Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Christopher Columbus statue

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of statue of Christopher Columbus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York City Commission on Monuments has decided that statues of controversial historical figures such as Christopher Columbus will not be torn down because it’s just not what we care about this week.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of GM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: General motors announced that it’s making a line of self driving cars that has no steering wheel, no gas or break pedals, no windows, and it’s a coffin.

[Picture changes to a toilet bowl.]

Kohler has introduced a new toilet that can be flushed by voice command. So, get ready to hear your co-worker in the next stall yelling, “Flush! Please, flush. For the love of god, flush!”

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [looking at Colin Jost] It was just one time.

Weekend Update: Omarosa Manigault Newman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Omarosa Manigault Newman… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael che. There’s a picture of Omarosa Manigault Newman at right top corner.]

Michael che: It was announced that Omarosa Manigault Newman was fired from her White House job, whatever the hell that was. My guess is secretary of the sunken place. But Omarosa’s firing did prompt this outcry of support from black women.

[Cut to video clips of black women in TV news not being supportive to Omarosa Manigault Newman]

[Cut to Michael che]

Michael che: Man, when you get a bye from Robin Roberts, you know you suck.

[Omarosa Manigault Newman walks in]

Omarosa: Uh-uh! That is not accurate.

Michael che: Oh my! Omarosa? You’re still here?

Omarosa: Yes, Michael Che. And I demand a retraction. I left that job by choice.

Michael che: So you weren’t fired and forcefully removed from the White House?

Omarosa: That’s right. I quit.

Michael che: Okay.

Omarosa: I deactivated my ID card. I changed the locks on my own office. I escorted myself off the premises. And then, I threw myself into the bushes.

Michael che: Oh, is that so? Really?

Omarosa: Uh-huh.

[Security walks in]

Security: Let’s go, ma’am.

Omarosa: You can’t throw me out because I quit!

Michael che: You quit what? You don’t work here.

[The security is holding Omarosa’s arm.]

Omarosa: [to the security] Yeah, you better take my arm because I’m escorting you out of the building. And you better throw me into the Christmas tree.

Michael che: Omarosa Manigault Newman, everybody. Thank you. Unbelievable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] She wants to get thrown into the Christmas tree. Okay. Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was Burger King. Police then took out their tasers and had it their way.

Weekend Update on Doug Jones Defeating Roy Moore

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey everyone. Merry Christmas.

Michael che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Alabama’s newest senator, not Roy Moore. [cheers and applause] That’s literally what’s it’s gonna say on his name plate. [Picture changes to Doug Jones on his desk with the name plate ‘Sen. Not Roy Moore’.] Doug Jones has become the first democrat to win a senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, “Gross. Over 20 years?”

After Jones’s victory, president Trump tweeted, “Congratulations to Doug Jones. The people of Alabama are great and the republicans will have another shot. It never ends!” That’s it? You just went all in for an accused paedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, “Well, we had fun. Good game, guys.” Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight and tomorrow he’d tweet, “Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime”

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of Doug Jones and Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael che: Flippity-flop? On Tuesday, we saw exactly why republicans try to keep black people from voting. 98% of black women voted for Doug Jones bringing the total number of black women who voted for Roy Moore to just Sheryl. Dammit, Sheryl.

Democratic national committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, “#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.” Um, but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote fo the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, “If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?” And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of nine senators at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is, you’re never gonna shame president grab ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Specially with inappropriate sex stuff coz he has already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard’s turn 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.

[Cut to Michael che. There are pictures of nine senators at right top corner.]

Michael che: I actually think president Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken and probably rigged and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults, and still somehow be more like-able than Hillary Clinton. Point taken. We learned our lesson. What else is there? If this was a Christmas movie, this could be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared and then we realized that you lived inside of us the whole time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 75th Golden Globe Awards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snob women in Hollywood are calling “The least of our problems.” [Picture changes to the people in Hollywood industry accused of sexual assault allegations.]

