Tag: episode 10

Fred Armisen for David Bowie

Fred Armisen

Fred Armisen: When I was in high school and living in Long Island, I stayed up to see David Bowie play on Saturday Night Live. And watching him was for me a life changing experience. He had these backup singers that were like, choir singers from the future. And a toy put with a TV monitor in his mouth. David Bowie transformed whatever space he was in, whatever medium he was using, and that night for me he transformed a live television. I encourage you go to go nbc.com to watch all of his performances from that night in 1979. And now, David Bowie.

[Cut to old video of David Bowie singing Man Who Sold The World by Nirvana.]

David Bowie: We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world

Awareness Seminar

Vanessa Bayer

Windle… Adam Driver

Harper… Cecily Strong

Jay Pharoah

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a classroom with the students and adults]

Vanessa: Guys, if I had a remote, I’d be hitting mute. Okay? That’s better. So we’re continuing awareness week today with four speakers who’d like to talk to you about bullying.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: Hey team. I’m Windle. This is Harper. And we’re here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school. Who’s familiar with social puppeteering?

[The students have no clue]

Well, it’s surprising.

Harper: Okay, well in simplest terms, it’s manipulating others for your own amusement. Hijacking someone’s reality to feel powerful.

Windle: Here’s an example of something I did. In the sixth grade, I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, “Hey, nice hat.” So, what’s the problem? Nathan wasn’t wearing a hat. If 80 kids say you’re wearing a hat, you start thinking, “Maybe I’m wearing a hat.” And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good. I took the most valuable thing he had, his mind. That’s the idea behind social puppeteering. Any question?

[Cut to the students]

Jay: Yeah. How come we don’t know about this?

Pete: I know. It sounds so fun.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay guys. This shouldn’t sound fun to you, okay? They’re here to tell you how bad it is.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Yeah, absolutely. I mean guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life. I spent thousands of dollars hunting [unintelligible]

[Cut to the students]

Jon: [noting down] Oh, please explain that.

[Cut to Harper]

Harper: Well, I hired day labors to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hanger so he woke up in a three storey bed the length of an Olympic swimming pool thinking he’s now half an inch tall. I mean, I went all out. I got the people who made the Jurassic Park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy long legs he had to fight. Kid peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours. It was pretty great. Also, wrong.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: It really will ruin your life. My brother doesn’t speak to me because I vampired him. I won’t pour you with the details.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: No, no. Please do.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird Albino dude to bite him and run away. And a week later, I started sprinkling a small amount of molly into his dinner every night. So at night he feels amazing but during the day, he feels a little bombed out because the molly was wearing off. So he started craving the night coz that’s when he got the molly. The night time became his magical time. He was convinced that he was a vampire. He bit our dad.

[Cut to the classroom]

Bobby: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt but I think I may have been socially puppeteered. [Cut to Bobby] See, I’m not a transfer student. I’m a 37 year old man. Two months ago, what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called Squiff. But I haven’t heard from them since and they definitely haven’t been paying me. So…

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’m started to say it man, but you got 21 Jump Streeted!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wow! I can’t believe it happened to me.

[Cut to Windle]

Windle: It can happen to anyone.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Don’t be a pupet. Learn more at www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

[The End]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Gun Law

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Obama has said that he will sign the executive order mandating universal background checks for gun purchases which many in congress oppose. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thanks Colin. Hi buddy. I don’t understand–

[Someone from the audience hooting]

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Oh, thank you lady. I don’t understand why anyone would be against background checks. You know? I wish I did a background check on my roommate. I might have found out that he gets his hair cuts in the living room. Or that he uses my toothbrush to clean his toothbrush. I actually saw a show that it said like, ‘The bait was reopened about whether mentally ill people should be able to own guns’ which I didn’t know was debatable. One guy even said like, “I don’t think the founding fathers wanted the people to lose their rights just because they had a mental illness”, which I guess sounds like it makes sense until you remember we’re talking about the 1700s when the most popular treatment for schizophrenia was like, fire. Just lots of fire. They didn’t have lexapro. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Texas just passed a law allowing people to carry guns into mental institutions. That’s a real thing. Not like joke that we wrote. That happens now.

