New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro] [cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

Kitchen Staff

Jana… Ariana DeBose

Grady… James Austin Johnson

Miss Samua… Heidi Garner

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Floyd… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Jana and Grady working in the kitchen of a restaurant]

Jana: Man, I cannot believe I’m working on double the night. Ain’t no one in Texarkana spending a New Year’s Eve at Longhorn steakhouse

Grady: I know it sucks. But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be working.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Dana, Grady, what y’all doing back here ler?

Jana: We’re just prepping the salads, Miss Samua.

Miss Samua: Why y’all preppin Salads when I found two empty A-Janas in the dining room ler? This is Longhorn steakhouse. People expect to be dazzled ler.

[Miss Samua walks out]

Jana: I can’t stand Miss Samua. You ever notice how she says ‘ler’ after everything? Like, what the hell is ler?

Grady: I don’t know. But end of day, she is the boss.

[Chef walks in]

Chef: You’re talking about ler?

Grady: Oh yeah.

Jana: You know, I don’t know what you talking about, Rene.

Chef: Oh, nah, nah. I heard you talking about how Miss Samua always says ler. I ain’t never heard ler in my life.

Grady: Guys, guys, guys, come on now. I just want to get through the shift so I can get up early. And take my girls kids to the trampoline place tomorrow end of the.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Rene, where is your apron? It is New Year’s Eve. My ass is on the line ler.

Chef: Ay, Miss Samua. What ler?

Miss Samua: Excuse me?

Chef: Ler. What is ler?

Miss Samua: Rene, I can never understand you. Now, get back ler. To work, ler. Or ya’ll be in big trouble, Jana.

Jana: Hmm! Why she got to single me out? Huh? I can just– Oh! No!

Grady: Chill Jana, chill. You know she ain’t worth it end of the day. End of the day, you can’t let her get to you cause end of the day, that’s what she wants end of the day.

Chef: End of the day, Miss Samua, she was on me by some bow. I just had to walk away end of day.

[Floyd walks in]

Floyd: Y’all talking about ler? Ha-ha-ha. Last week she got on me about how I wasn’t sweeping the parking lot end of the night. End of night, I don’t sweep the parking lot. She said, “Yes, you do.” Like end of day, I don’t know what I’m going to do end of night. End of day but it’s end of night. I know what that do at the end of the day. End of day, I do what I do end of night.

Jana: Floyd, I couldn’t have said it any better end of day. Umm-umm.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Oh, Jana. I have had my limit with you. If you don’t get to working, you will be done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Texas, I will have you transferred to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Arkansas ler.

Jana: Okay. Miss Samua, you done done it now. You and me. Let’s go.

Miss Samua: Oh yeah? I’ll kick your ass.

Chef: Hey! Everybody got their own going on going on. Grady gotta go trampoline place tomorrow. Floyd got to sweep end of night. And Miss Samua say ler. End of day, I ain’t the reddest Mudbug. But we are family. Like my mama say, to people don’t be dead don’t don’t want to be dead dead don’t be dead dead when de way. Peace.

Miss Samua: Jana, I know I ride you hard. But it’s just because I see so much of myself in you lar.

Jana: End of day, Miss Samua, I hate you. Coz I lur you.

Eric Adams Press Conference

Emily Hernandez…Ariana DeBose

Eric Adams… Chris Redd

[Starts with Emily Hernandez speaking on a podium]

Emily Hernandez: Good morning, everyone. I’d like to welcome everyone to City Hall. As you know, it’s been a tough few years for New York but we have a new mayor now. And he hungry. But I will warn you the mayor does not like chaos. If y’all act up, I will come for you, okay? Now please clap for your new mayor, the friskiest uncle at your barbecue, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams.

[Eric Adams walks in]

Eric Adams: Okay. Yeah, I see you New York. Oh, smile everybody. It’s New York. It’s January, baby. [Emily Hernandez and Eric Adams dancing] Ay! Ain’t no contact but she knows I’m there. You know what I’m saying?

Emily Hernandez: Knock yourself, sir.

