Category: 2014

39 Cents

Charles Daniels… Bill Hader

Jay Pharoah

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Ballery… Vanessa Bayer

[Start with video clips of slum dwellers.]

[Cut to Charles Daniels]

Charles Daniels: Hello. I’m Charles Daniels. For years, we’ve been taking it to villages like his, and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor. They need your help. And for only 39 cents a day, you can provide water, food and medicine for these people. Just 39 cents, that’s less than a small cup of coffee, but it can make all the difference in the world to the people in this village.

[A slum dweller washing clothes whispering]

Jay: Ask for more.

Charles Daniels: Sorry?

Jay: Ask for more money. Why are you starting so low?

[Cut to Charles Daniels speaking in the village]

Charles Daniels: As you can see these villagers are desperate for your help. So, don’t hesitate. Pick up the phone.

[Slum dwellers at the back talking]

Kenan: Ay, what they shooting?

Jay: Commercial of something.

Kenan: A what?

Charles Daniels: Dial the number and send over 39 cents. That’s all we need.

Kenan: [yelling from the back] Start higher!

Jay: I know, right?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents may not sound like a lot, but it can mean so much to these families.

Jay: [speaking from behind] It’s not even a round number. Like, if he said $one, I could see how he got there.

Kenan: Yeah, but you know, they always have to take away a penny to make it sound like less.

Jay: I get that. I’m just saying, why not start at 99 cents?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents, that’s [speaking loudly so that Jay and Kenan can hear] all these people need survive. And they’d be so, so lucky and appreciative to get it. So, for the price of a cup coffee.

[Sasheer walks to Jay and Kenan behind]

Sasheer: Who that?

Kenan: He talking about all they need to send is a bare minimum to keep us alive.

[Cut to Charles Daniels talking in another place]
Charles Daniels: We’re not asking for the bare minimum. [Jay, Kenan and Sasheer are following Charles Daniels] This number has been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.

Sasheer: How?

Charles Daniels: How?

Sasheer: How are you gonna safe our lives from only 39 cents? Because I’m trying to do the math in my head but I just can’t see it.

Charles Daniels: 39 cents is plenty.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: He keeps saying 39  cents. Why you keep saying 39 cents?

Charles Daniels: For the price of a cup of coffee.

Leslie: Why can’t it be the price of Arizona Ice Tea? They 99 cents.

Charles Daniels: Because it’s not the price of an Arizona. It’s gotta be coffee.

Jay: It don’t though.

Sasheer: Plus, coffee is way more expensive than 39 cents.

Charles Daniels: It’s 39 cents. You know, for starving village, you people have a lot of energy. Maybe people will just send their checks some place else.

Kenan: Oh, you asking for a check? Yo, why would you ask for a check?

Sasheer: You’d settle for a check.

Charles Daniels: It’s got to be a check, okay?

Jay: It don’t though.

[Ballery walks in]

Ballery: Here’s your coffee and your change, Mr. Daniels.

Charles Daniels: Perfect timing Ballery. I love it.

Kenan: Ay, white lady, how much is that coffee?

Charles Daniels: It doesn’t matter.

Leslie: I bet you don’t even know what country you in.

Charles Daniels: I do know what country I’m in.

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: What? What country are you at?

Charles Daniels: Africa?

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: Oh! Listen! Hell no!

[Leslie looks at the camera and speaks]

Leslie: Ay! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again, you better send us $Jay00 cash right now. Don’t hesitate.

[Cut to HelpFund video bumper. It has ‘Send $Jay00 to save Charles Daniels’ on it.]

Weekend Update Garage and Her on the Female Thor

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Garage… Kate McKinnon

Her… Sarah Silverman

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: This week, Marvel comics debut it’s latest character, female version of Thor, prompting a lot of controversy amongst comic book fans. And here to comment is the feminist music duo, Garage and Her.

