Category: 2014

Back Home Ballers

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

Cameron Diaz

[Starts with a van stopping in front of a house]

[Cut to the license plate, “New York GRGIRLS”]

[The door of the van opens, and the music video starts.]

Aidy: Your girls are back.

[Girls are coming out of the van one by one]

Kate: Kate

Cecily: Cecily

Sasheer: Sasheer

Vanessa: Vanessa

Leslie: Leslie

Cameron Diaz: Cameron

Aidy: And your Lil’ Baby Aidy

Kate: We’re home for thanksgiving y’all.

Cecily: And our parents are real happy to see us.

Vanessa: So, they’re gonna treat us like queens.

Aidy: This may be their house

Cameron Diaz: But for the next four days, we ’bout to run this bitch.

[drums rolling and music starts]

Kate: [rapping] Walk in the door hand my bag to the ballet
in case you’re wondering, it’s my daddy
head straight to the fridge like a boss yo’

[The fridge is full of groceries]

Hell yeah! My mom went to Cosco

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: [rapping] It ain’t my house but I’ll tear it up
get a plate real dirty, won’t clean it up
then I run to the washer laundry, game unlock
gonna do a whole lot for just one sock

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
If I want something, I just holla’
I do what I want and I get what I want
coz my parents miss their daughter

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] This whole damn house is a shrine to me
coz everybody here is obsessed with me.
my second grade’s drawings are framed like Picasso
If I say, “Mom, tacos”, my mom will make tacos

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: [rapping] We always see a movie but it can’t be us
so we settle on penguins or meet a guest car
and as a nice gesture, I bought all the tickets
Psyke! Not a chance. My dad friggin did it.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: [rapping] Mom needs help, I pretend to be napping
even though I could hear all that is happening
It sounds like she really needs help in the kitchen
but if she thinks I’m moving, then she must be trippin

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
and grandma says I look taller
they wait on me like I’m sick leave
that’s a light from back home, baller

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] Taking up the trash, all my neighbors spot me
they sworm around me like my own paparazzi
talking and stalking they can’t get enough of me
wondering, questioning, what’s going on with me

[Cut to a woman asking Aidy a question]

Woman: So, what’s going on with you?

Aidy: Um, the same. Okay, Jean, bye!

[Aidy walks away from the woman]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: [rapping] Once everyone’s in bed, I go insane
heroine, marijuana, crack, cocaine
are not what I wanna watch, cheese and chips
and so put on some very old, Chris White’s tricks

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [rapping] getting free wifi like a dope ass hoe
the password was seventeen Os
then bSasheerVanessaltng
then capital X, then 333
then 1458tdq
and 314 and w

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Hold up! Y’all don’t even know how pimp it is at my mom’s house. That bitch puts out so many bowls of things for me, it’s insane. I’m up to my ass in

[rapping] bowls, bowls, all type of bowls
chips and candies and she shell bowls
my mom’s got bowls for everything
flowers and nuts and everything
bowl on a toilet, bowl on a shelf,
bowl of m&ms, I can help myself
she puts out these bowls for me
and any bowl I like, I get for free

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
in pajamas that cost $Aidy0
tell my mother that I love her more than any friggin other
that’s a life from a back home baller

Cameron Diaz: Damn straight, y’all!

Kate: Love you, mom and dad. We out.

Aidy: See you in a month for Christmas. We doing this all again.

Woody Harrelson 1989 Monologue

Woody Harrelson

Liam Hemsworth

Josh Hutcherson

Jennifer Lawrence

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[The band is playing music]

[1 walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be standing here. In fact, there’s 25 years almost to the day since the first time I hosted Saturday Night Live in 1989. I just heard Taylor Swift album which is called 1989. But with all due respect to miss Swift, I think I know a little bit more about 1989 than she does.

[Someone hands over Woody Harrelson a guitar]

Ah! Thank you. Even if the memories are a little fuzzy, because of the drugs.

