Category: 2022

Jackie Clancy

Jeyner Keeblerely… Kenan Thompson

Clancy T. Bacharach… Will Forte

Jackie Snad… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Jeyner Keeblerely in a barn]

Jeyner Keeblerely: Hi. I’m legendary country music hit maker Jeyner Keeblerely. And I’m here to give you the best news since last bread was recognized for insignificance. Two of the greatest songsmith in the history of time are back and at it again. That’s right. I’m talking about Clancy T. Bacharach who proved there is a Yahweh with songs like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach: [singing] Took my toddler at the school
and threw him in the pool
and that’s how we learn to swim
and then a spaceship flew down
and loaned us a towel
and we dried off our soaking bodies

As a show off our gratitude
I gave the aliens a beer jar and food
and a Model T card they belong to my step brother’s life coach

Jeyner Keeblerely: And the woman who put the oo-oo in boot scoot, Jackie Snad.

[Cut to Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] Took my model-T car to the nearest salad bar
’cause I craved some kale and their kale was on sale
but the salad bar was closed because the space ship exploded
so I drank a jar of beer with a toddler

Jeyner Keeblerely: For years now, these two funky junkie joker monkeys thrilled global audiences with songs about the four things they know best. Spaceships, toddlers, model-T cars and jars of beer. And after a 12 years sabbatical, these two national treasures have decided to once again join forces. I’m sorry. Foin Jorces. No, I was right the first time. They decided to join forces and release a brand spanking new album Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad sing songs about spaceships, toddlers, Model-T cars and jars a beer again, with air caviar like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh, toddler did you hear
when I whispered in your ear
about the spaceship that was parked in your yard

Next to a Model-T car and some beer in a jar
but without any gas they couldn’t get too far
so they hitchhiked down the road with a turkey and a toad
and a face full of hope and regret
but then a truck passed by and he ran over those guys
and now the turkey is dead and the toad’s on life support

Jeyner Keeblerely: Oh man. It gives you the shivers, doesn’t it? And an important message sung importantly. You want less? Sorry. Because while there’s more than one way to skin a cat, there’s only one way to put that skin back on. With beautiful music like this little slow jelly.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] The eyes of God are crying [wailing]
’cause the toddlers have been lying [wailing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: Oh yes, those little sons of guns have stolen from nuns
who trusted them to guard their model-T cars
and now they’ll meet the wrath of God and burn and toddler hell
unless they call their friends, the aliens to send a ship down
But God will find them there, he’s everywhere, he’s well connected
and then he’ll zapp them with a lightning bolt
and burn them to a crisp and drink a jar of beer
to celebrate the deaths, it’s a cautionary tale
for little naughty toddlers who disrespect nuns,
for they will find themselves
in… toddler hell

[music changes]

toddler hell
toddler hell
toddler hell

Jeyner Keeblerely: Man, oh, man. That song gave me all the feels. Minus a few feels. Plus more feels than a few feels that were subtracted. And if that wasn’t enough eargasm already, check out this reworking of one of their timeless classics which was recently submitted by NASA and Chef Bobby Flay to be the new official song of the National Football League.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh football for your feet and balls combine to make your name
and your field is soaked in urine from incontinent spaceship whoo-hoo
and one day, a toddler will distract you as you hike your little leather ball
and a model-T car will catch a hail Mary from a beer jar
and win the Super Bowl
Oh, football sport, 
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Here is your official new football song

[wailing]

Jeyner Keeblerely: That’s right. So, to order, send cash wrapped in napkins to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad album offer, care of

Jeyner Keeblerely
36 Donkey Donut Court
Pickletits, Delaware, 938273

Ingraham Angle Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Novak Djokovic… Pete Davidson

Candace Owens… Ego Nwodim

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with ‘The Ingraham Angle’ intro]

[cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening. I’m Laura Ingraham. And as soon as I marry your dad, I’m sending you straight to boarding school. Well, we’re finally done with year one of Biden’s presidency. And can we all admit it’s a disaster? Inflation’s out of control. Gas is at $19 a gallon. And the green m&m has been canceled just from being a whore. Things are so bad in Biden’s America, even according to former Wendy’s books girl Jen socket. Take a look at what she said at a press conference this week.

[Cut to the video clip of media person asking question to Jen Psaki]

Media person: Build Back Better has not passed. Voting rights apparently not going to pass. And vaccine requirements are apparently illegal. What happened?

