Tag: episode 20

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Social Media

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that one in seven couples break up because of their behavior on social media. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! What’s up, Jost baby? How you dong?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. You tell me, Leslie. What’s going on?

Leslie Jones: Oh, yeah. I’m gonna. See, um, here’s my complain. Couples are always texting each other and on Facebook. Nobody writes love letters anymore.

Colin Jost: They don’t write love letters?

Leslie Jones: Well, maybe you do, you sexy cream sickle.  Just wanna chump all the orange off and get to the cream. [Cut to Leslie Jones] No guys ever wrote me a love letter. So, I wrote one to this guy that I had a four year booty call with.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Four year booty call?

Leslie Jones: That’s what I said!

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: To whom it may concern. [looking at the camera] And you know who you are. I miss you. I miss you every morning when I wake up. And I miss you– I miss sitting in front of your house wondering why the lights are on. Love, Leslie.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Why are you still writing him letter?

Leslie Jones: Coz he blocked me, Jost. I’ve been blocked! Can’t call, can’t text, can’t poke, can’t like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] [yelling]And it’s driving me crazy! Which is why I wrote this second letter.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no.

Leslie Jones: Dear ass face! [Cut to Leslie Jones] How dare you block me? Coz you didn’t block me from paying your motel six bill when you lost your house. And you sure as hell didn’t block me from giving you that special thing you like doing halftime at sports center.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yes. Sports center doesn’t have a halftime.

Leslie Jones: You know, I thought I was down there a long time.

Colin Jost: Oh! [shaking head]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: But I still miss your sexy foreign accent saying, “Leslie, you are so sexy Leslie. [making noise]”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a person?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You like Fox News or sex? I know its all lies, but it just can’t get enough.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so now, what are you doing to get over this guy, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: I don’t know. Which is why I wrote this third letter… to myself.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Dear Leslie, what the hell wrong with you? You still hung up on this loser? You live in New York and you are on Saturday Night Live. You need a man who appreciates Leslie Jones for who Leslie Jones is. Tall, loud and phenomenal in bed.

Colin Jost: And humble.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost. Leslie Jones stares at Colin Jost]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: You need to date a man who puts other people before himself like a bodyguard or offensive lineman. So if there’s any offensive lineman out there, listen up. I’ll be your Tom Brady and deflate your balls all day!

[Cut to Leslie Jones an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Unblock me! Unblock me!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘Forrest Gump’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Michigan man is planning to run over 3,000 miles in hundred days as an omag to Forrest Gump, and a straight up FU to Lieutenant Dan.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cake with 21 candles on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Tennessee woman celebrated her 21st birthday by performing 21 acts of kindness on people she had never met, which is the most polite way that I’ve ever heard that put.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of South Carolina logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A student of University of South Carolina was arrested after she poisoned her roommate’s food with cleaning fluid. Said her roommates, “Oh, so you do know where the cleaning supplies are?”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The royal family announced that the name of Prince Willam and Kate’s baby girl is Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. They chose the name Diana for William’s mother, Elizabeth for his grandmother and Charlotte for of course, [Picture changes to basket ball players] 1992 Charloette Hornets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After their recent fight, boxer Floyd Mayweather called Manny Pacquiao a coward for not accepting his loss and said there would be no rematch. Because if you wanna fight Floyd Mayweather more than once, you have to date him.

[Picture changes to a masked man with a burger]

This week, McDonald’s unveiled a new version of the hamburglar, so McDonald’s, I guess my question is what’s happening here? Who is this for? The hamburglar used to be a lovable children’s character. This guy looks like an actor from McDonald land porn parody. And why is he shh-ing us? Is he says, “Shh, don’t tell anyone what’s in our special sauce?” Or, “Shh, don’t tell my parents how bad my acting career is going.” Or is the new McDonald’s play place in the back of this dude’s van? Because this isn’t the image you use to sell fast food. It’s the image you see when you come to after getting drugged at a costume party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lindsey Vann and Tyga Woods at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lindsey Vann anounced that she and Tyga Woods have broken up, while Tyga Woods announced that, “Woo-hoo!”

