Tag: Season 40

Dwayne Johnson’s Franchise Viagra Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Sasheer Zamata

Cecliy Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…

[music playing]

[Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]

“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.

[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson

Yo, check this out,

put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”

Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast

Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: What about the new Batman?

Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane

Back up singers: That’s insane!

Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.

Sasheer: The 7th sense

Kate: The 8th Samurai

Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?

Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.

Kate: Sister Act 3?

Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me

Sasheer: Toy Story 4?

Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more

Aidy: Another Smurf movie?

Dwayne Johnson: No!

[audience laughing]

[music stops]

Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.

Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow

Cecily: Boyhood 2?

Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked

Aidy: The dead gets rude

Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!

Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking

[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.]

[music stops]

Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?

[mus starts]

Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise

Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!

[money raining on them]

Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Dinner Date

Venessa Bayer

Jin… Kenan Thompson

Judy… Dwayne Johnson

Jemma… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Venessa and Jin having dinner together at a restaurant]

Venessa: Jin, this dinner was amazing. What a perfect anniversary.

Jin: Oh, anything for you sweetheart.

[Judy and Jemma walk to Venessa and Jin]

Judy: Oh, ho! Oh, my god! Jin, this is crazy! You recognize me?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

This is nuts. I feel like just got F-ed in my brain without protection.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having trouble placing you.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Judy Duty. Remember? We sent that guy to the chair together.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Oh, yeah.

Venessa: You sent a guy to the chair?

Jin: Well, I didn’t want to. I just needed it to end.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Ay, can we join you? Oh, we should. Oh, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Jemma. She’s British. Ay, but don’t get a boner when she talks, huh?

Jemma: [in British accent] Babe, don’t tuck me out so much. I’m Jemma. Okay, babe, let’s sit. I’m so hungry.

Judy: Scoot over lady. You got pretty of space. I don’t want to crunch him in and pop the bones back out your back.

Jemma: Okay, gross! Picturing you like that.

Judy: Oh, I’m sorry babe. I’m such a big bag of freaking meat balls. Ay, did I introduce you to my girl?

Jemma: Hi, I’m Jemma.

Venessa: Yes, we did this.

Judy: Yeah, yeah. She’s British. Tell em’ who you used to date.

Jemma: Footballers.

Judy: Isn’t that hot? Footballers. Makes you think about what she might do with her foot to you boy. Isn’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um…

Jemma: Babe! I want some nibble. Get some babe.

Judy: Oh, she means apps. She says nibbles. Hey, say it again.

Jemma: Nibbles.

Judy: A-ha-ha-ha. I’m as hard as a door knob right now. You know what I mean? You Jin? How about you?

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Umm… um…

Venessa: You’re not hard, are you Jin?

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Well, we need the apps. Where is the app guy? Where is the guy? The apps guy. We’re starving.

Jemma: Nibbles.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: We’re actually just finishing dessert and we were about to head home.

[Cut to everybody]

Judy: Yeah, it’s a bone, right? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ain’t that right, Jin?

Jin: Um, possibly.

Jemma: Nibbles. I want nibbles now.

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Ay, you guys have heard about onion rings? You gonna love em’.

[Waiter comes by]

Ay, you! How much are the onion rings? Like 25 cents a ring, right?

Waiter: We don’t really do it that way.

Jemma: Let’s get 200s.

Judy: Ha-ha. Babe, that’s like $800.

Jemma: Yeah, we can split it with them.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: Oh, no.

Jin: No.

[Cut to Judy, Jemma and Waiter]

Judy: Ay, yeah. Cool. Give me 200 onion rings, split it four ways. And quick checking out my girlfriend’s rack, hah!

Waiter: Okay.

Jemma: Babe, knock it off. [Cut to everybody] Quit being a mob.

Judy: She’s being shy. Isn’t that great? Is your’s shy? What’s her name?

Venessa: My name is–

Judy: No, no, no, no. I asked him. Ay, is she shy?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Jemma: Don’t be shy. Women have to stand out girl power.

Judy: Ay, my girl likes your girl. They should be best friends now, right? Hey, do you wanna be best friends with that girl?

Jemma: Yeah, I really think so.

Judy: Jin, are you crazy stiff right now? I mean, that’s our girlfriends right. They’re like, best friends.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Venessa: You guys, it has been great running into you. But–

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you know what? She’s a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer. I’ve got a song called banana.

Judy: It’s a crazy hot club song. Imagine the track in the background.

[Judy starts banging on the sofa and Jemma starts singing.]

