Category:

Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule]

[Cut to Fresh Takes intro]

[Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch]

[Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”]

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves]

[The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”]

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]

Weekend Update: Supercentenarian Mort Fellner | Season 44 Episode 13

Mort Fellner… Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A recent report found the United States has the highest number of super centenarians, people 110 years or older. Here with the latest goings on on the super centenarian community is super centenarian, Mort Fellner.

[Mort Fellner joins with papers in his hands]

Mort Fellner: I have papers. I’m a news man like you.

Colin Jost: That’s great, Mort.

Mort Fellner: What?

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Mort Fellner: I thought I’d share some super things that America’s over 700 super centenarians are up to.

Colin Jost: That sounds great.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Okay. 118 year old Edith Farmer has been in the news this week.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. What did she do?

Mort Fellner: She passed away Tuesday of natural causes.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. That’s not where I thought that was going.

Mort Fellner: Hey, Colin. How old is too old to skydive?

Colin Jost: You know what? I’m going to say you are never too old to skydive.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah! Well, 116 year old Josie Baits said the same thing.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great.

Mort Fellner: Go, Josie. She went to Cloud Town skydiving school on Monday [Cut to Mort Fellner] and ascended to 20,000 feet and kept on going up to heaven. She passed away peacefully on the plane of natural causes.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Let’s maybe change the subject a little. Are there any fun super centenarian events coming up?

Mort Fellner: Yup! Mark your calendars. Next month’s annual super centenarian prom–

Colin Jost: That’s fun.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: — has been canceled following the passing of it’s organizer, 113 year old Rose Dally.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: More of something that ends on a more pleasant note.

Mort Fellner: How about Showbiz news.

Colin Jost: Great! Yeah!

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Broadway, meet 114 year old Abner Burton who will join Hamilton next week –

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Mort Fellner: –when he is laid to rest at Trinity Church Graveyard on Broadway in Lower Manhattan, the final resting place for Alexander Hamilton.

Colin Jost: Yeah. See, it’s actively misleading. All right, more– I’m sorry–

Mort Fellner: Hey, hey.

Colin Jost: Are there any headlines you got there about living super centenarians?

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah. Lifelong bachelor, 111 year old Mel Thomas became the country’s oldest newlywed last week when he married 99 year old Ethyl Birmingham–

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cradle robber, right?

Mort Fellner: — on her death bed, it was.

Colin Jost: Don’t pause.

Mort Fellner: Lastly, [Cut to Mort Fellner] 116 year old Gavin McLaughlin was awarded the 2019 sexiest super centenarian alive award, posthumously.

[Cut to Mort Fellner, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Mort Fellner, everyone.

Mort Fellner: No! Can I meet Pete?

Colin Jost: No, you can’t. No. Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: President Trump Declares a National Emergency | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tommy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen] President Trump declared a national emergency yesterday and said we need a wall to stop the flow of drugs into our country. And to demonstrate how bad the problem is, trump spent 20 minutes doing his impressions of a coke addict.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: It’s all a big lie. It’s a big con game. I don’t know what to do with all the money they’re giving us. It’s crazy. Eight billion or two billion or one and half billion—it’s gonna build a lot of wall. We give death penalty. Fire and fury. Total annihilation. The Nobel Peace prize. Probably never get it, but that’s okay, gave it to Obama. So that’s the story.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost:  what a beautiful story it was. Trump then described in a sing-song voice how his decoration will face a lengthy legal challenge before he can actually act on it saying this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued and they will sue us in the ninth circuit, even though it shouldn’t be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we’ll get another bad ruling, and then we will end up in supreme court, and hopefully we’ll get a fair shake, and we’ll win to the supreme court, just like the band.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: [Colin talks in sing-song voice like Donald Trump] Oh, my god. That guy controls our nuclear weapons.