[Garage and Her slide in with a guitar]

[cheers and applause]

Garage: It’s pronounced Gara-Che, Michael.
Michael Che: Oh! And you’re Gara-Che?

Garage: Yes. Gara-Che. It means strength, in a Himalayan mountain language that I looked upon the internet.

Michael Che: And you’re Her?

Her: No, I’m me.

Michael Che: What have you been up to?

[Cut to Garage and Her

Her: Uh! We just finished our biggest tour ever.

Garage: It was one night. It was magical. And it was poorly attended.

[Cut to Garage, Michael Che and Her]

Michael Che: So, what do you think about this new female Thor character?

Her: Thor has always been a woman, Michael.

Garage: Anyone who has strength is a woman.

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Anyone who has courage is a woman.

Garage: And Michael, there are a lot more women out there than you think. Two, three, four…

[Garage starts playing guitar]

Garage and Her: The wind is a woman
the earth is a woman
fire is a woman
and the clouds are women too. 

the girl is a woman
a dog can be a woman
a baby is a lady
and a plant, a plant can have a boob

Garage: Take it, take it.

Her: You can be a woman
he show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is a woman
garbanzo beans is a woman
and San Diego too

Garage: Jesus was a woman
Italians are woman
Walt Disney was a woman
and Pixar, Pixar has a pointed shoe

[Garage stops playing guitar]

Okay, stop. I have to change the key.

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: [pointing at what Her is holding] Is that even an instrument?

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Yes, it’s a Chimone. It makes a really shuttle sound. Is this my– um, where is my microphone? It sounds like this. [Her makes chewing sound]

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Her: And it grades cheese.

Michael Che: Oh!

Garage: And it is also a woman. Two, three, four…

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Garage and Her: The brand of cat food Adabi is a strong Christian woman
male gay is a mistress and aerobic’s cuba queen.

Garage: My guitar is a woman

Garage and Her: Bill Marr is a woman.
each tapeworm is a woman
and a woman, a woman is me.
and a woman, a woman is me.

[Garage stops playing guitar]

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: Garage and Her, everyone.

Garage: Michael Che, you’re a woman.

Michael Che: Thank you. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Garage: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update Al Sharpton on the Secret Service

Colin Jost

Reverend Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A story in the New York Times claims that African Americans feel that the President is deliberately not being protected well enough by the secret service. Here to talk about that from MSNBC, Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Reverend Al Sharpton slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Reverend Al Sharpton: Thank you, thank you Colin Jost. Who tells the jokes? Excuse me. Colin Jost who tells the jokes. [audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Reverend, I’m very glad you’re here. What do you think is going on with the Secret Service?

Reverend Al Sharpton: I don’t know, it’s a secret. And I don’t think we’re getting the whole story. [Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton] From everything I’m hearing on the streets, this man went into the White House, sat down in the Lincoln bedroom, ordered a sandwich and watch the Obama family’s personal DVD of Lee Daniel’s The Butler for an hour before somebody asked what was going on.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: Alright, that can’t be. So, what do you think they should be doing about this, Reverend?

Reverend Al Sharpton: Well, Colin, as I say on my network, Miss-NBC, [Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton] I think that’s NBC for ladies or something, we need to bring back a time where folks looked out for each other. For example, in my neighborhood, we got Ms. Tompkins. All day Ms. Tompkins just sits on her porch. And if she sees somebody who ain’t supposed to be there, she’ll give the neighborhood call, “Cukoo-koo-cuckoo!” And then Dirty Willy the Rhino come crawling up out of the sewer and chases you down to the next subway stop. They need a Dirty Willy at the White House.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I feel like the Secret Service has to handle it. You know, there’s new chief Joseph Clancy, he says that the agency is then reformed.

Reverend Al Sharpton: I don’t trust it. America is a dangerous place, Colin. Is it Kevin or Colin? Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s not Kevin. It’s not Kevin, but thank you.

