Category: 2019

Weekend Update Smokery Farms Responds to the Plant-Based Burger Boom

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant

Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?

Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.

Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.

Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.

[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.]

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.

Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.

Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.

Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”

Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

[They bring a basket of fish in]

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.

Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.

Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.

Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.

Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.

Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.

Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?

Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, no!

Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?

Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?

Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

[Cut to everybody]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Kid Genius Riley Jenson

Riley Jensen… Melissa Villaseñor

Riley’s Mom… Heidi Gardner

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: A plane sent to space by the air force returned to earth. Here to talk about it is kid genius Riley Jensen.

[Riley Jenson comes in]

Riley’s Mom: Mama is going to be right over here.

Riley Jensen: Thanks, mom. Hi, everybody. Mr. Che, thanks for having me. [laughing]

Michael Che: Thanks for being here, Riley. What’s it like to be a kid genius?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Just like a regular kid, only sometimes I go on TV.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: All right. Well, I hear you really know your stuff, so what can you tell me about this space plane?

Riley Jensen: What can’t I tell you? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B spacecraft measures 29 by 9.5 feet with a wing span of 15 feet.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Wow, that’s pretty big.

Riley Jensen: You bet. And Michael, you know what’s really cool? [Cut to Riley Jensen] The X37-B is one of the first unmanned spacecraft to land horizontal on a runway.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Whoa, cool. How does it do that?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Umm, what?

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: You said it lands horizontal. How does that do?

[Cut to Riley Jensen. She doesn’t know the answer.]

Riley Jensen: Uh, I—Uh—I don’t know.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: That’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Riley Jensen: No, it’s okay. [Cut to Riley Jensen.] Sometimes even geniuses make mistakes.

[Riley’s mom comes in.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re blowing it.

Riley Jensen: This guy’s throwing me curve balls, mom.

Riley’s Mom: Baby, these are softballs and you’re whiffing hard. Okay, you know what? That’s it, we’re canceling “Ellen”.

Riley Jensen: No, no, don’t. If you can’t handle Che, Ellen’s going to eat you alive.

[Riley’s mom leaves]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riley Jensen]

Michael Che: Is everything okay, Riley?
Riley Jensen: I’m great. That was my mom. She’s so funny.

Michael Che: Okay, well this is impressive. I hear you know the names of every planet in the galaxy.

Riley Jensen: Yep. All eight.

Michael Che: Well, eight would be our solar system. The galaxy has billions, right?

[Cut to Riley Jensen]

Riley Jensen: Oh, right, I knew that.

[Riley’s mom comes in again.]

Riley’s Mom: You’re bombing.

Riley Jensen: This guy is going off script, mom?

Riley’s Mom: Baby, you look like a normal kid, I want you to know that.

[Cut to Michael Che, Riley Jensen and her mom.]

Michael Che: Alright, I was given some flash cards to quiz you. But I think we should maybe just wrap up this.

Riley’s Mom: No, no. We’re doing the flash cards.

Riley Jensen: Yeah, bring it on. I can do it.

Riley’s Mom: Come on, baby, make mama love you. Come on.

Michael Che: Oh, no! Okay. Riley, what planet is this?

[Michael Che has a picture of earth]

Riley Jensen: Easy, Saturn.

Michael Che: It’s actually earth.

Riley’s Mom: Damn it, get it together.

Riley Jensen: Hit me again, Che!

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how about this one?

[Michael Che has a picture of Saturn]

Riley Jensen: Moon?

Riley’s Mom: No, baby, come on, that’s it. You know what? You’re going to live with your dad.

Riley Jensen: No, he smokes!

Michael Che: Riley Jensen, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Riley Jensen: I’m not smart, I’m just polite.

Weekend Update Foie Gras Ban and 67-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A law has been proposed in New York city banning the sale of the delicacy of Foie Gras which is traditionally made by force feeding ducks. So, in New York, it’s made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water. [Picture changes to a hotdog stand]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 2,000 pound shark has recently been spotted swimming along the east coast. Not to be confused with the 2,000 pound shark recently spotted at a comedy show. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein.] A handsome fellow there.

