Tag: Aidy Bryant

Reality Stars

Bart… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Tina… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Will Farrell

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]

Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?

Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.

Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.

Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.

Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.

[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]

Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.

Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.

Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.

[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]

Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.

[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]

Bart: Oh, you meant that.

Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my  .

Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.

Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.

Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?

Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.

Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.

Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.

Kate: Oh, wow.

Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.

Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?

Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.

Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.

Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.

Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.

Cecily and Will: Aww.

Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?

Cecily and Will: No.

Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.

Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.

Will: So grounded.

Cecily: Being back here, right?

Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?

Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?

Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?

Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.

Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.

Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.

[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]

Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action!

[Kate and Tina sit down.]

Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.

Tina: What?

Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.

Tina: Excuse me?

Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.

Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.

Will: Yeah, Tina.

Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.

Will: Exactly, Tina.

Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.

Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.

Mikey: What is happening?

Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.

Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?

Tina: I didn’t know.

Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.

Mikey: It’s chicken.

Will: Bart, what is this?

Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.

Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.

Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.

Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.

Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.

Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?

Will: Oh, yes, please.

Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?

Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.

Flight Attendants

Spencer… Chris Redd

Sabrina… Aidy Bryant

Gareth… Will Farrell

Luke Null

Leslie Jones

[Starts with the flight attendants speaking to the passengers]

Spencer: Welcome aboard flight 1250-C. Service from Lubbock, Texas to Charleston, South Carolina. My name is Spencer.

Sabrina: I’m Sabrina. And returning to the flight crew this week is Gareth.

Gareth: Hi, y’all. I’m Gareth.

Spencer: Gareth just got back from a month long sabbatical. So, let’s give him a hand.

[everyone is clapping]

Gareth: Oh, stop. You’re making me blush.

Sabrina: Now, typically, this is when you sit though some boring safety demonstration.

Spencer: Argh, snooze fast.

Sabrina: But we like to do things a little different around here.

Spencer: We sure do. Someone give us a beat.

[Cut to Luke in the passenger seat]

Luke: I mean, I used to beatbox in college. But I don’t know if I can still ever-ever– [Luke starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: Ooh! That’s nice.

[rapping] 1250-C is a real fun flight

We’ll be soaring through the sky like a big old kite

Sabrina: Your crew is Spencer, Sabrina and Gareth
your comfort and safety is what we cherish

Spencer: Fasten your seatbelt and pull them up tight
and don’t unbuckle if you see that light

Sabrina: Be sure to stay seated or you’ll bump your head

Gareth: And god’s not real, when you die, you’re dead

All: Oh, my god!

Spencer: Dammit, Gareth!

Sabrina: Why would you say that?

Spencer: Gareth!

Gareth: They deserve to know.

Spencer: We’re doing a safety rap, dude!

Sabrina: Yeah. Your line was “Exit rows are marked in red.”

Gareth: I’m just preparing them.

Sabrina: For what?

Gareth: The beyond.

Spencer: Um, look folks, we apologize. God is real and Gareth will stick to the rat we agreed on.

Gareth: We are alone in the cosmos and Gareth will rap as he pleases.

Sabrina: Spencer, just ignore him. [to Luke] Sir, would you please bring that beat back in? I thought that was pretty fire.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Thanks. But it’s just something I ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] If you happen to be seating in the exit row
there’s a couple of things we think you should know

Sabrina: Your closest exit might be to the back

Gareth: And afterlife is just a void of black.

Spencer: [yelling at Gareth] Stop doing that!

Gareth: I will not be silenced.

Sabrina: What’s happened to you, Gareth?

Gareth: I woke up, Sabrina. I woke the hell up.

Sabrina: Well, Spencer worked very hard on this rap. So cut it out!

[Cut to Leslie in the passenger seat]

Leslie: Um, yes, I have a question.

Spencer: Yes, ma’am. You are in fact seated in the exit row. yes.

Leslie: Oh, no. My question is for Gareth. So, when you die, you just gone forever?