Eric Adams: I’ll watch you, girl. Go ahead and cut that track. What’s up, New York? It’s your homeboy, your hometown hero, Eric Adams. You feel that? New York is back baby. The city’s never had a mayor with so much swag before. I mean, y’all see me outside. The pea coat, the scarf, the shine of baldy. You can tell I have swagger. It keeps me healthy. See? The city’s been suffering for what I like to call a swagless existence. Y’all had no swag. That’s why you get sick. No offense. Let’s just be real. I haven’t been sick in over 60 years. I’m muscular. I’m vegan. And I get that dang thing every day before breakfast. You can start the day without finishing first, you understand me? I’m just playing, unless you like that. Okay, now let’s get to some questions so we can fix this city. Bishop from New York. Let’s go.

[Cut to press raising their hands to ask questions]

Ah! Ah! Ah! No, I do not do chaos in my city. Okay. I told you all that I was a police officer for over 70 years. If I get startled, I start beating people’s asses. I don’t want to do that.

Emily Hernandez: And excuse me. But this man, he is not Bill DeBlasio.

Eric Adams: No, I ain’t that weak ass.

Emily Hernandez: Now, he will kick your ass.

Eric Adams: Okay, now she’s joking, but she’s from the Bronx. So, is she? Okay, questions. Let’s start with the squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.

Mikey: Me? Okay. Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep schools open despite skyrocketing COVID numbers and outcry from teachers? Does that still make sense?

Eric Adams: Thank you, nut nut. Little squirrel man asked a really good question. Yes, kids need to stay in school. Learn about life. There are too many swagless parents out there giving their kids no swag at home and as a mayor that is so saucy, just dripping in swag goo, it hurts my heart. It’s dangerous to have your kids out there with no swag. Let me tell you a story about a boy I went to school with, little Timmy now. The boy had no swag. Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt, dumbass pants. One day little Timmy walks his dusty ass up to the finest girl in school. Tiffany DoBarton. Whoo! she was fine, you know. Now, little Timmy look to her right in the eye and boom, drop dead, right there, the lack of swagger stop the boy hard. It was so sad. You know what Shakespeare says? “If doth lack of the swagger, woth for art thou, heart shall beat no more” or something like that. Bitch, I’m from New York. Does that answer your question?

Mikey: Not really. No.

Eric Adams: Good. Next question.

Mikey: Oh wait, Mr. Mayor.

Emily Hernandez: No, no, no, no. Excuse me. Let me ask you one more question. No, no, no, no, no. That’s how y’all sound? This ain’t the C train. Okay? We have here. Proceed.

Eric Adams: Alright, then. Miss lady, go ahead.

Heidi: Mr. Mayor, last week you said low skill workers don’t have the skills to sit in an office. Do you really believe that?

Eric Adams: I’m glad you brought that back up, Princess Peach. And congrats on escaping that castle. Look, that quote was taken out of context, obviously. Let me clarify. But unskilled workers, I mean folks with trash jobs, I mean, trash lives– Wait, no. What I mean is if you were better at life, you would have a desk. No. I’m sorry. Y’all miss hearing me and it’s making me misquote myself. Listen, we in a society, okay? And there are kings and there are queens, and then everybody else below that. The dirty people. Is that better for you? Hey, I don’t like the way you making me feel right now? Man, I was a cop for 97 years. You understand me? Show me some respect. Next question. Weird Eminem.

Bowen: Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your brother have to be head of your security detail? Isn’t that nepotism?

Eric Adams: Thank you, cyka cyka Slim Shady. Now, y’all keep asking me about my brother like y’all could kick his ass or something. Listen, I was a cop for over 222 years. I trust my brother. We got a lot of secrets together. Bad too. Plus y’all forget, JFK appointed his brother. Why? Because the man had swagger. I could be your JFK, New York. And I’m out here looking for my Marilyn Monroe. Shout out. But look. But unlike JFK, I’m not gonna get popped in the head. I’m gonna receive some. Okay. That was my staff waving at me saying I should not have made that joke and that’s fair. I do apologize. Unless you like that. Now, I’ll leave you with this, New York. Y’all in good black Boolean hands, alright? And we’re gonna beat this virus together and I believe that. Plus you know what rhymes with cough? Tough. And I mean it doesn’t but it should. And New York is tough as hell. And I dare COVID to run up on me. Please COVID, come to Brooklyn bro! Walk right up to this ass whooping! Okay? I’ll leave the light on for you dog. COVID is welcome anytime in New York. You can print that.

