Tag: episode 13

Bridgerton Intimacy Coordinator

Phoebe… Chloe Fineman

Regé-Jean Page

Director… Kate McKinnon

Richie… Mikey Day

Randy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Bridgerton intro]

[Cut to a scene of Phoebe and Regé-Jean]

Phoebe: It is you that I want, your grace. You and only you.

Regé-Jean: I burn for you, Daphne.

Director: And cut. Oh my gosh, guys. Amazing. Such passion that was great. Now, this next thing involves nudity and simulated intercourse. So, we’re going to clear the set. And Regé, Phoebe, we’ll have a brief rehearsal with the intimacy coordinator to make sure you both comfortable with the scene.

Regé-Jean: Oh, excellent. Is Paula back? She’s fantastic.

Phoebe: Yes, I feel very, very safe with her.

Director: Unfortunately, Paula had a covid exposure at her fund raiser for covid relief, but Netflix has provided backup. So, um, guys?

[Richie and Randy walk in]

Richie: Hey, how you doing? I’m Richie, the Intimacy Coordinator. This is my nephew, Randy, assistant IC.

Randy: Hey, how you doing?

Phoebe: Nice to meet you.

Regé-Jean: I think I saw you guys by the bagel table earlier. I thought you were lighting guys.

Richie: Oh yeah, close. Um, we work as special effects for years.

Randy: Yeah. Explosions, wind, gross-out stuff.

Richie: Yeah. But not a lot of people getting puked on on movies coz of covid. So, we took a Zoom and got certified to do all the sex scene stuff.

Director: That’s great. You seem very qualified. Now, any questions about script?

Randy: Ah, didn’t read it. Seemed like a girl show to me.

Richie: Yeah, but we get the jest. You two are brother and sister. You’re banging each other. Good stuff.

Phoebe: What? No. That’s disgusting. We play husband and wife.

Regé-Jean: Why would you think we’re playing brother and sister?

Richie: I don’t know. It’s Netflix. They got some dark stuff on there, you know what I mean? Now, Netflix requires modesty garments. We made available. We got a bunch of beave sleeves and dong bags here for you.

Regé-Jean: Are those clean?

Richie: Yeah. I mean–

[Randy smells them]

Randy: Yeah, yeah.

Richie: Yeah. And for the lady, we got these pasties which we invented, our design.

Phoebe: Why are they green?

Randy: Oh. So they can green screen in someone else’s nips.

Phoebe: Oh, thoughtful, but no thank you.

Director: Are you sure? Because there’s actually something to this. We could green screen in a guy’s nipples and then we could play this on any network.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, no! Look, not my nipples, no one’s nipples. No. Maybe we can just walk through the scene and you’ll see what we rehearsed.

Richie: Yeah, great. We’ll just observe, make sure everything’s kosher.

Director: Sounds good. Okay. Thank you.

[Phoebe and Regé-Jean get on bed]

Regé-Jean: So, Phoebe and I thought that if I shift my body this way, then I would cover her a bit more.

Richie: Yeah. Well, actually, you guys wanna tap out for a second? This might be better actually. [Phoebe and Regé-Jean get out of bed] Thank you. Now, Daphne, if you’re comfortable with it, [lying on bd] you’re like this, “Oh”. You know? You could just pop on to all force like this. [posing like porn’s doggy style]

Randy: And Bridgetown, you get behind like this. [posing like he’s having sex with Richie from the behind] Right? One knee down and one foot up. You know what I’m saying?

Richie: Yeah. And if you’re looking for a laugh, Daphne, you can say, “Shh, don’t let mom and dad hear.”

Regé-Jean: Right, we’re not brother and sister.

Richie: Right, right, okay. Here we go. Take it or leave it, okay? You go like this, Daphne. “Oops, wrong hole, dumb ass.”

Regé-Jean: Absolutely not.

Randy: Then he goes, “Oops, sorry”, but then you wink at the camera like, “It wasn’t an accident.”

Richie: Yeah. I mean like, that’s just fun.

Regé-Jean: Deidre, can you help us here? Please.

Director: Um, yeah. Daphne, she wouldn’t say, “Dumb ass”. She would say, “Wrong hole, your grace.” So…

Regé-Jean: No, no. Let’s not try that.

Phoebe: I mean, we might as well shoot to as like an option.