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Gareth: Bingo!

Sabrina: Ma’am, why?

Gareth: And religion is a delusion that shields us from that im-permanance. If you’re interested, I can recommend several podcasts.

Spencer: Can we please just finish the rap, please? Thank you.

Sabrina: Yeah. I agree. Gareth, the freak show ends now. Okay. Sir, please bring that sweet ass beat back in one more time.

Gareth: It is a very sweet beat.

[Cut to Luke]

Luke: Really, it’s not that ever-ever– [starts beatboxing]

[Cut to the flight attendants]

Spencer: [rapping] Now, let’s discuss an important task
how to apply your oxygen mask

Sabrina: Look out below when they start to fall
you gotta move quick, there’s no time to stall

Spencer: Strap to the head, pull the tight ends tight

Gareth: Be sure to do your’s before helping your friends

Spencer: Now you all understanding

Sabrina: But you should be doing something in the water landing

Gareth: The cushion on your seat can be used as a float
you can slide down the ramp and into a boat
blood stains the water, and you start to scream
what benivolant god would allow such a thing?

Spencer: [yelling] There is an air Marshall in here at all?

Gareth: [rapping] When I say ‘death is’, you say ‘Final’

Death is

Leslie: Final!

Gareth: Death is…

Leslie: Final!

Spencer: Okay, that’s it. Give me that. [Spencer takes Gareth’s mic away]

[Air Marshall walks in]

Air Marshall: Air Marshall here. [holding Gareth tight] You’re gonna have to take a seat sir. Come on.

Gareth: Okay. Wow. Sic the thought police on me, Adolf. Real nice. Everyone here should read 1984. It’s irrelevant now as forever. You 3-F

Dinner Discussion

Will Farrell

Kate McKinnon

Tom… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with few friends having dinner]

Will: No, I’m telling you. This dog eats anything.

Kate: He ate steel wool.

Will: And then he pooped silver for three days.

[laughing]

Tom: That’s insane.

Kate: It’s our life.

[laughing]

Aidy: You know, what’s insane are these roasted carrots. They are so good.

Will: Oh, everything here is good. The New York Times restaurant review raved about this place.

Heidi: You know, speaking of The Times, did any of you guys read that up-ed piece about–

Tom: Honey, no.

Aidy: What? What article are you talking about?

Heidi: The one about Aziz Ansari?

[The lights shut off. Everybody looks scared.]

I’m sorry. We can talk about something else. I was just curious what everyone thought. But–

Will: No. No. Of course. We can, uh– We can talk about it.

Kate: Yeah.

Will: Yeah. I mean, I think we should.

Kenan: We absolutely should.

Kate: Well, it’s come to this. I’ll go first.

Will: [holding Kate’s hand] Are you sure you wanna do this?

Kate: Yes. Yes. I will speak on the topic of [soft voice] Aziz Ansari. I think…

Will: Careful.

Kate: Yes. I- I think that some women…

Aidy: Careful.

Kate: Um, rather, um, some men have a proclivity…

Kenan: Careful.

Kate: Help me.

Kenan: Okay. Sure. Um, well, while I applaud the movement…

Heidi: Watch it.

Kenan: Noted. It’s just that I wonder if maybe we’re setting it back?

Kate: Argh! Careful.

Aidy: Okay. Ah- ah- I feel that powerful men almost always abuse– nope!

Tom: Okay. Um, look. The thing that I keep going back to is it seems like if she wanted to leave…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: She could have just…

Will: Oh, no.

Tom: Left.

[The lights turn off again. Will puts his face on his food. Kenan stabs his hand with knife. Aidy cops her hair off. Kate covers her face with curtains. Heidi does black magic and disappears.]

Aidy: Everyone, stop. We can talk about this. We are adults.

Will: Can’t we just go back to the dog? We were happy when we were talking about the dog.

