Tag: episode 10

Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle]

[three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off]

[Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]

Dunkin Donuts

Female voice: Deck the halls with boughs of doughnuts. Real customers are telling you why their holidays run on Dunkin.

Vanessa (actual customer): All I want for Christmas is a Dunkin Pepper Mint Dunke-ccino.

Aidy (actual customer): With the Dunkin app, I can order and pay on my smartphone.  So my coffee is waiting when I come in.

Casey (actual customer): I f***ing love Dunkin. What are you talking about?

Alex (actual customer): Where else can I get a breakfast and the perfect stocking stuffer?

Casey (actual customer): You wanna talk real customers? Kid, that’s me. I’m like the mayor of Dunkins. This is the face of Dunkin Donuts right here.

Staff: Hey, you can’t smoke in here, man.

Casey (actual customer): I’m not! Come on, I’m not smoking in here.

[Casey has his hand holding cigarette out of the window]

Staff: You’re smoking in here.

Casey (actual customer): Cigarette’s outside. Is there a cigarette inside?

Staff: It’s coming in through the crack of the window.

Casey (actual customer): Yeah, I come to Dunkin every day. Grab a donut, have an extra large, take a big dump, that’s kind of the routine. Then I’m gonna seat right over there.  This douchebag will move when I’m ready.

Female voice: And with Dunkin rewards app, there’s even more reason to celebrate the season.

Casey (actual customer): Yo! Free coffee! I got the big one! I got a free coffee right there on the app. [showing his phone that’s all broken.]

Alex (actual customer): What are you doing here? Story telling or something? Huh?

Casey (actual customer): Well then, show and tell Dunkin Nuts! [Caseu covers “Do” out of “Dunkin Donuts”] Show that, brother.

Melissa (actual employee): It’s a season for holiday drinks like–

Casey (actual customer): Never mind that. Hey, interview my buddy Dewey for the movie right in. Dewey, tell them what your favorite donut is.

Dewey: No, I don’t want to be in it.

Casey (actual customer): Come on, pal. It’s a movie. Tell them how you like the vanilla nut taps.

Dewey: What?

Casey (actual customer): The vanilla nut taps. [hits Dewey on his nuts]

Dewey: Ou! You dog!

[Dewey pushes Casey.]

Casey (actual customer): [pushing Dewey back] It’s just a joke. Cut your nails for god sake!

Dewey: I couldn’t breathe, Donny! Oh, yeah, go outside.

Casey (actual customer): Best part of my day is when I’m at Dunkin. Do you think that’s sad?

Alex (actual customer): Yes, very.

Female voice: Real customers know the holidays run on Dunkin.

[Casey hits Alex’s car with a coffee]

Dewey: Go back to Starbucks!

[The End]

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out]

[banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router]

[sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Christmas Miracle

Dr. Bethel… Aidy Bryant

Cardinal Hanson… Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Doug… Casey Affleck

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson interviewing three people]

Dr. Bethel: I’m Dr. Bethel, professor of geology at Yale. And this is Cardinal Hansom from the council of miraculous phenomena.

Cardinal Hanson: As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.

Dr. Bethel: Yeah. We believe you’ve had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.

[Cut to the interviewees]

Sharon: This is nuts, man! I mean, we’re just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas eve and now we’re a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Indeed. Tell us what happened after you awoke.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs and Santa was standing there in our living room. Real as rain.

[Cut to Sharon]

Sharon: And he said, “Come with me to the North Pole”, and just like that we were on his sleigh with the reindeer and everything.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Huh, miraculous.

Dr. Bethel: And you, Ms. Rafferty?

