Tag: Season 44

Electric Shoes | Season 44 Episode 16

Lyle Woods… Kyle Mooney

Ida May Avery… Leslie Jones

Jarvis Fillmore… Kenan Thompson

Announcer… Sandra Oh

[Starts with Roots of Rock intro]

[Cut to Lyle Woods in his set]

Lyle Woods: What’s up? Lyle Woods coming at you through the magic of the airwaves. And this is the Roots of Rock. What a wild ride it’s been. Tonight we look at unsung pioneer blues. [Cut to picture of Ida May Avery] Ida May Avery was called the muse of Memphis. [Cut to Lyle Woods] She got her first piano out of an abandoned church from  an old Chrysler Imperial. In 1966 she was invited to perform on the British pop show ‘Wing Dig’. It was memorable night of music that also stax music artist, [Cut to a picture of Jarvis Fillmore] Jarvis Fillmore. [Cut to Lyle Woods] That footage was never available until now. Check it out.

[Cut to black and white video of Jarvis Fillmore playing]

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Electric shoes, they’re on my feet, they feel so sweet, out in the streets
♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, electric shoes
♪they goin rocka- shaka- maybe even daka
♪my electric shoes!

Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage and  the announcer comes to the stage]

Announcer: Jarvis Fillmore, wasn’t that fantastic ladies and gentlemen? Jarvis Fillmore.

Jarvis Fillmore: lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric

[Jarvis Fillmore comes to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, electric shoes
♪a thousand watts, is what I got, and that’s a lot up in my shoes.
♪and that’s so bright, so light, a little bit tight
♪my electric shoes!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage]

[Cut to the announcer with the audience]

Announcer: Just brilliant. Jarvis Fillmore again, ladies and gentlemen. he was a trip, wasn’t he?

Alex Moffat: Incredible. You’re brilliant mate.

Heidi Gardner: Love you, Doll!

Announcer: Indeed. Very, very nice. Now he have an artist—

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick–

Announcer: Oh, he’s still going!

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

[Jarvis jumps in the middle of the crowd here and there]

♪I’m over here
♪Now, I’m over here
♪Now I’m over here
♪Now I’m right here coz I’m so quick
♪And I’m so slick
♪because I got lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric
♪electric electric shoes,

[Jarvis walks up to the stage]

♪they make you move, they make you groove
♪go plug them in, it’s insane
♪tic, tic, tic, tic, tok, tok, tok, tok,
♪tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok
♪my electric shoes

Thank you very much, everybody! Thank you.

[Cut to the announcer with the audience]

Announcer: Jarvis Fillmore smashed it, didn’t he?

Jarvis Fillmore: Lectric-lectric-lectric-lectric

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove

Thank you very much! Thank you very much.

[Jarvis Fillmore walks out of the stage again]

[Cut to Lyle Woods]

Lyle Woods: Jarvis Fillmore played 17 encores that night. But if anyone could follow him, it was Ida May Avery. Take a look.

[Cut to the Announcer and Ida May Avery on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it is a privilege to have an American blues artist Ida May Avery here with us tonight. Performing her powerful song ‘Deliver us to the mountain top’.

Ida May Avery: That’s right. I–

Jarvis Fillmore: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

♪Electric shoes, they make you move, they make you groove, they never snooze
♪never stop you, they rock you, never ever stop you
boom-shaka-laka-laka-lak
♪Electric shoes, they better move, and take you to, they never snooze
♪and that’s so bright, so light, a little bit tight
♪tic, tic, tic, tic, tok, tok, tok, tok,
♪tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok, tok
♪oh! my electric shoes

Thank you very much! Good night!

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage. Announcer and Ida May walk up on the stage]

Announcer: Tremendous! Jarvis Fillmore, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we only have time for –

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Power it up, power it up, power it up! Power, power, power!

