Tag: episode 10

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.]

[cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey]

[cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Marcus Comes to Dinner

Richard… Sam Rockwell

Aidy Bryant

Tim… Alex Moffat

Marcus… Chris Redd

[Starts with Richard and Aidy waiting for the guests in home]

Richard: What time are Tim and his friend coming over?

Aidy: Okay, it’s Tim’s boyfriend, Richard. If we’re going to make an effort then we really have to make an effort.

Richard: Yeah. Boyfriend. I’m sorry. Their light has part I don’t like.

[Cut to Tim and Marcus outside the door.]

Tim: Yeah. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. Just we’ll be out of here in like an hour, tops. Okay?

Marcus: Yeah. If you say so.

Tim: Yeah.

Marcus: Um, do they know I’m a pornstar?

Tim: What? No. No. God. I didn’t tell them that. Why would I tell them that you are a pornstar?

[Aidy opens the doory]

Aidy: Timmy?

[Tim and Marcus walk inside the door]

Tim: Hey!

Aidy: Oh, come on in here, guys.

Richard: Hey.

Tim: How are you doing?

Richard: [looks at Marcus] Wait, um. Never mind.

Marcus: Oh.

Tim: Um, you know, we’re really happy to see you guys.

Aidy: Of course. Have a seat, you guys. You know, we are so happy to have our little angel home and you must be Marcus.

Marcus: Yes, ma’am.

Richard: Does Marcus seem familiar to you?

Aidy: How so?

Richard: I don’t know. Marcus, do I know you?

Marcus: Nah, we never met.

Richard: Really? I feel like I see you all the time. Are you working at that coffee shop on second or something? Where do I know you from? What do you do?

Marcus: Some freelance stuff.

Tim: You know, Marcus is a dental hygienist. He cleans teeth. It’s all he does.

[Aidy has a wine and wine opener in her hands]

Aidy: Oh, well, sweetie, there’s no need to be tensed. Your father and I are very much happy that both of you are here. You know, I am struggling with this thing. Can one of you open it?

Marcus: Oh, definitely. I will definitely.

[Marcus gets the wine bottle and the opener. He puts it between his legs and he is making noises while using his strength.]

Richard: I would disagree on a lot son. I’m getting used to your lifestyle. We can still be a fit family. [Richard is looking at Marcus making noises with a bottle between his legs] I was thinking maybe you could join us at church sometime.

Marcus: So hard sometimes, you know?

Richard: God, where do I know you from?

Tim: Hey, dad! Dad, can you just drop it?

Richard: You work at a Crunch? I know I’ve seen you.

Marcus: Yeah. That’s becoming very clear. Very clear.

Aidy: Well, you know boys, I got those sneaker doodle cookies that you like. They’re in the kitchen. You know, the thing about these two boys is that they share everything the same. They got the same taste in everything.

Marcus: Yeah. I’m very popular with certain type of democraphic.

Tim: Um, mom, how’s Kathleen?

Aidy: Well, she’s out of control. I mean she has two tattoos. Now, you don’t have any tattoos, do you Tim?

Tim: No, mom.

Aidy: What about you, Marcus?

Marcus: Well, I got a couple.

Richard: Couple of guns right above your butt. Oh! You’re a gay pornstar. That’s what it is. I feel so stupid. I got one of my top tier gay pornstar in my house and we’re giving him cookies. I can’t believe I wore this shirt to meet Marco Pumpgood like an idiot. I have cuter shirts, just so you know. See, I got confused earlier because you kind of look like Jason Thrust. But I thought, “No, no, he hasn’t been with the cocky boys for like..”, I don’t know, three years. But, you both went on that Palm Springs getaway together? Boy! As soon as I saw that trailer, that’s when I finally subscribed. Just bootlegging off that tube size for that but I wasn’t about to wait a whole week for that scene. Well, [walks to the door and gets his coat] anyhow, I guess I’m getting a divorce. Now, I’m probably stepping down this pastry. Goodbye, family.

[Richard walks out]

Aidy: Well, okay. So, that was a lot to take.

[Richard walks in again and takes his laptop with him]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And you’re gonna need your laptop. Sure. Okay. Well, so, Pumpgood, is that Irish or?

Marcus: Um, no, ma’am. It’s from porn.