Kate: Honey, the time for talking about the dog is over. We are in a post babe.net universe now and we have to finish what we started. Tom, go.

Tom: Fine. Okay, fine. The #metoo movement– pass.

Will: Okay. Consent. Pass. Dammit!

Kate: Okay. Um, if I were with a woman and she seemed at all uneasy, I would just slow my roles– [takes a bread] are good!

Kenan: Okay. What I think we’re forgetting —

Will: Oh, no.

Kenan: Is the way that this intersects with the issue of–

Will: Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Kenan: Race. [covers his mouth]

All: Nooo!

[different video clips showing the destruction plays]

Will: I can’t do this anymore. We have to talk about something else.

All: Yes. Thank you.

Kenan: Yes. Something less controversial.

Kate: Okay. Shape of Water had problems, right?

[They all get confused again]

Tom: Hey, where’s my wife?

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Taco Math

Heidi Gardner

Jessica Chastain

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Heidi: Sure, yeah, holidays are fun, but I’m glad to be back in LA. And I’m ready to kill it this New Year.

Jessica: Well, yeah. I have such a good feeling about 2018. I’ve already started reading a book. My resolution was to expand my mind.

Heidi: Oh, my god! So was mine. I’m like, a week into this brain work app I downloaded. It’s just like, 30 seconds seconds a day a math, 10 seconds of word search, and 20 seconds of shapes. It’s like, one minute a day and I’m already smarter.

Jessica: That’s amazing. Those apps really work.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Hey, ladies, did you decide what you wanted?

Heidi: Um, yes. I’m gonna have a bean tostada and a chicken taco.

Waiter: Okay. Tacos are buy one get one free. So, do you want another taco? It’s free.

Heidi: I mean I might waste it but, okay. I’ll just get another chicken Taco.

Waiter: Okay. And, for you?

Jessica: I’ll have cheese enchilada and a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Okay. You guys could do that deal together then.

Heidi: Wait, what?

Waiter: Um, she could have your taco.

Jessica: [to Heidi] Did you want a beef taco?

Heidi: No, I want it chicken.

Waiter: Yeah. She’d just be getting your beef one for free.

Heidi: But she want it beef.

Jessica: I ordered a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Yeah, yeah. You would get her free taco.

Heidi: Wait, I’m so confused.

Jessica: Me too.

Waiter: You know what? Don’t worry about it. I’ll just put it in.

Heidi: No, wait. Let me think coz I’m trying to use my brain more.

Waiter: Okay. Great.

Heidi: Oh, oh, I get it. But I’m getting two chicken. Are you cool with a chicken taco?

Jessica: That’s like, the one meat I feel bad about. I had a pet chicken when I was little and we were really close. But if I have to…

Waiter: No, you don’t have to. You can still get beef.

Jessica: I’m like, so confused. Wait, I can do this. Hold on. [thinking hard] [to Heidi] Did you want beef?

Heidi: Argh, usually I would, but I ate all this raw hamburger last weekend and I got really sick.

Jessica: Why did you do that?

Heidi: I was like, being funny. But, I mean, I like, literally have been throwing up beef for days. But I mean, I feel bad. I can get beef. I can’t promise I’ll keep it down.

Waiter: No, no, no. You don’t have to get beef. You can still stick with your original chicken.

Heidi: Oh my god, I think I’m gonna need my app for this. [Heidi pulls her phone out of her bag and shows it to Jessica] See, this is it.

Jessica: Aw, cute app.

Heidi: Ha-ha. That’s Cornelia. He brings me my homework but he’s actually pretty cool.

Waiter: Um, ladies, I can just–

Jessica: [interrupting] Excuse me! We got this!

Heidi: Okay. So, the blue square is the chicken taco. And if the red car is the beef taco.

Jessica: Then the free taco would be…

[Heidi and Jessica think hard but can’t figure out.]

Heidi and Jessica: I don’t know what it is.

