Category:

What’s That Name | Season 44 Episode 14

Doug… John Mulaney

Courtney… Cecily Strong

Vince Blight… Bill Hader

Todd… Mikey Day

Todd’s Wife… Heidi Gardner

Jake… Alex Moffat

Jake’s Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Doug and Courtney in the game show]

Narrator: And now it’s time to play what’s that name? And here’s your host, [Cut to Vince Blight] Vince Blight.

Vince Blight: Hello, hello and welcome to What’s That Name. The rules are simple. We show you a person. You tell us their name. Our contestants are Dough and Courtney. [Cut to Doug and Courney] [Cut to Vince Blight] The first question goes to Doug. John Legend is one of pop music’s biggest artists. But his better half as a star in her own right. [cut to picture of John Legend and his wife] Doug, what’s that name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Crissy Teagan. [Ring for the right answer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. $5 for you. Courtney, you’re up next. Although, they recently split, we’ll never forget the whirl wind romance of Noah Cyrus [Cut to picture of Noah Cyrus and her boyfriend] and this American musician. What’s that name?

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Okay, I actually know this. It’s Lil’ Xan. [Ring for the right answer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. Five bucks to you. All right. Doug. This next question is for $250,000. And we’ve got a walk on clue. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Todd: Hey Doug, it’s me. I’m one of your closest friends.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Todd.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: And I have been his girlfriend for four years. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, it’s great to see you.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: It’s great to see you. We’ve gone out to dinner 20 times. We’ve sat next to each other at multiple weddings. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Uh—

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Doesn’t seem like you know her name.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Of course I do. Of course I do. It’s Missy?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Audience: Karen

Doug: Todd, I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Interesting choice to apologize to him. As opposed to her. I guess you just don’t consider her a human being.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What kind of horrible game show is this?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: It’s what’s that name. Courtney. You’re up next. And we’ve got another walk on clue.

[Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Jake: Hey, it’s Jake from your advertising firm in which you are the only female partner.

Jake’s Wife: And I’m his wife. [Cut to Courtney, very disappointed] So, [Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife] we met at the holiday party and when I showed up, you gave me a big hug and said, “Thank god, I’m not the only woman here anymore”. Every time you see me, you say, “Hey, lady” or “Hey, mama”. What’s my name?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Mama?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Oh, not going to cut it, mama. Audience?

[Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife]

Audience: Allison.

Jake’s Wife: But, Lil’ Xan you know.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Doug: See, that’s even worse than me.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: How is that worse? Get all the cameras on him. Finish that thought, [Cut to Doug] Doug. It’s worse because –

Doug: Well, she’s a woman. So at a party, you think she would want to talk to the other wives.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Other wives?

Vince Blight: She’s a god damn [Cut to Vince Blight] partner at the firm, buddy. Unreal. Round two.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I want to say something. I think you’re kind of a jerk.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I think you’re a jerk.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Why don’t you name all your friend’s wives?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Those guys? They don’t have wives. I roll with a crew of problematic bachelors and we call ourselves the squad. Let’s learn a little bit about our contestants. Shall we? Courtney, it says here that you’re a woman who doesn’t support other woman.

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: That’s right.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Is there anything you would like to say to all the girls watching at home?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Nope.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Gotcha. Doug, what would you say to all the young girls watching?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I don’t know. You are as good as any man. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Terrible.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What would you say?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I wouldn’t say anything. Camera three, push it on me. I would listen. [Cut to Doug] [Cut to Vince Blight] It’s time for the final clue and this one is dealer’s choice. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and three women come to the stage.] No, you’re not seeing double. There’s three women there. Doug, these are three of your wife’s bridesmaids. [Cut to Vince Blight] And we know, you don’t know any of their names.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: That’s correct.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Okay. So here’s the deal. You pick the one you think you have got the best shot at.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Um, middle one.

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Woman in the middle: Awe, thanks.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: And because you are such a dumb donkey, we’re going to give you almost all the letters.

[Cut to three bridesmaids. The hint has first letter blank space and rest three letters are ‘ARA’.”

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Can I have the first letter?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: No. That would be all of them.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Do I have to look at her while I guess?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Right in the eye. For $10 million. What’s that name?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Doug: I am so sorry. Lara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Jara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: You think her name is Jara? [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Tara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Mara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Audience: Mara.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I said Mara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Yeah, but you didn’t know it.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Vince Blake, why do you do this game? What’s it all for? What do you want?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: In a word, chaos. [Cut to the stage] And that’s the game. No winner, I guess. But stick around because Doug’s our guest on another game show, “Does the Housekeeper Have a Son?”