[Cut to Reverend Al Sharpton]

Reverend Al Sharpton: They got this new virus, it’s called Ebola that you can get through your e-mail. Plus, this country has a gun culture. Listen to these statistics.

[Reverend Al Sharpton pulls out some papers]

According to pubis– excuse me, PBS, the United States has 10 gun deaths for every 100,000 people, Colin Jost7 times the rate of Japan where most of the homicides are from the KKK. That’s Karate, Karaoke and Kaju. That’s a sea monster Kevin– Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Kevin.

Colin Jost: Kevin and Kaju. Yeah, yeah! Now, what would you do if you were protecting the president?

Reverend Al Sharpton: Are you serious? I’d protect Barack Obama as hard as I can every night from 6-7 pm on Miss NBC. Even when he personally told me to stop it, I ain’t stop it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Reverend Al Sharpton]

Colin Jost: Reverend Al Sharpton, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Carnegie Deli and a sandwich at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: New York’s famed Carnegie Deli has introduced a new sandwich featuring a massive tower of turkey and bacon which they call the ‘Derek Jeter Triple Club’. They named it for Jeter because after you eat it, [Picture changes to Jeter’s back with ‘2’ on his jersey.] you’ll take a legendary number 2. [audience laughing]

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of Microsoft logo and written ‘Fifth Ave’ at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: Microsoft has announced plans to open a flagship store on New York’s Fifth Avenue, just blocks away from the Apple store. That’s the Microsoft store, as in, he line for the Apple store starts all the way back at the Microsoft store.

[Picture changes to thee cheerleaders.]

Scientists in Japan have developed a group of robotic cheerleaders. But, it’s not what you think. They also have sex with them.

[Cut to 2. There’s a picture of ‘Police Department: City of New York’ logo at right top corner.]

Speaker 2: The New York city Police Department is hoping to eliminate incidents of police brutality by showing police a compilation video of officers assaulting people. Unfortunately, the background song on the video is, “This is how we do it.”

[Picture changes to Jimmy Carter]

Jimmy Carter celebrates his 90th birthday this week as usual by snorting peanut dust off a hooker’s ass.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

While speaking at Harvard this week, vice president Joe Biden said that his job can be “a bitch”. But when you’re vice president, bitch is basically the job description.

[Cut to 1 and 2]

Speaker 1: Now, that’s kind of a weird word. Can we say that?

Speaker 2: What? Bitch?

Speaker 1: Yes.

Speaker 2: Well, I think so because we’re talking about a thing, not a woman.

Speaker 1: Okay, yes. Cool, cool. Um, while we’re on the subject, could I ask you if there’s a couple of other things I can say?

Speaker 2: Yeah.

Speaker 1: Like, what about ‘bae’?Can I call my girlfriend bae?

Speaker 2: Ew, no. You can’t.

Speaker 1: Why, is it because I’m white?

Speaker 2: No, it’s because you’re 30.

Speaker 1: Well, what if I’m in the club?

Speaker 2: Well, you definitely can’t say in the club.

Speaker 1: Why not?

Speaker 2: Because I know the place you’re talking about and that’s Dave & Buster’s.

Speaker 1: I just feel like I can’t say anything and you can say everything.

Speaker 2: There’s things I can’t say. Like, “Tootle-loo.” Or, “Skinny Macchiato.” Or, “Thank you for your help, officer.”

Speaker 1: You know, coming out of your mouth, that does sound a little cra-cra.

Speaker 2: See that’s– Actually, you can keep cra-cra. You pretty much ruined that for everybody.

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of a breakfast meal at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: I got cra-cra. A British cafe has introduced a new breakfast called the Hybernator which is 8,000 calories and contains bacon, sausage, cheese omelettes, waffles, toast, black pudding and beans. And if you’re able to finish the entire thing, they’ll even make your plaque with your name on it. [Picture changes to a tombstone with all the written on a plaque.]

