Category: 2022

The Looker

Carol… Amy Schumer

David… Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a mother talking to her son in the kitchen]

Carol: David, for the last time, you have to unpack your clothes. We moved in a month ago, honey.

David: I will, mom. I’ve just been busy.

Carol: Busy? AKA flirting with every girl in school. [to her husband] Honey, it’s everything okay?

James: I just found this letter. It slipped under our door. I don’t know. It’s strange.

Carol: What does it say?

James: Dearest new neighbors at 322 Oakridge Boulevard.

Male voice: [continuing the letter] Allow me to introduce myself. I am the looker. And I see everything you do.

Carol: Is this some kind of sick prank?

James: I don’t know Carol.

Male voice: I see you’re settling in nicely. Your daughter likes to write in her diary about the boy who mows the lawn. And your son has been hard at work practicing his guitar.

David: Dad, this is creeping me out.

Male voice: As for your wife, after everyone’s asleep, she goes to the kitchen and eat an entire second dinner.

Carol: What? That’s like, what?

Male voice: She eats it like a greedy panicked raccoon afraid of getting caught.

Carol: Okay.

James: As for you, daddy, dearest…

Male voice: I hope you enjoy your morning jogs around the neighborhood. I know your wife does. After you leave, she hits a snag, turns on the TV and pleasures herself to the Property Brothers.

Carol: Okay, that’s not ringing a bell.

James: But he knows about my jobs, Carol.

Chloe: My diary and David’s guitar.

Carol: I know. That’s why it’s so weird that all my stuff is clearly made up.

Male voice: Your life may seem perfect. But the looker knows it’s not. And your poor wife seems to be having trouble in the bathroom. I see her in there rocking back and forth, trying to make something happen.

Carol: You got this, bitch.

Male voice: Giving herself little pep talks.

Carol: Come on. Come on.

Male voice: She gets so frustrated, she’ll go downstairs and blow off steam with more Property Brothers. Why is she so aroused by that show? Is it the brothers or is it the property?

David: Oh my god, mom. Someone’s downloaded every episode of Property Brothers.

Carol: What?

Chloe: And they only watched five minutes of each one.

Carol: What the fring? So this weirdo snuck into our house and mess with the TV? Okay, now, I’m weirded out. Officially.

James: Then it says…

Male voice: Just today, the kids practiced a TikTok dance. Dad worried about his hairline. And mom was on her exercise bike.

Carol: Wait, that one’s real.

James: Oh, I wasn’t done.

Male voice: She doesn’t even pedal. Just sits on the bike and looks at her phone, but she still ends up drenched in sweat. And it’s back to the bathroom to do battle once again.

Carol: Why can’t I go?

James: Till next time. I’m watching.

Chloe: Okay, we need to go to the police.

Carol: And tell them that this guy is making up lies about just me.

James: We will. But I think it’d be safest if we stayed in a hotel for the night.

Carol: Well, one of us should stay, just to, you know, look out for the house. And I guess I’ll do it, since this guy’s got nothing on me.

[everyone leaves but Carol]

[cut to Carol watching TV]

Female voice on TV: Coming up, it’s Demo Day.

Carol: [to the Looker] If you’re watching, it’s the property I’m into. Not the brothers.

Soup

Waiter… Michael Longfellow

Sue… Amy Schumer

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]

Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.

Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.

Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.

Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.

Ego:  Sounds amazing.

Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.

Heidi: So I guess I have some news.

Sue: Oh, what is it?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: Matt and I are separating.

Ego: Oh, no. What?

Sue: Oh, girly for real?

Heidi: Yeah, but I don’t want to run lunch. Just eat.

Sue: Yeah. Yeah, let’s eat and then talk. That feels great.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Of course we’re not going to eat. That is so sad.

Sue: Oh my god. I know. God. Thank you for telling us. And obviously let us know like how it works out. Yeah.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: He said he’s gonna take the kids.

Ego: My god, that monster. What a bastard.

Sue: Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what I say? Good riddance, right?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Good riddance to her kids? No, I don’t think so. We got to make a plan.