[Jarvis Fillmore walks to the stage again]

 ♪Power, power! Power, power! Electric shoes, electric shoes 

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

[Jarvis Fillmore leaves the stage]

[Cut to Lyle Woods]

Lyle Woods: Unfortunately, it took another two hours for Ida May Avery to finally get to perform after Jarvis Fillmore suffered what doctors called blowing out one of his balls. We’ll have that footage on the next show. Keep it weird, people.

[Drums roll. Jarvis Fillmore joins Lyle Wood’s set]

Jarvis Fillmore: ♪Electric shoes you never lose
♪I’m here 15 years later just like a terminator

 

Weekend Update: Apple Card | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of apple card logo at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: This week apple introduced a new credit card, and also a new streaming service, and also, what the hell is apple trying to do. They already listen to everything we say and now they want to control our money and we watch? Who’s the CEO of apple now, [Picture changes to Ike Turner] Ike Turner?

[Picture changes to Alanis Morissette]

Singer Alanis Morissette announced on Instagram Monday that she is pregnant, I guess she forgot to take her jagged little pill.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rob Gronkowski at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: New England patriot, tight end Rob Gronkowski announced he’s retirement from the NFL after nine seasons. Or, as Gron calls it, [Colin shows his six fingers] this many!

[Picture changes to a pregnant woman’s stomach] A 20 old woman in Bangladesh with two uterus’s gave birth to two a twin, 26 days after giving birth to her first child. This according to her vagina suicide note.

[Cut to Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of zebra at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida say that the owner of a pet Zebra shot and killed the animal after it  escaped from it’s enclosure. Finally answering the question, “What’s black and white and red all over?”

[Picture changes to Grindr app’s logo]

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr, which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups, church camps.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And you were worried about the Zebra. McDonald’s has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they order. For example, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself.

[Picture changes to Nicolas Cage]

It was reported that Nicolas Cage is filing for an annulment four days after getting married in Las Vegas. Read more about it in this month’s issue of ‘That sounds about right’.

[Cut to Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of hospital at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. It sounds bad but he’s lucky because Europeans usually don’t leave a tip.

[Picture changes to an SUV]

A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman says she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of denim underwear at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A fashion company is selling a pair of woman’s underwear made out of denim for over $300. Which sounds expensive until you realize they’re made from Jay Leno’s old shirts.

Test Prep | Season 44 Episode 16

Mrs. H… Sandra Oh

Clark… Aidy Bryant

Ramano… Kate McKinnon

Brett… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Mrs. H teaching in class]

Mrs. H: Okay class, let’s focus up. As you know your SAT2s are this weekend, so let’s review. [Cut to Mrs. H] Who can tell me what the metaphor is in Franz Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis”? [Cut to the students] Anyone? [Cut to Mrs. H] Nobody? How about you, Miss Clark?

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: I guess it’s like [Music starts playing] one day you wake up, and everything’s different. You’re not a kid anymore. No more playing with dolls. Now it’s drinking with beer. Plus someone wrote slut on your locker when you haven’t even kissed a boy. And you just want to go back to how thing were, but things didn’t change, you did.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, pretty close, but the answer was, C, Cockroach. A quick reminder that the SAT2s are multiple choice and what you just said will not fit on a Scranton.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Thanks. I guess you’re right. I should become a writer.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Not what I said, but okay. Moving on, who wants to tell me what the lion symbolizes in ‘Julius Ceasar’? Mr. Ramano?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: All right. I’ll play your little game. [Music starts playing] So you’re a guy, right, and you and your friends, you’re like brothers. You do everything together. Break into houseboats, drink and fight, touching my truck and one day they stab you in the back. So you might as well drop out. Forget about college. Because you’re going to toilet school.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Toilet school like to become a plumber.

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Okay, fine, I didn’t read it.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, why not?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Because I can’t read! Is that what you want to hear? I can see the little squiggles but I can’t make them make sound!

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Clark: Hey, that’s called dyslexic. I could teach you.

Ramano: I don’t need your charity.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Well, it’s not like that. Remember, the night by the football house when you showed me what starts were?

