Category: 2019

Rectix | Season 44 Episode 19

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Emily… Heidy Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dad… Adam Sandler

[Starts with a family sitting on a veranda]

Mom: We are going to get some lemonade so you two behave.

Son:  Okay.

[Mom and Emily leave]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’ll tell you that Emily is great. Your mom and I really like her.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Thanks, Pop.

[Son looks disappointed]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Something on your mind, son?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Actually, yeah. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but lately I’ve been having a little trouble performing.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: You mean erectile dysfunction?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Has it ever happened to you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Sure has. It happened to me a lot. [Cut to Son agreeing]

[Cut to Dad]

But then I found out about new Rectix. [Dad takes a huge pill out]

[Cut to Son]

Son: Whoa, that pill is massive, how do you even swallow that thing?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Ha-ha, you don’t swallow it son. You insert it like an suppository and trust me, it works.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So you put that thing—

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix isn’t like ordinary pills. It has a hard 5 inch capsule when placed into your rectum can stop erectile dysfunction dead in it’s tracks.

[Cut to Son]

Son: And it just dissolves up there?

Dad: No, no, [Cut to Dad and son] that’s the best part, son. It stays put for as long as you need it to work. It even comes with an attached loop [Cut to Dad showing the loop of Rectix] so you can retrieve it when you’re through.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So, it’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: A what? No. It’s a pill.

Narrator: Rectix. The all natural, fast-acting male enhancement pill.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Dad, does mom know about this?

[Cut to Mom coming out with lemonades]

Mom: Well, it was actually my idea. I was afraid your dad would never get an erection ever again.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: One night your mother said to me, “Lay back, let’s try something.”

[Cut to Son]

Son: I really shouldn’t be hearing this.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Oh, I was skeptical too, son. I remember asking, “What the hell are you doing back there?”

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: And I told him, “Just relax and breathe.”

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: So I said, “What is that, like a pill or something?”

Mom: And I said, “Sure.”

Dad: And it worked. Immediately.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Okay, I got it, dad.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: I tried other methods.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: But none of those things worked like Rectix vibrating pills.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Wait, so it vibrates too?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Of course it does. What did you think? That it doesn’t?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Yeah.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Well, it does. You know what, son, why don’t you borrow mine?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ew, no.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Relax, honey, it’s clean. Every prescription of Rectix is 100% dishwasher safe.

[Cut to Son]

Son: You put that thing in the dishwasher? Stop calling it a prescription. It’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: It’s a pill.

Mom: It’s a pill.

[Emily comes out with a lemonade for herself]

Emily: Umm, this lemonade is amazing.

[Son slaps the glass out of Emily’s hand]

Son: Don’t put your mouth on that!

[Cut to Rectix precaution video]

Narrator: Side effects might include slight discomfort, extreme discomfort and shift in couple’s power dynamics.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Mom: Honey, what’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Oh, my god.

Dad: It’s a pill.

War Zone Reporter | Season 44 Episode 19

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Arthur Wentzel… Beck Bennett

Brian… Mikey Day

Lieutenant… Adam Sandler

[Starts with CNN news intro]

Narrator: This is a CNN special report.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set]

Brooke Baldwin: Chaos in Tripoli this afternoon as multiple militias fight for control of the city. [Arthur Wentzel joins Brooke] Brooke Baldwin joined by former CIA analyst Arthur Wentzel.

Arthur Wentzel: Hello.

Brooke Baldwin: All satellite and internet communications in the region have been cut off but we were able to connect with our reporter in Tripoli via phone. [Cut to split screen. Brooke and Arthur are on the left side, Brian is on the right side] Brian, can you hear me?

Brian: Yes, hello, I’m here at the Mirador hotel with other journalists taking refuge from the war zone outside. [Cut to Brian] I apologize about the picture quality. I’m using a social streaming app on my phone that is somehow able to get through. [Sound of a blast]

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you there?

Arthur Wentzel: Sounded like some sort of explosion.