Waiter: Okay. It’s easy. You’re just getting her free taco. Okay? So, it’s like you never ordered.

Jessica: But I did order. I was here. Did you not write it down?

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi. I couldn’t help but overhear everything you’ve been saying. And I need for it to stop. Okay. I’m gonna pay for all your food, so now, all the tacos are free.

Jessica: No. Only one of them is free.

Heidi: Yeah. So, thank you but this is a private conversation.

Aidy: Oh my god!

[Aidy walks away]

Jessica: You know, we actually might need another minute with the food.

Waiter: Okay. Can I get your drinks? It’s two for one Margaritas.

Heidi: Oh, we can’t drink. We’re performing a surgery after this.

Jessica: Yeah, we’re surgeons.

Waiter: What? You guys are surgeons?

Heidi: Why? You think women can’t be surgeons?

Jessica: Let’s get out of here.

[Heidi and Jessica stand and leave]

Waiter: No, that’s not– that’s not what I said.

Jessica Chastain Monologue

Jessica Chastain

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Chastain.

[Jessica Chastain walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jessica Chastain: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody, so much. Whoo! It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Whoo! This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. But I never get to do stuff like this because I’m always cast as a strong powerful woman. I usually say lines like, “Take the shot, dammit!” When am I gonna get to play a naggy girlfriend and say something like, “David!”

But I’m really excited to be here, especially today because this weekend is the one year anniversary of the women’s march. [cheers and applause] Yeap! And everyone knows women never forget an anniversary. So, today, hundreds of thousands of people were out there for the cause and they are so, so brave because it’s the worst flu season ever. God bless them.

I wish I could have been there, march alongside them.

[Cecily Strong and Kate McKinnon walk in]

Cecily: Hey, we’ll march with you, Jessica.

Kate: Yeah. Yeah. I’m always wearing practical footwear.

Jessica Chastain: Girls, let’s tell them what’s up.

[music playing]

Girls: [singing] You don’t own me
don’t try to change me in anyway
you don’t own me
don’t try me down coz I never stay

[Cut to Aidy Bryant in the audience. She is wearing a pink hat and has made few audiences wear them too.]

Aidy: I got us all P hats. I can’t say the real word coz it’s just one of those many words that only president can use.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie: You mean pussy hat?

Aidy: Yes, Leslie.

[Leslie takes one hat and leaves]

[Cut to the stage]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say
and please when I go out with you
don’t put me on display.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk in]

Beck: Hey, guys. We wanna match too.

Pete: Yeah. We love women.

Beck: Don’t say it like that.

Jessica Chastain: That’s so sweet. Thank you for being allies.

Beck: Yeah, totally. Because I believe it’s the man’s role in this situation to just listen. I think that–

Kate: Beck?

Beck: Yeah. Sorry. You don’t need us.

[Beck Bennett and Pete Davidson walk out]

Girls: [singing] And don’t tell me what to do
and don’t tell me what to say

[Heidi Gardner walks in with a slogan board “Nevertheless She Persisted!”]

Heidi: Whoo! Yay! Women’s march!

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa, why are you still dressed up?

Melissa: Look, I’m a proud feminist, but I’m still trying to catch a husband.

[Heidi Gardner and Melissa Villaseñor walk out.]

Jessica Chastain: Ladies, we were strong last year and we’ll be even stronger this year. So, let’s do this, damit!

Girls: [singing] I’m young and I love to be young
I’m free and I love to be free
I’ll live my life the way that I want
to say I do whatever I be

Jessica Chastain: We got a great show for you tonight. Troye Sivan is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Car Hunk

Arie… Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner

Lauren C. …Cecily Strong

Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Car Hunk intro]

Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.

[Cut to Arie. He is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand.]

Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.

[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]

Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Lauren C. walks in.]

Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren B. walks out and Lauren C. takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.

Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.

Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.

Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.

Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?

Jessica: Eating Tide pods.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.