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Ramano: Of course. That’s the night I messed around with your best friend.

Clark: That’s right. My mom.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, yikes! There’s a lot going on in this class, but I’m a sub. So I’m just gonna kick this can down the road. Okay, how about we go over some nice, cold math. Nothing emotional there. Brett, what’s the formula for a parabola?

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: Parabola. [Music starts playing] So you start off, and everything is all up, up and away. You’re on top of the world. Number one in the football team! Major leagues baby! No back up plan. And then you start falling. Fast! Hard! And you end up in– you end up in a place that looks a hell of a lot like where you started.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: None of that was math, and I think you know that.

[Cut to Pete holding his paper]

Pete Davidson: Um, hey, Mrs. H, I finished my practice test. Can I go?

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, are you sure you don’t want to do a big emotional speech for us?

[Cut to Pete holding]

Pete Davidson: No, I’m good. Because I have to be good. [music starts playing] Because my old man used to beat my ass. Yes, sir! No, sir!

Mrs. H: Okay, enough. [Cut to Mrs. H]  You kids think you have problems, I’m not even a real teacher! I just fill in when other teachers have babies or hangovers. It’s like I don’t even exist. And I convinced my husband to open up our marriage, and now he’s cleaning up, and I can’t give it away!

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: [Thinking] Wow, I guess I learned a lot today. But the thing I learned the most was each other.

Weekend Update: The Mueller Report | Season 44 Episode 16

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a newspaper article with the headline Mueller Report- No Collusion’ at left top corner of the screen] Well, this week made me feel insane. All the people I was told were bad guys all got away with it. Donald Trump, Jussie Smollett, and worst of all, Duke. [The picture changes to Donald Trump] The big story, of course, was the white O.J. was not indicted for collusion and that Robert Mueller did not reach a conclusion about the whether Trump obstructed justice. Or, as it was reported on Fox News– [Cut to different video clips of Fox News anchors laughing].

[Cut to Colin Jost]

I haven’t seen Fox News anchors smile like that since I.C.E agents pulled into a home depot parking lot. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] So Trump found out he’s not getting indicted in the Russia investigation. And I’m sure that he was grateful that it’s was all over, and he’s just ready to move on.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: All of the democrat politicians, they have to be accountable. [Crowd cheering “Lock them Up”]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow, it’s like if Srooge woke up on Christmas morning, discovered he had a second chance at life, then found tiny Tim and took a crowbar to his good leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller and Donald Trump at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Oh, man, I can’t believe I actually thought for a second that the FBI was going to lock up the sitting president of the United States simply because he was guilty. I think it’s because I’m around white people all the time and white people have this thing I call toxic optimism. It’s the kind of optimism that makes you believe you can get into college because of your mother is [Picture changes to Lori Loughlin] Aunt Becky. I’m sure [Picture changes to Aunt Viv] Aunt Viv’s kids don’t have that much optimism. Black people are just not that optimistic. I said the phrase checks and balances to a black lady, and she rolled her eyes at me for so long, I thought she fell asleep.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left  top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And now that with the Russia probe is over, former white house adviser and the ghost of Russell Crow, Steve Bannon, believes that President Trump will “Come off the chains and go full animal”. And maybe that’s what [Picture changes to Donald Trump] he was doing this week’s rally in Michigan. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to video clips of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: The collusion delusion is over. Little pencil-neck Adam Schiff. They came from the valleys. They came from the mountains. They came out of the damn rivers. I have a better education than them. I’m smarter than them. And I’m President and they’re not. I support the great lakes. Always have. They’re beautiful. They’re big, very deep. Record deepness, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He’s back be, baby! I guess he has gone full animal in the sense those aren’t human sentences. And by the way, he’s absolutely crushing with that crowd. And you know they must really love him, because they sat through this opening act.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump Jr.’s speech]

Donald Trump Jr.: And for this week and this week alone, Maga stands for something a little different. Michael Avenatti got arrested! Maga!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sucks! Imagine being a hard-working Midwest Trump supporter and having to listen to a richie-rich read you his bad tweets for 20 minutes. It’s like paying to see [Picture changes to Metallica poster] Metallica, but first you got to listen to some poems by their kids.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and country flags of the US nadMexico at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: On Friday, President Trump threatened to close the border with Mexico next week saying that, ‘We have run out of space to hold migrants”. Okay, but hear me out, [Picture changes to Wyoming] Wyoming. How can America run out of space? We still got two Dakotas. Most countries don’t even have one.