[Picture changes to Nicholas Sparks.]

A law suit has been filed by a former head of the North Carolina private school against ‘Notebook’ author Nicholas Sparks, alleging he’s a bigot and held the man captive in a room while attacking him. But something tells me they’ll end up falling for each other at the end.

 

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’ Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Julia Pierson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Julia Pierson announced Wednesday that she would resign as head of the Secret Service. Pierson made the announcement at she dove out of the way of a man running toward the president.

[Picture changes to White House]

After a series of security breaches, the Secret Service said that the front door to the White House now locks automatically, unless you kind of jiggle it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Texas state at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to officials at the CDC, the first case of Ebola in the US has been diagnosed in Texas. And according to WebMD, you already have it.

[Picture changes to Rick Perry]

Texas governor Rick Perry said that the first man in the US diagnosed with Ebola had contact with several school age children. You know who I feel bad for? Texas school teachers. I mean it’s hard enough going to school teaching kids that god created at the world in like 1942, and the first two people were John Wayne and Barbara Bush. But now you gotta deal with 6 foot country boys coughing off a monkey disease. And also, who goes to Texas and Africa? Like, there’s never a reason to do that unless you’re a missionary or [Picture changes to Hakeem Olajuwon] Hakeem Olajuwon.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of  US flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed yesterday that the man in Texas diagnosed with Ebola was allowed to leave Liberia after he lied on a questionnaire of possibly contracting the disease. A questionnaire! Well, it’s good to know that our hospitals are holding Ebola patients to the same standard as a Facebook quiz. [Picture changes to a Facebook quiz.] And now officials in Liberia are prosecuting the man for lying on the questionnaire. If convicted, he could face up to… Ebola.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to report, Kim Jong Un has not been seen in public for over a month after injuring his ankles. And not as I had hoped, because he’s traveling around the world in Dennis Rodman’s backpack.

Vitamix

Anne… Sarah Silverman

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with two women walking in the kitchen after workout with towels on the shoulders.]

Anne: Ah! Great workout.

Venessa: Oh, I’ve got just the thing. Try this kale apple smoothie.

[Venessa passes smothie to Anne and Anne drinks it.]

Anne: That’s delicious. Did you make this?

Venessa: [looking at the camera] I sure did. With my Vitamix Pro 750 blender. [There’s a black blender in front of her] It’s amazing. It blends ingredients completely and evenly for ultra smooth creamier results.

Anne: This is smooth.

Venessa: It’s also great at making nut butters and grinding grains into flours.

Anne: My blender can’t do any of that. How much is it?

Venessa: Well, it’s up there.

Anne: Oh!

Venessa: And look, just set it to a variety of preset modes. Soups, porridge, I mean, ah!

Anne: That’s really cool. Is it like $200?

Venessa: No. Um..

Anne: So, it’s less.

Venessa: Well, no. But it’s more than that. [Cut to Venessa and the blender.] But did I tell you that it blends ingredients completely? Like, even nut butters. [Venessa laughs]

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: Yea, yea, you said it made stuff creamy. It can’t be more than $300, right?

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Well, it kind of is. But, look at the soft griped organically designed handle. I mean, ah!

Anne: Yeah, that’s great.[Cut to Anne] But still, money wise, I’m gonna go crazy and say it’s $400?

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay, just watch this. [Venessa opens the lid and puts an apple in the blender.] Put this in here. And, okay.

[Venessa starts the blender]

Do you see what it’s doing to this apple? I didn’t even core it. And it’s so quiet.

[Anne turns the blender off]

Anne: No, it’s not that quiet. Dina, seriously, how much is this?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: 650.

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: Wow! Really? Wow! [Cut to Anne and Venessa] Okay.

Venessa: You know, it’s a great blender. I use it everyday. It makes nut butters. So, yeah! 650 is a lot but– I don’t know. It just works so good and pulses–

[Venessa puts a carrot in the blender and turns it on and quickly, off]

Anne: What are you doing?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I feel like you’re judging me. Like, you think that I’m crazy.