Heidi: I’m already talking to a lawyer. [phone vibrating] God, here he is now.

Sue: Oh good, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. Like, go outside.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: [on the phone] What? No!

Sue: Now what?

Heidi: My lawyer got disbarred. My life is just such a mess right now. You don’t even know the half of it. Like I told you guys, I got that VP of marketing job. And it was total BS. [Sue is looking at other people at the restaurant enjoying their food] I never even applied for it. There’s all this other stuff too. Like, I’ve been drinking as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son’s Adderall and he really needs it.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] How long must I wait
to eat my soup without looking like an a hole?
It’s not that I don’t care about her,
but I care about my soup a little more.
My God, she’s still talking
but hey, at least she’s not crying

[she starts crying]

Never mind she just started crying

oh, but I have a great idea
if I pretend to take a drink of my water
I can take the straw and put it in my soup
this plan is pretty perfect
the Straw is hitting broth

and oh my god, she just asked me a question

Heidi: I mean, Sue, what would you do?

Sue: I think, yeah, you should go for it.

Ego: Represent herself in court? No.

Heidi: I don’t know what to do. Would you mind if I had a sip of your water? I finished mine.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] Damn, she’s taking my water
I better hide the straw in my shirt
but oh, what is this? She’s sobbing at last
her head in her hands,
can’t let this moment pass
gotta eat this soup

[Sue finishes her soup]

Heidi: I feel so much better. Thank you girls for letting me vent.

Sue: [with food in her mouth] Oh my god, every time for you girl.

Heidi: How’s your soup?

Sue: It is hotter than I thought. But I’m okay.

[Kenan is standing in front of the ladies now]

Kenan: [singing] Gotta eat this soup

President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Pinx Period Underwear

[Starts with a woman speaking]

Amy: First dates. Am I right? I was actually excited about this one. So of course, I got my period today.

Ego: I want a period option that’s convenient and discreet. So I don’t have to worry about leaks, odors or anything.

Chloe: When I’m at work. I don’t have time to run back and forth to the bathroom. I want to be able to forget all about it.

Female voice: Now you can with pinks period underwear, the super absorbent period panties that can hold up to 12 hours of you know what? You’ll be covered all day long no matter what. And the only person who has to know you’re on your period is you.

Amy: Now my period is my little secret.

[a dog comes in barking and stars playing.]

Oh, a dog. Look at that.

Female voice: Finally, and underwear that’s as natural as you. Pinx period underwear is made of all organic materials and is way more eco friendly than tampons.

Chloe: I love not having to bring a bag of supplies wherever I go.

Ego: I love not having to think about it.

Amy: Now, I get to do me and Pinx does the rest.

[another dog runs in and stars playing]

Mikey: Wow. Dogs really love you.

Amy: I have a cheeseburger in my pocket.

Mikey: What?

Female voice: Eeveryone is different. [now there are so many dogs playing with Amy] Pinx has options for every level of absorbency. Like, regular, super, tremendous, and biblical.

Amy: They’re just a great pair of underwear that can hold everything. I love Sinx. Sorry, Pinx.

Female voice: So no more hiding, no more plastic and no more stress.

[A tiger is staring at Amy]

You should feel beautiful, human, attractive. Now you can walk proud. [All the animals at the zoo are staring at Amy] Have your period the way nature intended, with Pinx.

[the animals are making noise]

Amy: What do you want to do for dinner?

Mikey: I can’t hear you.

Amy: You wanna get dinner?

Mikey: I cannot hear you.

[Now, even the eagles are flying over Amy]

Amy: Oh my god, run.

Male voice: Pinx period underwear. This is the best idea we got.

Jurors

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Hubbard… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with an attorney debating at the courtroom]

Andrew: So with that said, Mr. Hubbard could not have been at the scene of the crime. Your witness.

Judge: Thank you, counsel. Moving on to cross examination, prosecution has the court.

Heidi: So Mr. Hubbard, on the night of your wife’s disappearance, what did you do?