[Cut to a video made by joining many clips of Jen Psaki speaking different words to make them sentences]

Jen Psaki: We are not good people. The American public should vote us out.

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: First true thing she’s ever said. Plus, the nation is still mourning from the sudden loss of America’s dad, Robert Durst. The country is on its last legs folks. Liberals want to take away everything that makes you American. For example, guns, hamburgers, Morgan Wallen. I don’t care if you use as a slur, I just want to dance. Your backup guns. Commercial where the whole family is the same thing. Using the word mayonnaise. It’s aioli all of a sudden? No thanks, Linman Will. And finally, missionary. My first guest tonight is here to talk about how he’s pushing back against Biden’s tyranny. You know him, you know him. Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Hello, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: Beard still going strong, huh Ted?

Ted Cruz: Oh, yeah. My beard is like January 6. Shocking at first, but sadly it’s been normalized.

Laura Ingraham: Speaking of January 6, now, you recently had to apologize for calling the Capitol rioters terrorists.

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I agree with you. 100%. I never should have called them terrorists. The truth is they are big burly men with big D energy. I like them a lot. I mean, they’re my cool friends. And Donald, if you’re watching, I love your baby. You are the king, honestly. Hit me.

Laura Ingraham: Did you just asked Trump to hit you?

Ted Cruz:  Oh, I don’t know. Hit me, choke me, spit in my face. I just want to stay in the mix.

Laura Ingraham: Thanks for being here, Ted.

Ted Cruz: Oh, and one more thing. I’d like to remind all my fellow Texans watching at home that February is gonna be a cold one. So you might want to book your vacated Cancún now. Live moss everybody.

Laura Ingraham: That’s great advice, Ted. I’d like to take a moment to thank my few remaining loyal sponsors. COVID NEGS. The COVID test is guaranteed to be negative even if you have it. COVID NEGS, I’m gone to your wedding. And False Alarm Medical Alert. If your grandkids think it’s the end, they’ll call. And white pizza for an Italian who’s too ethnic. Our next guest is the latest victim of the vaccine police with a name I somehow had an easier time learning to pronounce them Kamala Harris. Please welcome Novak Djokovic.

Novak Djokovic: Yeah. Thank you. Call me by my nickname, The Joker. Although right now I’m the least popular Joker except for Jared Leto.

Laura Ingraham: I found him relatable. So, Novak, you were deported from Australia for refusing to be vaccinated. And I never thought I would hear myself use the word deported in a bad way. What happened?

Novak Djokovic: I went to Australia. My visa was denied. But then I appealed to the judge and this was his ruling.

[Cut to an animated video of a tennis ball court]

Sound: Out.

Laura Ingraham: I must say, I am a fan of your sport because in tennis, love is bad. Now, why don’t you tell your side of the story while I stare into the camera like it’s a raw piece of steak.

Novak Djokovic: Thank you, Laura. You see, people love to tear you off your pedestal, you know, just because you’re really rich or you’re the best at tennis or you go to a charity event with 230 kids even though you’re dripping with COVID. But in my heart I know that one day people will look back on this moment in history and think “Who cares?”

Laura Ingraham: Thank you, Novak. See you at Wimbledon.

Novak Djokovic: Probably not.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. My next guest is here to address the Voting Rights bill which would make it easier for minorities to vote and harder for white people in Florida the vote twice. Please welcome my one black friend Candace Owens.

Candace Owens: Martin Luther King would have voted for Trump.

Laura Ingraham: Hello to you too.

Candace Owens: Laura, liberals tried to make everything about race. To quote the only words that Martin Luther King ever said, “I have a dream.” That’s it. End of quote. Nothing about money or jobs or schools unless you count his tombstone, which says, “Great job gang, racism over.”

Laura Ingraham: I hope people at home are writing this down.

Candace Owens: Thanks, Laura. Now it’s my greatest honor to continue to fight for African Americans, no matter how many times they asked me to stop.

Laura Ingraham: Thank you. Thank you, Candace. Now, I’d like to thank a few more of my loyal sponsors. Bible belts. Hold your pants up the way God intended with Bible Belts. Flower Poison, ever see a big garden full of flowers and think I wish they were dead? Flower Poison. And Paula Deen’s Chickpea Mash. It’s not radical Islamic hummus. It’s American chicken. Talk at the 2024 Republican primaries already heating up. So let’s talk to the svelte muscular  pound gorilla in the room, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Hello, Laura. It’s wonderful to be here. I’m back just like Tiger King 2. You have fun the first time and now you’re like, “How are more people from this not in jail yet?”