Watching that was like a [Picture changes to School House Rock’s picture] School House Rock had stroke. By the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech outside the White House] you know what an actual national emergency is, the climate change that let the president give an outdoor press conference in the middle of February.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: I’m so tired of telling Donald Trump’s crazy jokes. I have been making fun of this dude and his dumb ass wall for so long, I got to be honest, now, I kind of want to see the wall. I mean, I never have seen anybody so confident in such a bad idea. It’s almost charming. Like when Colin thought [Picture changes to Colin Jost with cornrows hair] he could pull off cornrows. I’m not saying we should let him [Picture changes to Donald Trump and the wall] build the wall, but what if we let him do a power point presentation. A dramatic reenactment. I just want to see exactly what Trump thinks is going to happen when a Mexican cartel sees a wall. What do you think they’re gonna do? Shake their fists and turn around and walk home. Do you know how motivated you got to be to sell drugs? I know a guy that swallowed a bag of dope, pooped it out and washed it off, and then still sold it. You can’t build a wall to stop that kind of crimes man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: And I don’t know if you noticed but Trump’s messaging on the wall keeps changing too. First it was ‘Build a wall’. Then he changed it to ‘Finish the Wall’ and then when he doesn’t finish the wall, it will be, ‘Actually The Wall Was Inside Of Us The Whole Time’. However, the deal with congress did provide funding for a 55-mile section of slats, and we actually have one of Trump’s best guys who is there right now. He’s already started building it. Did you finish that first section yet Tommy?

[Cut to Tommy in front of the wall. The slats are horizontally built like a ladder.]

Tommy: That’s right, this slats all ready to go, boss. Oh, that hurts, I think we built a ladder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: That was it. Trump described increased violence at the border, but to be fair, he had air tight evidence to back it up.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I used many stats.

Reporter: Could you share those stats with us?

Donald Trump: Let me tell you, you have stats that are far worse than the ones that I use. I use many stats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: Many of them. Does anyone get the sneaking suspicion when he says many, he means zero. It’s like turning in a paper where the bibliography section just says many books.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: This wall is clearly racist. It’s just a way for the native Americans to blame brown people for their new heroin habit. Why didn’t they build a wall for us it in the 80s when we needed it. But the problem isn’t that drugs are coming in, the problem is people really want to get high. Address that part. If your wife is cheating on you, she is not going to stop because you built a wall around the house. You have to get the root of the actual problem, otherwise you just going to come home and find strange men running around in those slats.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Oscars – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.

[Jules comes in]

Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.

Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?

Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.

Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.

Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?

Jules:  I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.

Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?

Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.

Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules]  Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?

Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.

Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.

Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.

 

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]

Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.

[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]

[Cheers and applause]

Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.

Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.

Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.

Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]

Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.

Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The  president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.

Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?

Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well,  that sounds like a lot to me.

Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.

Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.

Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”

Nancy Pelosi: What?

Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]

Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay.

Chuck Schumer: You got us.

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.

Wedding Venue Ad | Season 44 Episode 13

Husband… Kate McKinnon

Wife… Aidy Bryant

Chef, Photographer and DJ… Don Cheadle

[Starts with video clips of dining hall]

Husband: Silks.

Wife: Satin.

Husband: Big drapes.

Wife: Crystal goblets.

Husband: Gold forks.

Wife: Everything shiny.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: Anything you want, we have at the Regal Promenade for Billions.

Wife: We’re located in Queens right across form where the taxis go to sleep.

Husband: Amazing wedding for your niece with braces.

Wife: She has a big princess dress with boobies on top? It’ll look perfect dragging a cross our driveway.

Husband: The roundest driveway in Queens. We have everything.

Wife: Dusty scone.

Husband: Windows.

Wife: Light bulbs and ceilings.

Husband: Loose outlet. You plug in your phone and they fall right out.

Wife: Chairing wearing a dress like a beautiful late lady.

Husband: The youngest valets you can imagine.

Wife:  They born 2005.

Husband: Everything we have, it has a carpet.

Wife: Bathroom carpet and kitchen carpet. Even chair feel like carpets.

Husband: Are you hungry? We can fix that.

Wife: Our world renowned chef can make your dinner.