Regé-Jean: Phoebe, no. Deidre, I think we’ll be okay without these Intimacy Coordinators. We know each other’s boundaries. We’ll just do what we rehearsed.

Richie: Okay, great. Well, have a great sex scene. Have fun. We’ll be here. Excellent.

Director: Great. Well, if you two feel okay, let’s just try and shoot one. And, can we get the body make up folks in?

Richie: Yeah, that would be us too. Sorry, bunch of your crew were at that super spread of fund raiser.

Randy: Alright. Who’s looking for patchy. We got a bunch of fake pubes.

Richie: Yeah. Here we go.

Actors Spotlight

Pam Barrett… Ego Nwodim

Kingsley Ben-Adir… Regé-Jean Page

Daniel Kaluuya… Chris Redd

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Pam hosting the show]

Pam: What’s up, guys? Pam Barrett here with you on After Spotlight, where we highlight a profession the media often overlooks – Actors. We have three incredible guests with us today. First, Kingsley Ben-Adir is having a moment. He plays Malcom X in acclaimed movie “One night in Miami”. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Kingsley: That’s why this move that we are in is called struggle. Because we are fighting for our lives.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Thank you for being here.

Kingsley: [with accent] Wonderful to be here as well.

Pam: I’m sorry. Say that again?

Kingsley: Um… Wonderful to be here.

Pam: Wait… You’re British?

Kingsley: Yeah, that’s right.

Pam: Oh my god. Your accent, you changed it. You tricked me.

Kingsley: I mean, well, I am an actor. It’s my job, ain’t it?

Pam: [laughing hard] Ain’t it? Yeah, it is. You so crazy, Kingsley. Wow. Okay, you know, let’s go to Daniel Kaluuya who is getting some Oscar buzz for his movie “Judas and the black Messiah”. Here, he is a Black Panther party leader Fred Hampton. Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Daniel: I believe I’m here and I’m doing what I was born for because I live for my people. Because I love the people. I’m gonna fight for the people. Because I will die for the people.

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: An amazing performance.

Daniel: [with accent] Hello love. You alright, yeah?

Pam: Hold up. Another one? You’re British too?

Daniel: I suppose so, yeah?

Pam: [laughing] Oh my god. Okay, this is so crazy. Were you British when you made “Ghetto”?

Daniel: Hah? Indeed I was. Yeah.

Pam: I’m just so impressed. God, what can’t you two do?

Kingsley: Well, I mean, looks like we can’t carry a legal American passport.

Pam: [laughing hard] Oh my god. You just thought that right now? Okay. And finally, Ice Cube is here. He is in new movie coming out in Hulu Atlanta called “Are we there yet? And if not, why?” Take a look.

[Cut to the movie scene]

Ice Cube: Yo! Get your ass in this car. We gotta get there. Man, if you don’t get in here, we’ll never get there!

[Cut back to the show]

Pam: Welcome, Cube.

Ice Cube: Well, lovely to be here. It’s a real tippy-topper.

Pam: Hold up. Are you trying to do the British accent?

Ice Cube: Na, na. I’m actually Bri-ish. [trying to speak with accent]

Pam: Cube, come on. You don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: Do what? Be a young handsome cri-ikly acclaimed Bri-ish actor (critically acclaimed British actor)? I’m British from Jolly Old London town.

Kingsley: You’re from London, yeah? I was born off Kentish town. What part you from?

Ice Cube: Oh me? Ma, I grew up in tickle buckle circle.

Kingsley: Yeah, I’m not sure I’ve heard that one, mate.

Ice Cube: Oh, come on, mate. It’s right near muggle pipas cross.

Pam: Come on. You’re Ice Cube. You’re from South Central Los Angeles. It’s in every one of your songs. You know, I know a lot of Brits win Oscars playing Americans but you don’t have to do this.

Ice Cube: I don’t need no Bloo-i Osca (bloody Oscar). I already won three pudding boys.

Kingsley: Just be yourself, mate. We love you. Ice Cube’s an American legend.

Ice Cube: Well, me name is not Ice Cube in Brit-in (Britain).

Kingsley: Yeah? What is it?

Ice Cube: Coldy Squares.

Kingsley: Coldy Squares? Come on, man.

Pam: It’s not even– What is?

Daniel: Bruv, if you’re actually British, what do we call bars in the UK?