[Woody Harrelson starts playing guitar and singing like the song ‘Blank Space’]

Seemed like it would last forever
1989
The Berlin Wall fell down
Cher sang Turn Back Time
Michael Keaton, he was Batman
I’m not sure who was president
I think I had a molly
After that I just forget
Oh, wait! I remember
I was on a show called Cheers
Then I won an Emmy
then got drunk on million beers
thought I met Margaret Thatcher
but it was Sadam Hussain
then I got a blank space baby
coz I used to do cocaine

This is a little bit, you know, I mean it was 1989. Wow!

[2 and 3 walk in and hug Woody Harrelson]

[cheers and applause]

Hey man! Last man in year. I haven’t seen you guys since– what was that– we did that thing together. What was..

Speaker 3: The Hunger Games, man!

Speaker 2: Hunger Games.

Woody Harrelson: Oh, yeah, yeah! You guys here to help me sing the Taylor Swift song about it? 1989?

Speaker 3: Well, actually, we weren’t even alive in 1989.

Speaker 1: What? How old are you guys?

Speaker 2: Well, I’m Twentyfour. He’s twentwo.

Speaker 1: Oh, my god! I thought you guys were like, in your early fourtys.

Speaker 3: No, we just know the stuffs you told us about 1989. Like, the Berlin Wall was torn down by the Kool-Aid Man.

Speaker 2: Einstein invented wifi.

Speaker 1: [laughing] I told you that in 1989, Einstein invented wifi? That is crazy.

Speaker 4: Guys. [4 walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Oh, my god!

[Woody Harrelson hugs 4’s leg]

Speaker 4: What’s happening?

Speaker 1: I can’t believe. I mean, the real Taylor Swift. [audience laughing]

Speaker 4: Woody, I’m not Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1: Hah?

Speaker 4: I’m Jennifer. We’ve done about ten Hunger Games movies together.

Speaker 1: So, yeah. I didn’t recognize you without the big purple hair.

Speaker 2: No, no, no! Woody, that’s no–

Speaker 4: Not worth it.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 1: So, you gonna help me sing this, Jen? Or what?

Speaker 4: I don’t really think anyone wants to hear me sing. [cheers and applause] No! No! I wasn’t saying that to get your support. I don’t care. Just, when I sing, I sound like a deer that has been caught in a fence.

[Cut to 2 and 3]

Speaker 2: I would say it’s more like a dog being hit by a truck.

Speaker 3: Well, like one of those goat that screams like a human. [3 screams]

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 4: I think I get the point. Yes. Woody, if you wanna sing about 89 and you don’t remember the details, just, you know, keep it vague.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Yeah! It’s like you always say. “Hey, man! You always over think it. You just gotta [blabbers].” You’re always so stoned.

[Cut to everybody]

Speaker 1: That does sound like a great advice. Okay. Two, three, four…

[music playing]

89 is forever
never, it will never die

[2 and 3 sing backup harmony]

there was probably a winter
there was also 4th of July

Everybody: Everybody had a birthday
England probably had a queen
Now it’s twentyfive years later

Woody Harrelson:  The year, twentysixteen.

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and 4]

Speaker 4: twentysixteen, huh?

Woody Harrelson: Oh! This is so silly. I’m telling you guys, I smoked a lot of herb before I came here tonight.

[Cut to everybody]

Alright, we got a great show tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around and we will be right back. .

Weekend Update Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson on True Detective.docx

Colin Jost

Matthew McConaughey… Taran Killam

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: HBO starting production of it’s season two of it’s critically acclaimed series, “True Detective.” Here with their thoughts, on the stars of season one, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.

[Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: How are you, Colin? Thank you for having us.

Matthew McConaughey: We’re no star, Josto.

Colin Jost: Now, Matthew, I’m a big fan of Interstellar.

Matthew McConaughey: Interstellar’s a big fan of you. [Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey] Coz at the end of the day, we’re all interconnected. Coz time is a flat circle. Future, present, goes to girlfriend’s past.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Well, they’re starting season two and I gotta say, we’re gonna miss you guys on the series, you know?

Woody Harrelson: Oh, it’s nice of you, Colin. [Cut to Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey] We always knew it was gonna be a one and done situation.

Matthew McConaughey: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Can’t go on and on to the breaking dawn. Coz we are the creatures of the night. Vampires, tsk-khii! Blood suckers. And when the cock crows, “Cuc-koo”, poof! Dust in the wind.