Here’s a fun fact about me. When I was a kid, I was pretty depressed and I spent some time in a mental institution twice. So far… And I’ll be back. Oh, yeah. And I learned two things. One, the craziest guy there gets the control of the TV. His name was two-eyed Willie.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Why did they call him two eyed Willie?

Pete Davidson: They weren’t his. And second, [Cut to Pete Davidson] none of those people including me should ever be allowed near a gun. I cannot believe they let me drive. Every time I get behind the wheel, I’m like, “Wow, somebody really dropped a ball here.” It’s awesome. If I own the gun, I’d have to guy a new TV every time the Knicks lost. The reason Obama is going straight to an executive order is coz congress refused to even pass a law banning people on the no fire-list from buying the gun. But shouldn’t the gun list be the stricter list? That means somebody out there is being told like, “Sorry sir. Um, we don’t trust you to fly to Cleveland but if you wanna buy this assault rifle and take the bus…” They don’t have security on the bus, man. It’s just the driver who might like turn around once in a while and be like, “Ay! Stop!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

At the GOP debate, Donald Trump defended his concerns about whether Ted Cruz who was born in Canada to an American mother is eligible to be president saying, “There is a big question mark on your head.” But there’s also a big question ark on Trump’s head if the wind hits him just right.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump where his hair is blown by the wind to make a question mark.]

[Picture changes to Iranian flag and US flag]

US officials today announced that Iran is releasing five detained Americans in exchange for seven Iranians held by the US. President Obama praised the deal while an outraged Ben Carson said, “He wouldn’t be satisfied with any deal that didn’t include the prisoner of Askaban.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll shows that Bernie Sanders leads Hillary Clinton by 19 points among female millennial voters who like his proposal such as free college tuition. But I don’t know. Typically, when young women trust some old dude who promises to pay for their college doesn’t always end well.

[Picture changes to NFL Rams logo and Los Angeles city]

The NFL announced that the Saint Louis Rams will return to Los Angeles which I knew was coming the second I saw their mascot got some work done.

[Picture changes to an Oscar award]

The Oscar nominations were announced Thursday and for the second year in a row, people are complaining about the lack of diversity among nominees. But as a person of color, I’d be happy if the Academy just nominated movies that people actually see. I mean, are you telling me that anybody here has actually seen ‘Room’? Or ‘Brooklyn’? Or ‘The Golden Moon’? You’re lying, coz I made that last one up! If you want people to watch the Academy awards, you have to give us something we can root for. Just imagine how excited kids would be to see ‘Star Wars’ win. Or black people to see ‘Straight Outta Compton’ win. Or how excited Colin would be to see ‘Staten Island Summer’ nominated.

[Cut to Colin Jost giving thumb-up]

[Cut to Michael Che]

The Oscars should showcase more of the movies that people actually watch. Like porno! Why can’t porn be nominated? Oh, what? You’re telling me it’s okay to watch movies about people killing and dying and explosions and death, and that’s all perfectly fine. But if I wanna watch two people make love I gotta close my laptop, I’m disturbing the other passengers? Who’s really the sick one?

Undercover Boss

Kylo Ren… Adan Driver

Zack… Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Undercover Boss intro]

Male voice: Each week, we follow the boss of a major organization as they go undercover to find out what’s really going on in their company. This is Undercover Boss. Star Killer Base.

[Cut to Star Wars scene]

Kylo Ren is the commander of the First Order, a massive regime dedicated to wiping out the galactic resistance. This week, Kylo is going undercover among the Star Killer Base personnel as Matt, a radar technician.

[Cut to Kylo Ren]

Kylo Ren narrating: You get so caught up in restoring the galaxy to it’s rightful state that you miss what’s going on behind the scene. I’m looking forward to having some real talk with some real folks.

Female voice: We’ve put hidden cameras in employee common area and no one has any idea that Matt is their boss, Kylo Ren.

[Kylo Ren walks in the employee lunch area]

Kylo Ren: Hi. I’m Matt. I’m a radar technician.

