Taran Killam
Kyle Mooney
Kate McKinnon
Fayanne… Aidy Bryant
Venerra… Scarlett Johansson
[Starts with Elite Advertising Agency]
Taran: Alright, guys. [Cut to Taran speaking to Kyle and Kate in the office] As you know, Landing Pampers, it’s very important to the company. So, we actually decided to bring in a couple of jingle writers to help us out.
[Cut to Taran] They’ve been out of the game for while, but they come very highly recommended. [talking to the assistant through phone] Sujan, you wanna send them in please?
[Cut to the office. Fayanne and Venerra walk in. They look like hippies.]
Fayanne: Hello, hello everyone.
Venerra: Hello.
Fayanne: Thank you so much.
[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]
My name is Fayanne.
Venerra: Yes, and I am Venerra. And we are the best jingle writers in town. You ever heard of, [singing jingle] “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.”
Fayanne: [singing jingle] Chilling!
[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Oh, wow! So, you guys wrote that?
[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]
Fayanne: Ah, no. We wish.
Venerra: We’ve actually been out of the jingle writing scene for quite a while.
Fayanne: Yes, it got too crazy. You know the jingle scene. It’s Coke for breakfast and ash for dinner.
Venerra: So, we’ve been living off the grid in the desert for the last two years.
Fayanne: Yes, but now we are back for pampers.
[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Well, we are very excited to hear your jingle.
[Cut to everybody]
Fayanne: Well, here it is. Sweet, pure pampers.
[Venerra plays the piano and Fayanne sings. It sounds like a sad song.]
[singing] The desert echo screams like a hell-burn born of sand
he bites into the flesh of the diamond rattle snake
and with the taste of blood he cries
for pampers!
Venerra: Thank you.
Fayanne: Thank you so much.
Venerra: Thank you.
[Cut to Kyle and Kate]
Kyle: Um, I think pampers would want a more traditional jingle.
Kate: Yeah, do you even know anything about diapers?
[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]
Fayanne: Of course.
Venerra: Yes, yes. In the desert, Fayanne and I had to drink each other’s urine.
Fayanne: Yes. So, in a way, we were each other’s diapers.
Venerra: And that experience allowed us to write this next perfect jingle.
[Cut to Taran]
Taran: Is it too late to say no?
[Cut to everybody. Fayanne and Venerra are playing piano and singing. It’s a happy song now.]
Venerra: [singing] It’s a sunny day, smile
It’s a sunny day, smile
every day is sunny if you have a smile
[Cut to Kyle and Kate]
Kate: Okay, I like this.
[suddenly the music becomes sad]
Venerra: [singing] The dessert pig has fire eyes
as it’s seen a thousand deaths
[Venerra runs to Taran and sings to him]
nothing soothes it’s black end sole
except pampers!
Fayanne: Thank you.
Venerra: Thank you so much.
Fayanne: Thank you so much.
[Cut to Kyle and Kate]
Kate: Um, are you sure you two are the top jingle writers?
[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]
Venerra: Yes, of course. Haven’t you heard of this one? [singing jingle] “Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, it’s Papa Johns.”
[Cut to Taran looking speechless]
Taran: That’s the McDonald’s jingle.
[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]
Fayanne: Urgh! You sound like Papa Johns.
Venerra: Now, if you’ll indulge us, we have one more song.
Fayanne: Yes. Imagine tiny clean fresh babies playing in sunlight. And then, you hear…
[Fayanne starts playing piano and singing the sad song]
[singing] I gave birth on a desert rock
and the baby cried for death
Venerra: We needed food so very bad
we even had to eat a diaper!
[Cut to Kyle and Kate shaking their heads no.]
[Cut to Fayanne and Venerra]
Fayanne: The vultures clawed out our eyes
and we screamed out for mercy
Fayanne and Venerra: And pampers!
[Cut to everybody]
Fayanne: Thank you.
Venerra: Thank you so much.
Fayanne: Thank you so much.
Venerra: We accept personal checks and sacagawea coins only.
[Cut to Taran]
Taran: You need to leave now.
[Cut to everybody]
Fayanne: Well, if you change your mind, just whisper our name to an owl.
[The End]