Ice Cube: Ye olde slurp and burp.

Daniel: Well, your American accent is perfect. Where did you learn it from?

Ice Cube: Oh, I wotch a loh (watch a lot) of FRIENDS.

Kingsley: Come on, fam, that’s what everyone says.

Ice Cube: Well, yeah, where did you learn American accent?

Kingsley: From watching Ice Cube movies.

Daniel: Yeah. “Friday”. “Boys in the hood”. Classics, bro.

Kingsley: You’re OG, man. You paved the way for all of us just being authentically you. Come on. Be real.

Ice Cube: [thinks for a second] Well, ain’t tha a pimp? You kicking me bimbly begins.

Pam: Okay. Not gonna buzz on this, huh? Alright, let’s go to commercial. Next step, we’ll go live from London and talk to start of the “Undoing”, Hugh Grant.

[Cut to Hugh in his home]

Hugh: [with accent]Yes, hello. It’s wonderful to be here. Pardon, is that Coldy Squares from tickle buckle circle?

Ice Cube: Ay! You win!

Hugh: I haven’t seen you since the 2010 Pudding Boys.

Pam: Um-umm. Okay, ya’ll. We have entered the Matrix. Let’s get on out of here.

Britney Spears Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gina Carano… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”, with your host Britney Spears.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to Britney in her set]

Britney: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. You all know me from my upbeat Instagram video and the word “Conservatorship”. Basically, I started this show “Oops, you did it again”, so people could come on and apologize for things they’ve done wrong. Because after the ‘Free Britney’ documentary came out, I’m receiving hundreds of apologies a day. Speaking of which, I’d like to give a quick shoutout to out sponsor – The Notes App. Are you looking to post a lame apology Ted0 years late? Go through the motions with the Notes App.

Okay, guys, let’s welcome our first guest and while the music plays, I’m gonna dance.

[Britney starts dancing]

Please welcome Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ted walks in in a holiday vibe with a cocktail in one hand and a luggage on the other hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Ted: Ola, everyone. Hey, Britney.

Britney: Hey there, Ted. You look tan.

Ted: Oh, no. I’m not tan. I just cried myself red over my fellow Texans. And that’s why I drink in their honor.

Britney: So Ted, Texas is going through huge crisis disease right now.

Ted: Oh yeah. Yeah, it’s real bad.

Britney: And you literally abandoned it and flew to Cancun for a family vacation.

Ted: That’s right. And now, I’m in a little bit of hot water which I’m told is a thing no one in Texas has.

Britney: Well, would you like to apologize?

Ted: Absolutely. I deeply regret my actions over the last couple of days. Mostly, flying United. [giggling] I’m sorry. I’m pretty bad at human stuff.

Britney: So, you understand why people are calling you a coward?

Ted: Yeah. Coward is actually nicest word I heard. But let me ask you this. Would a coward have the cajones to blame his actions on his young daughters?

Britney: [surprised] You blamed your daughters?

Ted: Oh yeah, the whole trip was the girl’s idea. They love Cancun. There are so much for kids to do. The topless beach. Shots at senior frogs. Swimming with sick dolphins. They love it.

Britney: Okay. Well, as someone who was often blamed for other people’s problems at a young age, [acting crazy] maybe leave your daughters out of it because it could really mess up with their heads.

Okay. My next guest also has some explaining to do. You want to dance with me, Ted?

Ted: Well, I think my fellow Texans want to see me dance and be happy right now. Let’s do it.

[Britney and Ted start dancing]

Britney: Please welcome New York governor Andrew Cuomo.

[Andrew walks in. He is wearing a suit.]

[cheers and applause]

Andrew: Hey. Hello. Alright. Let’s get this over with.

Britney: Governor, do you know why you’re here today?

Andrew: Is it because indoor dining is back in New York? [cheers and applause] That’s exciting, right?

Britney: Governot!

Andrew: Alright, I know. It’s coz of the nursing home stuff.

Britney: And what happened with the nursing homes?

Andrew: Some of the people who died in the nursing homes were not counted as nursing home deaths. They were counted as hospital deaths. Which is basically what happens at Disney World. Okay? People die and they move the bodies. They say, “Oh, I guess Brenda died in the parking lot, not on the tea cups.” So, you know, we just did the Disney thing. Alright. Well, are we done here?