Woody Harrelson: I couldn’t have said that better myself, Matthew.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone could have said it like that. Now, you two have been friends for a long time. Is that why you decided to do the show together?

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Woody Harrelson: Yeah, yeah! I like working with Matthew. He really goes for it. I mean, he insisted on running his line fully nude.

Matthew McConaughey: You got to.

Woody Harrelson: Yeah! He ate lunch, fully nude.

Matthew McConaughey: Just so that open free air…

Woody Harrelson: And he even acted fully nude. They had to CGI clothes on him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Does that help your process?

Matthew McConaughey: What are actors, Co-Jo? [Cut to Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey] Truth finders. Answer getters. How many lakes does it take till you get to the center of the Tutsi park, three. How do I know? The owl told me. Hoo-hoo!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: What owl?

Matthew McConaughey: Exact-mondo!

Colin Jost: Do you have any advise for Vince Bond and Colin Farrell? The new cast of “True Detective?”

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Woody Harrelson: Those guys are great actors. They’ll be fine. But, rule number one, trust your co-star.

Matthew McConaughey: Amen, brother.

Woody Harrelson: Yeah, this man took me on a journey. Two roads diverge and me and Matthew didn’t take either one.

Matthew McConaughey: Exactly. Because we… zeeeeee, travel by zipline. Brothers in battle. The Luigi to my Mario. I find a mushroom, pop-pop-pop-pop. Now, I’m bigger and he’s spitting fireballs. Du-du-du-du-du, Du-du-du-du-du. Pop on the turtle’s backs, send him into the base. I guess one man can jump.

Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey: Alright, alright, alright.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, everybody.

Matthew McConaughey: This one’s my soulmate.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael. Good night.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Crazy Bitches

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A California woman was arrested after she tried to break into the house of a man she met online by sneaking in through his chimney. Here with her thoughts on this story is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: What’s up Colin? Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you. Now, what do you think about this woman who snuck in through the chimney.

Leslie Jones: You know what, Colin? Look, I sympathize with this woman. [Cut to Leslie Jones] When stuff like this happens, men just love to call woman names like crazy bitch. Crazy bitch!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Y’all got your nerve calling women crazy but you men is just as crazy as us. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Y’all can’t even handle our bodies. Every time you look at our breasts, you lose your damn minds.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Look at my breasts, Colin.

Colin Jost: No.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Look at my breasts.

Colin Jost: I feel like I have to talk to HR first.

Leslie Jones: See, men, you just want to touch them and squeeze them and mash them together. And if you can’t do that, you’re staring at them all creepy like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Every girl out there grew up with some uncle staring at them at thanksgiving, saying how much you’ve grown. And they ain’t really even your uncle. They just some dude your dad work with. It’s personal!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: We got that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: So, you men think you crazy, you give us that crazy. We got to be crazy. We take men inside of us. Inside of our heart. Inside of our souls. Inside of our Netflix account.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Do you know how gangster that is? To take all of that inside of you, Jost?

Leslie Jones: I guess its– yes. It’s pretty gangster.

Colin Jost: You better believe it’s gangster you tall glass of almond milk.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Ay, you know what? When we first started dating y’all, we don’t even know what we’re taking inside of us anyway. We gotta be ready for whatever penis bring to the house. We don’t know if it’s long, short, wide, skinny, bumpy, scratchy, smooth, crooked. We don’t know which one of the seven dwarfs you gonna bring. And we gotta hug you. We gotta hug you when we make love to you. We got to put our hands on your sweaty, hairy ass. And you can’t even call me back tomorrow?

So, you listen here crazy chimney bitch. When some man call you a crazy bitch, you own it. You are crazy bitch. I’m a crazy bitch. We gotta be crazy. And please believe me, if you end up in our pants, don’t be surprised if we end up in your chimney.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: I’ll be in your chimney, Jost.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Dennis Rodman and Kenneth Bae at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dennis Rodman is claiming that a letter he sent to his friend Kim Jong Un helped free American aid-worker Kenneth Bae from a North Korean prison. The letter read simply, “Bae- Free Bae. Love, Bae.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of broken satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The European space agency said that the landing of a space craft on a comet this week was rougher than they initially thought with the pro bouncing twice before landing. “Only twice?” said the [Picture changes to Spirit Airlines] Spirit Airlines.