Cut for Time: College Admissions | Season 44 Episode 16

Debra… Sandra Oh

Conchoclin… Aidy Bryant

Carl… Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of a College]

Cecily Strong: All right guys. As you know, we’re down to the wire. We’ve got to make final decisions [Cut to college admissions meeting] about who gets off the weight list to join the class of 2023.

Carl: Man, [Cut to Carl and Heidi] there are so many qualified candidates but only so few spots.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I know, it’s like my bumble account. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan Thompson: What?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: We’re looking to admit about five more students and in some of the embarrassing news stories out there, let’s be extra careful with our choices.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: We have to make sure it’s all about merit.

Carl: I agree.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, so out first applicant on wait-list is Luisa Rodriguez. [The screen behind Cecily shows Luisa’s picture]  Now her test scores are slightly lower than we like, but her essay are grades are outstanding.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, then I like Luisa a lot.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, me too.

Cecily Strong: Okay, we also have [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Johnny Ferrigno. [The screen behind Cecily shows Johnny’s picture] He is Lou Ferrigno’s grandson.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, let’s do that.

Heidi Gardner: I agree. He Hollywood. He fun.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And I love the idea that Lou Ferrigno might just like, show up on campus one day.  So cool.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Now, his grades were a little low.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Yeah, but when you’re famous like Johnny Ferrigno, people come up to you during test and ask for autographs and selfies. It’s very distracting.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Great. Okay! one down, four to go. Next step is [The screen behind Cecily shows Jackie’s picture] Jackie Keebler, heir to the Keebler Elf’f fortune.

[Cut to everybody]

Carl: She looks qualified to me.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I agree. Very studious and studi-anxious.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And I could see her dating Jerry Ferrigno.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Oh, that would be amazing. The could have their wedding here.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, now, Jackie did have a 2.5 GPA and her only extra curricular was snails.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, but I can tell from the hand holding money that she has a solid business acumen. [Cut to Debra and Kenan] And no one else in the incoming class is focused on snails.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Very true. Snails are weak spot for us.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, great! Two spots filled.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: I do still love Luisa though.

Debra: Luisa is amazing.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Should we keep her in the mix?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: No.

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  So, next step, we have Luke Geofferys whose math SAT score was very low, but then he submitted [The screen behind Cecily shows Luke’s face photoshopped in Stephin Hawkin’s picture] this photo of himself solving a high level physics equation.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And are we sure that’s really him?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, unfortunately we have no way of determining whether it’s really him or not.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And his last name is Geofferys? Any relation to the Giraffe?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: The fictional giraffe from Toys R Us?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Oh, that could be a big donation.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Toys R Us is currently bankrupt, so I would say a donation from their cartoon giraffe is highly unlikely.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well you could also replace our current mascot, the gay redskin.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, it’s gonna be so sad to lose Chief. Oh no, he didn’t.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, sounds like Luke is a yes.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Big time! Big time.

Heidi Gardner: Okay, and I know I’m not supposed to say this about the applicants, but would bang.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay. And next step is Kevin Willet.

[Cut to everybody]

Debra: Huh? That appears to be a mug shot.

Cecily Strong: Yes, it is. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Kevin is currently in juvenile detention for stabbing two of his friends. But he is the fourth generation legacy.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I like that.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, and he’s probably got all the stabbing out of his system.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Well, he sounds like a more exciting version of Luisa.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Yeah, yeah. Luisa hasn’t stabbed anyone yet and I’m starting to that about her.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And listen to her essay. “I would be the first person in my family to go to college.” It’s not a race!