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you okay? Y

[Cut to Brian streaming with a Snapchat filter]

Brian: Yes, I am okay. That was a mortar round. There is a lot of activity immediately outside of the hotel. Is everyone okay? I won’t lie. I’m very scared right now.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you using Snapchat to connect with us?

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter]

Brian: I think so. Is there an issue with the video? I cannot see my screen. It was shattered as we fled our press convoy. Can you see me?

[Cut to split screen. Brooke and Arthur are on the left side, Brian is on the right side]

Arthur Wentzel: Yes, we can, and you look like, I want to say, Simon’s girlfriend from Alvin and the Chipmunks. It’s dumb, but I’m smiling.

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter]

Brian: Again, I’m sorry, I cannot see my screen. [Sound of breaking] Someone is trying to get into my room.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, do you know who’s trying to get into your room?

Arthur Wentzel: And do you know if those filters free with the app or do you have to pay?

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter. Now, he is a birthday raccoon.]

Brian: Soldiers with guns have entered my room. I’m unarmed. I’m an American journalist. American!

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we seem to have lost the feed. We hope Brian is okay. Arthur, now as an expert in this region, what do you make of what we just saw?

Arthur Wentzel: Well, I believe that was a meerkat but it could have been a lemur. Either way, that’s the best one I’ve seen.

Brooke Baldwin: I’m being told the feed is back. Brian?

[Cut to Brian with Lieutenant.]

Brian: Yes, hello, this is a lieutenant in the people’s militia. He has agreed to speak with us.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Lieutenant, what is your organization fighting for?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a rainbow filter.]

Lieutenant: Freedom! Wait, I can see on the TV I look silly.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Yes, and we apologize. But lieutenant, if you gained power, would you promise to hold open elections?

[Cut to Lieutenant with another filter]

Lieutenant: Oh, my god, look how weird I am. [laughing] Can you imagine if I looked like this? Ha-ha-ha! I look like old-timey doctor who comes to your house with a bag.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Arthur Wentzel: Ha-ha-ha. I was going to say Ellis Island Immigrant but I see what you mean by old-timey doctor.

Brooke Baldwin: This is serious.

Arthur Wentzel: But he looks funny.

Brooke Baldwin: Lieutenant, if I may ask, who is in charge of your Militia?

[Cut to Lieutenant with another filter]

Lieutenant: Wait, wait. Our leader is here right now. Would you like to speak to her?

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Very much, yes, ma’am? Ma’am, are you there? Ma’am?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a girl filter]

Lieutenant: [In a woman’s voice] Hi, do you like my hair? Do you like my makeup?

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Arthur Wentzel: Hubba hubba.

[Cut to Lieutenant with a rabbit filter]

Lieutenant: I must go. But to the world I say this. Blood will never stop flowing until our people are free. Ha-ha! Funny dance! [Sound of explosion]

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Sounds like the fighting is close.

Arthur Wentzel: Yes, he’d better hop to it.

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you still there?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a hotdog filter]

Brian: Uh, yes. The fighting is in the hotel now. Soldiers are moving us to a new location. I’m unclear where I am going. Oh, my god, that’s a dead body. Kids, if you want to be a journalist, this is what it looks like. Brian Makins, live in Tripoli.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Stay safe, Brian. That was some brave reporting, plain and simple.

Arthur Wentzel: Not plain. He had mustard.

Brooke Baldwin: Go! Go! We’ll be right back. Out.

[Ends with CNN outro]

Holes | Season 44 Episode 19

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Adam Sandler

[Music video. It looks like a video of rock song in ‘80s]

Beck Bennett: Clothes, we wear them everyday. I’m even wearing it right now.

Kyle Mooney: But what are they? Cloth? Sure.

Beck Bennett: But if you look a little closer, you’ll realize the clothes are actually just holes.

Kyle Mooney: It’s a lot, I know. Don’t worry sweet thing! We’ll break it down.

Beck Bennett: My shirt has a hole just for my neck
two long holes for my arms
and a big hole for my waist
my shirt is just holes

Kyle Mooney: My pants, two long holes for my legs
and a big hole for my waist
where my pants will meet my shirt
my pants are just holes

Beck Bennett: But clothes are not the only things with holes

Kyle Mooney: No, no, no!