Laura Ingraham: Now, Mr. President, you’re out on the trail again, creating controversy with your typical wacko stuff and uncharacteristically reasonable takes on booster shots. Would you like to give our viewers a taste?

Donald Trump: I sure would. Let’s get today’s wordle. Could we do that please? I got a booster, okay, because I made the booster. I made the beautiful vaccine. It’s an incredible vaccine. But it’s very unfair what’s happening with the COVID treatment, okay. White people are being told to get back of line. They’re being told back of line. Speaking of white people, John Mayer. John Mayer, he hasn’t had a hit in so long but we love Mayer so much. Body Wonderland. I mean, come on. It was tremendous music. I thought it was tremendous music with Body Wonderland. You know, I’d rather be Mayer of anything than be Governor Ron DeSantis. I’d beat him so bad if he went against me just like I beat Hillary okay. Because the only Hillary we like is Duff from How I Met Your Father. How I Me Your father, you know it doesn’t have the charm and sparkle of frankly mother. But we love Duff, okay. We love duff.  You know, she got her teeth fixed. Now they look like Jordan almonds. Lizzie McGuire, you know, they wanted to do a Lizzie McGuire with Hulu and Disney said “No sex.” They didn’t want the sex. So, they went their separate ways just like Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa. Let me tell you, Momoa is a very big boy. He is so big. He looks like a sexy devil. The Devil Wears Prada and Prada is right next to Tiffany’s. Tiffany is my daughter. Daughters is by John Mayer. And I’m gonna run through the host of your high schooler 2024 when you reelect Trump. Wordle.

Laura Ingraham: There it is. You got it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

Cinema Classics Gaslight

Reese De’What… Kenan Thomspon

Ingrid Bergman… Kate McKinnon

Charles Boyer… Will Forte

Angela Lansbury… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. Hi, I’m Reese De’What. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘gaslighting’, you probably know it means to manipulate someone into believing a false reality. But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband makes her believe she’s going insane by slowly dimming the gas fueled lights around her and then denying it. Why does he do this? I do not know. And I’m bad at guessing. When my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner, and I said, “I don’t know, a mess?” Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers. Let’s watch a scene from “Gaslight” now where Charles Boyer as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she’s insane.

[Cut to clip from the movie. Ingrid is playing Paula and Charles is playing her husband Gregory.]

Gregory: Paula, I’ve tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret. But now I’m afraid all of London knows it.

Paula: Gregory, no. I’m not insane. Look, every night the gas lights, they go dimmer.

Gregory: No they don’t.

Paula: They don’t? Well, look. It’s just a tiny flame.

Gregory: Oh, my cuckoo darling. In the week and a half you’ve known me, have I ever lied to you?

Paula: I guess not. But human me. Turn the gas lights up as high as they’ll go. Please, for me.

Gregory: Alright. All the way up. [turns the light off] There you go.

Paula: And that was up? ‘Cause to me that seemed like not up.

Gregory: And I hope you’re happy, our gas bill is going to be insane. Just like your brain. And I’m afraid it’s membranous as well.

Paula: Oh no. I don’t know up from down. The next thing you’ll tell me is that this isn’t a book.

Gregory: No, Paula. That’s a rat.

Paula: It is? I’ve been reading rats all these years? Oh no, am I really that mad? I set a goal for myself a reading a rat a month.

Gregory: Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy I gave you.

[Gregory gives Paula a rock.]

Paula: Okay.

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Yikes! You know, in my house gaslighting is when I strike a match after my wife blast went out under the blankets. Let’s watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion with the help of a surly maid, played by a Reese De’What8 year old Angela Lansbury.

[Cut to Paula and Gregory dining him their home. Angela Lansbury is playing the maid.]

Gregory: Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula: Paula, please stop. Now, just try to enjoy your steak.

Maid: That’s right, mum. Eat your little steak.

[Maid gives Paula a pineapple]

Paula: Dude, I don’t care how crazy I am. This is a pineapple.

Maid: No, mum. It’s the rib, just like the one he’s eating. Dig in.

Paula: Okay, I feel like maybe you’re like, trying to drive me mad.

Gregory: No one is trying to drive you mad. What do you want me to do? [pulls out a book] Swear on this Bible?

