Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump Suggests Injecting Disinfectant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update, home edition.. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: Well, you know things are going well when “Don’g drink bleach” is trending nationally after a president’s speech. After a doctor said that coronavirus dies quickly in the sunlight, president Trump asked if they could bring the light inside the body. I’m pretty sure bring the light inside the body is what they chanted at Jones town before drinking poison. Then president clean suggested injecting disinfectant into your body to cure the virus. Experts call the idea “A stroke of genius,” minus the “Of genius” part.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right side.]

Michael Che: Trump laid a backtrack and said he was just being sarcastic which is just what you say when you know you’ve said something terrible. And you know Colin, speaking of terrible, you know how when a kid has really bad parents, somebody steps in and they have to go live with another family, right?.

Colin Jost: Sure.

Michael Che: You think it’s possible another country could come take custody of us, maybe? I mean, just until our government gets back on its feet. Somewhere stable like, Germany or Japan or Nigeria. Or even Iraq. I’ll take Iraq now. Don’t they owe us a favor anyway? Didn’t we like, kill their dad when they were in trouble? I’m being sarcastic, obviously.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: A man in Ohio was seen protesting ‘stay-at-home’ orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Said the man, “We need to re-open the [makes pressure sound] eeeeee-conomy. And fun fact, if American flag and a diaper are struck by lightening, they create a Shawn Hannity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a protester with a gun at right side.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s funny that all the people protesting the stay-at-home order live in places where there’s nowhere to go anyway. I mean, I get why like, Vegas or Miami would want to open up. I mean, cocaine ain’t going to cut itself. But if you’re protesting in rural Texas or South Carolina, where else would you even be, Earl? Besides Walmart and your basement which is pretty much still open. Also, who are all these guns supposed to scare? The virus? The nurses? The police? It’s crazy now these red necks– excuse me, red states are always talking that support the troops and blue lives matter [bleep]. But then, they’re so quick to bring out their guns whenever their country wants something from them. I mean, how is that patriotic? That’s like saying, “I love my wife, but I keep a gun under my pillow just in case.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Texas lieutenant governor Dan Patrick is urging his state to completely reopen saying, “There are more important things than living,” which is actually the slogan for the KFC $20 fill up menu.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: A growing number of anti-vaxxers are changing their minds about vaccinations in the wake of the coronavirus. Because, anit-vaxxers are worried that if they get the virus, they may not get the chance to breastfeed their teenagers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left side.]

Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani appeared in the FOX News this week and said something so stupid, it was almost presidential. But all I really wanna know is, why does Rudy look like Mickey Rooney in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Is he so mad about coronavirus that he’s actually turning into a racist asian stereotype?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!

Weekend Update Home Edition- Banksy Makes Bathroom Art

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: Street artist Banksy has posted pictures of an art project created in the bathroom. He’s calling the piece, “Guess what I ate?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whipped strawberry milk at left side.]

Colin Jost: A popular new food item among the people staying at home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, whipped strawberry milk is also Prince Harry’s  drag name.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a woman in stress at right side.]

Michael Che: Psychologists are warning single people stuck at home to resist the urge to get in touch with their exes. Okay, but if I don’t text my exes, how will they know I love them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ at left side.]

Colin Jost: ESPN has released ‘The Last Dance’ which follows Michael Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. Unfortunately, the film ignores the important questions like, “Why did Michael Jordan film that Hanes commercial with the Hitler mustache?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lando Lakes logo at right side.]

Michael Che: Lando Lakes butter has removed the native American woman from the landscape on it’s packaging over concerns that the imagery was racist. Unfortunately, they’re replacing her  with the pipeline.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grim reaper at left side.]

Colin Jost: A lawyer in Florida protested the opening of the states beaches by wearing a grim reaper costume and warning people at the beach about getting too close to each other. There was an awkward moment when he bumped into the actual grim reaper who was just making his regular Florida rounds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture ofKelly Clarkson at right side.]

Michael Che: Kelly Clarkson has released a new song called “I dare you” in six different languages. It’s a song that has people all around the world coming together to say, “Eh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of viagra and an iPhone at left side.]

Colin Jost: A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and a thousand viagra tablets. I assume texting people, “I’m up.”

Michael Che: Alright. That’s a 10 year old joke right there. A new study finds that pigeons in New York city are genetically different from pigeons in Boston. It’s actually easy to spot the difference because the Boston pigeons are the ones yelling at black birds to go back to where they came from.