[Cut to Kylo Ren sitting with other employees]

You guys like working here?

Zack: You know, work is work.

Kylo Ren: Yeah. Totally. What do you think of Kylo Ren? Do you guys believe when he says he’s gonna finish what Darth Vader started?

Bobby: What exactly has he started?

Zack: You know, I will say this for Kylo. I think he gets a bad rap. He’s trying to accomplish something that has never been done in the history of the galaxy. You know. Rule everything? That’s impressive. I admire the guy.

Kylo Ren: Yes, exactly. Exactly.

[Cut to Leslie teaching Kylo Ren to do some technician stuff.]

Leslie: Okay, okay. It’s real easy. All you gotta do is rewire the calcinator.

Kylo Ren: So, remove this?

Leslie: Does that look like the calcinator? What’s wrong with you? Why is it so hard for you to understand?

Kylo Ren: I don’t know. But can you please stop yelling me? You’re starting to stress me out.

Kylo Ren narrating: I have a new found respect for what my employees do.

Leslie: Okay, now can we rewire it please? So I can go have my muffin? I haven’t had my muffin yet, Matt.

Kylo Ren narrating: It’s not as easy as I presumed.

[A storm-trooper walks and bullies Kylo Ren]

Storm-trooper: Wad up, Matt? [kicking his tools]

Kylo Ren: Hey, you kicked my wrench! Jerk face!

[Cut to Kylo Ren walking in with his lightsaber.]

Look, I found Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. Look, it’s awesome.

Bobby: It’s nothing but dangerous, man! Poorly made like a little kid made it.

Kylo Ren: Then you don’t have to look at it anymore.

[Kylo Ren throws the lightsaber away]

[Cut to Zack]

Zack: I’m 90% sure Matt is Kylo Ren.

[Cut to Kylo Ren and Zack]

Yeah, this has actually been a rough year for my family. We lost our son back in April. He was in the storm-trooper program. And we’re getting by…

Kylo Ren: Wow, man… I’m sorry about that. Must be hard.

Kylo Ren narrating: Hearing that Zack lost his son really struck in nerve with me. Especially since I’m the one who killed him.

[Cut to Kylo Ren walks to Zack]

Kylo Ren: Hey, I ran into Kylo Ren in the bathroom. He told me to give you this.

[hands him a card]

Zack: After the rain comes the rainbow. [reading the written note] Sorry, I killed your son, Kylo.

Kylo Ren narrating: [showing a picture of storm-troopers with ‘Team Work’ written on it] This means something to me now.

[Cut to Kylo Ren, Zack and Bobby at the dining hall]

Kylo Ren: A buddy of mine saw Kylo Ren take his shirt off in the shower and he said that Kylo Ren had an 8-pack. That Kylo Ren was shredded.

Bobby: What? Your friend is a liar. Kylo Ren is a punk bitch. That guy looks like he weighs 30 pounds soaking wet underneath that little black dress.

[Kylo Ren is staring at Bobby and Bobby starts choking]

Zack: Jim? Jim?

Kylo Ren: Oh, no, he’s choking on food. [looking at Bobby] I know what’s in your mind, and it is stupid.

[Kylo Ren throws Bobby away just by gesturing]

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Dude, Matt straight up sucks!

[Kylo Ren walking in the dining hall]

Kylo Ren: I have a bombshell announcement to make, guys. I’m not Matt. I am–

Zack: Kylo Ren.

Bobby: Kylo Ren. You’re Kylo Ren. We know. I knew when you threw me through the soda machine.

Zack: I knew from, “Hi, I’m Matt.”

Kylo Ren: We really connected today. I’m promoting you to superior officer.

Zack: Thank you sir!

[Cut to Kylo Ren in his suit]

Kylo Ren narrating: I had a blast today. I really learned a lot and people are gonna love the new me.

[Kylo Ren leaves. Behind him was Zack lying dead.]