[Picture changes to radioshack]

Radioshack announced that it will open for Black Friday sales at 8 am on thanksgiving day. Great news for fans of radioshack’s most popular item, directions to Bestbuy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush spent the week teasing each other on social media with Clinton asking how Bush isn’t on twitter yet and Bush asking how Clinton wasn’t on Instagram. [Picture changes to Jimmy Carter] All while Jimmy Carter once against spent his week plowing through tinder.

[Picture changes to a marijuana leaves]

As more states have voted to legalize marijuana, many employers still have a zero-tolerance policy for firing workers that used the drug. This according to a letter I got from Lorne.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buddy Valastro at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Buddy Valastro, the star of the reality show “Cake Boss” was arrested in Manhattan on charges of drunk driving and allegedly told officers, “You can’t arrest me. I’m the Cake Boss.” Which might have worked if those officers were cakes.

[Picture changes to Bill De Blasio and Ebola virus]

At a press conference this week, New York city mayor Bill De Blasio said the doctor diagnosed with Ebola is now cured. Adding “the New York city is Ebola Free”. We’ll see about that said Time Square Elmos.

[Picture changes to a theme park.]

A theme park in England has banned all single people from entering the park to protect children from possible pedophiles. So, let this be a lesson to all you pedophiles out there, start working in teams.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Michael Che: It’s a good advice. Police in New Jersey are searching for an African gray parrot that was stolen from a local zoo. Of course, New Jersian African Gray Parrot is just a pegion in a dashiki.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of USA and China’s flags at right top corner.]

This week, China and US reached a historic agreement to cut carbon emissions. [Picture changes to ISIS flag] The leader of ISIS may have been killed in an airstrike. [Cut to a satellite in space] And a space craft landed on a comet 300 million miles away. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on magazine’s front page.] But that ass though. The cover for latest issue of Paper magazine featuring a naked pictures of Kim Kardashian was viewed online more than 16 million people. So, thank you Kim, I can now find porn just by googling the word paper.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Getting back to real news, the Michael Che0Colin Jost5 Obamacare open enrollment period began today. And president Obama urged Americans to spread the word and check their insurance options on healthcare.gov. Except they can’t because [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on front page of a magazine again] someone broke the internet. Okay, I promise, that was the last one.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But that ass though. Damn!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of leaders taking oath.]

Colin Jost: This week, president Obama traveled to Asia to meet with leaders from China, Russia and Japan to deal with some pretty tough questions, like, [Cut to a picture of Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping wearing same outfit.] who wore it best?

[Picture changes to ISIS coin]

On Thursday, ISIS announced plans to issue its own currency which will be independent of the currency of western economies but will still be accepted in more places than [Picture chances to Discover card.] Discover.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US and China flag.]

Michael Che: The US and China signed a historic agreement to cut green house gases by the year Michael Che030. [Picture changes to a polar bear] “Sooner”, screamed this polar bear.

The Dudleys

Mrs. Dudley… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Dudley… Beck Bennett

Another Mr. Dudley… Woody Harrelson

Jacquees Dudley… Kenan Thompson

Crazy Eyes… Uzo Aduba

[Starts with a an introduction to a TV show, showing a mom, dad and their daughters]

Male voice: What do you get when you take one working mom, add a fragile staying home dad, and mix in their two goofy girls? Fridays at 9, it’s America’s favorite new fall comedy, “The Dudleys!” They are family, but they are also out of control.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley walking in]

Mrs. Dudley: Hmm, I smell a pot roast.

[Cut to daughters sitting on a couch and the husband talking from the kitchen]

Mr. Dudley: You sure do, and I used my favorite recipe. Take out.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley pointing at Mr. Dudley and laughing]

Male voice: But we have received the complaints about the show. You tweeted, “It’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley. Why can’t any of The Dudleys be gay?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. And that’s why we’ve made Mr.s Dudley another Mr. Dudley.

[Cut to another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: So, I smell pot roast and it smells D-to the-lish.