Weekend Update – Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Christmas

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s only eight days left before Christmas. Here with his holiday dating tips is they guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The guy: Yeah. Ho-ho-ho. [singing] It’s beginning to look a lot like Sex-mas. Hey, happy holiday, Santa Cols. Skin tight to be back.

Colin Jost: My god. I think you’re even worse than I remembered. How have you been?

The guy: Not great, Col. The world has gotten it’s granny panties in a real twist since last we spoke. Got into some hot wat at the office. I had to go incognit for a bit, a little adic-facil out in the boo. Low-key little sex rehab situate to save my J-O-B. It was hard but overall pretty tight and I’m a changed man.

Colin Jost: Wow. Congrats, man.

The guy: Thank you. Now, let’s talk getting fala-la-la-la-la-laid.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s my guy. Okay.

The guy: Okay. I’ve got some tips that could help even Santa slay (sleigh). Now, when it comes to buying her a gift, you can’t lose with booze. Go for that second smallest bottle of Bails, maybe a nice Stoly Orang, or just bring some Veno to the sceno. Pick up anything in the sub-20-buck range that will get her lit up like that tree in Rockefeller Centro. I have a small bad wang. Now, let’s talk gifts of gold and Frankenstein. Since that will have her coming back for mer. ‘Tis the holiday for lingerie, and gents, don’t half shaft it with some cut rayed skivis, okay? Head straight to Vicky-6 and ask for a recommende. Don’t worry about what size. Just make it guess-demaise based on what kind of goodies the sales chika packed for lunch. My junk blows.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These, again, are dating tips for Christmas?

The guy: Wi, señor. Now, to make your Mrs. claws up your back, um, you gotta set that wintery scene. Take her to a top notch ski res and get your slope on. Then retire to the ski chalet where she shall lay if you play things right. Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe. Now, light up a fire– [Colin Jost laughing hardly]

Colin Jost: What?

The guy: Geez.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No.

The guy: Happy holidays.

Colin Jost: Yeah, their problem. Yeah.

The guy: Um, light up a fire and you’ll log her quicker, then you can say, “This never happens to me.” But it always does. It came upon a midnight clear but she most certainly did not. I’m neither a goer nor a show-er. Um–

Colin Jost: Look, man. Come on. It’s the Christmas show, okay?

The guy: Rodger, dodger. Now, let’s talk poist, post coids proto Col. Um, once you’ve done the deed and show em’ the seed, you can run, run Rudolph. Make like Santa Clause and leave her presents. Bad jingle, worse bells.

Colin Jost: It’s disgusting.

The guy: Well, hey man, don’t make me deck the Colls. Ha-ha. Nah, I’m Jost kidding. I only pick on people my own size which is just shockingly small. My penis, I mean. It’s bad an it’s small. And the thing is Colin, nobody likes it.

Colin Jost: And yet, somehow it’s not the worst thing about you.

The guy: Umm. It’s a Philly’s nobby dud. Now, in cum-clusion (conclusion), no matter who you open presents with on XXXmas, there’s no better place to unwrap a box and on the stern of the uptown girl.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What is the uptown girl?

The guy: My boat, Colin.

Colin Jost: My god. The guy who bought a boat everyone.

The guy: It’s duck-tomorrow-logo.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.

Weekend Update on Trump Recognizing Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, with all the complex issues facing America right now, president Trump decided to relax and solve the much simple problem, the middle east. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week and you’re not gonna believe this, but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the response. He made the announcement and then he just flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion. [Picture changes to Donald Trump walking in front of explosions like in the action movies.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mahmoud Abbas]

