Category: 2019

Duolingo for Talking to Children

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Stewart

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video of a in house get together. Aidy is introducing her son to her friends]

Aidy: These are mommy’s co-workers. [Cut to Kenan, Kristen and Alex] Can you say hi?

Kenan: What’s up, buddy, you’re looking fresh.

[Cut to the boy laughing]

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, you look nice.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: All right. Give me high five, buddy. [Alex and the boy gives high-five to each other] Ow, too strong.

Kenan: I bet you played football, right? [The boy nods his head]

Kristen: Yeah, and you go to school. That sucks.

[Cut to Aidy confused]

[Cut to Kristen]

Do you wear your clothes to school?

[The boy is scared of Kristen]

[Aidy takes her son away]

[Cut to Kristen]

Female voice: You have no idea how to talk to children?

[Kristen shakes her head ‘No’]

Does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t?

[Kristen nods her head ‘Yes’]

It’s never too late to learn.

[Cut to iPad with an app “Duolingo”]

With the new duolingo for talking to children. The first app for grown people who need to learn how to talk to kids because their friends are starting to have them. Practice just five minutes a day and you’ll be a brat whisperer in no time.

[Cut to Kristen practicing in a cafe]

Kristen: Very cool, bud. Very cool, bud. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. I like your backpack.

Female voice: The one thing you know about talking to kids is you’re not allowed to call girls pretty but then it’s like, “What do you say?”

[Cut to a woman brings her daughter to Kristen in her office]

Kristen: You look not pretty. I mean, you’re smart. I mean, you’re an engineer one day.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you okay?

Kristen: I got this. [Cut to Kristen. She opens the app.] Just one second, sorry. Cool backpack!

[Cut to the girl smiling]

Female voice: Get a better sense of kids. Get a better sense of kids’ ages.

Voice from app: Identify the 12-year-old. Correct!

Female voice: Practice traditional greeting.

Voice from app: I got your nose!

Female voice: Build your stamina for long, meandering, pointless stories.

[Cut to Kristen and a girl speaking]

The girl: I really like the pizza they have too.

[Kristen looks at the app]

Kristen: Cool!

Female voice: In as little as six weeks you’ll be ready for all kinds of kinder conversations like friends new baby, the bus, dance recitals, child falls on sidewalk in front of you, public restaurants, airport gates, hot tub at vacation resorts, and child wearing big pink dress. Let’s face it. Kids are bad conversationalists. But you don’t have to be.

[Cut back to Aidy’s house with colleagues]

Kristen: So, I bet you like chicken fingers.

[Aidy’s son nods his head ‘Yes’]

[Cut to Kyle walking to the boy]

Kyle: Hey, high five.

[Kyle puts his palm near the boy’s face]

Too slow.

[Kyle is upset he can’t impress the boy]

[Cut to Kristen showing Kyle her app]

Female voice: Duo lingo for talking to kids, also available in–

Cut for Time Open Mic

Dia… Bowen Yang

Jessica Coke-Brothers… Heidi Gardner

Chastity… Kate McKinnon

Prudence… Kristen Stewart

Rachel Thompson… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnny Butter… Kyle Mooney

Missil… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a bar “Moon Jumps the Cow”]

[Cut to Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers on stage]

Dia: Hello, Silver Lake. it’s open mic Night here at Moon Jumps the Cow, the Los Angeles performance space and laptop garden. I’m Dia, and this is Jessica Coke-Brothers.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: My mom is the Coke, and my dad is a Wayans Brother. Get ready to see some performances from the stars of tomorrow and the Lyft drivers of today.

Dia: Mm-hmm. I’d like to exercise my brave and start with a song I wrote about something I really fear. Hit it, Jessica.

[Music playing]

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ It’s just around the bend ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be 30 ♪

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ Why does it have to end? ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be dead ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Powerful. Powerful.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: You’re saying that about yourself?

Dia: Yes. Next up is sister duo Chastity and Prudence.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Chastity: Alright. Yeah, we just moved here from Persecution, Pennsylvania.

Prudence: We grew up on a farm, where our “dad” convinced us it was the 1800s.

Chastity: But I guess, here, you call that a cult. Now Ryan Murphy owns our life story.

Prudence: This song is about our past.