[Cut to Chef]

Chef: The buttered sea shells. The rolls hard and big. The entrée, take on liquid potato covered in the squeakiest green beans you will ever bite in your life. Guaranteed to be kissed by a mouth.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: We got married at 12 years old.

Wife: Join us for a wedding. Corporate banquet. Real house wife fashion show.

Husband: If your brother’s going to get in fist fight out of christening please have it here.

Wife: With us, you’re where you will have it all.

Husband: Screaming 8-year-old in a tuxedo.

Wife: Dad with a wad of cash.

Husband: A free balloon stuck to the ceiling.

Wife: Pink soap that hates your hands. And don’t forget, our two guys at the door.

Husband: Just try to leave without paying. They are going to kill you.

Wife: Treasure your memories with photos.

Husband: They can buy our in house cameraman.

[Cut to Photographer]

Photographer: I will get the shot. I will be in your face. You will see sixth pictures of the ceremony, 200 of a specific bride’s maids. And one of myself, on mistake.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Wife: If you’re have your wedding here, we will both going to be there.

Husband: Standing in back on walkie-talkies, I yell at the staff.

Wife: And I’m going to slap my daughter in front of your family, free of charge.

Husband: For the police show up, we are church, okay?

Wife: And for dancing, we provide a DJ with exquisite light and sound equipment.

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: My lights are every color and everywhere. Guaranteed to blind and confuse your grandma. And I got mad songs. I got Shania Twain and Black Street Boys. And a cookie little Jewish songs for when they run around in a circle at the bar. That’s it.

[Cut to husband and wife]

Husband: And listen, if it’s a gay wedding, we will probably giggle a little bit.

Wife: That’s the Regal Promenade Pavilion.

Husband and Wife: We make your wedding look like a wedding.

Roach-Ex | Season 44 Episode 13

Bill… Mikey Day

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Roach Don… Don Cheadie

Roach Kyle… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of a house][Cut to a family sitting in living room, Bill, his wife and his son]

Narrator: We are Roach-Ex now. [Doorbell rings] There’s nothing worse than unexpected [Bill opens the door] house guests. [Roach Don and Roach Kyle are outside the door]

Roach Don: Home sweet home.

[Roaches get in comfortably]

Narrator: Especially roaches.

Roach Kyle: Nice place!

[Cut to Bill outside his toilet]

[Roach Kyle comes out]

Narrator: They always make their presence felt.

Roach Kyle: Give it a minute.

[Cut to dark room]

Narrator: And once roaches move in—

[Bill turns on the light. The Roaches are making mess at the dining table.]

Roach Don: Hey, knock it off with the light, huh?

Narrator: They make themselves right at home.

[Cut to Roach Don is between Bill and his wife watching TV]

Roach Don: Ha-ha! He won’t actually say anything.

[Cut to Roach Don puts his hand on Bill’s wife’s knee and Bill notices it]

Narrator: And before you know it, [Cut to Bill opens curtain to see Roach Don, his wife and his son getting along outside the house] they’re practically part of the family.

[Cut to Bill getting inside the house]

Because when it comes to roaches —

Bill: Hello?

Narrator: Let’s face it.

[Cut to Bill walking up stairs]

Bill:  Hun?

Narrator: What’s yours – is theirs. [Bill opens the bedroom door and finds his wife and Roach Don having sex]

[Cut to Bill meets Roach Don at the hall way]

Bill: You had sex with my wife.

Roach Don:  Somebody had to.

[Roach Don pats Bills shoulder and leaves]

[Cut to Bill’s wife in bed smoking a cigarette]

Bill: That’s not good.

[Cut to Roach Don, Bill’s wife and Bill’s son in TV room] [Bill walks in] Get out of my house!

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don: Oh, Bill, perfect timing. We’re running a little low on snacks, buddy.

[Bill takes out a Roach-Ex Plus spray]

[Cut to Bill’s wife]

Bill’s Wife: Bill? Bill, you’re drunk.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up!