Britney: Governor, I like you. You’re from NYC or as I call it, TRL. But don’t you think you ought to apologize?

Andrew: Yeah.

Britney: I’m sorry. What was that?

Andrew: I said I was sorry.

Britney: Okay, see? That wasn’t so hard. People just want answers. Bill de Blasio says you are to be investigated.

Andrew: That bird bitch son of a what? What did that bird bitch say about me? [yelling] I will bury him in the tallest grave this city has ever seen! I will hire a Hobo to Rick Moranis him so hard, he’ll think he’s back in Universal Pre-K.

Britney: Governor?

Andrew: I’m sorry, okay? I get a little angry now and then and always.

Ted: Hey, I get it. You know, me and you, we’re both kind of the same thing. We’re both strong misunderstood men.

Andrew: Do not associate yourself with me. We are not the same. I am a man, you are a clown.

Ted: I accept that. Thank you.

Andrew: And if you mess with me, I will send you to a clown hospital.

Ted: Honestly, that sounds fun.

Andrew: And when you die, I will not count your body.

Ted: No, sure. Thank you.

Britney: Alright. Now, it’s time to read a letter from a fan and see what the folks at home are curious about.

[reading a letter]

Dear Britney, are you okay?

Yes, okay. So, I get this question a lot and I am perfectly okay, everything is good. And I am not trying to send people subliminal messages through my videos.

[#FreeBritney appears for a second then cuts back to Britney]

Okay guys, my final guest was fired from the Mandalorian for something she posted on social media, please welcome actress Gina Carano.

[Gina walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi Gina, are you here to apologize?

Gina: I’m here for the opposite of that. I’ve done nothing wrong. No one can even explain what I did wrong. Explain it.

Britney: Okay. On Instagram, you said “Conservatives have it as bad as people living in Nazi, Germany.”

Gina: Okay, congrats. You explained it. Look, I never would made that Nazi comparison if I’d known everybody was gonna be such a Nazi about it.

Britney: Do you feel like you’re a victim of cancel culture?

Gina: Yeah, absolutely. And I was canceled by Disney? Disney is the moral high ground? Have heard Brer Rabbit’s accent on the Splash Mountain rag recently?

Andrew: Well, if you die on it, they’re gonna move the body.

Ted: Ay look, I know how you feel, sweetie. I’m getting a lot of my old tweets used against me too. Yeah, we’re both in the same thing girl. Strong misunderstood women, okay?

Gina: No. Do not associate yourself with me. I am strong and you are a pile of soup. I am first class and you are coach.

Ted: Yeah, but I’m in the up grade list though.

Gina: And if you compare yourself to me, I will blast you to the farthest deserts of Tatooine.

Ted: Ay, anything to get out of Texas.

Britney: Okay. Well, that is all the time we have. But before I go, I just want to say a little prayer for a song. We need to remember that times are hard right now. People are struggling. We need to be understanding and forgiving of one another. I pray that all of you be sane and well and to be with people who make you feel loved. Isn’t that right, guys?

Andrew: [shaking head] I’m gonna cry.

Britney: So blessings to all.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Willie on February

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the beginning of February which is the shortest month and often the coldest. It can be hard on your spirit, so here to cheer us up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay, Michael! Oh, man! I just love February. 28 days of fun and excitement. By the way, ground hog saw his shadow yesterday. So you know what that means?

Michael Che: What’s that, Willie?

Willie: Six more weeks of leaving your oven door open for heat.

Michael Che: That’s really dangerous, man.

Willie: Ay! President’s day is coming, Michael! That means mattress sales.

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know, last year I got a mattress for only 36.

Michael Che: Really? where?

Willie: The police auction. Oh! It’s a nice one too. When you turn on the black light, you can see all the little constellation.

Michael Che: That’s disgusting, man.

Willie: Michael! You will never guess what I did for this Black History Month.

Michael Che: Do I wanna know?

Willie: Yeah. I went and traced my ancestry.

Michael Che: That’s pretty cool, Willie. I was going to do that.

Willie: You should, Michael. It’s really easy. All you gotta do is send your full name, social security number and all your bank information to West Africa and you wait for the results.

Michael Che: Willie, that sounds like a scam.

Willie: Well, excuse me, Michael, but do you really think that the grand nephew of Prince Hakutamatata would fall for a scam?

Michael Che: Nah! I guess he wouldn’t, man.

