Tag: episode 15

Ariana Grande Monologue

Ariana Grande

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana Grande.

[Ariana Grande walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ariana Grande: Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’m Ariana Grande and I’m a singer, not a Starbucks drink. I’m so honored and excited to be hosting and performing tonight. It’s been a dream of mine to be on this stage ever since I was a little girl which was two months go. I’ve been singing and acting since I was eight. I started my career on kids TV doing Nickelodeon.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, indeed. Yes. What an amazing place to launch a career, am I right?

Ariana Grande: That’s right, Kenan. We both started out doing Nickelodeon shows but of course that’s not the only thing people know us for anymore.

Kenan: Well, speak for yourself. I’ve been doing show for 30 damn years and people still ask me twice a week, “Where is Kel?”

Ariana Grande: Classic. I loved you guys. Do you guys still stay in touch?

Kenan: [yelling] A little bit!

[Kenan walks away]

Ariana Grande: Yeah, it can be tough growing up in show business. A lot of kid stars end up doing drugs, are in jail or pregnant, or get caught looking at doughnut they didn’t pay for. Which, yes, was childish and stupid. I’ve learned that it’s really time to grow up. I think I’m in a place where I am ready to be caught in a real adult scandal.

[music playing]

A real scandal, you know? Something to take my career to next level. Something that says, “Welcome to Hollywood, kid.” Miley’s had em, Bieber’s had em, everyone’s had em and each day I sit by my window and I dream what will my scandal be?

[singing] They’ll say, “She’s a hot mess”
or “What a disgrace”
They’ll say, “Is that botox in her butt and in her face?”
That tweet about the Jews wasn’t really point at taste
Oh what will my scandal be?

Maybe I’ll throw a fit in in LA hotel
or make life for the staff, a true living hell
I’ll puke in the pool, or pimp stop Adele, oh shit!
What will my scandal be?

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Ariana! I was just in your dressing room smelling all your clothes and you just left your cell phone out girl. You have to be careful, you know? Someone could hack into and just post everything on the internet.

Ariana Grande: Oh my god, that would be amazing.

Cecily: No, no, no.

Ariana Grande: When I was a little girl, my mama told me that I’d grow up and make millions of strangers mad at me. And now it’s finally happening. Thank you.

[Cecily leaves]

[singing] Maybe diet pills with scramble my brain
I’ll light up in first class and get kicked off of plane.
Maybe I’ll have a love child with Drake or 2Chainz
What will my scandal be?

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey, Ariana. I overheard. Do you like to smoke some pot or something?

Ariana Grande: Pot? Let’s smoke some crack, man!

Pete: I’m good.

[Pete turns around and leaves]

Ariana Grande: [singing] Imagine what they’ll say
Imagine what they’ll write
I could sleep in at the Super Bowl
And ruin my career overnight

My very own scandal
My very own scandal

Oh, what will my scandal be?

We’ve got a great show. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Dating in New York

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, dating is very complicated wherever you live. But specially here in New York city. Here to offer her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woooo!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you Colin. Nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Very nice to have you back, Leslie. Now, tell us. Is it hard dating in New York?

Leslie Jones: Man, everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold, Colin? Why?

Colin Jost: I think coz it’s winter.

Leslie Jones: Don’t be cute with me you frosty ass snowman. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of walking, Jost.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Good transition.

Leslie Jones: I gotta stretch before I go to a store. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And y’all New Yorkers, y’all don’t know how to get directions. Yeah, yeah, “A couple of blocks.” It’s 5 miles! I was supposed to meet a man at a restaurant that one of you New Yorkers said it’s couple of blocks away, and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in ‘Shining’. Don’t ‘couple of blocks’ me no more. These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than blocks, father? I’ve been on 5th avenue for ten hours. When is it gonna turn to 6th?

And stop trying to explain this east, west stuff to me, okay? Coz I’m not gonna get it. “If you get to 6th street, you’re on the west.” [yelling] I’m not gonna get it! The last east, west stuff I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.

And the subway? Subway just nasty. I was standing on a subway platform on a date and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill everybody! That rat faeces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date– my date– This guy who I thought I liked is standing there like, “Ooh! Doesn’t the breeze feel good?” [yelling] No! Shut up! We just died here! We just got rat AIDS.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Couple of problems with rat AIDS.

