Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Dope Squad

Trisa Hogan… Aidy Bryant

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with promotion interview of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for a movie.]

Trisa Hogan: Hi ladies. I’m Trisa Hogan for Pop News Daily After Show Podcast .Jpeg.

Tina Fey: Hi there.

Amy Poehler: Hi.

Trisa Hogan: You know, you got movies, television, kids. How do you juggle it all?

Amy Poehler: You know, we just have a great squad of people who help us out.

Trisa Hogan: Oh yeah, squad! Models and stars.

Tina Fey: No! It’s not like that. You wanna know what it’s like? Then shut the hell up and listen.

[music playing]

[Cut to movie Tina & Amy’s Dope Squad intro. It’s showing females with arms and weapons.]

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: [singing] We’ve gotta deep dope squad
it takes our daily job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we roll deep, hey!

The woman at the diner
who always knows my order
my mammogram technician
dude who returned my wallet in taxi

There’s our gynecologist
our real life gynecologist
we share a gynecologist
she’s a huge part of the squad

Trisa Hogan: I think I get what you guys are saying. It’s like…

[rapping] A queen ain’t a queen just for sitting up front
she needs a whole damn crew, she can’t do it alone
it’s a healthy mix of friends and assistant
offering support and taking care of business
it can be M.I.A. from the P.T.A.
coz you’re picking up Leche from Trader Jose’s
slice in two duet with a samurai
all the while dealing with U.T.I.

So, you guys are like, so, so, down to earth.

Tina Fey: No.don’t misunderstand bitch.

Amy Poehler: Our squad is veritable, who’s who.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: We hanging with Gayle King
Robert Downey Sr.
You’ve heard of Amy Schumer

Tina Fey: Well I did her show so she owes me one

Amy Poehler: Favor!

Amy Schumer: Wait, is this not a charity thing?

Tina Fey: In a way.

Amy Poehler: Sort of.

Tina Fey: You know what? Let’s just do a slow motion post apocalyptic walk.

Amy Schumer: Okay.

[Amy starts showing funny moves]

Wait, who are we mad at?

All: We’ve got a dope squad
It takes care of our job
we got the best ladies
we’ve been told that we will do it!

[Scene where Trisa Hogan, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Amy Schumer are walking side by side and there’s an explosion at the back.]

Amy Schumer: Oh, my god!

Tina Fey: Guys, you cannot just trigger an explosion and not tell people.

Amy Poehler: It’s a different world now, guys!

Tina Fey: Trisa Hogan0 times! Trisa Hogan0 times.

Amy Poehler: Okay, everyone alright?

Amy Schumer: No. No, I’m suing everyone here.

Trisa Hogan: Okay.

[The End]

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro]

[cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]

Advice To Running Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Young Hillary Clinton… Amy Poehler

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

[Starts with Hillary Clinton talking to herself on a mirror in The Clinton Residence on Christmas Eve. She is wearing a robe.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I’m dreaming of a White House

Merry Christmas Hillary. Oh! In just eleven months you’re gonna finally get your present. No one can stop you now. The republicans are bozos, the DNC is sabotaging Bernie, I think you’re gonna sleep well tonight. Let me just get in my pajamas.

[Present Hillary Clinton opens her robe and inside, she is wearing her usual black dress and a blue coat, and a necklace.]

So relaxing. Perfect! Now let’s just get tucked in the bed in here. All nice and cozy. For a night of productive dreaming.

[Present Hillary Clinton suddenly falls asleep]

[smoke is coming from everywhere and someone is laughing]

Is someone there? I hear strong yet feminine laughter.

[Past Hillary Clinton appears in the smoke]

Past Hillary Clinton: Hillary, it’s me, Hillary.

[cheers and applause]

It’s me, Hillary from 2008.

Present Hillary Clinton: Hi Hillary. Hi Hillary.

Past Hillary Clinton: Hello Hillary.

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Ah!

Past Hillary Clinton: You changed your hair.

Present Hillary Clinton: Yes, yes. People said I should so I did.[laughing]

Past Hillary Clinton: And your laugh is different too. It’s less joyful.