[ Rock music playing ]

Both: ♪ Something bad happened, and now we’re famous ♪

♪ Something bad happened, so we moved to L.A. ♪

♪ Told us airplanes were angels ♪

♪ The fence is the boundary ♪

♪ Don’t touch the fence ♪

♪ Or you’ll turn gay ♪

♪ Tune in to “The Fence” every Sunday ♪

On FX, FFX, and FXNOW.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.][Chastity and Prudence walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Alright! Great! Yeah, so, that happened. Anything you would like to plug?

Prudence: Oh, yeah. Actually, we manage a bunch of sketchy Airbnb properties here if you’re ever looking to feel unsafe in the loneliest city in the world.

Dia: Wow. [Chastity and Prudence walk out] Okay, I will check that out. Looks like Rachel Thompson is next.

[Rachael Thompson walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Rachael Thompson: I go by Reyna-De-La-Casa now. More castable. I had a bad year. I mean, really bad. My grandma’s friend died. This is a song I wrote about that, called “My 9/11.”

♪ Oh, Betty ♪

♪ With candy in your purse ♪

♪ You’re dead ♪

♪ But I’m sad ♪

♪ Tell me which is worse ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪Betty, I made your death about me.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Epic, Reyna. Have you booked any gigs lately?

Rachael Thompson: Actually, I am making my TV debut next week.

Dia: Amazing.

Rachael Thompson: Me and my dumb mom are going to be on “Dr. Phil.”

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Wow! Do you have any lines?

Rachael Thompson: No, but I kick her really hard.

Dia: Okay, cool. [Rachael Thompson leaves the stage] His bio says he’s got John Mayer’s face and Carrot Top’s “gutters.” It’s Johnny Butter.

[Johnny Butter walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Johnny Butter: Oh, man, I can’t believe this song was just my dumb little idea two years ago. Oh, what the hell.

[Johnny Butters starts playing guitar]

♪ These days, everything is so messed up ♪

♪ So let’s get together ♪

♪ And do it like in porn ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Okay.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: I’m going to stop you ’cause you’re hot. So you don’t have to try.

Dia: Johnny, who are your influences?

Johnny Butter: Well, black-and-white photography, for sure, and staying in and watching Pixar stuff. I guess I’m weird like that.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Yeah. That’s fire. [Johnny Butter walks out]

Dia: Okay, we are so lucky to have this next guy. He’s a Vegas musician who would like to get better at parkour. Please welcome Missile to the stage.

[Missile comes on the stage. He is jumping.]

[Dance music playing]

Missil: ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Who am I, who am I? ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Where am I, where am I? ♪

♪ Life is dope ♪

Dia: Okay. Alright, we’ve heard enough, and you’ve got it.

Missil: I know.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Tell us what you’re working on.

Missil: Well, I’m writing a book based on the “Harry Potter” movies.

Dia: Mm. So happy for you, Missile. You worked so hard. Okay. And — Oh, the sisters are back for an encore performance.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Because they threatened us.

Prudence: L.A. is so overwhelming.

Chastity: A lot has changed for us. We used to have hair down to our holes. But then we cut it, and now we’re models with a story.

Prudence: This song is about our new life in Los Angeles.

[Music starts playing

Both: ♪ Tacos, Bird scooters ♪

♪ Words at the fence ♪

♪ Old milk and leggings ♪

♪ I miss the fence ♪

♪ Thin moms and jacked dads ♪

♪ I’m overwhelmed, and the devil will trick me ♪

♪ Take me back to the fence ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Thank you. Okay. Jessica, your turn.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Oh, actually, I’m on vocal rest. I have a phone call tomorrow.

Dia: Okay.  Well, then, I’ll sing us out. This is a new song I wrote about being abandoned at the ArcLight Movie Theater.

[Jessica Coke-Brothers leaves the stage]

[Music starts playing]

♪ Why can’t you get here? ♪

♪ You’re already supposed to be here ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You stood my fat ass for the last time ♪

Corporate Nightmare Song

Ted… Beck Bennett

Nate… Mikey Day

Tina… Kristen Stewart

Casper… Pete Davidson

Dylan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video clip of a commercial building]

[Cut to inside the office]

[Phone ringing]

Ted: Hey, Dylan? Take the lip ring out. [Cut to Dylan. He has a gothic outlook with a lip ring and ear ring on.] It’s against company policy.