[The End]

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Quarterback’s Injury

Al Michael… Beck Bennett

Chris Collinsworth… Adam Driver

Jared Schleff… Pete Davidson

Michelle Tafoya… Cecily Strong

Lucas Kavner… Kenan Thompson

Bruce Erin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Al and Chris in their set]

Al: We’re back with 4th quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michael here with you along with Chris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, Chris.

Chris: It really has. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury, Green Bay has turned into a 4th string back who I’ve never heard of.

[Cut to Jared smiling with his team jersey on.]

Al: Jared Schleff has not taken a snap for Green Bay all year. [Cut to Al and Chris] But here he is in the biggest game of the season.

Chris: Well, the playoff is certainly where you’ll find the most unlikely of heroes.

Al: Absolutely. Let’s go down to the field where Schleff is in the shotgun.

[Cut to the ground. The game is on.]

He takes the snap.

[Opponent player breaks Jared’s legs too.]

Oh my god!

Chris: Oh! Sweet mercy!

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Um, folks. This is one of the worst injuries I’ve seen in my 40 year career.

Chris: That’s just devastating. I think watching that made me sick.

Al: Absolutely. No one should ever have to witness something that shocking. Let’s see it again.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Oh my god!

Chris: I do pray for him. I do.

Al: Absolutely.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not gonna subject you to that again… from that angle. This new angle is much better.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking from different angle]

Oh, wow! That new angle makes me thing this is CGI or something. Legs don’t do that.

Al: Yeah. [Cut to Al and Chris] Let’s go to our sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya who’s with Packer’s team doctor Lucas Kavner.

[Cut to Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Dr. Kavner, obviously a really tough injury for Schleff. Will be be back on the field?

Lucas: Well, it looked pretty bad but he’s a young man. I wouldn’t give up on him. I can’t diagnose it because I couldn’t really see what exactly happened.

Michelle: Oh, you know what? We have it right here.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Lucas: Oh, lord! Take my eyes.

[Cut to Lucas]

Blind me lord! Oh, he’s done. He’s done forever.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: We’ll check in with Michelle in a little bit

Chris: Obviously, this is a full contact sport. But nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling. Luckily we’ll never have to watch that clip again.

Al: And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again. [Cut to Bruce] Looks like Bruce Erin has turned the challenge flag.

Chris: Oh, he believes that Schleff fumbled the ball.

Al: But did he? Let’s take a look.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

I think that’s a fumble.

Chris: Remember, the play is dead when the front of you knee toughes the ground.

Al: Sure, but what about the back of your knee?

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: I don’t know.

Al: In the meantime, let’s go back to Michelle who’s with Jared Schleff.

[Cut to Jared, Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Um, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He’s holding a bible. Now he’s pulled out a gun. He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Okay. Let’s move on to something fun. Our AT&T fan pinion of the game. Tonight’s fan pinion is about… [Jared’s picture appears behind Al and Chris] Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared’s injury? Wast it! A, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that. B, that sound, that terrible sound. Or, C, knowing that somewhere deep down, this is why you watch football. [Cut to Al and Chris] Text us your answers. We’ll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback.

Chris: Looks like the coach is asking volunteers from the crowd. Big opportunity for the fans.

Al: Oh, wow!

[The End]

America’s Funniest Cats

Finn Raynal-Beads… Adam Driver

Joella Ru… Cecily Strong

Ruella Soup… Kate McKinnon

Producer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with America’s Funniest Cats intro]

Intro song: America’s looking at cat
America’s looking at cat
America’s funniest cats!

Male voice: With your host, Finn Raynal-Beads.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Hey there. I’m Finn Raynald, not Raynold, Beads. I don’t know how many times I have to throw a feed about that. I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else. But someone is responsible. That doesn’t just happen!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the great pet videos this week including this one from a cat owner who suspected that someone had been going through her drawers. Take a look.

[Cut to a cat pulling red panties out of the drawer.]

[making cat voice] Oh boy! I know they’re in there somewhere. Yes, these panties are gonna look great on this pussy’s booty. [cat looking at the camera] Oh! Sorry ma’am. It’s not what it looks like.

[Cut to Finn]

Alright! We got an amazing trade for you today. So apparently there’s a French version of this show and with me today are the two hosts, Joella Ru and Ruella Soup. Come on out here, ladies.