Leslie Jones: And you know what? You know what? In here, I got to compete with these white beautiful New York bitches. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And none of y’all scared of me. At all! I used to be able to scare the hell out of a white girl in LA. Just walk up to them, give my best Compton stare. Not out here! You white bitches are strong. I bumped into a white girl on a train and I was like, “Yo! Yo! What’s up?” And she was like, “Yeah, bitch? What? What?” I was like, “Oh, my god! I am so sorry.” She turned me into the white girl, Jost.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Damn!

Leslie Jones: Shut up! Don’t you ever say that again!

Colin Jost: I won’t. Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] It’s cold!

Weekend Update Girl at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was reported today that Boko Haram has joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS. Here with her thoughts on the subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at the party.

[The girl slides in]

The girl: Alright Michael. Thank me for having you back.

Michael Che: Thank– Alright, sure. Whatever. So, what do you think about this Boko Haram situation?

The girl: What do I think about it? [Cut to The girl] I think it is inexcusitive, okay? It’s a cardastrophy! It’s unremaginable! Just look at the sadistics, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

For every 10 people, there are 20 people. And what? We’re just supposed to give them all the death penalty? No! Like, American needs to grow up. But also, it needs to look like 15 years younger.

[Cut to The girl using her mobile phone]

I just friended you. Accept me.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. Is this still about Boko Haram?

The girl: Open your eyes, Michael. Measles, Ebola, charter school. Sometimes I’m like, Salami Hussain was right. [Cut to The girl] And then healthcare? Everyone’s talking about HMOs. Um, how about just calling them gay people?

[Cut to The girl Michael Che and The girl]

Michael Che: Okay, I don’t think anyone is following what the hell you are sayin.

The girl: Michael! How would you feel if I went into your neighborhood and burned your house down?

Michael Che: I’d feel bad.

The girl: Exactly! And that’s exactly how they feel.

Michael Che: Who?

The girl: Fires! [Cut to The girl] If you took all the homeless women in the world and set them on top of each other, pffft. Zynga, Michael. Zynga.

[Cut to Michael Che and The girl]

So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright, fine! Fine. I need to give you this thing my friend Rhodney printed out. It’s a map quest directions. Like, nobody knows where it leads.

Michael Che: It says it on here. It’s direction to Forever 21.

The girl: By the way, Michael, what are you doing for spring break?

Michael Che: Oh, I might go to Puerto Rico.

The girl: Oh, I’m bringing democracy to Syria. Via Instagram. Oh look, it’s Karina. Karina! Are you dancing? Oh, she’s having a tiny seizure.

Michael Che: Okay, I think you just need to go.

The girl: Yeah! Actually, I do need to go Michael. Coz some of us are actually solving progress. [audience laughing] Coz if we don’t, in 800 years our children won’t even be alive. So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright. Now, close your eyes. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open them. [Michael Che opens his eyes] Close them. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open just the left. [Michael Che opens his left eye] Wink at me. [Michael Che winks at The girl] Congratulations, that’s assault.

Michael Che: The girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation at the party, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jordan.]

Michael Che: Still scares the hell out of me. This year, Michael Jordan was added to Forbes magazine’s list of billionaires. Forbes also added Scotty Pittman to their list of people who sell [Picture changes to Scott Pittman showing the Forbes magazine] Forbes Magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Justin Bieber on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old but his mustache thinks he turned 13.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Potential republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice because many people go to prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay. Kind of like how in that last sentence, Dr. Carson went in as a neurosurgeon and came out as a complete idiot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice. Carson made the comments to himself over and over in the men’s locker room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dr. Ben Carson, a candidate for president said that homosexuality is a choice. Unfortunately for him, so are elections.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sorry. I guess we were piling on a little bit there.

Michael Che: A little bit.

Colin Jost: This just ends. Dr. Ben Carson, [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson] a candidate for president is no longer candidate for president.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana and cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctor– No, I’m just kidding. [audience laughing] Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug in his car inside a container that was marked, “Not weed”. It was marked “Not weed”. The police pulled him in over after he sped by their car which was also marked “Not police”. [Picture changes to a car that looks exactly like a cop car but it has ‘Not Police’ written on it.]

[Picture changes to a bottle.]

Scientists have discovered a 170 years old beer in a shipwreck off the coast of Finland, opened two of the bottles and drank them. At which point they made another discovery, they’re both alcoholics.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paxil medicine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, the anti-depressant Paxil may also be capable of treating heart disease. Which explains Paxil’s new slogan, “Paxil, maybe this is what it does?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a little boy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, about fifteen% of two year olds in Boston drink as much as four ounces of coffee a day. But Boston kids need that coffee to help them get through their hangovers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: You know, I like that joke. I feel like you get all the fun jokes.