Present Hillary Clinton: Well, well, I’ve been through seven years more things. So… Here’s the little sneak peak. Benghazi.

Past Hillary Clinton: Who is Benghazi?

Present Hillary Clinton: [laughing] You young naive girl of 61. But don’t worry. It all works out. We’re about to be president.

Past Hillary Clinton: That’s actually why I’m here Hillary. To warn you. On Christmas eve, 2007, I was cocky too. And then someone named Barack Obama stumbled out of his soup kitchen with a basketball and cigarette and stole my life.

Present Hillary Clinton: I remember. I remember but it’s different this time. I’m running against Bernie never heard of him Sanders.

Past Hillary Clinton: What? Bernie? We love Bernie. He’s a great senator.

Present Hillary Clinton: [stopping Past Hillary Clinton] Bernie Sanders is a human Birkenstock. Mama’s got this presidency in the bag. So, we’ll pound to that.

Past Hillary Clinton: Let’s what to what?

Present Hillary Clinton: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s how I have to talk in 2015. Not enough to just work hard, we have to be cool but tough, soft but strong, sweet old lady but a sweet old lady that says, “Yas, queen!”

Past Hillary Clinton: Now, hold on Hillary. Even if you beat Bernie, aren’t you worried about the republicans? Who is their front runner?

Present Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I will tell you but only if you grab on to something to brace yourself because you are going to hit the f-ing floor.

Past Hillary Clinton: I’ll be fine. Just tell me.

Present Hillary Clinton: No, yet you need to hold on to something.

Past Hillary Clinton: Hillary.

Present Hillary Clinton: I am warning you.

Past Hillary Clinton: Just tell me.

Present Hillary Clinton: Donald Trump.

[Past Hillary Clinton falls down on the floor]

I told you.

Past Hillary Clinton: Oh, my god! We’re gonna be president.

Present Hillary Clinton: I know!

[smoke is coming from everywhere again]

What is this? Did you bring someone else with you?

[Sarah Palin appears in the smoke]

Sarah Palin: Oh jeez! Looks like I went through time and space again.

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Hello Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, what the heck. I landed in the bedroom of a lesbian couple.

Past Hillary Clinton: We’re not lesbians. We’re Hillary Clintons.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Oh, right. We ran for president together. Oh, you poor thing. I heard that after you lost you had to become a secretary.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton looking furious]

Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton: Of State!

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Oh god, that was a real fun election. I was paired up with that cute little John McKin fella. May he rest in peace I’m guessing.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: He’s alive.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: I remember he was great. I remember he had that real funny saying. He said, “Sarah, you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Sarah, that’s fun but can we focus? Coz I’m running for president again and I’m getting advice from the smartest woman I know.

Past Hillary Clinton: Me!

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Well, jeez! I should be the one giving you advice coz in 2008, [Cut to everybody] I got a heck of a lot closer to the White House than this gal did.

[Past Hillary Clinton is walking forward to fight with Sarah Palin, but Present Hillary Clinton is stopping her.]

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Here’s my advice. You gotta do what you believe in your spirit but also America, but not teachers and their fat liberal books, but also and even why worry about fast food wages with their status quo which is another Latin word, status quo. Meanwhile Americans are being taken for a ride and also the men can only ride you when your back is bent. So…

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Okay, well, thank you Sarah.

Past Hillary Clinton: Yeah, she’ll keep that in mind.

[Cut to Sarah Palin]

Sarah Palin: Also, if it gets too hard, just quit. Who cares?

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Present Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Past Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Present Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

Past Hillary Clinton: Who cares?

[Cut to everybody]

Sarah Palin: Hillary, we should let you get going and get back to some sleep.

[Cut to Present Hillary Clinton and Past Hillary Clinton]

Past Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I need to get back to 2008 and send a bunch of emails.

[Past Hillary Clinton takes her phone out to send emails but Present Hillary Clinton takes away her phone and breaks it.]

Present Hillary Clinton: No!

Past Hillary Clinton: But Hillary, my secrets!

Present Hillary Clinton: Trust me, you’ll thank me later. Now ladies, before you go I know we’re all from different times and we have different politics but should we take a sec to do that thing we all love to do?