[Cut to Colleen. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Colleen: Yeah, a little different for me. I’m crashing in their guest room, right? I came downstairs a little later. They were gone. And I was met by a nine foot tall goad man named Crinkle Mouse who according to some German fairytale is Santa’s helper. And he points a hoof at me and he goes [making animal sound]. And I kind of got the hint that I should come with.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And were you taken to Santa’s sleigh?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Oh, no, no, no, no. Crinkle mouse turns out travels by dog sled. Which sounds fun but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the freaking dog team. And these dogs don’t fly, they run. Let me tell you, if you think you can’t run as fast as a dog, you’re right. A minute in, I fall, get dragged for a mile over a forest floor and my sweats get yanked off. So, now there’s nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter. Look, wasn’t the worst time I have had on all fours.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Doug: Well, it sounds crazy but we were taken to Santa’s workshop, man. It was beautiful. And it smelled just like gingerbread. My beard still smells like it, ma’am.

Sharon: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. Warmed my tummy and my heart.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Colleen: [shocked] What? [Cut to Colleen] These two were in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, “You work!” Also I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs, that’s Mrs. Crinkle Mouse who looks more like a ram than a goat. She’s either jealous or a les, coz she starts ramming my knocker like– [Cut to Colleen and Sharon] Pardon me, Sharon. She’s going [starts rubbing her face on Sharon’s breasts]

Sharon: That’s enough. They get it, I think. They get it.

Colleen: Like that.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: And what happened next in the workshop?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, you’re not going to believe me, but the elves came out. We all sang songs.

Doug: Yeah. There were a bunch of cubby guys in fun pointy hats with these cute toes and noses.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yo, stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Golem. Smelled like a hard-boiled egg and I swear to god, this little bastard’s name was Shart.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Okay. Well, did he also sing and dance?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: No. No. He’s in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it’s time to check them for worms. Cut to I’m holding onto a lady reindeer, I’m keeping her steady while Shart is poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I’m 20, 30 feet off the ground and still rocking zero pants here. So my hog taker and log maker are on full display. Let’s just say I understand why Crinkle Mouse and company aren’t showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas cans.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Doug: God, I don’t think you had as good a time as we did.

Colleen: Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And how were you returned home?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, Santa sprinkled magic dust and the whole workshop dissolved around us.

Doug: Then we were back in our living room, Christmas morning. We went right out and loaded up the flat bed with Christmas ham for the poor, came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: [smiling] Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, so does Shart. Coz when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolved into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I tripped some sort of alarm so the cops show up and mind you, I am still pants-less. So now, I’m spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I’m thinking, “Dammit! Colleen, you’re becoming your mother.”

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Wow! Remarkable. Do you think you’ll ever see these spirits again?

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Sharon: No. But I feel St. Nick in my heart.

Doug: Yeah. I see him whenever I see a child smile.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs, so Shart can’t be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me hom.

[Cut to the window. Shart is knocking the window looking at Colleen. Colleen sees him]

Oh, boy! Great! What the hell am I going to feed that thing?

Christmas Bar

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Tony… Kyle Mooney

Jerry… Casey Affleck

Bouncer… Kenan Thompson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Police… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jessica speaking to her friend at the bar]

Jessica: I’m think I want to go ice skating this year. I haven’t been since I was a kid. And it feels like it’s still fun.

[2 approaches Jessica]

2: Excuse me. This is gonna sound totally crazy but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Jessica: I don’t think so. I have actually never been to Brooklyn. I’m just visiting.

2: It’s just… I can’t believe I’m saying this. I guess there’s something about you, you know? It’s just like, it’s comfortable. Like, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Hmm.

Jessica: My mom used to make that for me–

Jessica and 2: When I was sick.

2: Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry. What was your name again?

Jessica: Jessica.

2: Jessica, that’s right. I’m Tony. And I’m not rich or nothing. I just volunteer at a home for the elderly. But, um, would you maybe want to– [turns around and speaks to himself loudly] Tony, don’t do this. Do not do this. [looks at Jessica] Would you maybe want to have Christmas eve dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, Christmas eve dinner. Wow! I mean, Tony, we just met. I don’t really know.

[Jerry walks in]

Jerry: Excuse me, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I- I- I never interrupt people when they’re talking. But I just heard like an angel or something.

Jessica: Oh, me?

Jerry: Oh, wow, yeah. There it goes again. Now, whoof! Listen, I’m Jerry. I know I’m nothing special and I love my little deaf sister. But would you– I can’t believe I’m even standing here. Would you maybe wanna get Christmas dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, well, that’s nice.