Michael Che: Oh, stop it.

Colin Jost: No, I’m serious. Sometimes I wish I could do your jokes instead.

Michael Che: Alright. You can take my next one if you want to.

Colin Jost: You sure? You don’t mind?

Michael Che: I don’t care.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a scale at left top corner.]

A new report reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 36 inches.

Michael Che: Wait a minute.

Colin Jost: 3.6. I never saw this before. 3.6, that’s more reasonable. [audience laughing] A guy can dream.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: See? My jokes are harder to read. [laughing]

Colin Jost: And, let me just say, as a man with extremely small penis– okay.

Michael Che: No, no. Keep going, keep going.

Colin Jost: I feel very bad for myself and my tinsy winsy peensy.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was great job, man.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks man. I don’t even understand. How is that even a joke?

Michael Che: Well, its a joke when I read it because I don’t have a tiny penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s 36 inches.

Michael Che: It was. [Michael Che laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that New York city rats contain flees that are capable of transmitting bubonic plague. It’s a rare black eye for the otherwise sterling reputation of the flees of New York city rats.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Department of Justice logo at right top corner.]

According to a Justice Department report on Ferguson police, African American’s make up 93% of all arrest in the city. 93%? That is high. It’s only 92% in Nigeria. 93% means, if 92 people get arrested in Ferguson, 9 of them are black and one of them is kind of beige. I wanna know what did the 7% of white people get arrested for? What was it? Not arresting enough black people?

The review found that 88% of the cases involving the use of force were against African Americans. Black residents say they found the police report almost as shocking as they found the police tasers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hillary Clinton tweeted this week that she has asked the State Department to release all of her emails from her years as Secretary of State. No word yet on the identity of the lucky individual who has to read through 50,000 emails from a grandma. I’m just excited because based on the emails I get from my grandma, there’s gonna be some pretty interesting stuff about Obama.

[Picture changes to an email where subject is as “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: KENYAN:”.]

[Picture changes to Benjamin Netanyahu]

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address congress about the threat from Iran. And he left as the front runner for the 2016 republican nomination.

[Picture changes to an airplane]

A Delta airplane skidded off a snowy runway while landing at New York’s Laguardia airport slamming through a fence and almost falling into the bay. But the good news is, [Picture changes to a pilot with a glass of whiskey] the pilot didn’t even spill his drink. Afterwards, passengers were safely removed from the airplane, at which point Delta charged them $45 crash survival fee.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow in the shape of the dress to represent affairs with Monica Lewinsky. Also, it’s suttle, but if you look very closely at the painting, you can see that Clinton is not wearing pants.

The House with Chris Hemsworth

Chase… Beck Bennett

Eric… Chris Hemsworth

Bryan… Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with Chase and Eric watching a movie]

Chase: Man, what a good movie.

Eric: Yeah.

Chase: You done ordering some food?

Eric: eah, I’m gonna go and take a shower. So, let’s pick somewhere to eat when I get back.

Chase: Cool. I’ll look through some menus.

[Eric leaves and Chase is gong through some menus]

[Bryan walks in]

Bryan: Hey, man. I’m gonna pick up some groceries. I thinking of making dinner tonight.

[Cut to Chase being shocked]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: This is the first time I’ve heard anything about Bryan wanting to get groceries. I might have to tell him that Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Bryan being shocked.]

[Cut to Chase]

Would you wanna get in on that?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Wait, Eric and Chase are ordering food? Now I’m thinking I wanna order food too. I’m really confused.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Bryan: Hey, man. We need to talk.

Chase: Yeah. What’s up?

Bryan: I was thinking about ordering that food stuff. And I think– I think I definitely wanna order food with you guys.

Chase: Nice.

[Chase and Bryan hug each other]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Wow! It’s cool to have somebody in the house that I can finally be myself around.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Cool if I put my feet up?

Bryan: No problem. Just be yourself.

[Chase puts his feet up on the table.]

[Eric walks in]

Eric: Hey, Chase. I’m out of the shower and ready to decide where to order from.

[Eric looks at Chase and Bryan and become shocked.]

Wait, Bryan?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Bryan wasn’t in the living room when I went to take a shower. And now he is? I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Someone wanting to explain to me what’s going on?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. Chase stands.]