Doug: No she doesn’t.

Vince Blight: He’s 16 years old. Good night.

John Mulaney’s SNL Monologue Will Change Everything | Season 44 Episode 14

John Mulaney

Kate McKinnon

Thomas Rhett

[Starts with John, Kate and Thomas on SNL stage]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: Hey John, when you were a writer here, were there any promos that you wrote that didn’t get picked that you want to try now?

John Mulaney: There was one I kind of liked. Hi, I’m Labron James and I’m big and strong.

[Retake]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Tune in to watch these two gorgeous nephews make their aunts and uncles proud.

John Mulaney: Oh, thanks Kate.

[Retake]

John Mulaney: Hi, I’m John Mulaney and I’m hosting SNL this week with musical guest Thomas Rhett.

Kate McKinnon: My god, John, here. He’s going to lay it down so hard for you in his monologue. You’re literally going to stand up and applaud in your living.

John Mulaney: Well, I don’t know.

Kate McKinnon: He’s going to be up there with The Beatles in terms of like, singular cultural event. Nothing’s going to be the same ever again.

John Mulaney: We’re still kind of working it out.

Thomas Rhett: Oh, I can’t wait to hear it.

John Mulaney: All right.

Kate McKinnon: Killing it.

John Mulaney: Expectations!

Behind the Sketch: Diner Lobster with John Mulaney and Colin Jost | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Waiter… John Mulaney

Pete Davidson and Chris Redd

Kloset… Kate McKinnon

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hi, I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and John Mulaney] I’m here with John Mulaney.

John Mulaney: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: And we’re here to talk to you guys about Diner Lobster, a sketch that we originally wrote in 2010, but then did not see the light of day until John hosted last year and resurrected it.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete and Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

John Mulaney: It’s ‘Who Am I’ from Les Mis, and we just said the titles of them. [Cut to John and Colin] And no one knew and then we didn’t prep them well and it was a singing lobster at the table. It didn’t do well. And it wasn’t one of those things that didn’t do well and later, people are like, “I like that.”

Colin Jost: No. No one came up to those after.

John Mulaney: It was long too. The writing night was really fun because we sat in your office that you shared with Kenan.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yes, I think we both consider the London [Cut to Colin and John] live recording. It was like the 10th or 15th anniversary recording. Was for both of us, the defining signature edition of Les Mis.

John Mulaney: I remember listening to song after song. It was really fun.

Colin Jost: And they were all–

John Mulaney: They were all great. [Cut to John Mulaney] And I think Forte came in and you had an appointment to write with them. [Cut to Colin and John] And he said, “Are you writing Alen?” And you said, “I’m going to need another couple of hours.” And he went, “Oh, okay.” You know the biggest thing in it was that Kenan’s lobster daughter played by Kate McKinnon was named Klaset. Had it named Klaws in the musical and —

Colin Jost: It suddenly changed.

John Mulaney: And that was your joke. You typed it and then you looked over me, and I was like, “Absolutely”.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But then when you came back to host, we talked about it. We were like, “What’s a big number for a table read?” You kind of want to end the table read on a big musical bang or a loud thing.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim, choose from all to order him, who is this guy..

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Then it actually worked at the table and I think we were like, “Wow, is this real?” Kenan being the lobster, Kenan is the one who says Kloset. He knows to say it very clearly and wait for five seconds for the audience to understand what hell he is talking about.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Kloset: Papa.

Lobster: Kloset. Oh, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Just the first note where you start hearing [Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster] ‘Who am I?” coming, and you saw Kenan like posing so proudly as a lobster.

Lobster: Who am I? And why am I condemned to boil alive.

[Cut to Colin and John]

Colin Jost: Every department–

John Mulaney: Did an exceptional job.

Colin Jost: Oh, totally. Yeah.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

John Mulaney: You have a wall open. A tank of water, that is not actually filled with water. And then they have the barricade slide in.

Waiter: From the barricade.

Chris Redd: Wait, there’s a barricade?

Pete Davidson: Oh, this diner has an incredible set design.

[Cut to Colin and John]

John Mulaney: All time right. I once couldn’t get to go across.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

When the churning in your bowls

matches the burning of his shell

You’ll know why lobsters in a diner never sell

[Cut to Colin and John]

John Mulaney: Lobster diner had the biggest applause I ever experienced in the studio.