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: So, tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Michael Che: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.

Colin Jost: As we totally remembered.

Michael Che: I feel like it’s now.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s now. It’s now our Mother’s Day. Congratulations moms. And, just to honor our mothers here on Weekend Update, we’d like to read one joke each that our moms actually texted to us this year.

Michael Che: Yeah, even though we never asked them to do that.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Colin’s mom’s photo at left top corner.]

So, this is the first one. This is my mom everyone. [cheers and applause] Thank you. It looks like she’s cool on Safari, but don’t! Don’t! It’s Disney Land. Um, this is also about Disney. This is what she texted me.

“Disney Land having trouble with the measles. Maybe they should re-brand it as mouse-pox then show Mickey with spots. On serious note, this is why vaccination is so important.”

[Cut to Michael Che. It’s written ‘graphic missing’ at left top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It’s not horrible. Yesterday, I asked my mother to send me a picture that I could show of her on national TV and she is still in the Salon right now. So, I’m just gonna show you the look that she’s probably going for. [Picture changes to Diana Ross in a photo shoot] It’s 1970’s Diana Ross. And this is the joke, this is her new story.

“I just walked out of grandma’s room. She has the heater on blazing. Sad face. It was so hot in there, I just saw satan run out and say he couldn’t take it and he would be back later because it was so hot in there. LOLOLOLOLOL.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: So, happy Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to take you to brunch tomorrow, mom.

Michael Che: And I can’t wait to take you to dinner, Colin’s mom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of nail salon named ‘ISIS Nails’ at right top corner.]

I’d make a great dad. A nail salon in Queens called ‘ISIS Nails’ has finally changed it’s name after suffering harassment from locals who thought the store was connected to the terrorist group. Though, I don’t know how much better things will be with their new name, “Nail Qaeda”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of outside space at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A group of astronomers have calculated the distance to a galaxy as more than 13 billion lightyears away, which is the most distant galaxy ever measured. It’s so distant that astronomers have given it the nickname, “Dad”.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers have dropped two points since she made her presidential campaign official. Because for some reason, once a woman makes it official, we suddenly start to lose interest.

Hillary Clinton has reportedly met with potential donors for her presidential super pac just three weeks after she criticized that fund raising practice. The super pac’s name is Hillary’s Political Action Committee for Democracy, or HiPacRacy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s ap icture of Patriots and NFL logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An NFL investigation has concluded that the New England Patriots likely cheated by deflating footballs used in the AFC Championship game. The investigation was conducted by [Picture changes to angry Bill Belichick] just looking at Bill Belichick.

[Picture changes to Mike Huckabee, Dr. Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina]

Several new candidates entered the race for the republican nomination this week including Carly Fiorina, Dr. Ben Carson and governor Huckabee. So I’m pretty sure the only way to make this group less exciting would be to add [Picture changes to Hawkeye from Avengers movie] Hawkeye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at top right corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Dr. Ben Carson announced that he will seek the republican presidential nomination. Of course, most republicans know Dr. Carson by the nickname, ‘Some of my best friends’.

Waterslide

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Jess… Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a video clip of water park.]

Beck: Okay, you’re up now.

Kyle: Watch it!

Sasheer: Oh, my god! Everybody knows how to ride a water slide.

Beck: Really? Well, tell that to me two summers ago. I didn’t slide safe and I messed up my jaw.

Kyle: Now, he can’t say cinnamons.

Beck: Slomonon.

Kyle: Arms in, you’re good to go.

[Sasheer slides down]

Beck: Next rider.

[Bobby walks up to the slide. He has his shirt all messed up with food.]

Wait! You puked in a lazy river this morning.

Bobby: No, I didn’t.

Kyle: That’s puke on your shirt.