2: Excuse me, Jerry. Um, you keep talking to Ms. Jessica here, it’s going to make me want to do– [talks to himself] Don’t say it, Tony. [looks at Jerry] It’s gonna wanna make me do something like this. [2 pulls out a knife]

Jerry: Oh! Wow! Well, I usually don’t stand up for myself. You know, I usually just let guys walk all over me. But, you know, when I see you do that, it makes me want to do something like this.

[Jerry pulls out a knife too]

Jessica: No! Tony! Jerry!

2: Wow! You know, I usually ain’t like this, but, um, I think I’m going to have to stab you.

[2 stabs Jerry]

Jerry: Oh! Argh! I can’t believe I’m saying this but that really hurt. Now I’m like, bleeding. [talking to himself] Don’t say it, Jerry. Do not say it. But I’m really bleeding.

[Bouncer walks in]

Bouncer: Guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I mean, I’m usually really shy. I guess I’m the bouncer. You know? And it’s stupid but I got to restrain you.

2: Okay.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: Hey, fellas. I know it’s none of my business, I mean I normally wouldn’t speak up at a time like this. But I just called 911. You know? And they said they can’t believe that they’re saying this. Don’t say this. But, they’re going to be here very soon.

Jessica: Why are you being shy? This man was just stabbed.

2: hey, Jessica. I know I’m nothing special, but your eyes sparkle like the moonlight.

Jerry: Hang on a second. I know I’m just a simple buy, you know, but my gut says he’s not right for you.

Jessica: Yeah, obviously. Are you okay?

[A police officer walks in]

Police: Oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but is this the victim you called about?

All: [crosstalk] Yes.

Police: Okay. And oh, this is totally insane. [talking to herself] Why you doing this, Tracy? but we’re going to pump you with 10 CCs of clotting agent.

Jessica: Um, stay strong Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, Ms. Jessica, I know this might not be the most opportune time, but if you just give me a chance, I think you will find out I’m a pretty fun guy.

Jessica: Of course you are, Jerry.

Police: Excuse me. I know I shouldn’t be interrupting but I think we’re losing him.

Jerry: I know, nobody asked me but I just saw a light and I really just want to walk towards it.

God: This is god. And I can’t believe I’m asking you this but, would you want to join me in the eternity or something?

Jerry: Oh my god! I can’t believe what I’m hearing but, yeah, I would like that very much, god! Ah!

[Jerry dies]

Jessica: Oh, Jerry.

2: I feel so self-conscious. But I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was all my fault.

Jessica: Of course it was.

2: Oh!

Casey Affleck Christmas Monologue

Casey Affleck

Alec Baldwin

John Goodman

Black Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Casey Affleck: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Wow, it’s great to be here hosting the show tonight. Ah! Saturday Night Live and I began the same year, 1975. We’re exactly the same age. And like SNL, people tend to say that I was a lot funnier back then too. I’m so happy they asked me to host the SNL Christmas show. But I kind of have to wonder, why me? I mean, why didn’t they get classic hosts like Will Ferrell or Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon or maybe someone cool like [Alec Baldwin walks in] Bruno Mars or [John Goodman walks in] Miley Cyrus [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman turn away and walk out] or Alec Baldwin and John Goodman. [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in again and stand quietly behind Casey Affleck]

[cheers and applause]

Although, that would be a little desperate, right? I mean, being in the first sketch and the monologue? A man’s got to have some dignity.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman look at each other and walk out again]

But I guess it makes sense that I’m here tonight because I’m in a new movie. That’s called ‘Manchester by the Sea’. Thank you. It opened wide last night and it’s an incredibly depressing picture. It is. It’s really a downer. I mean it’s great. I’m really proud of it. Please go see it.it’s a beautiful testament to what we’ll do for our family, for how everyone deserves a second chance and also to how unbearably sad movies can be. But it’s also great… but sad. But funny, but just crushingly sad. But it’s also not as sad as ‘Ocean’s Casey AffleckAlec Baldwin’, which I was also in. So, maybe give it a shot. Um, and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have this kind of scraggly beard and not in a Santa way but more like a ‘duck dynasty’ way. But I have to keep it. It’s for the next movie I’m doing which is animated [laughing] but that’s how committed I am to my craft.