Jemma: [singing] Going out with my girls tonight

having fun with my girls tonight

big banana, long banana, short banana, white banana

let’s get bananas

five, four, three, two, banana.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]
Judy: Wow, how good was that?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: If you don’t have a boner right now, you should just kill yourself.

[Cut to Venessa and Jin]

Jin: Nah, I’m good.

Venessa: Does that mean you have one?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter brings in the onion rings in a huge tray.]

Judy: Whoa! Hang on here. Hang on.! Who is this guy? Who is this guy looking at us like this?

Waiter: I’m your waiter. Remember? You just ordered 200 onion rings.

[Waiter puts the tray on the table]

Judy: You know what? I think you wanna kiss my girlfriend right in front of me. Like, I’m the joke of the day. I’ve got something for you. Come here.

[Judy pulls Waiter byhis collar and smashes his head on the table. Waiter faints.]

Jemma: Babe, is this an onion ring? That’s not what I thought. I don’t like this. It’s like, all onion. I can’t have onion.

Judy: Oh, well now what?

Jemma: Let’s give them to her.

[Cut to Venessa an Jin]

Jin: Yeah, she’ll eat em’.

Venessa: What?

[Cut to Judy and Jemma]

Judy: Yeah, yeah. We’ll just all hang out while she eats all these onion rings. And then when she’s done, then we’ll all leave.

Jemma: [clapping] Eat em’. Eat em’ up!

[Cut to everybody

Jin: Yeah. Start eating please.

[Venessa eats one onion ring]

Jemma: One! [claps]

[Venessa eats another onion ring]

Two! [claps]

[cheers and applause]

Cooking With Paul

Paul Montane… Kenan Thompson

Mitch… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with Cooking with Paul intro]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for Cooking with Paul. [Cut to Paul cooking in the kitchen] Paul Montane is a James Beard Award winning chef. And a three times convicted sex offender.

Paul: Well, hello there folks. Today, we’re gonna be cooking my famous garlic mashed potatoes and rosemary time chicken. With me as always is my sidekick Mitch.

[Mitch walks in]

Mitch: I’m not your sidekick, Paul I’m your probation officer.

Paul: We do banter though, don’t we?

[Mitch stares at Paul]

Okay. Now, let’s start cooking. The first thing you need to do is boil some water. You gotta put the pot on the stove. Turn on the gas. That’s gonna take about five minutes. So, you gotta little time to kill. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet, check out some chat rooms.

Mitch: No, no, no, no. You are not allowed on the internet, Paul.

Paul: Okay. So, now we’re gonna sprinkle a little rosemary onto our chicken. That’s right. We’re gonna go ahead and pour on our saute onions. Yeah, I like that. Now, we’re gonna place that whole pan in the oven. Turn it up to 400 degrees and wait for it to turn brown.

[Paul puts the chicken in the over]

Okay, now you let that sit for about 30 minutes. Got a little time. So, why don’t we go ahead and just pop around on the internet and meet a couple of buddies?

Mitch: No, Paul. Hell no.

Paul: I’m not doing anything. I’m just looking at Master Chef Junior.

Mitch: Those are not chefs, Paul

Paul: Okay. Now, let’s check on our pot of water. It’s boiling. So we need to put in the potatoes. Okie, dokie. [Paul puts the potatoes n the pot] We’re gonna let these sit for about four minutes. So we got a little time.

Mitch: No!

Paul: Pop around on the internet and meet some folks.

Mitch: No, no, no. That’s it. I’m taking this computer away.

Paul: Okay. [Paul takes out another computer] Dip, dip, dip.

Mitch: Paul! Paul!

Paul: Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I accidentally set it to 4,000 degrees instead of 400.

[smoke is coming out of the oven.]

Mitch: Dammit, Paul. Call the fire department.

[Mitch leaves]

Paul: Okay. Calling the fire department. [Paul takes his phone out and dials a number looking at the computer.] 2125550187.

[talking on the phone]

Hello, Mrs. Henderson. Is Billy at home?

Mitch: Paul! Paul! Hang up the phone.

[Mitch comes in with a fire extinguisher and uses it in the oven.]

Paul: Mitch! You are no fun.

Mitch: Well, I’m not paid to be fun, Paul.

Paul: Well, that makes me sad you saying that.

Mitch: Well, it makes me sad that you hit it out in the well of a porter party just to take pictures of people’s butts.