Beck Bennett: Our bodies,

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: Our bodies, they have holes too
Clothes are holes, yeah, yeah!
and we get inside those holes
to cover our bodies
then our bodies’ prive in holes

Beck Bennett: Because we cannot show those holes

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: it’s a law that was based a long time ago

Beck Bennett: We wear public holes on our private holes.

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: Those are holes called clothes.

Beck Bennett: I think about holes every night and day
because everyone wears holes

Kyle Mooney: Some people in holy holes
a boxer in a short holes
you wear your best holes to the prom

Beck Bennett: Our hip-hop holes and cowboy holes
and the holes that get to fly in the space

Kyle Mooney: Winston Churchill made big decision wearing holes.

Beck Bennett: Federico Bellini, Roberto Benigni
they finally made Italian holes
even Andy Warhol wore holes

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: To cover up, Andy wore holes
Clothes are holes, yeah, yeah!
and we get inside those holes
to cover up bodies
then our bodies’ prive in holes

Beck Bennett: Because if we all showed our holes
you would see all the holes of the people you know
and I don’t want to see those holes

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: I want to see clothe’s holes

Adam Sandler: [Comes in with a guitar] Wow, wow, wow.
I think I’m seeing holes now
everybody hold now
wow
Your papa and you mama and your sister and brother
all have holes

I press my holes and I steam my holes
and I take my holes to the cleaners
yeah, yeah, yeah
hold it, hold it, hold it now
come on, come on

Everybody: Clothes are holes, yeah, yeah!
and we get inside those holes
to cover our bodies
then our bodies’ prive in holes
because if we all free our holes
there’ll be a lot of butt holes at your funeral
so that’s why we wear holes
and holes are clothes

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. It’s something I’ve been thinking about.

Weekend Update: Opera Man Returns | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Opera man… Adam Sander

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: After a very long absence, here once again to look at people and places in the news, it’s Weekend Update’s Opera man.

[Music plays]

[Opera man joins]

[Opera man is waving a scarf]

Opera Man: [There’s a picture of Game of Thrones logo at left top corner]

Game of Thrones-Ah, almost finito
molto exciting, edge of my seat-o
we can’t wait for final show-ah
so we can cancel our HBO-ah

[Picture changes to a horse race]

Kentucky derby very fasto
one in first and one in lasto
winning horse is magnifioso
losing horse is delicioso

[Picture changes to James Harden]

Beard man. He cry-o
Draymond poke him in eye-o
He say beardie kicks [Picture changes to Kevin Durant]
Just wait ’til Durant comes to the Knicks! [Cheers and applaud]

[Picture changes to cover poster of the movie ‘Long Shot’]

Pretty lady, goofy man-ah
Opera man no understand-ah
silly face but still he score-ah
where have I seen this before-ah? [Picture changes to Adam Sandler movies with pretty ladies]

Come on man! Let’s go man!

[Picture changes to Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand]
Kamala, Gillibrand
[Picture changes to Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren]
Klobuchar, Warren
They have slim chance-o
they no wear pants-o

[Picture changes to Cory Booker, Pete Buttigieg and Beto o’Rourke]

Cory, Pete and Beto
Will have to wait-o
Here we go again
[Picture changes to Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders]
Seventy year old men

[Picture changes to Joe Biden getting close to different women]

Gropa gropa, Sniffa sniffa
young or olda, make no diffa
Joe for this you, won’t go far-o
to win white house, you need to bang porn star-o [Picture changes to Stormy Daniels]

[Picture changes to William Barr]

Where did Barr go?
He did not show
Check every single Wendy’s!

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Trumpa, Dumpa, Trumpa, Dumpa
I make-a the wall
I playa the golf
and they take-a the fall

Trumpa, Dumpa, Trumpa, Dumpa
They afraid to impeach
I get to make-a the wall
And Putin make me his beetch

[Picture changes to Opera man from many years ago]

So very long since I’ve been around-ah
24 years and 24 pounds-ah
so glad to be back
now I get a snack

Opera man 

bye-bye!