Bobby: No, it’s not.

[Bobby slides down]

[sound of Bobby puking]

Beck: Argh!

Kyle: Man! He yaked again!

Beck: He yaked! I knew it was him.

[Jess walks to them]

Jess: What’s up guys?

Beck: Oh, what’s up, Jess?

Kyle: You’re looking good today.

Beck: Yeah, you’re looking better than yesterday.

Kyle: Well, that’s impossible. I don’t even know if it’s possible.

Beck and Kyle: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jess: You guys are so funny. Hey, can one of you guys do me, such a huge solemn, and screen my shoulders. It’s totally scorch.

Beck: Oh, I got it Jess.

Kyle: I’ll all about sun safety.

Beck: I got it first dude!

Kyle: Fuck off, Chad!

Beck: You fuck off, yeah!

Jess: I don’t know. You guys are too much. Just do it together.

Beck: Oh, dang, Jess, you got a lot of moles.

Kyle: I feel like a blind guy. I’m like reading your skin or something.

Jess: Thanks. My mom says it gives me personality. And my dad and I don’t speak. Oh, man, that feels bomb!

Beck: Yeah!

Kyle: It’s bomb right there.

Beck: Bomb, dude!

Jess: Yeah.

[Cut to the the line of people for slide ]

Cecily: Um, can I go? Or should I just freaking stand here until I’m freaking thousand freaking years old?

Jess: We’re having a staff meeting right now.

Cecily: Oh, well, okay. I’m gonna go down.

[Cut to Beck, Kyle and Jess]

Kyle: Whatever, we don’t care.

[sound of Cecily sliding and hitting something]

Cecily: Ouch! My freaking chin!

[Kenan comes in running and tired]

Kenan: Jess!

Jess: Ya!

Kenan: Some kid over the Gubby’s Grotto wedged his dork into one of the jets. He’s weaking out!

Jess: Ah! That is our third hog pog this week.

Kenan: Hey, you gotta hole in some warm water. These little perverts are gonna plug it.

Jess: Alright guys. I gotta roll. And um, I’ll be down for riding your Jeep sometimes. Later!

Kyle: Cool! I’ll ask my dad if I can borrow it.

[Cut to the the line of people for slide ]

Beck: Oh! Yeah. Oh, man! Line’s long as hell.

Kyle: Come on, make us some time.

Beck: Alright, everybody down at once.

Kyle: Just go! Just go!

Beck: Hustle! Hustle!

Kyle: I did my job!

Beck: Yes, dude! Ha-ha. Give me a water-five, dude!

[Beck and Kyle do high-five]

[The End]

The L.A. Scene

Lisa Ferar… Cecily Strong

Jackie Fong… Reese Witherspoon

Kedal… Kenan Thompson

Marquees… Jay Pharoah

Andrew Marks… Pete Davidson

Clay Alexander… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Scene in LA intro]

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong in their show set dancing drinking cocktails.]

Lisa Ferar: Hi, you guys. Welcome to our premiere episode of The Scene in LA. I’m Lisa Ferar.

Jackie Fong: And I’m Jackie Fong. The Fong is by marriage, obviously.

Lisa Ferar: Yes, she is married to the fabulous plastic surgeon, Henry Fong. He is generous producer of our show and maker of these boobs.

Jackie Fong: And these, among other things.

Lisa Ferar: [laughing] Yes, I love that.

Jackie Fong: I also love this couch.

Lisa Ferar: Ooh, me too. Hey, Kedal, where is this couch from?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees in the sound department.]

Kedal: Huh? What’s that, sweetheart? I can’t hear you coz I’m in my headset.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong]

Lisa Ferar: But don’t our mics feed into your headset?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Um, not as of right now.

Kedal: We’re still trying to figure out what all this stuff is, okay?

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong]

Jackie Fong: Well, at least we’re on fleek!