Paul: Okay. Now, you know, let’s get our ingredients together. We’re going to put in our butter here. And then we’re gonna dump in some of this on top of that. Then we go on a computer and go to your favorite site–

Mitch: No, no! No!

Paul: Okay!

[The timer clock tings]

Well, that’s all the time we have. We didn’t finish cooking the meal. But let’s all close our eyes and imagine what it tastes like.

[Mitch closes his eyes]

[Paul runs away]

Mitch: Hey, get back here!

Circus with Kyle

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with 1 with a mic on a circus stage but there is no audience]

Kyle: Dude [mumbling] jaw drop. Clowns, it’s funny faces and animals walk around. It can wild and sometimes sweet. It’s circus. Let’s talk to some people and see what it really is, the most fun thing they’ve ever had. Hey, [mumbling] I think I’m gonna have fun we’re doing this one.

[Cut to a video bumper of “Circus with Kyle”]

[Cut to 1 interviewing a little girl]

Kyle: Ready for big circus to come to your town?

The girl: Yes.

Kyle: What’s [mumbling]

[The girl is scared and hides behind her dad.]

Ay, that’s okay.

[Cut to a video bumper]

[Cut to a dad helping his son to answer Kyle]

Dad: What are you here to mainly to see?

The boy: The circus.

Dad: Yeah, I know. The circus. But what part of the circus?

The boy: I don’t know.

Dad: What’s your favorite part of the circus?

The boy: I don’t know.

Dad: Well, what did you like before? Like, when you were young? Now you’re an old man.

Kyle: It’s okay. It’s okay.

[Father and son slowly walk away from 1]

Some things are better [mumbling] not really get involved in.

[Cut to a video of clowns dancing in a line. 1 is also in the line.]

[Cut to 1 interviewing a little boy.]

Kyle: It’s like watching a great–

Boy’s mother: It’s like watching the circus.

[Cut to a video bumper]

[Cut to 1 asking a young boy]

Kyle: You think it’ll be one of the most daring flight of the night? Take the clowns, the rest of the night. That’s your left?

The boy: Um, not really.

Kyle: Oh, yeah? Um, I guess I never really– I guess I never really thought of it that way.

[The boy is silent and doesn’t speak]

[Cut to a video bumper]

[Cut to 1 asking a little boy]

Kyle: So, we were thinking someday we’d see you up there.

The boy: How would it be impressive like go up there one day?

Kyle: I think you have– I think you got it in you. I think in fact we’re all rooting for you.

The boy: I doubt that.

[Cut to a video bumper]

[Cut to 1 talking to two kids]

The boy: Is this your microphone?

Mom: Yes.

The boy: Oh!

Mom: No, let him hold it and you just talk.

Kyle: It kind of lacks professionalism. Just answer the question.

The boy: I don’t know a thing.

Kyle: Yeah. That’s a- that’s a- That’s a waste on that one. It’s just not even [mumble]

[Cut to a video bumper]

[Cut to 1 walking to a guy who has a light sword.]

Kyle: Hey, looks like you got pretty good swings over there.

The boy: I don’t want to.

[Cut to a video bumper]

[Cut to 1 with a clown]

Kyle: I’m looking at you [mumbling]

The clown: Oh yeah. I just keep on going. I got so much energy. Whooo! Yeah, it’s great.

Kyle: This is kind of awkward.

Brogaine

Kyle Mooney

Abraham… Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cashier… Kenan Thompson

Dr. Erkhart… Dwayne Johnson

[Starts with a house party]

[Kyle sees Abraham. He’s wearing a cap.]

Kyle: Yo, Abraham! You’re up? Keg stand!

Abraham: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Abraham doing the keg stand and Kyle and Pete holding his legs.]

Everybody: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

[Abraham finishes the drink and stand up. His cap falls off. He’s bald.]

Abraham: Whoo! Whoo!

[Everyone is looking him in awkward way]

What?

Pete: Abraham. Are you bald?

[Cut to Abraham denying.]

Abraham: No!

[Abraham runs out of the crowd and sits on the stairs alone.]

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Hey! Sorry about back there.

Abraham: It just sucks. No one wants to be the bald guy in the frat.

Kyle: I know. That’s why I use this.

[Kyle hands over a box to Abraham]

Abraham: Brogaine? For college age guys?

Kyle: You know, I was like you once.

[Cut to Kyle when he was bald walking to the college.]

Honestly, I felt like a creep around campus.

[Cut to Sasheer walking smiling. But when she sees Kyle, she makes her face salty.]