Aidy: Yeah. I know that. It was a joke. My marriage just fell apart. Will you let me have one thing?

[The end]

Fashion Panel

Rochelle Koontz… Cecily Strong

Dean Swizz… Sam Rockwell.

Angelo Dolphintuna… Kenan Thompson.

Silvia Nunez… Melissa Villaseñor

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ‘E’ intro]

Female voice: You’re watching E. It’s okay. You also read books.

[Cut to the set of ‘The Look’]

Rochelle Koontz: Welcome to ‘The Look’, E’s red carpet run down where we are now fashion positive. The times are changing and we’re trying to keep up. Ha-ha-ha. So I have read. I’m Rochelle Koontz and joining me is my co-host, Dean Swizz.

Dean Swizz: Thank you Rochelle, my favorite woman in E. Hey, on the count of three, let’s just say what we get paid. One, two, three. $600,000

Rochelle Koontz: $40,000

Dean Swizz: Okay. That backfired.

Rochelle Koontz: Sure did. Alright, today we’re joined by panel regular and stylist to the stars, Angelo Dolphintuna.

[Angelo Dolphintuna joins. He is wearing a suit and a luxurious fur outer.]

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yes. And please checkout my new book, ‘Work, Bitch: How I overcame prostate cancer.’

Dean Swizz: We love that.

Rochelle Koontz: We love that. Alright. And in the spirit of this year’s Golden Globes, we are delighted to welcome our guest panelist, Silvia Nunez. [Silvia Nunez joins] Director of ‘Our House Women’s Shelter.’ Silvia, why don’t you tell us a little bit about the work you do.

Silvia Nunez: At our house, we provide women–

Rochelle Koontz: [interrupting] Amazing.

Dean Swizz: Someone should provide women.

Rochelle Koontz: Yeah. If you’re watching to look, so let’s see those Golden Globes looks. [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] First up, it’s Kate Hudson wearing Valentino. Panel, how do we feel about this look?

Dean Swizz: Ooh, I’m gonna say she looks empowered?

Angelo Dolphintuna: Yeah. She definitely looks as good as a man, if not, better. Can I say that?

Rochelle Koontz: You know what? I don’t even see a dress. I see a CEO. What do you think, Sylvia?

Silvia Nunez: Um, I think she looks beautiful.

Dean Swizz: Really? Really, Silvia? Beautiful? Let’s try and not to just judge people based on their looks.

Silvia Nunez: This show is called ‘The Look.’

Rochelle Koontz: Ah! [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay, next up, we have Eva Longoria rocking that pregnancy glow.

Angelo Dolphintuna: Okay. The hair. The make up. The jewelry. I wanna say all went to college?

Rochelle Koontz: Or even Harvard.

Dean Swizz: I hope her babies are girls so she can change the world more. Oh, wait. [listening to his earpiece] I’m hearing it’s a boy. Well, boo.

Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna: Boo.

Dean Swizz: We hate that, right Silvia?

Silvia Nunez: Why is that bad?

Dean Swizz: Maybe you’re right. Maybe he will be gay.

[Rochelle Koontz, Dean Swizz and Angelo Dolphintuna clap]

Rochelle Koontz: Well, before women were brave, this next segment was called ‘Puker Bar.’ But now it’s called ‘I respect her choice.’  Angelo, you’re up first with Debra Messing.

Angelo Dolphintuna: [Video appears at the right bottom of the screen] Okay. Normally, I would say something like, “This hoe look like she got dressed by friendly mice.” But because of Twitter, I’m gonna say, “I respect that bitch’s choice.”

Dean Swizz: Okay. Well, we are so excited for today’s special guest.

Rochelle Koontz: Yes. She’s an actress. But she also has opinions. Please welcome Frances McDormand.

[Frances McDormand joins]

Frances McDormand: Hello. Get that out of there. Get that our of there.

Rochelle Koontz: No, that’s your camera.

Frances McDormand: Oh. Sorry. So, why was I, you know, booked for this?

Rochelle Koontz: Because we want raw powerful females represented on this show. And I don’t count.

Dean Swizz: McD, I saw this movie you were in. Three Billboards. It went straight over my head. But I do know you’re a sassy lady.

Frances McDormand: Well, in [bleep], it was really a [bleep] and I feel so [bleep] to have played a character like [bleep].