Willie: You know, it’s like my ancestors used to always say back in the village. You had us a free boat trip!

Michael Che: Whoa! Whoa! Willie, Willie, how is this supposed to make anybody feel better about February?

Willie: Well, what about Valentine’s day, Michael? Don’t you have somebody special to spend it with?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: That’s alright. I’m a little embarrassed to say this but I bought one of those super realistic sex dolls off the internet.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yup. I caved. Got a great deal on it too. She looks so realistic. Long white hair, long sharp nails, skin cold to the touching.

Michael Che: Oh, no.

Willie: Limbs, stiff as a board. As soon as I unzipped that big black bag and saw her wide eye staring back at me, I knew I was going to be in the house all night.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Willie: Michael, it’s like they always say, “Sex dolls don’t have toe tags, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, super realistic, huh?

Willie: Yeah.

Michael Che: So, Willie, you’re gonna watch Super Bowl?

Willie: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna watch the Puppy Bowl instead. Yeah. My old dog Lucias used to be a coach.

Michael Che: Your dog Lucias coached the Puppy Bowl?

Willie: Yeah. He sure did. Old Lucias taught those puppies how to run really fast. And then he jumped on top of them and pinned their shoulders down to teach them how to tackle. And then he put his paw over their mouths to teach em’ how to keep quiet.

Michael Che: No, no, man.

Willie: It’s like they always say, Michael, “Your dog is a puppy molester, Willie!”

Michael Che: Alright! My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Filming a Commercial

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow. And as always, there’s a lot of excitement about the ads. Here to talk about his recent experience making an ad is our own, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hey.

Pete Davidson: Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: I’m great. Um, so Pete, you shot a commercial recently, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. A few months ago, I shot a Dockers commercial because things in my career are going exactly how I want them to go. No, I’m just playing. Dockers are great. I wear them all the time. They’re dope. It’s like they say, they’re comfy and they’re clean. They’re Dockers.

Colin Jost: Great work there. We got it. Nice. [Pete Davidson winks] Seamless plus. Great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. For sure. The premise of the campaign was I had to go out on the streets of San Francisco and get people to take their pants off and trade them for a pair of Dockers. But what was crazy was we shot the campaign like, a month before all the Weinstein, Spacey sexual harassment stuff happened. So, like, every week more and more articles are coming out about like, these monsters and in between those articles are ads of me out on the street like, “Hey lady, you wanna take your pants off? I’m Pete Davidson.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, not an ideal timing.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I was out there like, forever. Nobody would listen to me. I felt like Al Gore trying to tell people about global warming. Miami’s not gonna exist soon, by the way. Did you know what?

[silence]

See? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

[laughter]

Colin Jost: Anyway, the Dockers ad.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. So, after hours and hours, I finally got a guy to stop. And I was like, “Oh, thank god. We’ll have like, one good interview.” And I was like, “What’s up, man? What’s your name? Where are you from?” He’s like, “I’m Steve. I’m from Oakland.” I was like, “Oh! What brings you to San Francisco, Steve?” He goes, “My daughter.” And I said, “Oh, wow! That’s sweet, man. What are you? Like, visiting her college or something?” And he says, “No. She’s in the hospital.” And I was like, “Oh, my god. Is everything gonna be okay?” And he says, “I hope so. She has cancer.” And I was like, “Would you like to take your pants off and trade them in for a pair of Dockers?”

Colin Jost: Wow! That was good.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. That’s the commercial.

Colin Jost: That’s a great– Also, by the way, what happened to your hand? [pointing at Pete Davidson’s hand. He has a bandage on his right hand.]

Pete Davidson: Oh. I punched a door. It’s a really good story. You see, like, I have mental problems. [silence] That’s the story.

Colin Jost: That’s the story. Yeah. Great.

Pete Davidson: No, but it has been a learning experience. You know? I got really good at doing things with my left hand, if you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: No, no, no. I’ve always been close with the right. But the left’s really had a chance to shine.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Pete Davidson: You know. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt and Tom Brady sub did.

Colin Jost: Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you’re talking about.

Pete Davidson: I learned how to masturbate with my left hand.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: [pointing at his left hand] The GOAT!