[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?

[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]

Luke: Does it matter?

Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.

Luke: I love that.

Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.

[Melissa walks in.]

Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.

Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.

Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]

Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.

Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.

Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?

Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.

[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]

Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.

Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.

Aidy: You got it.

[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek]

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.

Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.

Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.

Arie: I’ll walk you out.

[The End]

Amazon’s New Headquarters

Jeff Bezos… Kyle Mooney

Jeanine Flanigan… Jessica Chastain

Tommy Geleki… Beck Bennett

Casey Affleck… Mikey Day

Reverand Jeremiah Green… Kenan Thompson

Camelle Lo… Leslie Jones

Shep Pauladinau… Aidy Bryant

Corey Booker… Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jeff Bezos in his Amazon office.]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, are we ready for the presentations?

Alexa: Yes, sir. We are down to twenty cities for our new Amazon headquarters.

Jeff Bezos: Great. The winning city would get 50,000 new jobs and billions of dollars. Alexa, isn’t this exciting?

Alexa: Yes, it is exciting.

Jeff Bezos: And just to make sure, Alexa, who is the richest man in the world?

Alexa: The richest man in the world is Jeff Bezus.

Jeff Bezos: Close enough. Um, let’s begin.

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Boston.

[rock music playing]

[Jeanine Flanigan and Tommy Geleki walk in]

Jeanine Flanigan: Hey, Jeff.

Tommy Geleki: How are you doing, Chief?

Jeanine Flanigan: Thank you for having us, Mr. Bezos. [music stops] My name is Jeanine Flanigan.

Tommy Geleki: And I’m Tommy Geleki.

Jeanine Flanigan: And we are from Boston’s chamber of commerce. We’d like to present you with a pound of Dunken doughnut’s coffee. Dock Roast.

Tommy Geleki: The good stuff.

Jeanine Flanigan: And two tickets to store Centway Park.

Tommy Geleki: Yeah. Upper level. You know, we’re not millennials– millionairs, sorry.

Jeanine Flanigan: Ha-ha. Look, Mr. Bezos, Boston is the best.

Tommy Geleki: The best.

Jeanine Flanigan: I’ll take it, but don’t take it from us. Take it from Oscar winning actor, Mr. Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in]

Casey Affleck: How are you doing?

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey was so excited when he heard Boston was in Amazon headquarter finalist.

Casey Affleck: Yeah. Um, this guy, I guess. I don’t know.

Jeanine Flanigan: Casey, you grew up in Boston. Wouldn’t Amazon love it there?

Casey Affleck: Umm.. yeah. I don’t know. I, um, I live in LA now. Maybe, um– Maybe put your office there.

Tommy Geleki: Oh my god, Casey! Bro!

Casey Affleck: You think you’re better than us?

Tommy Geleki: Okay, okay. Let’s take this outside. Thank you so much, Mr. Bezos. [to Casey Affleck] Are you going to Hollywood, bro?

Jeff Bezos: I like em’. They’re passionate. Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Atlanta.

[Jeremiah, Camelle and Shep walk in]

Jeremiah: Yeah. What’ good, partner? Man, y’all need to come see the A filming. Let’s do the damn thing, man. My name is Reverand Jeremiah Green. And I am here on behalf of the mayor’s office.

Camelle: And I am Camelle Lo from Atlanta’s office of business development.

Shep: And I’m Shep Pauladinau and I’ma be careful what I say.

Jeremiah: Ay, look here, man. Atlanta’s made for business, okay? Airport’s only 20 minutes away from downtown.

Camelle: Two hours with traffic.

Jeremiah: We had Olympics there back in 96.

Camelle: The one with the bomb.

Jeremiah: And you know, Atlanta has these wonderful places where people from all walks of life come together.

Camelle: It’s called the Waffle house.

Jeremiah: Yeah. We ready. So, today, we present you some of the symbols of our city, a can of Coca-Cola and a sandwich from Chipotle.