[Rock music playing. Music video starts.]

Nate: This one’s going out to all the corporate drones out there.

Tina: Working for the man, making other people rich.

Casper: Wait, the almighty dollar.

Dylan: You know who you are. Listen up.

[Rapping]

Mom and dad said go get a job

Tina: Go work real hard go punch your clock

Nate: Climb the corporate ladder straight to the top

Casper: Be a dude someday you’ll be the boss

Dylan: But white collar life don’t work it seems

Tina: ‘Cause I ain’t no corporate worker bee

Nate: Everybody in the house who feel like me

Everybody: Get up on your feet and scream
Take this job and shove it up your —
I will never be part of this machine
corporate society
you can’t hold me back
with a paycheck
this job can kiss my ass.

[Cut to the corporate office]

Ted: Hey, Tina, great work on that compete analysis.

Tina: Oh, thank you.

Ted: You should think about the management training program. We could use someone like you on the 12th floor.

Tina: Wow. I will. Thank you sir.

[Cut to the music video]

Dylan: Boss man sit around on his ass all day

Tina: Doing real good work for the company

Nate: He don’t know what’s up

Tina: But he actually does though,
so let’s not be unfair to Ted, Yo!

Dylan: But the hours–

Tina: Are good!

Nate: And the pay–

Tina: Is generous!

Casper: Corporate culture straight up venomous

Tina: But our benefits–

[Phone beep]

Oh, sorry. One second. I just got to make sure I RSVP for this meeting. Yep, I knew it and—

[Cut to music video]

Nate: ‘Cause the people at this place–

Tina: Are my best friends!

Casper: And when it comes to the boss–

Tina: He’s my best friend!

Everybody: Take this job and shove it up your–

[Cut to the office]

Ted:  Tina, Nate, Casper, you got a sec?

Casper: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Nate: Uh-huh. Sure thing, Ted.

[Cut to Dylan watching his colleagues go to the boss]

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: I will never go down the corporate road
Capitalistic nightmare
blah- blah- blah- blah, something blah- blah- blah
nothing, but a – nothing but a – Blah, blah, blah—

[Dylan watches his colleagues hugging the boss] What the hell was that about?

[Cut to Nate, Tina and Casper]

Tina: Ted asked us to if we would pitch on the digital campaign.

Nate: Yeah, it’s pretty cool, actually.

Casper: Yeah, it’s really nice that Ted is looking at ideas internally.

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: You corporate drones in your suits and ties
the boss says, “Jump!” You say, “How high?”

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Ted wants you to work on it too.

[Cut to Dylan getting happy]

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: Let’s dive right in put our heads together

Nate: Blue sky the whole thing make a good ideas better

Tina: Let’s order food

Casper: Stay here all night!

Nate: If we’re pitching to Ted

Dylan: It’s gotta be tight
if we do this right who knows where we could go

Tina: Dana is retiring

Everybody: And she’ll need to be replaced, yo!

Nate: One of us could get her job management position

Casper: Down the road we could be running this division

Dylan: Crush this presentation

Nate: No choking

Tina: Gotta foot in the door

Everybody: Now let’s kick it open

[Cut to the office]

Tina: Work hard, good things will come.

Nate: That’s just how it is, people.

Ted: Dylan, lip ring!

Dylan: Sorry Mr. Abby!

[Dylan rips the ring off his lips. He is bleeding]

[Cut to Ted]

Ted: Call me Ted.

Coldplay Orphans (Live)

[Starts with Kristen Stewart as an announcer in SNL stage]

Kristen Stewart: Ladies and gentlemen, Coldplay!

[Cheers and applause]

[Music starts playing]

[Cut to Chris Martin playing guitar at the backstage.]

Chris Martin: I want to know when I can go
Back and get drunk with my friends?

[Band starts playing music. Chris Martin leaves his guitar. He walks inside the SNL studio while singing.]