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  It sounds like we’re admitting Kevin. So, we’re down two spots.

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin walks in.]

Conchoclin: Well, I got them for you.

Cecily Strong: Excuse me?

[Cut to Conchoclin, walks to the screen.]

Conchoclin: Yeah. I am coach Conchochlin. I run the women’s crew team. [Cut to everybody] And I have got a couple of primal recruits that you would want to admit asap.

Cecily Strong: Uh-huh. And do we have their applications?

Conchoclin: Oh, you sure do. Throw Madisson Wigles Worth on there.

[Cut to Cecily and Conchoclin. Screen behind them shows Madisson’s picture.]

Cecily Strong: This is our rower?

Conchoclin: Oh, yeah. She’s got a perfect built. 5’1″, 98 pounds, tiny hollow bird bones. I mean she’s liable to rip in or lock.

Cecily Strong: Now, looks like she’s riding a horse.

Conchoclin: Yeah, exactly. So that’s a land boat, is what we call that. And you know, I’ve also been scouting another top-notch gal lady bird Dwayne Reed. [Screen behind them shows Dwame’s picture] Now she’s been rowing up and down the rivers of Beverly Hills.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And are we confident that’s not a boy in a wig?

[Cut to Cecily and conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Well, I’ve never seen a boy in a wig look that hot.

Cecily Strong: Okay, coach Conchoclin, is it?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Conchoclin, yes. My mother is German and my dad is Count Chocula.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Wonderful. Okay, I’m sorry but I have to ask, were you in anyway paid by these girls’ families to lie about them to be elite athletes?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Oh, absolutely not. And I resent that accusation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive home in the actual bat-mobile which I purchased on a normal female crew coach salary, Conchoclin out!

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin leaves the room.]

Cecily Strong: Okay, and our last applicant, Alice Fong.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Okay, guys, can I just as something? I’m sure Alice is great! But do you ever feel like we’re admitting too many Asian students? [Kenan tries to ignore the question]

[Cut to Carl and Heidi. They are also trying to ignore the question]

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Is this a trap? Is this a trap?

Debra: No, no, no! I’m serious. Alice has great grades and all, but do you guys think her personality is interesting enough?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Why are you doing this to us Debra?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And what’s with her face? Right? You can’t tell what she’s thinking. It’s like all these Asians are, um, what’s the word?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Sneaky?

Debra: Ah-hah! [Cut to Debra and Kenan. Debra stands and shows her police badge.] Admissions police. You’re all under arrest.

Kenan Thompson: Damn it! Damn it, Carl. She was undercover.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Wow, you mean this whole time she wasn’t Asian?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Wait! What?

Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss]

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss]

[Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]

The Duel | Season 44 Episode 16

Kenan Thompson

Sandra Oh

Mr. Abbeton… Beck Bennett

Mr. Eberle… Pete Davidson

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Sandra Oh and Melissa Villaseñor rushing to towards the courtyard]

Sandra Oh: Quickly.

[Cut to the courtyard. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are getting ready for the duel.]

Kenan Thompson: Mr. Abbeton. Mr. Eberle. Choose your weapons.

Sandra Oh: Stop. Kind sirs. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] My affections are not worth this quarrel. Whatever injury you any might incur cannot compete with the wound you inflict upon my heart.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Listen to her gentleman. No woman is worth losing life and limb over.

Mr. Abbeton: This man has laid claim to what is rightfully mine. [Cut to Mr. Abbeton] And I will have satisfaction.

[Cut to Mr. Eberle and Kenan Thompson]

Mr. Eberle: And I will not rest until his blood is spilled upon this very crown.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I cannot bear to see either of you suffer even this slightest of wounds.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: Then I suggest you look away.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do as he says, my lady.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are facing opposite directions.]

Kenan Thompson: You agreed upon the terms. Ten paces and then turn and fire. Mr. Abbeton.