Sarah Palin: Oh heck yeah, Hillary!

Past Hillary Clinton: Let’s do it.

[rap music starts playing and all three of them start dancing.]

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Breaking Bad

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Golden Globe nominations were announced this week honoring the best in film and television. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! Merry Christmas you frothy glass of eggnog.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Welcome Leslie. Merry Christmas. So what do you think of this year’s nominees?

Leslie Jones: Man, I’m mad as hell, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I can’t believe the golden globe snub the greatest show on television, Breaking Bad.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait. Leslie–

Leslie Jones: Don’t interrupt me.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Leslie Jones: Okay? So the dad from Malcolm in the Middle gets cancer. He starts cooking meth. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Great idea, right? But his wife Skylar doesn’t approve. I mean Mr. White is making a million dollars a day, Colin. A day! And she still not happy. I’m like, “You need to get your ass your there and juggle them balls, bitch!” That is your purpose.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie, Breaking Bad came out seven years ago on AMC.

Leslie Jones: What the hell is AMC? Don’t they make hatchbacks or something like that? I can’t believe you ain’t telling me about Breaking Bad.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? I told you about it all the time.

Leslie Jones: Man, I’m always trying to have sex with you. You think I hear you talk?

[Cut to Leslie Jones] Anyway, Mr. White is making a million dollars a day. So, it got me thinking about my retirement. You know what I’m saying? So I enrolled myself in a nice cool chemistry class.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on, wait a second. Are you saying you’re gonna start making meth?

Leslie Jones: Eventually. [Cut to Leslie Jones] We haven’t got to the meth yet. We’re still making volcanoes. They won’t let us get to the good stuff. But I already stole all the beakers and the bunsen burners from the joint and I bought a RV and parked it our there by the tree.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You’re saying you took a mobile meth lab, parked it under the Christmas tree of Rockefeller Center?

Leslie Jones: Yeah! The only thing I need now is emotionally damaged white boy. You wanna be my Jessie Jones?

Colin Jost: Of course, yes, I will be, Leslie. But I’m not emotionally damaged.

Leslie Jones: Oh, you will be when I’m finished with you.

Colin Jost: Okay. Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: Woo! We’re cooking it, baby!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time Magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?

Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.

Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?

Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]

Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.

Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus. We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: Oh yeah.

Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.

Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.

Colin Jost: Same stylist?

Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.

Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.

Angela Merkel: Time for me.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cuban flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Brooklyn has adopted a stray kitten they found while in a trip to Cuba. So congratulations, your plan worked caviar!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of young kids at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new poll, only 65% of American teenagers still think Facebook is cool. ‘I still like those odds”, said a sex offender.

[Picture changes to a cartoon character Charlie Brown.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Is that the sex offender?

Colin Jost: I think that was the other. Sex offender was like, “Aw!” A former child actor who played the voice of Charlie Brown in several peanut specials was sentenced to five years prison for making criminal threats. All this despite the fact that he had access to affordable psychiatric care. [Picture changes to cartoon picture of Charlie Brown sitting in front of a board that says “Psychiatric Help 5 cents.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a candle and Pringles chips logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Pringles is now selling candles scented like their potato chips. In case anybody wants to die in a saddest fire.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burt Reynolds and Charlie Sheen at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Burt Reynolds criticized Charlie Sheen saying he deserves to get HIV. Adding, “For his work in Major League 2.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I like that one. A woman was arrested by New Jersey Police for Drunk Driving, repeatedly telling officers that she was “Looking for New Jersey.” But you know, if you’re driving around drunk and lost, you don’t need to look for New Jersey, coz it’s been inside of you the whole time.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

At a rally in South Carolina, Donald Trump called for a total and complete ban on Muslims entering the US. [Picture changes to Ben Carson] Ben Carson agreed that Muslims are dangerous agents of evil who speak in unintelligible language and are yellow with blue pants and goggles, and he’s definitely thinking of minions. [Picture changes to The Minions.] You know, this is gonna sound crazy, but I don’t believe Donald Trump is a racist. I think he’s just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He’s hassling them. His best friends are Mike Tyson, Don King and Omarosa. I know black people that wouldn’t hangout with those black people. Donald Trump is as much of a racist as he is a devout Christian gun fanatic. None of what he saying is true. You don’t just develop racism overnight on a campaign trip. Racism is embedded deep down in a person’s soul. I’ve looked into that man’s eyes. Donald Trump doesn’t have a soul. There’s nothing in there but dollar signs floating in cologne.