[Cut to Anne]

Anne: I don’t. I’m not. I- I didn’t say anything like that. [Cut to Anne and Venessa] I think it’s a great blender.

Venessa: It is. It absolutely is. You should get one. I mean, if you can.

[Cut to Anne looking offended.]

Anne: If I can?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: No, I just– The way you reacted when I told you the price. [Cut to Anne and Venessa] It makes it seem like maybe you don’t have that kind of income to cover a purchase like this.

Anne: Yeah! Okay! Well, you and your nut butter maybe need to dilate back a little bit.

Venessa: I’m just trying to share with you how great this machine is. And you’re just– [Cut to Venessa] Look, um, I know you’re having a hard time financially.

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Anne: What?

Venessa: You have money problems.

Anne: How do you even know my money situation?

Venessa: Anne, this community is small. You know that. Anne!

[Cut to Anne very angry]

Anne: Robert and I are, we’re gonna be fine, okay? You can just let everybody know that if they’re so concerned.

[Cut to Anne and Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I will.

Anne: We can get a Vitamix! We can get a Vitamix in two seconds if we wanted to.

Venessa: I never said you couldn’t, Anne. Look, do you want any more juice?

Anne: I don’t want anymore anything.

Venessa: Okay, then I think you could just go home.

Anne: Great! I will.

[Anne takes her glass, throws it to the sink and leaves.]

[Cut to Venessa feeling angry]

[Cut to Vitamix commercial]

Female voice: Vitamix, they’re just jealous.

[Cut to Venessa in her kitchen.]

[Anne walks by the window behind Venessa]

Anne: Enjoy all the ridiculous expensive stuff you own.

Venessa: I do!

The Fault in Our Stars 2

Theodore… Taran Killam

Olive… Sarah Silverman

Terrence Howard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of Fault In Our Starts]

Male voice: From the makers of Fault In Our Stars. [Cuts to clips from another movie] Comes in all new film about heartbreak, and teenage love against the odds.

[Theodore and Olive look at each other. They are in the hospital and they show the patient band to each other.]

Based on the best selling novel.

Theodore: What’s your name?

Olive: Olive.

Theodore: I’m Theodore. At your service. [Olive laughs]

[Theodore and Olive shake their hands]

[Cut to Theodore and Olive walking around holding hands. Theodore is walking around with oxygen cylinder with her.]

Olive: When I said I’d do anything to get out of high school, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Theodore: Tell me your story.

Olive: Well, when I was first diagnosed, I didn’t really–

Theodore: No. Tell me your real story.

Male voice: Because being sick doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

Theodore: I know that love is just a shouting at the void and that oblivion is inevitable. But, I’m sticking with you no matter what kind of cancer you have.

Olive: No, I don’t have cancer. I have Ebola.

[audience laughing]

Theodore: [shocked] Oh!

Male voice: It’s “The Fault In Our Stars 2: The Ebola In Our Everything.”

[Cut to Theodore moving away from Olive]

Sometimes the most contagious disease is love.

[Olive smiles at Theodore]

[Cut to Theodore in the farm at night]

Olive: Maybe we should as your doctor if this is okay.

[Cut to Olive]

Olive: If doctors know so much than why doctor dead from Ebola?

[Cut to Theodore fake smiling and walking away]

Male voice: The movie that LA Times calls, “Astonishing.” And the World Health Organization calls, “Plausible.”

[Cut to Olive looking at the stars]

Olive: I just live for these little infinities with you.

[Cut to Theodore]

Theodore: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Olive]

Olive: Can you hear me? You’re so far away.

[Cut to Theodore and Olive both lying on the ground but they are far away]

Theodore: I’m good.

Male voice: USA Today says, “I laughed. I panicked. I mostly panicked.”

