Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- Bottle Boi

Colin Jost

Bottle Boi… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, New York’s ban on plastic bags went into effect. Here to comment on it’s impact is my friend and plastic’s expert, Bottle Boi.

[Bottle Boi slides in. He’s carrying a bag of bottles and cans. He is untidily dressed with bottle caps and plastic.]

Bottle Boi: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, hello there. Ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Hello there, Bottle Boi. So, you’re a plastic’s expert, right?

Bottle Boi: In-du-bi-debly I am, Colin. Plastics is my job, my passion and my fashion.

Colin Jost: That’s right. And you’ve collected plastic bottles in my neighborhood.

Bottle Boi: Hey, don’t sell me shorts, Colin. Last year, Bottle Boi me 60,000… pennies but it’s tax-free.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And is the plastic bag ban like, hurting your income now?

Bottle Boi: Oh, confirmative it is. But this ban doesn’t just affect me. All New Yorkers need their plastics. Let’s say you’re walking down to the 33rd street with your little chihuahua mix and it take a big log on a sidewalk. What will you pick up that doo-doo with, huh? An NPR canvas tote?

Colin Jost: I mean, yeah. I guess that’s a good point.

Bottle Boi: Thank you. Thank you. And what does everybody line their bathroom trash with? A plastic grocery bag. Now you gonna throw your wet q-tips into a what? A back-pack? Fling your little toenail boomerangs into a JanSport? Never!

Colin Jost: Now, have you brought this issue up to anyone who can help?

Bottle Boi: Oh, yes. I called Governor Cuomo himself. I said, “Cuomo, everyday I go to the key food and buy one big pickle from the tub. What should I carry that pickle in now? A mitten?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I guess I really consider how these policies impact the homeless people.

Bottle Boi: Oh, Colin, I’m not homeless. I live right around the corner from you. In a beautiful antebellum house in the French quarter of Time Square. Also known as ‘the Bubba Gump Shrimp company.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. But you have to understand that this isn’t only about you.

Bottle Boi: Oh, don’t I know? But we get rid of plastics. Then what? We’re not giving the fish in the sea their necklaces anymore. Mr. Turtle ain’t gonna get no nose ring? Oh! Look, I ain’t no Greta Toon-town (Greta Thunberg) and I ain’t no Leonardo Di-Capinick. No, I am Bottle Boi.

Colin Jost: Right. And if your name is Bottle Boi, then why are you so hung up on plastic bags?

Bottle Boi: Well, first they come for the bags and then they come for the bottles. What’s next? No more toilets on the subway?

Colin Jost: You know, there are no toilets on the subway.

Bottle Boi: There are if you have a plastic bag.

Colin Jost: Bottle Boi, everyone.

Bottle Boi: I voted for you, Mr. Cuomo. I voted for you.

Weekend Update- Trump Talks Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump held a press conference today to educate the public about the Corona virus but I’m not sure it worked because according to a new survey, 38% of Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer because it sounds like Corona virus. While the rest won’t drink it because it tastes like syphilis. Donald Trump is the worst person to possibly ease people’s fears. Trump’s whole thing is that he whips arenas into a frenzy of anger and bloodlust. Hoping Trump can calm people down is like hoping cocaine can fight insomnia. And I don’t really trust Trump on medical issues because remember, this is what he had to say about Ebola.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is a much different problem than Ebola. Ebola, you disintegrated. You got Ebola, that was it.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You disintegrated? Does he think that Thanos was named Ebola? Then on his way to a rally where he would meet with thousands of untested people in an enclosed space, Trump explained his plan like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical. As you know, they’re working as rapidly as they can. Order vaccine for the future. And with that, I think I can head out.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: You think you can head out? I’m not sure coz you didn’t tell us anything. He said, “We’re ordering different elements of medical,” which I guarantee you he thinks is fire, earth, wind and water. And now scientists estimate that the mortality rate from the Corona virus is around 2%, which sounds pretty bad, but honestly if you’d given me only a 2% chance of dying during Trump’s first term, I would have taken that in a heartbeat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article about Corona virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Man, I don’t want to make jokes about this Corona virus. And not because it’s too sad but because I don’t know that I don’t have it yet. And if I do have it, the internet’s gonna play this clip of me making fun of it over and over again. As they should, coz that’d be hilarious. Imagine if there’s a video of a crocodile hunter making fun of sting rays. I mean, what if this is it? What if this is–? This is not how I want to be remembered. Sitting here, pretending that I care for politics, wearing this fancy tie. Like, I don’t need this. [Michael Che takes his clip-on tie off.] I mean, why am I hiding my drinking problem? [Michael Che takes a glass of whiskey and drinks it.] You know, I just found out that i might have a kid.