[Cut to Roach Kyle. He sees the Roach-Ex Plus spray and hides away]

[Cut to Bill with his spray and a bottle of whiskey drinking]

Roach Don: Well, well, well. [Cut Roach Don walks to Bill] A big man’s got himself a can of Roach-Ex Plus. What are you going to do with it, Bill? Are you going to spray me?

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up.

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don:  Well, spray me, Bill. Go ahead, do it. [Bill’s hand is shivering] You know what, I’ll give you a little help. [Roach Don puts is head to the spray]

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: You’re crazy?

Roach Don: That’s right, I’m crazy, Bill. [Cut to Bill’s wife scared] Get me out of your house, you just got to push the nozzle. Do it.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I’ll do it.

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Do it, Bill. Spray me. Do it!

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I will!

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Ha-ha. You can’t do it, can you, Bill? You know why? Because you’re not a man. You’re nothing but  a—Ahh!

[Bill’s son sprayed the Roach-Ex Plus on Roach Don][Roach Don falls to the ground and starts to shiver, and slowly dies]

Bill’s Wife: No! No! No!

Narrator: So send roaches an eviction notice with Roach-Ex Plus roach killer. Roaches don’t stand a chance.

 

Weekend Update: This Is America Wins Song of the Year | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Childish Gambino at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Childish Gambino’s ‘This is America’ made history when it became the first rap song to win song of the year at the Grammy’s. If you’re wondering why it took so long for rap to win this award, it’s cause this is America.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Rubin Diaz at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: New York city council member and bounty hunter from the future Rubin Diaz has been criticized after saying that New York city council is controlled by the homosexual community, which is strange criticism coming form a guy who looks like all the villages put together. [The picture changes to an ambulance] New York city lawmakers have also proposed a new law that would change the sound of the emergency vehicle siren to resemble those used in Europe. That way when you can spend your ride in the ambulance pretending you have universal health care.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ryan Adams at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The FBI is investigating whether Ryan Adams committed crime by engaging in textually explicit communications with a 14 year old fan. Another example of a white musician doing something that [Picture changes to R. Kelly] a black musician did first.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of five democratic centers at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Well, the —

Michael Che: I’ll stand by.

Colin Jost: Yes. Political experts note that the five democratic centers who have announced runs for president have not attacked each other yet because they’re friends. But that will change soon because one sassy bitch didn’t come here to [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] make friends. On Thursday, [Picture changes to Queens city and Amazon’s logo]  Amazon announced they were cancelling plans to open a second headquarters in Queens means losing 25,000 new jobs. Even if you hate Amazon and all is it stands for, 25,000 is a lot of jobs. That’s like all the jobs in Greece. And by the way, there are a lot worse companies in New York than Amazon. For example, [Picture changes to the logo of Trump Organization] the Trump Organization. That’s only created like five jobs. Though in fairness, they were for highly unskilled laborers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Last Call with Carson Daly’s cover photo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Carson Daly announced that he will be ending his show ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ after discovering that he was still on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Katy Perry’s fashion shoe at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Katy Perry’s fashion line had discontinued a show after criticism that it resembled black face. But I don’t know, it doesn’t even really resemble a shoe. If anyone should be mad about this, it’s Mrs. Potato Head.

Michael Che: That was a good joke.

Colin Jost: Oh thank you. [Picture changes to a fire brigade and a box of Cheese It] A man was arrested after he locked his mother and brother in a house that set fire to it after getting in an argument with them about a box of Cheese Its, which I blame in their new slogan is ‘Cheese It, so good, you’ll murder your family’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an airport at the left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The regional airport in South Carolina was shut down for several hours after a woman was found wandering the grounds almost completely naked. Except for her landing strip.

Extreme Baking Championship | Season 44 Episode 13

Show host… Alex Moffat

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Chantal… Leslie Jones

Jimmy…Don Cheadle

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Extreme Baking Championship intro]

Narrator: We not return to the Extreme Baking Championship on the food network.

[Cut to the show. The contestants are panicking.]

Show host: All right, bakers. I’m sorry to say this, [Cut to Show host] but time is up.

[Cut to Ralph and Sandy]

Ralph: My word!