Emily Hernandez: Okay. Well, maybe let’s not welcome the virus. But thank you everyone. Seriously.

Eric Adams: Alright. Well, let’s have a great four years everybody. Bishop from New York, let’s go.

Biden Spider-Man Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with President Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

Male voice: And now a message from President Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: Good evening. Hello, my fellow Americans. As I keep saying every chance I get, we’re in the middle of a cold, dark winter. This winter is so dark Republicans don’t think you should vote. Well, this virus has disrupted our lives, it’s canceled holidays, weddings, quinceaneras, gender reveal parties, wildfires that started as gender reveal parties, whatever the hell is happening with Novak Djokovic. I know you’re tired of getting emails from your kids’ school late at night saying, “Okay, come in tomorrow. We’re feeling lucky.” I know every time a stranger breathes on you, you think, “That’s it, I’m dead.” America, I’m here to tell you. There’s one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away. Stop seeing Spider Man. Just stop seeing Spider-Man. Think about it. When does Spider-Man man come out? December 17. When did every single person get Omachron? The week after December 17. Stop seeing Spider Man. That’s really all I have to say. I yield the remainder of my time for questions. Yes.

Ego: Yes, I’m sorry. Did you really just blame the entire spread of Omicron on people seeing Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I did. Yes. Next question.

Bowen: So, you think all COVID will end if people stopped going to the movies?

Joe Bien: I didn’t say don’t go to the movies. I said stop seeing Spider Man. See anything else? I saw the first half hour of “House a Gucci.” That’s more than enough movie for anyone.

Heidi: Is this theory based on any kind of data?

Joe Biden: Yes. Everyone in America has seen Spider Man like eight times. Everyone in America also has COVID. Stop seeing Spider Man.

Ego: Have you seen Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I couldn’t get tickets. And I’m on a Stub’s A list. Jill and I tried to go last night. They only had one seat left in the front row. What was I supposed to do? Make Jill go see “Encanto” alone while I sit two inches from the screen like this? Stop seeing Spider-Man.

Bowen: Alright, but what about experts who say that the real problem is a lack of testing?

Joe Biden: Oh, they’ve touched a Spider-Man. This got 98% on Au Gratin Potatoes.

Heidi: He meant testing for COVID.

Joe Biden: You want to know if you have COVID? Look at your head. Is it holding a ticket that says you recently went to see Spider-Man? If so, then you have COVID.

Chris: Alright, well then what about the other problems facing America? Like, inflation?

Joe Biden: Spider Man.

Bowen: Okay, then why can’t Democrats pass the Voting Rights bill?

Joe Biden: You think people can focus on voting rights? When Spider Man’s Aunt May is a freaking smoke show?

Ego: Mr. President, isn’t the real reason you can’t pass the Voting Rights Act because members of your own party refuse to get rid of the filibuster?

Joe Biden: It’s true. Spider-Man has his villains. I have Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema. The only difference is when a Spider-Man’s villain saw Kyrsten Sinema, they’d be like, “Hey, honey, that outfits a little much.”

Heidi: And what about the Russian troops that are now surrounding the Ukrainian border pushing us to the brink of World War III?

Joe Biden: I mean, if that doesn’t sound like a job for Spider-Man, I don’t know what is. Okay, I have time for one more question. Yes. The nerd.

Andrew: Mr. President, it sounds like you want people to stop seeing Spider-Man.

Joe Biden: It’s a general idea. Yes.

Andrew: But do you think that elsewhere in the multiverse there’s a version of you that wants people to see Spider-Man?

Joe Biden: Finally a good question. I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I’m consulting with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Strange. As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens. One of them’s me. One of them’s a Joe Biden that lost to Trump. That Biden hosts a show on CNBC called “T-birds, Tacos and Trains.” And then there’s a third Joe Biden, who’s the greatest president in history. My approval ratings are sky high. I’m actually supported by my own party. And I understand the show euphoria.