[Cut to Colin Jost looking at Michael Che in shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and stock-market diagram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The stock market this week posted it’s largest point loss in history which a lot of people are referring to as ‘the Trump Slump.’ And by ‘a lot of people,’ I mean me. The same way when Trump says, “a lot of people are saying something,” he just means he is. Now, these people are coming up and saying Trump Slump and everyone’s talking about this Trump Slump and how there is a Trump Slump, and I can’t even talk about Trump Slump without someone come up to me and like, “How about this Trump Slump?” Anyway, that’s the economy.

[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking and is wearing a snapback. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Corona virus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean how could this possibly end well for us? Trump put Mike Pence in charge. Mike Pence! I don’t know what Mike Pence’s plan is but it’s probably the same as that guy who had to give evian water for five cents. Now, my grandmother was right, Colin. She warned me. I remember she used to sit me down and rock back in her chair and she’d say, “Baby, you listen to me good. Don’t you bring no white girl home.” And then after that, she’d say, “We are living in our last days.” And I just thought she was old and crazy. Coz I mean, no white girls? I work in a show business. That’s unrealistic.

By the way, Americans, stop making fun of the Chinese fetish of virus, okay? Okay? I’m sure they may have some interesting choices in edible meats. But don’t act like Americans are any better. I mean, we just stopped eating Tide pods like two years ago.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar marked on April 5 at left top corner.]

I feel free.

Colin Jost: And well, we’re still five weeks away from Easter but earlier tonight, a man came back from the dead. [Picture changes to Joe Biden. There’s written “Biden wins South Carolina primary.”] Joe Biden won the South Carolina presidential primary just hours ago but in keeping with South Carolina tradition, the losers will get statues. [Picture changes to Wade Hampton statue.]

[Picture changes to Mike Bloomberg]

Mike Bloomberg is reportedly spending a record, $3.5 million buying ads in black media. So, get ready for Tyler Perry’s “Medea Goes To MikeBloomberg.com.”

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

And Hillary Clinton has announced that she’s starting a podcast. And okay, now I do think we should lock her up.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update- New Phillies and Astros Mascots

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. He’s wearing a snapback and has unbuttoned his collar. There’s a picture of new Phillies Mascot.]

Michael Che: The Philadelphia Phillies unveiled the new design for their team masco, the Philly fanatic. While Houston Astros have revealed their new mascot, Chitty the Camera. [looking at Colin Jost and holding his whisky glass] Hey, Chitty, it’s good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump Jr. and a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump Jr. has received a permit to hunt and kill a grizzly bear in Alaska. Not to be outdone, [Picture changes to Eric Trump] Eric Trump made a trap to catch a Charmin bears. [Picture changes to a trap used for insects. The bait is a toilet roll.]

[Picture changes to a news article that says “4-year-old finds meth in library book.”]

Florida police are investigating after a 4-year-old boy found meth inside a library book. The book was of course, “The very twitchy catterpillar.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an event promo at right top corner.]

20,000 high school students in New York city got to see the cast of the broadway hit “To kill a mocking bird” performed at Madison Square Garden. And no surprise, the cast beat the Knicks by 25 points.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Non-Costco members barred from food court” at left top corner.”