I couldn’t even get anyone to check my fake ID.

[Cut to bald Kyle buying a liquor. He tries to show the cashier his ID.]

Cashier: Oh, that’s not necessary, sir. [talking to another customer] Young man, have your ID out and ready.

[Cut to an old man standing beside Kyle.]

Kyle: That’s when my doctor told me about Brogaine.

[Cut to the doctor who is also bald.]

He explained pretty much your balding can be caused by stress brought on by things like midterms, nerds, think your frat dog may be alcoholic and you chanted the N-word in a viral video. The Brogaine helps fight hair loss by combining the hair growing properties of Minoxidil with other useful chemicals like creatine, vicodin and bud heavy.

[Cut to Kyle and Abraham]

Abraham: Wow, so it really does work, huh?

[The doctors walks in. He has very long hair.]

Dr. Erkhart: Ha-ha. It worked for me.

Kyle: Dr. Erkhart?

Dr. Erkhart: [looking at the party] So, um, we doing this?

Male voice: Brogaine, it’s nice!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Dating in New York

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, dating is very complicated wherever you live. But specially here in New York city. Here to offer her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woooo!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you Colin. Nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Very nice to have you back, Leslie. Now, tell us. Is it hard dating in New York?

Leslie Jones: Man, everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold, Colin? Why?

Colin Jost: I think coz it’s winter.

Leslie Jones: Don’t be cute with me you frosty ass snowman. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of walking, Jost.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Good transition.

Leslie Jones: I gotta stretch before I go to a store. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And y’all New Yorkers, y’all don’t know how to get directions. Yeah, yeah, “A couple of blocks.” It’s 5 miles! I was supposed to meet a man at a restaurant that one of you New Yorkers said it’s couple of blocks away, and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in ‘Shining’. Don’t ‘couple of blocks’ me no more. These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than blocks, father? I’ve been on 5th avenue for ten hours. When is it gonna turn to 6th?

And stop trying to explain this east, west stuff to me, okay? Coz I’m not gonna get it. “If you get to 6th street, you’re on the west.” [yelling] I’m not gonna get it! The last east, west stuff I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.

And the subway? Subway just nasty. I was standing on a subway platform on a date and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill everybody! That rat faeces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date– my date– This guy who I thought I liked is standing there like, “Ooh! Doesn’t the breeze feel good?” [yelling] No! Shut up! We just died here! We just got rat AIDS.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Couple of problems with rat AIDS.

Leslie Jones: And you know what? You know what? In here, I got to compete with these white beautiful New York bitches. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And none of y’all scared of me. At all! I used to be able to scare the hell out of a white girl in LA. Just walk up to them, give my best Compton stare. Not out here! You white bitches are strong. I bumped into a white girl on a train and I was like, “Yo! Yo! What’s up?” And she was like, “Yeah, bitch? What? What?” I was like, “Oh, my god! I am so sorry.” She turned me into the white girl, Jost.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Damn!

Leslie Jones: Shut up! Don’t you ever say that again!

Colin Jost: I won’t. Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] It’s cold!

Weekend Update Girl at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was reported today that Boko Haram has joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS. Here with her thoughts on the subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at the party.

[The girl slides in]

The girl: Alright Michael. Thank me for having you back.

Michael Che: Thank– Alright, sure. Whatever. So, what do you think about this Boko Haram situation?

The girl: What do I think about it? [Cut to The girl] I think it is inexcusitive, okay? It’s a cardastrophy! It’s unremaginable! Just look at the sadistics, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

For every 10 people, there are 20 people. And what? We’re just supposed to give them all the death penalty? No! Like, American needs to grow up. But also, it needs to look like 15 years younger.

[Cut to The girl using her mobile phone]

I just friended you. Accept me.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. Is this still about Boko Haram?

The girl: Open your eyes, Michael. Measles, Ebola, charter school. Sometimes I’m like, Salami Hussain was right. [Cut to The girl] And then healthcare? Everyone’s talking about HMOs. Um, how about just calling them gay people?

[Cut to The girl Michael Che and The girl]

Michael Che: Okay, I don’t think anyone is following what the hell you are sayin.

The girl: Michael! How would you feel if I went into your neighborhood and burned your house down?

Michael Che: I’d feel bad.

The girl: Exactly! And that’s exactly how they feel.

Michael Che: Who?

The girl: Fires! [Cut to The girl] If you took all the homeless women in the world and set them on top of each other, pffft. Zynga, Michael. Zynga.