Then Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas warned Trump in a phone call that the move would result in dangerous consequences. And it didn’t help. Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas Merry Christmas and asking for extra falafel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Um, look. I don’t know why anybody would try to take sides on middle east conflict unless they’re actually from the middle east. It’s like watching the girlfriend’s parents’ fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, “Yeah, I hear you.” I don’t know nothing about the middle east. I have one Palestinian friend and every time I ask him about the middle east, he says, “Che, I’m Pakistani.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday, the White House announced that he would undergo a physical exam early next year and the results will be made public. Which sounds great. But I have to ask, will Dr. Muppet be doing it? [Picture changes to Harold Bernstein] Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ludes coma first.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Also, I’m not really concerned about Trump getting a physical examination. I’m more concerned about some of the mental things that might be happening. Things that make him say things like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Because these massive tax cuts, we’ll be rocket fuel– [Donald Trump turns around, shakes his head and finger] Little rocket man.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I’m no doctor, but then again, neither is this guy. [picture changes to Harold Bernstein]

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shutdown this weekend. So for now, a government shutdown is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.

[audience laughing]

Then you’ll like this. Three members of congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means. Time to open three more doors on our sexual harassment themed Advent Calendar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Al Franken announces resignation this week in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. And yet, [Picture of a newspaper article that says “Moore ahead by 4 points”] uncle bad touch is up 4 points in Alabama. You see, the democrats hold themselves to a highest standard than anyone else. Which is why they always lose. It’s the same reason that Harvard football team sucks, because you also got to be a rocket scientist to play there. But to play for Alabama, you just got to be able to spell ‘Bama’. Democrats hope by forcing out Franken to step down, they will paint themselves as the party of the moral high ground. Calm down, democrats. You’re still politicians. You’re the party of the morality the same way Don Jr. is the handsome Trump brother. Nobody actually likes you. Nobody likes democrats. Nobody’s at a party like, “Yo, you know who I wish was here? Nancy Pelosi. She’s dope.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying “Go get ’em Roy!” Come on, man! When you’re endorsing an accused child molest, you can’t say “Go get ’em.” This isn’t paedophile pokemon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way, “Go get ’em, Roy!” is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic. [Picture changes to Hot Topic store.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama– [laughter] Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting “I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.” No. We’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always want to blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like, when a guy whips out his junk on a subway and screams, “Only in New York, baby!” We do not do that, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Duetsche Bank logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Mueller investigation has subpoenaed Duetsche Bank requesting information about president Trump and his family’s finances. And they’ve also subpoenaed the bank Eric uses. [Picture changes to a piggy bank]

[Picture changes to Donald trump and a nine handle candlestand.]

According to a report, president Trump did not invite any democrats to the White House Hanukkah party on Thursday, which is like not inviting any gay people to the Tony awards. It’s not really a good look when the most Jewish person at you Hanukkah party is Ivanka Trump. [Picture changes to Ivanka Trump]

Weekend Update- Theresa May

Colin Jost

Theresa May… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The British parliament erupted anger this week after president Trump retweeted anti-Muslim videos from a British hate group. Here to respond is British prime minister, Theresa May.

[Theresa May slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Theresa May: Yes. Hello, Colin. It’s lovely to be here. The United Kingdom sends it’s appreciation for a special friendship that we share.

Colin Jost: Really? Coz things seem to be a little tense right now between you and president Trump.

Theresa May: Um-hmm. But, you know the Brits. [Cut to Theresa May] Stiff upper lip. Then when dealing with Trump, it’s a kin to stiff upper lip, stiff lower lip, stiff neck, arms, legs and you’re pretty much playing dead. But the British people know I can give it as good as I get it. I’m not afraid of a little social media fisty caps.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You and president. I saw you really got into it on Twitter.

Theresa May: Yes. And I’ve never felt more live. [Cut to Theresa May] I saw Trump’s offensive re-tweets and I’ve put that man on blast. Listen to this epic takedown. [clears her throat] “It is wrong for the president to have done this.” Savage! Flame emoji. I am practically a troll now.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Right. Right. And then Trump tweeted back at you and told you to back off.

Theresa May: Yes. But the bitch tagged the wrong Theresa May. It’s internet 101 baby. [Cut to Theresa May] Umm. It’s thrilling to engage in a flame war. To dunk on a thirsty bitch. It’s electric. I am hard. I am actually hard.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. This is a whole new Theresa May.