Colin Jost: Costco announced that it will start enforcing a policy that bans non-members from eating in their food courts. So, if you’re looking for a new low point in your life, try getting dragged out of Costco foodcourt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a while male with Christian cross painted on his forehead in black at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The one day a year Catholics are allowed to do a little bit of black face.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Catholic.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The last day of February which means it’s also the last day of Black History month. Here to reflect to what that means to him is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in.]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Redd: Yo! Wad up? What’s up? What’s up? What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: Hey, what’s up? Good to see you, Chris. So, how was your Black History month?

Chris Redd: It was trash, man. Black people took too many L’s to let this February represent us, man. We lost legends. The Corona virus just stole the spot light. Now, I know people that wear protected mask that don’t wear condoms, and that’s wild to me. Shitting bed all around.

Colin Jost: Wow. I’m sorry.

Chris Redd: You should be. Even in politics, we have no representation, man. Kamala, gone. Corry Booker, gone. Which means me and the bay sketch is gone. The blackest candidate we got left is Joe ‘I got a black friend’ Biden. He cool, but listening to that dude talk is like watching our old man parallel park his own thoughts for 20 minutes.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. Alright.

Chris Redd: And then on top of that, this happened.

[Cut to a picture of OneUnited debit visa card with a Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.]

Harriet Tubman doing Wakanda forever on a VISA card.

[cut to the news set]

What? Look at her! It looks like she got recaptured. She didn’t see Black Panther. Wakanda’s not real. Or how about this? Novels release black covers of white books for some damn reason. Look at this. Black Frankenstein looking like a Soundcloud rapper that got beat by the police. You got a black Wizard of Oz? That already happened. That’s the Wiz, you dummy! The we got Moby big ass Dick over here. This is stupid. It’s dumb.

Colin Jost: That’s pretty bad. But you know, there’s gotta be something good about this black history month, right?

Chris Redd: Well, a week ago I would have said boxing. I was looking forward to Wilder/Fury fight. But then Deontay Wilder walked out with his goofy ass wearing this nonsense. [Picture of Deontay Wilder’s entrance in the boxing match. His outfit looks heavy.] Yeah. Yeah, he lost to a bald headed potato sack body having white man too. This guy. Because he had a come-out just like a Mortal Combat fatality. Man, what’s wrong with you? And he said he did it in tribute of Black History month. Whose? Not mine. And on top of all, he got licked while getting his ass beat. Literally! Look at that. [Picture of Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury clinching. Tyson Fury has his tongue out.] Ew! Come on, man. [Cut to the news set] Not on our month, bro!

Colin Jost: No. I don’t love that either.

Chris Redd: Nobody loves that. And then on a last second, Charles tried to sneak one pass just like we weren’t going to catch it. Look. Look at this. [Cut to picture of black people praying in White House, all standing behind Donald Trump.] Look at these White House negros. [Cut to the news set] Who y’all praying to? The ghost of black face pass? Then Trump’s got his eyes open during the prayer like he’s trying to remember which pocket his wallet is in. Trump is looking like a basketball from space jam, just sucking all the blackness out of em’. Does this look like black history to you, Colin? Huh?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna guess, no.

Chris Redd: So, just give us another month, man. Look, I know March is women’s month, so we’ll take April, we’ll start on the Chris Reddnd.

Colin Jost: What about April Colin Jostst?

Chris Redd: Nah! Y’all keep that day, boy. April Fools his how you got us over here in the first place. “It’s just a cruise. Hop on. We good. We good.”

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get the Corona virus.