Chase: Eric, something happened when you were in the shower.

[Cut to replay of what happened when Eric was not there in black and white.]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Hold up. Earlier, I talked to Chase about getting dinner. Bryan, now you wanna order food too?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Dude!

[Cut to Bryan]

Bryan: Yeah!

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Is this actually happening right now?

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Welcome to the house.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Wait, wait. I gotta think about this.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan waiting for the answer.]

Bryan, you step forward please.

[Bryan steps forward.]

[Cut to Eric]

I admire you told me the truth. But you said that you wanted to get groceries. And then you changed your mind. Now, I’m not sure I can trust you.

[Cut to Bryan nodding his head.]

Chase, you step forward please.

[Chase steps forward.]

That’s too far. back.

[Chase steps a bit backward.]

To the right a little bit.

[Chase steps right]

[Cut to Eric]

That’s good. Now, you were one of the first people that I decided to order food with, but I’ve questioned your loyalty ever since you cheated on the midnight endurance challenge.

[Cut to midnight endurance challenge. All three of them are standing on logs carrying buckets on the both sides. Chase kicks Eric and Eric falls down.]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Oh, no! Eric fell?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: This is tough.

[Taran walks in. He is wearing a nice suit.]

Taran: Eric. One person has to leave the house tonight. It’s time to make your decision. Who is it going to be?

[suspense music playing]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: The person who has to leave…

[Cut to Chase and Bryan looking at each other.]

the house tonight… is…

[Cut to Eric]

me. I’m going to grocery store and I’m gonna make dinner for everyone.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan getting angry and vandalizing the house]

Male voice: Coming up on “So you think you can live with Brina?”

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Eric’s dinner sucked so he had one last chance to secure the spot in the hosue.

[Cut to Eric singing]

Eric: Five, six, seven, eight…

[singing] You’re making me believe–

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They are the judges.]

Chase: No.

Bryan: No.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Fu–[bleep]

Spaceship

Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes]

[The door opens. Captain is a chicken.]

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.]

[Cut to everybody]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise]

[Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off]

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.]

[Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]

Movie Set

Trice, Amanda… Kate McKinnon

Bob… Chris Hemsworth

Rod… Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Trice looking at the rain outside the window. Bob walks to Trice and holds her.]

Trice: We can’t do this. [Cut to Trice and Bob] You have to go.

Bob: Wait, why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: No, you you can’t. I’m dying.

Bob: You’re dying?

Rod: Cut!

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Good! Good job you guys. Good. The first take, Bob and Trice.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Thank you. Thank you. So, Rod, did you have any tips for us?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: It wasn’t very good. So, how do we make it better? How can I help you get there emotionally? Oh, I know. I have a little trick that I used to tell the actors back in my youth when I was acting coach in the Jeffers-son’s.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: The Jefferson’s.

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Yes! On the Jeffers-son’s, it was so clear where each character was acting emotionally at all times.

Bob: Well, it’s an old sitcome, right? I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen his fire. I don’t know.

Rod: Well, let me show you what I mean. [Bob stands] When you hear that she’s dying, we need to see that moment sink in. React! And then snap it shut like a coin purse. Let me show you. Trice, could you feed me your line?

Trice: Yes, sure. [acting] I’m dying.

[Cut to Bob and Rod. Rod rotates his head a couple of times.]

Rod: [yelling] Dying? Did you see what I did?

Bob: Yeah. I did. Um, I don’t get it.

Rod: Well, let me break it down for you. It’s pretty easy. She says ‘dying’. Then you tuck your chin. Move your face down and around on a count of three. And then you come up and you shake it. And then you say, “Daaaaa-yin?” Okay? Let’s try one.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take two.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: Take it from the couch… and action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob acting]

Bob: Why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, tell me what’s wrong, Amanda. Let me help.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

Rod: Great! Cut!

[Rod walks in]

Oh, that was it. Did that not feel better?

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Ah! How long were you an acting coach on the Jefferson’s for?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: One day. One very long day. But this is all good. Let’s keep going. [Cut to Rod, Trice an Bob] Now, Trice, you can do this too. [Cut to Rod and Bob] When he tells you that he has a wife, that should come as very big news.

Trice: No, no. My character knows that he is married. She knew it from the beginning.

Rod: Oh, yes. But now it’s really sinking in. So, let me show you. Snap that moment shut like this. Bob, what is your cue?

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Bob: Um, is it because of my wife?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: [Rod makes noises] Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki! Your wife?