Ego: I’m sorry. You’re now saying that we’re living in a Spider-Man style multiverse?

Joe Biden: Doesn’t that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is? I mean, seriously? Seriously. Come on! Such a wake up every morning to look at the news and think, “Oh, this can’t be right. This is all crazy.” People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse. To wear a mask in a restaurant for the 10 feet until you sit down. The take it off for the whole meal. Once you gotta go to the bathroom, he got to put it back on the bathroom. Is there COVID in the bathroom? How does any of it make sense?

Heidi: Mr. President, are you okay?

Joe Biden: For the first time, hell yes. It’s like the webs have fallen from my eyes. We can finally see. You are ready.

[smoke appears beside Joe Biden. Then Pete walks out of the smoke.]

Pete: And the time has come. You are ready.

Bowen: Okay, who the hell is that?

Pete: I am Joe Biden from the real universe. The timeline you’re living in is about to collapse. You see, it was created as a joke starting in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Now it spiraled out of control and could explode in a minute.

Joe Biden: Am I the president in this real world?

Pete: Of course not. Did you really think you would lose four times and then finally when when you were 78?

Heidi: What about the rest of us? Are we okay in the real world?

Pete: Everyone on earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson. Your world is may be more fun for him. Now, hurry before the portal closes.

Joe Biden: I’ll come back for all of you I promise. Right, after I pass the Build Back Better bill.

Pete: Dude, even in the real universe, that thing’s not passing.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ariana DeBose Monologue

Ariana DeBose

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

[Ariana DeBose walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ariana DeBose: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so honored to be here tonight. Wow. 2020 has already been an exciting year. I am I am hosting SNL and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in “West Side Story”. Now, not many people know this, but West Side Story is actually based on another classic tale of star cross lovers, 90 day fiancé. But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community as an Afro Latina, but also the Broadway community. Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years, last past anyways. But we are a community that perseveres. I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine. And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together. And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now. Maybe, maybe a little something for West Side Story?

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Did I hear sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon?

Ariana DeBose: Ah, no, but Hi Kate.

Kate: I’m sorry. It’s my favorite show. I’d loved it since elementary school.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, well did you like the movie?

Kate: I didn’t see it. I don’t leave the house because of COVID and also because I don’t leave the house.

Ariana DeBose: Well, in that case, why don’t we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Kate: No, no, I don’t even know if I even remember the songs. Tonight In a flat. Thanks.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Tonight, tonight
it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Kate: [singing] Tonight, tonight,
there’s only you tonight
what you want, what you do, what you say

Ariana DeBose: That’s pretty good, Kate.

Kate: I’ve been on Broadway.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, you have?

Kate: Yeah, like, the sidewalk.

Ariana DeBose: [singing] I feel pretty, all so pretty
I feel gritty and witty and gay
I pity any girl who isn’t me today

Kate: [singing] See the pretty girl in that mirror there
who can that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
such a pretty smile

Ariana DeBose: Such a pretty me

I love that song. I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Kate: Yeah, which is crazy because like an hour ago we were both in sweatpants spooning our 13 year old cats.

Ariana DeBose: Yeah, well, I wasn’t doing that but that’s okay.

Kate: Yeah, me neither.

Ariana DeBose: Well, Mumbo.

[music playing. Ariana DeBose is dancing]

Your turn!

Kate: Oh, no. They know I dance.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Could be

Kate: Who knows?

Ariana DeBose: There’s something new anyday
I will know right away
soon as it shows

Both: It may come cannonballing down the
gleam in its ey bright as rose

Ariana DeBose: I like to e in America
okay, by me in America
everything free in America
for a small flee in America

Kate: Finale.

Both: Today, the minutes seem like hours
the hours go so slowly
and still the sky is light
oh moon, go bright
and make this endless day
endless night, tonight.