[Picture changes to apple logo and emojis]

Apple has introduced nearly 60 new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood, which coincidentally is the exact recipe for mountain dew.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of stair case from the movie Joker.]

Colin Jost: A staircase in Bronx that was featured in the movie Joker is becoming a major tourist attraction. Specially among couples where the girlfriend has no say. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a university logo]

The university of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as UA, and now be known as U. Arizona. Is it just me or does that U. Arizona sound like the punch line to a joke about Arizona stereotypes? Like, if you’ve even gotten a D.U.I. in a golf cart, you Arizona.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of a baby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 67-year-old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for most friction. See. No, no, see, cause you guys don’t realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write. I had much better punch lines, but the fellows at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like, first I was going to say, “I hope that kid likes his milk chalky.” But they, they say you can’t say that on TV. It was my second favorite punch line. My first favorite being, “She can breast-feed just by standing over the crib.” That’s a good one, right? No, NBC said too gross. Which is ridiculous. Too gross would be like if I said, “Doctors described the birth as quote, ‘Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.’” That’s too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.

Stargazing

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Robert… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

[Starts with five people on their stargazing hike.]

Mikey: All right, folks, I know the stargazing hike has been long.

Aidy: And fun as hell.

Alex: Yeah, we love this stuff.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And I love this energy. But hey, how about this view? Not bad, huh?

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Oh, yeah, this is a beautiful spot. You can see so much of the sky.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Exactly. That’s what makes so special. You can see so many constellations out here. So, let’s check it out?

[An elderly couple comes near them]

Robert: Oh! What a marvelous view. I can already see some of my favorites.

Mikey: Wow, I didn’t know we had an astronomy buff in the group.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Robert was in the navy. He says he always loves to sleep on the deck under the stars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Wow, yeah, I bet that was quite the view.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, it was. We saw so much in that night sky.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: Hey, can we see the big dipper from here?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, actually I was just about to point that out. Just follow my finger, guys.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, my god, that’s amazing. I love the constellations.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, the universe is just so amazing.

Robert: And look here, young man. Let me show the little dipper.

Alex: Whoa. Very cool. Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: If you look closely, you see that the two dippers teach the golden rule.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really, I’ve never heard that.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Aidy: Yeah, how did they teach the golden rule?

Robert: Golden rule, treat others how we would like to be treated, see?

[Cut to everybody]

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

And see, they’re servicing each other.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Is that—Is that supposed to be—

Robert: Double simultaneous oral.

Alex: Yes. Gross. The dippers aren’t doing that.

Kristen: Oh, yes, they are. And they have been ever since I was a girl.

Robert: Yeah, I mean what do they even teach kids anymore?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, definitely not that the dippers are servicing each other.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Boo, crude virgin.

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Alright, that’s enough with the dippers, I think.

Aidy: Yeah, yeah, why don’t we look at something else?

Mikey: Yeah, well, if you look here, I’ll show you the constellation Leo. You guys see the lion?

Kristen: Ah. Yes, yes. But if we look closer we can learn a valuable lesson here.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Robert: The greatest joy in life comes from helping a friend in need.

Mikey: Oh, my god. Come on, that’ disgusting.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Disgusting? Sucks to be his wife.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m not married.

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Oh, I think I know why.

Kristen: You don’t go down. Am I right, ladies?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Oh, oh, no. We’re more like him than you, okay?

Robert: Oh, look. I see Scorpius right over here.

Mikey: Yes, that’s actually right. You guys see how it’s a scorpion?

Robert: Oh, I see much more than that.

Aidy: Oh, please don’t. This one’s my favorite.

Robert: Mine too, see? It teaches an important lesson about the strength of partnership.

[They draw a sexual position through constellation]

Mikey: Is that—

Kristen: a man trying to reach himself, yes.