Rochelle Koontz: Oops. Sorry. You know, I think we accidentally bleeped a lot of what you just said.

Frances McDormand: Okay. It happens. I’m not cursing. It’s just the tone of my voice.

Rochelle Koontz: Well, congratulations on your Golden Globe. Now, are you wearing the same dress from the award?

Frances McDormand: Yeah. This is the dress. It’s from a production in 92.

Rochelle Koontz: Wow, we love that. Women can do anything.

Frances McDormand: Can I punch you in the face?

Dean Swizz: Ha-ha-ha. There it is. Right, Silvia? You wouldn’t kick her out of your house.

Silvia Nunez: My house for battered women?

Dean Swizz: Wow. Stepped in it.

Rochelle Koontz: Alright. This has been ‘The Look’ on E, reminding you that women are powerful and strong. Stay tuned for all new episode of ‘Fat whores of Miami beach.’

Chantix Commercial

Kelly… Cecily Strong

[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]

Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.

Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.

Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.

Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.

Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.

Kelly: Alright.

Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.

[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]

Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.

Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.

Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…

Female voice: For acting?

Kelly: We won for custumes.

[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]

Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.

Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.

[Cut to Kelly sitting on a sofa in her living room]

Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”

Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.

[Cut to Kelly crying]

Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”

Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.

Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]

Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–

[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]

Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.

Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.

[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]

Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.

Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.

Kelly: I’m talking full bush.

ATM

Kate McKinnon

Sam Rockwell

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with a car pulling over in the streets. It’s very dark.]

[Cut to Kate and Sam inside the car]

Kate: Wait, what are we doing? We’re stopping?

Sam: Yeah. Gotta get some cash.

Kate: [pointing towards ATM vestibule] In there?

Sam: That’s a bank, ain’t it?

Kate: I just– I don’t want to stop in this neighborhood.

Sam: Relax. It’ll be like, two minutes.

Kate: Okay. Well, hurry up.

[Sam opens the vestibule door using his card. Kenan comes running in the rain.]

Kenan: Yo, yo, yo, hold that door.

[Sam holds the door for Kenan. Kenan gets in and is cleaning up. He is a black man wearing a red sweatshirt. Sam looks at him and gets nervous. He doesn’t want to cash out in front of Kenan.]

Sam: You know what? You can go ahead if you want to.

Kenan: No man, you were first.

Sam: No, I’m not really in hurry. It’s fine.

Kenan: Neither am I. Go ahead, man.

Sam: You know what? It’s silly. I think I grabbed the wrong card.

[Sam and Kenan look at each other for some time]

Kenan: Oh, I get it. A black man followed you in here dressed like this. And now all of a sudden you grabbed the wrong card, huh?

Sam: No. No. No.

Kenan: Yo, I work my ass off 60 hours a week so I don’t have to steal from you or anybody else, alright?

Sam: It’s late, okay? You ran in here. I guess I got a little rattled, alright?

Kenan: Well, ay, here’s a tip. Not every black man is a damn thief, you racist bastard!

Sam: Okay. Sorry. I swear I’m not a racist, okay?

Kenan: Well, then, go first.

Sam: Alright. Fine. I’m gonna go first.

[Sam walks to the ATM machine and takes some cash out.]

Kenan: Yo man, ain’t you gonna count it? Make sure it’s right?

Sam: Yeah, it’s all here.

Kenan: Great. Well, then, give it to me. Give me the money.

[Kenan puts his hand inside his sweatshirt. It looks like he has a gun. Sam puts his both hands up.]

Sam: Hey, man. Um…

Kenan: [laughing] Ah! I was just kidding, man. Look how scared you were, man. You see that, right?

Sam: Yeah. You got me. Wow.

Kenan: We gotta stop that. Have a good night man.

Sam: Okay, man.

[Kenan walks to the ATM machine]

Hey man, I’m sorry again. Thank you for– I’m not a racist.

Kenan: No sweating, man. But hey, maybe next time, don’t freak out just because a black man wants to use the ATM machine.

Sam: Alright, fair enough. Sorry about that. Sorry, man.

[Sam walks out. There are a bunch of black young guys walking in.]

Chris: Yo, hold that door, man.

[Now Kenan is scared]

Kenan: Oh my good lord. Please don’t.