Olive: Let’s just travel the world. Get on a plane or a crowded bus and just go.

Theodore: Oh! That’s not a good idea.

Olive: Is this a good idea?

[Olive moves forward to kiss Theodore. Theodore is about to cry being scared.]

[Cut to Terrence Howard ]

Male voice: With Terrence Howard as the trusted guidance counselor.

Terrence Howard : It’s not how long you live, it’s how you live it.

[Cut to Theodore]

Theodore: She wants to have sex.

Terrence Howard : Hell, no!

Theodore: Just a tip?

Terrence Howard : [thinks for a moment] Maybe.

[Cut to Olive undressing herself.]

[Cut to Theodore undressing himself but he’s wearing hospital suit from the inside.]

Male voice: The Fault In Our Stars 2: The Ebola In Our Everything. Because you can’t quarantine your heart.

Sarah Silverman Monologue

Sarah Silverman

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman.

[Sarah Silverman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Silverman: Wow! Thank you so much. Wow, it is so crazy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says it’s so crazy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I’m a pretty big comedian, kind of makes all the sense in the world.

Tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. [slight claps from the audience.] And, um– Thank you. [audience laughing] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there, I promise you, god will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in this summer. You are being ridiculous.

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I guess I’m knows as a bit of blue comedian which is– I find that annoying. It kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as an important comedian. Anyway, because of this, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after dress rehearsal. Like, um, here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Walley?

[Cut to Walley carrying the cue card. All the script is censored except ‘Black guy’ and ‘God’s mouth’.]

It’s all that’s left.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Guys, it was such a cute joke. It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing really hard at it during dress, like almost too hard at it. Screw it. Can I just, um– Is there like a hand held mic? Can I just– Oh! Thank you.

[Sarah Silverman walks down the stage to the audience]

Let’s get real. Come on. This is live television. [cheers and applause] Let’s go among the people.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman with the audience]

Who are you? Can I sit on your lap?

[Sarah Silverman sits on a random woman’s lap]

Oh! This feels nice.

What is your name?

Lindsay: It’s Lindsay.

Sarah Silverman: Lindsay? Um, I’m Sarah. I guess you know that. Lindsay, I wanna tell you something, it’s really important. You’re beautiful. And you deserve love. And I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any shmo on the street. And I love you.

Lindsay: Thank you.

Sarah Silverman: Your turn. [audience laughing]

[Lindsay is laughing]

Lindsay: You’re amazing. And you’re beautiful. And you’re smart.

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.  [audience laughing]

Lindsay: You’re my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: You know what it is, Lindsay? It’s like, I get sad sometimes. I feel like, it’s over– in terms of like, we’re never gonna get carried again. You know what I mean? We’re grown ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parent’s party and overhear adults going like, [whispering] “I got her. No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. And it makes me sad. It’s just like, I wanna be carried. I wanna be bathed and cared for. I wanna get my hair shampooed. You know, like a little child, or a princess, or a quadriplegic I guess. [audience laughing] Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. Am I sitting on your phone?

[Sarah Silverman looks at Lindsay’s lap]

Lindsay: No, you’re good.

Sarah Silverman: Oh! [audience laughing] I wanna think of an app. Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million dollar app? Let’s think of that million dollar app. God! I was thinking like an hour ago. It’s like, “Wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you and all your friends were making a duty.” And I was pretty excited about it. I would pay 99 cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. I think it’s called ‘Words With Friends’. How old are you?

Lindsay: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Oh, you’re 32. You’re only little. You don’t know nothing. Here’s some advice. If you’re ever drunk at a party and you throw up at a party, I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like a, “Tadaa!” [audience laughing]

Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [Sarah Silverman gives her the mic and walks to the stage] You can have that.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, god! This feels so right. I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean this is the first time I’ve hosted but I have been on this stage before. I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90s. I wasn’t in much, but I– A lot of times it’d mostly be like, a plant in the audience asking fake questions to the host during the monologue. And, um– Oh! Yes, you have a question.