Lisa Ferar: Oh! [laughing] Yes, I love that. Fleek! Okay, guys, we promised a hot show and we are going to deliver because our first guest is hot, hot, hot!

Jackie Fong: He was just named one of the top chefs under 25 in LA Weekly.

Lisa Ferar: Please welcome Andrew Marks!

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand up and dance as Andrew Marks walks in]

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong put Andrew Marks between them]

Jackie Fong: Hey!

Lisa Ferar: Hi!

Andrew Marks: Hello.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong are sitting super close to Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: First ques… um, how much under 25 are you?

Jackie Fong: Second ques… what’s your age ceiling?

Andrew Marks: Ha-ha. I… um… I thought we were gonna talk about my restaurant.

Lisa Ferar: Yeah, we’ll get there.

[phone message alert. Lisa Ferar checks her phone.]

Lisa Ferar: Alright, guys. I’m so sorry. You guys, my assistant Kevin just texted. I gotta call him back, it’s an emergency. You guys get cozy.

Jackie Fong: Okay. So, chefs have really long hours. [you can hear Lisa Ferar dialing the number on her phone] Um, must be you have a lot of stamina.

Andrew Marks: Well, you know…

Lisa Ferar: [speaking on the phone] Kevin, it’s me. You need to get me my poise pads.

[Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks look confused]

Jackie Fong: Um, so, um… do you think I’m hot?

Lisa Ferar: speaking on the phone] No, you gave me freaking depends diapers. It feels like I’m sitting on a wet pillow.

Andrew Marks: Are you hearing that?

Lisa Ferar: I said, find me some poise pads.

Andrew Marks: You must have heard that, right?

Lisa Ferar: Okay… [Lisa Ferar walks back in] What did I miss?

Jackie Fong: Hey girl.

Lisa Ferar: Nothing fun I hope.

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: Um, sweetheart, you left your mic on.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: When?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: We had a direct connection to you for all of that.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: Why didn’t you turn my sound off, Marquees?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Okay, I’m sorry. I do not know how.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Jackie Fong: You told Mr. Fong you could do all of this.

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Um, honey. We all lie in interview, okay? You get on the job and you figure it out.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Jackie Fong: Okay, well, while you’re figuring it out, let’s just bring out another guest.

Lisa Ferar: Yes! I love my job!

Jackie Fong: [to Andrew Marks] You can your DP can just move over to that chair so that we can make room for our next guest. He was named one of LA’s 25 hottest DJs under 22.

Lisa Ferar: Come on out, Clay Alexander.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand up and dance as Clay Alexander walks in]

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong put Clay Alexander between them]

Jackie Fong: So, you play music but you don’t write it.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong are sitting super close to Clay Alexander]

Clay Alexander: Well, I guess you can say–

Lisa Ferar: [interrupting] Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Scott Bakula?

Jackie Fong: Yes! Yes!

Clay Alexander: I don’t even know what that is. That can be like, the name of an animal or something.

Lisa Ferar: [laughing] Yes, I love that. So funny.

Jackie Fong: It’s time for a commercial break, so you guys don’t go anywhere.

[Jackie Fong runs out]

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: I don’t know what she’s talking about. We not in a commercial.

[Cut to Clay Alexander and Lisa Ferar]

Lisa Ferar: We’re not? Oh, hey, what would you do if you saw me in the club?

[you can hear Jackie Fong through the mic]

Jackie Fong: Oh, my god. Thank god that bathroom is empty. How cute is that DJ? [farts] [Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander are disgusted] Oh, my god! I just farted so loud. Thank god I did it in here, not in front of that hunky DJ.

[Lisa Ferar comes back in]

Lisa Ferar: Okay. What were we talking about? Any hot hookups while I was away?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: Sweetheart, we heard what you did. It was nasty.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander]

Jackie Fong: What? Why can’t Marquees turn off our mics?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Okay, please do not yell at me today. I cannot deal with that type of energy.