Shep: And I brought my delicious signature three butter pudding, y’all. It’s the dish that American Heart Association rated ‘doubt’.

Jeremiah: And to show you how much we love Amazon, we give you an Atlanta t-shirt delivered by Amazon drone.

[a drone is flying over them]

Hey! Man, I don’t trust that thing.

Camelle: Oh, hell no. Let’s get out. That’s the police.

Jeremiah: That’s the police.

Camelle: That’s the police.

Jeff Bezos: Um, we’ll be in touch. Um, Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Newark.

[Corey Booker walks in]

Corey Booker: Hello, Mr. Bezos. My name is Corey Booker and I am so proud to be representing Newark, a city on the rise. By the way, I know we’re not getting this at all. And that gives me [yelling in squeaky voice] authentic rage! This is a nice office. Anyway, have a good day. #AuthenticRage.

[Corey Booker walks out]

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, who’s next?

Alexa: I’m sending in the delegation from Miami.

[Melissa and Cecily walk in]

Melissa: Ola, Mr. Bezos. We are from the Chamber of Commerce for the city of Miami. A diverse group of people all living in harmony together. Cubans, Jews, gays.

Cecily: Lizards, bugs, beans, cocaine.

Melissa: And featuring, Pitbull.

[Pitbull walks in]

[music playing]

Pitbull: Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Putbull starts dancing]

Melissa and Cecily: [singing] It is Miami and it is loco
It is Miami and it is loco

Pitbull: Yeah! 2018, Miami. This is all I do. Hah! Hah! Hah! Pitbull, dale!

Melissa: Today, we present you with the tasty pina colada.

Cecily: And a souvenir of our city. Pitbull.

Pitbull: Hah!

Jeff Bezos: He’s all your’s now.

Pitbull: Hah! Pitbull! A-bi-ano-bi! Dale! Unos, dos, tres, cuatro.

[Melissa, Cecily and Pitbull walk out]

Jeff Bezos: Wow, this is a tough decision, Alexa. Who should I choose?

Alexa: I didn’t hear that.

Jeff Bezos: It’s okay. I love you.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Aidy Bryant

Colin Jost

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin JostColin Jost: It was reported this week that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for the reshoots of the movie ‘All The Money In The World’ while his co-star Michelle Williams made only $80 a day. Here to comment is Aidy Bryant.

[Aidy Bryant slides in]

Aidy Bryant: Whoo. Hi, Colin. Hey.

Colin Jost: How are you? Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. Thank you for having me. And I’m sorry I rolled out here kind of weird. Did I ruin it?

Colin Jost: No. Of course you didn’t ruin anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. I know. I just do that. You know. I t’s kind of my natural state because I, like most girls, have been taught to be accommodating and polite. Like, once, I felt bad about telling an Uber driver that he made a wrong turn and so I just went with him to New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, what does that have to do with Michelle Williams?

Aidy Bryant: Well, I guess I just understand the impulse to be accommodating, you know? Like, I easily could have been in Michelle William’s position. I mean, not in the position of being in a movie. I have only been in one movie and it was Spiderman 1 and I had one line and it was uncredited. Although, I was recently offered the role of fat ugly prison who brings inmates sex and cake. And that’s real.

Colin Jost: God, wow. What do you think of the public response to the story?

Aidy Bryant: Well, everyone’s talking about how women should negotiate harder and ask for more money. And that’s true. And I really think women are ready to do that. But I feel like maybe, just maybe, men could be just like [showing a tiny amount using her fingers] this much more dees. You know?

Colin Jost: Little dees? Like, decent?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I wanna say decent but I’m trying to keep it like, cool and chill so I don’t come off like a shrew.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you’re saying we kind of need to find like, a middle ground. Right?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, equal pay is the goal. But, at this point, I’d be happy to just even gain like, a couple of yards. And yes, that’s a straight up sports reference for da’ boys.