Mr. Hubbard: I called the police.

Heidi: Really? Because records show that you did not. [Jurors making humming noise] And in fact the police didn’t show up until your neighbors call. [Jurors making humming noise] And when the forensic team examined your clothing, they found traces of blood. [Jurors making shocked noise]

Judge: Order. Order in the court. You don’t need any vocal reactions from the jury.

Amy: Oh, us?

Sarah: Us?

Bowen: Oh, so sorry. We just did not expect traces of blood.

Judge: Prosecution, the floor is yours.

Heidi: For the forensic investigation, the victim was found with multiple lacerations to her abdomen. [Jurors making shocked noise]

Judge: Do we need to take a recess?

Bowen: Oh, no, no, it’s just getting good.

Sarah: I’m seriously at the edge of my seat. Like, look at me, I’m shaking. Look at me. I’m shaking.

Amy: Me too. My heart’s beating so fast. My Apple Watch thinks I’m like getting steps.

Judge: Order in the court or I will hold you in contempt.

Amy: Guys?

Bowen: Did you hear that? Contempt.

Amy: Contempt, guys.

Judge: All right, prosecution, please, on to your next line of questioning.

Heidi: Yes, your Honor. Mr. Hubbard, you claim that you were at the office on the 14th but as the defense was saying— Looking at the jury, I’m sorry, what are you guys doing now?

Amy: Oh, we’re posing for the sketch artist.

Bowen: Yeah, could you please justify us.

Mr. Hubbard: I’m up for the death penalty.

Bowen: Oh my god, now the murderer is yelling at us.

Amy: Oh my god. I’m like crazy triggered. Can I just like lie down and look at my phone for a little while?

Judge: Order. Jurors, this is your final warning.

Bowen: Okay, now the judge is trying to silence three women of color.

Heidi: Okay, can we please move on? As I was saying—

Bowen: Oh my god, wait, I’m literally so bored.

Amy: Yeah. Can we just put on music or something?

All: Midnights.

[singing] Midnight, I stay up
I’m Taylor Swift

Judge: That is not a song for midnight. That is a song from Fun.

Heidi: I just need to finish my cross exam. Mr. Hubbard? How do you explain the steak knife that was missing from your set?

Mr. Hubbard: It had been missing since we moved in.

Heidi: Really? Because in a storm drain nearby, detectives found this supposedly missing knife. Bailiff, show the court Exhibit B.

Bailiff: It’s not in here.

Amy: Oh my god, did you need this? [Amy is cutting a steak with the knife] I’m sorry this chicken cacciatore is tough.

Judge: Alright, that is it. Your three are in contempt of court for disorderly conduct.

Amy: Wait, wait. Sorry, but like real quick, who am I? [acts like she’s stabbing someone]

Sarah and Bowen: Oh! Oh! [pointing at Mr. Hubbard] You’re him.

Sarah: Okay. And who am I? [acts dead]

Judge: Oh, you’re the dead wife.

Heidi: Your honor, she’s using the murder weapon to cut up her saucy chicken.

Amy: Okay, relax, because I can barely even cut through this chicken any way. Wait a minute.

Bowen: The lawyer lady is saying he killed her with that knife.

Amy: But the knife isn’t even sharp enough…

Judge: To cut through her chicken cacciatore.

Sarah: Which means…

All: He’s innocent.

Mr. Hubbard: That’s what I’ve been saying.

All: Hurray.

Jets Fans

[Starts with four Jets fans at the game]

Cecily: Kids, watch where you’re running, okay? This is so fun. I am so glad we were able to get this together.

Kenan: Yeah, it is a great day for a game.

Amy: Couldn’t ask for better tailgating weather. It should be a great game.

Andrew: Yeah, the bills are top of the division. They’re pretty good.

Kenan: So is this macaroni salad? Amazing?

Amy: Isn’t it delicious? Laura? What did you have time to make this?

Cecily: No, I just started together last night. It’s nothing.

Amy: Well, if it’s nothing, give me more nothing.