All that aside, the real reason I belong here tonight is that I love Christmas. I love it more than anybody else. Christmas makes me happy. It touches something inside of me. [music playing] Although I’m not going to sing about it. [music stops] But the holidays, they just have a way of renewing us, reminding us of what we do have and the better future we can make. At Christmas time, it feels like anything is possible. [music playing] Um, except for singing. [music stops] That’s not gonna happen. But other things are possible.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in]

Alec Baldwin: Casey, you don’t have to sing to be a great host.

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin.

[cheers and applause]

You really think I don’t have to sing?

John Goodman: Yeah. I mean, between the three of us, we have hosted SNL 31 times.

Alec Baldwin: We believe in you just like we believe in another special guy with a beard. You might have heard of him, Black Santa Claus.

[Black Santa walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Black Santa: Yo, yo, yo! I’m just kidding. It’s ho, ho, ho.

Alec Baldwin: Ah! You take it from here, Black Santa

Black Santa: Oh, you got it, white Baldwin! Now, Casey, all you need to host a great show is a little Christmas magic. See?

[female voices carolling]

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow! Wow! You’re right. Look, it’s happening. Merry Christmas, Santa.

Black Santa: Actually, I’m Jewish.

Casey Affleck: Well, close enough. oh, we’ve got a great show.

[Alec Baldwin laughing hard]

Chance the Rapper is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Laura Parsin Says News

Laura Parsin… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: And now for our news castors of Tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news, tonight’s junior anchor is a twelve year old actress who’s in the up coming Nickelodeon movie ‘Study Break Tummy Egg’, please welcome Laura Parsin.

[Laura slides in]

Laura: Hi Michael. What a thrill it is to be here. News,

[singing] talking about news
live on the scene it’s 2016
[mumbling]

Michael Che: That’s so adorable. So, are you gonna report some stories for us?

Laura: I’d love to. [Cut to Laura] This week, Mexican fugitive Al Capone was captured after a escaping from prison. You may remember that Al Capone is merciless drug lord who is convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics. Including marijuana, heroin and cocaine!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, Laura, do you even know what cocaine is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Not exactly. But I think it’s a powder that makes your brain go, “I’m amazing”.

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I guess that’s right. Look, Laura, don’t you have stories that are more fun or silly? You know?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: The Oregon men are mad because they ask for supplies but instead, people end them dildos!

[Cut to Laura an Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s just get away from news all together. How did you spend your holiday break?

Laura: Well, I watched a lot of TV.

Michael Che: Great! That’s great!

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I loved the show Glee. It’s got wonderful singing and acting and dancing. Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me. Except the guy who plays Puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura: Police found there were a thousand pictures of naked kids!

Michael Che: Okay! Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week?

Laura: It sure did. Comedian Bill Cosby was released on bail.

Michael Che: Oh-oh. No!

Laura: He is so funny.

Michael Che: Laura, the case against Bill Cosby is very serious. I mean, do you even know what he did?

Laura: Um, I think so. [Cut to Laura] He gave some medicine to people even though they didn’t need the medicine.

Michael Che: That’s right. Laura Parsin, everybody!

Laura: [singing]

Michael Che: You’re doing a great job. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of arm protesters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The arm protesters in Oregon after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys. They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Applebee’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an Applebee’s salad. Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.