 

Coronavirus Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Joe Biden… John Mulaney

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Mike Pence speaking at the White House press conference]

Mike Pence: Thank you all for coming. I’m vice president Mike Pence. [cheers and applause] Most of you know me from the “Even if Trump was removed, we’d still be stuck with Mike Pence.” President Trump as put me in charge of the corona virus even though I don’t believe in [hand gesture quoting] science. And I have to admit this disease has been quite a test of my faith just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet. But I’m prepared for the challenge. We’ve assembled a very experienced team of some of the best people left in government. Led by one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Ben Carson: Hello. Hello. I’m Ben Carson. You know, the brain surgeon they put in charge of house development. Well, this is something I actually do know about and rest assured in my expert opinion it’s gonna be bad.

Mike Pence: Oh, Ben don’t say that. I asked you here to put people at ease and educate them about the virus.

Ben Carson: Oh! Okie dokie okie. So, here’s what we know so far. It looks like this. [showing a picture of Disney’s Stitch] As you can see from his sharp teeth, he’s a nasty little thing. He’ll bit you.

Mike Pence: Oh, ha-ha, but don’t panic. There are still simple precautions that we can all take like covering your mouth when you cough and as always closing your eyes during intercourse.

Ben Carson: Also, we suggest getting these wonderful ‘Make America Great Again’ masks from the White House website. It may take a couple of months for delivery because they are made in Wuhan, China.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you Dr. Carson

Ben Carson: Oh, it’s bad.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you. Thank you. The important thing is that now is the time for unity and not the time to politicize this issue. So, let’s take some questions.

[Michael Bloomberg in the press section asks question]

Michael Bloomberg: Yes Mike, Bloomberg. [cheers and applause] Bloomberg news. I have a question.

Mike Pence: What are you doing here? How did you get pass security?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I just walked in coughing and everybody got out of my way. My question is doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president who’s competent and capable? Even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?

Mike Pence: Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, I’m not sure that I understand your question.

[Michael Bloomberg just gets to the podium at which Mike Pence is speaking]

Michael Bloomberg: Okay, let me say it for you in Spanish. [speaking in Spanish language] Am I correcto?

[Elizabeth Warren stands from behind the podium]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I got a question for you Michael Bloomberg. [cheers and applause]

Michael Bloomberg: Senator Warren, what are you doing here?

Elizabeth Warren: Did you really think you’re going to get away from me? It’s my job now. I follow you around, make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls but I’m number one in your nightmares, Mike.

[Joe Biden walks in.]

Joe Biden: Speaking of number one, guess who just kicked butt? [cheers and applause] Guess who just kicked butt in South crackle-barrel?

Mike Pence: Joe Biden? You look different.

Joe Biden: Yeah. The surgery has starting to settle. Now listen folks, if we want to fight Chin cough, we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily. Now, here’s an honest to goodness true story based loosely on fake events. The year was 19-ricky-ticky-tabby. And me and Nelson Mandela were palling around South Africa, green book style. WE have one elephant between us and who do we run into but the ebola monkey. And weird story longer, I wrestled that sucker to mercy. Beep-bap-beep. That’s how I convinced Mandela that why he was okay.

[Bernie Sanders in the press section talks]

Bernie Sanders: Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a second. Hey, what about me possibly winning the nomination, huh? You gotta admit folks, universal health care doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it?

Mike Pence: Bernie, this is not the time to politicize this issue.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little set back in South Carolina but I’m heading the other polls. Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. And best of all, nobody wants to come near me. Much less touch me. I’m in heaven.

Michael Bloomberg: can I speak?

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, sure. Why don’t you start telling us what’s in that NDA?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I keep telling you it’s nothing. It’s just– I made a little joke to a female employee and she didn’t like it.

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. What was the joke?

Michael Bloomberg: Alright. Knock, knock.

Elizabeth Warren: Who’s there?

Michael Bloomberg: It’s your boss Mike. Listen, get rid of that baby.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh my god!

Michael Bloomberg: But didn’t you get it?

Mike Pence: [awkwardly] Okay. Why don’t I take a question from a real reporter? You, sir.

[Pete Buttigieg in the press section speaks]

Pete Buttigieg: Yes. [cheers and applause] Hi, I’m actually a mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a a candidate too, for the next three days.