Cecily: Oh-oh, Bills fan coming.

Amy: [rudely] Hey, Bills jersey. Hey, you’re wearing a frigging wrong shirt, you friggin a-hole.

Cecily: You’re like a frigging moron. Yeah, keep walking, a-hole.

Kenan: Moron.

Andrew: Clown.

[a guy walks by wearing Bills jersey]

Amy: Yeah, freaking dead today, moron.

All: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.

Cecily: By the way, did I tell you Henry’s having a tough time at school?

Amy: Really? Oh no. What happened?

Cecily: I guess he’s getting bullied.

Amy: No.

Cecily: Yeah, for his hair cut.

Kenan: Well, that is awful.

Andrew: Yeah. Where do kids even learn this?

Cecily: From the internet? I guess. [screaming at Bills fan] Oh, fat ass Bills fan alert.

Amy: Hey, fatty, maybe do a few jumping jacks before your next meal.

Cecily: Yeah, maybe eat a vegetable next time, you frigging whale.

[Heidi is walking by wearing bills jersey]

Heidi: I’m pregnant.

Amy: Oh, you want a friggin medal? Have a drink slut.

Kenan: Yeah, drink up, you donkey.

Andrew: Yes, it’s on us, donkey.

Cecily: Jets. By the way, I was in CVS yesterday. They already have a Christmas stuff out.

Amy: I know. They take down the Halloween stuff and poof, it’s Christmas.

[police walks in]

Police: Hey, hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

Amy: Sorry. Is there a problem, officer?

Police: There will be if you don’t put that charcoal out before you head into the game?

Kenan: Of course, we’ll put it out.

Police: Well, I would hope so. Because every week— [screaming] Hey! Hey, Bills mafia! You’re in the wrong stadium, your friggin a-hole.

Cecily: Oh, you’re gonna cry to your mommy? Boo-hoo.

Amy: Yeah, keep walking douche bags.

[A bunch of kids pass by. They’re bullying those bunch of kids.]

Kenan: Yeah, I’ll bring the barbecue right through you, you little—

Cecily: Yeah, keep running. Run away.

Police: Yeah, run right into traffic, you freaking douche bags. You folks enjoy the game.

Amy: Thank you, officer. Oh my god, I forgot to tell you. My second grade class is so adorable this year and they’re so excited to learn. [screaming] Hey! Bills flag. Kiss my whole thing.

Cecily: Yes. Suck my sleeve, buddy. Suck it front to back.

[a guy on a wheelchair wearing Bills jersey pass by ignoring them]

Andrew: Oh, you’re gonna go by all slow, huh? You think that scares me? I’m not scared of you, you banzi.

Kenan: Yeah, I’ll put my whole fist on your face, you frigging a-hole.

Cecily: Yeah, keep moving, you hump freaking hump.

Andrew: You know, I am really feeling this White Claw.

Cecily: Right?

Amy: Oh, you know what? Excuse me for a second. Hey. [runs out of the frame]

Male voice: Hey, what the hell are you doing?

[Amy pushes a wheelchair back out and runs back to her friends.]

Amy: So should we start heading in soon?

Andrew: Oh, you know what? There’s only five minutes left in the game.

Cecily: Oh my gosh. Did we miss the whole game again?

Andrew: It looks like it. Yeah.

Amy: So should we just stay out here?

Kenan: I’m having fun. [screaming] Hey! Hey, lady!

Cecily: Hey, suck my sleeve, you dumb cow.

Amy: Suck her whole sleeve.

All: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.

COVID Commercial

[starts with clips of people feeling tired]

Female voice: Are you feeling tired and worn down? Sick of the endless grind at work? Exhausted by your family desperate for some peace and quiet? Then ask your doctor about COVID. By simply getting COVID, you’re guaranteed a five and sometimes even 10 day vacation from all of life’s problems.

Sarah: I needed a break just some time away from everyone. So my doctor suggested I get COVID, and it was the greatest week of my life.