[Cut to Michael Che and The girl]

So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright, fine! Fine. I need to give you this thing my friend Rhodney printed out. It’s a map quest directions. Like, nobody knows where it leads.

Michael Che: It says it on here. It’s direction to Forever 21.

The girl: By the way, Michael, what are you doing for spring break?

Michael Che: Oh, I might go to Puerto Rico.

The girl: Oh, I’m bringing democracy to Syria. Via Instagram. Oh look, it’s Karina. Karina! Are you dancing? Oh, she’s having a tiny seizure.

Michael Che: Okay, I think you just need to go.

The girl: Yeah! Actually, I do need to go Michael. Coz some of us are actually solving progress. [audience laughing] Coz if we don’t, in 800 years our children won’t even be alive. So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright. Now, close your eyes. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open them. [Michael Che opens his eyes] Close them. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open just the left. [Michael Che opens his left eye] Wink at me. [Michael Che winks at The girl] Congratulations, that’s assault.

Michael Che: The girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation at the party, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jordan.]

Michael Che: Still scares the hell out of me. This year, Michael Jordan was added to Forbes magazine’s list of billionaires. Forbes also added Scotty Pittman to their list of people who sell [Picture changes to Scott Pittman showing the Forbes magazine] Forbes Magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Justin Bieber on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old but his mustache thinks he turned 13.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Potential republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice because many people go to prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay. Kind of like how in that last sentence, Dr. Carson went in as a neurosurgeon and came out as a complete idiot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice. Carson made the comments to himself over and over in the men’s locker room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dr. Ben Carson, a candidate for president said that homosexuality is a choice. Unfortunately for him, so are elections.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sorry. I guess we were piling on a little bit there.

Michael Che: A little bit.

Colin Jost: This just ends. Dr. Ben Carson, [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson] a candidate for president is no longer candidate for president.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana and cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctor– No, I’m just kidding. [audience laughing] Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug in his car inside a container that was marked, “Not weed”. It was marked “Not weed”. The police pulled him in over after he sped by their car which was also marked “Not police”. [Picture changes to a car that looks exactly like a cop car but it has ‘Not Police’ written on it.]

[Picture changes to a bottle.]

Scientists have discovered a 170 years old beer in a shipwreck off the coast of Finland, opened two of the bottles and drank them. At which point they made another discovery, they’re both alcoholics.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paxil medicine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, the anti-depressant Paxil may also be capable of treating heart disease. Which explains Paxil’s new slogan, “Paxil, maybe this is what it does?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a little boy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, about fifteen% of two year olds in Boston drink as much as four ounces of coffee a day. But Boston kids need that coffee to help them get through their hangovers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: You know, I like that joke. I feel like you get all the fun jokes.

Michael Che: Oh, stop it.

Colin Jost: No, I’m serious. Sometimes I wish I could do your jokes instead.

Michael Che: Alright. You can take my next one if you want to.

Colin Jost: You sure? You don’t mind?

Michael Che: I don’t care.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a scale at left top corner.]

A new report reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 36 inches.

Michael Che: Wait a minute.

Colin Jost: 3.6. I never saw this before. 3.6, that’s more reasonable. [audience laughing] A guy can dream.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: See? My jokes are harder to read. [laughing]

Colin Jost: And, let me just say, as a man with extremely small penis– okay.

Michael Che: No, no. Keep going, keep going.

Colin Jost: I feel very bad for myself and my tinsy winsy peensy.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was great job, man.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks man. I don’t even understand. How is that even a joke?

Michael Che: Well, its a joke when I read it because I don’t have a tiny penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s 36 inches.

Michael Che: It was. [Michael Che laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that New York city rats contain flees that are capable of transmitting bubonic plague. It’s a rare black eye for the otherwise sterling reputation of the flees of New York city rats.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Department of Justice logo at right top corner.]

According to a Justice Department report on Ferguson police, African American’s make up 93% of all arrest in the city. 93%? That is high. It’s only 92% in Nigeria. 93% means, if 92 people get arrested in Ferguson, 9 of them are black and one of them is kind of beige. I wanna know what did the 7% of white people get arrested for? What was it? Not arresting enough black people?

The review found that 88% of the cases involving the use of force were against African Americans. Black residents say they found the police report almost as shocking as they found the police tasers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hillary Clinton tweeted this week that she has asked the State Department to release all of her emails from her years as Secretary of State. No word yet on the identity of the lucky individual who has to read through 50,000 emails from a grandma. I’m just excited because based on the emails I get from my grandma, there’s gonna be some pretty interesting stuff about Obama.