Paula: Okay, so now– Okay, so this says “How to gaslight your wife by Gregory”. [That’s the title of that book]

Gregory: Paula, stop. I love you.

Paula: Well, I don’t feel love. You don’t even kiss me anymore.

Gregory: Then kiss you I shall.

[Gregory stands and goes up to Maid and kisses her]

Paula: Okay, yeah, appreciate you kiss her, the Reese De’What8 year old.

Gregory: No, I kissed you. Watch, I’ll do it again.

Paula: No, no. I won’t let you gaslight me any longer. In fact, maybe I’ll gaslight you. That shiny tie you’re wearing, it’s a steak. Ha-ha.

Gregory: It’s a tie.

Paula: Oh, dammit. I guess I’m better at it. Well, at least I know the truth now. I can’t believe you told me it was nine inches and I said oh lucky me.

Gregory: It is!

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Wow. So now we know what gaslighting is. Kinda like when my wife– What? She’s on the phone? Right now? Oh, that’s not good. For Cinema Classics. I have been Reese De’What?

Weekend Update Robert Durst Dies New Maya Angelou Quarter

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Robert Durst at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir who murdered his friend and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. [picture changes to three children of Donald J. Trump]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a coin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The late Maya Angelou has become the first black woman featured on the quarter, which is not what black people mean when we demand change.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a phone at left top of the corner.]

Colin Jost: Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor.

[Picture changes to Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Domino’s chicken wings at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, royal duties. Domino’s is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals and I really wish I’d known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe. Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a bar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering on site COVID tests for customers. They plan to use a much less invasive technique where they sort of just grind around the outside.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taco Bell– This is a terrible transition. Oh god. Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco every day for $Colin Jost0 a month. Which kind of sounds like an insult in a rap battle. This bitch so fast he got a subscription to tacos.

Weekend Update Elmo and Rocco

Michael Che

Elmo… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Elmo was trending last week after clips of his feud with a pet rock named Rocco went viral. Here to comment is Elmo.

[Elmo slides in]

Elmo: Hey. Hi, everybody’s. Hello, Michael. [singing] La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, SNL, yeah!

Michael Che: Well, thank you for being here, Elmo.

Elmo: Oh, of course. SNL is my favorite. Maybe one day Elmo can host?

Michael Che: Maybe. Yeah. Now, Elmo, everybody has been talking about your beef with your friends Zoe’s pet rock, Rocco. You know, there’s all these clips of you going on crazy, unhinged rants about how Rocco’s not real.

Elmo: Okay, okay. Look. Elmo admit Elmo overreacting. And Elmo has already apologized in a long Instagram post. Elmo really can move on.

Michael Che: Well, that’s great to hear Elmo, because we were actually about to bring out a surprise guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Rocco.

[Someone bring in the Rocco (a small rock placed on a chair) on the Weekend Update table]

Elmo: What? Why does Rocco get a chair?

Michael Che: Because Rocco’s our guest, Elmo.

Elmo: Rocco? Rocco doesn’t need a chair. Rocco doesn’t even have legs. Rocco’s a rock. What is Rocco doing here?

Michael Che: Well, he was in the building getting the COVID test.

Elmo: What? How? How is Rocco getting a COVID test? Tell Elmo. Rocco doesn’t even have a nose. Rocco doesn’t even have a respiratory system.

Michael Che: Ay, look. SNL requires all visitors to get tested.

Elmo: Why is Rocco visiting SNL?

Michael Che: Oh, we wanted him to get a feel of the place before he hosts next month.

Elmo: What?

[An Instagram post of SNL appears where it’s written “FEB 19, Rocco, Rocco”.]

Michael Che: Oh, you see? Yes.

Elmo: Rocco is host and musical guest? [yelling] How?

Michael Che: [pulls Rocco near] Hold on. What’s that Rocco? [giggling] Yeah. That’s kind of true. Elmo do be doing that.

Elmo: Don’t gaslight Elmo. Come on, Mike. Elmo feel that Elmo going insane here.

Michael Che: You know, I really like this dude, man. Here, man. Have a cookie. [Michael Che puts a cooking on the small chair or Rocco]

Elmo: Can Elmo have a cookie?

Michael Che: Nah, I’m sorry man. That’s my last one.

Elmo: The last cookie? [starts shivering] The last cookie! It’s happening again. [shouting] Ah! Okay. That’s it! Paper covers rock. Prepare to die Rocco! [puts a paper on the rock and pushes it away]

Michael Che: Oh! Come on, man! Rocco’s family is here. [Cut to few rocks placed on audience seat]

Elmo: Elmo give up. I’m sorry.