[Amy Klobuchar walks in]

Amy Klobuchar: Back off, Buttigieg. [cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Amy Klobuchar.

Amy Klobuchar: Yeah. The whole moderate from the mid-west stick is mine. So, stay out of my center lane, bitch. I am from Minnesota so I will cut you… in line at Target, son.

Pete Buttigieg: I’m sorry. Son? Don’t treat me like a child. I was mayor.

Amy Klobuchar: Aw! Yes you were. Here. [Amy Klobuchar puts some spit on her thumb and wipes something off Amy Klobuchar’s face with it.] You got a little something there. It’s my spit!

Elizabeth Warren: Look, look, I just want to say two things, America. Number one, we need someone who can handle this, that we can trust. Mayor Bloomberg supports George W. Bush. He supported Lindsey Graham. He funded SARS. He invented traffic. He was responsible for McDonald’s serving spaghetti. he wrote and directed the movie ‘Cats.’ He dumps your bags in the ocean from cargo hold on Spirit Airlines. This is a bad man. Use Purell.

[Bernie Sanders walks to the stage]

Bernie Sanders: No, no, no. No, no, no. No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label, it says it kills 99.99% germs. What happens to the top 0.01%? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water. I might get in trouble for saying this. But you know who was great at washing his hands? Joseph Stalin. Just saying. Just saying.

Amy Klobuchar: Look. Look. I am not afraid of a little cough. I announce my campaign in a snow storm. I mean, that was insane. A snow storm. Who would do that? I am in it to win it, baby. Ha-ha. I don’t know when to quit. And that might be a problem.

Pete Buttigieg: Can I just mention? I’m the only candidate up here who’s not gonna lose.

Amy Klobuchar: To Trump?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no. To the corona virus. You know, you’re all in very high risk demographics.

Bernie Sanders: You wanna talk high risk? I have it on good authority and Pete Buttigieg is a hand cougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He coughs right into the hand. Not the elbow which we can all agree is not perfect, but it’s at least something. America doesn’t need a hand cougher. They need a president who is old enough to know Typhoid Mary. And one other thing and this goes for all of you.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Trump Tower Meeting

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the senate released over 2,000 pages of testimony regarding a 2016 meeting at Trump Tower with a Russian lawyer, here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. Colin, thanks for having us. Eric, what do you say when you’re a guest at someone’s place?

Eric: I’m sorry. I missed the toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s a great start. Now, Don Jr., many in the media are speculating their calls made to a blocked number before and after your Trump Tower meeting were actually calls you made to your father.

Donald Trump Jr.: You know, this may sound crazy, Colin, [Eric is copying every movement Donald Trump Jr. is doing] but the dishonest media is being dishonest.

Eric: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Donald Trump Jr. turns to Eric and gives his hand for high-five. But Eric raises his hand and turns away trying to copy what Donald Trump Jr. is doing.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, it’s a high-five, bud.

[Eric kisses Donald Trump Jr.’s palm]

Alright, baby steps, buddy. Colin, as I’ve repeatedly said, I never spoke with my father about that harmless little meeting.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t remember whose blocked number that was?

Donald Trump Jr.: No.

Eric: I do. You said, “Siri, call dad.”

Donald Trump Jr.: No. I did not, Eric. How could you possibly even remember that?

Eric: Coz I have pornographic memory.

Donald Trump Jr.: Bud, it’s photographic memory. Okay?