Colin Jost: Just, also, I just want to say before we wrap up tonight, Michael, you’re probably familiar with the ‘all in’ challenge where different people are sort of challenging each other to go through different experiences and invite a fan to join them for an experience. And, you know, that’s a way to raise a lot of money for people in need. And I’m assuming this is something you’d be all in for, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Okay. Yeah, alright. No, sure.

Colin Jost: Well, we’ve actually set up a great– a site on the all in challenge where whoever donates the most money over the next week [Michael Che laughing] will get the change to write a joke that you can tell on our next show without having read it in advance. And it’s gonna be great. Fans are really excited. And, in case they needed sort of any guidelines or maybe an example, we actually sent you a joke tonight that you could read so that all the people who are gonna give generously can know sort of something that they can try. I think in your email, there might just be a joke you could read?

Michael Che: Are you serious?

Colin Jost: And, I think, you know, the nice thing about you agreeing in advance to do this is that it’s gonna raise a lot of money. And I think that’s really what you care about, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Yeah. My god. Alright. Uh, boy. [reading the email] It says here, NASA officials said that it’s possible that the first human sent to Mars could be a woman, so that when the male astronauts show up, dinner will be ready. Oh, god! [laughing]  Well, that just undoes everything I’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: So, guys, very exciting. If you want to donate and get a chance to make Michael Che say something, donate to this link we have below. You can’t click it coz it’s a screen. But, you can look at it and type it like we had to in the old days. [the link is allinchallenge.com/snljoke] So, that’s the link. Check it out. Thank you for your donations. For Weekend Update home edition, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- President Trump Gives Coronavirus Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?

Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.

Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.

Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.

Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.

Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.

Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?

Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.

Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.

Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.

Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.

Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.

Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.

Weekend Update- New Twinkies Cereal and Joe Exotic Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.

Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”

Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.

Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.

Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.

Michael Che: What happened to you?

Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.

Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]

That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.

Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.

Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.

Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.

Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.

Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.

Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.

Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Bernie Sanders Drops Out

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update Home Edition. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And this is obviously a strange way to do the show. So, we got some people listening on Zoom. Say hi, everybody.

[audience making little noise]

Yeah. Now, it’s like a party, right Coling?

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great distant just audio party. It’s great.

Michael Che: What? I mean it’s better. It’s like.. telling jokes with nobody just looks like hostage footage. No, doing comedy with no audience, it kind of feels like when you’re in a long distance relationship and your girl’s like, “We can’t have sex but we can Facetime.” And you’re like, “Ugh, I’d rather just cheat on you.”

So, we got some jokes and we’re gonna tell some, see what you guys think.

Colin Jost: I’ve been watching president’s daily improv shows that he does every night. And I actually really love Dr. Anthony Fauci. I love when he speaks. Dr. Fauci is the last person I’ve seen that has a really thick accent but is smart. I’ve never got used to that. It’s like if someone said like, “Alright, guys. Here’s how we’re gonna fix this disease,” you’d expect them to be like, “We’re gonna break it’s f*** knee caps.” But he just has actual like, facts information.

Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race which means that Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for 2020. And I just want to say on behalf of all comedians, thank you. I’m so excited because it’s either Trump or Biden which means that we have a comedy gold for next four years. Potentially with Biden, the next eight years. And I just want to say, can you imagine the Biden’s gonna be saying eight years from now?

Michael Che: This is bitter sweet coz I actually like Bernie Sanders. But him losing and making all those liberal white kids on twitter sad is the only thing getting me through this really rough week. Whenever I feel down, I just go online and listen to Bernie supporters try really, really hard to not blame this loss on black people. Ha-ha. I liked him but I knew he wasn’t getting a black vote because he kept bringing up healthcare. We don’t go to the doctors, man.

Colin Jost: President Trump has been reportedly promoting unproven cures for COVID-19 based on advice of Rudy Giuliani. Coz when you need medical advice, you turn to the guy who looks like he’s experience every symptom at once.

Michael Che: Reports suggest that in large cities like New York, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting African-American communities. And I really wish there was a way to warn black people about this without also telling white people about this. Coz once Trump starts calling this the Harlem flu, we ain’t never gonna get a cure.

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kylie Jenner for the second year in a row was the world’s youngest self made billionaire. The announcement was made in this month’s issue of Now’s Not The Time (magazine).

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious. At least that’s what he’s yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers.

Colin Jost: Tuesday was National Beer Day which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is.

 

Weekend Update- Joe Biden Becomes Front-Runner

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Demoratic Debate at left side.]