Kedal: I mean, we’ll be better by the next show, I bet.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander]

Lisa Ferar: Okay, ya, please do. Oh, here comes my baby Winston to take us out. Winston! What have you got?

[a dog walks in]

Clay Alexander: Is that a poise pad?

[the dog gives Lisa Ferar a poise pad]

Lisa Ferar: No, no.

[Andrew Marks and Clay Alexander run away from the stage]

Jackie Fong: Hey, where are you guys going? Don’t leave. What are you doing later tonight?

Lisa Ferar: Just… let’s dance.

[music playing]

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand and start dancing]

Southern Ladies

Nat… Cecily Strong

Carolyn… Aidy Bryant

Merilyn… Kate McKinnon

Terilyn… Leslie Jones

Jerilyn… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with five women talking and drinking in home.]

Nat: Oh, what a week. Doesn’t it just feel to just sit and sip some wine? So, how y’all doing? Let’s just go down the line. Carolyn?

Carolyn: Um, not good.

Nat: Hmm, Merilyn?

Merilyn: Not good.

Nat: Terilyn?

Terilyn: Uh, real not good.

Nat: Jerilyn?

Jerilyn: Not good!

Nat: Well, I’m not good either. So let’s just find out what’s going on. Carolyn, what’s up?

Carolyn: Well, my husband’s back in prison.

Others: Whaaaat? Oh, no!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Prison? Well, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: It’s okay. He went back on purpose. He said he missed his friend.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Oh, it’s okay. At least now I can sleep spread out like a star-fish again.

[Cut to Nat trying to pour wine on Carolyn’s glass]

Nat: That deserves a fill-up sweetheart. Okay. Alright, so what’s wrong with you, Merilyn?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Oh, nothing. Except, I hit on my own son on Tinder.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Whaaat?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yeah! All he asked was a torso pics so I sent a pic of me and my bra and the message, “Where you at?” And he said, “Upstairs, mom!”

Nat: Oh, nooo!

Merilyn: Well, we laughed about it.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Did you pray also?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yes, a lot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Jerilyn, what are you down about?

[Cut to Terilyn and Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, it’s not worth talking about.

Terilyn: Sure it is. It will make you feel better.

Jerilyn: Well, you all know how my husband’s in that coma.

Nat: Oh, yes, since the day you got married.

Jerilyn: Yeah, well, this last Saturday, he woke up. And guess what? He brought out demon back with him.

Terilyn: Na-ah!

Jerilyn: Yes! He talks in tongues, and toasters flying all around. I was trying to watch castle and the TV grew a mouth and called me a whore!

[Cut to everybody]

Merilyn: How rude!

Carolyn: In your own home?

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: And I said, “Hey Carl! Guess who’s just heard enough of this? The answer is me, bud!” And the next thing I know, the Persian carpet I’m standing on yikes out off under me, rolls me up inside like beans in a burrito and tosses me right through our brand new pillow windows.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Those are nice!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: I mean, not anymore! Thanks to that demon known as Nogi Negipet.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Alright, so what’s up with you, Terilyn?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, it’s the last summer with my foot apparantly.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: What’s that now?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: The doctor said I could kiss a goodbye after all those cigars I smoked.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Now, when did you smoke cigars?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, when I worked on Wallstreet, I had a box a day habit. That’s when I wore big blazers and just cursed at everybody. “Buy that stock, bitch! Sale that buy bitch!” and etcetera.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, what you gonna do?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, I’m just gonna dance till August and then throw off half of my shoes.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Poor foot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, y’all. I hate to pile on, but I had traumatic experience of my own that I’m still dealing with.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Well what happened, Nat?

Merilyn: Tell us.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I got pranked by a sperm bank.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: The one downtown?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Um, that’s the one. I parked in their private space, I guess. Anyway, I answered the doorbell this weekend and apparently they had rigged a bucket.

[Cut to Carolyn and Merilyn]

Merilyn: [sighs] You don’t mean!