Michael Che: Rocco, everybody.

Elmo: Rocco? But Elmo was the one who was your guest.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Bidens Agenda Stalls

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, just like everybody else, President Biden’s New Year’s resolutions fell apart in the third week of January. The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine mandate, the Voting Rights bill got blocked and his approval rating is so low, it’s gone into power save mode. But I will point out there was another president who had a disastrous start to his first term. Yet he became an inspiration to generations of Republicans even to this day. I’m talking of course about Jefferson Davis. President of the Confederacy. And there are still statues of him and 10 different states, which come to think of it probably explains why the Voting Rights stuff isn’t working out. The bottom line is I think Biden just needs more time. He might be more of an acquired taste. Unfortunately, most Americans recently lost their sense of taste. [picture changes to covid rate chart]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta where he called on the Senate to pass two voting rights bill saying, “I am tired of being quiet.” And the prove it, he took a 20 minutes standing nap.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell seen here losing the battle with his breakfast burrito, criticized President Biden speech on voting rights calling it beneath his office. Coincidentally, beneath his office it’s also where McConnell buries the homeless men he hunts for sport.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of republican elephant logo at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized for blocking the Voting Rights bill but of course Republicans don’t want voting rights because if voting was fair, they’d lose. It’s the same reason I keep my basketball hoop lowered to eight feet. Because with the help of a small ladder, I can dunk. But if there’s any silver lining to voter suppression, it’s that we’ll never have to hear Republicans try to appeal to black voters. Because no one wants to hear Ted Cruz say “Fo Shizzel”. Frankly, no one wants to hear me say it either. But it’s too late. It’s already a GIF.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rose at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Leader of the Oathkeepers Stewart Rhodes has been arrested and charged with seditious conspiracy in connection with the January 6 attack. But I don’t know. He looks pretty remorseful. Hopefully he can patch things up. That wasn’t an eye joke. I was being genuine. Rhodes is being accused of messaging his right wing group with instructions on how to use force to attack the Capitol. Authorities knew that messages were from Rhodes because they all began with [like pirates] “Arr Mete”. That’s not what that was. That wasn’t an eye joke at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Fauci and Roger Marshall at left top corner.

Colin Jost: It wasn’t an eye joke.

Michael Che: No, it wasn’t an eye joke.

Colin Jost: During a Senate committee hearing, Dr. Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron. Replied Marshall, “Hey, what’s that word mean?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis said this week that getting vaccinated against COVID is a moral obligation. Especially since priests work so closely with kids. That wasn’t an eye joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Delta Airlines said that this winter’s COVID surge cost them more than $400 million in canceled flights after 8000 employees caught Coronavirus. Which would never happen to Spirit Airlines employees because when you fly Spirit, they keep the windows open.

Winter Formal

Donna… Sarah Sherman

Ron… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Ron And Donna’s Lacatza’s Formal Emporium commercial]

Donna: Oh-oh, there’s a nip in the air and everything’s dead. You know what that means?

Ron: It’s time for the most important day of your daughter’s life, her high school winter formal.

Donna: And if you want her to have an amazing time, call us Ron and Donna’s Lacatza. Our formal Emporium is your one stop shop for all your daughter’s school dance needs.

Ron: We’ve got corsages fresh from our garden.

Donna: We’ve got dresses that are as pretty as she is, depending on the girl.

Ron: And if you’re worried about your daughter having sex after the dance, don’t be. We have the perfect solution.

Donna: She can take our Shawn Donovan. Because Donovan…

Donna and Ron: Wouldn’t know where to start.

Shawn: Aw, come on.

Donna: We’ll also provide her with a photographer who will take gorgeous photos.

Ron: And a limousine that we made out of two gorgeous Toyota Corollas.

Donna: And we our sweaty Shawn, your daughter is guaranteed to remain un-penetrated.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a La-Costa promise.

Shawn: Um, maybe one day.

Ron: He’s not gonna try anything. The dude gets nervous shaking his grandma’s hand.

Donna: And he’s a lazy wiper. You can smell it.

Ron: And if you’re worried about what might go on at the after party, don’t be. Donovan’s got you covered. He medically can’t stay up past Donna0PM.

Shawn: When I get tired, I freak out.