Male voice: But then you tweeted, “Why the new Mr. Dudley such a stereotype?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. So, we dialed it down.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: I smell food. Cool.

Male voice: “But now, Mr. Dudley sounds like a straight robot.” So, we dialed back up to gay five.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: Ooh! My gay nose smells pot roast.

Male voice: Perfect! “But it’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley, why do both Mr. Dudleys have to be white?” That’s why, stay at home dad, Ron Dudley is not Jacquees dudley.

[Cut to Jacquees Dudley and Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Jacquees Dudley: Honey, how was court today?

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s that funny guy I married.

[Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley hug]

Male voice: “Hugging? Why can’t a gay couple show a real intimacy on TV?” We heard you loud and clear.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley on the sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say, I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s the funny guy I married.

[The lights change and a romantic music starts playing. Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley start touching each other.

Male voice: Fantastic. But then you had complains about the daughters.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a ballet dancer costume.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for my ballet residual.

Male voice: You tweeted, “Oh, cuz if you’re a girl, you have to like ballet?” That’s why, instead little Daisy Dudley in now a staff Sargent in the United States Marine Core.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a marine uniform.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for Afghanistan.

Male voice: And what about little Dora Dudley? “Why can’t she be crazy eyes from ‘Orange is the New Black?’ We like that character.” Roger that.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Dora, it’s time for bed.

[Crazy Eyes comes in]

Crazy Eyes: Anything for you, Daddy. [Crazy Eyes starts licking Another Mr. Dudley’s cheeks]

Male voice: There you have it. Thanks to your tweets and emails, we made The Dudley family for everyone. Or so we thought… Because then we started getting your letters. Like, actual paper mails. And those complains were very different. You said, “Where did the whites go?” “Too many fruit loops!!!!” “There aren’t my Dudleys. Ps. Repeal Obamacare.” That’s why, Fridays at 8, the original Dudleys are back. Because we always hear all of you loud and clear.

Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]

New Marijuana Policy

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

Hippie… Woody Harrelson

[Starts with clip of New York city.]

Male voice: We’re gonna talk about a change in the NYPD’s marijuana enforcement policy. None necessary arrest from minor marijuana–

[Cut to Taran Killam in his news set]

Taran Killam: If caught in public with up to 25 grams of marijuana, you will not be charged or arrested. [Cut to Pete watching the news] But receive what basically comes down to, a slap on the wrist. Truly historic. We go for now to Jake Fugazaki with sports.

[Cut to Pete recalling the news]

Taran Killam: 25 grams, in public, you will not be arrested.

[Pete take a small bag of  marijuana and goes out. He looks around, others are getting out as well. They are showing their marijuana bags to each other.]

[Cut to a car that runs over a sidewalk. A woman gets out of the car, the car is filled with smoke.]

[Cut to a hippie walking out to the street with his bong.]

Hippie: [screaming] Free. At last!

[Cut toe everybody walking in the street being very happy.]

[Cut to a woman walking with a baby stroller. She takes a small bag of marijuana out and shows it to Pete.]

[Cut to Pete smiling at the woman]

[Cut to everybody walking. They stop in front of two police officers.]

[Pete shows a bag of marijuana to the police officers. The police smiles and puts down his hat.]

[Everyone is jumping and celebrating.]

[The policemen join them too.]

[Pete takes a roll out and almost lights it.]

Police: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You can’t smoke that out here.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: But, the new law?

[Cut to the policeman]

Police: Yeah, you can have it. But it’s still illegal to smoke in public. I’ll have to arrest.

[Cut to everybody]

Pete: Oh!

Everybody: [disappointed] Oh!

[Cut to everybody getting disappointed]

[Cut to Pete inside his house]

Pete: Maybe, we have the power to change things. We can organize. Persuade law makers to– [music on TV] Oh! Sweet! Rugrats is on.

[Cut to the clip of New York city. Smoke is coming out of every building.]

Match’d

Jerry Tremain… Woody Harrelson

Deseray… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with MTV video intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV, your DVR must be empty. Next up, it’s Match’d!

[Cut to Match’d show set.]

Jerry: Hello everyone, I’m your host Jerry Tremain and welcome to Match’d where one lucky girl gets to choose from these three guys.