[People start throwing roses]

[Colin and Michael join the Opera man]

Colin Jost: Opera man, everyone. Opera Man. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Senator Elizabeth Warren on College Debt Forgiveness | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren recently unveiled the plan to eliminate student loan debt and make public colleges free. Here to comment is Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Senator Elizabeth Warren joins]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Hi, Colin. I’m so glad to be here. Hey, how are you?

Colin Jost: Okay. So senator, you rolled out some very ambitious new plans.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. I guess.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

I guess I’m setting myself apart from the other candidates by saying what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. Whoa, what a crackpot idea.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Yes, yes. Well, people have been very excited about your college debt plan.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, you’re damn right, Colin.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

When I went to college in Oklahoma, it was affordable. It cost $2.5 a semester. My dorm was an empty grain silo. And I got a scholarship for playing varsity hoop and stick. Look, College debt forgiveness is essential. I wish I could be forgiven for what I did in college. But that squirrel family was there, and I already had a broth going.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: All right. Well–

Elizabeth Warren: We fought.

Colin Jost: Yeah, sounds like you really valued education.

Elizabeth Warren: Of course, I do. You know, all I ever wanted was to be was a teacher, [Cut to Elizabeth] because back then smart girls could be three things. A teacher, a nurse who gets kissed on the street by a soldier, or a dead mother of eight.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: And do you think that all of your proposals are going to help set you apart from some of these other candidates?
Elizabeth Warren: Well, I sure hope so. Look, Colin, [Cut to Elizabeth] I mean, what a frickin clown car I found myself in. I’m over here working round the clock to give you free college but look at that, beto o’dork did parkour in a Starbucks. Wow. Whoops, I just figured out university pre-k, but what’s that over there, mayor Pete Bugugagudiguge playing piano and speaking fluent Klingon. I know as a democrat I’m not supposed to say this, but speak English. Frick!

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

We’re going to have a fight.

Colin Jost: No, no. Settle down, Senator. And now, what about now that Joe Biden is now officially running too?

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. Great! Everyone make room for good old Joe, the Amtrak masseuse. What a hero.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Look, Colin, if I lose, I’ma still be fighting in the US senate and where will old Joe be? Sitting on Rehoboth beach, reading a Tom Clancy novel, picking salt water taffy out of his veneers.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

And that’s a fight. That’s a good fight.

Colin Jost: And senator, you were also the first candidate to call for Trump’s impeachment.

Elizabeth Warren: Look, duh, Colin, okay. ‘Cause nobody’s above the law.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Impeachment is this guy’s middle name. That and jackass. But all the other democrats are still concerned with decorum. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, and we’re politely waiting in line for the bathroom. Who cares? Just go ahead, America, stick your ass over the rail and go.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: I will be VP. Thank you, sir.

Weekend Update: Moby’s Trump Confession | Season 44 Episode 19

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There are pictures of bugs at right top corner]

Michael Che: Scientists are saying that in order to meet the world’s demand for meat, they are exploring the possibility of eating maggots, locusts, and other bugs, or and hear me out, salad. Eat a salad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Moby at left top corner]

Colin Jost: In an upcoming book, singer Moby claims that at a party he once knob touched Donald Trump. Which is when you take out your penis and you brush it up against another person. Moby’s book is titled, “Stories no one wants.”

[The picture changes to HBO Game of Thrones bumper]

The battle Winterfell episode on Game of Thrones has been become the most watched program ever in HBO’s history with more than 17 million viewers, all using the same ten HBO go passwords.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Pope Francis at right top corner]

Michael Che: Pope Francis met with more than 200 Italian catholic hairstylists and warned them about the temptation of gossip in beauty salons. Especially when that gossip is, “Did you hear what happened to those altar boys?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of soap at left top corner]

Colin Jost:  Police in Pennsylvania are searching for a man who stole more than $200 worth of soap and crab-meat, which coincidentally are the exact ingredients in Peeps.