Donna: Yum! Donovan’s just one of those kids who’s got one huge computer and two ugly friends.

Shawn: Shout out Scotty and Gavin.

Ron: Enough about off putting baby boy. Let’s talk to some satisfied customers.

Heidi: I rented a dress and I got a compliment from Jason Brzezinski.

Melissa: I rented a limo and me and my friends felt like rockstars.

Ariana: I rented Donovan and on the way there, he sat up front with the driver. And he had crowns on his lips the whole night.

Ron: Yes, you see, our boy’s always got something on his lips.

Donna: Gary, Gary, zoom in on those lip.

Ron: Yeah, yeah, zoom in. [camera zooms in to Donovan’s lips] Oh! That white stuff. What is it? Is it cream cheese?

Shawn: No. Let’s just say my mouth is like this.

Donna: Who’s giving you Cream cheese, huh? I’m sorry, sweetheart. Were you still going on about some over there?

Ariana: Oh, um, yeah. Well, he didn’t dance the whole night and then he went nuts to get low.

[Starts shouting and dancing]

Shawn: To the sweat drop down in my balls!

Sorry.

Ariana: And then he got too hot and changed into like, a Los Pollos Hermanos t-shirt. Like, what even is that?

Shawn: I told you a million times. It’s the restaurant from Breaking Bad.

Ron: And if you’re somehow you’re still not convinced that our son is some secret Casanova, may we direct your attention to his clinical swamp ass.

[Shawn’s pants are wet]

Shawn: Oh, no. Don’t spin me around.

Donna: Gary, zoom in to his wet little ass.

Ron: Yeah, zoom in, Gary. Look at his ass.

Donna: Gary, zoom.

Ron: It’s so soupy.

Donna: It’s wet, Gary.

Ron: It’s so soupy. We don’t mean to embarrass you, Donovan, but it looks like you pissed yourself from the back.

Donna: How did he end up like this?

Ron: Well, parenting is so hard.

Donna: And I drank while I was pregnant.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a Lacatza promise.

Shawn: What is? w

[music starts playing]

Ron: Oh my god. That’s my boy’s song.

Shawn: Ay, I love this song.

Donna: So, stop by today. We do not have a website and we barely have a phone

Urkel Reboot

[Starts with video clips from the trailer]

Male voice: This week Peacocke dropped the trailer for Bel Air. Executive producer Will Smith’s modern dramatic reimagining of the Fresh Prince story.

Smith: This time we’re trying to make you forget where you came from.

Male voice: Now, we’re proud to debut the trailer for the next 90’s show about the black experience to be given a serious high stakes remake.

Urkel: Chicago. People from outside call it Chiraqu. But I call it home. Around here, ain’t no good news in the newspapers page. Only advantage I got, my mind. That don’t count for much nice streets. Because out here, you gotta make your own name.

Male voice: From executive Producers Jaleel White and  Kevin Fenley, writer of The Family Matters episode, “Urkel accidently switches bodies with the president.”

Kyle: Ooh! Ay! Look at Tina, she thick.

Urkel: There’s only one girl for me, y’all. Who Laura Winslow? That bougie neighbor girl?

Male voice: The Goofy characters you loved in the 90s with absolutely none of the fun or charm.

[Urkel is on Laura’s door]

Urkel: Flowers my pet.

Laura: Steve, it ain’t like that between us. I’m not your pet.

Urkel: I love you.

[Laura’s dad interrupts]

Laura’s Dad: What are you? Deaf, Steve? She ain’t interested. Now, get the hell out of here.

Laura: You hard on that boy dad. No life ain’t been easy for him. Father’s gone. Mothers are drunk.

Urkel’s mom: When are you gonna stop working on that stupid robot and make some money for the family?

Urkel: What family?

Urkel’s mom: I raised a damn nerd.

Male voice: A young genius alone in the world.

[Urkel seeks Laura in the bed with Andrew. He destroys the robot he’s making.]

Urkel: [at Andrew’s door] You don’t love her!

Andrew: No. But I love how she makes it clap. [Urkel punches Andrew] Oh, you broke my nose.

Urkel: Did I do that? [Urkel starts beating up Andrew] Did I do that? [Urkel pulls up a gun] What if I shot you in the face? Should I do that?

[Laura’s dad comes. He’s a police]

Laura’s dad: Drop the gun, Steve.