Mr. Abbeton: Ready.

Mr. Eberle: Mr. Eberle. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Eberle: Oh, my god, sorry.

Melissa Villaseñor: I think [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] you got a little bit shot.

Sandra Oh: Oh! The only pain feel is seeing the two men I adore at odds.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Well, you’re definitely bleeding.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: It’s nothing compared to their suffering.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I think we should go over the rules again.

Mr. Abbeton: Yes, because he went early, right?

Kenan Thompson: Yes. So, just to be clear, you will walk ten paces and then turn and shoot.

Mr. Abbeton: Understood?

Mr. Eberle: And what do I do?

Kenan Thompson: Well, the same thing.

Mr. Eberle: As before? Okay. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s another arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Gross!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh:  ‘Tis but a pin prick. The only pain is loving a woman that another man loves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, my lady. I’m not very good at this game.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Do not give me a second thought. I beseech you, sirs. Think only of yourselves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, perhaps we should abandon the guns and take all our clothes off and fight.

Mr. Abbeton: Our clothes. Why are you involved?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I’m mad too. This is taking up my whole damn day.

Mr. Abbeton: Let’s try one more time.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I’m just going to move you here right in front of me. [Sandra Oh pulls Melissa Villaseñor in front of her]

Melissa Villaseñor: What?

Sandra Oh: So, you may better see.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I’m going to walk you through this. Do exactly as I say. Take one step—One step?

Mr. Abbeton: I thought we were going to take ten.

Mr. Eberle: Are we at ten already? [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

Kenan Thompson: No.

Mr. Abbeton: I haven’t gotten to go bang once! [Mr. Abbeton turns around and shoots] Bang!

[Cut to everybody. The two bullets are bouncing everywhere.]

Sandra Oh: What’s happening?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Currently there are two bullets in the air bouncing around the courtyard.

Sandra Oh: I’m sure I can just peek out to see what’s happening. [One bullets hit Sandra Oh] Oh, my lord. I hate this day.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The two of you should be ashamed! [Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle] Hand me the pistol.

Sandra Oh: Do be careful.

Kenan Thompson: What? Oh! [Kenan mistakenly shoots the pistol. The bullet hits Sandra’s finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Abbeton: Oh, my god. Give that back. [Mr. Abbeton tries to take the pistol back but then mistakenly shoots. The bullet hits Sandra’s another finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Eberle: [Shoots one more time] Bang! [The bullet hits Sandra’s leg]

Mr. Abbeton: Why did you do that?

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, I was trying something.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: This ends now!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh. Sandra walks to Kenan, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Her leg gets cut but she’s still walking.]

Melissa Villaseñor: My lady, your leg.

Sandra Oh: Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton. I have something to say and I will be heard! You have suffered enough.

[Cut to Sandra Oh, Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: She’s right. Do you forgive me?

Mr. Eberle: I do.

Sandra Oh: Now, give me those weapons and let the healing begin—[She shoots herself]

Kenan Thompson: Yep, that’s a head trigger right there.

Kremlin Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Interpreter… Sandra Oh

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Tiana… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a meeting in Kremlin]

Vladimir Putin: So we are all agreed then, we must send more troops to Crimea. Good. Okay. What is next on the agenda?

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: President Putin, before we move on, have you heard news out of America?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes. North Carolina not in final four of march madness! It’s crazy!

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Mikey Day: No, Mr. President, the other story, the Mueller report. American news says it is finished.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ah, da. I have heard of this. Okay, enough of this. We have much to cover.

[Cut to everybody]

Tiana: Just one more moment, sir. [Cut to Tiana] Because in Mueller report, they say President Trump has done no collusion with Russia.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Oh?

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: This cannot be, can it sir? American President has worked for Russia, right?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Guys?

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: Please, Mr. President, we must know, did Trump work for Russia or not?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: No.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Come on!

Mikey Day: How could this be [Cut to Mikey Day] for two years now? Every American newspaper and TV comedians has said Trump worked for Russia, this is like our best move ever!