Mikey: What does that have to do with the strength of partnership?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Robert: Because of no matter how hard a man tries, he’ll never be able to reach himself. For that kind of satisfaction, you need a partner.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Well, this sucks. Constellations are what I live for. And you horny old freaks have ruined it.

Alex: Yeah, you guys just look up at night and perv out on the stars?

[Cut to Robert and Kristen]

Kristen: Well, that’s what they’re for.

Robert: You see, in our day there was no internet to satiate our horns.

Kristen: We had to project our fantasies onto the stars.

Robert: Yes, we’d go outside as a group and stare at the stars until everyone screamed.

Kristen: Sweet husband, I—I want to scream at the stars right now.

Robert: I want to help you scream at the stars.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: What the hell is happening? My god!

Mikey: Right here? No one wants to see that.

Rosie the Riveter

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Rosie the Riveter… Chloe Fineman

Donna… Heidi Gardner

Dot… Kate McKinnon

Norma… Kristen Stewart

Barb… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a caption “America at War!”]

[Cut to old black and white video clips of armies]

Narrator: While the men fight in Germany, [Cut to video clip of women working in factories] America’s women head to the factory to do their part.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking out of the door]

Mikey: Well, sir, I am honored you chose our factory to find the face of your new campaign.

Beck: Then we can do it poster reads a girl who embodies the ‘can-do’ spirit of America’s women.

Mikey: Well, these girls have that in spades. This is Rosie the Riveter.

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter]

Rosie the Riveter: Pleased to meet you, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Hmm. Rosie the Riveter. That’s got a nice ring to it.

Mikey: And here is Donna, a shell Shiner.

Donna: I shine them nice so that Germans see them coming.

Beck: Hmm, I like that spirit.

Mikey: And finally, we have our slug thumpers who do some of the heavier work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: There we go.

Norma: Whoa, whoa.

Barb: Open this son of a bitch. Keep fighting me, bitch, keep fighting me. That one was for you, Sammy.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking to the heavy workers]

Mikey: Ladies, may I have your attention.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Cram it, you coward.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Every day with this, ladies.

Dot: Why ain’t you over there killing Nazis, coward?

Norma: Any man is dungarees should be over there.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: I told you I had asthma and was deemed unfit.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: I got three sons over there fighting the krauts and one of them not more than 12 years old.

Norma: Yeah, you should be hanged.

Dot: Who is this fella?

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m from the army’s public relations board. We’re producing a poster to encourage more women to come work in the factories.

Mikey: He’s looking for a model.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Ooh, well, then look no further, there’s three of us right here, sir. I’m Barb, Norma and Dot.

Norma: Is this poster like a nudie thing or what? Because that’s perfectly fine with us.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: No, no. it will be very classy.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Hey, if it helps boys overseas, I’ll take the twins out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: You would not be nude, ladies.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Look, if getting a look at our plumbing means our boys will put a few more krauts in the ground, I’ll drop trou. No problem.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: It will just be a normal pose with the slogan, “We can do it.” Any ideas?

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter and Donna]

Rosie the Riveter: Maybe something like this?

Donna: Or this?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Say, those weren’t half bad.

Dot: Wait, wait! [Cut to three heavy workers] How about this? You’re gonna love it. Okay, wait! Imagine I’m Hitler, right?

Barb: I’m back here. And I got my cans out, smacking him and his stupid mustache pops right off.

Norma: And I’m the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got my jugs out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: And that would go with the slogan, “We can do it?”

Barb: I mean, unless you got something better.

Beck: Remember, this poster is meant to encourage women to join the war effort.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Any woman who ain’t already doing her part is a coward and a traitor.

Dot: Just like him.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Oh, stop it. My asthma is very serious.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: If they would just let us fight, the damage we could do.

Norma: I wish I was over there. I would find Hitler, I would strip him naked, march him across Poland with lucky strays up between his cheeks.