[Picture changes to Mark Zuckerberg]

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg posted that he’s created a sleep box which helps his wife with insomnia by staying dark through the night and then lightning up when it’s time for her to wake up. That story again, Mark Zuckerberg makes his wife sleep in a coffin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of a news saying ‘Woman stung 20 times on head’ at right top corner]

Michael Che: An Arizona woman suffered more than 200 bee stings after a heavy wind blew a beehive on her head. But tragically, no one filmed it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Applebee’s drink at left top corner]

Colin Jost:  I got to follow that? For the entire month of May, Applebee’s is serving a margarita for $1 called the dollar-rita, after which you’re guaranteed to come down with a case of dollar-rhea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of jelly fish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have discovered a new species of Jellyfish with a transient anus that appears only when it needs to expel waste and on its husband’s birthday.

Weekend Update: William Barr’s Senate Testimony | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator” It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Steven Cohen eating a fried chicken in conference at left top corner] Well, this Thursday in congress was ‘Take your chicken to work’ day. What happened was Attorney General William Barr refused to show up for a congressional hearing because I guess our country just has no rules anymore. So, democrat Steve Cohen brought in a prop chicken in a bucket of KFC to make the hilarious and subtle point that Barr is a chicken. Yeah, it was awful. You know who hated it, the other people in the room who had to smell and watch an old man go to town on a bucket of chicken at 9 in the morning. Think about the poor intern who had to go find a KFC at dawn to order a 12-piece bucket and then be like, “Oh, no, it’s for my boss, he’s a congressman.”

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at right top corner]

Michael Che: House judiciary chairman Jerrold Nadler said that if the justice department doesn’t hand over the unredacted Mueller report by Monday, he will initiate contempt proceedings against Barr. Man, just steal the damn report. Why is this so complicated? They found 30,000 of Hillary’s deleted emails, I’m sure you can find a bootleg copy of that Mueller report somewhere. Why do they keep trying to play by the rules with this guy? Democrats deal with [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Trump like white parents deal with screaming kids at supermarkets. Trump’s just kicking over pickle jars and knocking over boxes. And they’re like, “I’m going to count to 40, mister.”

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Congressman Nadler, who was recently unmasked by the Scooby-Doo gang, criticized William Barr for skipping his testimony, saying Mr. Barr’s moment of accountability will come soon enough. And just for reference, here’s a list of everyone democrats have held accountable since Trump got elected.

[Cut to a screen with title ‘Everyone democrats held accountable’]

[Pop-rock music playing]

[These names drop in the list: Scott Pruitt (sort of), Roseanne, That’s it!]

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Jerrold Nadler at left top corner.]

[Colin is drinking his coffee.]

I thought it would be longer.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner]
Michael Che: President Trump and several members of his family sued Deutsche Bank and Capital One to prevent them for answering a congressional subpoena for information about Trump’s finances. All right, fine. But what kind of billionaire banks with capital one? Could you imagine seeing Donald Trump balling out at a Bentley car dealership like, “Yeah, just put in my rewards card.” “Oh, you can’t, cause it over $2,000?” Well, okay, that sounds wild.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Yesterday president Trump called Vladimir Putin and discussed the Mueller report, and here is how Trump described the call.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: We discussed and he actually sort of smiled when he said something to the effect that it started off as a mountain and it ended up being a mouse.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost:  Yeah, I don’t know if that metaphor is more confusing in Russian or in Trump’s English. Also, can we just hear that first part again?

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: He actually sort of smiled.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: He smiled through the phone? I don’t know, man. Just to sum up the state of our country right now, our president is hearing smiles. [Picture changes to a chicken statue on a conference desk] Our congress is talking to chickens. And the thing people seem angriest about is that [Picture changes to animated Sonic the Hedgehob] Sonic the Hedgehog has human teeth.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Bill De Blasio at right top corner]
Michael Che: New York city mayor Bill De Blasio is expected to announce next week that he will be running for president. But since it’s De Blasio, he won’t be running nights or weekends.