Heidi: All I wanted was just sit on the good part of the couch and watch the Netflix I want to watch. And I was finally able to thanks to COVID.

Michael: At first, I was worried about getting COVID. But my doctor assured me it’s fine now. I’m triple Vaxed, quadruple if you count HPV. So it’s my time to shine.

Female voice: Side effects of COVID include having COVID, which is still kind of bad, but doesn’t it seem different now?

Sarah: I definitely got sick. And I also got paid for 10 days to never leave a blanket. Plus I got a great story. I could tell people at work. [telling her colleagues] It was like I had a bad cold for three days.

Heidi: And of course I had to isolate from my three kids, because I didn’t want to get them sick.

Heidi’s husband: But what do they eat? [Heidi just closes the door in relief]

Heidi: I gave it 14 days to be extra safe.

Female voice: And for an extra fee, we’ll knock out the Wi-Fi near your house so you can’t do any Zooms.

Sarah: Oh, well, too bad.

Female voice: COVID is the perfect way to get out of jury duty, cousin’s wedding, friends improv show, neighbours adult baptism and husband’s murder trial. At this point, COVID is basically a 10 day cruise, which is also a great way to get COVID

Sarah: COVID isn’t for everyone. That’s why there’s also new COVID always positive home test, the only COVID test that comes with two pink lines already drawn on.

Heidi: [looking at the test kit] Again?

Heidi’s husband: But you just had it a week ago. [walking out with kids] Please don’t do this to me. [Heidi shuts the door on him]

Female voice: COVID, because sometimes the only way to get mentally healthy is to get physically sick.

Sarah: And sure, there might be long term memory problems. But that would honestly be amazing because there’s so much I want to forget. [There’s a picture of her participating in Capitol riot]

Michael: My brand’s already really bad. If it gets 10% worse, but I don’t have to talk to a single person for a week, I’ll take that deal and a horse beat.

Female voice: You mean a heartbeat?

Micheal: [chuckles] Either way, thanks, COVID.

Sarah; Thanks COVID.

Heidi: Vanks VOVID.

Sarah: I think I’ll get COVID again, today.

Female voice: COVID. Go ahead. You deserve a break.

Big Penis Therapy

Robin… Amy Schumer

Melissa… Sarah Sherman

Glen… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]

Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.

Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.

Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.

Melissa: Fine, Glen.

Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.

Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.

Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.

Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.

Melissa: That’s one way to put it.

Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.

Glen: Okay, you got me?

Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.

Ego: One more time.

Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?

Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.

Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.

Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?

Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?

Robin: Yeah, I sure do.

Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.

Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.

Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.

Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?

Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.

Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.

Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?

Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.

Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.

Robin: Please don’t say that.

Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.

Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?

Glen: What do you mean?

Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?

Robin: They don’t have to measure.

Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.

Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.

Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.

Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.

Ego: You got him to be vegan too?

Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.

Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.

Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.

Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.

Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.

Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.

Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.

Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.

 

Big Dumb Hat

[Starts with pictures of women enjoying the fall.]

Female voice: Fall. Beauty. Women.

[Cut to Chloe, Amy and Heidi]

All: Hey, girlie.

Amy: Are you like us? A well off woman with perfect makeup and long straight hair?

Heidi: Are you between 20 and 45? And it’s fall outside?

Chloe: Do you want a personality that you can wear on your head?

All: Then you need big dumb hat.

Chloe: This is the hat that makes everyone say, “Oh her!”

Heidi: The hat that makes people think, “Oh, she wearing hat.”

Amy: The hat that says “When I was in high school, I wasn’t mean or nice.”

Heidi: Big.

Amy: Dumb.

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Big dumb hat comes in colors like tan or… that’s it.

Heidi: And the brim is perfect to touch so people see a big dumb engagement ring. [touching the brim] “Oh, this? Yeah, it a biggie.”

Chloe: Am I a cow girl? No girl. But I got hat.

Amy: I’m plant based. Except for my cow boy hat.

Heidi: If you see me wearing this hat at the airport, you know I’m gonna push my way on before my boarding group.

Chloe: Wow, is your hat even bigger than before?