[Joella and Ruella walk in to the stage]

Okay, thanks for coming all the way from Paris you guys. Tell me little bit about your show.

Ruella: [in French accent] The show is called [unintelligible]

Joella: You know, because in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture. So you know, when we see this show of your’s, you know, we say, “We have to have this.”

Ruella: We no rest until we have the show.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Is that real or you guys like making fun of me?

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Ah, no, no, no. We just put fund at cat.

Ruella: They don’t care.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Okay. Then I’m gonna let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice-cream.

[Cut to a video of a cat with it’s face inside the ice-cream cup.]

Joella: Oh, this cat has seconds to live. She purposefully get out of oxygen.

Ruella: His life is too much to bear. He is quietly backing out of this world.

Joella: She will not be missed.

Ruella: That’s a funny cat.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Yeah, very funny cat.

Finn: Okay, wow. You guys doing a little different than us. We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with, sound effects and stuffs. Do you know what I mean?

[Joella and Ruella start speaking in French with each other.]

Ruella: We can try.
Finn: Oh, yes. Great! Throw some boyo-yos in there. I’m just gonna roll a bunch of clips and you guys just go crazy, okay?

[Cut to different video clips of cats]

Ruella: Boyoyo! This cat has neurological disorder. She cannot gaze this distance between herself and couch.

Joella: Boyoyo! This cat is certainly dead. That is despasm.

Ruella: Waka-waka! This cat also is dead. She is in her death costume.

Joella: This evil maniac cat has walked into a TV, will not come back the same.

Ruella: Say what? He will never trust the TV again.

Joella: Boyoyo!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. It’s a little dark. You know what we find fun? Giving the cat a silly voice like, “Oh, I’m the big fat cat and I can’t fit through the cat door, drip!”

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Oh yes. Okay. That stupid voice coming from a cat would make me laugh.

Ruella: I also was very close to laughing but then I remember I just lost my daughter in the custody, [unintelligible]

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Okay, let’s try one more before we go back to France forever.

Finn: Roll it!

[Cut to a video clip of cat stuck in a pot]

Joella: [making stupid cat voice] My husband is in here. My husband’s issues are in here.

Ruella: He died from drugs, but I don’t care.

Joella: He was troubled but he was mine!

Ruella: I don’t want to live anymore. I want to be in hell with him where all suicide go.

Joella: Oh, man! Here I come.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. Well, I’m getting word that my producer is here to tell me something. Hopefully privately.

[Producer walks in]

Producer: Well, it’s not. I want everybody to hear this. You’re cancelled.

Finn: Well great! I’m glad. I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show. I leave with my head held high.

Producer: Just pack your junk, Reynold-Beads.

[The End]

Aladin Magic Carpet Ride

Jasmine… Cecily Strong

Aladin… Adam Driver

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jasmine and Aladin flying over the clouds on the magic carpet]

Jasmine: Aladin, we’re so high up. I’ve never flown on a magic carpet before.

Aladin: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? But not as beautiful as you.

[singing] I can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid
tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide?

Jasmine: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view

Jasmine and Aladin: No one to tell us no or where to go

[a bird comes flying to Jasmine and dies in her hands]

Aladin: I really like you Jasmine. You’re different. Do you like meat.

Jasmine: Yes, I do. I’m sorry. Some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth. I need a minute.

Aladin: You’ll be alright, Jasmine. You’re safe with me. Just look how far we can see

Jasmine: Yeah, fish and it’s peak. Just, slow down a little. Okay? Like, I’m still into it. Just that was a lot.

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
a dazzling place you never knew

Jasmine: But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear

Jasmine and Aladin: That now I’m in a whole new world with you.

[a missile falls on Aladin’s head]

Jasmine: Oh, bomb, bomb, bomb! There’s a bomb.

Aladin: Oh, shoot! We must be over Syria.

Jasmine: Oh! I think I pissed my little thing I’m wearing.

Aladin: You’re not sorry you came with me, are you?