Dot: Yeah, yeah. I would take that Hitler and shove his head right up my ass until he was dead.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: What?

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: You know what I would do? I would shoot that Hitler eight times in the leg and then I would say, “You want one more?” And he would say, “Nein.” And I would say, coming right up. And bam! One more!

Norma: We got the job or what? Come on!

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m on the fence. Just kidding. I’m not. I’m scared of you. I’m going with Rosie.

Mikey: I’m sorry, ladies, but keep up the good work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Would you mind holding this for a second? [Dot passes Mikey a hot metal ball]

Mikey: Sure. Ow!

Barb: Got you right, you coward.

Norma: You should be over there.

Dot: Do your part.

Mikey: Come on!

Barb: Coward!

New Paint

Beth… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

Johnny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of outside of house]

[Cut to inside the house.
[Beth is bringing snacks for Tom and Kristen]

Beth: Now this cheese is a Roquefort and a little bit of jam.

Tom: Yum, thanks sis. We’ve been so busy with the baby. it’s been forever since we’ve been here.

Kristen: Beth, your living room looks amazing. You painted.

Beth: I did.

Tom: Is it Benjamin Moore?

Beth: Benjamin Moore? [Cut to Beth] Baby brother, in this house I only use Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to everyone]

Kristen: Farrow&Ball, I don’t know that.

Beth: Oh, well you should. [Cut to Beth] It’s the high end British paint company that offers unparalleled depth in colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, nice.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Each of their 132 colours colors work beautifully in new homes, both old and new.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: It sounds like you’re saying the word color but with the “U” in it.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, I am. That colour on the baseboard there is named after the fossils often found on the Dorset coast. And the wall colour, well that’s “Nobel blue” named after the Swirling British mists. What a colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Maybe we should try Farrow&Ball.

Tom: yeah, maybe we should. Is it expensive?

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Well, it’s premium. I mean you’re paying for quality.

Tom: Yeah, but how much is it, like $50 a gallon?

Kristen: No, that’s crazy, it’s just paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: This is not just paint. It’s Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Well, how much is it, Beth? $60?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: It’s $110 a gallon.

[Cut to everybody]

Tom: What! $110 for a can of paint, are you insane?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No, I’m not insane.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: How much did it cost to paint this room, $800?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you have to have the special primer, the brushes, and the factor in the shipping and the labour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: They ship the paint? How much is that?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you can’t just buy it anywhere. Look at the depth of colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: You can’t afford this, Charlotte. You are an out of work day bartender.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Wrong, I’m an aspiring estate manager.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: What is an estate manager?

Tom: She thinks she’s going to find a rich person and just live in their house. You are living in a dream world and you’ve painted it in that Jack Ass million dollar paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Don’t touch it! You’ll ruin it.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: You can’t touch the paint?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No. The finish is delicate. Once it’s touched, it must be redone.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Do you have any of the money mom left you?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No.

Tom: No?

Beth: I don’t mean no. I mean I don’t know.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Don’t you rent this house?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: So? What does that mean?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: It means you going to have to paint it back whatever colour– Now I’m saying it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Everyone just calm down.

Beth: He just wants me to live in Squalour.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Can you guys all keep it down a little? I’m trying to sleep a little.

Tom: Who is this?

Beth: This is my friend.

Johnny: Johnny.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you sleeping with him?

[Cut to Beth and Johnny]

Beth: Of course. We met on Facebook marketplace.

Johnny: Just a little quiet, you guys.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god. What is your life?

Kristen: Beth, we’re not mad, just a little worried about you.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Oh, don’t you effing judge me right now.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, I know we haven’t always gotten along, but we haven’t been around much because of the baby.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: The baby’s not even his.

Tom: What?

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, that’s not what we’re talking about right now, we’re talking about Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: I’m not talking about Farrow&Ball anymore. I’m talking about how that baby has your trainer’s eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you drunk?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Yes! I was good for the first couple of minute buy yes, I am drunk. Now tell him.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Beth!