[Picture changes to

According to reports, former New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third party candidate. And I for one would love to see Bloomberg run against Trump. They’re both New York billionaires, yet they’re so different. It’s like the political version of the movie Twins. Bloomberg, he looks like he’d speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump looks like he yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks. Or maybe they should just team up. Trump is always saying, “I’m gonna get the smartest guys.” Bloomberg is the smartest guy. He could be the whole branch to the operation and live inside Trump like Krang from Ninja Turtles. But mostly I just want to see Bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone he’s taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces. Plus, if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the south is definitely gonna secede again. How do we even top that? We’d have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood. Pressure’s on, [Picture changes to Naveen Andrews in the series Lost] Sayid from Lost.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a ‘GuyFi’ booth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York city for men to masturbate in. Good! Coz I’m getting tired of doing it in Colin’s office.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Che: Ah! I’m kidding man. I would never… get tired of masturbating in your office.

Colin Jost: Come on, man! I sleep in there.

[Picture changes to a cigarette with written “Second-hand smoke”]

Michael Che: A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the US are exposed to second hand smoke. While the other half don’t have step-dads.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Arizona map and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! Big step-dad’s crew here tonight. Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse. I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse. “Hey you, what are you doing?” “Me? Nothing. I was just gonna have sex with a horse. Okay, you got me. I’m ISIS.”

[Picture changes to science experiment equipment]

A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common are Becky and Shaq.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a snake and Oregon map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two foot long python from a pet store from stuffing it down his pants. Yeah, said the man, “I’ll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger. It’s the one that just bit my penis.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a truck and Virginia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted if off him. And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.

Porn Doctor

Doctor… Adam Driver

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[The Doctor is in… My Butt 4 intro]

[Cut to Doctor]

Doctor: [talking on the phone] Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh no, he hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.

[Beck walks in. He is wearing sports shirt and shorts.]

Beck: Hi doctor. I need help with my body. [limping] Ou! Ou! Ooh! Ou! [sits on the chair] I hurt my big thigh during the big game right when I was bout to score.

Doctor: Well, maybe I can help you score. Right now. Where does it hurt?

Beck: Way up at the top part of my thigh. I don’t know. About a centimeter below my ball sack.

Doctor: Let me take a look. How does it feel when I do this?

[Doctor massages Beck’s thigh]

Beck: Ah! I don’t know doctor. I’m not gay.

Doctor: Are you sure?

Beck: Good point. I’m convinced. Let’s do sex.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, excuse me Dr. Rock Hard, I had a two o’clock appointment and I still have not been seen.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Huh?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah. All these big muscular guys keep cutting me but my mom said I need to see a doctor right away. I’ve been throwing up all day and my stomach is really sore.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Me too. My groin is sore.

Doctor: And I need to make it more sore.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: What? You’re gonna make it more sore? Alright! I mean, you’re the one who went to medical school. Not me.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Yeah. I graduated best top in my class.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! That’s awesome Dr. Rock Hard.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I’m always on bottom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, that’s nothing to brag about. Anyway, I’ll be in the waiting room with my mom. But please hurry Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out]

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: So, patient. You play soccer? Does that mean you’re good at juggling balls?

Beck: With my feet.

Doctor: Wow, that’s hot.

Beck: But there’s a problem, doctor. I don’t have health insurance.

Doctor: That’s okay. I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.

Beck: Oh-f!

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor. I kind of overheard because I wasn’t all the way gone yet. My mom also doesn’t have health insurance. So can we pay however he is paying?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um…

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I mean she does have health insurance but it doesn’t kick in until the first of the month. She has blue cross.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I have blue balls.

Doctor: Oh, no. You’ll need 50 CCs of boner, stacked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! All this medical talk goes right over my head. But I’m next right?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Are you positive?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah. But don’t tell or they’ll make me leave.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Whatever you say Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out]

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Oh no, doctor. Now my other big thigh hurts.

Doctor: You’re in luck. I got medication that cures anything. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to swallow it.

Beck: Why? Is it big?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. So big.

Beck: How big is it doctor?

Doctor: Too big for you to swallow.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, is it like a gel cap?

Doctor: A what?

Aidy: Coz I know those are big but I can get em’ down with water. And if not, my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes. So, please Dr. Rock Hard, give it to me. My stomach hurts really bad.

Doctor: I can’t give it to you. But I can give it to your mom. Hell, yeah!

