanly: Never heard of the guy.

Dunwudy: Oh, you wanna play games? Go, ride ahead because we’re not going anywhere. And I have to pee right now but I can hold it all day. All day. One time I held it through an entire production of Rent with the original cast.

Barn: Can you just– You can either continue to cooperate or continue to play dumb. I suggest you choose the former.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Or how about you give me a kiss with those pretty red lips.

[Cut to all three]

Dunwudy: She would never kiss you. No! Because she’s dating a guy named Jeff. And he’s the best.

Barn: Mr. Lanly, you are in no position to play games.

Mr. Lanly: I’m not playing games. I’m an innocent man.

Dunwudy: Hey! Darthy! Do you really expect us to just stand here and follow your big lies?

Mr. Lanly: Look, I’d like some water, please.

Dunwudy: Does this look like your gorgeous cheesecake factory to you?

Mr. Lanly: No, it looks like an interrogation room. So, where’s my water?

Dunwudy: Your water’s in the garbage can which is also where your house is.

Mr. Lanly: Excuse me?

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: Your employer, Mr. Linly. Help us get Coldoron and we may just be able to make something work out for you.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: You know, wearing that blouse, I can kind of see down your shirt.

Dunwudy: Hey! Idiot! Idiot! She has a boyfriend Jeff, remember? And Jeff is the coolest! And his house is awesome and his snacks are the best. Okay? You would never get invited to Jeff’s. Not now, not ever. Don’t even think about asking.

Mr. Lanly: Why so much Jeff stuff?

Barn: Okay. [Cut to Barn] Well, we have you associate in the next room and he seems very interested in selling you out to protect himself. So, we’ll go pay him a little visit.

[Barn stands]

Dunwudy: Barn, just let me have a minute.

[Dunwudy sits on the chair]

Barn: Okay, I just think–

Dunwudy: No. Just trust me. Just trust me. Trust me! Hey there Looney Tune.

Mr. Lanly: How am I a Looney Tune?

Dunwudy: Said the biggest Looney Tune I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Lanly: Okay.

[Cut to Dunwudy]

Dunwudy: Look at you, man! You’re just sitting there in handcuffs. So, no one told you that you’re life was gonna be this way! And now your job’s a joke and you’re broke and your love life’s DOA! It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear.

[Cut to all three]

Mr. Lanly: Yeah, that’s clearly the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. theme song.

Dunwudy: Friends, it’s friends, which is what you and Jeff will never be.

[Cut to Mr. Lanly]

Mr. Lanly: Okay, you know what? Enough about Jeff. I’ll talk but I want full immunity and I only talk to her, not this guy.

[Cut to all three]

Barn: Okay, I think we can make that work.

Dunwudy: Yeah, great! Great! Coz I’m gonna grab a tape recorder, okay? So, you just sit there and you watch your new favorite TV show called The Wall.

Mr. Lanly: Alright, seriously. Quit while you’re ahead.

Dunwudy: Yeah, yeah! I know, okay? Coz, I’ll be there for you. Alright?

[cheers and applause]

Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.]

[three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping]

[Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]