Theresa May: Yes. I’m on a road now, daddy. [Cut to Theresa May] Who else wants to go a few rounds with Theresa Mayweather? Kim Jung-Un? Oh, take this tweet. “Mr. Kim Jung-Uh. Good sir. Do grow up. #Please”

Colin Jost: It’s pretty good.

Theresa May: Talk about getting owned. And hey, Vladimir Putin. Just this. [side eye emoji appears at the bottom of the screen] The side eye emoji. He knows what it means. It’s cold sheet, Colin. He’ll be freaking, I’ll show you, and then I’ll follow it up with a very threatening eggplant.

[Cut to Theresa May and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you know what that means?

Theresa May: Yes. Eat your vegetables. You hear that? How do you like us now? [Cut to Theresa May] Britain is back, baby! Theresa may be strong and beloved by all. I’m going full Trump and even my own people aren’t safe. Look at this threat I wrote on prince Harry. “Congratulations, Prince Harry, on your upcoming nuptials. (1/4)” “But check it. She outcho league (2/4)” “You look like Ed Sheeran minus the abilities (3/4)” “Nevertheless, would bang (4/4)”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Theresa May]

Colin Jost: Theresa May, everyone!

Weekend Update- The Duncans on the Kama Sutra

Michael Che

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Experts are now saying that one of the keys to a long healthy marriage is to make sure a couples keep their sex lives fresh and exciting. Here to share their experience with the Kama Sutra is a mad couple who tried every position in the book, the Duncans.

[Greg Duncan and Shelly Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eye, face bruises and swollen lips. He is also wearing the neck support.]

Greg Duncan: Hello, Michael.

Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

Greg Duncan: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, you two really tried every position in the Kama Sutra?

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm.

Shelly Duncan: Oh boy, I’m blushing, but yes. I have to say it really spiced things up. I’m more attracted to Greg than ever.

Greg Duncan: Oh, and the doctors say I will make a full recovery. But Michael, before couples attempt the Kama Sutra, they need to make sure they’re on the same page.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Like discuss what they’re both comfortable with.

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yes. But also that they’re on the same page of the actual book. My wife like to skip ahead

Shelly Duncan: What? I got excited.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. At one point I was on page six trying a position called “beginner’s blossom”, but she had skipped ahead to– what was the name of it?

Shelly Duncan: Broken donkey.

Greg Duncan: Broken donkey. And in that one, I was the broken donkey. You’re shy. She’s shy.

Shelly Duncan: But we were so inspired by the book that we came up with some new positions all on our own. And we think that other couples might enjoy them.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Um, now, this one, Shelly enjoyed quite a bit. But it wasn’t my favorite. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s called “You’re a chair now.” As you can see, the blue is the male and the pink is the female. She is a shy one today.

Shelly Duncan: I’m too shy to go into details but ladies, this one hits all the right spots.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. And all honesty, I had passed out during this one. Um, but Shelly tells me that I loved it. But gentlemen, if you do attempt “You’re a chair now”, insist your wife is barefoot and not wearing her sexy high heels.

Shelly Duncan: Oh, you love high heels.

Greg Duncan: I do love them.

Michael Che: Yes. That looks very painful. You’re a brave man.

Greg Duncan: Well, I have no choice. Another one of Shelly’s creations, she calls it “You my basketball”. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Shelly Duncan: And ladies, word to the wise, use two hands if you want to dribble your husband.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Absolutely. Or, don’t dribble your husband. It’s up to you. Now, this next position is named after what my wife said while we were doing it.

Shelly Duncan: “Stop whining sandwich boy!”

Greg Duncan: She did her voice. That’s what she does in the bedroom. So the male is the meat and the mattress and the bed spring or in our case, a mattress and wooden bed slats are the bread.

Michael Che: Yeah. It sounds like Shelly made up most of the positions, Greg. Did you come up with any for yourself?