Jasmine: Oh, no, no, no. This is magical.

Aladin: [singing] I can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride

Jasmine and Aladin: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view
no one to tell us no or where to go

[gross liquid thing pours on Jasmine]

Jasmine: No! No! No! What just happened?

Aladin: [looking above] Oh, I think an airplane just emptied it’s toilet in the sky.

Jasmine: Um, Aladin, take me back to the palace.

Aladin: Wait, quiet. Something’s wrong with the carpet. I’ve gotta make some fast decisions now.

Jasmine: What’s going on?

Aladin: We’re losing altitude. I gonna try to put it down at that air-force space.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck at the base. They’re wearing military dresses.]

Leslie: Did you taste Charice’s cookies that she brought to the airport?

[Beck nods his head]

Now, a lot of people don’t like hard cookies. You know what I mean–

Beck: Hey, hang on Chris. We’ve got a distress call coming in.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin. Aladin is wearing a headphone.]

Aladin: May-day. May-day. Requesting emergency landing.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I see you pilot. You are clear for landing.

Beck: This is gonna be nuts.

Leslie: God be with them.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin landing at the air-base]

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: They did it. They landed.

Beck: And look, they’re in love.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin]

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
that’s where we’ll be
a wondrous place

Jasmine and Aladin: For you and me…

[Cut to Leslie and Beck looking at Jasmine and Aladin. Beck tries to kiss Leslie.]

Leslie: I am married!

Beck: How come you never talk about it then?

[The End]

Adam Driver Monologue

Adam Driver

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Before we start, just wanna say, congratulations Arizona cardinals. Welcome to the first show of 2016. Right now, it’s happening. I’m in a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Please, please, please go see it. If this one does well, it might make another. I’m so fortunate to be a part of such an illustrious franchise. Especially since I’ve been acting for only few years. Before that, I was in the military and I was very intimidating. We have a photo I think, to prove it.

[Cut to Adam Driver’s photo in a military uniform.]

[Cut to Adam Driver]

Back when the marines were accepting 12 year olds. But it really is an honor to be in Star Wars. Never, never ever will you find a more devoted fan base. They’re very intense.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: [laughing] I know. Star Wars fans, ridiculous, right? Quick question… [Taran pulls out his lightsaber] What happens in the next film, Adam?

Adam Driver: You know I can’t tell you that. They won’t even tell me that.

Taran: Oh, you can’t tell me coz the audience is here, right? Okay. I’m gonna ask you at the after party though.

Adam Driver: No, you won’t.

[Taran turns his lightsaber off and walks away]

I’ve been dealing with this all week.

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with his Kylo Ren’s mask on]

Hey, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, come on! It could be Kenan! Come on, it could be Kenan in here.

Adam Driver: It’s not Kenan. It’s Bobby. Where did you find that suit?

Bobby Moynihan: I made it.

Adam Driver: How much did that cost you?

Bobby Moynihan: $6,500.

Adam Driver: Bobby, take off the mask.

[Bobby Moynihan takes the mask off. He is wearing a wig.]

Bobby Moynihan: Okay. Sorry.

Adam Driver: Is that a wig?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah. It’s a wig. The wig was 800 bucks. Listen, I gotta know what happens to Kylo Ren, man. Does he die? Please, just tell me.

Adam Driver: Alright fine, I die.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, no!

Adam Driver: But, my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I’m alive all weekend.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, it’s perfect!

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Leave this man alone!

Adam Driver: Okay, what is your Star Wars question?

Leslie: Man, I ain’t see Star Wars. I wanna know why you weren’t in Martian with Matt Damon. Because y’all was the bomb in Goodwill Hunt.

Adam Driver: Leslie, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m Adam Driver, not Minnie Driver.

Leslie: Oh! You’re Adam Driver. Well I don’t know what the internet is talking about coz you are fine! Bobby got a picture of you up his bed.

Bobby Moynihan: Pop-pop-pop-pop! Come on, hey! We’ve got a great show tonight, okay? Adam Driver is here.

Adam Driver: Chris Stapleton here. We’ll be right back.

[The End]