Beth: Tell him. Look in his eyes, Tom.

Kristen: No, no, he’s sleeping, don’t look at his eyes.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Look at the colour of his eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Kristen: You’re dead.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Oh, you want to go, let’s go. Just don’t bump into the paint or you’ll ruin it.

[Beth and Kristen start fighting]

Tom: Go for it, Beth.

Female voice: Farrow&Ball, each colour tells a story.

Kristen Stewart Audience Questions Monologue

[Starts with SNL Monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Stewart!

[Band is playing music]

[Kristen Stewart walks in and to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Kristen Stewart: Thank you. Thank you. I am so stoked to be hosting “Saturday Night Live.” I’m going to be real with you all, I don’t feel totally comfy standing up here and talking about myself. I feel like I do at the dinner table sometimes, “Charlie’s Angels” is probably the most fun I’ve ever had done anything but could I please be excused now? So, I thought instead of me just talking up here, I would do one of the audience question monologue. Sound good? All right. What about you? What’s your name?

[Cut to Erin in the audience]

Erin: Hi, my name is Erin. I’m a huge fan.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Thank you. That’s very sweet. So would you say you’re probably closer with your mom or your dad?

[Cut to Erin in the audience]

Erin: Huh? I thought I was going to ask you a question about your career and stuff.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Oh, I already know those answers. So, who do you feel, mom or dad?

[Cut to Erin in the audience]

Erin: Can I not?

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: That means mom. But you know that?  Thank you for really going there with me. You were present. I appreciate it. How about you, how are you?

[Cut to audience. There’s a guy sitting in the middle.]

Unknown guy: Hey, I’m good.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Like, really, how are you hough?

[Cut to the guy.]

Unknown guy: What do you want from me, Kristen Stewart? I said, “Good.”

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Wow, you don’t seem good.

[Cut to the guy.]

Unknown guy: Everybody goes out after work but they won’t tell me where they’re going.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Do you think maybe if they see us kissing on TV, they’ll think you’re kind of cool.

[Cut to the guy.]

Unknown guy: That’s okay.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Fine. Anyone else?

[Cut to Pete Davidson in the audience]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Kristen, I’ll answer some questions. Ask me anything, I’m an open book. I’ll put it all out there.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Yes, you will. The thing is I just think it’s all pretty much out there.

[Cut to Pete Davidson in the audience]

Pete Davidson: Fair.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Actually, everyone in the cast has been super genuine. Everyone is so real, it’s refreshing.

[Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney walks to Kristen Stewart. They are dressed like Kristen Stewart.]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Kristen.

Kyle Mooney: What’s up, Kristen?

Beck Bennett: Yeah, you know we always keep it real with you.

Kristen Stewart: Why are you dressed like me?

Beck Bennett: Who, us?

Kyle Mooney: I always keep it greasy clean.

Beck Bennett: Look, wet, get wet.

Kristen Stewart: That’s what I always say. And you look hot!

Beck Bennett: Yeah! It worked!

Kristen Stewart: So, we’ve got a great show. Coldplay is here. Stick around. It’s going to be tight.

 

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe]

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling]

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

[Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody]

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony

Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium]

[Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “It’s my honor, I do this job for two reasons; one, I love my country, and two, belly rubs.”

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: I just wanted to ask, who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Are you my good little boy?

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “Seriously, with all due respect, I’m a trained military assassin, not some basic labradoodle.” That’s on you.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: You’re right, I apologize.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Dana Gram: “Apology accepted.” You, sir.

[Cut to Mikey in the audience]

Mikey: Yes, you were involved in a terrorist raid. Was that scary for you?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “A little, sure, but it could have been worse. The terrorists had guns and explosives but at least they don’t have vacuum cleaners.” Yes, you ma’am?

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: How does it feel to be getting all the credit for killing Baghdadi? Right.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “Honestly, it was team effort from day one. It’s been, “I sniff your ass, you sniff mine.”