Greg Duncan: I did. This was my favorite. I called this one “Where are you hiding? I’m not done.” Again, based on what my wife was saying.

Shelly Duncan: I did not say that.

Greg Duncan: You did. You get in the zone. You don’t know what you’re saying.

Michael Che: Well, thank you guys for coming. Any final tips for our viewers?

Shelly Duncan: Yes. Be creative. Be open. And stretch.

Greg Duncan: Yes. And also, make sure your insurance plan covers something called consensual intimate trauma.

Michael Che: The Duncans, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on the GOP Tax Plan

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, good news for president Trump is that his tax plan just passed the senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it. Former national security advisor Michael Flynn pled guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump’s ties to Russia. Or as FOX News reported it, [Cut to FOX News article] “Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?” These days, I have to say it’s just refreshing to see a powerful man pled guilty for something that isn’t sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, “Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn’t also whip it out during a meeting? What a solid guy!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Flynn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President knew he had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our jobs for us. He said, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.” Ah, thanks man. I got it from here. So, you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That’s obstruction. Who is your lawyer? [Ppcture changes to Ty Cobb] Oh, right, the oatmeal guy. You know, the crazy thing is as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we’re talking about. And I’ve heard people say, “Oh, there’s no way Trump walks from this one”, at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does FBI need? They have a 95% conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confessional Twitter. So if this next Donald Trump isn’t in prison corn rolling some brother named ‘Lunch meat’s hair’, then dammit, I want the oatmeal guy as my lawyer too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After news of Flynn’s pled, former director of FBI James Comey tweeted a biblical verse saying, “But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream”. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he’s a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase ‘ever-flowing stream’ makes me think he has seen that Russian P-tape.

[Picture changes to the senate meeting]

The senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning, that experts say would add over $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was gonna run the country like a business, I just didn’t know he was gonna run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say that the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down. First from rich parents to their kids. And then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, once republicans get this tax bill passed, they won’t need Donald Trump anymore. I mean, they already got what they wanted. I mean, it’s like– it’s not like they like you. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 AM without reading it the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It’s like a family showing up to your hospital room saying, “Look, you need to sign this will tonight.” “Can I read it first?” “No time.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigate for unsolved murder. Could we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? I mean that any other time in history, the headline ‘President openly accuses a man of murder’ would probably make the front page. Now, it’s just part of a [Picture changes to newspaper articles] Wacky News Corner right next to Local Squirrel Learns Karate and North Korea Can Now Nuke All of US.

[Picture changes to YouTube logo]

YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos due to disturbing content involving children. But if you still wanna watch disturbing content involving children, there’s always the Alabama Senate Race. [Picture changes to Roy Moore]

[Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Doug Jones]

Oh, yeah. Trump criticizes Roy Moore’s democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. [Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Statler from muppets.] But clearly, he’s not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from the Muppets. That’s the Chuck Schumer puppet.

Weekend Update on Eli Manning Being Benched

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Eli Manning at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in 13 years. So, if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an office at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.

[Picture changes to three men]

Oh, and I almost forgot about this week’s bachelor predators. It’s just a whole segment of the news now. I just gotta announce the names every week like power ball numbers.

[Picture changes to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree]

On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit, and so was Ann Curry. [Picture changes to Ann Curry and Matt Lauer]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Matt Lauer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the secret Santa gift I got for Colin. [Picture changes to a wrapped gift, but we can see it’s a dildo.] It’s double sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jay Z and Beyoncé at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay, don’t! Don’t you pull both sides. Okay. In a new interview, Jay Z admitted that he cheated on Beyoncé. Yeah, man. We know. [Picture changes to a shot from Beyoncé’s music video ‘Lemonade’.]

[Picture changes to statue of Robert E Lee]

A historian at Virginia believes that confederate statue of Robert E Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extremely rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. [Picture changes to a movie poster] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know. I never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ‘Afterglow’ poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A special performance of the off broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, “Maybe not right now?”