Boom boom ka, buba de ka
Boom boom ka, buba de ka
Boom boom ka, buba de ka

Rosaleen of the Damascene
Yes, she had eyes like the moon
Would have been on the silver screen
But for the missile monsoon

[Chris Martin reaches the SNL stage]

She went, “Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo”
Indigo go up to heaven today
Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo
With bombs going boom ba-boom-boom
She say

I want to know when I can go
Back and get drunk with my friends
I want to know when I can go
Back and be young again

Baba would go where the flowers grow
Almond and peach trees in bloom
And he would know just when and what to sow
So golden and opportune
He went, “Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo”
Tulips the colour of honey today
It’s true true, woo woo oo-oo-oo
With bombs going boom ba-boom-boom
He say

I want to know when I can go
Back and get drunk with my friends
I want to know when I can go
Back and be young again (yeah)

Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo
Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo

Cherubim seraphim soon
Come sailing us home by the light of the moon

Oh I want to know when I can go
Back and get drunk with my friends
I want to know when I can go
Back and feel home again

Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo
I guess we’ll be raised on our own then
Woo woo, woo woo oo-oo-oo
I want to be with you ’til the world ends
I want to be with you ’til the whole world ends

Boom boom ka, buba de ka
Boom boom ka, buba de ka
Boom boom ka, buba de ka
Boom boom ka, buba de ka
Boom

Coldplay Everyday Life (Live)

[Starts with Kristen Stewart as an announcer in SNL stage]

Kristen Stewart: Once again, Coldplay!

[Cheers and applause]

[Music starts playing. Coldplay is playing the music at the stage.]

Chris Martin: What in the world are we going to do?
Look at what everybody’s going through
What kind of world do you want it to be?
Am I the future or the history?

‘Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies
Everyone falls
Everybody dreams and doubts
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out

How in the world I am going to see?
You as my brother
…Not my enemy?

‘Cause everyone hurts
Everyone cries
Everyone sees the colour in each other’s eyes
Everyone loves
Everybody gets their hearts ripped out
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out
Gonna keep dancing when the lights go out
Hold tight for everyday life
Hold tight for everyday life

At first light
Throw my arms out open wide
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu-halle-hallelujah
Yes

 

A Proposition

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kristen Stewart

Pig Boy… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of night dance club building]

[Music playing]

[Cut to inside the club, people are dancing. Kenan and Ego are enjoying their meal at the table]

Kenan: Um-hmm. Yeah! This is something, girl, Baltimore has come a long way. I might have one more.

Ego: You know we got church in the morning.

Kenan: It’s Tuesday.

Ego: And? You think the devil takes off Wednesdays?

Kenan: No, he doesn’t.

Ego: Okay.

[Kristen walks up to the couple]

Kristen: Hey.

Kenan: Oh! Hello, young lady.

Kristen: What’s your deal?

Kenan: Us? Well, it’s our anniversary and we’re meeting somebody here. But right now, I’m enjoying these here crabcakes. [Cut to Kenan and Ego] I can only have crab once a quarter due to the swelling.

Ego: Good thing we brought our own food, this place don’t even have a menu.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yes, I mean, are you married, or–?

food, this place don’t even have a menu. Are you married, or—

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, we are married, yes indeed.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Oh, that’s so cool. How long have you been married?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Since birth.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: That’s so amazing. I mean, I would love to just get inside that. Even if it was just one night, you know?

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, good luck to you.

Ego: Plenty of options here, around.

Kristen: Let me ask you a question.

Ego: Is it about my fish sandwich? Because it’s not on the menu. I brought it here myself, it’s from Mecca-Donald’s.

Kristen: Have you ever heard of that song by Katy Perry, it’s something like, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”?

Ego: I’m sorry, baby, I stopped listening to music when queen Latifah started hosting talk shows. I just couldn’t take the betrayal.

Kristen: Do you think it would like it? Because I’m pansexual.

Kenan: Pansexual? What’s that, like you like having sex around pants?

Ego: So you like to have sex at breakfast?

Kenan: Oh, [Cut to Kenan and Ego] that’s never going to work for me, I can’t just wake up and do it like that. I got to have my long pee first.

Ego: Baby, you are in there for a while. You are in there for a while.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: I don’t think you guys understand what pansexual means.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Oh, I definitely don’t. But I’m about to enjoy these pan fried crabcakes. We bout to dip some crabs!

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, let me be blunt. I want to explore tonight.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: With someone here.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Okay.

Kenan: Well, whoever that’s going to be, I’m sure they’re going to enjoy it. Go have fun.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Ego: God bless and good luck.