[Cut to small clip from Diner Lobster]

Lobsters.

You don’t order them!

In diners!

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: That was great. And that was like, “This place is going to feel like a wonderful TV studio, it felt like both the TV studio and like a concert hall”. [Cut to Colin and John] And we won an Ally award from —

Colin Jost: From PETA.

John Mulaney: From PETA. People from the Ethical Treatment of the Animals for promotion of animal welfare in sketch-com. Because we saved the lobsters. [Cut to John Mulaney] Thank you for watching this discussion of the history of Diner Lobster. I’m hosting Saturday Night Live this Saturday, March 2nd. And if this video was not 17 minutes, then they may cut!

Toilet Death Ejector | Season 44 Episode 14

Narrator… John Mulaney

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two elderly couple talking]

Grandpa: Hal, [Cut to Grandpa] he passed away.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, no. That’s awful!

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’ll say. They found him on the toilet.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: That’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: Dying on the toilet. It’s every senior’s worst nightmare. You live a life of grace and honor only to pass in the most humiliating way imaginable, ass up on a bathroom floor, and loaded toilet rotting behind you. Thankfully there’s a solution that’s both elegant and dignified. [Cut to a toilet commode] The Toilet Death Ejector. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] When you are on the toilet and you feel yourself dying, simply press the red button. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed] Hydraulics beneath your seat will propel your dead body forward, hurl you gently through the air and deposit you neatly on your bed. The toilet will then automatically flush and release a puff of lavender scent. Finally, a smart book will fall from the ceiling onto your chest to imply wisdom. Choose from impressive title like the Bible, Henry David Thoreau’s ‘Walden’ or ‘Latest Gladwell.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: I don’t know. That sure seems awfully complicated.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: I’ll tell you what complicated. Explaining to the grandkids that nana died while taking a giant dumb. No matter what the cause of death is, they’re going to assume it was the size of the dump that killed her. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] So reclaim your dignity. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, mom, I– Oh, no. [Kyle looks at the book on her] She was so wise.

[Cut to an engineer fitting the Toilet Death Ejector]

Narrator: Our team of engineers guarantees that toilet death ejector is mostly accurate.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Oh, no! That’s a shame. At least he died peacefully in bed reading scripture.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, that’s nice.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Only thing was his pants were around his ankles. And there was [Bleep] everywhere.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: The toilet death ejector. Every time you hear that sound, [ejecting sound] an angel gets its wings.

Cha Cha Slide | Season 44 Episode14

Daniel… John Mulaney

Dj, Marcus… Kenan Thompson

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

Jermaine… Chris Redd

[Starts with people dancing in a hall of a party]

[Lisa and Daniel walk in]

Lisa: Okay. Deep breath. My cousin’s wedding is just like any other wedding, okay.

Daniel: But I’ve never met any of your family. It’s just I’m kind of nervous.

Lisa: Why? What is there to be nervous about?

Daniel: I don’t know. I’m a software engineer from Indian Apolis.

Lisa: Okay, these people don’t bite. Okay?

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: Alright, let’s get it going, y’all. I need everybody on the dance floor. Let’s make it funky, funky, funky. [Cut to everybody, Daniel and Lisa start dancing] Everybody clap your hands. Clap, clap, clap your hands.

Daniel: It’s just – I don’t want to embarrass myself or you.

Lisa: It’s fine. Just be yourself.

DJ: Take it back now, y’all. One hop this time. Two hops this time. Right foot, let’s stomp. Left foot, let’s stomp. Cha cha now, y’all. Turn it up.

Daniel: I’m sorry to be weird. Is your mom here?

Lisa: I told you, everyone’s here.

DJ: Take it back now, y’all. One hop this time. Now shoot them dice. Turn up now y’all. Turn it up.

Lisa: Shoot them dice? Is this the radio?

Daniel: No, this is the club remix, the 12

DJ: Let’s turn them grease. Turn it one time. Cha cha, now y’all. Turn it up.

Daniel: I mean what do I even say to your mom? We have nothing to talk about.

Lisa: You’ll be great. I told you all about you.

DJ: Now pull out your church fans. [Daniel takes the church fan out of his back pocket] And wave that fan.

Lisa: Church fans? I didn’t bring a church fan.

Daniel: Oh, I have an extra. [Daniel takes another church fan out of his back pocket and gives it to Lisa]

DJ: Now, wave it all around. Now wave it all around. Cha cha now y’all. Turn it up.

Daniel: Do you know everybody here?