Amy: You tell me. [she’s wearing a hat that’s too big]

Chloe: You can wear big dumb hat anywhere. The beach or a soccer game.

Heidi: If you see this hat in Starbucks, you know it’s gonna be opening.

All: Big dumb hat.

Heidi: Want to hear a secret? I made a baby in this hat.

Chloe: I named my kids Poet, Story, Lyric, Rire and Arcade.

Amy: I post a picture from my wedding every single day.

Chloe:Can you dance in the hat? Well, you wish we didn’t.

[music playing]

[they are dancing]

Heidi: Don’t you hate how we dance?

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Dumb.

Heidi: Big.

Chloe: Big dumb hat is the hat that makes your boyfriend say, “It’s me or the hat.”

Amy: It’s the hat that screams, “Wait, I think I forgot to vote. Did I miss it? Can I still get a sticker?” Hat.

Chloe: Pair it with tiny little cursive tattoo.

Amy: Complicated morning routine and fake gluten allergy.

Heidi: Yellow stone watch party and a wood fire pizza oven. Look at that char.

Chloe: And at the end of the day, you’re gonna have a big old crease on your forehead from the hat.

Heidi: How can a man wear a big dumb hat?

Amy: I think so, but let’s find out.

[Marcello walks in wearing a hat]

Marcello: Hello, ladies. Let’s get vulnerable.

Chloe: No, you gotta go.

Heidi: So get your big dumb hat today. Wait, is your hat even bigger.

[Amy is wearing too big hat]

Amy: Maybe.

All: Big dumb hat.

Chloe: From the makers of dumb little dog.

Amy Schumer Stand-Up Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be back. You’re hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve been so busy. You may have seen my Hulu show “Life and Beth”. And “Inside Amy Schumer” is back on Paramount plus. And I can’t believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. Elections. What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what’s at stake if we don’t vote.

People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? Like the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend. She kept telling me “You got to do prenatal yoga.”It really helps with the birth.” So I immediately signed up for a C section. But no I did. I had a C. It came out the sunroof. And no matter how you give birth, the doctors will tell you. It could be vaginal, C section, they almost never come out of your butthole, but they tell you no matter what, as soon as you get birth the doctors are very serious. They say you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks, not sex. I was like, “Okay. I remember when you just Wolverine my FUPA open? Remember that? How about six years? That’s what I think I’ll be ready. Okay? Remember? His foot got caught in my intestines? When can I get raw dog from behind, please?

But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. We do. Married people, have you found this? We have found that the best week day to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah, we’re like, “We ate today. Maybe we won’t eat tomorrow. That’ll be a good day for us.” My husband’s the best. He always before we have sex, he puts the lights on. You know? And I shut them off. And he puts them on. And he’s like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.” And I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me? So sweet.” Right?

But I’ll be honest, it’s awkward. Having sex with your spouse. It is. Because like, that’s your family. I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters. I can’t go down on you. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake. It’s sick. We can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too. Well, I’m always like, “I’m gonna—” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. I’m always like, “Okay, I am in a coma. Go.”

My husband is diagnosed. He’s on the autism spectrum. He has autism spectrum disorder. It used to be called the Aspergers. But then they found out this is true that Dr. Asperger had like Nazi ties, Kanye. It’s weird. Yes, like crazy. But no, it’s been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. We understand so much more about his behavior. And it’s given him so many tools. Like, now, if somebody is in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. Wnd when people find out that he has autism, like they don’t know much about it. They’re like, “Oh, does he love to count? Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor? He can gather them and count them.” I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I’d like to do that.” He never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. Different love languages. L like, a couple of weeks ago, we’re sitting outside and it was a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain. And I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like—

Even though these past couple years with the pandemic and everything, it’s been so stressful. I said, “Still, this time being with you, being with our son, they’ve been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” Yeah, he’s my guy. It’s one of the times we play the game “Autism or just a man?” Yeah. I don’t know. And I’ll leave you with what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight. I said, “Babe, is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacey is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.