Ariana DeBose: Whoa! We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

All On Me

Lil T… Chris Redd

Mac… Kenan Thompson

Freddie Gibbs

Ariana DeBose

Lil T: [rapping] Lil’ T on the track, baby
Just got signed, so we rich now, ha
Whole crew gon’ eat, my girl Boo-Boo
My boy Mac wit’ me, yeah
We in the club, actin’ up, let’s go

Came through the kitchen on a Tuesday
Straight to the booth for my crew, ’bout to do things
Pop bottles, new money, at my old ways
Penny for your thoughts, I got a milli’ for the whole thing
Party’s around me, just drink and don’t speak (But they fine tho)
Shrimp tower, what’s that? We don’t eat
Give ’em tips with change we don’t need
Don’t worry ’bout a thing ’cause it’s all on me

Lil’ T winnin’, now it’s all on me
Get what you want, it’s all on me
Wear shades ’cause my shinе is all you’ll see
Black card to black card, it’s all on me
Run the check-up ‘causе it’s all on me
What’s that? ‘Cause it’s all on me
Waitress: The check, sir.

Lil T: ‘Cause it’s all on me
Oh, cool.

cause it’s all on m—

[1 looks at the check. It’s over $44,000. He’s shocked] Oh, my God!

Ariana: Baby? Baby, what’s wrong?

Lil T: Uh, hmm? Oh, nothin’ boo, heh, Don’t worry ’bout it.
Hey Mac, hm, tell ’em how you livin’, bruh.

Mac: T give me that dough, and I’m wildin’ (No doubt)
Got the whole crew drippin in diamonds (Ayy)
Diamonds on my chain, (Ayy) ten diamond rings (Ten?)
Diamonds on my grill, (Okay) diamonds for my girl (Wait)
Benz for my girl, (Mac!) house for my girl (Hey, Mac!)
Benz for my house, (No!) house for my Benz (What?)
Benz for my moms, (No!) Benz for my kids (They babies!)
Big words what I said, cause it’s all on him

Lil T: R-run that check up, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Some is on me, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Or us though, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Who ordered this shrimp? (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Nobody eatin’ it! (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
That ain’t good, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Ariana: You can tell by the way he throw it all around [1 is collecting the money he threw before]
He got money in the bank
 (It’s all on T!)

Freddie Gibbs: Okay, Lil’ T, you up in the big leagues
See you spendin’ big G’s like your boy Freddie G
Young’uns making money is something I like to see
Send him one big bottle of Ace, it’s on me

Lil T: Damn, Freddie Gibbs, you doin’ it like that?

Mac: You know the club code, gotta send something back!

Lil T: I already know, yo, send something dope!
Enjoy Freddie Gibbs!

Freddie Gibbs: What’s this, diet coke? The f**k?
Boy, I should whoop your ass for bringing this ***damn Coke, boy!
Old dude’s just being cheap!
Shots for everybody and they all on T!

Lil T: No!

Freddie Gibbs: Run the check up (‘Cause it’s all on T!)
He got it! No, it’s not! (Yeah, it’s all on T!)

Lil T: No, Freddie Gibbs doesn’t represent me, though
Ariana: Now, hold up, baby, lemme get em!
Crystal poppin’ in the VIP
I got my own money, but he spendin’ on me
Get ten more bottles! (Let’s start with one!)
Five Dom Perignons! (Let’s start with none!)
And all you ho’s in the club, look but don’t touch
Gotta go through me first, now eat your box lunch
Throw that money up, whole spot going crazy! (Word!)
Cause I’m having Lil’ T’s baby!

Lil T: You’re pregnant? (It’s all on T!)
That’s why you’re not drinkin’? (It’s all on T!)
I thought there was like, a holy reason! (It’s all on T!)
I’m so stressed, (It’s all on T!)
I’m not financially prepared to be a father.

Mac: Hey, let’s close this out right, T.

Lil T: Ahh, everybody put your hands in the sky
Now drop ’em low to the floor
Now pull your credit card out
And pass it to me, bro!
Oh, who got a Venmo? Send me a Venmo!
Who got a Venmo? I need like ten mo’
(Ow-ow, bah, ow-ow) ‘Cause, it’s all on me!

[paying the bill] Hey, can you go and split these up evenly between all these? Thank you very much, it’s very important (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Men’s Room

Bowen Yang

Chris Redd

Frankie… Kieran Culkin

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Bowen speaking on the phone in men’s room]

Bowen: Yeah, works fine. My coworkers better though. Hey, I gotta go. I just walked into the bathroom. I don’t know why I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Oh, there he is.