Weekend Update- Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve

Colin Jost

Brigitte Bardot…Kate McKinnon

Catherine Deneuve… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Nearly, 100 female activists and actresses in France have signed a letter saying that the #metoo movement has gone too far. Here to explain their controversial views are two legendary French actresses, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve slide in. Brigitte Bardot is holding a cigarette and Catherine Deneuve is holding a glass of wine in their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine Deneuve: Alu-alu-alu.

Brigitte Bardot: Yes!

Catherine Deneuve: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. Don’t be nervous being around two beautiful women. You know, we can still have some fun. We will not discourage you from being a man.

Brigitte Bardot: A man is man. And woman is a woman. If they are not, they are homos.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, Brigitte, come on! No, no, no, no. We were having fun. Let them get to know you first.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, it’s okay.

Catherine Deneuve: Yeah, yeah. She’s 83 years.

Colin Jost: Oh, she’s 83?

Brigitte Bardot: What did you say?

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, I said you are a legend. Brigitte Bardot.

[They kiss each other’s cheeks.]

Great!

Colin Jost: That’s great. Well, it’s an honor to have both of you here. What is your main complaint about the #metoo movement?

Catherine Deneuve: Look, look. [Brigitte Bardot is staring at something away] It’s important in France to question, to debate. To challenge popular opinion. For me, I just– I don’t want romance to die. But, if I went to far, hurting a woman, that was absolutely not my intention. You understand?

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah, of course.

Brigitte Bardot: And me, I stand by everything I have said. And I will double down. Free Harvey Weinstein!

Catherine Deneuve: Oh!

Brigitte Bardot: This is a real man.

Catherine Deneuve: No, no, no, no. Come on. That’s not what this is. No, no, no. Look, look. I think what we both think, it’s women have a beautiful body, yeah? Men have a beautiful body. Why can’t we have the freedom to explore and enjoy? What is more French than that? You know?

Colin Jost: Okay.

Brigitte Bardot: Why does a woman have breasts? This is for a man to grab and pull. “Come with me. Come with me.”

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, no.

Brigitte Bardot: A door has a knob. A woman has two knobs.

Catherine Deneuve: It’s not. No. Oh! This woman. You know, I’m beginning to think i should not have aligned myself with her. Ah! You know, what can I say? I’m impulsive. I could kiss you now, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh! No, we can’t. We’re on the news.

Catherine Deneuve: Well.

Brigitte Bardot: Well, he is homo. I told you.

Catherine Deneuve: Brigitte, come on!

Brigitte Bardot: No! No! You know, I love homo. My only friends are you and birds and homo.

Catherine Deneuve: Come on, baby. So many of the things. This woman says a problematic. Brigitte! We are here to explain opposition. You remember?

Brigitte Bardot: I remember.

Catherine Deneuve: We talked about this.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, yeah, we are woke.

Catherine Deneuve: Yes.

Colin Jost: Right. And you guys do think that women are equal to men, right?

Catherine Deneuve: Yes, yes, yes. Women want to be equal to men, yes. But, we also want to be desire.

Brigitte Bardot: Give the female cat.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, boy. Come on.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream because she wants to be dead.

Catherine Deneuve: I told her don’t say this, man.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream! [making cat noises]

Catherine Deneuve: But she’s gonna do it.

Brigitte Bardot: And then when she is attacked, she scream even more. [making cat noise]

Catherine Deneuve: Okay. Okay. So, I think we have– we cleared it up, huh? No? So? we are both French. Brigitte is very old and very wrong. Yup!

Brigitte Bardot: You are freaking old too, bitch!

Catherine Deneuve: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, the great Brigitte.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve kiss each other’s cheeks]

Colin Jost: I was gonna say it. Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

Weekend Update on the Nunes Memo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and some papers at left top corner.]

President Trump authorized the release of a memo that claims the FBI improperly spied on his campaign despite warnings from the FBI and the Department of Justice that the memo was inaccurate. Coz if anyone’s concerned with accuracy, [Picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis] it’s Mr. 239 pounds.