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: And how has your life changed now that you’re a hero?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog barks]

Dana Gram: What can I say? Honestly, I’m drowning in the bitches.” You ma’am.

[Cut to Ego in the audience]

Ego: What do you feel about the so-called whistle-blower in the white house?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “I think we need to find out who the whistle-blower is because that sound is driving him crazy.” Next question, please. Wait, actually I’m going to have a sip of water, [The dog drinks water using a glass] I think you, ma’am.

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: I was just on dog twitter and reading some stories about you. Any of them true?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: He says, “Okay, I should come clean about something. Ten years ago at a Halloween party, I dressed up as a cat. I did not mean to appropriate feline culture or put on cat face. I also apologize for last Halloween when I dressed as a chocolate lab.”

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Okay, but what about the video of you that’s just come out?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “Oh, right, there’s a video of me barking at a black mailman, but I swear it wasn’t a bout race. Because I don’t see color. Literally I’m color-blind. Oh, and every day for the past years, I’ve humped someone’s leg without consent. For that I apologize.”

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: If I could throw in a silly question, who do you think won Halloween?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

[The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “To me, Heidi Klum always wins Halloween but this year I have to go with Kylie Jenner, she became Marilyn. And speaking of costumes, what is the janky fake medal that the president put on my neck, it has a picture of a paw on it. What the hell is that? You don’t give humans a medal with a foot on it.” “Anyway, that’s my time, god bless America. Scooter, if you’re watching, daddy loves you, now go to bed. And the same goes for Pickle, Rocket, Billy, Shamrock.”

[Kyllyanne Conway walks in]

Kyllyanne Conway: Thank you so much, Conan. We also have a human that was involved in the raid.

[Chris walks in and stand beside the doe]

Does anyone have any questions for him?

[Cut to the reporters who are silent and have no questions.]

[Cut to the stage]

Chris: Okay, thank you for your time.

Kyllyanne Conway: Yes, and thank you, all of you. Now this dog has to go meet president Trump and then he has to testify against presidents Trump. He was on the Ukraine call too. Mmm-kay, good night.

Elizabeth Warren Town Hall Cold Open

Hostess… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a hostess speaking on the stage]

Hostess: Hello, Iowa. Thanks for coming out today. Now let’s give a big, warm, Iowa welcome to the lady of the hour and the next president of the United States, maybe, senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cheers and applause]

[Elizabeth Warren walk in the stage and hugs the hostess.]

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! Woo! Yeah. Yeah. Hello. It is good to be here. Look at me, I am in my natural habitat. A public school on the weekend. And I just had the nature valley bar in the hallway so I’m jacked up and ready to pop off. First, I would like to pout one out to Beto O’Rourke for dropping out of the race. Thank you so much for running a great campaign and sticking around long enough to call me punitive. That was so bad ass. Let me now how death tastes, all right? And congratulations to Donald Trump for paying less taxes by moving to Florida, or as he calls it, bringing his talents to south beach. You know where I pay taxes? Every single state, out of principle. So Donald, don’t stand too close to an orange tree or someone might try to pick your head. I’m feeling stanky. Alright, we’re fighting. Who’s got a question? Who’s got a question?

[Cut to Cecily in the audeince]

Cecily: Hi, I work for Kamala Harris’ campaign. But I’m still undecided. I’d like to know, why did it take so long for you to release your plan to pay for medicare for all?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Thank you for bringing up health care, that is my desposito. You know, in the last few years. The number one reason families went bankrupt was because of health care costs, even the people who had insurance. It’s a tricky little corn maze. But when Bernie was talking medicare for all, everybody was like, “Oh, cool.” And then they turned to me and they were like, “Fix it, mom.” And I’ll do it, ‘cause that’s what moms do. With dad, you eat birthday cake for breakfast and then you go to six flags and then I hold your hand while you throw up in my purse. Daddy takes you to see “Boogie Nights” when you’re ten. I provide the long, tender follow up explanations about sex and whether Mark Wahlberg’s penis is a realistic length. It ain’t fun. But I will do it. And, next question. Thank you.