Well, last week we had six democratic candidates and this week, it’s become like my dad’s favorite radio station, [picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden] just the oldies. Joe Biden is now the front runner and just picked up an endorsement from Michigan’s governor only days before the state’s primary. And it makes sense that Michigan would love Biden because it kind of looks like a hand trying to touch a lady’s hair. [Picture changes to map of Michigan]

I gotta say, honestly, [picture changes to Donald Trump and Joe Biden] I could not be more excited for Biden-Trump debates. They’re gonna be the first debates that have to be moderated by a Jamaican nurse. As well as the only debates that air on the Turner Classic Movies channel. And I don’t want the moderator to ask about anything political. I want all the questions to be like, “Who was the greatest slugger of the 50s? Who’s your favorite white boxer?” At this point between Bernie, Biden and Trump, I think the next debate should just be on that cruise ship and whichever one of them can beat Coronavirus becomes our next president.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of democratic and republican logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know who’s gonna win the nomination but watching white people fight over these old dues is hilarious. I don’t even care who wins just as long as they beat Trump. I’m not even really a democrat. I just vote ‘not republican.’ Democrats are like condoms to me. I mean, I’ll use them cos it’s safer I guess, but it doesn’t feel good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Both Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are actively cording Elizabeth Warren’s endorsement but I gotta say the pants suits are little much. [picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden wearing outfit like Elizabeth Warren]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

President Trump attacked Biden over his recent gaffe saying there’s something going on there. And Trump should know coz there is definitely something going on there too. I mean, a few days ago, he did this.

[Cut to a video clip of Donald Trump holing American flag tightly and kissing it.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

What are you doing, man? You can’t say someone else is losing it and then whisper ‘I love you’ to a flag. That’s like saying, “Oh, man, this guy’s lost his marbles,” but you’re saying it to a mannequin.

Then Trump visited the Centers for Disease Control and bragged about his knowledge of the Coronavirus saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking to the CDC.]

Donald Trump: Every one of these doctors said, “How do you know so much about this?” Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Oh, we’re all gonna die. What does that mean? He has a natural ability for Coronavirus? I don’t know, guys. I mean, maybe Trump’s born with it or…

[Cut to picture of Donald Trump.]

Female voice: [singing] Maybe it’s brain disease

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know. You know, I found out that the odds of us catching Coronavirus is about as high as us ending up on Saturday Night Live. And here we are, Colin. So, we both gonna catch it. Yeah, we had a good run. I mean, we accomplished a lot, you know. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey] Hey, could you believe we both almost got to marry Scarlett Johansson? It was crazy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Texas at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced Friday that South by South West has been cancelled because of the Coronavirus. Meanwhile, Coronavirus is set to headline Coachella.

[Picture changes to a news article that says, ‘CPAC attendee tested positive for coronavirus.”]

And in breaking news today, it turns out that a guest at the conservative CPAC conference which was attended by Trump and Pence has tested positive for coronavirus. Worse, it was the guy in charge of handling Trump’s flag. [Picture changes to Trump kissing the flag.]

Weekend Update- Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with The girl in his set]

The girl: Well, there is a lot going on right now and here with her thoughts on all of it is the girl you wish you hadn’t start a conversation with at a party.

[Michael Che slides in. She is wearing a party dress and has a glass of wine in her hand.]

Michael Che: It is very good to be back.

The girl: Hello, it’s nice to see you.

Michael Che: Yeah.

The girl: So, what do you think of the government’s response to this outbreak?

Michael Che: Honestly, this whole pidova-virus (coronavirus) is inexcusimal (inexcusable), okay? It’s miss-respectful. And it’s been blowing so out of abortion (out of proportion). Like, Michael, I’m sorry. You don’t think there’s any misatomy (misogyny) in calling it the woman virus and not the man virus?

The girl: I think it’s the ‘Wuhan.’

Michael Che: Wow! And you’re just gonna do the voice.

The girl: No. Wuhan is the name of the province.

Michael Che: Okay. Let’s do a quick science experience (experiment). Open your mouth really wide.

The girl: What? No.

Michael Che: I’m gonna put my whole hand in.

[Michael Che just puts her hand in The girl’s mouth]

The girl: Whoa! Whoa! Hey! No, you’re not. Keep your hands to yourself.

Michael Che: Wow. I’m sorry. Suddenly I’m Harvey Einstein (Harvey Weinstein)? Michael, you need to wake up, open your eyes and years and your mouth and let me put my hand.