[Cut to Rod and Trice]

Trice: I’m not doing that.

Rod: Well, of course you will make it your own. But it’s really easy. He says ‘wife’. You let your eyes go down the drain. And then you say “phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu” three times. And then you shake your face. And then snap it shut like a pair of snap phone. Okay? Let’s try it.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take three.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: And action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: We can’t do this, you have to go.

Bob: Hey, why- why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: [shaking her head] Ta-Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki. Your wife? No. It’s just that I- I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, wh- what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

[stops acting]

This feel very weird.

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: Well, well, it doesn’t. Look it. It’s really coming together, you guys. But honestly, I think we can go a little bigger on the ‘your wife’. I think something like, “Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki-phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu. [yelling] Your wife?” I mean, what do you guys think?

[Cut to the set. The actors are gone.]

Wait, are they gone?

Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah.

Rod: So, they already got all of their stuff and they aren’t on the lot anymore?

Sasheer: Uh-huh.

Rod: Why?

Sasheer: They quit.

Rod: Bt-ti-ga-sh-ga-ti. [yelling] They quit? You see? It works.

[Sasheer looks impressed]

It just works.

Iggy Azalea show

Iggy Azalea… Kate McKinnon

TI… Jay Pharoah

Azealia Banks… Sasheer Zamata

Rafty Drans… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Iggy Azalea show intro]

Male voice: It’s the Iggy Azalea show.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea in her set]

Iggy Azalea: Guys, welcome. Welcome to the show. I’m Iggy Azalea. Thank you all sory much. I like, can’t even believe you’re here for like, little Aussie me. Like, who even am I?

[music playing]

[rapping] I tell you who I am, see y’all murder been,
tear it up dirty m* you’re my witness
tick tock on the clock as I’m big in bitches
bang bang go to sound on me clipping bitches

You know what I mean? I don’t know. Oh, I love you guys so much. So much. And speaking of love, let me introduce my producer and rap daddy TI

[Cut to TI.]

TI: Nah, nah, nah. That is absolutely correctly. I created her. She’s my frank and fine, Ay!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea]

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god! I love you so much. TI, isn’t rap so fun? And you know what else is fun? Feuds. I’m in a new feud errday. So, my first guest is one of my top feud friends, fellow rapper, Azealia Banks.

[Azelia Banks dances to the set. Iggy Azalea dances with her.]

Azelia Banks: No, no, no, no! That’s mine.

Iggy Azalea: Cool. Okay. Azealia, welcome. Oh, my god. You’re so mad at me. Our feud is so hiphop.

Azelia Banks: I came here because I was told that you were gonna apologize to me.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, how’s this for an apology then?

[rapping] click clack popping cap

Azelia Banks: [interrupting] No, no, no! No!

Iggy Azalea: Okay. Great!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: Look, I’m over this feud. And I called you a poser or whatever, but I want to bury the hatchet. And… wait, did you just put my hat on your head?

[Cut to Iggy Azalea. She is wearing the same hat as Azelia Banks.]

Iggy Azalea: What? Oh, my god! I didn’t even realize. Now, we’re twinsies!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am no one’s twinsie.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Azelia Banks]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, you’re so funny. Okay, not it’s time for my second guest. He’s my cool older cousin and my hiphop mentor, Rafty Drans.

[Rafty Drans walks in dancing]

Rafty Drans: Yeah! Gand-bang boomerang! Thanks everyone for having me.

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god. Isn’t he cute little handfull of hiphop?

Rafty Drans: Stop it. You’re making me blush all over.

Iggy Azalea: Rafty taught me everything I know about hiphop and today he’s joining me in the segment called tip-hops.

[Cut to TI]

TI: Tip-hops! Hiphop tips!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Rafty Drans]

Rafty Drans: That’s right, that’s right. So, tip hop number one, guns. When you don’t know what to do when you rap, just make a gun sound like this. “Bang bang, click clack, tip tip.” That’s a tiny gun.

Iggy Azalea: Don’t use a real gun. Safety first, guys.

Rafty Drans: Yeah.

Iggy Azalea: Tip hop number two, lists. Every good rap has a list of cool things. So, right now, Rafty, me and Azealia are going to create a whole new rap for you by making a list.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am not doing that.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, cool. Just Rafty and I then. TI, hit the beats.