[Picture changes to Devin Nunes]

This memo came from a 40 year old virgin Devin Nunes who is chairman of the House of Intelligence Committee. I gotta say, I don’t really trust this guy to untangle a vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t really trust him to untangle a pair of headphones. Now, I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and it’s pretty easy coz his shoes are velcro, but I don’t really understand how any of this is important. So, I’m just gonna treat this memo like every other memo I’ve received at work and completely ignore it. At this point, if you actually want to get my attention, the bar is set at, “Pornstar spanks president with magazine.” Also, this is a four page memo that just cherry picks information from FISA document that’s like, 50 or 60 pages long. It’s like, when you see a blurb for “Transformers 5” and it says, “It blew my mind…” when the full quote is, “It blew my mind that god allowed this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and some papers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, you know damn well Donald Trump didn’t read this memo. It’s four pages long. And the only time Donald Trump reads four pages in a row is when he’s ordering breakfast. [Picture changes to Donald Trump looking at the menu.] And to prove it, here’s an actual clip of Donald Trump explaining the memo.

[Cut to Donald Trump in a press conference]

Donald Trump: But I think it’s a disgrace what’s happening in our country. And when you look at that and you see that and so many other things what’s going on, um, lot of people should be ashamed of themselves and much worse than that.

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Listen to him stammer. He sounds like Colin when I asked him if his family ever owned slaves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at State of the Union at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Can we have this conversation off camera? President Trump gave his first State of the Union address on Tuesday and received mostly positive reviews. But that’s only because we expect so little from Trump at this point that when he behaves even remotely human, we’re all really impressed. It’s sort of like when you see a video of a rat taking a shower and you think, “Aw, look, he’s doing human stuff.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Ginsberg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg did not attend the State of the Union. Unfortunately, she was caught up in a stiff wind. [Picture changes to Ruth Ginsberg holding a flag stand while wind is carrying her away.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump entering the chamber]

As president Trump entered the chamber for the State of the Union, members of the Congressional Black Caucus remain seated in protest. [Picture changes to a group of people looking upset sitting at the chamber] They were mostly silent with an occassional, “Umgh!” Look at all these angry black faces. They look like my grandmother’s church after the choir directly came out of the closet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his tweet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also tweeted that he had the highest ratings ever for State of the Union address which, get this, wasn’t true. And this time, even FOX News fact checked on him. [Picture changes to FOX News tweet that has numbers.] You know you’re running your mouth too much when even your hype man is like, “You know, that ain’t exactly accurate though.”

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump at an interview]

So far.

Michael Che: That one’s good.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you. Then in a new interview, president Trump stated that he is not a feminist. Was he getting accused of that a lot?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a pictures of Jay-Z and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Michael Che: After Jay-Z criticized president Trump’s vulgar comments about African nations, Trump responded with, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, Black Unemployment has just been reported to be at the LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED!” [Cut to Michael Che] Yeah, but because of Obama. Not the awful jobs that you brought in. Black people ain’t trying to sling coal. Trump is just appropriating Obama’s success. It’s no different than white woman taking credit for, “Yas Queen.”

Weekend Update on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February 2018 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the start of, “Okay, but what about white history month?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Super Bowl logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, the New England Patriots will face the Philadelphia Eagles on Super Bowl 52. So whether you’re Pats fan or Eagles fan, remember, child support was due on the first.

[Picture changes to the movie “The Passion of the Christ”.]

It was reported that a sequel is in the works for the Mel Gibson movie “The Passion of the Christ.” So, get ready to see, “I still know what Jews did last summer.” You know, I refuse to see another “Passion of the Christ” movie unless Jesus has a line, “You crossed the wrong guy.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South African flag and a tap at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing]

Colin Jost: Nailed it!

Michael Che: No. [cheers and applause] Experts are saying that Cape Town, South Africa will completely run out of water on April 12. Meanwhile in the rest of the world, [Cut to a video of a mouse taking bath using soap.] [Cut to Michael Che] It’s pretty insane that a major city is about to completely run out of water in like, two months and I’m just now hearing about this. This is kind of embarrassing. I feel like I should care more about Africa. Kind of like when you run into an old friend and ask, “Hey, how’s your kid?” And she’s like, “Che, he’s your son too.”

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Molly Schuyler winning celebrating victory at right top corner.]

Michael che: Molly Schuyler has set a new world record at this year’s Wing Bowl by eating 501 wings. Breaking the previous record of 28. Molly will be using the prize money to soundproof her bathroom.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a peacock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines prevented a passenger from bringing an emotional support peacock on a cross country flight because the only emotional support bird they should allow on a plane is Grey Goose. [Picture changes to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.] Also, when has a bird ever put anyone at ease? Let alone in a confined space. No one’s ever used the phrase, “Oh good, a bird’s inside.”