[Cut to old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: I think you’re great. I love you.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh! [audience laughing] I love you more. You have a question for me cutie?

[Cut to the girl]

The girl: Are you gonna be doing a solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Great question. You know, I left Wilson Phillips because I felt like it wasn’t really my thing anymore and I’m not sure about a solo album. Though, the album of my stand up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [cheers and applause] Oh, yes you! [pointing at the audience]

[Cut to another old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: Yeah, what did you feed the dinosaurs?

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Uh, what is this? Pretty girl in the audience night? This is crazy. Of course, the stegosaurus is a herbivorous. So, they eat mostly plants but the T-rexes are carnivorous. They’d be more inclined to eat you because you’re delicious. [audience laughing] Let’s take a– yes! You, sparkled face over here.

[Cut to another old clip of Sarah Silverman when she was young in SNL show in the audience]

The girl: Yeah, um, what makes the human knee bend?

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Okay, um, well the knee is technically a joint where the tibia in the femur meat, right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisci. I hope that helped and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next 20 years. [audience laughing] I’m feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say, “We have got a great show for you tonight. All of Maroon 5 is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Poetry Lovers

Ashley…Sarah Silverman

Scott… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Ashley reading a book ‘The December Generation’ in a park.]

[Scott walks to Ashley]

Scott: Hmm, the December Generation.

Ashley: Oh, this, yes. ‘The December Generation’, it’s a term–

Scott: [sitting down by Ashley’s side] That Jack O’Boyle used to describe a group of poets and artists from late 50s and early 60s.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Exactly.

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: Personally, I’m partialled at Christopher Patel.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Me too.

Scott: I love his poem ‘A Life Before’.

Ashley: The times we had,

the madness of it all

[Cut to Scott completing Ashley’s poem. They are staring at each other’s eyes.]

Scott: The dreams of life,

the truth we wear

Ashley: The fear, the pain and everything hereafter

[cut to Scott]

Scott: Leads to this moment.

Both: The life before.

Scott: I’m Scott.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Ashley.

[Cut to Ashley and Scott. 3 pops out of Ashley’s back]

Brian: Hey, man! Quit talking to my girlfriend like that. [Cut to 3] I’m gonna kick–

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: –kick my butt.

[Cut to 3 smiling]

[3 slowly stands]

Brian: Because I’m not gonna put up with little–

[Cut to Scott completing 3’s sentence.]

Scott: –pieces of turn.

Scott and 3: From planet Earth.

Scott: Scott.

[Cut to Ashley, Scott and 3.]

Brian: Brian.

[Scott and 3 shake their hands.]

In your–

Scott and 3: –worst nightmare.

[Scott and 3 smile at each other]

[Scott pushes 3 hard]

[Cut to many clips of 3 bullying Scott]

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: And then he made me eat this.

[Scott shows Ashley what he ate]

Ashley: Stinky Sue Supreme?

Scott: Yeah! [Scott burps]

Ashley: Brian, your temper’s out of control.

[Cut to 3 not talking back]

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: You’re nothing but an immature–

[Cut to 3 completing Ashley’s sentence]

Brian: –emotionally stunted–

[Cut to Ashley going on with her sentence]

Ashley: –self indulgent–

Ashley and 3: Child!

[Ashley and 3 look at each other smiling]

Brian: I’m Brian.

Ashley: Ashley.

Brian: Would you want to break up with me?

Ashley: I’d like that a lot. Sayonara–

[3 completing Ashley’s statement]

Ashley and 3: -sucker!

[Cut to Ashley carrying 3 and throwing him into the garbage.]