Romano Tours | Season 44 Episode 19

Joe Romano… Adam Sandler

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of Italian architecture and food]

Joe Romano: Culture. History. Spaghetti. These are things of a country called Italia. Hello, [Cut to Joe in his set] I’m Joe Romano from Romano tours. For two generations my family has provided high quality tours of Italy to people from all over the world. But mostly Long Island and Jersey.

[Cut to Alex and Kate. There’s a tag of ‘Real Customers’ at the bottom.]

Alex Moffat: We saw all of it in a bus. We ate everyday incredible.

Kate McKinnon: I got to look at the pope and he even told me happy birthday. Thanks, Romano tours.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Romano: Explore the old country with our award winning ten day vacation package. [Cut to video clip of Venice] See Venice, the city of wetness. [Cut to video clip of Leaning tower of Pisa] Point and laugh at the tower of Pisa. [Cut to Aidy and Kenan playing with dough] And play with some dough in Napoli. [Cut to Joe] People love us. But, every so often, a customer leaves a review that they were disappointed or didn’t have as much fun as they thought. So here at Romano tours, we always remind our customers, if you’re sad now, you might still feel sad there, okay? Do you understand? That makes sense? Our tours will take you to the most beautiful places on Earth. [Cut to video clip of Amalfi coast] Hike to cliffs off the Amalfi coast. Fish with the nets in Sorrento. [Cut to video clip of a woman yoga posturing] Do this, I don’t know.

[Cut to Joe] But remember, you’re still going to be you on vacation. If you are sad where you are, and then you get on a plane to Italy, the you in Italy will be the same sad you from before. Just in a new place. Does that make sense? There’s a lot a vacation can do. Help you unwind. See some different looking squirrels. But it cannot fix deeper issues like how you behave in group settings or your general baseline mood. That’s a job for incremental lifestyle changes sustained over time.

[‘Can’ and ‘Cannot’ chart appears in the screen]

I want to be very clear about what we can do for you. We can take you on a hike. We cannot turn you into someone who likes hiking. We can take you to the Italian Rivera. We cannot make you feel comfortable in a bathing suit. We can provide the zip line. We cannot give you the ability to say Whee and mean it. You’re not your sister.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan enjoying wine]

We can provide you with a wine tasting tour of Tuscany. [Cut to Aidy drinking whole glass of wine at once] We cannot change why your drink. Or the person you become when you do, okay? [Cut to Joe] I’m sorry, but it’s true. And our friendly tour guides are happy to take your picture, but remember, the pictures of you [Cut to Aidy and Kenan posing for a picture] are going to have you in them. And if you don’t like how you look back home, [Cut to Joe] it’s not going to get any better on Gondola.

[Cut to Alex and Kate. There’s a tag of ‘They saw the Vatican’ at the bottom.]

Kate McKinnon: Right before we went in the Vatican, he took my face in his hands and he said, if you feel bad about yourself in a church back home, the Vatican is 100% wall to wall church.

Alex Moffat: So, we went for 20 minutes and then we went back to the hotel and watched ‘Paddington 2’.

Kate McKinnon: The best.

Alex Moffat: Love the Vatican.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Romano: This may sound rude, but I’m trying to temper expectations. I hate seeing people beat themselves up on my tours, it really gets to me. And please, if you and your partner are having trouble connecting, we guarantee our tour will not help. If you don’t want to touch each other at home, be reminded, in Italy you’ll have those same bodies and thoughts. Look, a day is long time to feel happy for all of it. Most of us get 45 minutes if we’re lucky. And that’s our motto at Romano tours.

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Romano Tours.

Cut for Time: Chad’s Journey | Season 44 Episode 19

Chad… Pete Davidson

Angel… Mikey Day

Brad… Adam Sandler

Doctor… Heidi Gardner

Assistant… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Chad puts a fork on a plate of his foot. Then he puts it into he micro-oven and turns it on. He starts using his phone. There’s an explosion in his house.]

[Cut to Chad is over the skies and clouds]

[An angel appears]

Angel: Hello Chad. Welcome to the afterlife. I’m afraid to say you have died.

Chad: Okay.