[Cut to Jimmy and Chantal]

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Today’s extreme baking theme was cartoon confection and each of you had two hours to make cakes featuring beloved cartoon characters. Now it’s time to present your cakes to the judges. [Cut to Chantal, Show host and the judges] First up is home baker, Chantal.

Chantal: Hi, judges. I’m so excited.

Aidy Bryant: Hi, Chantal. Tell us what you made today, sweetie.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Well, my character was Olaf the Snowman from the movie ‘Frozen’. [Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept] My design uses a marshmallow structure to create a delicious 3D snow bank. Olaf is made from sponge cake and he skated on a frozen pond made of sponge sugar. [Cut to Chantal] Cold never bothered him anyway.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: It’s very ambitious. You did all that in two hours?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, ma’am. I did.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, let’s see it, Chantal.

[Cut to Chantal. She opens the cake box and her cake is terribly made.]

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow! Chantal, looks like you had some problems.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, I had some problems and I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: What went wrong?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I think my nerves got the best of me and also I’m bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, well let’s go ahead and taste your cake. [The judges taste the cake]

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Is it good?

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: No, it’s not. No.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I know. I did a bad job.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Thank you. All right. Now, next up is home baker and go-to-work dad, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Hey, judges. I want this so bad and I’m ready to compete.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: That’s great, Jimmy. Tell us what you did today.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, tickle me excited because my character was Tickle Me Elmo’s best friend, the Cookie Monster.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Weird way to get there, but okay. Okay.

[Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept]

Jimmy: I used vanilla sponge cake covered in blueberry royal icing and cookie’s about to hang ten on his brand new skateboard made of taffy. And is that a chocolate chip cookie road he is skating on? [Cut to Jimmy] The answer is, Frick, yes.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: Jimmy, that sounds incredible.

Aidy Bryant: Are you happy with how it turned out?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Yes, ma’am, I am.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: Well, let’s see it. Oh, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake box. Jimmy opens the box and the cake is terribly made.]

Jimmy: It’s bad. I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: What went wrong?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: You know, I think just me being here and everything I did while I was here.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: And you wrote the name Shawn on the cake. Who is Sean?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: I don’t know. I don’t know Sean. I don’t know why I wrote that.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Well, that’s too bad. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us what you made.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Hi, judges. My character was the undersea optimist, Spongebob. He came out so good. I’m just going to show you. [Sandy opens her cake box, and the cake looks great.] Okay. So, what do you think?

[Cut to Show host and the hosts]

Aidy Bryant: It’s fine.

Show host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? You are moving on?

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Afraid so, Sandy. Yeap. [Unknown voice says “Kill me!” The Show host looks around.] I’m sorry, hang on. Is that your cake, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake, his cake is speaking]

Jimmy’s Cake: I shouldn’t be— Kill me!

[Cut to judges]

Ego Nwodim: What’s going on there, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, ma’am—[Jimmy’s cake pukes] I believe that my cake is such an abomination that it has maybe come to life.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Please destroy me! I feel nothing but pain!

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Well, that’s disgusting, but also pretty creative.

[Cut to Sandy and Jimmy]

Sandy: I’m sorry, are you seriously saying that cake is better than my cake?

Jimmy’s Cake: Umm, bitch!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Sandy, I’m not judge so I can say this. You are coming off as crazy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake. It can’t stop puking.]

Jimmy’s Cake: Grr, cookies!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Now, moving on to Ralph. What cartoon character did you choose?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My cartoon was Yoda, the Pesky Elf.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: That’s not a cartoon character and not an Elf, but let’s see it.

[Cut to Ralph. Ralph opens his cake box.]

[Ralph’s cake is Yoda holding a green stick. His cake is fine.]

Ralph: Okay.

Beck Bennett: Okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] Interesting. And what’s that he’s holding?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s his famous penis, of course.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow, we have a tough decision to make.

[Cut to contestants]

Sandy: No, you do not.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Send me hell where I belong! [Jimmy’s cake pukes again]

Jimmy: Shut up. Shut up.