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah.

Aidy Bryant: All that I’m saying is if I’m going to be more like, Mark Wahlberg, then maybe Mark Wahlberg can take a little trip inside my brain. Which is just a tornado of “Are you okay? Is she okay? I’m sorry. Here’s $50.”

Colin Jost: So, you think people should act more like that?

Aidy Bryant: No, Colin. No one should act like this. It’s the prison of the mind.

Colin Jost: Well, Mark Wahlberg did announce that he is donating his salary from the reshoots to the time’s up legal fund.

Aidy Bryant: Yes. And that’s great. That’s the right thing to do. But it would be so cool if it didn’t take a week long public shaming to do the right thing. Maybe do it daily private shaming which is what I have done my entire damn life.

Colin Jost: That sounds like some very good advice, Aidy. Yes.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, to quote Kate Yeager, Mark Wahlberg’s character from Transformers, “I think we just found a transformer.” I’m sorry, that’s the wrong quote. It was, um, “You gotta have faith, Prime, in who we can be.” See, Colin? We can all be transformers.

Colin Jost: Aidy Bryant, everyone.

Aidy Bryant: I love you. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Don’t apologize.

My Drunk Boyfriend

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Luke Null

Boyfriend Doll… Kyle Mooney

Girlfriend Doll… Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aidy getting drinks at the bar. Cecily is waiting for her. Aidy walks back with two cocktails.]

Aidy: Whoo! I hope you’re having fun. I know it sucks Brad’s out of town.

Cecily: Yeah, you know. But it’s still nice to have some me time. Right?

[Beck walks to Aidy and hugs her]

Beck: There she is.

Aidy: Babe, stop.

[Beck is drunk]

Beck: What? I can’t help it. I love you so much. [Beck is walking a little backwards. She spills a stranger’s drink.]

Stranger: Watch it, guy.

Beck: Oh, you wanna fight me? Let’s get it, bro.

Aidy: Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get him out of here.

[Aidy pulls Beck away]

Cecily: Okay. I’ll see you guys later.

Beck: You’ll never find a love like this.

Aidy: Okay. That’s enough.

[Cecily looks at Cecily and Beck walk away carefully]

Female voice: Wishing your man was here? He would be a handful. But wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend. [Cut to Cecily receiving the box of doll delivered in her home] The only life sized doll guaranteed to make you feel like your man is right there with you. And he is hammered. [Cecily opens the box. There’s a real looking doll guy.] 150 pounds of dead weight. [Cecily is trying to take  the doll out, but she is falling with the doll.] And you get to be his babysitter. Designed to mimic the behavior of the sloppy grown man that you can’t get enough of. Programmed to say over 200 unique phrases.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I think I’m going to take piano lessons.

Female voice: It’s always a fun night with My Drunk Boyfriend.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] Cops. I want to watch Cops.

Female voice: You’ll love hearing about his big plans.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I’m gonna call my boss and quit.

Female voice: Or when he cries over a dead relative he never mentioned before.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk crying] My Uncle! [sobbing] My uncle!

Female voice: With My Drunk Boyfriend beside you, you’ll never miss out on a night of rolling him over when he snores. And oh no, watch out. My Drunk Boyfriend has a timer set to get up in the middle of the night and pee into your hamper.

Melissa: No. No. That’s the laundry.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I did good, right?

Female voice: Plus, with a new My Drunk Boyfriend expansion pack, you’ll get all sorts of accessories. Like, pants that don’t come all the way off. A charred frozen pizza that he brought into bed. A glass of water he will ignore. And just a one more beer. My Drunk Boyfriend. He’s a problem, but he’s your problem.

Male voice: From the makes of My Drunk Girlfriend.

[Cut to a female doll]

Girlfriend doll: [drunk voice] Are you mad at me?

Alex: Yeah. [smiling at camera] I’m mad at you.