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: We looked forward to report so much. It was going to be Mueller time, baby. All of the world would see the power of Russia. We were so excited.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: I was planning a party.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I know, I know. It would have been wonderful. But is what is. Now, please, let use move on.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: But Mr. President, with all due respect, why do you say Trump works for me?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: No, I never say this. Other people say it and I said, “Nyet”.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Mikey Day: Yeah, but you said it like ‘Nyeah’.

Alex Moffat: I knew it was too good to be true. American president is blackmailed by Russia into become KGB asset? It sounds like bad ‘80s movie’.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Sounds like cool ‘80s movie to me but whatever.

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: Oh god. All my friends ask me, “Tiana, you work in  Kremlin, is Trump really blackmailed by Putin.” Oh, I’m so cocky, I’m saying, “That is classified Intel”, like I’m big shot. Now I look like a hole in an ass. The worst part of an ass!

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: Wait, but if we had no blackmail why president Trump say such nice things about you?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I don’t know. I think he just likes me.

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: But why? You hate America. All you ever do is try to destroy their country!

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I know. I can’t figure this guy out. He’s in my head!

[Cut to everybody. Heidi comes in the room.]

Heidi Gardner: President Putin, chairman Kim is here to see you.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. [Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter enter the room] Chairman Kim, welcome.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Our glorious leader wishes to give you this valuable gift. Michael Jordan rookie card signed by Dennis Rodman.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, thank you.

Interpreter: But glorious leader is upset to learn that President Trump is not working for you.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Do not worry, Russia still have much influence over America. We have internet trolls, many other things.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Our glorious leader says very impressive, but in a sarcastic way.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Also, we don’t know everything in the report yet. [Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin] Plus, Mueller handed off a lot of stuff to the southern district of New York. That’s where the real action is.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Glorious leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now. He’s now questioning  everything. Like did you really poison those people in England?

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, of course I poisoned them.

Interpreter: Glorious leader wonders if you also poisoned that guy who turned blue?

Vladimir Putin: Yes, I poisoned him too. Give me some credit. I turn a lot of people blue! I do what most people think. I’m still a powerful scary guy, even if Trump doesn’t work for me.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: With all due respect, I don’t know if I can take you seriously anymore.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin, Alex and Mikey]

Vladimir Putin: No? Well, how about I poison your family, put you in dog cage, ship you to Siberia and beat you to death with a metal pipe. Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: glorious leader says that sounds more like the Putin he knows and loves!

[Cut to everybody]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. I’m back baby!

[Ends with everyone cheering]

Network Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

Lee Daniels… Kenan McKinnon

Manager… Sandra Oh

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with meeting hall of Empire Fox]

Kate McKinnon: Look, the bottom line is, we don’t want to work with your client anymore.

Manager: Just give Jussie another chance.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: Why? He doesn’t care about this job anymore.

Kate McKinnon: He’s two hours late for this meeting.

Mikey Day: I mean, not to mention, what he’s already put us through.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: Jussie Smollett was a victim.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, please!

[Cut to manager and Lee]

Manager: Mr. Daniels. I have represented Jussie his entire career. I am sure there is a very reasonable explanation for he is so late right now.

Lee Daniels: Well I just hope it’s not some crazy excuse.

[Cut to Jussie enters the room]

Jussie Smollett: I’m so sorry I’m late.

Manager: Oh my god. Are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me.

Ego Nwodim: Not again!

Kate McKinnon: Really?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I know what you’re thinking but it’s not that.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Okay, so what is it?

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: I got attacked again.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Kate McKinnon: That’s exactly what we were thinking, Jussie.

[Cut to Jussie and manager]

Jussie Smollett: Oh, okay good, so you believe me.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: No!

Mikey Day: What is wrong with you, man?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I just told you I was attacked.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: He meant mentally, Jussie.

Manager: Mr. Daniels, [Cut to Lee, Jussie and his manager] can I have a word with my Client for a second.