Colin Jost: Let’s just get back to the meeting for a second. Now, some democrats are calling on the judiciary committee to subpoena your phone record.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And they need to give it up because there is no collusion here. You know, Colin, I’m reminded of some words of wisdom my father gave us as boys. He sat us down, he pointed to a framed picture of the designs for Trump Tower and said–

Eric: Look at all the hidden swastikas.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Eric, you wanna play with your play dough, buddy?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play dough. there you go. He’s really into play dough lately. The bottomline– [Eric is just smiling and staring at the play dough] Bud, the whole thing. You don’t know how it works? [teaching Eric how to play with it] Look, you put some play dough in here, right? Now, push the lever down. Come on. Push it down. Look at that. It makes noodles. [Eric is amazed] Yeah. That’s what it does, buddy. Keep cooking. I’m hungry, chef Eric. [Eric acts like he’s playing with his mustache.] He did a chef. Proud of you. The bottom line Colin, is that this is just another desperate attempt by the liberals to undermine all the great work my father is doing in the white house. [Eric eats the dough] Eric! Did you just eat play dough, bud?

Eric: No. [There is play dough all over his mouth.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Do not eat play dough. it’s bad for you, buddy. [Donald Trump Jr. gives his hand to Eric’s mouth] Spit it out. Let’s go. Spit it out. There you go.

Colin Jost: Well, thanks for stopping by.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. I feel like it was a success. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. This was great.

Donald Trump Jr.: We better get going. We have a big day tomorrow. I’m having lunch with some new clients from Indonesia.

Eric: I’m going to see “Paw Patrol” on ice.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update- Bishop Michael Curry

Michael Che

Bishop Michael Curry… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The unexpected star of this morning’s Royal wedding is Chicago Bishop Michael Curry who delivered a lively sermon that British journalists called “Unconventional.” Here to explain is Bishop Michael Curry..

[Bishop Michael Curry slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh! What’s up, Michael? Oh, thank the lord above. It is good to be back around black folks again.

Michael Che: So, how was it?

Bishop Michael Curry: Did you see it? Oh, it was tough, man. Real tough. I preached and I testified and I yelled while 500 stuffy people looked at me like I was farting in an elevator.

Michael Che: Yeah, I feel for you, man. what did it feel like up there?

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, man, it felt kind of like somebody opened up a chicken and waffle skios in a middle of a pottery barn. And I was working it, Michael. I’m up there giving my all, and a sea of white faces is just looking back at me and I thought, “Oh, lord, help me. This must be what it’s like to be Darius Rucker.”

Michael Che: I take you’ve never done a royal wedding before.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, of course I have, Michael. I’m a black preacher from Chicago. The biggest wedding I ever did was Scotty Pippin.

Michael Che: Well, despite the crowd, your sermon got great reviews.

Bishop Michael Curry: That’s coz it was all about love. Love is great. Love is redemptive. Love can change the world. And love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Subaruuuu!

Michael Che: You’re comfortable, man. I think you did great. But some people said it went on too long.

Bishop Michael Curry: Oh, that’s nonsense. They told me I have five minutes. But the good lord multiplied it into a cool 16.

Michael Che: Well, you did great and whole world knows your name now.

Bishop Michael Curry: Yeah. I’m really excited. When you’re a black preacher who becomes famous, you need to get your phone tapped by the FBI or audited by the IRS. I’m looking forward to it. Praise Jesus.

Michael Che: Bishop Michael Curry, everybody.

Weekend Update on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Royal Wedding

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of the Royal Wedding at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: Earlier today, “Suits” actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.

[Picture changes to New York city and marijuana leaves.]

A report has found that 86% of the people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or latino. Well, duh, we’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take test for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they search black dudes in hoodies, prison would look like a Dave Matthew’s concert. You know, people always talking about deed in diversity in Hollywood? You know where we really need diversity? Jail! Forget about Oscar so white. How about prison’s too black? Colin?

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of map of Arlington city at left top corner.]

Michael Che: What? A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia. While the least fit city in the country was once again, Man Boobs, Lousiana.

Weekend Update on One-Year Anniversary of Robert Mueller Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at left top corner.]

Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. He jus asked his wife [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet where he calls his wife “Melanie.”] Melanie. And for those of us following this investigation, it’s been an exhausting year. It actually ages a person. I mean, here’s a picture of me and Che now. [Cut to picture of Colin Jost and Michael Che] And here’s a picture of us from last year. [Cut to picture of Lucas and Eleven from Stranger Things.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

I think with Russian investigation, ultimately what you think about the investigation really depends on what you think of Trump. It’s sort of like, when you hear this. [Picture changes to “What do you hear? Yanny/Laurel.”] Yeah, like, some people hear Laurel while some idiots hear Yanny. Lot of Laurel fans. That’s sort of how it is with the Russian investigation. If you like Trump, this is kind of what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: It’s a witch hunt, that’s all it is. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But if you don’t like Trump, this is what you hear.

[Cut to a vide of Donald Trump speaking, but the sound is a voiceover.]

Voiceover: I’m getting away with it, bitches!

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying [cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.” [Cut to Michael Che] You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It’s not everyday that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching [Picture changes to Rachel Dolezal] Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks. Okay. I’m for that.

[Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani.]

Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told off the record of an informant in the Trump campaign which is hilarious. Coz Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he shot and then he finally gets locked up for it and says, “Yo, I think somebody snitching.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Shawn Hannity at left top corner.]

It was reported that president Trump talked to Shawn Hannity almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I’d say this but poor Shawn Hannity! Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? Just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of the cheese burger wrappers? Was that a flush? Also, Shawn Hannity is a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, “No, Mr. President, you hang up.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Bolton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: North Korea issued a statement condemning national security advisor John Bolton saying they do not hide their feeling of repugnance toward them. Which I can get because look at him. He looks like he still calls Jazz jungle music.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

Trump promised protections for Kim Jong-Un if he makes a deal during their meeting but warned if talks fall apart, he would decimate them. You know, real Noble Peace Price stuff. Reminds me of Martin Luther King’s famous speech, “Dream a nightmare, take your pick.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Bill Gates at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with president Trump in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, “And which is the one that shows Property Brothers?” For real, Trump asks this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So, you know, homie got HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Homie? Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new US embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting cutting ceremony in Israel, a bris.

Weekend Update Offensive Jokes

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There are pictures of a goat, hedgehog and American Airlines logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Airlines has revised a guideline to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs on board as emotional support animals. Meanwhile, over at Spirit Airlines, it’s still a full on Noah’s Ark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a moon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. “Cool,” said kids in Chicago.

[Picture changes to a kindergarten classroom]

Police in Philadelphia said that a six year old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. The student was bringing a cocaine in for showing, [yelling] “Tell, tell, tell!” That’s a nice one.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: That’s nice.

Michael Che: That’s sweet one.

Colin Jost: That was a sweet one.

Michael Che: Kids on cocaine. That’s sweet.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really sweet. Well, this is the last episode of our season and there were a lot of jokes we tried this year. And some of them were deemed too offensive to do on air.

Michael Che: So we decided that since it’s the end of the year, we’re gonna do some anyway. How about that?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Boy Scouts of America’ logo at right top corner.]

The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization, coz somebody gotta sow those badges on. Now, again, these jokes are offensive and that’s why we won’t tell them on air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of restroom doors with women posters on them.]

Colin Jost: These are the ones we won’t be telling. A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men’s room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women’s room door. Even worse, they called the handicapped door, “Rob.”

Michael Che: Now, you can’t do that joke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a police car at right top corner.]

You can’t do that. You can’t do that on TV. Pennsylvania police arrested a one armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police said the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her. Now, that’s– that’s just– you can’t say that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Hamilton and Ponhub logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, you can’t. Pornhub has released– this is exciting– has released it’s parody of the musical Hamilton. And in the porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana leaf at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The New York Daily News published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana saying that the current law has primarily hurt people of color. But since it is the Daily News, the headline read, “Pot cigs catch nigs.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Went better than when I did it. Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic surgery obsessed woman known as Cat Woman has filed for bankruptcy. But don’t worry about Jocelyn, from the looks of her this is one cat who always lands… on her face.

Michael Che: Oh-ho!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Have a great summer. Goodnight.