[Cut to Alex in the audience]

Alex: Hi, I’m an aspiring billionaire and current stay at home stepdad. You’re pulling ahead of Biden. How does your plan compare to his?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Thank you. Thank you for your question. My plan compares favorably in that it exists. Nobody—Nobody asks Biden how to pay for stuff ‘cause his plans are so vague. Nobody asks how we’re going to pay for remember Obama. Biden—Biden doesn’t even know how to pay for stuff. He just puts down a $50 bill on the Amtrak dining car every few months. Okay, so here’s my plan. Take a look at this. Okay. So, first off, we’re going to cut military spending. So, immediately dead in the water. Two, Jeff Bezos will go from paying no tax to a tax. Mr. Bezos, the government is a little like Amazon Prime. To reap the benefits, you’ve got to pay an annual fee and that’s called taxes. And unlike you, we can’t just take it out on your debit care without warning. And third, okay? Banks, I’m going to tax the banks. Duh. What did you think I was going to do? Hold up a gas station? They’re going to pay for it and not one penny from the middle class. All we got to do is convince JP Morgan to operate like a nonprofit. Okay, next question. Next question.

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Hi, sorry, I have a follow-up ’cause I’m annoying. You said your plan would cost $20.5 trillion but other economists have said it could cost $34 trillion.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Okay, let me stop you right there. Now we’re talking trillions. So, when the numbers are this big, they’re just pretend. They ain’t no Scrooge McDuck Vault somewhere. You ready to get red pealed? Money doesn’t exist. It’s just a promise from a computer. You might as well say it was cost 13-non-jillion-over-12-detan. Alright, next!

[Cut to Cecily in the audience]

Cecily: Sorry, senator, I’m going to see the math on that.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah? Okay. You want to see the math? I’ll show you. Look at this here. [Elizabeth Warren clips her board. There are statistical calculations on the board.] Do you understand this? I do. I can explain it to you but you would die. Okay, next question. Yeah, you.

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: Hi, I’m terrified of the doctor. And my husband is one. But that’s a separate problem. My question is, how are we going to get swing voters on board with the radical idea like universal health care?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Ooh, way to subtly ask if I’m electable. Careful, that’s my kink. Okay, see, look, you know why lobbyists are so against universal health care? They’re afraid you’re going to like it. ‘Cause it’s awesome. In “Footloose” they banned dancing. They didn’t ban broccoli. The bottom line is people are afraid of change. They only like their current insurance because they already know what it is, not ’cause it’s good. Something seems scary until you try ‘em out and find that they’re great. Like sushi, or butt stuff. Okay, next question.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Hi, senator. My current insurance isn’t perfect. But with your plan, I’d have to give it up, and that makes me nervous.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: You know what, I hear this from a lot of people. Let me help you understand. Your insurance is like a bad boyfriend. Girl, listen to me.

[Music starts playing]

You need to leave him. He’s draining you. You deserve better. Dump his ass.

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: [Crying] I know. You’re right. I’m settling. But I’m just scared to leave because what if it’s the best I can get?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Girlfriend, how much is your deductible?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: $8,000. I don’t even have dental. [Crying] My teeth hurt so bad.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Listen to me, you beautiful bitch! Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to call him. You’re going to end it. And I’m going to come right over with an apple strudel and we’re going to post up on the couch and watch my favorite show which is somehow “Ballers.” And then one day, blue cross blue shield’s going to text you from the club saying, “Baby I miss you.” And you’re going to say, “New phone, who dis?” Okay, girlfriend, you’re going to be just fine. Do you believe that?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: So, do I have your vote?

[Cut to Chloe in the audience]

Chloe: I don’t know. Pete Buttigieg seems nice.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, go to hell. And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”