[Chris and his group walk in]

Chris: Hey, yo, what’s up, man? How you feel? What’s good, bitch? You’re using machine or what?

Kenan: Um, you know, you guys can just go ahead.

Chris: Oh, no. No. I wanna go second. I’m mad patient.

Kenan: The thing is I might have grabbed the wrong card.

Chris: Try it, dog. I’m feeling lucky, for you. Go ahead. Yeah. Be brave.

[Kenan walks to the machine. He slips a little.]

Ay! Watch yourself, big man.

[Kenan’s hand is shaking while putting his card into the ATM machine]

Hurry up, bitch! Come on. What? You nervous a black man walk in here, just wanna use ATM?

Kenan: No, my brother.

Chris: What’s taking you so long, dog?

Kenan: I told you it doesn’t seem to be working.

Chris: You try it again, dog. Come on. Breathe, man. Are you crying?

Kenan: No.

[The boys are laughing]

Chris: [yelling] Everybody stop laughing. I’m tired of waiting on you, dog.

Kenan: I wanna go home.

Chris: Suck it up, man!

[Kenan is crying]

[Cut to  Sam getting in his car.]

Kate: Can we get out of here? Coz I saw some sketchy looking guys earlier.

Sam: What do you mean sketchy?

Kate: You know, they were–

Sam: Black? You know, honey, you can’t just judge people by the way they look, you know. I mean, for all you know, they are hard working honest people just like us.

[Behind Sam, we can see that Chris and his friends are beating Kenan up.]

Kate: God, you’re right.

[Cut to Kenan getting beat up]

Kenan: Why don’t you just swipe the card? I wanna help you guys.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kate and Sam]

Sam: You know, you look really beautiful.

[Sam leans forward to kiss]

Kate: Whoa! No kissing.

Sam: Oh, that’s right. Because you’re a prostitute.

Kate: Yeah, that’s the rule.

[Cut to Kenan getting beat up]

[The End]

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jackie Evancho at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that in Trump’s inauguration, the national anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho who finished in second place on America’s Got Talent. Though she somehow won America’s Got Talent electoral college. [Michael Che laughing]

[picture changes to Australian flag and potatoes]

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Women’s March logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The organization planning the Women’s March on Washington on January has released the official logo for the event. It’s a great logo because like many feminists, it pushed the white women in the front.

[Cut to a person using a smart phone]

According to a new survey, 70% of the people say that their relationships have been hurt by fubbing, which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. Fubbing is not as I assumed when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Never fubbed Jost?

Colin Jost: Never fubbed. Excited for it. Earlier today, New York got it’s first major snowfall, which is fun because now you know which Deli has the most rats.

Michael Che: That’s so gross. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Colin Jost]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, it’s the last Weekend Update of the year.

Speaker Michael Che: That’s right.

Speaker Colin Jost: And in the spirit of the holidays, we thought we try to rescue some jokes that got cut earlier in the year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panda at left top corner.]

Alright, here it goes. Gia Gia, the world’s oldest panda passed away this week at the age of 38. Gia Gia died after suffering a stroke stroke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Speaker Colin Jost: Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with a driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chocolate World logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Hershey’s Chocolate World at Pennsylvania is preparing for its 100 millionth visitor. And to celebrate, I’m about to make my eighth visit to Jerry’s Chocolate World [Picture changes to a board of strip club] by the airport.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Speaker Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Robot Presentation

Kate McKinnon

Fred Armisen

Helix 900… Beck Bennett

Helix 950… Kyle Mooney

Casey Affleck

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Kate and Fred on their presentation.]

Kate: Hello, welcome everybody. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

Fred: Thank you. Thank you.

Kate: Thank you all so much for coming to the 2016 Microsoft Tech Expo.

[music playing]

Fred: Today we are excited to introduce our latest advancement in robotic programming, the Helix 900.

[Kate and Fred walk to Helix 900]

Kate: Helix 900 is a robotic employee with processing speed 50 times faster than a computer.

Fred: Which means he can increase office efficiency by 9,000%, guaranteed!

Kate: But enough talk! What do you say we turn him on?

[audience clapping]

Alright.

[Kate turns Helix 900 on]

Fred: Alright. Introducing Helix 900.

Helix 900: Hello. I’m Helix 900. I am programmed to translate any language, read any document under 1.4 milliseconds, and store up to 50 terabytes of data. Also, I am attracted to men. I like the way their bodies look. Men are sexy to me.