Lisa: No, I barely know half of these people.

Jermaine: Hey, Daniel. [Jermaine joins Daniel and Lisa]

Daniel: Oh, my god, Jermaine. What are you doing here?

Jermaine: What are you doing?

Daniel: I’m with my girlfriend.

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa. You two know each other?

Jermaine: Yeah, we were in the same fraternity.

Lisa: Which one was that?

[Cut to Daniel and Jermaine]

Daniel: Kappa Alpha PSI at Howard University.

Daniel and Jermaine: You know.

Daniel: And about five years ago, we went on a Tom Joyner Cruise where we saw Sinbad an Anita Baker.

Jermaine: Man, that was special right? Looks like my son’s acting up again. Put that down, boy.

Daniel: Oh-oh. Looks like somebody’s going to be on punishment.

Jermaine: You know it. [Cut to Daniel, Lisa and Jermaine] All right Daniel, good to see you. Put your pants back on, boy. [Jermaine leaves]

Lisa: See? It’s not so bad. You have a friend here.

Daniel: Yeah, one.

DJ: Two hops this time. Right foot, two stomps. Left foot, two stops. Make it hutch now y’all.

Daniel: It’s weird for me to be in a new environment.

Lisa: I know. But we all have to do it sometime.

[Ms. Staley joins Lisa and Daniel]

Ms. Staley: Hey, Daniel. I thought that was you.

Daniel: Hey, Ms. Staley. I didn’t know you were here.

Lisa: You know Daniel?

[Cut to Daniel and Ms. Staley]

Ms. Staley: Yeah, we were partners in the stage down at the church. We won $60.

Daniel: We sure did. Hey, are you still watching ‘Power’ on the Starz network?

Ms. Staley: No, child. I had to get rid of the Starz.

Daniel: Oh, it’s a damn shame how expensive these cables are these days. Hey, how’s your foot feeling?

Ms. Staley: It’s better. I got the socks and I have been soaking it every night. Thank you for asking.

Daniel: Well, I’m going to pray on it.

Ms. Staley: Well, thank you darling. You know I’m cooking greens, Sunday, stop by.

[Ms. Staley leaves]

Lisa: Oh, my god. You know my aunt better than I do.

Daniel: Oh, stop. Andrew get things, I’m corny. She’s just being nice.

DJ: Slide to the left. Slide to the right. Now Beyonce one. Now Beyonce two. All right, all right. Good job, everybody. It’s 11:01. And my break was scheduled for 11:00. I’m out of here. Peace.

Lisa: You are going to be fine, tonight.

Daniel: You think so?

Lisa: Yes, I swear. I’d love for you to meet my brother, he’s the DJ.

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: All right. I want to thank everybody for having me. I just want to give a quick shout out to the man that produced my first mixtape. Daniel, I love you man.

[Cut to Daniel and Lisa]

Daniel: Appreciate you D’ Marcus.

Weekend Update: R. Kelly’s Financial Problems | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of R. Kelly at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: R. Kelly. R. Kelly has faced a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. But do you get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bryce Harper at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: That’s good. Bryce Harper signed a 13 year $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia? He didn’t think he was going there. [Picture changes to Target logo] In effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of prison at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: A man who was sentenced to life for murder at age 17 has been released from prison at the age of 74. The man says he can’t wait to see his friends and family, but what he misses the most is murdering. [Picture changes to picture map of Alabama] Two people in Alabama were arrested after getting into a fight at a restaurant over crab legs at a buffet which coincidentally is also the image on [Picture changes to state flog of Alabama] the Alabama state flag.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York picture map at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Police in New York arrested a man who faked his own abduction and robbery to avoid paying 50 grand what he owed in a Super Bowl pool. Worse, the man had just lost his job on [Picture changes to Jussie Smollett] Empire. That’s Weekend Update, Good night!

Weekend Update: Smokery Farms | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Vaneta Starkie… Kate McKinnon

Wylene Starkie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A pig named Picasso– a pig named Picasso who was saved from a slaughter house because it’s ability to paint, has sold it’s paintings for thousands of dollars. Here to comment are the owners of Smokery Farm’s Meat Gift Delivery Service, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie.

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Va Netta: Hi, how are you doing. Hi.

Wylene Starkie: We’re cousins.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Thanks for being here guys.

Wylene Starkie: Well, look Colin. All these amazing animal stories might be heartwarming for y’all, but they’re not great for meat farmers.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: That’s right. People going vegan left and right because of damn internet keep showing people videos with titles like, “Pig teaches deaf dog to bark”.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, or “Chicken reminds man what he loves about his wife”.