[Cut to the guys]

[Cut to Jerry and

Today’s girl is Deseray. Deseray, why don’t you tell us about yourself?

Deseray: I’m horny as hell and here to fix that.

Jerry: Well, that’s one way to start. Let’s get right to it then. Deseray, what’s your first question?\

Deseray: Guy number one, I’m a nasty girl. What would you do to impress me.

Beck: Well, I’m a waiter. So, I know food. I would take you back to my house and show you my special ingredient. My penis.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Ooh! Sounds ya! Okay, guy number two.

Kyle: Well, I’m also a waiter. But I might as well be a roller coaster, coz I’ll give you the ride of your life and make you scream, from head to butt.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: I like that stuff. Guy number three?

Taran: I’m a waiter as well. But my thing’s about the library. We would go there and check out my doomy decimal system.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Those are some pretty sexual answers, guys.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Well, as far as I know, I’m the horniest guy I know, Jerry.

Kyle: And I’m even hornier, Jerry.

Taran: I’m so horny Jerry, I’m about to explode.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, well take this opportunity to learn a little bit more about Deseray. She is from Saint Louis, Messieurs.

[Cut to the guys]

Beck: Oh, yeah!

Taran: I’m horny.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: She’s 18 years old.

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: That’s so hot right now.

Beck: Yeah!

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: And she’s my daughter.

[Cut to the guys. They are silent.]

[audience laughing]

Kyle: What’s up?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, should we continue? Deseray.

Deseray: Okay, guy number one, just a second ago, you said you were the horniest guy you know.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No, ma’am. That’s not what I said.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: What’s the best way to turn you on?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Well, first, I would make sure you were fully clothed because I believe a girl’s– when she’s fully clothed, that’s when she’s the most sexy, sir. And then I would ask to meet your mother so that I could check the hand of the woman who brought you into this world.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Can’t shake hand to the ghost. Guy number two. What’s your idea of a sexy date?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Well, sir, I just want to start off by saying thank you for having me on your show, sir. That’s why I’m merely here after all. To learn about the game show industry and it all comes to together, sir. Like, were you always a game show host, sir?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: No, before this, I was active duty marine for 25 years. Now, answer the question.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. On our date, I would take Deseray to a war memorial, sir. Because it’s important to reflect on our fallen heroes. Especially since it was just Veterous day.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Veterous day?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yes, sir. Veterous day, the day we celebrate our veterous.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Are you saying veterous?

Deseray: Okay, guy number three. You were told to bring me a fun little gift.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Pass!

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: No, you can’t pass. Show it to me in front of my dad

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh! Okay, I brought you panties … which belonged to my great grandmother. And I wanted you to have them because I believe in family, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Your grandmother owned crotch-less panties?

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Oh, sir, that hole is just because they’re very old, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Deseray: Oh, yes. Guy number one, we had you write me a sexy poem before the show. Can I hear it now?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Would it be possible for me to make some revisions first, ma’am?

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Just read it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [reading the poem] Roses are red, my balls are blue

why don’t you bend over, so I can see inside you

And so to clarify, my intention was to look all the way up inside her to her beautiful brain.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: That’s physically impossible.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yes, sir. Good feedback. Might I add, you’re doing a great job of keeping this moving.

[reminder sound]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Okay, that sound means it’s part of the show called “The Moment Alone” where I go back stage and give you four a moment alone. See you in a bit.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry leaves the set.]

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Well, is that for real? He’s gone?

[Cut to Deseray]

Deseray: Yeah!

[Cut to the guys]

Taran: Okay, I’m so horny for you. I’m the horniest guy here.

Beck: Not true, because I’m horny for you in front and back. Yes, please.

Kyle: I’m horny but a gentleman. And since you’re a lady, you can go down on me first.

[Cut to everybody. Jerry walks back in.]

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: Alright everyone. How was your moment alone?

[Cut to the guys]

Kyle: Excellent sir. We mostly just let your daughter talk and we listened, sir. She is truly special, sir.

[Cut to Jerry and Deseray]

Jerry: I agree. Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll all watch footage from their moment alone. We’ll be right back with more “Match’d”.