Kenan: We goin’ dip some crabs.

Kristen: Okay.

[Kristen leaves]

Kenan: You know, I think something’s going on with that young lady.

Ego: She wanted some of your crabcakes is what it was.

Kenan: All she had to do was ask.

Kristen: Hey, hey! [Cut to Kristen dancing in the dancefloor] Do you like this?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Very nice. Very nice.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: Like, I can just keep doing this.

Ego: Yes, that’s good.

Kristen: All right! o this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: You know what? I pulled a hamstring doing a shuffle at my nephew’s wedding.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: So, do you like it?

Ego: Wonderful.

Kenan: You’re very, very talented.

Ego: That’s wonderful.

Kenan: You know what? Let me give you my business card. Yeah, my nephew just started a record label, Jive Ass Records. He might need somebody for the video.

Kristen: Thank you.

[Cut to Kristen] Like, this is going to work out for me. Have a good night guys.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, nice to meet you. We going to collect that little pig boy and head out of here.

Ego: Where he at? Pig boy?

[Pig boy come in. He is an Asian stripper who is wearing leather tight outfit.]

Pig Boy: Yes, mam.

Kenan: Oh, yeah. You’re a dirty little pig, ain’t you?

Pig Boy: Yes sir, and filthy.

Ego: You so hot, we like that.

Kenan: Yeah, we going to make you filthier.

Ego: We’re about to have sex with our little pig boy. Squeal, pig boy.

 

Weekend Update Trump Fires Back at Critics

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s been another less-than-ideal week for president Trump. A top diplomat confirmed the quid pro quo with Ukraine. Public support for impeachment rose to over half the country. And they even took Trump’s name off his own skating rinks in New York. You know you’re losing support among white voters when you can’t even appeal to ice skaters. But earlier today, Trump fired back at all of his critics with this tweet. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] Four dots. That was the whole tweet. And while you might think it’s a mistake, it’s still up on his account and it’s got 41,000 likes. Four dots is maybe the most omnious think you could possibly tweet when you’re president, except what he tweeted just an hour ago, which was, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Something very big has just happened,” with no further explanation. Which with Trump could mean, we either just invaded Mexico or [Picture changes to McRib box] the McRib is back. But still, [Picture changes to a house republicans] Trump has his supporters, a group of house republicans led by live-action Quagmire, Matt Gaetz stormed into a hearing room during testimony during the impeachment inquiry, and these republicans were not happy with how Trump was being treated.

[Cut to a video clip of Matt Gaetz’s speech]

Matt Gaetz: If a government can do this to the president of the United States, they can do it to you as well. You need to be scared. You need to be very scared.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yet, somehow, not scared. I just don’t think that the average American is scared that they’re going to lost their job for withholding military aid for Ukraine. This protest was so lame that halfway through, the republicans [Picture changes to the republicans enjoying pizza. there’s a pile of pizza boxes.] ordered a pizza. And a reporter took this photo and my favorite part is this staff member’s [picture is zoomed to a woman looking at the camera] reaction once they saw the pizzas. It’s the kind of expression that says, [Trump’s tweet pops on her head] “Oh, something every big just happened.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NBC news reporter accidentally got a butt dialed voice mail from Rudy Giuliani, in which he talked about overseas deals, Joe Biden and then asked for a few hundred thousand dollars. Man, what the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker. I remember Giuliani coming out of TV during 9/11 so calm and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand what was going on then? Or was he like Forest Gump in Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the mayor of 9/11 to 9/11 of mayors.

[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator and ghost pointing the murder happened, Mitch McConnell, denied a claim that he referred to the Ukraine Call as “Perfect”, because the only time Mitch McConnell has every said something was perfect is when he saw a child drop her ice cream cone and lose her balloon at the same time.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez and Bernie Sanders holding and raising their hands at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college. You hate to see it, Colin, you really do. That’s O for two?

[Cut to Coling Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders an a marijuana leaf at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders announced his plan to legalize marijuana on Thursday at 4:20 because he likes his voters like he likes his taxes, high as hell.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Tuldi Gabbard]

Hillary Clinton indicated on a recent podcast that she believes that presidential candidate Tuldi Gabbard is being groomed by Russian intelligence. While Bernie Sanders is being groomed by a leaf blower. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders with his messed up hair.]