Angel: Chad. You were taken too soon. Which means you have a choice to make. Go that way and you will return to the realm of the living.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and heads that way]

Angel: Wait, Chad!

[Cut TO Chad IS getting AED shock. Chad wakes up.]

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: We got a pulse.

Assistant: Welcome back kid.

[Cut to the angel, Chad, Heidi and Kenan]

Angel: Chad, we’re not quite done.

[Angel takes the soul out of Chad. Chad dies again.]

Doctor: Damn it!

[Cut to a person standing on a mystic place]

Angel: Before you stands someone you wanted to meet your entire life.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Chad: Thanos?

Angel: No, not Thanos.

Chad: Machine Gun Kelly?

Angel: Chad! Let me finish. This is someone who dies before you were born. [Cut to Brad, turning behind slowly. He has a baseball and a glove] Chad, this is your father.

[Cut to Chad and angel]

Chad: What up?

Angel: And Brad, this is your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Okay, cool.

[Cut to angel and Chad. Angel hands Chad a baseball glove]

Angel: I’ll leave you. I think you two have some catching up to do. And remember–

[Cut to Brad]
Brad: Catch!

[Brad throws the ball. The ball hit’s Chad’s face and he falls down.]

[Cut to angel]
Angel: He wasn’t ready Brad!

[Cut to Brad]
Brad: My bad.

[Cut to angel and Chad]

Angel: Chad, are you okay?

Chad: Yes, it’s all good.

Angel: You need to wait until he’s ready. Everything you always wanted to say to each other, now is the time.

[Cut to Chad. He is looking at the ball]

[Cut to Brad, he waves his gloves.]

[Cut to angel, he nods his head]

[Chad throws the ball. The ball goes somewhere else.]

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: I’ll get it.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: Brad! [Cut to Brad]Brad!

[Cut to Brad looking for ball inside the bush]
Brad: What’s up?

[Cut to angel]
Angel: Come, be with your son.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: But the ball?

[Cut to angel]
Angel: It doesn’t matter. The ball’s deep in the bushes. Forget.

[Cut to split screen of Chad and Brad]

Chad and Brad: Ball’s deep in the bush?

[Cut to angel]

Angel: The game of catch was just a means for Chad to find closure so he can return to earth and live his life to the fullest.

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: It’s just, the ball is not mine.

Angel: It’s fine. Your son is wait– where did he go? Chad!

[Cut to Brad in the bushes]
Chad: What up? [Chad also comes out of the bushes]

Angel: Don’t worry about looking for the ball.

Chad: Oh, I was taking a piss.

[Cut to angel]
Angel: Of course, you were. Okay guys, just, both of you come here.

[Cut to Chad and Brad coming out of the bushes]

[Cut to angel, Chad and Brad]

Angel: Chad, this is the man you have wondered about your entire life. Do you have anything to say to him?

[Cut to Chad]
Chad: I’m good.

[Cut to angel]

Angel: All right, let’s try this. Brad, do you have anything to ask [Cut to Brad] your son?

Brad: You got a big dick?

[Cut to Chad]

Chad: Oh, no doubt.

[Cut to Brad]
Brad: Hell, yeah!

[Brad and Chad shake their hands]

[Cut to angel]

Angel: Well, that’s going to have to do. All right, go forth Chad into the light and live your life in new.

[Cut to Chad]
Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks to the light]

[Cut to Brad watching him leave]

[Cut to Chad turning around to look at Brad]

[Chad farts]

Chad: Safety!

[Cut to Brad nodding his head]

[Cut to Chad walks through]

[Cut to the doctor covering Chad’s body]

Assistant: You did everything you could.

[Chad wakes up]

Chad: What up?

Assistant: Oh shit!

[Assistant punches Chad and knocks him out]

Last Call with Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Bernie Letser… Adam Sandler

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

Melba Toast… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a bartender cleaning the booth.]

Bartender: All right everybody, last call. So you bar flies either need to find a place to lay your eggs or fly home to your dumps.