The girl: No!

Michael Che: Colin would let me.

[Colin is looking at them wearing sunglasses]

Colin Jost: Yeah, but it’s coz I’m a freak.

The girl: Alright, let’s change the subject. What do you think about the democratic candidates?

Michael Che: This whole thing is ribbed (rigged) for no one’s pleasure. And I’m sorry I’m not just following all the leopards and jumping off the cliff, okay? It’s like, everyone wants socialism now but how did that work out for vuvuzela? Loud! I mean like, there are new born babies who can’t even read or write Michael. Meanwhile, the Brazilian rainforest is burning. It’s like, yeah, you keep waxing, it’s gonna burn.

The girl: Okay, so what do you think the solution is?

Michael Che: It’s a bubble standard, Michael. Like, why would you even have a two party system? Like, why can’t we just have one party and not have to miss the other one and give like, everyone major FOMO?

The girl: You mean FOMO?

Michael Che: [mocking voice] You mean FOMO? [looking away] Cinda! Cinda! Cinda! That’s my friend Cinda. We’re supposed to like, charge the stage of the Biden rally there [starts texting] tonight to tackle his wife for Dary. [phone notification sound]

The girl: What?

Michael Che: Oh, I just matched with Julian Assange on Raya. Anyway, the point is people are sick of the hip-hopracy (hypocrisy), Michael. Maybe, stop watching cable news twentyeight/7 and actually do something.

The girl: Like what?

Michael Che: Look. I have been spending a lot of time with Joaquin Phoenix recently, okay? I wrote his speeches for the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Nambla’s. So maybe, stop letting cows fly private planes to Palm Springs. I’m sorry. Don Jr. can like, run the Trump company but Hunter Biden can’t even work as a Barista? That’s necrophilism, Michael.

The girl: Alright, just tell us one practical thing you want people to do.

Michael Che: I am trying, but you have to let me put my hand in your mouth.

The girl: Stop touching me.

Michael Che: Wow! Everyone’s like, so sensitive. It’s like, what? Just coz I have a high fever and I’m coughing all the time and I have dia-rica (diarrhea), like, that means I shouldn’t go to parties?

The girl: [loudly] Yes! You should not even be here.

Michael Che: Fine! What if I wear a mask?

The girl: Well, okay. That would be a start.

[Michael Che puts on a ghost face mask.]

Michael Che: Okay.

The girl: Oh my god! Girl at a party, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Diverse Astronauts & Taco Bell Vigil

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There are pictures of NASA logo and planet Mars at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NASA announced that it is looking for people from diverse backgrounds to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the movie “No Time To Die: 007” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The producers of the up-coming James Bond movie “No Time To Die” announced that because of the coronavirus outbreak, they’re pushing the movie’s release back from April to November. Though, I think they should have still released in April but taken out the “No.” [The picture in the poster becomes “Time To Die.”]

[Picture changes to PennState campus]

Students at PennState held a candle light vigil for a campus TacoBell that is closing, because after you eat TacoBell, it never hurts to light a candle.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “100 year old woman asks to be arrested,” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking their sheriff’s deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. And no need to look it up, she’s white.

[Picture changes to a Dunkin’ donut.]

Dunkin’ donuts announced that every Friday in March, it will give away a free donut with a drink purchase. It’s part of a promotion to launch their new slogan, “Dunkin’ donuts, you can’t dia-beat us!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now once again Weekend Update presents…

Michael Che: The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to The Weeknd Update intro]

[Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room]

The Weeknd: Feels good. [coughing]

[Cut to The Weeknd Update outro]

Male voice: This is then The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “Man arrested smuggling whale vomit,” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Two men were arrested in India trying to smuggle in whale vomit ,or as it’s known commercially ‘a shamrock shake.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of William Shatner at right top corner.]

It was reported that as part of William Shatner’s divorce settlement from his ex-wife, he will gain custody of the couple’s supply of horse semen. Now, I don’t want to speculate on what he’s doing with all that horse semen but the dude’s almost 90 and his skin looks amazing.

[Picture changes to a young boy reading a book.]

A new study claims that negative gender stereotypes keeps boys from reading. And I was gonna read more on this study, but what am I? Gay?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “11-year-old allowed to drive car” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Relatives of an 11-year-old in England were fined after they got fed up with a boy playing grand theft auto too much and let him drive a real car. Also fed up, the prostitutes he tried to run over.