Fred: Okay, great! Helix 900, everyone.

[applause]

Kate: Thank you. Thank you. Helix. Does anyone have any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry, yes. I feel weird asking this. But…

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no! Of course, ask anything.

Fred: That’s what the demo is for.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Um, why did he just say that he was attracted to men?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Oh, well, because Helix 900 identifies as homosexual.

Fred: That’s right. He’s a gay robot.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh, okay. Cool. But why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Umm… why not?

Fred: It’s 2016?

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Oh! Right, right, right. Of course. I’m sorry I asked.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Great! [music playing] Now, would anyone like to test Helix 900’s programming? Go ahead, ask him anything. You!

[Cut to audience]

Alex: Um, yeah, [looking at his mobile phone] Helix 900, what is 4,981 times 22,912.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: 114,124,672.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, that was fast.

[Cut to Helix 900]

Helix 900: Also, I can’t get enough of men’s bodies. I’m sexually attracted to them. Sex with men is the type of sex I like.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Wow! This is impressive, right?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, I’m sorry. It’s a work machine, right? I mean, you made him to help people work?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, that’s correct.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay, well then why is he talking so much about being gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay. Okay. So you don’t mind a gay robot as long as they don’t talk about being gay?

Fred: I’m sorry Cindy, do we still live in the stone age?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Wait. Am I wrong? [asking others in the audience] Am I being homophobic?

Aidy: Oh, I don’t want to get involved in this.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Let’s keep moving. [music playing] Helix 900 also has the most advanced life like movement of any of the Helix models. Should we take him for a spin? Helix 900, walk.

[Helix 900 starts jump-walking like a girl]

Helix 900: Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through. Here I go. Watch out. Coming through.

Kate: Perfect. Thank you so much, Helix. Sir, did you have a question about that?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Um, yeah, but I don’t really want to ask it.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: No, no, no. Come on. Ask it. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Okay then, did you guys program it to, like, walk gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Um, I personally didn’t see him ‘walk gay’. I just saw him… walk. Am I right, Cindy?

Kate: Yeah, yeah. Are you saying all gay people walk the same or…?

Fred: I gotta say dude, it’s weird how obsessed you are with Helix 900’s sexuality.

Kate: Yeah, I bet most of these other people didn’t even notice he was gay. Right, guys? Did you notice?

[Cut to the audience]

Aidy: Ummm….

Kenan: I don’t want to answer.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Well, buckle up because we have a surprise for you. Introducing our even more advanced model, the Helix 950.

[The door behind them open and Helix 950 walks in]

Helix 950: [talking sassy] Hey! I’m Helix 950. I have built in wireless capabilities and super fast processing.

Kate: Great! Any questions?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: So, this robot is also gay?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Yes, but how could you tell?

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Well, coz you programmed his voice to be so—

Kenan: Oh boy, you really stepped in it now.

Casey: Ah! You’re right. Never mind. I support both of the gay robots and I hope they’re happy. Are they a couple, or?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Are they a couple? No, they’re not each other’s types.

Kate: FYI, not every gay robot is attracted to every other gay robot.

Helix 900: I like little Latin men.

Helix 950: And I like big strong men that can dominate me.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: Oh, good. That’s great.

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Kate: Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break, but when we come back, we’ll demo our new Helix 1000.

Fred: He is also gay but still in the closet, so please don’t say anything.

[Cut to the audience]

Casey: What? Whoa! Whoa! Why?

[Cut to Kate, Fred and Helix 900]

Fred: Because he’s not ready and that’s okay.

New York Now

Jen Jen Binks… Vanessa Bayer

Sara Hors… Sasheer Zamata

Nate Rivers… Kyle Mooney

Penny… Kate McKinnon

Ronnie… Casey Affleck

Mary Kay… Cecily Strong

Isaac… Chance the Rapper

Robin… Mikey Day

[Starts with Jen Jen Binks and Sara Hors in their set]

Jen Jen Binks: Welcome to another installment of New York now.

Sara Hors: The show where we fill you on what’s happening around the city. I’m Sara Hors.

Jen Jen Binks: And I’m Jen Jen Binks. It’s no secret when it comes to Christmas, New Yorkers know how to celebrate.