Obama 60 Minutes Cold Open

Steve Craft… Beck Bennett

President Obama… Jay Pharoah

Security…Taran Killam

[Starts with 60 minutes video bumper with a clock]

[Cut to Steve Craft in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Craft: Good evening. I’m Steve Craft. Later in the program, Lara Logan talks to Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba.com who just set a new record for the largest IPO. As well as the record of smallest face on the biggest head. But first, I sat down with President Obama for part 3 of our interview.

[Cut to video bumper]

[Cut to Steve Craft and President Obama in an interview]

Steve Craft: Mr. President. Thank you for joining me.

President Obama: Well, it’s great to be here, Steve,

Steve Craft: Is it?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Not particularly. No.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Tell me Mr. President, do you think you underestimated the threats of ISIS?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Without question, yes. And obviously, my entire administration shares a blame for that. But first, could I throw a particular person under the bus?

Steve Craft: Sure. Go ahead.

President Obama: James Clapper.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Got it. Now, what in particular surprise you about ISIS?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Well, Steve, we underestimated their military, but most importantly we underestimated how effective ISIS would be at social media. They really blew us out of the water.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Will all due respect Mr. President, you had a historically effective social media campaign in President Obama008. How could you be worse in social media than a band of terrorist in a dessert in Syria.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: [laughs] Steve, you don’t understand. These terrorists have nothing to do. They can be tweeting all day. And I’m talking peak hours between 11 am and 3 pm. When they can maximize favs as well as RTs, those are retweets. And man, these guys are shuttle. I mean, check out this tweet. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen] “Hearing cool stuff about Sharia law. I’ma check it out.” And then there’s a little emoji of a ghost with an eye patch. Or how about this one? [The tweet at the bottom of the screen changes] “Loving this new show ‘Selfie’ on ABC. P.S. can you believe Israel is still a state?” They’ve also started co-opting popular hashtags and trick folks into reading their messages of hate. For example, [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “One day the Black Flag of ISIS will fly over the White House. #TheVoiceIsBack” Or this one. [The tweet at the bottom of the screen changes.] “We will destroy the infidels. #ThankYouJeter”

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: That is very underhanded. But at least the US air strikes in Syria have destroyed mot of ISIS’s oil refineries which were earning them millions a day in revenue.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s true. But they’ve made up for Kickstarter.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Kickstarter?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s right. Apparently, every time we thought we were giving money to Zach Braff, it was really going to terrorists.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Wow. Well, at least they’re not on tinder.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: You think that, wouldn’t you?

Steve Craft: No.

President Obama: Well, just look at this profile that CIA recently intercepted.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Why was the CIA on tinder?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s not important. But you see this profile? [Cut to a male tinder profile.] Seems like a nice normal hunk, right? But look at his interests. It says very clearly. That is, “D.T.J”. Down to Jahad. [Cut to President Obama] I mean, luckily we were able to track him down via LinkedIn. Which is, it turns out, a whole separate terrorist organization.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: That actually makes a lot of sense. Now, Mr. President, much has been made of the correlation you have assembled. But it sounds like America is burying the brunt of this campaign.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Hey, Steve. That’s just how we roll. We roll slow and deliberately. Almost like we have no idea what we’re rolling to. Then someone pushes us and suddenly we’re rolling straight down hill into oncoming traffic.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Finally, Mr. President, you made the point that ISIS and the Islamic faith are in no way connected. You still believe that?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Actually, I’m beginning to think there is some connection. For example, did you know that the first I in ISIS stands for Islamic? I mean, who knew?

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Mr. President, some of what you’ve said tonight is a little worrysome. That combined with the recent security breaches of the White House–

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Steve, Steve, Steve. We had problems with our secret service. But I promise you, we’ve taken care of it.

[A security walks to President Obama]

Security: Excuse me, Mr. President. There is a man with a sharp screwdriver to see you. We think that this might be time sensitive as he was running across the front lawn. You know what? I’ll just have him wait in the Oval Office.

[Security walks away]

President Obama: Well, Steve, I should probably go take care of that, right? But it was nice talking to you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!