[Picture changes to an email where subject is as “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: KENYAN:”.]

[Picture changes to Benjamin Netanyahu]

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address congress about the threat from Iran. And he left as the front runner for the 2016 republican nomination.

[Picture changes to an airplane]

A Delta airplane skidded off a snowy runway while landing at New York’s Laguardia airport slamming through a fence and almost falling into the bay. But the good news is, [Picture changes to a pilot with a glass of whiskey] the pilot didn’t even spill his drink. Afterwards, passengers were safely removed from the airplane, at which point Delta charged them $45 crash survival fee.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow in the shape of the dress to represent affairs with Monica Lewinsky. Also, it’s suttle, but if you look very closely at the painting, you can see that Clinton is not wearing pants.

The House with Chris Hemsworth

Chase… Beck Bennett

Eric… Chris Hemsworth

Bryan… Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with Chase and Eric watching a movie]

Chase: Man, what a good movie.

Eric: Yeah.

Chase: You done ordering some food?

Eric: eah, I’m gonna go and take a shower. So, let’s pick somewhere to eat when I get back.

Chase: Cool. I’ll look through some menus.

[Eric leaves and Chase is gong through some menus]

[Bryan walks in]

Bryan: Hey, man. I’m gonna pick up some groceries. I thinking of making dinner tonight.

[Cut to Chase being shocked]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: This is the first time I’ve heard anything about Bryan wanting to get groceries. I might have to tell him that Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Bryan being shocked.]

[Cut to Chase]

Would you wanna get in on that?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Wait, Eric and Chase are ordering food? Now I’m thinking I wanna order food too. I’m really confused.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Bryan: Hey, man. We need to talk.

Chase: Yeah. What’s up?

Bryan: I was thinking about ordering that food stuff. And I think– I think I definitely wanna order food with you guys.

Chase: Nice.

[Chase and Bryan hug each other]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Wow! It’s cool to have somebody in the house that I can finally be myself around.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Cool if I put my feet up?

Bryan: No problem. Just be yourself.

[Chase puts his feet up on the table.]

[Eric walks in]

Eric: Hey, Chase. I’m out of the shower and ready to decide where to order from.

[Eric looks at Chase and Bryan and become shocked.]

Wait, Bryan?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Bryan wasn’t in the living room when I went to take a shower. And now he is? I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Someone wanting to explain to me what’s going on?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. Chase stands.]

Chase: Eric, something happened when you were in the shower.

[Cut to replay of what happened when Eric was not there in black and white.]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Hold up. Earlier, I talked to Chase about getting dinner. Bryan, now you wanna order food too?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Dude!

[Cut to Bryan]

Bryan: Yeah!

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Is this actually happening right now?

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Welcome to the house.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Wait, wait. I gotta think about this.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan waiting for the answer.]

Bryan, you step forward please.

[Bryan steps forward.]

[Cut to Eric]

I admire you told me the truth. But you said that you wanted to get groceries. And then you changed your mind. Now, I’m not sure I can trust you.

[Cut to Bryan nodding his head.]

Chase, you step forward please.

[Chase steps forward.]

That’s too far. back.

[Chase steps a bit backward.]

To the right a little bit.

[Chase steps right]

[Cut to Eric]

That’s good. Now, you were one of the first people that I decided to order food with, but I’ve questioned your loyalty ever since you cheated on the midnight endurance challenge.

[Cut to midnight endurance challenge. All three of them are standing on logs carrying buckets on the both sides. Chase kicks Eric and Eric falls down.]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Oh, no! Eric fell?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: This is tough.

[Taran walks in. He is wearing a nice suit.]

Taran: Eric. One person has to leave the house tonight. It’s time to make your decision. Who is it going to be?

[suspense music playing]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: The person who has to leave…

[Cut to Chase and Bryan looking at each other.]

the house tonight… is…

[Cut to Eric]

me. I’m going to grocery store and I’m gonna make dinner for everyone.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan getting angry and vandalizing the house]

Male voice: Coming up on “So you think you can live with Brina?”

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Eric’s dinner sucked so he had one last chance to secure the spot in the hosue.

[Cut to Eric singing]

Eric: Five, six, seven, eight…

[singing] You’re making me believe–

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They are the judges.]

Chase: No.

Bryan: No.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Fu–[bleep]