Va Netta: You see, every time a cow salutes a veteran, our stocks take a hit.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, yeah, but you do not need to feel guilty with us, because going forward, Smokery Farms will only serve meat from animals that are individually stupid and bad.

Va Netta: That’s right. All our crowd favorite meat gifts are now made from the dumbest, worst, most nothing personalities farm junks.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I don’t think I understand.

Wylene Starkie: Okay, well, we can show you then. [Va Netta brings a basket of variety of meat] [Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Here we go. Oh, wow! Look at all that. Look at that gorgeous stink basket. I will tell you, a lot of meat. And the scent is strong. Now, our veal cutlet, now this is made from a little dud who couldn’t do tricks and he refused his Halloween costume, okay? You are going to feel no guilt when you soak him in milk and feed him to your children.

Va Netta: That’s right. Now, a recent study of 100 chickens, all but one could identify himself in the mirror. We done got that one. His name was Sun Dan and now he’s a nugget. Bon Appetite.

Wylene Starkie: That’s right. [Wylene Starkie smells the meat] Yum, I’m getting hungry. Now, you are going to love our six-ounce filet mignon. Now, that’s from a cow who hit a kid in the weiner for no reason. No reason at all.

Va Netta: Oh, why don’t you try our lamb chops. These are from lambs who would not stop body shaming the goats. These are bad criminals y’all, but they taste incredible.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Yum! Now, I have got to say that this roast duck was a smart duck who could spell, but the only word it spelled was the R word. When corrected it doubled down hard.

Va Netta: Or why don’t you try our very good apple wood smoked bacon. Here from a little piggy who went to market and held it’s owner at a gunpoint.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: That doesn’t sound like something an animal would do.

Va Netta: You like meat, Colin?

Wylene Starkie: Colin, you are a big meat boy, Colin?

[Va Netta and Wylene Starkie moves the basket of met near Colin]

Colin Jost: Not close, no. I would not say I’m a big meat boy, but I eat meat. Like meat.

[Cut to Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Va Netta: I think we got a big meat boy in the house. Then your mouth must be watering for dumb, mean, bad and worthless animals.

[Cut to Colin, Va Netta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: It kind of is now, yeah.

Wylene Starkie: We got them fur, baby Colin, okay? At Smokery Farms. They’re the bad boys who taste so dang good.

Colin Jost: Va Netta and Wylene Starkie, everyone.

Weekend Update: Michael Cohen’s Congressional Testimony | Season 44 Episode 14

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat stuck in a hole at the left top corner of the screen] Okay, this is weird, but did you guys see this picture online of a chubby sewer rat that got stuck in a manhole? It’s this creature that usually seems gross, but under these circumstances, it’s kind of adorable and you almost feel sorry for it. Well, that’s how I felt about watching [Picture changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen testify before congress. Cohen who looks like he shaves in the car, accused the sitting president of fraud, tax evasion, racism and republicans fired back like, “Yes, that’s our guy”. The testimony had so many fun weird details that no one even followed up about. Like how Cohen said that [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Buffalo Bills logo] Trump inflated his net worth by $4 billion in an effort to buy Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Bills? It’s like using a fake ID to get into a [The picture changes to Nickleback band] Nickleback concert. [Picture changes to Michael Cohen at left and Donald Trump at right] Cohen also provide congress of copies of letters threatening Trump’s high schools and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And well, Cohen did not reveal what those scores were. Let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue than to 1600.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Michael Cohen told congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual. But I am tired of Michael Cohen’s damns in distress routine, “Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.” You stole United State’s presidency. Why are you acting like a bitch now? His voice was not trembling when he was threatening school teachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he was dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave SNL.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Wile Cohen was testifying, President Trump met with North Korean Dictator and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong-Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong-Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at the right corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Some people are saying this summit was a big waste of time. Maybe it was, but I learned Kim Jong-Un has a sister. [Zoom in the picture where a young girl is watching Kim Jong-Un from behind] You see her? I don’t know what she does but she is always hiding [Different pictures appear, all with the girl behind Kim Jong-Un] somewhere behind him and it’s adorable as hell. Like a little Korean Where’s Waldo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at the left corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And then just earlier today, Trump spoke at the C-PAC conference for, I’m not exaggerating, two hours and 20 minutes straight. And it started with Trump coming out and hugging the American flag like Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump hugging the American flag]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

What the hell was that? And then after that, patriotic me too moment, it somehow got crazier from there, here’s just a taste.