Bowen: Hey. We gotta stop meeting like this.

Chris: I say, man. Third time this week. What is this? Your new office?

Bowen: Oh, you know what I always say, boss man does the boss man does.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: I’ve never said that in my life. Why am I saying that? I’m not the boss. So, why did I laugh? Why did he laugh? Why are we not ourselves when we’re in the men’s room? Everyone just panics and blurt something out.

[lights turn on] [Bowen flushes]

Bowen: Well, I’m empty. See you later my guy.

Chris: Keep on trucking, my dude.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Oh, love to party in here.

Chris: Ay, Frankie in the building. What’s up?

Frankie: Yeah, baby. Got any fun plans this weekend?

Chris: Oh, a couple days away from you. I’ll take it. Ha-ha-ha.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: That was mean as hell. I really like that guy, man. And why am I talking so loud? In the men’s room my voice gets weird and I shout things like football is crazy.

[only Frankie is speaking]

Frankie to himself: My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the urinal right next to him? Our arm’s skin is touching.

[lights turn on]

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Alright, man. See you on ice.

Frankie: Well, you too.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: See you on ice? We work at a pension fund. Is that even an expression? I don’t know who I am in here.

Bowen to himself: I’ve been standing here for so long. None of the automatic sinks work. My hands are covered in soap.

Frankie to himself: I’m standing at a urinal but I only came in here to avoid working. Now, I feel like I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee. Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in there to fake it.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Hey, sounds like your streams coming along really well over there.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: Why am I commenting on his pee and calling it a stream?

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, what’s up my dudes?

All: Hey!

Andrew: So, anyone got big plans for the summertime?

Bowen: Not yet.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Andrew to himself: Why would they? It’s November. We’re months away from the summertime.

[lights turn on]

Andrew: New guy. Did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: I’m sorry. Who? Me?

Andrew: Yeah.

Bowen: Sorry. what did you say?

Andrew: I just asked you if you did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: Oh, yeah, sure. Umm… Umm…

Bowen to himself: I’m taking way too long to answer. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything today. So, yeah.

Andrew: What’s up?

Bowen: Nothing sorry. Anyway, these sinks working for you?

Chris: No! But football is crazy.

Bowen: Crazy.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber party in here? Zagging your chains guys. And you see the new receptionist. She’s got legs for days.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Alex to himself: I killed a man in 2012. I didn’t even do a good job hiding the body but I still got away with it. Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry is worse than any cell. But in here, I forget who I am and what I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Alex: Don’t you guys love it in here?

[Tracy walks out of toilet cabin]

Tracy: Trust me, no one go in there. I had some pork meat last night and I dropped a bomb. [looks at Alex] And this dude killed my brother.

Weekend Update- A Proud Gay Oompa Loompa on Timothée Chalamet

Colin Jost

Oompa Loompa… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka. Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

[Oompa Loompa slides in]

Oompa Loompa: Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?

Colin Jost: As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.

Oompa Loompa: Oh my god.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?

Oompa Loompa: No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television. But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad. I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike. But now, I guess I gotta… call my parents.

Colin Jost: No.

Oompa Loompa: But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?

Colin Jost: It’s live.

Oompa Loompa: It’s live? Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper. Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious. What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions in this factory– Oh, boy.  [gets upset]

Colin Jost: Are you okay?

Oompa Loompa: I just don’t want my family to find out like this.

Colin Jost: You think they’ll be upset?

Oompa Loompa: They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here. They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.

Colin Jost: Well, we can stop if you want.

Oompa Loompa: No, I got it. I got it. This Twink Wonka or Twonka may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he– Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor because now I can be honest about everything. Okay, point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate. Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine. He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like, “Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?” And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?” Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance we do when a child dies. The whole thing is sick.

Colin Jost: Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.

Oompa Loompa: Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe? What about this makes me seem gay to you?

Colin Jost: It’s just… there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.

Oompa Loompa: Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with your’s? Pot head. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch. But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe, now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, no, no, I’m not gay.

Oompa Loompa: I’m sorry, boys, I tried.

Colin Jost: A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.

Oompa Loompa: I’m in the union.