Show host: No! all right. [Cut to Show host] We’ll be back with the judges’ decision right after this.

Bar Fight | Season 44 Episode 13

Nelson… Beck Bennett

Darla… Heidi Gardner

Rick… Mikey Day

Don Cheadle

[Starts with a clip of road side bar] [Cut to Don Cheadle drinking at the bar. Nelson and Rick come to the bar.]

Nelson: Hey Darla, how about two shots of Jack and one peek of that fine ass of yours. Please.

Darla: Keep dreaming, Nelson.

Nelson: What, I said please.

Rick: That you did, Nelson.

Nelson: All right. Cheers, to the open road—[Don Cheadle pushes Nelson’s elbow] Hey, man! What the hell? [Nelson pushes Don Cheadle] Y’all just made me spill my whiskey.

[Don Cheadle stands and prepares to fight]

Don Cheadle: You don’t want none of this man.

Nelson: Oh, I reckon I do.

Don Cheadle: Well, I guess we got some business then.

Nelson: All right.

[Cut to everybody in the bar]

Rick: Come on, y’all, clear some space. There’s gonna be a fight. [People are preparing, removing tables to make space for the fight]

Nelson: Put my fighting song on, Rick. I want something to listen to while I’m beating this ass.

Rick: You got it, brother. [Rock goes to jukebox and plays the song]

Don Cheadle: Come on, son. Take a swing.

Nelson: I’m fixin’ to.

Don Cheadle: Well, go on then.

Nelson: Ladies first. Come on!

[Music starts to play] [Don Cheadle is confused]

Don Cheadle: What is the song?

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson: I don’t know.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s very bright. It’s very fun. Is this your fighting song?

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: No, hey, rick, what’s up with this song, brother? Did do you a-26?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah. I’m sorry about that, I think I put on the wrong song.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Well, I’m good brother. I ain’t here to listen to music. I’m here to fight.

Don Cheadle: Guess that are makes two of us then.

[Nelson and Don are trying to fight, but it looks like they’re dancing to the music]

Nelson: Come on. What you waiting for?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s just don’t feel right with this sucking on a lollipop song on. I know you feel it, too.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle. They are actually dancing now.]

Nelson: Yeah, yeah, I do. Darla, can we change the song?

[Cut to Darla]

Darla: Yeah, we can’t skip it. Either drink or fight.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Well, I want to fight. It just don’t feel right with this song on.

Nelson: So what do we do? Wait it out?

Don Cheadle: Sounds like a plan, bitch!

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Ha, you like it.

Nelson: No, I don’t.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you do. You dancing to it.

[Cut to Rick dancing slowly]

Rick: Like, no, he ain’t. He’s just moving his body to the rhythm. Same as the rest of us.

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Don Cheadle: Yeah, that’s called dancing, dumbass.

Nelson: At best I’m boppin’ around. Nothing more, nothing less.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, punk.

Nelson: What do you reckon this song’s about?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Oh, I think it’s about letting you fight it and not pushing it. That’s what the fella means when he says, “Sucking on your lollipop”.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Yeah, that’s what I reckon, too.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you are right. Your dumb as probably thought it was about candy.

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson:  Oh, I want to beat you down so bad. How much longer is this song? And also, what’s it called and who sings it?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: It’s called “Lollipop” it’s by Mika.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, don’t let me forget that, bud.

Rick: Looks like, building into a big finish. Good.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Time kick your ass. And is that “Mika” with a “K” or a “C-h”?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: That’s a ‘K’.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, here we go. Getting funky.

Don Cheadle: So much going on this song?

Nelson: Oh! Here’s that big finish. Here we go!

[Everybody in the bar start dancing with Nelson and Don Cheadle]

[Nelson and Don Cheadle are holding hands and dancing]

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

[The song finished. Everybody is cheering.]

[Don Cheadle suddenly punches Nelson]

Nelson: What the hell, man. I thought we were having fun?

Don Cheadle: Fun’s over, punk!

[Don Cheadle jumps on Nelson]

[Cut to the clip of road side bar]