[Cut to Donald Trump speech]

Donald Trump: Our country is in big trouble, folks, because we have to get it back. Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television, darling. The Attorney General says, “I’m going to rescue myself.” And I’m in the White House and I was lonely. I said, “Let’s go to Iraq”. So I met generals I don’t know. General one, general two, general three. I said, “What’s your name?” “Sir, my name is Raisin”. What the hell kind of a name—I said, “Raisin like the fruit?” $7 trillion and we have to fly in with no lights. Please get us e-mails! Please! I’m going to regret this speech.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, at least he’s self-aware. Anyway, if you were curious, Trump’s really handling the Cohen testimony really well.

Legal Shark Tank | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Janine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Alan Dreshowitz… John Mulaney Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Robert Kraft… Beck Bennett

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for ‘Shark Tank: Legal Edition’ where celebrities in legal trouble make their case to see if any of our sharks will represent them. [Cut to the legal sharks] First let’s meet our legal sharks. He’s a porn lawyer who might just run for president, [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Sorry for being nervous. [confident and smiling] I hate being on TV.

Narrator: Former prosecutor and current fox news Banshee, [Cut to Janine Pirro] Janine Pirro.

Janine Pirro:  When I walk into the room, all the house plants die.

Narrator: The scourge of Martha’s vineyard, [Cut to Alan Dreshowitz] Alan Dreshowitz.

Alan Dreshowitz: After I started defending Trump, no one invites me to parties anymore. I wish I could go back to defending good people like O.J.

Narrator: And the man, the myth, the leper, [Cut to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani: Don’t feed me after midnight or it’s Gremlin city.

Narrator: Both our guest sharks for tonight, Jingle based attorney Cellino and Barnes.

[Cut to Video Bumper]

Cellino and Barnes, Injury Attorneys

Happy to be here on “Shark Tank”

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: And now let’s meet our first troubled celeb [The door opens and Robert Kraft walks in] seeking legal help, New England patriots owner, Robert Kraft.

Robert Kraft: Hello, sharks.

[Cut to the sharks]

Sharks: Hi, Bob. Hey, Bob.

Rudy Giuliani: I already got a good feeling about being this guy. Yeah.

[Cut to Robert Kraft]

Robert Kraft: Sharks, I am currently in some hot water over accusations that I went to the day spa in Florida and got what turned out to be a not so happy ending. I’m also the only person to ever take a private jet straight to a $59 handjob. I’m seeking an attorney who will make sure no one sees the video of my 77 year old pigskin getting tossed around.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: This is a serious charge, Bob. And as you’ve shown, you can’t beat it on your own. [Michael smiles]

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: If you’ll ask me, the real criminal in this story is the immigrant woman who stole that job from a soft, white, American hand.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Okay, now at the risk of Reese Witherspoon blocking me on twitter, I have to say, can’t a billionaire get a Hojo in peace? Let the man have some fun. Also $59 in Palm Beach? I respect the man for getting a great deal.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen Bob, if you pick me, I would happily go on TV, contradict everything you’ve ever said and then add some additional damaging information free of charge. God bless America.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes happy to defend you especially if the spa had a –

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: UP next, the controversial [The door opens and Jussie Smolett enters] star of ‘Empire’, Jussie Smollett.

Jussie Smollett: Hey everyone, you won’t believe this, but I was just attacked outside the studio by Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, is that true?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Are there cameras outside?

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Yes.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Then no, it is not.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: Jussie, why exactly are you here today?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I broke humanity. But if you take my case, I offer spoilers for next season of Empire. I die.

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: Wow! A gay black man lying about an attack. I wrote Fox news fan fiction about this. But I never thought it would come true. I’m recusing myself. Because I am just too turned on.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, you got everything I love in a client. You’re famous, you’re probably guilty, end of list.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys, and even we want justice.

[Ends with outro]

Narrator: Shark tank, legal edition.

To Have and Have Not | Season 44 Episode 14

Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson

Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney

Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]

Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]

Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.

[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]

Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.

[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]

Steve: Why did you do that for?

Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: All right.

[The door knocks. Cut to Lauren comes in again.]

Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: If you want to.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?

[Cut to Steve and Lauren]

Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?

Steve: Yes I do.

Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no. Of course not.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room]

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.

[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]

Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]

Steve: Okay, you get out of here.

Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.

Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.

Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.

Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.

Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]