Sara Hors: That’s right. And our own Nate Rivers has a special report on a very unique nativity pageant that’s bringing the laughs to long islanders.

Jen Jen Binks: Take it away Nate.

[Cut to Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: Thanks, ladies. Today I’m on the set of Silent Night, HIlarious Night, a Christmas nativity pageant with a broad comedic take on the birth of Christ. Let’s take a quick look at some extremely funny highlights.

[Cut to show video]

Penny: Joseph, where have you been?

Ronnie: Well, I was just looking at the bill from the inn keeper.

Mary Kay: They gotta get out of here. [hold’s a lamb poster] I’m gonna ride home in my lamb-orghini.

Ronnie: What did the wisemen bring?

Penny: Well, they brought frankincense myrrh and peanut brittle.

[Cut to Penny, Ronnie, Mary Kay and Nate Rivers]

Nate Rivers: I”m here now with the show’s creators, Penny, Ronnie and Mary Kay.

Ronnie: Hello.

Mary Kay: Hi.

Penny: Welcome.

Nate Rivers: Your show has been getting quite a bit of buzz.

Ronnie: Oh, we know.

Mary Kay: We’re blessed.

Penny: We’re sold out almost every night.

Nate Rivers: Tell me about your pageant and what makes it so special.

Ronnie: Well, we took the story of Christ and we just blew it out.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. We kept the basic plot and then we just added tons of jokes.

Mary Kay: Tond!

Ronnie: So many jokes.

Nate Rivers: Sounds hilarious. And you act in the show as well?

Penny: Yeah, we kind of had to. You know, we had kids in it but we had to let them go. Coz the kids just have no comedic instinct. They’re not funny like us.

Mary Kay: They’re not half as funny. That’s the whole show.

Ronnie: Well, you got to get the laugh.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. So, in this show, I play Mary.

Ronnie: And I play Joseph. And I’m always saying [loudly] “My wife”, which is like from the “Borat” movie of course.

Penny: Yeah, yeah. WE borrow jokes that we like.

Mary Kay: Yeah, and my character is just like their nosy neighbor, you know? Always looking out of my window going, “What are they up to?”

Penny: Yeah, which is already funny because [gibberish] — the whole idea of a neighbor at Christ’s birth.

Nate Rivers: Wow! And you thought you were funnier than the kids?

Mary Kay: That’s right. We had to get rid of the kids.

Penny: Yeah. They weren’t funny.

Ronnie: Well, yeah. There’s this one part where she’s just giving birth to Jesus, and I look over and say, “Mary, high-five, we did it.”

Penny: And I’m like, “We? I would love to know how ‘we’ accomplished any of this.”

Ronnie: And then I say, “Don’t make me horny baby,” which is from the Austin Power’s film.

Mary Kay: [laughing] And then I come in, I look at the donkey and I say, “Talk about a jackass, right?” And you know, those are the kind of jokes that the kids enjoy but just can’t execute.

Penny: Oh, this is good, come here. My husband Isaac plays the three wise men. Look at him. Do little of your song.

[Isaac walks in. He has two other puppets wearing human clothes attached on both his sides.]

Isaac: It’s us, the three wisemen. We brought you this gift. Enjoy this. Take away, fellas.

[music playing]

[singing] Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men
Da-da-da-da-da-da, three wise men

[Isaac walks out]

Mary Kay: Is that great or is that great?

Ronnie: Now you see, not oly can a child no perform the adult humor, but they couldn’t physically carry the puppets. So…

[Robin walks in]

Robin: Ma? Ma?

Penny: What? What Robin?

Robin: Do you have time to talk to me later?

Penny: No. I’m doing my pageant thing right now. All day.

Robin: I want to talk to you about sex and drugs.

Penny: No. Not right now.

Robin: [yelling] You’re letting me down, ma!

[Robin leaves]

Mary Kay: See? Kids! This is why they can’t be a part of what we’re doing here.

Penny: No, no. They can’t see bigger than them.

Nate Rivers: Wow! Thanks so much. I can’t believe I got through this interview with a straight face. [laughing] If you’re in the Long Island area, be sure to check out the funniest birth of Jesus you’re likely to ever see. For New York now, I’m Nate Rivers.

Ronnie: Ha-ha. [shouting] My wife!