Lee Daniels: Yeah, I think you should.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Manager: Jussie–

Jussie Smollett: Don’t worry. I got some hits in too, I’m still the gay Tupac.

Manager: Nobody knows what that means. You can see why this story is hard to believe, right?

Jussie Smollett: Great, my old man doesn’t believe me. [Jussie looks at the bag in his hand] Wait, what the –

Manager: Jussie, what is that?

Jussie Smollett: I think it’s a bag of clues?

Manager: No, Jussie, don’t.

Jussie Smollett: Hang on. Look guys, the killer left me a bunch of clues.

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What killer?

Mikey Day: You’re still alive, Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: It’s only because I fought back because I’m the gay Mike Tyson.

[Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: You see what I mean, we can’t keep this guy around.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Wait, let’s just see what’s in here first. Crest white strips. Wow, what do you think that means?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re black.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Yo, you think it’s racial? Damn!

Manager: Jussie, please, stop.

Jussie Smollett: Shh, there’s more. [Taking letters ‘K’ out from the bag] A ‘K’. Another ‘K’. Three ‘K’s. Like what do you think that means?

[Cut to Mikey and Kate]

Mikey Day: It’s probably the Ku Klux Klan. Jussie.

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Really? I thought that was a myth.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie!

[Cut to manager and Jussie]

Jussie Smollett: Hang on, there’s more stuff. Oh, a receipt, I need that. Car keys, definitely need those. Oh, a teletubby. And it’s the gay one!

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, this is absolutely ridiculous.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: But, I’m telling the truth, I was attacked.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay, I guess we should just call the police then.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: No, no, no, no, they said I can never call again. That’s part of the deal.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, you know we’ve got to fire you, right?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: What? You can’t fire me. I made this show, man! I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Lee Daniels]

Lee Daniels: Jussie, I am the gay Lee Daniels.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Right, I guess it’s just [Cut to manager and Jussie] you and me then.

Manager: No, I’m firing you.

Jussie Smollett: Okay, fine. I guess I will just be on my way then. [Jussie Smollett leaves the room]

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, that was pretty rough.

Kate McKinnon: Yikes. [Cut to Mikey, Kate and Ego] Well, you did the right thing, Lee.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. You definitely did.

[Cut to manager]

Manager: No, I just hope he gets the help he needs.

[Jussie Smollet enters the room again with a neck bandage on]

Jussie Smollett: Guys, oh, my god.

[Cut to everybody]

Lee Daniels: Oh, come on man!

Jussie Smollett: You’re not going to believe what happened to me this time!

Lee Daniels: Jussie, go home! Just go home!

Bok Bok | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with a man walking to a Bok Bok fast food, a Bok Bok commercial]

Narrator: If you’re hungry for chicken, there’s never been a better time to come to Bok-Bok. Get your choice of a six-piece chicken supreme snack. Or a two-piece chicken dinner for $8.99 each. All served with a fresh biscuit and a flavorful fixen. Also, we’d like to take a second to clear up a few things you may have heard about our mascot, Bok-Bok. [Bok Bok looks scary and looks a lot like Momo of Momo hoax] Who does bear a slight resemblance to the internet urban legend and momo. But we promise Bok-Bok is not momo in a chicken suit. And she’s definitely not tempting kids with chicken so she can steal their souls. Bok-Bok is all about bringing you juicy chicken served hot. And sure, like momo, Bok-Bok is a human-bird hybrid who loves the company of children. But who cares when the food is this good. Please stop feeding my son. So stop being paranoid and bring the whole family down.

[Cut to drive-through]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, what can I get you today?

Heidi Gardner: [Talking to kids at the backseat] What do you guys want?

[Heidi adjusts her mirror to look at her kids. She sees Bok Bok.]

Bok Bok: Chicken.

[Everyone is scared and runs away]

Narrator: Yeah, that’s probably momo.

Video Bumper: Take your children to Bok-Boks.

Bok Bok: See you soon.