Bernie Letser: Not so fast, bartender. [Cut to Bernie] I think I’ll have one more Hot Toddy.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: I’ll have a Pinot gris ho. That’s a dry red with a potato skin floater. I’m not driving. Not with this. [Sheila shows her heels] He went to Jared.

[Cut to Bartender, Bernie and Sheila]

Bartender: Oh, my god, just drink ‘em and git. I got to find a church that’s still open.

[Bartender leaves]

Bernie Letser: Well, well, well. Spring has sprung and it looks like there’s one little daisy sucking up the last of this stinking by water.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow, well, you know what they say, April showers bring memories of that shower I had in April. I’m Sheila Sauvage. [Sheila puts her arm on Bernie’s shoulder] You can remember that because if you shake up the letters, it spells shallow veg.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Yes, hello. You got the number of CDC? I want to report two new viruses.

[Cut to Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: You know my name, Fella, what about you? What’s on your apartment buzzer?

Bernie Letser: Other than the notice from animal control that ways we’ll try again tomorrow. It says Bernie Letser.

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. When I first saw you I was like, not for a million dollars. Now I’m like, I’ll do it for five. You got to show me the five first.

Bernie Letser: Well, I’m packing five if you measure from my head.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh!

[Melba joins]

Melba Toast: He’s right. It’s an Inny when it’s hard. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] Hi, I’m his wife, Melba Letser Toast. Is this our third? She’s human, right?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Sheila Sauvage: Wow. I didn’t see you there. I thought you were an eye floater.

Melba Toast: Oh, it’s not your fault. [Cut to Sheila and Melba] I was on the floor.

Sheila Sauvage: Oh, yeah? Were you doing business or looking for gum?

Melba Toast: Actually neither. My colostomy bag got caught in the jukebox and things went south from there. Am I turning you on?

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: No baby.

Sheila Sauvage: You know, god must have spent a little more time on you, cause there are so many ideas going on here.

Melba Toast: Well, you should know, we’re poly.

Sheila Sauvage: Amorous?

Melba Toast: Cystic. Lots of Cysts.

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Here’s looking at you, kid. [Bartender puts a dynamite in his mouth and lights it]

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: So how shall we start this little ménage a toilet? Double 69?

Sheila Sauvage: Maybe we start with a Seven11, that’s where we all get in bed and roll around like old hot dogs and not touch each other.

Melba Toast: Well. We’re on board. [Melba supports her breasts with her hands and puts it on the booth. It sounds very heavy.]

[Cut to bartender]

Bartender: Just get your gross on already.

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila]

Bernie Letser: You heard the man.

Sheila Sauvage: All right. Hang on. I want to be fresh here. Excuse me.

[Sheila takes a cleaner spray out and sprays in her mouth]

[Sheila then sprays in Melba’s mouth]

[Sheila and Melba start kissing badly, licking each other’s mouths]

[Sheila then sprays in Bernie’s mouth]

[Sheila wipes Melba’s face with a wiper and starts kissing Bernie badly]

Bernie Letser: Well, I just had an orgasm.

[Sheila wipes her own face with a wiper]

Melba Toast: I didn’t finish but I am done.

Sheila Sauvage: I’m wet but it’s definitely just sweat from my butt. All right. Well, since we’re all dogs, I guess there’s just one thing to do. Let’s lady and the Tramp this sucker. Hey, bar keep, is this spaghetti still in the garbage?

[Bartender brings up the garbage and give them the spaghetti]

Bartender: It absolutely is.

Sheila Sauvage: Let’s arrange this here.

Bernie Letser: Okay, nice.

[They put spaghetti in their mouths and then suck them in]

Sheila Sauvage: Careful. Just like the movie, baby.

[Cut to bartender. He has a moustache and a harmonium.]

Bartender: [Starts playing harmonium and singing]

This is the night
such a beautiful night

[Cut to Melba, Bernie and Sheila eating spaghetti with their fists]

[Cut to bartender]

Love makes fools of us all. All right, time for the drone strike.

[Cut to everybody. Bartender is controlling the drones flying around.]

[Cut there is an explosion in the bar]