Weekend Update First All-Female Space Walk Makes History

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rapper Kanye West released his new gospel album, “Jesus is King” yesterday, and it’s also been reported that Kanye will be altering his old hits with more G-rated lyrics. So, yay. At first, I thought Kanye was losing his mind and now I think he’s fine, he’s just turning into an old white lady. He used to be one of the coolest black dudes on earth, now he’s showing up to events in sweat pants and orthopedic sneakers looking like Kenny G. and trying to get black people to like Trump. How long before this guy changes his name to Cathy? You may think I’m crazy, but about five years ago, there was a fellow named Bruce Jenner–

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of two female astronauts at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pretty much ended. Yeah, that’s great. Two women on the international space station made history with the first all-female spacewalk which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling, “Kiss!”

[Picture changes to Brett Kavanaugh]

A new poll shows that the best-known supreme court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of in the same way that the best-known sandwich mascot is [Picture changes to Jared Fogle with Subway watermark on it.] Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Boston city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: All right. Name another one. Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankee’s hat. [Picture changes to a solar-powered boat] To celebrate the 400th anniversary of “The May Flower”, a solar-powered boat will cross the atlantic. Personally, I’m not celebrating any ship that crossed the Atlantic 400 years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings bad even by rat standards.

[Picture changes to a Target logo and an Olaf snowman]

Police in Florida arrested a man in a local target for masturbating with an Olaf doll. Worse, he let it go. Now, I think it’s weird to use an Olaf doll because most people just their hands. [Picture changes to cartoon character Hans.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost. \

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che! Good night.

Weekend Update Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Benefiting from Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost on his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, president Trump’s eldest son attacked Hunter Biden in the media for allegedly profiting from his father’s political influence. Here with more, first sons, Eric and Don Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. come in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, Colin. Nice Bernie jokes. Can you believe it, they actually made fun of a democrat.

Eric: Ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you like that, Eric?

Eric: I don’t get it!

Colin Jost: Now Eric, you were recently interviewed on Fox News?

Eric: All by myself.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, you were. God, I was so proud of him. Our little boy is growing up, Colin. Today he sat through an entire meeting without doing the pee-pee dance.

Eric: And I had to go.

Donald Trump Jr.: He’s transitioning from bath to showers.

Eric: I still lay down.

Donald Trump Jr.: And he even has a crush on a girl.

Eric: Ha-ha! My wife!

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh-huh! Lara Trump, your wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: Congrats, Eric. Well, you’ve both been accusing of Hunter Biden of benefiting from his father’s political connections, but haven’t you two been doing the exact same thing?

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric: Ha-ha. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, we’d been running the Trump organization even if Donald Trump wasn’t our father.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, but Hunter Biden, you know, Colin, there’s a word for when you get a job because of who your family is.

Eric: Uh-huh. Nipple teasing!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s nepotism, bud. It’s not nipple teasing, right? Nepotism.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Do you want to try saying Nepotism? Nepotism. All right. Look, if the dems want a witch hunt, they should go after the real witch, okay? Joe—

Eric: Hermione—

Donald Trump Jr.: –Biden.

Eric: –Granger.

Donald Trump Jr.: Not real, buddy. Look, all of these attacks on our family, Colin, are just distractions. The dems know this primary’s a disaster. And no one can beat our father in the general. And the worse is this Kamala Harris. Oh, my god. My dad can’t stand her. Because Harris is—

Eric: A woman!

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, that’s not why. Harris is—

Eric: lack.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric, she’s a big talker. But it’s clear she’s all bark and no—

Eric: White!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no! Eric, you know something buddy, do you want to play with your new pen toy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got this at Fao Schwartz, right? Yeah. The bottom line, Colin—Look, you know how this works. You put things in it like—Oh, yeah! Oh, no. Look, I’m going to talk to Colin right now, okay? Look, Colin, I’ll make this simple. All the lies, witch hunts and impeachments inquiries in the world won’t help the dems’ chances in this 2020 election. The Trumps are here to stay. And now the message for the dems, do we look like people who lose?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Colin Jost: No comment. The Trump brothers, everyone.

Eric: I disappeared!

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, thank you.

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”