At this point, Trump is the political equivalent of phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies republicans want to hear. And his supporters are hanging up saying, “I think Donald Trump really likes me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I agree I don’t think Donald Trump is a racist. That’s just what he is selling. The same way [Picture changes to Peyton Manning on Papa Johns commercial] Peyton Manning sells Papa Johns. He doesn’t actually go home and eat Papa Johns. I mean, that guys has enough internal injuries as it is. But isn’t it almost worse if Donald Trump doesn’t believe what he’s saying? Because it’s one thing to sell Papa Johns, it’s another thing to sell it by saying, “We should round up all the Taco Bells and send them back to Mexico.”

[Picture changes to Jeb Bush]

According to a new report, Jeb Bush’s campaign and the super packs supporting him have spent more than $30 million on ads for him. And from the looks of those ads, it seems like things aren’t going great for Jeb.

[Cut to made up Jeb Bush Commercial]

[Sentimental music playing while showing pictures of Jeb Bush looking sad. At the bottom, it is written “Rescue Jeb Today 1-800-5550-199.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kendrick Lamar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Send some money today. The Grammy nominations were announced with Kendrick Lamar getting 11 nominations. [cheers and applause] I know. It’s a first good news in a while about a black guy getting something 11 times.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cool.

Star Wars Toy Commercial

Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of Star Wars toys]

Male voice: New Start Wars: The Force Awakens toys and action figures are here.

Two kids: Cool!

Male voice: Are you ready to bring the adventure of Star Wars universe into your home?

Two kids: The force is with us.

[Two nerd adults walk in]

Bobby: And us.

Taran: Yeah! Us too.

Male voice: New action figures and play sets for ages six and up.

Three nerd adults: [holding the toys] Way up!

Male voice: Battle the evil Kylo Ren.

Kid: I’m gonna get you in my light saver.

Taran: Or leave it in the box!

Kid: Storm troopers, attack!

Bobby: Or leave them in the box and never touch them.

Male voice: All your favorite Star Wars heroes and villains.

Kid: I have Rey and Finn.

Kyle: I have three of each. One to display, one to open and one just in case.

Kid: Why?

Male voice: Nonstop Star Wars action. Like Chewbacca with a clip-on forest armor.

Kid: Time to suit up!

[Taran stops the id]

Taran: Or, just look at it! Radical!

Male voice: Launch into hyper-space with Battle Action Millennial Falcon with real movie sounds.

Bobby: It’s completely movie accurate! [A kid is playing with his ship] No, what are you doing? [He takes the ship toy back and shows the kid] That’s not how it lands. It goes [making sound of ship] pssssss, arrrrrr, khssssssss, phssss, phssss.

Male voice: You control the force. You control the action.

[A kid is hitting two figures on each other]

Kyle: They don’t fight like that.

Kid: Yeah, just lid Dug Vador.

Kyle: [angry] Dug Vador?

Male voice: The power is in your hand.

[Taran is playing the toy while a kid is watching him]

Kid: Does your wife like toys too?

Male voice: Collect them all and the fun never stops.

[Bobby is cleaning his action figure to put it on the shelf for show, while three kids are watching him do that.]

Bobby: Awesome!

Male voice: Start Wars: The Force Awakens action figures. Each sold separately for children and adult collectors.

Kids: Star Wars!

[All the adults run in with their toys]

Adults: May force be with you!

[The End]

On The Record With Greta Van Susteren

Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]

Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.

[Cut to Greta in her set]

Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.

[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]

Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?

Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Exactly!

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]

Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?

Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?

Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]

Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?

Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]

Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?

[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]

Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.

Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.

Greta: Jordan.

Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.

Greta: That’s alright.

Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.

Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: No. I said condemnation.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.

[Cut to Greta]

Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.

[The End]