Stranger Things 3

11… Natalie Portman

Mike… Mikey Day

14… Beck Bennett

9… Cecily Strong

5.. Pete Davidson

Luke Null

18… Aidy Bryant

50… Leslie Jones

3… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Stranger Things 3 video bumper]

[Cut to 11 and Mike walking in a room]

11: Come on, Mike. It’s safe in here.

Mike: But El, what is this place?

11: Mama said there would be others here like me. That’s what mama said.

Mike: So, like, your mom?

11: No. Mama.

Mike: Oh, hey, while we’re waiting, do you want to do those kisses? Like, from season 2?

11: This doesn’t seem like the time, Mike.

Mike: Yeah, totally. I was thinking we should wait too. I’m not like, crazy horny or anything. Oh, look out!

[There’s 14 pointing a gun at them. He has long brown hair and he is wearing a leather jacket.]

14: Don’t move!

[11 uses her power to take the gun away from 14. Her nose is bleeding.]

Mike: Whoa! So, cool. Should we celebrate? Like, with a kiss or some over the jeans stuff?

11: Mike, not now.

[14 walks near 11]

Who are you?

14: I’m special, like you.

11: I’m 11. [showing her mark on her hand] I can move objects with my mind but it gives me tiny nose bleeds.

14: I’m 14. [showing his mark on his hand] I can start fires with my mind but every time I do, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. Watch! [14 pulls out a candle and lights it just looking at it. As soon as there’s a spark, 14 pukes in his mouth.]

11: Mama was right. There are more like me than I thought.

Mike: It must be so disorienting. Should we kiss?

[9 walks in. She has punk hair.]

9: There are lot more like you. I’m 9. I can read people’s minds but if I do, it makes me fart.

11: Oh, really? Well, then what am I thinking now?

9: [looking at 11] You’re worried that I’m gonna fart. [farts loud]

[5 walks in. He has blonde long hair.]

5: And I’m 5. I could run really fast like the flash but every time I do, I get a boner. So, I have to stop running to hide the boner. It’s not a good power. I’ve been kicked out the track team twice. But um– Oh, hey, it looks like your friend Mike has the same power.

[Mike hides his boner]

Mike: What? No!

11: Mike!

Mike: What? It’s not. No! That’s a flashlight in case we get lost.

9: Someone’s lying. [farts loud]

11: What sick twisted mad man created us?

[There’s Luke standing in the dark folding his hands.]

Luke: I don’t know. But when we find him, he’s gonna have to deal with me.

11: What’s to you do?

Luke: Oh, I make fantastic chilly but the only downside is my brain starts bleeding.

11: Okay, we don’t need to see that.

[Luke is near a stove, where there are utensils. He starts cooking and crying. His head is bleeding.]

Luke: [groaning] Chilly’s done!

[18 comes in]

18: I’ll take some of that.

11: Wait, who are you?

18: Well, I’m 18. My power is I can do a pretty good Borat impression. But if I do it, then I go into a coma for 2 days.

11: Oh, well, then you don’t need to do that impressoin.

18: Are you sure? It’s pretty good.

Mike: Well, I mean, now I kind of want to see it.

18: Yeah, you made the right choice. [doing Borat impression] My wife! [18 falls down immediately]

Mike: These people… These people might be scarier than the shadow monster.

9: Hey, careful who you judge. [farts loud]

11: Get out of our heads!

9: Oh, no, no, no. That was just a regular one. I’m sorry. I have unrelated IBS.

[50 walks in. She has orange hair.]

50: And I’m 50.

11: What? What’s your power?

50: I’m just 50 years old. I have good credit. I own my own condo. And I can leg-press 375. So take that, you dumb kids. [50 walks away. She takes the pot where Luke cooks the chilly.] And I’m taking this chilly. Ou, it’s hot!

11: I want all of you to come with me. Alone, you’re freaks. But together, we’re family. And we can defeat the shadow monster once and for all.

[3 walks in. He has white hair.]

3: Well, count me in. I’m 3. And my power is I’m good at thinking of ways to end sketches.

11: Then how should this one end?

[3 puts his eyeballs together in the middle, puts his fingers in his mind.]

3: [fast] Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

[Cut to Stranger Things 3 video bumper.]