Carolyn: Oh, no!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I do mean! No, I’m no expert, but I must have been covered with a seed of over 100 men.

Merilyn: Noooo!

Nat: I can’t even talk about it. And ya, you know, there was a note that said, “This was the first of three pranks”. And I said, “Boy, if this is the first!” Ouf! Anyway!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Ladies! Weren’t we supposed to be doing something?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Oh, yeah! We need to freaking rob this house. Let’s do it.

[Cut to everybody. They stand to get started.]

Terilyn: I got the couch.

Nat: Well, let us help you with the couch.

Terilyn: Don’t, I got it.

Nat: Well, you’re gonna get hurt!

Terilyn: [yelling] I said I got it.

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

[Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]

Mr. Westerberg

Reese Witherspoon

Evans… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Westerberg… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Amy… Venessa Bayer

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with people writing cards in Hallmark’s office.]

[Cut to Reese]

Reese: Hey guys, what do you think of a card that says, “Happy Mother’s Day, you raised me from a pup, maybe that’s why I’m such a dog.”

[Cut to Evans gesturing so so]

[Cut to Mr. Westerberg walking in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys. I know it’s been a long very busy week, but everyone needs to punch out at 5, okay? Not 4:59. Not 4:58. But 5! Okay?

[Mr. Westerberg leaves]

[Cut to the office staffs]

Pete: [mocking] Okay?

[the office staff are laughing]

Evans: It’s perfect Mr. Westerberg.

Amy: I can’t stand that guy. [mocking] Okay?

Reese: You can do things [mocking] my way or the highway.

Evans: [mocking] Evans, you’re always last to arrive and the first to leave.

Amy: [mocking] Amy, quit parking in my parking spot.

Reese: Yeah, exactly.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [mocking] Louis, pull down your pants and pull out that little thing. Now, let me grab it, who cares if my hands are cold.

[everyone are looking at Amy]

Reese: Does he really say that?

Louis: Yeah, I know. I’m not that good with the voice. But he’s always saying that, right?

[Mr. Westerberg walks in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys, before you leave tonight, everyone’s got a hand in their I17 forms. I don’t wanna have to tell you again. Okay?

[Mr. Westerberg leaves]

[Cut to the office staff]

Pete: [mocking] I drive a stupid car!

Evans: [mocking] My nose is too big for my face.

Louis: Nice!

Reese: [mocking] I only have two shirts. One with the ketchup stain, one with the mustard stain.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Yeah, yeah. [mocking] Louis, you stink. You got to take a bath. You get in there and clean yourself nice and good. [staff members are looking at Louis] And I’m gonna spank you to make sure you scrub every inch. Make sure you’re cleaned to my satisfaction.

Reese: He said that to you?

Louis: No, no. It’s just the kind of stuff he says to all of us.

Evans: Not really.

Reese: Yeah, he more just says stuff like, [mocking] “Time is money.”

Pete: [mocking] Punctuality is a sign of a good employee.

Reese: [mocking] It’s the third time you’ve been late this week. You know what that means.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [mocking] You gotta bang my wife live on the internet.

[other staffs are shocked]

Reese: What?

Louis: I’m just saying. His voice is usually like, [mocking] “Louis, try in these new pants I bought you. I’m gonna dress you cool. Now, take our pants off. I wanna see your huge butt. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, smush it together. I don’t wanna see any crack! Okay!” Freaking Mr. Westerberg. He’s actually pretty cool!

Reese: Louis, did Mr. Westerberg do those things to you?

Louis: Um, if he did, I can’t remember. [laughing]

Evans: Maybe we should just work on our cards.

[Mr. Westerberg comes in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, Louis! Can you see you in my office for a sec please?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ouf! I know what this is about it!

[Louis goes to Mr. Westerberg’s office]

[The End]

Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause]

[Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause]

[Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause]

[Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause]

[Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause]

[Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause]

[Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.]

[Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.