[music playing]

[rapping] Gold chain, paper cranes,
stuck up hundred horsy men

Rafty Drans: Man haters, sweet potatoes
bang bang like a lang

[Cut to TI]

TI: All day! Rafty put a gun sound in his list. Respect.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Rafty Drans: Tip hop number three. When your mouth gets tired of rapping, let your booty do the talking.

[music playing. Iggy Azalea stands up and starts twerking.]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, do you like how I dance?

Azelia Banks: No.

Rafty Drans: Like how I dance?

[Rafty Drans starts twerking at Azelia Banks’s face]

Azelia Banks: A little bit.

[music stops]

Iggy Azalea: Okay, we’re almost at a time, but before we go, I wanna debut a new track. It’s about where I came from. My roots. This song is called “Money Ass”. Play the track.

[music playing]

[rapping] money ass
got that ass, got that money
got that money ass
signing checks out them jeans

Rafty Drans: Bang, bang!

Iggy Azalea: You could take that ass to the bank
and buy my ass with it
that money ass.

Right? I think that was a pretty decent rap. That’s all the time we have. I love you guys so much. Bye.

Hillary Clinton Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon.

[Starts with an intro video]

Announcer: And now a message from Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton sitting on a sofa in her house]

Hillary Clinton: Good evening. Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. Tonight, I’m speaking to you not as secretary of state or as a senator, or as a first lady. But as a relatable woman on a couch. Hello!

[laughing]

Recently, it was revealed that while I was secretary of state, I did not use a government email. I used a personal one leading many to believe I was hiding scandalous or incriminated emails. And to those people, I’d like to say, nice try! Those emails are clean as a whistle. This is not how Hillary Clinton goes down. I mean, what did you think my email said? “Hi, it’s Hillary. I really screwed on Benghazi today.” Please! [laughing]

I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born 67 years ago and I have been planning on being president ever since. There will be no mistakes in my rise to the top. If I decide to run, who knows? I might not. As you can see, I’m just relaxing at home. [laughing]

But to prove I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve ordered the state department to release every email I ever sent while in office. So, go ahead! Read em’! You won’t find Jack riding my squat. My work emails are professional and my emails with friends are innocent and fun. Like, this one. A friend wrote to me…

[Cut to an email her friend sent to her]

“Hey girl, still up for a movie tonight? I heard that new Bradley Cooper one is hot. What do you want to see?”

And I responded with…

[Cut to her response]

“I want to see myself as President of the United States of America.”

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

See? Just fun woman talk. [laughing]

And the emails to Bill, the only thing you’ll dig up is a little bit of mature romance. Take a look at this sexy email I sent him on our anniversary.

[Cut to an email she sent to her husband]

“Dear Sir or Madam, Congratulations on your continued marital success. I would like to schedule a sit-down at your earliest convenience. Regards, The Office of Hillary Clinton.”

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Ooh! But I’m not stopping at email. You wanna check my Netflix? Go ahead. Nothing to hide. Everyday I watch ‘House of Cards’ from start to finish. I jog in place while watching it like I’m in a Rocky training montage.

You wanna see my private Instagram account? Sure! You’ll find nothing but fun, innocent, carefree pics. Here I am having a blast on a roller coaster.

[Cut to a photoshopped picture where Hillary Clinton is using her mobile phone wearing a formal outfit on a roller coaster]

Here’s me soaking up some sun.

[Cut to a photoshopped picture where Hillary Clinton is using her mobile phone on a beach.]

Just a fun beach babe contemplating what her first 10 thousand moves as a President would be. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] If I run, who know? I am! But after all this, if people still want someone like Elizabeth Warren to fun instead, god bless Elizabeth. Lizzy! I love you, girl. We need more women like you. But it’s not your time. It’s mmm-my time. I have wanted to be president since before I was born. You think I’m joking? Here’s the proof.

[Cut to an ultrasound picture of a baby with ‘Hillary 2008’ sign.]

It’s a little off on the year but who can blame me? My brain was just a little spec. [laughing] What a relatable laugh. And finally tonight, I want to address that pesky media who’s really crawling up and under that skin of mine, camera two zoom in, [camera starts zooming] I have survived everything that’s been thrown at me. Benghazi, White water, the blue dress, having the maiden name Rod Ham, and none of that destroyed me. Music in. [music playing] So, after this little blip, I shall rise again from the ashes like a phoenix… nae, like a Hillary Clinton. And I will ascend to high office of president and claim my rightful place in history… [music stops] if I choose to run. I don’t know. [audience laughing] I’m so iffy on the whole thing. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.