Aidy: Oh, okay. That works too. Thank you Dr. Rock Hard. You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor’s office coz when she went on your website this morning, it crashed our whole computer. But I think you’re cool. So thanks for squeezing me in.

Doctor: I love to squeeze things in.

Aidy: I know. You’re gym packed today.

Doctor: About to be.

Aidy: Yeah. Well, it must be hard.

Doctor: It has to be hard.

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.

Doctor: I don’t have any hair.

Aidy: Okay, thanks.

[Aidy walks out]

Doctor: Now let’s get back to your big thigh. But, I think I need a second, third, fourth and fifth opinion.

[four more men walk in tearing off their shirts and touching each other]

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey, wait a minute. All beefed doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello?

[The End]

Golden Globes

Kevin… Adam Driver

Vanessa Bayer

Cody… Kyle Mooney

Madison… Kate McKinnon

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with Kevin and Vanessa receiving the Oscar Award]

Kevin: Dreamworks, this was your vision.

Vanessa: And thank you to Debbie Liberman and the whole team at CAA. And oh, and to this wonderful man beside me. My writing partner and my husband. Kevin, you are my rock.

Kevin: And of course to our two beautiful children, Cody and Madison, mommy and daddy did it!

Vanessa: And if you’re watching this, go to bed.

[Cut to Cody and Madison watching the Oscars on TV]

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed.

Madison: I’m not tired.

[Cody turns off the TV and lights]

[Cody and Madison are brushing teeth]

[Cody and Madison are praying]

Cody: Dear lord. Thank you for giving mommy and daddy a Golden Globe.

Madison: And please watch over us until they get home.

Cody: Amen.

[Cody tucking Madison inside the bed]

Madison: But we didn’t get our story.

Cody: You heard mom. We have to go to bed right now.

[Cody and Madison are on their beds staring at the ceiling]

Madison: Are you awake?

Cody: Yeah.

Madison: Do you think mommy and daddy are thinking about us?

Cody: I know they are.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party looking at their awards.]

Kevin: We won freaking Golden Globes.

Vanessa: This is the best thing that ever happened to us.

[Cut to Cody and Madison]

Madison: Mom looked pretty when she left. Do you think she’s ever gonna come back?

Cody: Yes, of course. [whispering] I don’t know.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party]

Kevin: I just turned next to Leo at the urinal. I saw his whole [bleep]. It’s huge!

Vanessa: I knew it. This whole night is so amazing.

[Cut to Cody and Madison sleeping. They wake by the owl’s noise.]

Madison: What is that?

Cody: It’s probably nothing.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa at the party. Vanessa is sniffing cocaine and Kevin is imitating the award as it’s his penis.]

[Cut to Cody and Madison waiting at home awake]

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa getting to another party where security stops them]

Security: Guys, guys, guys. Stars only.

Kevin: [bleep] you man! Don’t push my wife.

Vanessa: Be a man for once Kevin. Hit him.

Security: You don’t wanna hit me sir.

Kevin: Hold on to your hats. You’re about to get pounded.

[Kevin jumps on security]

[Cut to Cody. He looks at time and it’s 5 in the morning.]

[Cut to the security chasing Kevin and Vanessa]

[Kevin and Vanessa run. Vanessa falls down.]

[Kevin looks at Vanessa, turns around and runs.]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Hey! Come back here!

[Cut to Cody and Madison in the morning. They wake up and go downstairs looking for their parents. The award is broken on the floor.]

Cody: Look, I told you they’d come back.

[Cut to Kevin and Vanessa sleeping on the couch. They look hammered.]

[Cut to Liev Schreiber making breakfast at the kitchen]

Leiv: You kids like eggs? Good! Me too. Your parents are very cool people. Very cool. We had a good cool time. You kids can dress yourselves for school, right?

Cody and Madison: Um-hmm.

[Leiv starts making eggs and Cody and Madison go to get ready for school]

[Cut to Cody and Madison at the stairs]

Cody: I hate the Globes.

Madison: I love you big brother.

Cody: I love you too.

[The End]