Male voice: RollingStone writes “Family matters is the number one worst choice for a sitcom to modernize like this one.” Entertainment Weekly adds this gift of Kevin Hart. Looking horrified.

Laura’s dad: You pull a gun out on kid, Steve. Steve Urkel I know is way too smart for that hood nonsense.

Urkel: Y’all don’t know what it’s like down here.

Laura’s dad: Son, I’ve been a Chicago cop for 20 years.

[Cut to Laura’s dad interrogating Mikey]

Laura’s dad: Where’s the girl?

Mikey: Go to hell, pig.

Laura’s dad: Pig? [he hurts mikey] Oink, oink, bitch!

[Cut back to Laura’s dad with Urkel]

Laura’s dad: If you continue down this path, you’re gonna wind up dead or locked up by your 18th birthday.

Urkel: Ain’t nobody gonna care if I’m gone. I ain’t got a family.

Laura’s dad: You’re wrong, Steve. The Winslow’s are your family. And family [bleep] matters.

Male voice: Urkel, streaming this spring on Peacock.

Sappho

Mikey Day

Joanne Drunk…Kate McKinnon

Reena Merlyn…Ariana DeBose

[Starts with Mikey speaking on a podium]

Mikey: Welcome, everyone. On behalf of the classic studies department here at Cornell, thank you for joining us at this highly anticipated sold out free lecture. And thank you again for the grant from our corporate sponsor Fage yogurt. Fage, Be careful when you say it. Our guest lecturers today are here to enlighten us about Sappho ,ancient Greek poetess from the Isle of Lesbos. Welcome Joanne Druk and Reena Merlyn.

[Joanne and Reena walk in]

Joanne: Until now, Sappho’s poems about lesbian love have survived only in incomplete yet tantalizing fragments,

Reena: For example, “Lavender fields, weeping she left me.”

Joanne: Or my personal favorite, “I have of girls.”

Reena: But now, thanks to a recent unearthing of a buried scroll room on the Isle of Lesbos…

Joanne: Caused by the tragic crash of a rogue Rosie O’Donnell family cruise all survivors…

Reena: We now have Sappho’s complete poems, which capture the timeless beauty of love between women.

Mikey: Oh, hazhar. Any lover of ancient Greek literature is as hard as a statue of Adonis right now. Give us the translations, please.

Joanne: Will do. We begin.

“Wind in mountains.
Eyes of goldenrod.
We broke up, Helena.
Please get your sandals out of here.”

Reena: And now…

“Golden raisins.
River banks.
Nancy, we just met
You’re scary and a bitch.
Move in with me.”

Joanne: And then there’s this of course.

“Olive juice drips.
Sun touched.
We cannot get another dog.
We are maxed out on dogs.
That being said, I found a pregnant feral cat behind the grocery store. Pleeease?”

Mikey: Wow. Her work is timeless. Does anyone have any questions?

Chris: It feels like maybe your personal lives are influencing the translation.

Joanne: No. No. I don’t know anyone named Nancy.

Reena: No. Me either. Not anymore. Let’s continue.

Joanne: Thank you.

“You satisfy our passion.
The Aegean beckons.
Why don’t gay guys invite us to their events?
Are we not fun?
Don’t answer that.”

Reena: “Woven garlands.
Greek tree.
Nancy, you moved in three weeks ago.
It has been hell.
Marry me.”

Joanne: And we found this one the most stirring of all.

“I don’t care if Helen of Generes was mean.
She did a lot.
You think James of Corden is a walk in the park?”

Chris: I’m sorry, has this been peer, reviewed or published?

Joanne: Uh, yes, we were married.

Chris: That’s not what I asked.

Reena: Well, now, the cave not only contained poems, but also artifacts which help us recreate Sapphos life.

Joanne: An ancient drinking vessel.

Reena: A toga with suspenders.

Joanne: And here’s a vase with the face of some kind of ancient Greek goddess, we think of hotness.

Chloe: That is Gillian Anderson from the X Files and I think you’ve made that.

Joanne: What? What? What do you want me to do? You want me to prove I can speak ancient Greek? Fine. Gog Kakaako. Go omega omega. Maria Menounos. Sakala Karna keys Omicron Omicron. And so on.

Mikey: I’m sorry to say, that was not ancient Greek at all. Folks, these translations may not be legitimate. So show me a fragment. I’ll translate it myself.

Joanne: All right.

Mikey: “I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountainous,
I looked to the children,
I drank from the–”

You know what? They were right.